For The Narcissists & Their Flying Monkeys

Tomorrow it will be three months to the day since my father passed away.  I still am trying to recover from the inundation of abuse I received when he was dying.  The abuse was so constant & intense, & it put me in a state of shock that is still there.  It lifts a bit from time to time, allowing me to face some of the emotions that were too difficult to deal with at the time (hence the shock), then it returns.

 

During those times that the shock lifts, the thing I feel most frequently is anger.  At the moment, I feel that anger.  One thing I find very therapeutic during times like this is writing journal entries where I let it all out.  It’s helpful to get it out of me, even though no one else has any idea what I am feeling or thinking beyond God & I.

 

I was going to write this in my journal for no one to see, as usual, but I felt like God wanted me to share it here instead.  This Scripture kept coming to my attention:  Ephesians 5:11   “Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them.”  (TLB)  I’m sure my readers will get where I’m coming from & maybe my vent will help them too somehow.  Besides, I  have NO doubt some of those monstrous flying monkeys are nosy enough to read my blog.

 

To my mother & her devoted flying monkeys,

 

First of all.. to my mother.  Did it ever cross your mind why I never respond to your letters or calls or those from your evil minions?  It’s because I don’t want you in my life.  I absolutely will not tolerate any more of your abuse.  I deserve better than that.  I’m sorry things are as they are, but your actions have made this situation what it is.  Besides, let’s not forget- after our last conversation, you didn’t even try to contact me until months later, when my father was sick.   I figured you were as done with me as I was with you.  None of this means I hate you.  It means I care about me enough to protect myself by staying out of your life.

 

To the rest of you who have harassed, bullied, judge, criticized & tried to control me, especially during my father’s final few weeks of life…

 

You truly should be ashamed of your terrible, ridiculous, wicked actions!  You judge me for not speaking to my parents or saying good bye to my father on his death bed, but has it ever crossed anyone’s mind WHY I stayed away?  No.  You obviously don’t want to be “bothered” with the truth.  All that mattered is what *you* thought I should do.  How utterly arrogant!

 

What made you think you had the right to demand I do as you told me to anyway?  Have you made so many good life choices that I couldn’t help but see how wise you are & would be inspired to obey you?  No.  Did you know my entire situation & could say with complete objectivity what a good solution would have been?  No.  Did any of you care about me enough to ask what was wrong?  Again no, with only one exception & I have no doubt that person would have only told me how wrong I was if I opened up to her.  Again.

 

Then there were the guilt trips:  “You only get one set of parents.”  “A little forgiveness would do you some good.”  “You need to put your feelings aside & see your dad so he can die in peace.”  “You need to come NOW so they can turn off your dad’s life support.”  “You would understand if you had kids.”  What utter drivel!   Thanks to growing up in the environment I did, I’m like a guilt trip Navy seal.  They do NOTHING to me other than insult my intelligence because you think I’m stupid enough to fall for such complete nonsense.

 

And really… has the constant barrage of your crap really been necessary?!  One would think you would have the sense to realize that when someone not only doesn’t respond to your calls, emails, etc. but *blocks* your Facebook, phone numbers, emails, etc.  that means that person doesn’t want to talk to you & you should stop your harassment.  Blocking you is NOT an invitation to use alternative means to try to reach me, which I blocked too!  The constant harassment has been beyond ridiculous.  Letting my phone ring for five minutes straight also doesn’t make me want to answer it, especially when I haven’t even seen you since I was 4 or 5!  It does show me you’re a control freak who thinks they have the right to boss me around by trying to force me to take your call.  Just because you’re some distant relative doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do!  Same with the written contacts.  Filling my inbox with messages just makes me want to ignore you, because you’re being controlling.  Using a dead woman’s Facebook to contact me was unique though.  I’ll give you points for creativity on that.  I never expected to have to block a dead woman on Facebook.

 

Oh, & to that one person that has harassed me since 2013-  I know that email through my website was from you.  Wasn’t hard to figure out it was you or the fact you copied & pasted information from the Mayo Clinic’s website about NPD.  That isn’t the first time you’ve pulled this.  You might want to stop using the first or second site that pops up on Google- that gives you away every time.  Doing it at the time you chose to do it this time was truly low even for you.

 

Trying to bully my cousin I’m close to into bullying me was utter nonsense too.  Unlike you, he isn’t a control freak who thinks he can boss me around, which, fun fact here, is partly why he & I are so close.  How about taking a page from his book & realizing that being a manipulative bully isn’t a good thing.

 

And, just so all of you know….

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with any one of you!

 

You don’t have the ability to control or hurt me, in spite of all your efforts to do so.

 

Being related to me somehow doesn’t give you the right to treat me like crap & boss me around.

 

You taught me some things through it all, including how never to treat people, & the value of questioning things rather than blindly believing whatever we’re told.

 

Even though I want nothing to do with you, I don’t hate you.  I pity you.

 

I pray for all of you daily.  I pray you come to know God & His love & are blessed.  Since so many of you are so incredibly quick to judge me, I’m sure you think I’m a hypocrite, a terrible/fake/not a real Christian, etc. for saying that last statement after writing this post.  I can assure you, I am true to my faith.  There is nothing “un Christian” in writing this post.

 

Ephesians 5:11   “Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them.”  (TLB)

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Coping When Narcissists Hit A New Low

I got quite the surprise this past Christmas.  A letter from my parents’ attorney arrived in the mail two days before Christmas.

 

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Pretty special, huh?  Notice it was sent both regular & certified mail.

 

I’m sharing this not only for entertainment value (really- how bizarre is this?!) but also to remind you that there is no low that is too low for any narcissist & to help you to cope when things like this happen to you.

 

To cope, you need to think logically not emotionally.  You certainly will need to deal with the anger or hurt or whatever you feel, of course, but when trying to find the best way to deal with a bad situation, it’s best to leave emotions out of it as they can cloud your judgement.  Look at the problem from all angles & ask God for help figuring out ways to cope.  One way that might help is if you think of the problem as if a friend came to you with it- what would you tell that friend?

 

Also trying to understand the motivation behind the actions, because that can help you.  I firmly believe everything narcissists do boils down to gaining narcissistic supply.  Once I realized that, it helped me not to be as hurt or angered (because what they did wasn’t personal- it was to benefit them), or to be manipulated.

 

To show what I’m talking about, I thought I’d share my thoughts about this letter:

 

Notice the timing.. as I said, this arrived two days before Christmas, the last possible day to get anything in the mail before Christmas day.  Growing up, I loved Christmas.  My mother thinks I still do, & never believed that I have grown to hate it.  It’s safe to assume the timing was an attempt to ruin my holiday.  If she thinks she ruined my holiday, that’s narcissistic supply.

 

Check out the wording in the letter.  The lawyer could have mentioned asking me about the car on my mother’s behalf without the attempt to manipulate me & the comments such as “accept this as a heartfelt expression of her love.”  Totally unnecessary.  That was flying monkey behavior which means it has no basis in truth & reality.  Why should I take anything he said seriously under such circumstances?!

 

Also.. as I said, it came from an attorney.  Seems obvious to me that was meant to shake  me up a bit.  Who wouldn’t be upset seeing a letter from an attorney in their mailbox & then a notice it was also sent certified mail prior to learning the contents of the letter?!  More potential narcissistic supply for my mother- upsetting me.

 

I also think it’s safe to assume that being from her attorney was an attempt by my mother to force me to deal with her.  Manipulation attempt/more narcissistic supply.

 

When I first got this letter, it did shake me up, I’ll admit it.  I was livid my mother would go to this extent to try to get me in touch with her when it’s very clear I want no parts of her in my life.  But, after some time to pray, calm down & think clearer, I realized the things I mentioned.  This letter wasn’t a huge deal like it felt like at first.  It simply was my mother’s means of attempting to manipulate me & gain her precious supply.  Realizing all of this meant I was able to relax & decide the best way to handle the situation properly.

 

Dear Reader, I’m sure if you haven’t faced some especially low behavior from the narcissist in your life, you will.  It’s how they operate.  When that happens, please consider this post.  Deal with your emotions but not while trying to consider how to handle the situation.  Pray & use logic.  It will help you to understand what’s happening, which will enable you to come up with the best solution.

 

Oh, & if you’re interested.. I did write back to the attorney about a week later.  All I said was “Regarding your recent letter about my mother, I don’t want my father’s car.”  I decided that I should respond rather than take a chance of my mother finding other ways to harass me about this situation, since I’ve had enough harassment to last a lifetime.  I did so in my own timing, however, to let her know she can’t make me do anything her way.  I also decided it’d be best to acknowledge NONE of the flying monkey nonsense or say anything that could be read into, which is why my entire “letter” lasted ONE sentence.  🙂

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Why Adult Children Of Narcissists End Up In Abusive Relationships

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“Just Let It Go!”

People say, “Just let it go!” all the time to those who have been through bad experiences or abuse, but what do they really mean?  I think many people who say that don’t say it to try to help you.  Instead, I think they really mean, “Stop talking about it.  It makes me uncomfortable!”

 

Unfortunately, this statement can make a person feel ashamed of themselves for being unable to “just let it go.”  They feel like something is wrong with them, or maybe they’re a bad Christian when the truth is, they’re simply human.

 

The fact is, most people just can’t “let go” of pain.  It’s not that we want to hold onto it at all- we have no choice in the matter.  It’s kind of like a splinter.  You can’t wish it away or let it go- you actually need to deal with it to get rid of it.

 

If you really want to let something go, once & for all, it takes work.  You need to feel the anger, feel the hurt & get it out of you.  It can be intimidating at first, especially if you weren’t allowed to show your emotions as a child, but it does get easier in time.

 

When it happens with me, I make time to write in my journal.  Writing is often easier than saying things out loud for me, so although often prayer is my first place to start, journaling is in this particular situation.  I let it all out- name calling, bad language & all.  Sometimes I’ll write as though I’m speaking to the person, sometimes I just vent about them & what they did.  I just follow whatever feels right, & let it all out.  I pray after, & ask God to help me.  For many things, this helps to purge me of the anger & hurt completely.  For other things, I have to repeat it a few times.  I’ve learned not to judge it- abuse does bad things, & everyone heals differently.

 

Maybe what I do will help you as well.  It’s worth a try anyway, right?  If you’re sure it won’t, then do whatever does work for you.  Or, ask God to show you what you need to do.  Healing is a very individual thing, & there’s nothing wrong with you if something other than what I do helps.

 

Remember, Dear Reader, if you can’t “just let it go”, there’s nothing wrong with you.  It’s OK!  It’s perfectly normal to have to feel things to heal.

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How Narcissists Convince Victims They Are The Problem

Narcissists have a way of making their victims feel like we are the problem.  This is awful for the victims, because as a result, we end up tolerating their abuse for years.  We think they’re good to put up with us, & we try harder & harder to be good enough for them.  Meanwhile, as we’re losing ourselves in trying to please the narcissists, the narcissists are gaining tons of supply.

 

So how does this happen?  How can a person honestly believe they’re the problem when the narcissist clearly is?  Narcissists accomplish this in several ways.

 

Projection.  Narcissist always accuse others of their own flaws.  This makes a person feel inadequate.  A person may even become angry but feels they don’t have the right to be angry since they are the flawed one.

 

Narcissists don’t examine their behavior, only yours.  If you’re angry with a narcissist, all that narcissist sees is how you’re acting.  They don’t ask themselves why you’re angry or is it something they’ve done.  They see you acting in a way they consider irrational, & make you feel crazy for your behavior.

 

They gaslight.  All narcissists love gaslighting their victims.  Gaslighting is basically when you say the sky is blue, & the narcissist says it’s clearly green & something is wrong with you for thinking otherwise.  Granted, that is an extremely obvious example, but that’s pretty much how gaslighting works.  Narcissists see the same thing you see (that blue sky) but don’t want you to see it that way.  Rather than agreeing that the sky is blue, they’ll tell you it’s green & try to make you feel crazy for thinking it’s blue.  Narcissists do this often with abusive things they have done.  They may deny the events happened entirely, or try to convince you that they happened in a very different way.

 

Narcissists provoke their victims to rage while maintaining their cool.  One primary feature of narcissism is their complete lack of empathy.  This enables narcissists to feel no guilt or remorse for abusing a victim.  This also means they can maintain their calm demeanor while simultaneously driving a victim to the brink of madness.  When this happens, a victim feels insane.  After all, the victim is the one screaming & crying while the narcissist is cool & collected.  The victim looks crazy to herself & anyone else who may be witnessing this phenomenon.

 

If you’re in a relationship of any sort with a narcissist, these things are most likely happening.  When they do, please remember this post & remind yourself that you are NOT the problem!  The narcissist is only trying to make you think you are!

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Responding vs Reacting To Narcissistic Behavior

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After No Contact

During the last few months of my father’s life I realized something about narcissists & flying monkeys.  They are an incredibly determined, persistent bunch, & that doesn’t end with no contact.

 

With most people, when someone ends a relationship, they stop calling, emailing, or trying to contact that person in any way.  They don’t try to bully or harass the person into speaking with them again, stalk them or send other people to “try to talk some sense” into them.  Instead, even though they may be hurting a great deal, they leave the person alone & move on with their life.

 

This isn’t so with narcissists & their flying monkeys.

 

One narcissist I severed ties with harassed me for several years.  (In fact, I’m not sure she’s done with me yet, because she’ll go for months with no contact, then suddenly she will do something out of the blue.)  I immediately blocked her on social media, blocked her email, blocked her phone number, & figured it was done.  Not even close!  She emailed me through my website, & when I saw that, I found out her IP address & blocked that.  She then used other people’s computers to contact me through my website!  She even contacted me that way when my father was dying to tell me I was a narcissist.  No low is too low for a true narcissist, & they do love to strike when you’re hurting already.

 

Other similar things happened when my father was dying.  My mother tried calling repeatedly, in spite of me blocking her phone number (my phone shows when a blocked number has tried to call).  She also sent me notes in the mail.  Some people I don’t even know beyond the simple fact we’re somehow distantly related wouldn’t leave me alone either.  As soon as they called or messaged me, I blocked them, & they would find a different way to contact me, so I would have to block that way too.  One person used her dead mother’s Facebook account to contact me.  I had to block a dead woman on Facebook as a result of that!

 

If you have gone or are considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, this sort of thing may happen to you as well.  I’m not trying to dissuade you from going no contact- you have to do what you believe is right in your situation.  I am simply trying to forewarn you of what may happen so you can prepare yourself.

 

If you haven’t done so, block not only the narcissist’s means of contacting you but also her flying monkeys.  Block everything you can- phone number, email, social media.  The truly determined will find alternative ways to reach you, so be prepared for that.  Don’t take phone calls if you don’t recognize the number on your caller ID or ones that say “anonymous” or “blocked number.”  Anyone can block their number temporarily, so why take chances?

 

Also, blocking apps may not be 100% useful.  The one I found for my cell phone  showed in my notifications that I received a blocked call or text.  And, the entire text would show up!  Not really helpful since I didn’t want to see any texts at all!

 

You also may end up being contacted by strangers.  The narcissist’s neighbor, pastor or distant cousin may be a flying monkey.  Remember names, so when you see names on your caller ID, you know who that person is.  Or, if you only see the number, use a reverse phone number website to check out the number before you answer it.

 

Speaking of phones, I also don’t think voicemail is a good idea.  Hearing a narcissist’s voice can be very triggering, or they or the flying monkeys could leave you vile messages that you don’t need to hear.  Better not to give them the option & to protect your mental health by not using voicemail, I think.  This may not be everyone’s favorite solution since most folks use it, but I personally have found it very helpful.

 

Narcissists & their flying monkeys don’t like to take no for an answer, so don’t be surprised if they show up  at your home.  Keep your doors locked at all times & post a “no trespassing” sign.  Not that they respect your boundary with the sign, but it helps if you have to ask the police to remove them to have that sign.  The police won’t be so quick to remove someone from your property without that sign.

 

You may get postal mail.  You need to know the person sending it well enough to know if you should mark it “return to sender” & send it back or not.  Some may get discouraged quickly with their mail being returned, others will use it to gain pity & narcissistic supply so you’re better off not returning their mail.

 

And, if you do get mail, remember that you don’t have to read it.  That is your choice what you do with it.  You can read it, throw it away, or put it aside to read at a future date.  You are in complete control of how you handle that.

 

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist wants to offer you a gift, something you would like to have or that you need.  It’s only an attempt to lure you back into the relationship, so do NOT take it!!  There would be too many strings attached!  Instead, trust God to meet that need or desire.

 

Narcissists or flying monkeys may apologize to you in their attempts to contact you.  Before you accept that apology, study it.  Is it a real apology?  Is the person saying “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong” or offering excuses like “I was upset when I said that” or accepting full responsibility for their actions & discussing details?  If you’d like more details on what a real apology versus a fake apology looks like, I wrote about the narcissistic apology in this post.  Do NOT accept a fake apology or else the relationship will return to the abusive nightmare it was prior to going no contact.

 

If the narcissist &/or flying monkeys harass you, it can take a surprising toll on you.  It’s shocking how exhausting, depressing & anxiety inducing this sort of behavior can be.  Don’t judge yourself if you feel these things!  Just take good care of yourself.  Do what self care things help you as often as you can.  Pray.  Talk to supportive & safe people about what you feel.  Journal about it.  And always remember, whatever you do, do NOT let the narcissist or flying monkeys know you feel the way you do.  It provides them with narcissistic supply so they’ll continue doing it just to get that supply.  Let them think you barely noticed everything they have done.

 

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Having Balance With Helping Others

The Bible talks a great deal about how we are to deal with other people.  One of those things it discusses is how we are to help each other when struggling.

 

Galatians 6 says these two things….

 

  • Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (NIV)
  • Galatians 6:5  for each one should carry their own load.  (NIV)

 

At first glance, these Scriptures only a couple of verses apart may seem contradictory, but they really aren’t.  Verse 2 says we should carry each other’s “burdens” while verse 5 says each person should carry their own “load.”  Although the difference is slight between those words, it’s also significant.

 

According to merriam-webster.com, one meaning of burden is “something oppressive or worrisome.”  And, also according to merriam-webster.com, load means “a considerable amount.”  I take this to mean that in the context of these Scriptures, a burden is something excessively difficult or challenging to deal with while a load is a more typical struggle.  Trying to survive the pain of losing someone you love versus cleaning your house, as examples.

 

When you’re raised to only focus on the needs of your parents, you tend to grow up thinking it’s your job to take care of people while ignoring your own needs.  It’s terribly unhealthy!  These  Scriptures provide an excellent perspective on helping people.

 

When someone asks for your help, if they are suffering with a burden, then by all means, please help them if you feel God wants you to & you are able to do so.  However, if someone frequently wants your help for small things that they are well able to do themselves, then it’s not good to help them.  You are enabling them to be irresponsible by taking care of things they should take care of & to take advantage of you.  Let people carry their own “load”!  It truly is a more loving thing to do than to enable irresponsible behavior because it encourages them to do what is right- not using you or other people.

 

Many people won’t be pleased if you tell them you are unable or unwilling to help them, but that is not your problem.  I know, you will feel guilty at first, but please remember that in spite of what your narcissistic parent(s) taught you, your job is NOT to be responsible for everyone but yourself.  It’s unhealthy (mentally & physically) & out of balance to ignore yourself & your needs for others constantly!

 

Please remember, Dear Reader- you aren’t responsible for taking care of other people.  You are responsible for helping when you can when it is necessary only.  You have the right to say “no”.  God did not put you here to be used, but instead to be a blessing to others.

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Talking About Narcissism

“If I were to remain silent, I’d be guilty of complicity.”
― Albert Einstein

 

Silence is a narcissistic abuser’s best friend.  Silence not only allows abusers to continue to abuse, it basically encourages them to abuse.  When abusers don’t have consequences or anyone saying, “What you’re doing is wrong”, what motivation could they possibly have for changing their behavior?

 

By silence, I am not only referring to the silence of the victim, but others as well.   If the child of one of your relatives is being abused, but no one speaks up, the abuse will most certainly continue.  If no one gets involved, why should the abuser stop abusing?  The abuser is getting what he or she wants, which is all that matters to that person.  There is no motivation to stop abusing.

 

Some people may find this speaking out to be immature, holding a grudge or even “un-Christian”  behavior, but it really isn’t.  Ephesians 5:11 says,   “Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them.”  (TLB)  

 

Narcissism must be rebuked & exposed!  Allowing narcissists to continue to abuse their victims without consequences does no one any good whatsoever!  Abusers continue to hurt people & victims continue to suffer so long as no one speaks out.

 

As victims, we must speak out about our experiences.  Other victims need to know that they aren’t alone, they aren’t crazy or to blame for the abuse as their abusers have told them they are & that there is life after narcissistic abuse.  They also need to know ways to cope with a narcissist if they are unable or unwilling to be no contact & no one but another victim can share successful ways to do that.

 

If you aren’t a victim, however, but you know someone who is, you’re not off the hook!  If you know someone who is being abused, support & help that person however you can.  Listen, offer advice if that person asks for it, pray for & with that person & even learn about NPD.

 

And, everyone must understand what narcissistic abuse & NPD really are.  The meaning of the word “narcissism” has been so tainted.  Many people think being narcissistic is the same thing as being selfish when in fact, it is so very much more than simple selfishness.  The true meaning of narcissism is so diluted & that needs to change!  Raising awareness by talking about narcissistic abuse & NPD openly will help to make that change.

 

So remember, Dear Reader- speak out about narcissistic abuse!  Help to raise awareness!  Help victims!

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Knowing Your Personality Type Can Help You, Even How You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

I am obsessed with psychology.  I wonder why people do the things they do, what makes them tick.  I’m even hooked on the ID Channel & several of the true crime shows on that channel.

 

When a friend of mine told me about the MBTI test a couple of years ago, I was intrigued.  The Myers Briggs Type Indicator test is based on Carl Jung’s theory of personality types.  I took the test & when I read my results was shocked.  For the first time in my life, I realized I’m not the freak many people have said I am!  In fact, I’m quite typical of my personality type.  My type just happens not to be overly common.

 

Since that time, I’ve read a lot about my type & my husband’s as well.  It’s helped me so much to understand both of us better.  And, it helped me to understand the best ways to help myself heal from the narcissistic abuse I’ve experienced.  My type is pretty much even logical & emotional.  One thing that helps me is to understand the motivation behind the abuse.  I’ve come to understand why my parents are/were narcissists, why my father didn’t protect me from my mother’s constant abuse & that being a narcissist means everything they do is motivated by narcissistic supply.  Knowing all of that has helped me to understand completely that none of the abuse was my fault.  Realizing everything they do is motivated by gaining narcissistic supply also helped me when I was in relationship with my parents to be prepared for what they might do.  I could see things coming a mile away a lot of times so I wasn’t surprised when they happened.  I also figured out what I think my parents’ types were, which helped me to understand them better.  Granted most of our problems were due to their narcissism, but realizing that their personality types & mine were pretty much my polar opposite sure didn’t help the situation!  We just don’t really understand each other because our personalities are naturally very different.

 

Learning about your personality type can benefit you too, Dear Reader.  The more you understand yourself, the better you’ll be at finding ways to help you to heal.  It also helps you not to take the cruel criticisms to heart that your narcissistic parent said.  My mother in particular always made me feel like something was very wrong with me or I was crazy, so learning that I’m simply typical of my type was very freeing!

 

In case you’re interested, this is the test I took: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

 

If you decide to take the test, then learn all you can about your personality type.  I find this site to be quite useful:  http://personalitygrowth.com

 

There is one last link I want to share with you.  This one is about the unhealthy side of each personality type.  I found this to be beneficial because it shows you what behavior you are prone to if you’re dysfunctional.   https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/07/31/evil-versions-every-myers-briggs-personality-type/

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“She Couldn’t Have Done Those Things! She’s Too Nice!”

When an abuse victim isn’t believed, often times the person who doesn’t believe the victim says it’s because the abuser is too nice or too good of a person.  No one so kind could do the terrible things the victim says they did!  The victim must have misunderstood, is exaggerating or flat out lying!

What the non believing people fail to realize is that this is typical of abusive people, narcissists in particular.  Abusers have two sides- the side they show the public & the side they show to those closest to them, their victims.  Behaving in such a manner guarantees the victim won’t be believed if she tells others about what the abuser does.  People will believe the charade of a good person because abusers are notoriously good actors.  Some are even able to convince mental health professionals they aren’t abusive, & that the victim is lying.

If someone you know tells you that someone else you know is abusing them but you don’t believe it, please keep this in mind.  Don’t brush someone off because the person they accuse of abuse is “too nice” to do such things.  If you don’t live with that person, you don’t know the real person!

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How To Go No Contact

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The Blame Is Not Always Yours!

So many survivors of narcissistic abuse I’ve spoken with take on so much blame for being abused.  They say things like, “I should’ve known he was this way when we first met…”  or, “I was a difficult child.. my mother had to be hard on me.”

 

This makes me sad.  People need to have a balanced view of blame rather than taking on too much.

 

If you too grew up with a narcissistic parent or two, there is a great deal of blame to be laid on your parent(s).  If you have C-PTSD, anxiety or depression issues, struggle with self-harm or eating disorders, chances are very good the root of those problems lies with enduring narcissistic abuse as a child.  Nothing you did could create these problems for yourself.  It is your responsibility to deal with those problems, but not for having the problems.

 

If your narcissistic mother shamed you, told you that you were a mistake, ignored you or was abusive instead of disciplining you, the fault lies with her.  No matter what a child does, a child cannot make her parent treat her in such cruel ways.  No bad behavior is a valid reason to abuse a child!

 

Having trouble relating to other people after being raised by a narcissist or two is completely normal.  The blame for that can be traced back to your narcissistic parent(s).  However, the responsibility for making changes to have healthier relationships is on you.

 

Not having a healthy balance in such areas & accepting blame for these things can lead to nothing but misery.  False guilt, shame, depression, anxiety & more can result.

 

Do you place blame where it belongs or do you take on too much blame, Dear Reader?  I urge you to take a long, hard, honest look at your situation.  Ask God to help you identify areas where you’re in need of balance.  He will!

 

I realize that saying your narcissistic mother is to blame for your problems as an adult can trigger unkind, even cruel, comments from others who don’t understand narcissistic abuse.  That being said, I urge you also to consider carefully who you discuss this with.  Aim for safe people- people who have been through similar situations, who are non-judgmental & have your best interest at heart.  If you’re unsure if anyone in your life currently fits that description, then check online.  There are many online support groups.  (I have a Facebook group that is full of love & support.  You’re welcome to check it out if you like.)  Talking about it can help you a great deal, when you talk with the right people.

 

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Knowing God Gives You Confidence

Hosea 2:20  “I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the Lord.”  (KJV)

 

Growing up with narcissistic parents takes a toll on your self-esteem.  Often, it completely obliterates it.  This causes so much needless suffering!  Aside from feeling miserable, it makes you make mistakes, by giving you the belief that you can’t do anything right.  This in turn solidifies that belief that you can’t do anything right, & makes you feel even worse.  It’s an ugly, vicious cycle.

 

One way to help yourself to regain the self esteem that was stolen from you is to talk to God.

 

As a child of God, there is PLENTY in the Bible that states what God thinks of you.  And, Dear Reader, He thinks a great deal of wonderful things about you!  He loves you so much, & wants you to know that.  One way He shows it is by talking about you in the Bible.  I created a list of these Scriptures & added them to my website.  Feel free to check it out at this link:  http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Positive-Affirmations.php

 

Also, ask God what He thinks of you, & to help you to be more aware of His love.  You will be surprised!  You may notice more people saying & doing nice things for you.  Blessings may come your way that you weren’t expecting.  Maybe both!  In any case, you will be blessed.

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Going No Contact Doesn’t Fix Everything

There is a good amount of information out there about going no contact with narcissists.  Many articles make it sound like going no contact will solve all of your problems.  It definitely solves some.  No longer having a narcissist in your life means you are no  longer abused, which of course is a great thing.  However, even so, it doesn’t solve all of your problems!

 

When a person has eliminated a relationship, people always seem to have opinions.  There are even more opinions when the relationship in question is with a parent.  The adult child is often referred to as selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, unreasonable & more.  People often act as though you made this choice on a whim, when nothing could be further from the truth!  The worst part is this judgement often comes from people close to you that you never expected would behave like this towards you.  Not only does what they say hurt a great deal, but some people will side with the narcissistic parent & abandon you.  Rarely does a person who severs ties with a parent have many allies.

 

Going no contact also doesn’t heal the wounds that your parent inflicted upon you.  Those wounds are still there.  You still are going to wake up each morning with C-PTSD, anxiety &/or depression.  If you also were physically abused, the scars aren’t going to vanish just because your abusive parent is out of your life either.

 

In fact, I found in my experience and in talking to others that after implementing no contact, suddenly they felt they had more issues to deal with than they had previously.  Repressed memories came up, they had more nightmares than usual, anxiety was much worse, they were very depressed & more.  I firmly believe the reason for this is because when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that narcissist basically takes up almost all of your thoughts.  You’re so busy trying to figure out ways to please them or at least not trigger their wrath.  You may be trying to find a way to escape the relationship unscathed.  You’re definitely trying to maintain your sanity in an insane situation.  Once the relationship is over, those things are gone.  Your mind is free of a huge burden.  Now it’s time to process all of what you have been through, & your emotional floodgates let loose.  It can be pretty scary & overwhelming.  I try to make the best of it, & remember these things that have come up are doing so for a reason.  I talk to God about them, & write about them in my journal as ways to help me heal.

 

No contact is a very viable solution when dealing with narcissists.  Often, it is the only solution.  However, it isn’t an easy one.  Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please know that it won’t solve all of your problems.  It will help you a great deal, but don’t expect it to be easy.

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Why Having A Narcissistic Parent Is So Damaging

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When People Say Ugly Things About You

When people tell you you’re stupid, crazy, ugly, etc., there is a reason for it, & it isn’t what you think.

 

A person saying such things to you doesn’t necessarily believe that you are those things.  In fact, most likely they don’t believe it at all.  Quite the contrary, they think you are intelligent, attractive, etc.

 

So why would a person say such awful things to another when they don’t believe them to be true?  There are two very distinct possibilities.

 

Control.  A person with low self-esteem is much easier to control than someone with healthy self-esteem.  The more a person is beaten down, thinking they are stupid, worthless & other awful things, the easier that person is to control because they assume the controlling person knows best.  Also, a person with low self-esteem will work as hard as they can to get love & approval.  This works nicely for the controller because she can get anything she wants from the victim.

 

Projection.  Narcissists love to project their flaws onto others.  If the narcissist is a liar, she will accuse you of lying.  Overeats?  She’ll call you a glutton, pig or fat.  By doing this projection thing, it allows the narcissist to be angry about the flaw while not accepting that they have it.  It is just one in their arsenal of horrible coping skills.

 

The next time someone says terrible things about you, take notice.  There is a very good reason for it, & chances are that it isn’t that they are offering you constructive criticisms in order to help improve you.

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Subtle Tactics Narcissists Use To Abuse

When most people think of narcissists, they think of someone loud & obnoxious, who is obviously abusive.  That isn’t always the case however.  Some tactics narcissists use to abuse their victims are very subtle.  So much so that when they happen, a victim may not give them a moment’s thought.  That doesn’t make these tactics any less abusive.

 

Trying to “fix” your appearance.  This can be done in very subtle ways, such as suggesting what foods you can eat to help you lose weight or what clothes would look better on you than what you normally wear.  It’s a way to shame your looks disguised as offering helpful suggestions.  It’s also a good way to make someone look like what the narcissist wants that person to look like.

 

Isolation.  Whether the narcissist in your life is a parent or spouse, it’s a safe bet that person wants to isolate you.  They may say things like, “She isn’t really your friend.  If she was, she would/wouldn’t ….”  “I heard he said …. about you.  It was a terrible thing to say, especially since he’s your brother!”  “They don’t like me.  It really hurts me you’d be friends with people who obviously hate me.”  The fewer people in your life, the easier you are to control.  You won’t be able to talk about your situation with anyone, so no one can tell you what he or she is doing is wrong.

 

Disrespecting your boundaries.  It starts out small.. a little compromise you don’t object to.  Then it’s another, slightly bigger compromise, then another & another.  Before you know it, you aren’t allowed to have any boundaries.  The old saying, “give him an inch, he’ll take a mile” is the absolute truth with narcissists.

 

Making you doubt yourself.  “Are you sure you said that?”  “No, I don’t think you really want that.  I think you’d prefer….”  Subtle phrases like this are nothing but gaslighting.  They make a person doubt their perceptions, feelings, & opinions.  It’s a very subtle way of tearing a person down mentally & emotionally.

 

Using anger to control you.  In romantic relationships, they hide their anger until they are comfortable that you’re in it for the long haul, then they start using their anger suddenly.  Overt narcissists often will scream & rage, sometimes for hours.  Covert narcissists give quiet displays of their rage- they give the silent treatment, give disapproving looks, tell other people how cruel you are to them & play the victim.  Some narcissists will punch walls or take their anger out on inanimate objects as a way to intimidate you.  My ex husband did this & told me how lucky I was he took his anger out on our microwave instead of me.

 

If someone is doing these things to you or someone you know, it’s abuse, plain & simple!  You have every right to protect yourself from this type of behavior, no matter who is doing it.  Take back your power!  Set & enforce your boundaries.  Leave if the person becomes angry, especially if you’re afraid for your safety.  Rekindle old friendships the narcissist forced you to abandon. Start a journal if you don’t currently have one, & keep track of the things the narcissist says- seeing things in writing may give you more clarity.  Most of all pray.  Ask God what you should do in this situation.  He will guide you & give you creative ways to handle it or the strength to go no contact.

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Understanding Your Abuser vs Justifying Their Abuse

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The Need To Discuss Narcissistic Abuse

Those of us who have been through narcissistic abuse need to talk about it.  It is part of the healing process, discussing our experiences.  This happens for several reasons.

 

Narcissists routinely convince their victims of all manners of ridiculous things, & it takes a lot of talking to be able to sort out the truth from their lies.

 

Narcissistic abuse is very difficult to wrap your mind around, even when you have experienced it first hand.  Talking about what you have been through makes it more real, & enables you to accept that these awful things did happen.  Once that happens, you can begin to heal.

 

Narcissists invalidate their victims constantly, about every single thing that can be invalidated.  Once we realize we have been abused & come away from that, we crave validation.  We especially crave it about the experiences we had, because the narcissist told us we were the problem, they did nothing wrong.  It helps us so much to hear that they were the problem, not us.  We all need to hear this!  The less we hear it, the more likely we are to continue believing we are the real problem in the relationship.  We can’t heal if we don’t know this truth.

 

Some people may not understand that you need to talk about your experiences, & may be nasty to you, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with talking about it.  It means you’re a normal person who has been through an abnormal situation.

 

When you find people who don’t understand your need to discuss what you have been through, it’s time to move on, & find others with whom you can discuss your experiences without fear of judgment.  Other survivors are usually the safest people you can talk to.  They understand how surreal everything is, & how you need validation.  They also can share how they have learned to live with the abuse done to them.

 

Remember, Dear Reader, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the need to discuss what you have been through!  Go with it!  You will feel so much better if you do.

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Differences In Justifying & Understanding Abuse

There is often a great amount of faulty thinking among people that says if you understand why an abuser abuses, that means you’re justifying the abuse.  While that certainly is possible, it isn’t always the case, & it’s also never wise.

 

Anyone who’s been subjected to narcissistic abuse knows narcissists love gaslighting.  Any time they can mess with your perception, feelings & sanity, they are going to jump at that chance.  This even happens when it comes to  their abuse.  They often deny it happened, say it didn’t happen the way you remember or even blame you for making them do whatever it is they did.  As a result of all the gaslighting, it can be very difficult to know & understand the truth.  In fact, it becomes so difficult, many victims do take on the blame for being abused.

 

I was one of those victims who believed being abused was my responsibility.  If I would just be a better daughter, get better grades, obey my mother even more, etc. my mother wouldn’t have needed to spend so much time screaming at me & telling me what a horrible person I was.  Maybe too, my father might try to protect me from her.  I later carried that behavior into my first marriage & my current marriage as well, believing all of the problems in my marriage or with the in-laws were 100% my fault.  In fact, it’s only been in the last probably 10 years or so I’ve been seeing how wrong that is.

 

One thing that helped me to see that I wasn’t always to blame is to understand the people who blamed me.  I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then later that there are overt & covert narcissists.  I learned how these people behave, & how they abuse.  I also learned about their motivation always being procuring narcissistic supply.  The more I learned, the more I understood my abusers.  Things finally started to make sense.  And, the more I realized those who blamed me when they were the abusers were really messed up!  After a lifetime of hearing that I was the problem, I can’t tell you how freeing it was to learn beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was NOT the real problem!

 

A lot of people will say understanding your abuser is a waste of time.  They’re evil, why bother?  Maybe that works for them, which is great of course, but for me, it was an integral part of my healing.

 

But, this could have ended poorly just as easily.  If I hadn’t questioned the “disorder” in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I probably would have bought into  the false believe that narcissists can’t help how they behave, because it’s a disorder.  Even seeing all the narcissists in my life control their abusive behavior very well, I wouldn’t have trusted my own instincts about it being something they can indeed control thanks to years of gaslighting.  I could have justified their abuse because they have a “disorder” which means they can’t control their behavior.  It’s not their fault they act the way they do.  Who can control a disorder, after all?!

 

I believe this sort of thinking happens with some folks who learn about NPD.  They hear it’s a disorder, & are willing to absolve the narcissist of responsibility for their behavior.

 

Maybe other people justify narcissist’s behavior because the narcissist had an abusive or neglectful childhood.  While certainly that can create issues in a person, narcissism is a choice.  Narcissists choose to behave the way they do, & they do it because it gets them what they want.

 

Many people justify their behavior because narcissists are not abusive all of the time.  They throw in some nice behavior sometimes.  This confuses victims.  They know the narcissist is capable of being kind & hope she’ll return to being that way.  They fail to realize this is only to lure a victim back into the narcissist’s web, so they make excuses for the bad behavior.  They say things like, “She’s under a lot of stress lately” or, “He was just drunk- it’s not his fault.”  Nice behavior done by a narcissist is never done out of love, but as a way to manipulate & control.

 

Justifying narcissistic abuse in any way is NOT healthy!  It damages your mental health!  It makes you believe you are to blame for what the narcissist does.  It makes you apologize to the narcissist when she abuses you.  It makes you tell yourself incredibly damaging things like you don’t matter.

 

Always remember, there is a huge difference between understanding your abuser & justifying her behavior.  And, only one (understanding your abuser) has the ability to help you.

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The Real You & The False You

Some years ago, I began to realize I didn’t know who I really was.  I was the result of people telling me who I was, how to dress, what to like & not like.  It’s taken a long time but I can say honestly that now, I’ve finally shed that false person & become the person God made me to be.

 

This is very common with children of narcissistic parents.

 

As a child, you learn early on that your job is to please your narcissistic parent at all times no matter the cost.  If there’s something about you that doesn’t please that parent, it’s best to change that into something that does please that parent rather than face the traumatic consequences.  This behavior becomes such a habit, you aren’t even aware that you do it.

 

Eventually you grow up.  Not into the person God created you to be- an adult version of that false self your narcissistic parent forced you to become.

 

While creating the false self worked for surviving childhood with a horribly abusive narcissistic parent, it no longer serves you well as an adult.  Chances are, you’re unhappy & don’t even know why.  Maybe you work at a job you hate.  Even though it’s a good job that pays well, it just doesn’t fulfill you or bring you any joy.  Maybe you wear a style of clothing you hate just because it’s what you feel you’re supposed to wear, thanks to your narcissistic parent.

 

It’s time for this behavior to stop.  Whether or not your narcissistic parent is still a part of your life, it’s time to stop worrying about pleasing your parent & start worry about pleasing yourself.

 

As always, prayer is the best place you can start.  Ask God to help you become the person He made you to be, & be glorified through you.  Ask Him to show you what you need to do to accomplish this.

 

Also, start paying attention to yourself.  This is hard to do, I know.  Narcissistic parents raise their children to ignore themselves & focus on the parent, & that is a tough habit to break.  It needs to be done though!  Pay attention to how you feel about things.  Do you really like that car you drive or is it just because your narcissistic parent said you should drive it?  If your job isn’t fulfilling, ask yourself why?  What about it doesn’t work well for you?  Do you really like vanilla ice cream even though you were always told you didn’t?  Even little things like the ice cream thing are important- your likes & dislikes make you, you.  So pay attention!  The more you pay attention to how you really feel about things, the easier it gets.  And, the more you learn, the more you’ll want to learn.  You’re going to find out that you’re actually a very interesting, special, unique person!

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How Families Protect Their Narcissist

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Shock & Abuse

Sometimes when abuse gets especially bad, it can put a person into shock.  This can be expected when someone is beaten or raped, especially by someone known to the victim, but it comes other times as well.

 

In cases of narcissistic abuse, a narcissist can be much like a machine gun of abuse- shooting out abuse after abuse in a short period of time.  A victim doesn’t have the time to cope with one episode before another comes along.  Or, the abuse can be so outrageous that it is simply unbelievable.  When this happens, victims can go into a state of shock

 

I believe this happens because the brain is trying to protect the victim.  Shock gives a person time to come to terms with the fact something awful has happened.  Unfortunately though, it still can be difficult to go through.  Focus & concentration can be hard to come by.  You may feel very “spacey”.  You also may miss things you normally notice such as if someone is making a joke.  And, you may not be able to identify your emotions.

 

During the last few weeks of my father’s life, due to the constant abuse I received for not saying good bye to him as well as my own grief, I experienced shock like I’ve never experienced before.  (That’s saying something too since I experienced it on a regular basis growing up due to constant abuse, especially in my late teens.)  At the time of me writing this, my father has been dead for about six weeks now, & the shock is still there.   It’s finally starting to diminish a little bit. One plus at least is I’m learning how to cope with shock, so I thought I’d share what I’m learning with you, Dear Reader.

 

I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to get over shock right away.  It happened for a reason- to protect your mental health.  Don’t try to force yourself to get better right away, because obviously you aren’t ready to cope with what happened just yet.  It reminds me of repressed memories- forcing them to come back to the forefront of your mind can cause you more suffering than is necessary.  Just let the shock work itself out.

 

Try to take care of yourself.  I say try because as an adult child of narcissistic parents, I know self care isn’t easy.  Try it anyway.  Get plenty of rest, eat good food, & don’t neglect your physical health.  Shock can take a toll on your body as well as your mind, so treat it well.

 

Do things that make you feel nurtured.  Drink herbal tea, coffee or cocoa.  Spend a day curled up in your favorite blanket & watch funny movies all day.  Buy yourself little treats like a new book or CD you’ve been wanting.  Simple little gestures can help you to feel better.

 

In time, the shock will lift, & you will need to face what you’re feeling after your trauma.  Don’t forget to continue taking good care of your physical & mental health when that happens!  Emotional work takes up a lot of energy, so you need to take care of both your physical & mental health as you heal.

 

I noticed something about my situation that I wonder if others have faced as well.  During the worst of the shock, I stopped remembering my dreams.  This was very odd for me as I’ve always had very vivid dreams that I clearly remember.   I believe that is because my brain was trying to come to terms with the daily traumas I endured for that time.  I finally started remembering some of my dreams about five weeks after the last traumatic episode surrounding my father’s death happened.

 

I find dreams to be extremely helpful in understanding my emotional health.  I strongly advice paying attention to your dreams once you begin having them again.  Write them down.  Look up dream symbols to help you to understand what your dreams are about.  Personally, I like http://www.dreammoods.com .  Also ask God to help you to understand them.  You may find some valuable insight in your dreams.

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Rejection Takes Many Forms

Rejection is a huge part of narcissistic abuse.  It may not seem like it at first, but when you think about it, it really is.

Rejection isn’t only kicking someone out of your life.  Rejection can take many other forms.

Telling someone that they aren’t good enough is a form of rejection.

A parent failing to protect their child is rejecting the child.

Not allowing a child to have any rights is rejection.

Not hearing a child is rejection.

Invalidating a child is certainly rejection.

Treating a child as if the child has no value is rejection.

Rejection in childhood is extremely damaging.  It can destroy a child’s self-esteem, inhibits their ability to trust people, & makes them relate to others in unhealthy ways.  They can develop anxiety or anger problems.

To undo this damage, prayer is vital, in my opinion.  Ask God where to start.

I also believe that learning what the Bible has to say about you is very important.  I created a list of positive affirmations, & put them on my website.  Feel free to print them out if you like.  They can be found here: http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Positive-Affirmations.php

Another thing that I find is important is realizing that any parent who rejects her own child has problems.  Narcissists are incredibly dysfunctional in their thinking, which is why they hurt even their own children.  They have problems!  Normal people don’t deliberately hurt anyone, especially their own children.

Dear Reader, just because you have been rejected by your parent doesn’t mean you are bad or flawed or whatever they said about you.  You are a child of God, & God doesn’t make mistakes!

Psalm 27:10  “Although my father and my mother have abandoned me,
Yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].”  (AMP)

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Discrediting The Victim

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Denial

Denial is a common survival tool of victims of all types of abuse.  Pretending things didn’t happen, weren’t that bad or there was a good reason your abuser acted as she did are all forms  of denial.

 

Denial may help you to cope for a while, but it shouldn’t be a permanent solution.  It can be very unhealthy.

 

It enables you to avoid facing the damage done & the pain you feel.  Although that may feel good for a short time, in the long run, it can hurt your physical & mental health.  Stifling emotions can create anxiety, depression, headaches, body aches with no physical cause, high blood pressure, kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes & more.

 

Denial may get you through a bad situation as it’s happening, but otherwise, it has no benefits.  I know facing the ugly truth can be hard, but I want to encourage you, Dear Reader, to face it.  As hard as it may be, it’s actually much easier in the long run than denial is.

 

Facing the truth allows you to heal.  When you no longer deny the facts, you can see the situation for what it is, then deal with it & heal from the damage.

 

Staying in denial often also means staying in an abusive situation.  Many people think they don’t have a right to be upset about their situation because their narcissistic parent wasn’t as bad as someone else’s, or at least their abusive husband didn’t beat them like their friend’s did, so they continue to have a close relationship with their abuser.  There is no logic at all in this!  Abuse is abuse, period!  It’s all bad!  Degrees of abuse don’t matter.  What does matter is no one should tolerate being abused!

 

When you know you need to start facing certain things, it’s time to get into prayer.  Ask God to help you.  Ask Him for strength & courage.  Ask Him to enable you to face whatever you need to, & only to allow you to face what you are able to at any given time.  You will be glad you did this as you begin to face ugly truths.  And, you’ll be glad you started facing those truths once you realize how much healthier you’ve become!

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Loving Narcissists?!

Matthew 5:44  “But I say to you, love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for]your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” (AMP)

 

When it comes to loving narcissists, it feels like an impossible task. They aren’t easy people to love, because of all the cruel & horrible things they do to their victims.  How can you feel all warm & fuzzy towards someone who deliberately hurts you?!

 

You can’t.  But, the good news is God’s kind of love isn’t always about the warm & fuzzy feelings.  Reread the above Scripture again if you don’t believe me.  It says that “love is unselfishly seeking the best or higher good for someone.”  You can do that without feeling warm, fuzzy feelings.

 

Probably about two years ago by now, God put it on my heart to pray for some people who have hurt me a great deal in my life.  Then, He kept wanting me to add to the list.  Daily I pray for many abusive people who have been in my life, including my narcissistic parents.  Honestly, it was a bit of a struggle for me to pray for such mean people at first, but it’s gotten much easier as I’ve gotten in the habit of praying for them each morning.  I even set a reminder on my cell phone to remind me to pray each morning.

 

It has helped me too, to realize it’s possible to love someone without liking them.  We are called to love people, not like them, & there is a big difference.  Loving someone means you want the best for them while liking someone can be more about the “fuzzy” feelings.

 

You may not believe it, but it’s possible to love narcissists God’s way.  Simply wanting the best for them is Godly love.  You may not be able to stand the sight of someone, yet love them God’s way.

 

In fact, there are loving behaviors that most likely narcissists won’t think are loving, but they truly are.  Setting boundaries, for example.  Boundaries not only protect you, but they encourage the other person to behave in a healthy way.  Sometimes even ending a relationship can be a loving thing to do if you think about it.  Just being in the presence of a narcissist can stir up strife.  Removing yourself from their life means you are also removing one person for them to abuse.  It can be a very loving thing to go no contact for yourself as well as a narcissist.

 

Remembering these things has been helpful to me.  Aside from enabling me to pray for them, & God wants us to pray for our enemies, it’s given me peace.  I’ve been accused of hating narcissists that I have ended relationships with, which left me feeling shame.  Thankfully God showed me the truth though, & that truth is that I do love them, I just don’t like them.  That is important to know because it eliminates guilt & shame that have no place in your heart.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism