Validate Yourself

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is not an easy thing.  You go through the abuse & somehow survive, only to be victimized further by people who invalidate what you have gone through.

I have heard comments such as…

  • “That doesn’t sound so bad…”(from my high school guidance counselor, referring to my mother screaming at me for hours in my teen years)
  • “You just need to understand her better.”
  • “Nobody’s perfect!”
  • “You need to fix things with your parents.  Get into counseling!”
  • “You need to work things out with your parents.  They won’t be around forever yanno!”
  • (from a different counselor after meeting my mother) “I can’t see you anymore- you’re a terrible daughter!”
  • “You need to find things you have in common with your parents!”
  • “You’re too negative!”
  • “I can’t believe they are that bad!”
  • “Are you even sure that happened?  That’s a pretty serious accusation.”
  • Various excuses as to why my narcissistic parents or mother in-law treated me so poorly such as she isn’t intelligent (she isn’t educated- big difference), her mother in-law didn’t like her, etc.
  • Laughing at my story of being abused.

After hearing such things, I felt victimized all over again.

Victim blaming is very common in today’s society, so it’s not surprising these cruel words & more are said to victims of narcissistic abuse daily.

Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any way to avoid them entirely.  All you can do is use wisdom on who you share your story with.  Even when you do this, sometimes people may hurt you by invalidating your pain.

The fact is though that you can validate yourself.  You can heal from narcissistic abuse even if there is no one to support you but God.

To do this, you need to lean on God.  Talk to Him about how you feel.  He can handle it all & wants to be there for you!  Let Him be!

As for you.. you need to trust that what happened was bad.  Admit it to yourself.  No more excuses, no more telling yourself you’re oversensitive or weak.  Narcissistic abuse permeates every part of a person’s being.  It can destroy one’s self-esteem, perception of reality or even sanity.  It is nothing to take lightly!   If you’re having trouble with this, write your story out.  When I wrote my autobiography “Emerging from the Chrysalis” a few years ago, it was hard.  Very hard.  For the first time, I realized just how bad the abuse I have survived really was.  Yet, as hard as it was to see things in black & white, it was very freeing too.  It gave me a new perspective.  I realized I’m a very strong person.  I also realized God must love me a great deal to have gotten me through all of that.  It also helped me to see my parents as they truly are, instead of making excuses for their behavior or thinking I was the one with the problems- I really wasn’t oversensitive, overreacting, reading too much into things, etc.  They have some serious problems & one of those problems is NOT me!

Once you are able to accept the truth about what you have gone through, healing will come.  You will grieve, you will be angry, but these are necessary steps to freedom from narcissistic abuse.  And, the more you validate yourself & heal, the less other people’s invalidation will bother you.  I’m not saying it won’t hurt sometimes- it’s only human to be hurt when your pain is trivialized- but it won’t devastate you as it once did.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

“You Don’t Look Sick”

I’ve been reading a lot lately about people who have a disease or mental illness, who have the handicapped plates on their car receiving nasty notes on their car that say awful things like “You don’t look sick.  Shame on you for using that parking place when someone who is really sick needs it!”  Or, others who have problems that don’t show outward signs are faced with family members & friends who don’t believe they’re actually sick.  These people are accused of things like looking for attention, faking it so they don’t have to work or even faking their illness so they can get certain drugs.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this myself.  Having C-PTSD, some people think is a walk in the park.  If only!  Try to handle a flashback when you have to focus every ounce of strength on staying in reality versus getting lost in the flashback & I dare you to tell me it’s no big deal.  Earlier this year, I’ve also been through getting a concussion when I passed out from carbon monoxide poisoning.  Each day is now a gamble on how functional I can be, because both have done damage.  But, since I look fine, & usually can hold a conversation fairly well, people assume I’m fine,  or some will flat out insult me when my symptoms show up.

It can be so hard not to internalize people’s cruel, thoughtless words!  All too often, I berate myself for being lazy when I don’t feel up to simple tasks or call myself stupid when I can’t remember things or can’t find the right words to express myself.  Internalizing such things demoralizes you & makes you doubt the legitimacy of your symptoms.  It can make you feel as if you’re crazy.

When I was 19, my mother threw me into a wall so hard, I had back pain for the next 10 years.  No one believed me, except for one chiropractor & my ex husband then later my current husband.  Everyone else said I was faking it, lazy, etc.  It sank in.  I doubted myself many times.  Even in the midst of awful pain, I thought I was making it up so I didn’t have to work (the most common thing I heard).  On good days when the pain wasn’t so bad, I was convinced I had to be lying & my back wasn’t so bad.  It was a terrible feeling!

The fact is, with most injuries, diseases & disorders, you have good & bad days.  Just because last Tuesday was a good day doesn’t mean you were lying about the other bad days!  You simply had a good day!

Most people seem to lack empathy for those suffering from debilitating health problems.  If you are one of them, STOP IT!  How do you think you would feel if you had a serious problem & someone  told you to get over it, stop faking it or even you don’t look sick?  You wouldn’t tolerate it happily, so why should someone else?

If you are someone who has been on the receiving end of such ignorant, heartless statements, please remember that the person saying such nonsense has no idea what you live with each day.  Ignore what they say.  You know what you live with on a daily basis.  You know your painful symptoms all too well.  Ignore their words & believe what you see & feel, what you live with daily.  Those things will show you that you are sick & that you aren’t lazy, faking, etc.  While you take care of yourself, don’t forget to ask God to heal you.  And, pray for the heartless person as well.  Ask God to help them to have an empathetic, compassionate heart so they don’t continue to hurt you or other people.

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Inner Faultfinder

Everyone has an inner voice.  That sense of pride when you do a job well is a part of it, as is that other voice that criticizes you when you make a mistake.  For most of us who suffered narcissistic abuse, that inner voice turns into the harshest, cruelest critic you can imagine.

Have you ever done something simple, like spill your drink, & then tell yourself how clumsy you are for doing so?  Or, did you show up late due to circumstances beyond your control such as a flat tire then berate yourself for being so unreliable?  Did your company let you go due to cutbacks, no fault of your own, yet you still told yourself you were a failure?  That is your inner voice turned inner faultfinder.

That voice isn’t naturally cruel.  It turns cruel because of your narcissistic mother.  Her constant put downs & judgments eventually turn inward, & you began to tell yourself the same things she did.  Maybe you use her words, or maybe not, but you become as abusive towards yourself as she is towards you.

Unfortunately, this seems to be a natural event for children of narcissistic mothers.  I wonder if it is because that inner voice stays stuck as a child.  It doesn’t grow up, but instead stays an abused child, wanting to please the impossible to please narcissistic mother.  When you fail  to please her (by making a mistake, spilling something, doing something she wouldn’t approve of, etc.), that inner voice simply repeats what your mother has said (or implied).  I’ve heard that some people who experience trauma at an early age never emotionally grow past that point.  They get stuck at the age of their traumatic experience.  Maybe for some of us who didn’t do that, our inner voice did instead.  It just got stuck in an abusive childhood, & wants so desperately to please the narcissistic mother, it will imitate her actions in an attempt to make it happen.

I have been this way my entire life- extremely critical of myself.  If I forget something, I tell myself how stupid I am.  If I’m feeling under the weather & my husband helps me with or worse yet, does all of the housework, I’m useless & a burden.  If I stub my toe, I’m stupid, clumsy & should’ve known better.  It’s not a pretty inner dialog.  Frankly, it’s gotten old.  I’ve heard enough unfair criticisms in my life to last ten lifetimes, & not only from the narcissists- from myself as well.  I’ve decided it’s time to change.  God has shown me some ways to change this, & I’ll share with you in the hopes they help you as well..

  • Ask for God’s help on the matter.  He will show you creative ways to handle it as He has me.
  • Tell that critic to shut up.  I’m going to say “shut up!” to that awful faultfinding, hyper-critical voice inside every time it says something hateful, then switch my thinking to something else.  Anything to take my mind off what it said.
  • Remind yourself the critic is only an echo of your narcissistic mother, & it’s wrong.  Just like your narcissistic mother, this voice has her best interests at heart, not yours.  Its opinions won’t benefit you.  Ignore it as you do your narcissistic mother’s useless opinions on your life.
  • Years ago, I saw Robb Thompson, a preacher on TV, give a wonderful visual for controlling bad thoughts.  He said they were from the devil, so when bad thoughts came to you, imagine taking the devil by the hand, walking him over to God & saying to the devil, “Ok, now tell Him what you just told me.”  Naturally the devil would be too afraid to say anything so cruel to one of His children in front of God & would back down.

I believe it will take time to make that cruel inner voice less cruel but I think it can be done.  After all, it was trained to be so negative- why can’t it be retrained to be less abusive?


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

How Grief Can Help You Heal

Last night, I dreamed a lot, but don’t remember about what.  I assume one had to do with my mother hurting me badly a few months ago, because when I first woke up, I couldn’t get the incident out of my mind for quite a while.  She asked one day if my ex husband ever hit me.  I said he did once, & her response was to tell me she had no idea.  If she would’ve known, she would’ve called a lawyer.  Didn’t ask if I’d been hurt or anything, just kept the focus on her- how she felt about it & what she would’ve done if she had known.  Apparently she doesn’t remember she saw me shortly after, when I looked rough, complete with bruises on my wrists in the shape of his hands where he’d grabbed me.  She also forgot telling my father she couldn’t imagine what I did to make him hurt me like that.  The conversation hurt so badly, I began crying while she was on the phone, which I try never to do.  Thankfully, she didn’t notice because of being so caught up in her narcissistic monologue.

That incident hurt me terribly.  It left me feeling very depressed for quite some time as I grieved the fact my mother doesn’t care enough about me to remember such a traumatic incident in my life.  I couldn’t even think about it sometimes, because I simply couldn’t tolerate that hurt.

Thankfully, when I woke up this morning & was forced to think of this incident (gotta love intrusive thoughts..), I realized something had changed.  My period of grief was done.  While thinking about it made me a bit sad, it was nothing like it once was, & mostly I was angry.  It was a healthy, righteous anger at the unfairness of the situation.  My own mother doesn’t care enough to remember seeing her daughter bruised & injured.  What kind of mother does that?!  The anger empowered me, & this is a good thing, I think.  It will enable me to be stronger when I have to deal with my mother, to enforce my boundaries better  & to tolerate less nonsense from her than I have been.

Grieving is a vital part of healing from abuse.  Releasing the pain & sadness for all you went through can help to bring you to a healthier perspective of your situation.  It clears your head, allowing room for other, healthier thoughts & emotions to come in.  It certainly did exactly this for me in the above mentioned situation.

I think many people are adverse to grieving the abuse they endured, because they think of it as feeling sorry for themselves.  Society places so much value on picking yourself up by your bootstraps & moving on that people want to just do that, while ignoring the process that enables moving on to happen.  Instead, they tend to ignore their pain, stuffing it down & putting on a happy face.  There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself for a time though!  I think of it as self-compassion, rather than self-pity.  If you would feel bad for a friend who told you her painful story, what is wrong with you feeling that same way regarding yourself & your own painful story?

Grieving is more than feeling self-compassion though.  It is processing what happened which allows you to release the pain.  Maybe all of it or maybe only most of it, but once pain is released you are then able to function better & think more clearly.

Allow yourself to grieve over the painful things you’ve experienced!  Cry about them, get angry about them, say out loud that what happened to you was unfair, cruel & simply wrong.  Do what you need to do to get the pain & sadness out of you- you will be much happier in the long run.

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One Of God’s Most Precious Gifts- Animals

I’ve always been an avid animal lover, especially cats.  In 2009 after losing my 18 year old tabby cat Sneezer, I thought I’d study what the Bible has to say about animals.  It was very eye opening!  I learned enough to write a full book on the topic, “Pawprints On Our Hearts”  

The Bible has so much to say about God’s love for the wonderful animals that He created.  Two verses though really spoke to my heart about how valuable animals are:

Job 12:7-10  “But ask the beasts, and they will teach you; the birds of the heavens, and they will tell you; or the bushes of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.”  (ESV)

Job 35:11  “Who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the heavens?’” (ESV)

I’ve always known that animals can make wonderful companions, but they also are wonderful teachers.  After reading those verses, it began to click in my mind just how good they are at teaching.

My first cat, Magic, taught me how to be a good mom to my cats.  He was always loving & patient with them, even the neediest young kittens.  He knew exactly what they needed & how to meet those needs.

Vincent taught me to appreciate the little things & people.  One day I was walking him outside & he stopped to let the cool fall breeze flow through his fur.  The look on his face was sheer bliss.  When it stopped, he looked at me, then grabbed my hand & kissed it, I believe to thank me for allowing him to enjoy the experience of being outside.

Jasmine inspired me to never give up.  She had 4 strokes in just under 2 years, & fought incredibly hard to recover from them, even when a vet told me I should put her down.

If you just pay attention to the animals in your life, you can learn some really amazing things.  I have asked God to help me to learn from my furbabies.  They are also some amazing teachers, always willing to teach you.

I also talk to them just as I talk to people.  Animals are very intelligent, & they truly understand what we say to them, not only the tone of our voices as some wrongly believe.  They also find ways to convey their messages to you.   I remember one time before my dog, Bear, passed.. he  had arthritis really badly, & one day he needed a pain pill.  He came into the kitchen as I was washing dishes & looked at me.  I could tell he was hurting by how he walked, & asked if he was ok.  He looked at the fridge, then me.  I asked if he needed a pill & he barked once as if to say “yes!”  I gave him his pill, & he gave me a kiss in return.

Animals are truly a blessing & a gift straight from God.  If you aren’t enjoying them or enjoying them as much as you could, I urge you to give them a try.  Get to know them.  Ask them questions.  They’ll find a way to answer.  Most of all, love them & enjoy their friendship.  It will bring you great joy!

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Get Your Passion Back

I realized many years ago, I didn’t know myself at all.  I’d been too busy trying to please others to get to know the person God made me to be.  So, I finally asked God who was I, & He shared some interesting things with me.

One of those things was that I’m a very passionate person in many ways.  That surprised me, because I act so subdued.  I used to be a little less restrained when I was younger, but the older I get, the less comfortable I am sharing with others or even letting loose & singing & dancing in my seat along with the radio as I drive like I once did.  I chalked that up to age & maturity, but I think there is way more to it.

No matter your experiences in life, good or bad, they affect you.  Unfortunately, some of us have experienced many bad things, & have been drastically affected by them.  Bad experiences can make you bitter, angry or withdrawn.  Mine have made me withdrawn.  My husband is the same way, & I think that somehow this made us do this even more.  We each saw the other one withdrawing, & did the same.  After all, if the other person doesn’t want to “be bothered” with my company, why should I try?  (Since we were both raised by narcissistic parents, we tend to take things personally that aren’t necessarily personal.  Old habits truly die hard, even when you know better.)

Although I’ve known this is a problem for a while, in all honesty, I’ve postponed dealing with it.  Today, a couple of songs came on that helped me remember that this is something I need to focus on.  The songs are:

Even if you aren’t a country music fan, I urge you to listen to them.  They describe exactly how I feel, & I’m sure many others as well.  Maybe even you.  Listening to these songs made me want my passion back.   I realize how robbed I feel, & it’s now really bothering me.

God showed me some ways to get my passion back quite some time ago & I am going to try to implement these steps in my life as often as possible.  I’m hoping what He showed me will help you as well.

I asked God to tell me who I really am.  Who did He make me to be?  Knowing how much I love animals, God told me to study the personality of a wolf, because that is what I’m truly like.  What I found was eye opening.  It described exactly the kind of person I’ve always admired.  Ask Him who you are- you may be very surprised as I was.

If God shows you, as He did me, that your personality is much like an animal, surround yourself with little reminders of that animal.  I have a lot of pictures of wolves in all moods on my tablet.  I have a wolf theme on my laptop.  I admire wolves on TV or in pictures or wherever I see them, letting the image remind me that this is the person God made me to be- like the elegant, strong, loyal, loving, wise wolf.

Dump your inhibitions!  Seriously, what good are they doing by making you squelch the person you are meant to be?  Ask God to help you do so.  When He puts it in your heart to step outside of your comfort zone, then do it.  It will help to build your self-confidence & also to shed inhibitions.

Pay attention to what you want to do.  Whether it is an interest, your career or a hobby, pay attention.  You will discover what lights a fire in you, & participating in it will feel simply amazing!

Practice self acceptance.  God made you the way you are for a reason.  Why reject it?  That is like telling God He doesn’t know what He’s doing, or he messed up for making you this way.  Ask Him to help you accept yourself & even love yourself for the person He made you to be.

I plan to listen to the above mentioned songs more & more often since music can be so inspiring.  I also feel inspired by other songs in other genres, so I’ll be listening to them more often too.  What inspires you to get your passion back?  Listen to the songs frequently or look at that painting or read that book.  Whatever it is, isn’t important so long as it inspires you.

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You Are Where You Need To Be

It seems like human nature to envy where other people are in life.  Many people envy their friends’ financial status, work position or even their prayer life.  When you’re healing from narcissistic abuse, you also may envy others who seem to be so much farther along in their healing.  I’m not immune to it- I feel the same way sometimes.

The problem though is there is no good reason to feel that way.  If God wanted you to be in the same position as another person, He’d put you there & nothing could stop Him.  God has you where you are in life for a reason.

So what is the reason?  Honestly, I don’t know.  However, I do know that part of the reason is to bless you & to bless others.  I’m not saying God is like a faery godmother, granting wishes.  Instead, He uses things that happen in life, good & bad alike, to help you to learn & grow to be more like Jesus.  And, He uses you to help others to do the same.  Even your mistakes can help others.

I encourage you today, Dear Reader, to stop griping about where you are, & to ask God to help you see the good in it or the good that will come of it.


Filed under Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

Making Some Changes With My Writing

Recently, I had an interesting dream.  It showed me that I need to change direction slightly with my writing.  I’ve been sensing I need to do this for a while, but I think now is the time to do it.

While definitely narcissism & what I learn about it as I go will be a priority, I believe it’s time to include other, lighter topics as well.  What those topics are, I’m not sure yet.  God will lead me, as always.  I’m open to suggestions though- you can comment on this post or email me at  I’ll pray about the suggestions I receive before writing about them, so your suggestion may appear a while in the future or may be tweaked a bit when I write about it.  Please don’t take that personally- I lean on God a lot with what I write, much more than people.

Anyway, I think this is a good idea to lighten up some.  The simple fact is writing & focusing about narcissism so much can be pretty overwhelming for me, & I don’t need the C-PTSD triggered any more than it already is.  I think reading about it can have the same overwhelming effect on many people.  Learning about narcissism & the damage it causes is essential to your healing from narcissistic abuse, of course.  It helps you to heal & gives you the answers you’ve been wanting.  However, it is also an extremely negative topic & can take a toll on your emotions.  Physically it can drain you, too.

I find it’s best to have balance- times where you learn about narcissism & related topics, time where you focus on your healing, but also times where you refuse to think about such things, instead focusing your energies into more positive, lighter endeavors.  Not doing so, but instead focusing constantly on it brings you down badly.  I’ve noticed it on various Facebook pages or groups for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.  So many people obsess, & you can tell just by how they write that they aren’t happy.  They spend all their time thinking about the horrors they have been through or abusive people- how could they be happy??

Instead of doing that, I would like to encourage you today to take breaks.  You’ll know when you need one- you’ll begin to feel your emotions starting to sink.  You’ll catch yourself thinking of your own awful experiences or you’ll be angry at your narcissistic mother often.  You’ll think mostly about narcissism.  These are signs it’s time to take a break.  Take an afternoon or even a few days where you deliberately refuse to focus on anything related to NPD.  Indulge in your favorite hobbies, read a new book, hang out with close friends.. do things that you enjoy & make you feel good.  Then, you can get back to a more balanced approach.  You’ll feel much better about it after your break.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

Today Is A Special Day For Me- It’s My Anniversary!

Good morning, Dear Readers!  Today is my seventeenth wedding anniversary!

I thought in honor of that, I’d take a moment to remind you today to appreciate the special person you married.  It’s so easy, especially after many years together, to take each other for granted, but that’s not good for the relationship at all.  It’s depressing to feel unappreciated.  Do you want your spouse  to feel that way??

Take a moment to think about what you appreciate about your husband or wife today.  A kind heart?  A gentle nature?  The love he or she shows your children (or furbabies)?  Is he/she a good provider?  Do you share similar interests?  Think about this for a few minutes & come up with several things.  Then make sure you tell your spouse what you appreciate about him or her.

For my husband, I’m glad we’re still together.  We had many hard years, dealing with some potentially marriage ending problems, such as my problems with his family.  God helped us both to change & our marriage to survive.  I appreciate the fact we share a great friendship.  We can have a lot of fun together just hanging out, playing video games or going to a car show.  We also share a very warped sense of humor.  We both appreciate silly movies like “Airplane!” & quote it on a regular basis during conversation.  I love the fact he taught me so much about cars & we share an appreciation for the same type of classic cars.   He tolerates my quirks (& they are which I really appreciate since so few people do.  I am grateful he doesn’t judge or criticize things about me that many other people are quick to judge, like how I manage my C-PTSD & ongoing problems I have from the carbon monoxide poisoning & concussion.  I also appreciate him taking care of me on the days when C-PTSD or health problems flare up.  He’s a good man & I’m blessed to be married to him.


Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

The Truth About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an odd thing.  When I first became a Christian in 1996, I heard a great deal about forgiveness.  God wants us to forgive so we must do it. It’s easy.  Just ask Him to take it away & all will be right in your world.  Upon asking someone once to pray for me to help forgive, she said “I don’t know what your problem is.  God says to forgive & I just do it.”  That made me feel like God was disappointed in me & I was an awful person because I couldn’t “just do it.”

Nineteen years later,  I realize what rubbish all of that was.

While I most certainly agree God wants us to forgive since it says so in the Bible (Matthew 6:14, Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:31-2, etc), no one ever explained any other motivations to forgive.  Pleasing God certainly is a good one, naturally, but is that the only reason He wants us to forgive?  Some holy whim?

It took me years of being in relationship with Him & learning from Him to realize that forgiveness not only pleases God, but is good for the person doing the forgiving.  Carrying around anger & bitterness creates a plethora of health problems such as high blood pressure, kidney disease, heart disease & more.  It also can lead to a negative attitude (example- a wife’s husband cheats so she assumes all men are untrustworthy jerks) & depression.  The sooner you’re truly able to forgive, the better it is for your physical & mental health.

I had to learn too that forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender & everything to do with the one doing the forgiving.  It is very possible to completely forgive someone who is unrepentant.  To forgive someone requires you to want to do so.  It requires no actions on the other person’s part.  Certainly a repentant heart would make it much easier, but it’s not a necessity.

I also thought forgiveness meant to forget as well.  Forgive & forget as they say.  I disagree completely.  Sure, on small things such as your husband snapping at you after a bad day at work when normally he doesn’t do that, forgiving & forgetting is fine.  However, doing so with someone who is abusive?  Not smart.  That only sets you up for further abuse because you aren’t protecting yourself & also because you gave that person a free pass to abuse you by coming back for more.

No one ever told me that forgiveness takes time.  Ephesians 4:26 was quoted to me over & over in those early days of my walk with God.. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath,” (KJV)  I believed that I had to forgive my abusive mother & ex husband NOW or else I was not pleasing God.  It took many more years for me to learn that some things can be forgiven quickly & easily while others, such as suffering years of abuse, takes more time.  I believe that so long as you at least decide quickly that you will forgive, that is the most important thing.  It’s the first step towards forgiveness.

I didn’t know that to fully forgive, I needed to get angry, to feel that anger & get it out of me.  No one ever mentioned that tidbit!  I had to learn it from God.  Thankfully God helps me to do this.  He’s taught me different ways to get the anger out.  Journaling, writing it all out, works very well for me as does telling Him exactly how I feel & why.

Lastly, I learned that forgiveness doesn’t always mean you forgive everything someone has done to you- sometimes it means you may have to forgive them for some things individually.  For example, I thought I’d forgiven my ex husband for everything & was done with him.  Not necessarily so.. when someone wrecked her motorcycle in front of my house last June, it triggered a memory, something about my ex I’d totally forgotten.  I had my motorcycle learner’s permit when we were married.  After I had a small accident in 1994, which wasn’t my fault, he didn’t want me to go through with getting my license.  I was angry how manipulative he was about it, but had forgotten that until this lady wrecked her bike.  So although I was sure I’d forgiven him for everything, here I was, having to forgive him for yet one more thing…twenty one years later!

If you’re struggling with forgiveness & anger, Dear Reader, I pray this post helps you.  There isn’t a lot of really good, balanced teaching on the topic available, but if you ask God, He will teach you whatever you need to help you.  That is how I learned what I wrote here- God showed me all of these things.  :)


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Do You Apologize For Having Problems?

In talking with a lady I just met about her traumatic brain injury, I realized we share something else in common.  We both feel the need to hide our injuries & apologize for whatever symptoms we can’t hide.

I think this is a very common phenomenon for adult children of narcissistic parents to apologize for their issues as well as those with the so-called “invisible illnesses” such as mental illness, fibromyalgia, & arthritis.

Why is that?  Why would anyone feel the need to apologize for things that are beyond their control?  I think there are a couple of potential reasons.

One reason is people are often uncomfortable with unpleasant things.  They often respond inappropriately & without empathy.  They may make jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood or change the subject, but whether they intend it or not, it feels as if they are making fun of your illness or troubles.  It’s impossible to feel safe with people who do that, & often easier to hide your symptoms or apologize for the ones you can’t hide in an attempt to pretend you don’t have the problem.

Another reason is so many people seem to think if you don’t have obvious, glaring symptoms like a 5 pound tumor on your face, you can’t be too bad off or you’re faking your problem.  For example, I had awful back problems for 10 years after my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19.  I had better days sometimes where I could deal with the pain enough to wash my car or do other somewhat physical things.  Since I could do things sometimes, people thought I was faking my injury.  I learned quickly it was easiest to hide my pain rather than hear the nasty comments.

Many illnesses don’t affect your appearance, & if you don’t look obviously sick, many people assume you don’t have a problem.  I’ve experienced carbon monoxide poisoning which gave me plenty of lasting problems, but if you look at me, I look healthy.  You’d never know that I live with symptoms of it daily if you spend only a short amount of time with me.  Any time though reveals I stumble over words when speaking, have virtually no short term memory & get very tired, very easily.  When that happens, sometimes people insult me saying I’m old or dumb.  It’s easier for me to hide the symptoms or apologize if they show up.

Mental illness is its own special entity.  So many people believe having a mental illness means you’re weak.  You need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps!  Shake it off!  Let it go!  Stop wallowing in the past!  If you just did those things, you would be fine.  They fail to realize many mental illnesses are exactly that- illness.  You can’t just shake off illness.  Your brain is actually broken.  Many people refuse to believe this, unfortunately, which means it’s easier to hide your symptoms than to risk showing any & hearing about how weak you are.

And still other people who have experienced their own life threatening illness seem to think if you haven’t experienced what they have, you haven’t got a problem.  I knew 2 ladies who both went through cancer several times each.  One had a generous, loving heart, & understood that although cancer was terrible, there were other serious problems in the world.  The other, however, whatever your problem, she would tell you (or at the least imply) to be glad you didn’t have cancer, as if it was the only real problem or real illness anyone could have & nothing else mattered.

I know these types of situation are painful, & wanting to hide or apologize for your symptoms is a very natural reaction.  But I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to stop doing that like I am going to try to do.  Your illness or its symptoms are nothing to be ashamed of.  You have nothing to apologize for, either.  The person who makes you feel that way is definitely the one with the problem, not you.

While I’m encouraging you to stop hiding your symptoms, I also would encourage you to have balance in what you discuss.  People who discuss mostly one topic, in particular the awful disease or disorder they suffer with, tend to put off others, even those with great empathy.  It can be frustrating for a person who wants to have a relaxing conversation or even look for support regarding their problems to be forced to listen to someone who drones on & on about their condition every single time they speak.  It’s not good for either person.  The listener gets frustrated, may say hurtful things in their frustration or even end the relationship.  The talker is so focused on something negative (their disease or disorder) that they ignore the more positive, good parts of life, which can lead to depression.  The talker also ends up hurt because they feel rejected when the listener is obviously tired of hearing about their condition.

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Self Doubt As You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

Recently I had a dream.  After praying about it, God showed me its meaning.  I have a great deal of self doubt.  I knew I did, but didn’t realize just how bad it was until this dream.  As I heal from narcissistic abuse & learn & grow, it takes me further & further from the abuse & dysfunction I’ve always known.  While it’s certainly a good thing, it’s also awkward.  I have a lot of times wondering if I’m doing what’s right.  Am I wrong?  Worse yet, am I crazy like my mother has said I was so many times?

I think this must be a common thing for adult children of narcissistic parents.  We grow up hearing how wrong we are about everything.  Whatever we think & feel is wrong.  Having needs & wants is wrong.  Likes & dislikes are wrong, too.  We know whatever it is, we are wrong, period, & this dysfunctional belief carries over into adulthood.  Plus, narcissistic parents speak as if whatever they say is the gospel truth.  If your narcissistic mother says something, no matter how ludicrous, no matter what truth you see yourself, it is right & you need to accept that!  Don’t believe what you see or know- believe your narcissistic mother instead!

These two things lay the groundwork for you to grow up having a great deal of doubts about yourself, especially as you heal.

While I believe this is totally normal, that doesn’t mean it is comfortable or right.

As you heal & have so many doubts, I think this is a sign to lean on God more & more.  Ask Him to help you to heal, & to have the wisdom to know what is truly right.  Ask Him to help you see if you’re heading down the wrong path & to get back on the right one.  Ask Him to help you to have the confidence to follow Him rather than the dysfunctional beliefs of your childhood.

Learn to listen to your heart, your instincts.  I believe instincts are actually the Holy Spirit guiding us, which is why they are so accurate.  Listen to them, & you will know what is right for you.

Never forget- just because your mother says something doesn’t mean it is right.  Narcissistic mothers only care about themselves & what benefits them.  They will lie to you if it benefits them to do so.  In fact, narcissists are notorious liars.  Chances are your mother lied to you a great deal & regularly practiced gaslighting on you.  You need to form your own beliefs & opinions, especially when it comes to your healing, disregarding the things she has told you.

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“You Should Be Grateful For Everything You’ve Been Through!”

Lately I’ve seen memes & statuses on facebook stating basically the same thing- that no matter what horrible thing you have experienced, you should be grateful for it because it made you who you are today.  Frankly, it’s getting on my final nerve…lol

How can anyone be grateful for being a victim of narcissistic abuse, beaten daily by a spouse, being in a car wreck, losing their home to a fire or even a nasty mother in-law?!  I can’t fathom that.

I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse & other types of abuse by several people.  I’ve been physically abused.  I’ve been in a car & a motorcycle accident.  I even have a nasty mother in-law who has hated me from the day we met, before I was even dating her son.  I’m not even close to grateful for going through any of those situations.  Not that I’m still angry or bitter about them, but honestly, I’m not grateful for what happened to me.

Instead, I am grateful to God.  Grateful He brought me through such awful situations & even made sure good came from them.  I’m grateful He put it in my heart to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder so now I can spot narcissists easily & know how to handle them when I have to deal with them.  I’m also grateful God showed me I deserve better than to be treated so badly by people, as I once thought I deserved all of their abuse.

If someone tells you that you should be grateful that you were abused or suffered in some way, ignore them.  Even if their hearts are in the right place, those words can be so hurtful & shame inducing.  Don’t let that into your heart!  You are allowed not to feel glad that you have suffered through some rough situations!  You don’t have to try to change how you feel!  Instead, just remember what you are grateful for- the strength God gave you to survive, the love He showed you as he helped you to heal, the things you learned from the situation, maybe new friends you met at a support group or the love of those close to you who supported you through your painful time.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health

You, Too, Can Be Broken Yet Beautiful

Many of you know this story I shared several months ago that explains my love of butterflies.  So keep it in mind as you read this post.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in my living room when I looked out the big window to see a lovely yellow swallowtail butterfly fluttering around the tall plants outside the window.  Naturally it made me happy, as butterflies always remind me of my granddad, who I adore & still miss even though he’s been gone for 12 years now.  I kept watching the butterfly & realized something looked different.  I took a bunch of pictures from inside the house (was afraid if I went outside, it’d spook him away) & in the pictures, I could see the butterfly had a damaged wing.  A few more pictures revealed the other wing was also very damaged.  I was stunned!  The butterfly flew so much like any other butterfly, it was hard to notice there was a problem.  And, I realized that this butterfly was just as beautiful as his counterparts whose wings were whole.  Actually, to me, he was even more beautiful since he carried on in spite of his injuries.

I’ve been thinking of this butterfly off & on since that day.  Butterflies inspire me, as you can tell.  In fact, I created The Butterfly Project as a result of the inspiration.  (Please check it out.  I believe it will bless you.)

That butterfly was such a wonderful reminder that in spite of damage, one can still be beautiful.  This turned my mind to other victims of maternal narcissism.  So many of us feel ugly because we were told we were ugly.  Ugly inside & out.  That is not the truth though!  The only ugly person is the one who abuses other people, especially her own child.  You are not ugly, Dear Reader, in any way!  Your narcissistic mother was dead wrong about that!

Also, the butterfly with the damaged wings was still able to function.  Yes, he flew a little differently than others, but different doesn’t equal bad.  The same thing goes for you, Dear Reader.  You may be a bit different because of having survived narcissistic abuse, but that doesn’t mean you are bad.  It simply means that you, like that butterfly, survived something that was meant to destroy you.

Here are some pictures of my precious butterfly visitor that day for you to enjoy…


 IMG_73164  IMG_7313

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Do People Tell You That You’re Crazy, Stupid Or Other Bad Things?

Narcissists love to accuse their victims of awful things.  Crazy, stupid, selfish & more- there is no end to the hateful things a narcissist will call you.  And, like everything else they do, there is a motive behind doing this.

Calling you these awful names doesn’t mean they actually believe you are crazy, stupid or selfish- instead, it gives them power & control.

How, you ask?  Because if you are told you are selfish, for example, you are going to work hard to prove that you are not selfish.  This gives the narcissist power over you because by saying what she did, she made you work harder for her.  She feels better about herself at this point because you working hard to please her shows she has power.  Plus, when she sees that she is able to make you do things, that makes her feel better about herself.

When someone tells you awful things about yourself, you need to think about it.  Constructive criticism is said gently & to help you.  Narcissists however, don’t say things nicely or to help.   They say things cruelly or they imply things rather than say them outright, so if you confront them, they can say something like “I never said you were *fill in the blank*”  “You read too much into things!”  “You have such a vivid imagination!”

The person saying these things.. do they often criticize you?  Do they often try to control you?

If you are having trouble determining what is really happening, ask God for discernment on the matter.

You do not deserve to be mistreated!  If someone is telling you terrible things about yourself that you know are untrue, always remember that it says more about her than you.  Normal people don’t tear down other people, but encourage & empower them instead.

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The Garment Of Shame

Psalm 132:18 says, “His enemies will I clothe with shame: but upon himself shall his crown flourish.” (KJV)

I noticed something about this Scripture.  See how it says “will I CLOTHE with shame”??  That really is how it is when you live with shame- it’s like a garment you just can’t take off.  The only way to remove that garment of shame is with God’s help & the truth.

When you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know shame all too well.  You have been made to feel ashamed of everything about you- your thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes are all wrong, according to the narcissist.  Even things beyond your control are wrong, such as your eye color or weight.  You know that you are a terrible person, wasting space on this planet, & the world would be better off if you hadn’t been born.

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  It surely does with me.

Dear Reader, today I want to encourage you to tear off that garment of shame!  You deserve so much better than to feel this way!

It’s not your shame that you are carrying anyway!  You are carrying the shame that the narcissist who abuses you feels inside.  Remember, narcissists are extremely insecure people, ashamed of themselves.  That is why they act so confident, constantly trying to impress others- to convince others (& themselves) that they are in fact good, talented & beautiful/handsome.  They don’t want to feel the shame that they feel, so they try to get rid of it in any way possible.  They try to convince everyone of their awesomeness or they project it onto a target, usually someone that they admire or feel is a good person.  This means they try to make someone else feel as bad about themselves as the narcissist feels about herself.

Putting their shame on someone else means that the narcissist doesn’t have to feel it.  The other person feels that shame, carrying it with them constantly.  This also gives the narcissist a feeling of power since she can have such an effect on another person.

Why would you carry that narcissist’s shame for another moment?  You don’t need to!  The shame is NOT yours to carry, so refuse to do it a moment longer!

How do you go about doing this?  One thing that has helped me tremendously is constantly asking God questions.  “Am I bad for liking *fill in the blank*?”  “Am I ugly because of *fill in the blank*?”  “Please tell me the truth, Father- my mother said I am *fill in the blank*.  Is that true?  Am I really so bad?”  Then, I listen for the answer.  Usually it comes as a knowing feeling inside.  Doing this taught me that I’m really not the awful person I was always ashamed of myself for being.  Instead, I was carrying my narcissistic mother’s shame.

I also talked to other daughters of narcissistic mothers & wives of those married to narcissistic men (usually ex wives, by the way).  I learned their experiences were often quite similar to mine with my mother & my ex husband.  It was very eye opening!  So many narcissists use similar tactics!  That helped me to see that it’s abusive people who say such things, not normal people.

Once you realize the truth of what has happened, that you are carrying around your narcissistic mother’s shame, it is very freeing!  You begin to accept yourself & even love yourself.  You also stop taking her cruel words to heart, because you know that is how she feels about herself- it doesn’t mean that it’s true for you.  In fact, it can be educational too, because you learn just what she feels about herself deep down.  This can benefit you by helping you to learn how to deal with your narcissistic mother.

So please, Dear Reader, make a decision today to throw off that garment of shame & never put it back on again!  It’s not yours to wear, so refuse to wear it a moment longer!  xoxo


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

“My” Truth vs. The Truth

Have you ever heard the phrase “my truth”?  I heard it again recently.  That phrase is said to describe what you believe.  Whether it is really true or not, however, is inconsequential.

This phrase is perfect for describing what narcissists believe.  Their truth rarely resembles the real truth.

I think it is used when someone is trying to convince themselves of something that they know is not true, which narcissists love to do frequently.  If they say something is their truth, it implies the thing is true, so it’s OK to believe.  As an example, my mother believes she was a good, loving, caring mother to me.  That is her truth.  She has convinced herself of it.  It’s how she copes with her guilty conscious.  She knows what she did to me was wrong & rather than accept responsibility for it, she reinvents the past & creates her own truth.  She has convinced others of her truth as well.

I know just how frustrating this is when you know the real truth & others insist that lies are the truth.  Never forget- their truth is just that, theirs.  It isn’t yours.  So long as you know what the real truth is, that is what matters.  Don’t let anyone sway you from what you know to be true.  If you have any doubts, ask God to help you to see what the truth really is.  He will do so!

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The Importance Of Realistic Expectations When Dealing With Narcissists

When dealing with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, realistic expectations are extremely important for the sake of your mental health.  They will help you not to be constantly disappointed or hurt.  They also will help you to be prepared for whatever may come, because you understand that this is how the narcissist in your life acts.

For many adult children of narcissistic parents, adjusting their expectations to be realistic is very hard.  It’s hard not to hope that this will be the time things are different, the one time that Mom actually cares about me or doesn’t  insult my husband.  It’s also hard to grasp that normal things- such as treating your child with basic respect- are things that no narcissistic parent wants to do.

If you feel that way about your narcissistic mother, you’re perfectly normal.  However, Dear Reader, I urge you to consider taking care of your mental health, your peace & joy, & lowering your expectations of your narcissistic mother.

Realistic expectations of narcissists are very different than those of other people.  Most people, you are safe in assuming that they will have some level of empathy, think of people other than themselves & not viciously criticize anything they wish to about you.  Not so with narcissists.  Let’s look at some features of a narcissist:

  • They are constantly looking for narcissistic supply- anything that helps boost their self-esteem.
  • They are incredibly entitled- they feel as if they deserve anything they want, even if it means hurting others (yes, even their own family) to get it.
  • They have absolutely no empathy- never will a narcissist genuinely understand or care about your pain.  Never.
  • Narcissists are excellent manipulators- they read people very well to find out their vulnerabilities so they can exploit them for personal gain.
  • Narcissists don’t care how much they hurt you, destroy your self-esteem or even destroy your sanity as long as they get what they want from you.

These few qualities alone mean you cannot deal with any narcissist as you would a normal person if you wish to survive this relationship with your mental health in tact.  Keeping realistic expectations of the narcissist will help you tremendously.

So what are realistic expectations of a narcissist?  Basically, have no expectations.  Never expect to be able to run to your narcissistic mother with your problems without her criticizing or mocking you.  Never expect her to be able to genuinely celebrate your victories either.  She may try to take credit for what you have done, ignore it completely or trivialize it.

What you can expect from most narcissistic mothers-

  • She will criticize everything about you without mercy.  I don’t mean constructive criticism- I mean mocking, insulting, saying cruel things that can bring you to tears.
  • Gaslighting.  Lots & lots of gaslighting & mind games.
  • Conversations will be all about her.  If you try to mention something about yourself, she’ll find a way to bring the conversation back to her.
  • No empathy.  It doesn’t matter if you broke a nail or are getting a divorce- your narcissistic mother will treat any problem you have exactly the same way.  She won’t care.
  • Her trying to destroy any joy you have over something good that has happened to you.
  • Demands or hints rather than requests.  She thinks she deserves your complete obedience.

Of course, each narcissist is a bit different, so I’m sure you can add to this list.

The good thing though is that if you keep in mind that your narcissistic mother is going to do these things, it will help you tremendously.  You won’t be caught off guard by her outrageous behavior.  You also can plan ahead of time how you wish to handle her outrageous behavior.  You  won’t be so hurt because you know it’s coming.

And, if you know what to expect, when your narcissistic mother calls or comes by, you can decide whether or not you can handle her on that particular day before you pick up the phone or answer the door.

Lastly, having these realistic expectations of your narcissistic mother also will help you to remember what kind of person she is, which will help you to remember that she has problems.  You aren’t the terrible person she claims you are!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

The Butterfly Project

Recently I was inspired to create something to help inspire those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  (Well, ok, I stole the idea but with full blessings of the creator of it.  lol)

I started making origami butterflies that I will be glad to give away to anyone wanting one.  The premise behind this is to remind victims of narcissistic abuse that they are like the butterfly- they may have entered a dark lonely place (narcissistic abuse) like a caterpillar entering the chrysalis, then like the butterfly, they emerged beautifully.  Just because they were once stuck in that place didn’t mean that they would stay that way forever.

My hope is that these little butterflies also will help to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse & the serious damage it causes.

For further information & to learn how to get one, please click the link below.

The Butterfly Project

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Illness & Injury In Adult Children Of Narcissists

As many of you know, I got very sick in February.  My fireplace’s flue wasn’t functioning right, which resulted in me getting carbon monoxide poisoning.  At its height, I passed out, hitting my head on the log holder beside the fireplace, passing out for around 20 minutes & getting a concussion.  It’s been a long six months living with all the symptoms, & I’m still getting used to them.

A few days ago, I felt really bad because of it.  Everything on my body ached, especially my head, I was exhausted even though I hadn’t done anything tiring, my moods were all over the place & I kept forgetting things.  Yet in spite of the obvious & annoying symptoms, I wondered if I was faking them!

This baffled me.  I don’t know how to convince myself of the body aches or make myself moody.  Besides, I was home alone- no one knew how I felt.  What would be the point of faking it with no witnesses besides my cats & dog?!  They weren’t going to tell anyone anything.  So why would I think this?  I didn’t even get to ask God before He started showing me some things.  I believe what I learned may help you as well.

God reminded me of many things that I experienced that invalidated any suffering I felt when sick or injured.  There are many more but here are a few examples:

  • When I was 5, my mother woke me up one morning by tickling me.  To get away from her I hit my head on the edge of the bookcase headboard on the bed.  She called the pediatrician who saw me then sent me to the ER.  I ended up with several stitches & had lost a lot of blood.  To this day, my mother says how hard that episode was for her.  She also complains that when she took me to the mall after leaving the ER (WHY?!) I wanted new crayons & I already had so many.  Seriously?  $1.50 on new crayons after that experience shouldn’t have been a big deal.
  • In elementary school, I hurt my foot in gym class, & my mother wrote a note excusing me from gym.  That teacher told me I’d never amount to anything if I refused to participate.  I was a failure, lazy & other cruel things.
  • In fifth grade, I got the chicken pox.  For whatever reason, it lasted 2-3 weeks & I was utterly miserable the entire time.  My mother complained about being “stuck in the house” because of me, so my parents & I went out to dinner while I was sick.  She told me to tell my friends she was taking me to the doctor if anyone saw me in the car as she drove out of the neighborhood.  I never saw a doctor, by the way.  She did get me two presents during that time, which made me think she actually did love me.
  • Towards the end of ninth grade, I hurt my foot.  One weekend several days later, my mother wanted to go window shopping & I said I’d rather wait in the car.  She brags that she knew if I wouldn’t go shopping, I had to be in pain, then she got me to the doctor a couple of days later.   She later complained about how her mother’s day was ruined that year because I was on crutches & my father had hurt his back.
  • During that time on crutches, my class was to visit the local high school to see where we were attending school the following year.  My mother sent me to school that day, even knowing how big that campus was & I was on crutches.  Then while trying to keep up with my classmates, I stopped using the crutches briefly & a classmate made fun of me “faking” it.
  • When I was 19 & my mother threw me into a wall, I had pain for 10 years.  For those 10 years, the only people who believed I was in pain were my chiropractor, my ex husband & later my current husband.  The doctors, others I knew & especially my mother said I was faking the injury to get out of working, I was lazy, & I had a low threshold of pain.
  • In 2010, I lost several furbabies & was under a lot of stress.  I got the flu 3 times, probably from the stress compromising my immune system.  My mother & another person said it was my fault for not getting a flu shot.
  • Last year, as my father was recovering from a stroke, I volunteered to help my parents get things done around their home on Sundays.  Unfortunately, the arthritis in my knees didn’t appreciate it & I had to quit.  I told my mother this & she ignored me.  My father listened & understood.  He mentioned it to my mother who called me & asked if I “really had arthritis like my father claimed.  Had I even seen a doctor about this”  Just one of many times she’s doubted I had something wrong with me.
  • I’ve been insulted for how bad my memory is & how hard a time I have finding the right words sometimes even when the other person knows what causes these problems.  (C-PTSD made these things bad, but the carbon monoxide poisoning & concussion made them much, much worse.)

Incidents like these instilled some false beliefs in me:

  1. My pain or illness wasn’t as bad as other people’s.
  2. My pain or illness didn’t matter, but other people’s did.
  3. I shouldn’t bother anyone with any illness or injury.
  4. I just want attention, so I fake illness or injury in an attempt to get it.  I’m not really sick or hurt.
  5. On the off chance I really was sick or injured, it was all my fault & I’m weak.  I deserve whatever I get.
  6. I don’t deserve to have help while recovering.
  7. If I don’t look sick or have other solid, irrefutable evidence of illness or injury, then nothing is wrong.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I believe, set the stage for me to believe these ridiculous ideas easier than if I’d had a healthy upbringing & had normal self-esteem.
I never realized any of this until a few days ago.  These false beliefs were so deeply ingrained in me that it took me until age 44 & healing from a life threatening situation to understand why I handle things so poorly when I’m sick or injured.  Aside from wondering if I’m faking whatever the problem is, I try to cover it up so nobody knows I have the problem.  I also trivialize it.  For example, when I broke a toe last year, I said, “It’s just a broken toe.  No big deal” even though it was my big toe (which surprisingly sees a lot of activity) & a year later, still hurts often.  I also never used crutches or sought medical care.

Dear Reader, please learn from my mistakes.  If you too have a hard time admitting you’re sick or hurt when you really are, ask God to show you why.  Chances are, you have stories similar to mine.  If so, it’s time to reject those false beliefs that cruel people instilled in you.  You are allowed to have problems, you are allowed to ask people for help in your time of need.  You aren’t weak or looking for attention if you’re sick or injured- you are simply sick or injured!  Your pain is just as bad as other people’s & just as valid as other people’s.  There is nothing to be ashamed of if you get sick or hurt.  It happens to everyone at some point in their lives.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

What’s On The Inside Shows On The Outside

Have you ever read the Oscar Wilde book, “The Picture Of Dorian Gray”?  It’s an incredible story of Dorian Gray, who commissions a painting of himself.  The painting ages while Dorian stays young.  Also, Dorian is known for being an exceptionally handsome young man.  The painting grows ugly as well as old, because all of the evil inside Dorian doesn’t manifest on himself, but on the painting instead.  Every time Dorian does some horrible deed, the painting grows more & more grotesque.

The story is beautifully written & among my favorite books ever.

This book came to mind recently.  This got me to thinking about how what is on the inside shows on the outside.  We aren’t as fortunate as Dorian, having a picture of ourselves age & show the ugliness inside while we stay attractive.  What is in the inside truly shows on the outside.

I remember my maternal grandmother.  Her eyes were stone cold & I think quite unsettling.  Her smile always had a forced look to it.  She was a narcissist & a very cruel person.  Yet, my paternal granddad, who was a kind, loving, giving, Christian man had very warm eyes & an equally warm & easy smile.

I believe knowing that what is on the inside shows on the outside is a good thing.  It can help you to figure out who is a good person & who isn’t.  Words aren’t always a good indicator of what someone is like, because people can (& do) lie.  Actions can be done out of obligation, desire to make a good impression or other selfish motives.  Body language & facial expressions are a very good indicator, I think the best, of a person’s heart.

I look for people with a very easy, ready smile.  Fake smiles are a big red flag with me.  A smile that looks like the person smiling is in physical pain or hates to smile always tell me something is amiss with them.  (Granted, we all have off days & smiling isn’t easy, but that is not usually the norm.)

If someone’s eyes are so cold that you have trouble making eye contact, that is another good indicator something is wrong.  Have you ever noticed the eyes of a serial killer?  Check it out sometime.  John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer & The Green River Killer (his real name escapes me at the moment) all had very dead eyes.  Their eyes creep me out!  People with a little sparkle in their eyes & who gladly make eye contact are who I want around.  Those people tend to be kind & honest, which are two very important qualities.

I know this post is very different than my usual ones, but I hope it helps you anyway.  :)

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Should Narcissistic Parents Reap What They Sow?

Galatians 6:7 “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Have you ever thought about how this Scripture applies to your narcissistic parents?

It seems to me that many adult children of narcissistic parents try to interrupt this natural event.  Many refuse to discuss the abuse they endured when they should be more concerned about the damage done to them than their parents’ reputations.  Others spend their entire lives trying to please the unpleasable narcissistic parent instead of setting healthy boundaries & ignoring the personal costs to themselves.  Still others will move their elderly narcissistic parent into their home, allow her to upset every member of the household & face no consequences for her actions.

Narcissistic parents train their children very well in many ways, but possibly the most impressive area is when they train them to take care of their parents at any & all costs.  No sacrifice is too big for many children of narcissistic parents. even though the parent acts as if no sacrifice is big enough.

This is not good!  People learn from reaping what they sow, which is why God wants us to reap what we sow.  And yes, even narcissists can learn from consequences.  They need to have consequences if there is to be any hope of them changing.  Giving them consequences is also good for you, because it breaks the unhealthy, dysfunctional patterns you have lived in for so long.

I know it can be hard to unlearn the lifetime of training you received from your narcissistic parent, but it can be done.  First & foremost, ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you what you need to do & how to do it & for the courage to do this.

When situations arise, remind yourself of the truth.  For example, the truth is that it’s not your job to protect your narcissistic mother’s reputation!  If someone asks you something about your mother & the truth isn’t necessarily pretty, tell the truth.  I’m not saying be disrespectful, bashing her, or calling her names of course, but you can tell the truth in a matter of fact way, even if the truth isn’t pretty.

Another situation could be when your narcissistic mother is elderly & in need of care.  The truth is it is up to you whether or not you are her caregiver.  Many adult children of narcissists don’t help their elderly parents & have peace about their decision while others feel the same peace about caring for them full or part time.  It is a very individual choice that only you can make.  (If you opt not to do hands on care, though, I would recommend helping them to find proper help. There are many great resources out there that can offer help through your local Department of Aging.)

Also, I have noticed that feelings are no exception to this rule of reaping what you sow.  My feelings have dwindled greatly for my parents after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse.  I used to beat myself up for this, telling myself I was a terrible person & a terrible daughter.  During prayer one day though, God told me they are reaping what they have sown, & I’m not a terrible person.  They haven’t sown many good, loving seeds with me so they are reaping a harvest of indifference in some ways from me.  It  is completely normal to feel the way I do.  If you feel the same, please know that you are normal!

Dear Reader, I urge you to let your narcissistic parents reap what they sow.  They won’t like it, but if God allows certain things to happen to them, it must be for a reason.   Let Him allow what He knows is best to happen.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Caregiving, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Free To Be You

I have learned that something rather magical happens to many folks when they hit 40.  Suddenly they no longer have the patience for abusive people & will confront them on their behavior.  They become more outspoken without being hurtful, & more free with their praise.  They begin to practice self-care for the first time.  They are more compassionate & caring, because they have seen & been through some pretty rough things.  They finally are freer as well.  Free to be themselves, & free to do as they like without caring about the criticisms & judgments of others.

It’s a wonderful thing!!

If you aren’t 40 yet or if you passed 40 without experiencing this, don’t think you need to be 40 to experience this.  It’s never too early or too late to improve yourself!  Ask God to help  you change however you need or want to.  He will do so gladly.  He wants you to be happy & if changing will help you accomplish that, He will be glad to help you.

Also think about some things & ask yourself questions.  You don’t really need to worry about what other people think of you, so why does it matter to you what others think?  Are you putting others before yourself constantly?  Why?  If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, I’m sure you believe (as I still battle with sometimes) that everyone else is more important & you don’t deserve to do good things for yourself.  That is a lie!  You DO deserve to do good things for yourself & take care of yourself.  In fact, if you want to help others so much, you need to take care of yourself.  If you don’t, you won’t have the physical or mental strength to help other people.

Do some soul searching.  Ask yourself the tough questions like the ones in the previous paragraph & honestly answer them.  You may surprise yourself.  You also will become aware of some  changes you need to make to help yourself live a happier life.

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Stop Expecting Perfection From Yourself

I think all adult children of narcissists do is we expect perfection from ourselves, especially where our narcissistic mothers are concerned.

Once we learn about NPD, we become more aware of our narcissistic mother’s tactics.  We seem to think once we are more aware, we should never fall for her tactics again, we shouldn’t slip up or go along with her games.  Now, we know better & that will not happen ever again!

If only!

While that sounds good in theory, there are going to be times we slip up.  We’re only human after all, & we’ll make mistakes.

I’m not immune to this either.  I wish I was.

The last time my parents visited, I tried to distract my mother from some nastiness by showing her a tote I just crocheted.  I created the pattern myself & thought it turned out pretty.  So have others who have seen it. Plus, she loves crocheting- she’d just mentioned it a moment before, which is why I thought of my bag.  All she could say when she saw it was to ask what it’s for.  I said for shopping.  Then she said “I’ve seen women using purses that size- they’re going to regret it when their backs hurt later in life!”  I mentally kicked myself at this point.  How could I be so stupid?!  I designed it & it turned out well- of course she would have something nasty to say & to distract from my project!  I don’t think she’s ever created a pattern, I’ve created several- it’s natural for her as a narcissist to trash what I’ve done.

This happens all too often, & also too often, I beat myself up for failing.  I write about narcissism- I should know better!  People want to read what my experiences are & how I handle things, & it’s embarrassing to admit how often I screw up.  People expect better out of me because of what I write about.  How can they look to me for answers when I make so many mistakes??

I realized a few things though, & I pray sharing them with you will help you to stop beating yourself up like it is helping me.

Learning about narcissism is a fantastic thing.  It really can help you to become aware of what is truly abusive behavior & even ways to avoid it.  The fact is though, that learning about it isn’t a cure all.  If you still have a relationship with your narcissistic mother, there still will be times she hurts you or manipulates or controls you.  Thankfully those times will be less, but they still will happen occasionally.  When they do, you need to NOT beat yourself up over it!

Dealing with a narcissist is never an easy thing.  They are masters of gaslighting.  They are also masters of reading people & abuse.  If they realize one abusive tactic isn’t working, they’ll simply pull another out of their bottomless bag of evil tricks.  There is no end to the evil things they can do.  How can you expect to handle them perfectly when many times, they surprise you with their outrageous & hurtful actions?  Besides, your narcissistic mother has had your entire life to train you to behave as she wants.  You’ve only known about NPD a comparatively short while.  How can your brief time of knowledge compete with a lifetime of training?

You are NOT perfect!  If you were, you wouldn’t need Jesus.  Accept the fact you are going to make mistakes sometimes, even where your mother is concerned.  It’s ok! If you’re having trouble with this, ask God to help you.  He will help you to stop being so hard on yourself.

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If You Don’t Think Narcissistic Abuse Is So Bad, Then Read This

There are so many people who think growing up abused by a narcissistic parent isn’t a big deal, we need to get over it, stop wallowing in the past & feeling sorry for ourselves.  Today’s post is for them.

And, Dear Reader, if this post doesn’t describe you, feel free to show this to those in your life it describes if you think it will help them to understand just how destructive & evil it is.

Below are some of the problems that narcissistic abuse can cause.  If you have not been the victim of narcissistic abuse, I hope you thank God at the end of this list that you don’t have to live with these problems.  I live with every single one, & it is extremely hard.

Constant self doubt.  Narcissists are experts at gaslighting (distorting reality) which leads victims to doubt themselves constantly.  Narcissists state what they say as if it was the gospel truth, & when a person hears something, especially something said so confidently, over & over, they tend to believe it.  Even if it is something they can see clearly & plenty of evidence points to what they see is right, they learn to doubt their perception of reality & believe the narcissist.  Even once away from the narcissist, they tend to believe other people over themselves due to not trusting their own perceptions & feelings.

— Low self-esteem.  Since insecurity is at the root of narcissism, narcissists love to make others feel as badly about themselves as they do.  No matter how beautiful, talented, compassionate or intelligent you are, by the time a narcissist is done with you, you’ll be convinced you are the ugliest, most selfish, useless & stupid person ever to live.  Any shred of self-esteem is destroyed, & done so in such as way as not to be obvious.  Narcissists rarely tell you outright you’re stupid, for example.  Instead they prefer to imply it. ( “A smart person would’ve known that!”)  That way, if you confront them, they can reply with something like, “I never said you were stupid!”
“I don’t know where you get these ideas of yours.” ” You’re reading into things!” or something similar.  Gaslighting at its finest…

Anger.  It’s only natural that after living through narcissistic abuse, you’ll be angry.  It’s unfair, destructive & hurtful.  Then those who you tell often invalidate your pain or don’t believe you, because they are fooled by the narcissist’s “good guy” act.  Anger is very normal under the circumstances.

— Self destructive or self harming behaviors.   Many people who survive abuse do things that are self-destructive.  They can make poor choices such as choosing abusive romantic partners, or they can engage in binge eating or cutting.

— Dissociation.  Dissociation is a survival skill that many people use to get through traumatic events.  Women who were raped often describe it as feeling as if they left their body while the attack was happening.  When you are abused, you often dissociate.  I thought I was just day dreaming all my life, but I later learned I’ve been dissociating all this time.  Sometimes I just get lost in my own mind & emotionally pull away from those around me.  It often happens during traumatic situations, but sometimes it does not.  It just happens out of the blue.

— Depression.  Depression is very common as well.  It’s hard to be happy when you feel like an utter failure, when you are certain everything you do/feel/think is wrong & when all you hear about is your faults.  Sometimes, the depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts.  Yes, it really can be that bad.  I spent much of my life suicidal as a result of narcissistic abuse.

— Guilt.  Even knowing a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are still times that I feel guilty for disappointing my narcissistic mother.  She is obviously disappointed I’m an author, she hates my house, car & that I haven’t “given her grandchildren”, & is even embarrassed by the fact I don’t speak to my in-laws (narcissistic mother in-law- I can’t deal with her verbal abuse).  In spite of the fact I know these things are all right for me, occasionally, I feel guilty for disappointing my mother.  This is typical.  Children raised by narcissists feel responsible for everything, & that includes the happiness of their narcissistic mother.  If they disappoint her, not only do they face her rage, but also the guilt for “failing”.  Unfortunately this means they carry the guilt into their adult lives, so even when they know better, sometimes they still can feel guilty when they shouldn’t.

— Attracting abusive people.  Once you have been abused, it seems like other abusers seek you out.  Being beaten down so badly by a narcissist is no exception.  Other narcissists will see you as a potential victim.  Thankfully, the more you heal, the less this happens, but it still happens periodically even when you have been focused on your healing for a long time.  You end up being on your guard when meeting new people or else you fall back into old, dysfunctional habits.

— Aches, pains & illnesses.  Have you ever noticed that most narcissists are quite healthy, yet their victims are often sick?  I believe this is because of stress.  Narcissists rarely feel stressed, as they put everything unpleasant on others.  Their victims, however, are under constant stress because they must appease the narcissist & anticipate her needs 24/7 at any personal cost or else face her volatile  rage.  Ongoing extreme stress causes a multitude of health problems such as high blood pressure, heart or kidney disease or even diabetes.  And, depression can cause aches & pains with no physical cause.

— C-PTSD.  Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very common among victims of narcissistic abuse.  The ongoing, constant trauma of gaslighting, verbal abuse & the rest of the evil that is narcissistic abuse can cause physical changes in the brain which results in C-PTSD.  Basically, this means your body is in a constant state of fear.  Pete Walker, author of “Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving” states that we have a fear reflex of fight, flight, freeze or faun.  Living in a constant state of fear means you will have one of those responses, like it or not, when fear is triggered.  For example, when my mother tries to control me as she did when I was a child, my natural reaction is faun- I do as she says & ignore my own anger at this unfair treatment.  It takes conscious effort on my part not to behave this way.  Plus, C-PTSD includes extreme anxiety, depression, flashbacks, damaged short term memory, sleep problems, nightmares & hyper-vigilance (an extreme awareness of your surroundings & potential danger).  I have had C-PTSD since 2012, & frankly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Living with the symptoms every day is sheer torture.

I would hope after reading this that your eyes are now opened to the truth about narcissistic abuse.  It *is* a big deal.  It *does* change your life.  It has nothing to do with not getting over things or self-pity.   The symptoms are a normal result to very abnormal circumstances.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissism

How Functional Are Your Relationships?

Twenty-five years ago today, on August 23, 1990, I met a man that I dated briefly.  We were together for exactly 3 months when I broke up with him.  The brief time together was life altering for me & not necessarily in a good way.

I was 19, & he was 28.  He had a lovely old house on the water & a good job.  He said he was close to his family, even though they lived far apart.  He had a way about him that gave the impression he had it all together.  Since I’d just moved out of my parents house only months before, I was hungry for stability.  I figured he was a good, stable man & I’d be happy with him.  After all, my friend said she thought so.  I didn’t trust my own instincts that said I should run, & instead listened to her.

I’m not saying he was a bad man, but he had some problems.  He was extremely jealous, which was a problem since I worked with mostly men.  He treated me as if I was stupid & he was much older & wiser, which really got on my nerves.  He was extremely controlling as well.  In fact, so much so, we ended up engaged because he said I would marry him.  No romantic proposal, no ring- just a command.  After 3 months, I was tired.  I’d have enough control games from my mother, so I decided no more.  I broke up with him on November 23, 1990.  He screamed at me for hours, telling me how much I’d regret it, he was a good guy, I was ruining his life, I made a big mistake, etc.  I even thought he was going to hit me once but my cat Magic put a stop to it by scratching him while his dog got between us.  That event left me feeling incredibly guilty for many years.  Every August 23, I would beat myself up for ruining Mike’s life.

Then in January of 2014, I read on my county police facebook page that this man was dead.  He shot his gay lover then himself.  I also saw in that same article that he had a felony weapons charge from the week before his death.  His mug shot was on the article, & obviously the years since I’d left him had been very hard on him.  He looked very different- much harder & older.  So much so that I didn’t even recognize him.

It really shook me up.  It took me months before this information sank in.  I lost the guilt & got very angry at myself for not knowing what Mike was really like. I also got angry at him for treating me like I was the only one with problems when clearly he had plenty of issues himself.   I was always wrong.  I was crazy.  At least according to him.

Since, I have come to accept what happened & am no longer angry with him.  I now appreciate the few good things that came from that brief relationship, such as him getting me into classic rock, especially the Eagles & Styx.  I also was able to adopt Magic because of him, & he even named him.  He also was the first person to truly grasp how cruelly my mother treated me.  We had my parents to dinner one night & my mother was insulting me at every turn.  Mike was truly upset by her behavior, & apologized to me for doubting when I said she was abusive.

I realized though, that this man wasn’t the only person in my life who was like this,  however.  I think it must happen with many adult children of narcissists.  I think we attract dysfunctional people who try to put their dysfunction on us.

My ex husband always said I was wrong.  Every argument was my fault.  If he got mad at me & punched walls, I made him do it.  I was unreasonable for wanting for him to stop running up credit card debt or depending on his mother to bail him out financially.

The friend who thought I should go out with the man I mentioned?  She was in control of our relationship.  Period.  She would not hesitate to guilt trip me if I didn’t do what she wanted.

I had another friend while married to my ex who talked to me as if I was dumb as a box of hair.  Always wanted favors from me too, & rarely did anything in return.  She once chewed me out for not calling her back in a timely manner, even though I didn’t get the message until hours after she called.

I would like to encourage you, Dear Reader, to do something I didn’t do when I was in these dysfunctional relationships.  Look at the people in your life, especially the critical & needy ones.  How do they treat you?  Do they blame you for everything?  Are you always the problem?  Are you supposed to do for them while they don’t need to be there for you?  Answer such questions honestly.  You may realize that you need to end some toxic relationships.  If you realize you need to do this, ask God for help.  Ask Him to give you the strength you need to end the relationships & the wisdom on how to best handle the situation.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

About Control Tactics Of Narcissists

I realized something interesting during a recent visit with my parents that I thought I should share with you, Dear Readers.

My mother has become increasingly controlling lately.  My father wanted to visit me alone recently, & she told him & I both that “his days of doing that are over.”  She comes along, period.  My father has some serious health problems & was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, so you might think this is a caring gesture on her part, not to let him drive or be out alone.  However- he goes to his doctor appointments alone, because she claims he won’t let her go with him.  So obviously, this is about control, not concern for his well being.

As she has seen her tactics working with him, she is attempting to be more controlling of me as well.  They day my parents came by my home, she started showing this before they left their house.  She called on their way out to tell me I needed to be waiting outside for her so we could go to lunch.  I needed to watch for her car to drive past then go outside (from their place, you have to drive past my house, go to the next traffic light & make a U turn then drive about 1/4 of a mile to get to me).  I listened to her give me my orders & promptly ignored them.  I’m 44 years old- too old to be bossed around by my mother!  While they were at my house later, she tried little things to let me know she was in charge.  For example, I always sit on my love seat, usually alone or with a couple of cats around me.  She insisted on sitting beside me, crowding me a bit.  She is very fond of stealing my seat- I think it gives her a feeling of power, like if she sits there, it means she’s now in charge in my home.

By the time they left, I was livid.  Livid how she treats my father then complains to me how she doesn’t understand why he thinks she’s “bossy” (Seriously?!).  Livid she thought it was acceptable to treat me more like the hired help than her daughter.  And to be honest, still angry that I can’t tell her about my own health problems I’ve had for six months & expect any empathy or understanding.

Later when speaking with my husband about the visit, I had a thought.  Since my father is now even more under her control, I think it has given her a tremendous amount of confidence, & she thinks she can control me as well.  She fails to realize just because he is weaker now doesn’t mean I am as well.  Looking back over my life, it seems like when she increased her control over one of us, the other one had to suffer with more control as well.  I wish I’d realized this sooner!  I would have been more prepared for her control games on her last visit if I had.  Instead, I was taken by surprise.

I don’t know for sure if other overt narcissists are this way or not, but I would guess some are since so many narcissists use very similar means of abuse.

Pay attention to your narcissistic mother, Dear Reader!  If she is able to control your father (or a sibling or a friend or anyone) more lately, you may be next in line.  Remember to keep & strictly enforce your boundaries!  Don’t give her an inch no matter what, or she’ll take a mile (or ten…).  Protect yourself & never let her control anything about you.  You do not need to be controlled by anyone!

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On “Allowing” Narcissists To Abuse You

Have you ever heard that you allowed someone to abuse you, that you gave that person your power or some similar statement that blames you for being abused?

I don’t understand why people feel the need to say such invalidating, cruel things!

While yes, you can stop some abusive actions, you can’t stop them all, especially when it comes to narcissistic abuse.  It is an exceptionally complex type of abuse.

Narcissists tear down their victims, & often make them believe they are getting what they deserve or the narcissist is doing what she does for the victim’s benefit.  Growing up with my narcissistic mother, she had me convinced that she was a good mother, always doing what was best for me.  When her abuse hit its peak when I was 17, she said she was “exercising tough love on me in order to save me from myself.”  I fought back verbally, protected myself from her physical attacks, told her she was hurting me, & more but nothing improved.  In fact, things got worse.   It was much the same with my ex husband.  The worse our marriage got, the more I tried to please him or stop him from being so hurtful, & the worse things got.  He became meaner & more degrading.

How can anyone think I allowed this, that I gave these people power over me?

Dear Reader, I’m sure your situation is much like mine.  You have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, & certainly not by choice.  Maybe you grew up with a narcissistic parent (or 2) or have been married to a narcissistic spouse & unable to afford to move out.  You probably even tried to please your abuser but nothing helped.

These situations are terrible, but not because you did something wrong.  They are terrible because the actions of narcissistic people are terrible, period.  Never let someone make you feel as if you are to blame for being the victim of a narcissist.  You did nothing to deserve it, it is not your fault for making the narcissist abuse you & no one can stop them  from abusing.  (Setting boundaries & enforcing them definitely helps a great deal, but it won’t stop them entirely.)  Narcissists abuse because it makes them feel better about themselves, providing that narcissistic supply, not because it has something to do with the victim or what the victim does.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Anger In Adult Children Of Narcissistic Parents

Anger is a very normal part of life, yet also a difficult thing for many adult children of narcissistic parents.  Growing up, we were not allowed to express emotions, good or bad, but it often seems as if anger is the one that receives the most ridicule if we express it.  As I’ve said before, my mother always accused me of having that “Bailey temper” as she calls it.  She said that her family doesn’t get mad like my father’s family does.  Which seems to be true- from what I’ve seen, they just stuff that anger inside & pretend it’s not there.  Yea, that’s healthy…. lol

If you too were raised by a narcissistic mother, I’m sure you heard some similar shaming comments if you showed any anger as well.

The fact is though that anger is going to happen.  As you heal from narcissistic abuse, it is definitely going to come up.  As your self-esteem improves, you finally realize you didn’t deserve the terrible things that were done to you, & it makes you angry.  You realize too that it wasn’t your fault you were abused, which also makes you angry.

Holding anger inside at this point becomes very difficult & even impossible.  That is actually a good thing because it is detrimental to your physical & emotional health.  It can cause anxiety & depression.  It can cause high blood pressure, kidney, heart & digestive problems.  Even knowing such things, it can be hard for the adult child of a narcissistic parent to find healthy ways to release anger.  At first, it can be downright terrifying.  She may feel that if she lets a little anger out, she’ll end up losing control of it all & hurting herself & others.  She also may feel that if she lets it out, she’ll never stop being angry.

Dear Reader, these are simply not the case at all!  Anger is a powerful emotion that needs to be heard.  It demands to be heard in fact.  Even so, there are healthy ways to deal with it.

Some people recommend the chair method.  This involves standing in front of a chair, pretending the person who hurt or abused you is in that chair, & telling them everything you feel inside about them & their actions.

Some people beat up pillows.  It’s a good physical release, & you can’t hurt a pillow no matter how hard you beat it.

Others swear by writing letters they never send.  I have done this with a great deal of success.  I let it all out in the letters, then usually I burn them.  I found something very therapeutic about watching the letters burn.  It’s like my anger went up in the smoke.  I also kept a couple of them, which helps to keep me remember why things are the way they are.  Reading over my letter helps me if I feel weak & wanting to fix things with my mother.  It helps remind me that I can’t do all the work- fixing a relationship takes 2 people.

Journaling is akin to writing the letters.  No one is going to read what you write, so what better way to let it all out?  Although I love the feel & look of a pretty paper journal, for privacy sake, I use an online, password protected one.  I am certain no one would be able to read it, so when I need to get anger out, I let it all go in the journal.

Perhaps the most effective way I’ve found to deal with anger though is by talking to God about it.  He is such a wonderful Father.  He listens without judgment or criticism & offers you comfort.  He also helps you to purge all of that anger from you, so you no longer stuff it deep inside.

The next time you feel anger, I encourage you to try one or more of the suggestions above.  They really will help you tremendously.  You’ll feel so much better once the anger is out from inside you.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Children- The Possession Of The Narcissistic Parents

To most parents, children are thought of as a blessing.  The parents watch with fascination as their baby grows into a young woman with her own likes, dislikes, talents, beliefs, feelings & calling in her life.  It is a blessing to them when she grows up & leaves home, as difficult as that may be for them at first.  Even though it can be hard, they embrace this new direction their life as a parent is going & enjoy it.

This is not the case with a narcissistic parent.  Not even close.

Narcissistic parents view their children as possessions.  Possessions to be used however the narcissistic parent sees fit.  Many narcissistic mothers tell their child what & when to eat, what courses to take in school, what career to get into once she’s out of school… this leads to a child who is very insecure.  How can she think for herself if she was not even allowed to decide whether or not she’s hungry?  How can she get to know what she wants if she isn’t even able to choose what courses to take in school?

As this child grows up, she feels unable to make decisions.  It’s not like she ever had practice at it growing up like most kids get.  I have been the same way, & it can be frustrating!  Mostly I have gotten over this but still there are times I simply cannot make a decision, even about something silly like what I want for dinner.

This takes time to conquer.  It takes time to heal & to get to know yourself too, which are the things that will help you in this area.  Even so, don’t give up!  Just keep on, keepin’ on.  You can heal from this!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism