Narcissists & Consequences

So many victims of narcissistic abuse wonder why the narcissist seems to stroll happily through life without consequences for their actions while their victims are left to suffer alone or are even blamed for what was done to them.  It’s so unfair!

 

This came to mind recently.  I had a flashback.  When thinking about it later, my mind wandered to when I was 19, my mother threw me into a wall & hurt my back.  She has not had any consequences for her actions in the 26 years since that happened.  My father said he tried talking to her about it not long after it happened, & she just said “Are you ever going to let that go?”  He dropped the subject.  I never said anything to her- I was too afraid of it happening again, or her doing something worse. Also why I never called the police, even though now I wish I would have.  My ex husband (who I was with at the time) also never did anything aside from tell me how hard it was on him, what she had done.

 

In fact, I think my father blames me for what happened that night.  A year or two ago, for whatever odd reason, he mentioned that incident & told me I didn’t need to apologize for busting up the wall- he was able to repair it.  Excuse me?  The wall was busted up because my mother threw me into it, so no, I have no plans on apologizing for that.

 

Sadly, I think this is pretty typical.  I can’t think of one victim I’ve spoken with who doesn’t have a similar story.  And like me, they are baffled that the narcissist who abused them received no consequences for their actions.  They’re also angry, which is certainly understandable.  It’s extremely unfair!  We’re the ones who suffered because of them, & they don’t get so much as a scolding for what they’ve done!

 

I really am not sure why this happens.  Maybe it’s because people are afraid of the narcissists.  If you don’t know much about NPD or have limited experience with a narcissist, the overt narcissist can be very intimidating.  Their rages can be terrifying.  Or, if the narcissist in question is a covert narcissist, maybe people are afraid of hurting them.  Covert narcissists love to play the innocent victim.  (They can make their victim apologize to them- they are that convincing).  They make the person confronting them feel guilty, even ashamed, & certainly no one wants to feel that way!

 

Some who know a little about narcissism believe that NPD is something beyond control.  They believe the term “disorder” means that the narcissist cannot control her actions at all, when the rest of us know absolutely she can & does on a regular basis.

 

Or, maybe it’s because victims are the sane, rational ones, & other people think the sane, rational one should “be the bigger person” in the relationship, the one to forgive & forget, & the one to ignore the narcissist’s “flaws”.

 

Whatever the reason, I know it’s incredibly frustrating that people don’t allow the narcissist any consequences for the abuse she dishes out.  Just once, wouldn’t it be amazing to see her get told off for how horribly she treats other people?   Maybe not the most good Christian attitude, but in all honesty, what victim of a narcissist hasn’t felt that way at some point?  I sure have!

 

So instead of waiting on others, why not give the narcissist consequences yourself?  I’m not saying go cuss her out.  If you’re a Christian, act like it!  But, there are ways to give a narcissist the deserved consequences without being vengeful.

 

Boundaries.  Have & be willing to enforce good, healthy boundaries.  You have every right to tell her no, you won’t tolerate that or do that.  Let her figure out how to do something herself or have something done if it’s something you don’t feel you should do or if it goes against your morals.  Or, for example, if you’re with your narcissistic mother & have had enough, tell her you’re going home (or need to hang up the phone).  If your narcissistic mother is like mine, she expects you to deal with her until she’s tired of you & dismisses you.  It will irk her to no end if you end the visit or call first, but it is entirely your right to do so!  She doesn’t need to get her way all the time & you need to take care of your physical & mental health.

 

Don’t allow her to order you around.  My mother is a big one for barking out orders, rather than saying something like “Would you please get that for me?”  Instead, it’s “Hand me that.”  A few months ago, I noticed this.  (Sadly, it took my entire life to notice it..)  I decided to change how I reacted to her orders.  Rather than blindly obeying, I do a couple of things.  Sometimes I tell her “In a minute” or “Ok, later” instead of interrupting what I was doing.  Other times, I do as she wanted & say “Since you asked so nicely, here is the item you wanted.  You’re welcome.”  This annoys my mother, but she has started to say “please” sometimes.  It’s a little thing, but it means a lot to me to be treated with simple respect rather than being treated like the hired help.

 

My mother also employs a very common coping skill, especially with narcissists.  She reinvents the past.  According to her, she was quite the impressive mother.  Many other victims I’ve spoken with go through this with their narcissistic mother, too.  Rather than validating her delusions, you have the right to tell her that isn’t what happened & tell her the truth.  In all honesty, I don’t do this with my mother because I see a tremendous amount of guilt in her for how she’s treated me.  I don’t think she could handle me telling her the facts & shattering her delusion.  Even so, I refuse to validate her stories.  “I don’t remember it that way” or “I don’t remember that happening at all” work for me.  She then changes the subject before I can say what the truth was.  It’s not a perfect solution but it works for us.  She can still use that coping mechanism (as dysfunctional as it is) without me validating it.  It’s her right to use it, after all.  It’s also my right to refuse to condone it.

 

Narcissists may not always get the consequences they deserve, but they do need some nonetheless.  Consequences teach us how to treat other people, & frankly, who needs to learn how to treat people if not a narcissist?  Consequences may not make them treat you like a non-narcissist would, but they most likely will improve the way they treat you in some ways.  They also will gain a little respect for you for not allowing them to push you around so much anymore.  Not that they’ll admit that, of course, but it still happens.

 

 

 

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Sale On My Books- 20% Off & Free Shipping

My publisher is having another sale!  Use code APRSHIP20 at checkout to receive 20% all print books & free mail shipping until May 1.

 

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Getting Things Out

There are times I can look at intrusive thoughts objectively, & be glad they basically force me to deal with painful things.  Unfortunately though, most times, I get highly annoyed.

 

Today has been one of those days.

 

I was changing my cats’ litter boxes this morning (the glamorous life of an author- don’t be too jealous..lol) when for no obvious reason, something came to mind.

 

A few years ago, I shared a picture of something I liked on facebook.  I said I thought the item was pretty.  That’s all.  I assumed it was done other than possibly a couple of friends might enjoy seeing it as well, which is why I shared it.  I was wrong.  Two people I knew & was close to jumped on me viciously, as if me liking something different than they liked made me a terrible person.

 

As I was trying to ignore this obnoxious memory because I simply didn’t want to remember it, I remembered other similar times  from these same people.  They were extremely snarky & critical about many things with me.  So much so in fact that the love I once felt for them eventually vanished & was replaced with indifference.   It’s hurtful, remembering such things from people I once cared a great deal about.

 

I was thinking about these things earlier & suddenly realized how I was coping with them.  While I was alone & changing the cat litter, I was talking out loud, as if I was talking to the people who hurt me.  I asked what gave them the right to talk to me this way?  Why do they think it’s ok to talk so badly to me, especially when they are so nice to other people?  I said it’s pure crap- they have zero right to treat me so cruelly.  I don’t deserve this!  I have treated them with nothing but love & respect & it’s completely unfair to do this to me.  What difference does it make if I like something they don’t?!  Will the world fall apart?!  No.  It doesn’t matter, even if my taste was terrible.  It simply doesn’t matter.  I’m not hurting anyone!

 

Suddenly I realized something… this is how I’ve always dealt with painful, even abusive incidents.  I think it must be something God put in me, even before I believed in His existence.

 

Growing up, not only was I an only child, but my mother kept me abnormally close.  I wasn’t allowed to get close to anyone else, so I had no friends or family that I could talk to.  It was an unspoken rule not to tell anyone anything that happened in my parents’ home.  Once I was in my teens & my mother’s abuse was at its peak, I was screamed at if my mother even simply suspected I was “airing our dirty laundry” by telling others about her abuse.

 

I obviously had to learn ways to cope with my pain alone.  It was my only choice to survive the abuse with any semblance of sanity in tact.  And somehow this way to cope came to me when I was very young.  I only can credit God with this coping skill, even though (I’m loathe to admit this) I didn’t believe in His existence at the time.
The reason I’m telling you this today, Dear Reader, is that this coping skill may be helpful for you too.  Whether you talk out loud as I did earlier, you write in a private journal, or you write letters you never send, it’s helpful to get out the pain you feel inside.  Carrying around hurt & anger is unhealthy, physically & mentally.  You deserve so much better than that!  Get your pain OUT!!  Continuing to carry it around does you absolutely no good but only does you harm.

 

Whether you are hurt or deal with painful intrusive memories, then please, deal with it in whatever way helps you the most.  I know it’s hard, but it’s also necessary.  The more you deal with your pain, the less of a hold it has on you, & the happier & healthier you will be.

 

After this morning’s intrusive memories, I admit it, I’m very tired.  Emotional work is so draining.  However, I’m glad it happened.  I was able to get out a lot of hurt & anger.  There is still some more to deal with, but even so, there is much less than there was!  That is a big step in the right direction.  What worked for me may work for you as well!  Isn’t it worth a try?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Feeling Ashamed Of Being A Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is often a very shameful  feeling.  If the narcissist was our parent, we are often ashamed of the fact that our parent didn’t love us & that our childhood was so different than other kids’.  If it was a spouse, that too is embarrassing because we feel stupid- how could we not know how bad a person he was?  How could we be so stupid, we ask ourselves.

While feeling this way is understandable, that doesn’t mean it is right.

As the victim, you had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  You are innocent.  What was done to you was done because of someone else’s dysfunction, not because of anything you did.  Damage was done to that person long before you came along.  Nothing you did could have made that person do what was done to you.

As you are healing, rather than hiding your problems, why not discuss them?  Be open with safe people as you feel able to discuss things.  Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of.  You are damaged because someone deliberately hurt you.  Would you be ashamed of yourself for having a broken leg if someone hit your leg with a tire iron?  Then why be ashamed of having C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc. after surviving narcissistic abuse?  You reacted normally to a very abnormal situation.

Talking about what you have experienced helps you & it also helps others.  It puts a face to narcissistic abuse.  It shows that the victims aren’t crazy, drama queens (or kings), or overreacting like so many people think.  It also shows that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone, no matter how intelligent or how strong they are.

I’m not saying it’s necessary to talk non stop about narcissistic abuse.  That isn’t good for anyone to focus constantly on something so negative.  I’m saying though to be more balanced.  There is nothing for you to be ashamed of.  You have nothing to hide.  Don’t carry the shame of what was done to you for another day.  That shame belongs on your abuser’s shoulders, not yours.  Let him or her carry the shame & refuse to carry it any longer!

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Do People Think You Need To Do All Of The Work In Relationships?

I’ve noticed a common thread among those who have been through narcissistic abuse.  We’re the ones people seem to think need to put all of the work & make all of the concessions in relationships.

 

So many others I’ve spoken to who have been raised by at least one narcissistic parent have heard the same things by at least a few people: “You need to fix things with your mother (or father or both)!”  “She (or he or they) won’t be around forever!  You need to make things right with your mother (or father or parents)!”  “You should see a counselor.  Maybe he could help you figure out what you’re doing wrong”

 

I’ve heard those things & more myself:

  • When my first marriage was falling apart, I was told I needed to make it work or I needed to change to fix things.
  • When having problems with my in-laws, some people said I needed to make changes so we got along better.  Be the bigger person & forgive & forget, etc., don’t take the constant insults personally, & (this may be my personal least favorite one) if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t bother me my mother in-law snooped through my purse at every opportunity.
  • I mentioned to someone that my husband watches some sports, & when he does, I go into another room, find something else to do or go out.  Her response was to scold me, telling me I needed to start watching sports with him in spite of my lifelong intense hatred of sports other than Nascar, drag racing & demolition derbies.  Interestingly, she never told my husband he needs to learn to do things I enjoy, like crocheting.  I was the one who was supposed to change, according to this person.  (Just FYI- although I hate sports, I did start watching Nascar races because my husband was into it, & it turns out I enjoyed it.  I’m all for trying something new for the sake of your spouse.)
  • When in marriage counseling, we were having money problems.  The counselor told me what I needed to do to earn extra money.  No suggestions were given to my husband, even though at the time, he was the one in charge of our finances.

 

Do these scenarios sound familiar to you?  If so, doesn’t this get under your skin?!  It sure does me!

 

I’ve wondered why this happens to so many of us.  So many people behave exactly the same way!  So what’s behind it?  I have some theories…

 

Relating to our narcissistic parents only, some people are truly blessed with great parents.  In fact, they can’t even fathom a parent who would mistreat, let alone abuse a child.  Narcissistic abuse can be hard to wrap your mind around- I still have trouble with it sometimes & I lived it!  Maybe these people have an even harder time doing so because they came from such a loving home.

 

People who know our narcissistic parents probably believe the lies they are told about us.  After all, narcissists are notoriously good actors & liars- it’s hard not to believe their stories, sometimes even after you’ve seen the truth.  Chances are, these people are told we’re the problem.  If they believe the lies, then naturally they’ll think we need to do all of the work with our relationship with our parents.  If we’ve been so bad to them, we need to make it up to them.  It’s only fair, right??

 

They also most likely have seen us serving or catering to our narcissistic parents, & blindly go along with our parents’ attitude that it’s up to us to do for them.  This could include fixing any problems in the relationship.

 

For those who don’t necessarily know our narcissistic parents, they probably pick up on us as the damaged people we are.  The people who believe that we’re always wrong & we need to fix things because that is what our narcissistic parents instilled in us when we were very young.  Even as we heal, that “vibe” can still be there for a long time, & people pick up on it.  In fact, when people treat us as if it’s our job to fix something, we may automatically do so just because it’s such a deeply ingrained habit.  This reinforces the belief that fixing things is our responsibility.

 

Or, if people don’t pick up on that “fixing vibe”, they may see you as a very responsible, mature person & the other person in the relationship as immature or irresponsible.  They figure since the immature, irresponsible person won’t do what is necessary to fix things, the mature & responsible one will, so they push that person to do all of the work.  The mature one should be the “bigger person” since the other person is incapable (or so they believe) of behaving properly.

 

I don’t know if these things are completely accurate, as I’ve never read anything on this topic before.  They’re just some random thoughts that popped into my mind, & I thought I’d share them since other people have mentioned this being an issue in their lives as well.

 

Remember though, Dear Reader, it’s not always your job to fix problems!  Sure, fix what you can.  If you’ve made mistakes or hurt others, do what you can to make things right.  But, you do NOT need to do all of the work in relationships, & don’t let anyone pressure you into believing that nonsense!  One person cannot make a relationship work- it’s impossible!  It takes two people to make a relationship work, no matter the nature of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

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Narcissistic Abuse Awareness

There are no pretty ribbons or months dedicated to narcissistic abuse awareness or to help comfort or inspire victims.  This seems so wrong to me since narcissistic abuse really is an epidemic.

 

A few months back, I created The Butterfly Project in an attempt to change this.  It hasn’t felt like enough, though.

 

I recently decided to make bracelets that I hope will comfort & inspire victims as well as raise awareness.   I did my best to keep the cost reasonable & quality decent.

 

For more detailed information, click the link below.

http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Narcissistic-Abuse-Awareness-Bracelets.php

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Growing Older

I read something interesting recently.  It said if you have a negative attitude about growing older, it can increase your chances of getting Alzheimer’s disease.

 

Tomorrow I’ll be 45 years old & am wondering when & how this happened.  lol  Not necessarily that I feel old, but it seems like I just turned 30 last year.  Time speeds by so fast!

 

It’s also rather scary because of the things I have seen.  Older folks’ bodies failing them, loss of independence, losing friends & loved ones.  It can be scary thinking that one day not so far off, that could be me.

 

Rather than indulging in that kind of thinking, dreading & fearing getting older, I’ve decided to think of getting older as a new journey.  I’ve also decided to embrace the good things that come with getting older.

 

Many older people have a certain comfortable way about them.  They realize that their many years have given them plenty of experience & wisdom.  They aren’t the naive young men & women they once were who trusted the wrong people or who had no idea what to do in a crisis situation.  The comedian Christopher Titus once said something along the lines of people who have been through some stuff know when things are about to hit the fan, you step to the side of the fan.   It’s very true!  Having plenty of experience is a good thing & grants you a great deal of wisdom you can’t gain from books.

 

This experience also grants them a certain freedom.  Freedom to enforce healthy boundaries with no guilt, freedom to wear what they like without caring what others think, & freedom to be completely themselves, without apology.  This freedom is a wonderful thing!

 

Just because you aren’t 22 anymore  doesn’t mean your life is over.  Sometimes, it’s only beginning.  Joyce Meyer didn’t start preaching until she was in her 40’s, I believe.  Laura Ingals WIlder, author of the “Little House On The Prairie” books began her literary career at 44.  Morgan Freeman only became a well known actor after his role in “Glory” at age 52.  Colonel Harland Sanders started KFC at the age of 65!

 

And, if you’re worried about losing your looks, forget that!  Look at Salma Hayak- she is in her late 40’s or maybe even 50, & stunning.  Kim Basinger, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christie Brinkley & Valerie Bertinelli are all over 50 & I think even prettier now than in their younger days.

 

If you’re worried about losing your looks, learn ways to take care of yourself to age gracefully as these beautiful women have.  I’ll share my skin care secret with you so you can start there if you like.  I exfoliate my skin often, at least a couple of times a week with a scrub I make myself from equal parts ground oatmeal (I grind it into a powder in the blender), corn meal & salt.  I do this in the shower- put some of this mixture in my hand, mix it with water, then rub it on my skin for a few moments & rinse.  I follow this with a good moisturizer after the shower.  In the winter, my skin gets extremely dry, so I need to use a heavy moisturizer.  The rest of the time, I use another concoction I make.  I make very strong green tea & add olive oil to it.  About 1 part olive oil to 3 parts tea.  You can adjust the ratio but be aware- too much oil can leave your skin feeling greasy.   It absorbs quickly & leaves my skin feeling soft & looking glowing.

 

There are some definite perks to growing older.  Why not decide to embrace them today?  Even if you are reading this & young, it’s never too early to make this decision.  xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Shipping Sale On My Books!

My publisher is offering free mail shipping or 50% off ground shipping until Friday.  Use code APRSHIP50 at checkout.

 

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What You Do Always Matters

God showed me recently how valuable any small act of kindness is to people.

 

In the early 2000’s, my husband & I sponsored a young girl & her brother in the Philippines.  We wrote back & forth.  We had pictures of both kids.  Then at one point, I forget what, but something came up & we couldn’t send the money one month.  The organization we went through gave them to another family to sponsor although we were planning to send more to make up for the month we lost.

 

I wondered what happened to the kids.  We kept their pictures & prayed for them periodically.

 

Then a few days ago, I got a friend’s request & message from a young woman.  This stunning young lady is the once young girl we sponsored!  She wanted to find us to thank us for helping her as a little girl.

 

I’m in shock, but it’s a good shock!  I never expected to hear from her again.

 

For a while, I’ve felt like anything good I do isn’t really important.  It’s just what I should do as a Christian- bless & help other people.  Plus, growing up with narcissists, doing for others feels like it is just what I am supposed to do.  I’m sure you know what I mean- narcissists raise their children to do for them.  They make their children believe their only purpose is to do for them, to be used, so the children carry that belief into adulthood.  Even other people often treat them as if they owe the other people to do for them, like the narcissistic parent did.  Honestly, this is how I have always felt.

 

I guess God was tired of me feeling as if what I do for others doesn’t matter or make much difference, because hearing from this young lady really showed me it does matter.  Even small gestures make a big difference!  It didn’t cost much, what we sent to the organization, but it helped to put her through school.  I forgot until she reminded me, but I had sent her pictures of our pets.  She said she loved the pictures, as she is an avid animal lover.  Little things, but they made a big difference to her.

 

Dear Reader, please learn from this story.  Whatever you do for others makes a difference!  Even small gestures that don’t feel important, are very important.  Maybe not to you, but they are very important to someone, even if you are unaware of that fact.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Animals Grieve Too

On this day in 2014, my husband & I lost one of our special cats, Georgie.  We adopted him & his brother, Pretty Boy, when they were only about 4 weeks old.  They were adorable tiny, fluffy black powder puffs, born to a stray living in a local lady’s yard.  She said she was going to have animal control take all of the cats later in the week.  Rather than let them take their chances at the shelter, we decided to adopt the brothers.  After all, we had lost 2 cats in a short time prior, & another one was dying from cancer- we knew she had very little time left.  Kittens always help to cheer us up (they’re so fun & silly!), these two were in need, black cats are the least likely to be adopted & also my personal favorites.  It seemed like everything was saying we needed to adopt these two precious little boys.

 

That was in 2002, & in the 12 years we had both boys, we had a lot of laughs, mostly because of Georgie.  He was mischievous & ornery, where his brother is much more serious.  In spite of their very different personalities, they were inseparable.  Georgie was always Pretty Boy’s protector- if another cat went to mess with Pretty Boy, Georgie intervened, even if the other cat only wanted to play.  When Pretty Boy was diagnosed with diabetes in 2011, Georgie was always there to comfort his brother, especially when he came home smelling like the world’s most horrible place, the vet’s office.

 

Then on April 16, 2014, I realized around 10:00 that I hadn’t seen Georgie since the previous night.  I texted my husband who said he hadn’t either.  I thought maybe Georgie sneaked outside (as he had a couple of times before), or was hiding somewhere napping. I searched the house & couldn’t find him.  He didn’t come when I called, which was very unusual.  In a panic, I asked my husband to come home & help me find him.  He found Georgie in our bedroom closet.  Apparently he passed away in his sleep, why we don’t know.

 

 

Pretty Boy was devastated, & as you may know, stress & emotions can play havoc with one’s blood glucose levels.  For a month, Pretty Boy’s already sensitive levels could jump 600 points or sink 600 points in a 12 hour period.  Thankfully, his glucose levels started to level out after about a month.  Pretty Boy has not been the same since losing his brother.  He became even more serious, but at least he has developed closer friendships with the other cats.

 

Losing a furbaby is excruciating for people, but we aren’t the only ones who suffer.  Their furry family suffers too.  Blood related or not, if you have more than one pet, chances are good that they are bonded to some degree.  Maybe they don’t show their love as openly as Georgie & Pretty Boy, but there is a bond there.   I have had 27 cats in my adult life, & have lost 17 to date, plus had 3 dogs & lost 2 of them.  I can tell you that the survivors always grieve.  Not all grieve as hard as my Pretty Boy did for his brother, but there was still a great deal of pain when others passed on.  I have seen it over & over

 

If you have lost a furbaby, please remember this!  I know you are suffering, but so are your surviving furbabies.  You need to help each other through the grief process.  It will help you both to get through & bond you even closer.

 

How do you help when you feel like you’re falling apart?  First, pray.  Ask God to help you to help your furbaby.  Pray for your furbaby- lay your hands on him or her & pray out loud.  I have yet to have one pet not like this.  They understand what you are doing, & they do appreciate it!  Mine certainly have.

 

Offer your surviving furbaby extra love.  Lots of snuggles & saying “I love you” truly help you both a great deal.  Don’t think animals don’t know what you’re saying, only the tone of voice- they understand exactly what you’re saying!  And, like humans, hearing a heart felt “I love you” is always welcomed, but especially when they are hurting.  This helps you too- when you receive snuggles in return, it helps to lift your spirits.

 

You can take your baby for a walk- not only dogs enjoy walks, but some cats do as well.  In fact, some cats enjoy walking with a harness & leash, believe it or not.  If your kitty isn’t a fan, they make pet strollers that safely protect your cat in a netted cage of sorts, allowing her to enjoy the fresh air & remain protected at the same time.

 

Playing is always a good bonding experience with your pet, & it helps to elevate both your moods.  I have yet to meet a dog who didn’t love a good game of fetch or tug of war.  Most cats enjoy cat nip, chasing a piece of string or rope & some even enjoy jingle bells or small crinkle balls.  The experience also helps to cheer you up because it’s such fun watching your furbaby have fun.

 

Losing a pet is a painful, horrible experience, but never forget, it also hurts your other pets.  They need you now more than ever, & you need them.

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Don’t Carry Another’s Shame

Toxic shame is often caused by abusive, parentalizing parents.  They ignore their child’s needs, feelings & wants to make their child believe she is only alive to take care of her parents’ emotional needs or provide that precious narcissistic supply.  She believes she has no right to wants, needs or emotions, & because she does have them, she often grows up with toxic shame that affects all areas of her life.

 

However, this is not the only way a person can have a root of toxic shame.  One way is when a dysfunctional person puts their shame on you.

 

This happens by projection.  Projection is when someone knows they are a certain way, yet blame you for being exactly that way while denying they are that way.  Narcissists are notorious projectionists.  They love to put their insecurities & flaws onto others, so they can get angry about them without accepting any personal responsibility.  As an example, one of my sisters in-law once told my husband I look down on their family.  She screamed at my husband about that during a phone call one day in I think it was 2002.  He was baffled as was I, since the thought of being better than them never occurred to me.  In fact, my husband & I agreed that it was the other way around- they look down on me.  That is projection.

 

Shame can be projected as well.  Narcissists are full of shame.  (Although they act extremely confident, it is just a show.  They are extremely insecure inside, which is why they act so confident.  They are trying to convince themselves & other people that they are as good, talented, beautiful, etc. as they claim to be.)  Projection is among their favorite coping skills.  To deal with this shame they feel, they will do their best to put it on their victim, so they don’t have to deal with it.

 

My mother did this a great deal.  When her abuse was at its peak when I was 17-19, she would scream at me, & tell me I made her act that way.  If I would just act right, she wouldn’t have to practice “tough love” on me.  All my life, if I was angry or even simply frustrated, she would accuse me of having “that Bailey temper” & shame me for having such a bad temper when the truth is she was the one with the wicked temper, not me.  Sometimes to this day, she still tries to shame me, even things beyond my control, such as if I get sick or injured.

 

Actions like that were her trying to put the shame she felt inside on me.

 

Can you relate, Dear Reader?  Did you experience your narcissistic mother trying to make you carry her shame?

 

If so, refuse to carry her shame any longer!  It’s not your place to carry her shame, to feel ashamed because of things that were beyond your control.

 

Make a decision that you will NOT carry her shame a moment longer.  If it helps, imagine taking a sack of some sort to your mother & laying it at her feet then walking away.  Sometimes visuals like that can help.

 

Ask God to show you ways you’re carrying her shame & how to stop it.  With me, I noticed that when I discussed things with my mother, I always phrased things from my perspective.  “I felt she was abusive when she…”  “I got thrown into a wall by my mother.”  God showed me that I was carrying the blame & all of the responsibility  for her actions, including her shame when it all belonged squarely on her shoulders.

 

I hope this helps you to be free of carrying around that toxic shame that isn’t yours to carry!  You deserve so much better than that!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Avoiding Infidelity

I read recently that 30-60% of all married couples are affected by infidelity at some point in their marriage.  That is a staggering statistic!  Infidelity is possibly the most painful thing a couple can go through, so why are so many people cheating?

 

I firmly believe one reason, possibly the main reason, is because when a couple is going through difficulties, it is easy to look at someone else & think they are so much better than that man or woman you’re married to.  Temptation can easily become too much at that point.  I admit, I fell into that trap myself before I was a Christian.  Before I married my ex husband, I broke our engagement & told him I wanted to see other people.  I did just that, but for a few months later we were married,  I continued seeing one other man for several months until the guilt of what I was doing was too much for me to handle.  I did this because I was unhappy with my ex husband from very early in our relationship.  I had married my ex out of guilt (he was very manipulative & I was easily manipulated back then), not love, & was unhappy.  The man I was seeing was much different than my ex.  He was fun, kind & smart.  He made me feel desirable, witty, smart & more.  I had a hard time letting that go, especially when I compared him to my ex.

 

Another reason for infidelity is selfishness, often to the point of narcissism.  So many people are only concerned with themselves, that they don’t even care that what they do may hurt other people, even to the point they will cheat on their spouse.  You can identify these people easily- they are the ones that don’t want to quit their porn addiction because they claim that isn’t cheating.  They fail to realize that Matthew 5:27-8 say otherwise (27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NLT)).  They also ignore the fact that their addiction is destroying their spouse.

 

How do you avoid this awful pitfall?  By treating your spouse like the most important person in your world.  Remind him constantly how proud you are of him, & mean it.  Tell her often how beautiful she is, & mean that.  Say please & thank you on a regular basis.  Never take that wonderful person you married for granted, because there are no guarantees in life- your situation can change in an instant.  Play together- whether it is video games, board games, ping pong or sports, have fun together & do it often.  Arrange dates often, & spend  time talking, without the TV, without your cell phones.  Refuse to talk about the fact you don’t have the money to make the car payment or your son is failing algebra, & just talk about each other- your hopes & dreams, what you want from each other (& pledge to do it!).  Most importantly, don’t forget to pray together.  It is truly a bonding experience!

 

Marriage isn’t always easy.  It’ll never be perfect either, but it can be a happy, comfortable safe haven with your best friend & lover.  If you & your spouse decide to make it that way, & both of you work on it, then chances of infidelity destroying your marriage can virtually disappear.

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Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

An Update About An Update & Lessons Learned

Recently I shared a personal update in this post.  I mentioned how I realized I needed to start taking more frequent breaks.  I even asked a good friend to monitor my Facebook group when I feel I need a break.  So, a few days ago, I asked her to monitor it for the first time.  I had yet another awful headache & figured what better time to take a break.  Spend the afternoon relaxing, watching tv, maybe crocheting, while staying away from the blog, group & anything related to narcissism.

 

Sounds good in theory.  In reality though?  I botched that one big time.

 

I spent that afternoon continually checking my group & blog.  I forced myself not to respond, but at I at least read what was posted.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So much for a break.

 

Again, I haven’t been “practicing what I preach.”  I’ve been beating myself up over this.  I mean really- my group is amazing.  What could happen if I took the afternoon away from it?!  If someone needs support, other group members jump right in & support each other in spite of their own problems.  Same with those who read my blog- if people see comments by someone in need of information &/or support, they jump in.  My presence isn’t necessary 100% of the time.

 

I really hate that overdeveloped sense of responsibility.  It’s so annoying.  It’s also yet one more awful result of being raised by narcissistic, parentalizing parents.

 

What I learned from this experience is this…

 

  • Little victories should still be counted.  Like me only reading & not responding in my group that afternoon.  it still counts!  It’s a step in the right direction.
  • Victories can’t be had overnight.  Be patient with yourself when trying to make changes, especially to something as deeply ingrained as that overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
  • Old habits die hard, as the saying goes.  Keep on trying, & it’ll happen.  Maybe not the first time you try making that change, but it’ll happen if you keep on, keepin’ on.
  • Don’t beat yourself up.  Easier said than done, I know.  Just remember, you’re human.  That means you’re going to make mistakes sometimes.  It’s ok.  Things happen.  Just learn from those mistakes & move on.  Don’t dwell on how badly you screwed up when you did *fill in the blank.*  We all make mistakes, & sometimes big ole honkin’ ones!  If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Being Positive Doesn’t Fix Everything

I’ve been seeing so much lately about thinking positive, how a positive outlook can fix any problem in life.  It sounds great, but I disagree.

Thinking positive is certainly a good thing.  It can help you not to be discouraged or depressed.  In fact, I even have what I call “Positive Monday” every week in my facebook group, where I share something good in my life & encourage others to do the same.  That being said though, sometimes you have to be real.  There is nothing wrong with being upset when something bad happens.  It’s ok to grieve & be negative for a while after losing a loved one, being unfairly fired, finding out your spouse cheated on you or being mistreated.

Also, being realistic rather than optimistic helps you to avoid being constantly disappointed.  Optimists are constantly disappointed, because they naively expect everything to turn out well.  Unfortunately for them, that isn’t realistic!  Sometimes life is great & things turn out well, but not always.  I am a firm believer in hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.  For example, last February when I got carbon monoxide poisoning & a concussion when I passed out from it, I did a lot of research on both.  I learned that recovery is very long & slow, & in many cases, a person never fully recovers from carbon monoxide poisoning or a brain injury, even a so called mild one like a concussion.  While I hoped to be one of the few to fully or nearly fully recover, I accepted the fact it may never happen.  My symptoms have not improved in a long time, & I accept that.  I’m disappointed, sure, but not devastated because I knew it was possible, which I believe is about as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Positive thinking also won’t heal you from the effects of abuse.  What will help you is to face what happened head on, talking about it, praying about it, getting angry about it then forgiving the person who hurt you.  Ignoring it or making excuses for the abuser (“he was abused as a child”, for example) does not benefit anyone, least of all you.

I just wanted to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to have some balance in your thinking.   There is no shame in being realistic rather than optimistic.  There is no shame when positive thinking doesn’t fix everything for you.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

A Personal Update & The Importance Of Taking Breaks

I vowed some time ago to keep my blog real, to be honest about my experiences, both the good & bad ones.  My hope is that you can learn from my mistakes.

 

A few days ago, I read a quote on Facebook from the book “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud & Townsend.  It says,

 

“Another damaging effect of abuse or molestation is the destruction of a sense of ownership over the victim’s soul.  In fact, victims often feel like they are public property- that their resources, body & time should be available to others just for the asking.”

 

Although I’ve read “Boundaries” several times, I never related to that quote so well as I have recently.  It perfectly sums up how I’ve always felt.

 

Interestingly, this quote came to my attention a couple of hours after receiving a message from one of my readers.  When I saw I had a message, I cringed a bit.  Not because the person was someone I didn’t like (she was lovely to talk with) or I didn’t want to help this person, but because I have gotten so tired lately of all things narcissism.  I’ve also been more depressed than usual for about a month.  Considering my feelings & then this quote, I immediately realized something about myself.  I haven’t been practicing what I preach.  I haven’t been taking frequent breaks.  I slipped back into the old, dysfunctional habit of feeling as if I need to be there for anyone & everyone, at all times, always being the strong one & fixing everything.

 

*bangs head into walls*

 

I really hate backsliding!  It’s especially insulting since I was doing better in this area.  God showed me a few months ago that when I got so sick in 2015 from carbon monoxide poisoning, one of the reasons was basically to force me to take better care of myself.  Since getting sick, sometimes now my body &/or mind gets extremely tired & I have no choice but to rest, which has proven to be a good thing.  At least until this past month, when I slid back into ignoring my physical & mental health, pushing myself past my limits.

 

I decided the other day this has to stop.  Right now, I have a sick kitty who needs my attention & I also need a break from all things narcissism.

 

I started by asking a very close friend to help me manage my group by being an admin in there.  When I need a break, she can keep an eye on things.  When I told my group, they were incredibly supportive.  Another dear friend who is in my group sent me a private message, telling me it’s ok to take breaks, I don’t always have to be the strong one & she is there for me.  I was very moved by the wonderful show of support & love!  Truly, my group is amazing.  :)  If you’re interested in joining, you can check it out here:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/

 

While I was recovering last year, I was able to write many blog posts.  So many, I have them written 3 months in advance.  Plus wordpress publishes them to Facebook, Google Plus, Linkedin, etc. automatically.  I don’t write blog posts every other day, as it may look since that’s when they are published.  Please keep that in mind if you try to contact me via this blog or my social network sites.  If I don’t respond quickly, please forgive me, but I needed a break.  Otherwise, I’ll respond quickly.

 

Interestingly since I decided to take breaks, I already feel less pressure & depressed.  Knowing I can take breaks as needed has taken a large weight off my shoulders!

 

My reason for this post, Dear Reader, is two fold.  For one thing, I want you to know what is happening, so if I don’t respond to you in a timely manner, you won’t feel that I don’t care.  I truly do!  I also care about myself, though, & know being “on call” is too much pressure for me to handle.

 

For another thing, I want you to learn from my mistake.  Never, ever forget that Narcissistic Personality Disorder & recovering from narcissistic abuse are extremely serious, complex & painful topics.  Frequent breaks from thinking & talking about narcissism are absolutely vital to one’s mental & physical health!  I think it is very normal to obsess at first.  Once you have an answer to why someone treated you as they did, it’s only natural to want to know more about why they behaved that way.  It also feels so good to learn that you aren’t the problem as you were told you were.  Who wouldn’t want to understand why they were blamed for being abused?!  And, since narcissism is so complex, it’s pretty much a bottomless pit of things you can learn about it.  You should learn about narcissism.  It will empower you to do so.  That being said though, due to its complex nature & the pain of narcissistic abuse, you will need to take frequent breaks away from the topics.  During those times, refuse to think about or discuss narcissism.  Relax.  Do things you enjoy.  The balance will help you to stay strong & avoid depression.  You’ll know when you need a break, too- your mood will sink & you’ll be thinking about narcissism constantly.  Listen to these cues!  I didn’t, & look what has happened to me.  Please learn from my mistakes & don’t make the same ones I have!

 

Take good care of yourself, Dear Reader!  I’m praying for you as I hope you pray for me!  xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing

“You Can’t Blame Her Forever!”

So many  who grew up in happy homes tell those of us who didn’t that we can’t blame our abusive parents forever.  We have to take responsibility for ourselves one of these days!

 

While this sounds good, I have an issue with it.

 

Parents are responsible for raising their children.  Some do a wonderful job, putting a great deal of time & effort into making sure their children grow up happy, healthy & loved.  Other parents aren’t so good.  They tear down their child rather than build her up.   They expect their child to take care of them, rather than taking care of her as God intended.  They are so self-absorbed that they have no time or energy to devote to their child.  Some may not even meet the child’s basic needs such as food, clothing or shelter.  Others may use their child to meet their needs, & take their anger out on the child or sexually abuse her.  When parents behave in such ways, that child will grow up scarred, either physically or emotionally or both.

 

Abused children grow up with problems.  Some have lifelong injuries because of the physical or sexual abuse they survived at the hand of their parents.  Some have addictions due to their desire to escape the pain inside caused by their upbringing.  And often, many have PTSD or C-PTSD.

 

How can you not blame your abusive parent as long as you have such problems because of that abusive parent, especially when those problems interfere with your daily life even years later?!

 

I firmly believe that the abusive parent deserves 100% of the blame for the problems that he or she caused.  No one can do anything to deserve being abused!  Abusing is the responsibility of the abuser, never the victim.

 

That being said, the victim does have some responsibility.

 

It is the victim’s responsibility to heal as best she can from the abuse she endured.  It is up to the victim to seek help, to research or do whatever she needs to heal.  While some problems may be lifelong such as PTSD or C-PTSD, she certainly can learn ways to manage her symptoms.

 

It is also the victim’s responsibility to be sure that she doesn’t repeat the familiar patterns of abuse.  Sometimes those who were abused as children become abusers.  I don’t understand how this works exactly, but it is a pretty common phenomenon.  It is up to the victim not to allow this to happen!

 

It is up to the victim to learn & grow as a person, rather than stay the stifled person she was raised to be.  It is her responsibility to become the person God wants her to be, even when it clashes with what her abusive parents wanted her to become.

 

It is also the victim’s responsibility to forgive her abuser.   Mark 11:25 says,  “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”  (ESV)  I know it is hard to forgive others, especially when they deliberately hurt you.  I know they don’t deserve your forgiveness.  However, I also know that you deserve better than to carry around bitterness & anger inside of you!  Don’t get me wrong- I don’t mean you need to forgive & forget.  That only sets you up for further abuse.  I am saying that you can, in time & with God’s help, release the anger you feel inside.  You will be so much happier for it!  Your health will benefit too, as repressed anger can create a myriad of physical & emotional health problems such as high blood pressure, depression, anxiety, heart problems, kidney problems & more.

 

Lastly, I believe it is also the victim’s responsibility to educate others & help to raise awareness.  For example, many people have heard the term narcissistic abuse, but do they really know what it means?  Probably not, so why not start a blog on the topic?  Write about your experiences or what you are learning as you heal.  If you wish, do so using a false name.  Writing the truth using your real name can be a scary prospect since you wonder if the abuser will learn about your writing.  I know- it honestly makes me very anxious sometimes that my parents will learn what I write about (as it is, they don’t have a computer, but they do have flying monkey relatives who do).  If you don’t feel confident in writing a blog, then what about checking into laws on the kind of abuse you endured?  Do you see where the laws need changing?  Then look into changing those laws!  Start petitions or create a website on the topic.  There are plenty of ways you can make your painful experiences count for something!

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Book Sale Again!!

My publisher is having another sale.  Been plenty of them lately!

 

This sale is for 20% off of all print books until April 3, 2016.  Use code SHOWER20 at checkout (all caps- codes are case sensitive).

 

You can see my author’s spotlight at: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

 

 

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Stalking & Harassment

Have you experienced a stalker?  Someone harassing you for months or even years on end?  If so, you’re not alone.

 

It’s estimated that 3.4 million people report being victims of stalking each year (according to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics.), & that is only the reported cases.  Chances are the real number of stalking victims is much higher as many victims either don’t want to report it or are told they don’t have a case, which means a report is never made.  Personally, I’ve experienced stalking twice.  The first time, the policeman actually laughed at me when I tried to report it.  The second time, the policeman was much kinder, but said that there was nothing that could be done from a legal standpoint as this person’s behavior stayed just barely legal.

 

Although the laws have improved, they still haven’t entirely caught up with reality, which means there isn’t usually much that can be done to protect ourselves from a legal perspective.  We’re forced to seek other means of self-protection, as frustrating as that can be.

 

What can a victim do to protect himself or herself?

 

One thing I’ve realized is these people tend to be narcissists.  They think their wants & needs rise above anything & everything else.  They also think they’re above the law- they are so smart, they can harass you & stay legal.   They also seem to think if they just push hard enough, you’ll cave, & see that you should be in a relationship with them.  You’ll see how much they care about you by them harassing you!  I think some stalkers who have been romantically involved with their victims even think it’s romantic.  See how much they love you?  They just can’t let you go!  They can’t live without you!   Amazingly dysfunctional,  I know, but this is often their mindset.

 

Keeping in mind stalkers are often narcissists, you need to remember- narcissists are constantly in search of their precious narcissistic supply, which basically means any attention is good attention as far as they’re concerned.  Good or bad attention, love them or hate them, they’ll take any attention or emotion they can get.

 

The best way to counteract a narcissistic stalker is to ignore them.  They can handle any positive or negative emotion you feel, but they simply cannot handle apathy.

 

Show a narcissist they don’t mean anything to you, act like they don’t even exist, & that you aren’t afraid of them, & they will be completely frazzled.  They won’t know what to do!  I know this can be very frustrating to do.  When someone is stalking & harassing you, you can’t help but want to tell them to get lost (putting that nicely) at some point.  However, doing so will only make things worse.  Ignore them no matter what!  Even if you see them in a public place,  ignore them!  Yes it’s hard, but at some point, most narcissists will quit bothering you & find another target.

 

Another thing you can do is document everything.  Take pictures.  Save emails & texts.  Take screen shots (hit that “prt scr” button on your keyboard, open Microsoft Paint or any picture editor & paste into a document.  Instructions for android & iphones are available online.).  Save every electronic document somewhere that can’t be destroyed.  External hard drives die.  CD’s break or become corrupt.  Flash drives can be lost.  An online cloud service is an excellent alternative.

 

Block your stalker electronically every way possible.  Block them on social media, block their email, block their phone number.  Granted, if they want to reach you badly enough, they can create other social media profiles, email addresses or spoof their phone number, but at least you can make reaching you a real challenge.  Then block the new profile, email or phone number.  Keep blocking!

 

Share your story with close friends or family who believe what you are going through.  It certainly can’t hurt to have others know what is happening.

 

Stay on your toes.  If you can, don’t go out alone.  Stalkers are often nothing but bullies which means they’re cowards.  Having others around you lessens your chances of them bothering you.

 

Put “no trespassing” signs on your property where they can be seen very clearly.  Here in Maryland, if someone trespasses in spite of your sign, you can call the police to escort this person off your property.  Having a police record of this person’s actions will work in your favor.  I would guess this works in other states as well- it’s best to check into your own local laws however.

 

Lastly, if this stalker knows your friends & family, you need to be prepared- they are often quite capable of turning people against you.  As ridiculous as it sounds, many stalkers are great actors (typical narcissistic behavior), & convince others that you are the one with the problem.  The stalker probably says that he or she loves you & is just trying to win you back or be your friend.  The stalker is the innocent victim- you’re the one with the problem.  She/he has no idea why you’re being so mean & unreasonable- all the stalker wants to do is talk or apologize.  And sadly, many people naively believe such nonsense because the stalker is just that good of an actor.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve lost in my life because of my two stalkers.

 

I truly hope that you did not need to read this post, Dear Reader.  Being stalked & harassed is such a nuisance at best & depending on the person, can be very scary at worst.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  If you are in this situation, then I hope my post can help you to manage this situation.  My prayer is that anyone reading this article will be kept safe & their stalker will leave them alone permanently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Miscellaneous, Narcissism

About Flying Monkeys

Recently I was talking with some members of an online group I’m in about flying monkeys.  It never fails to amaze me how narcissists have so many who blindly obey the narcissist, & are devoted to protecting them, furthering their agenda & hurting their victims.  In fact, my mother’s flying monkeys are so devoted, even people who don’t like her will fight for her & be cruel to me.

 

I asked the other members of the group if this made any sense to them.  It doesn’t me.  One member said something that I think described this situation.  She believes that people like that are dysfunctional, but like to give the appearance of normalcy.  If you are honest about the dysfunction in your life, it may upset the apple cart for them, so to speak.  It may put cracks in the veneer of their normal appearance.

 

This made so much sense to me!  I thought about two people who have been my mother’s most devoted flying monkeys.  Both have had some rough times, such as bad (even abusive) marriages.  Eventually they got away from their abusers & made their own lives.  They’ve become mothers, later grandmothers, they celebrate all holidays & birthdays with their families.  They give all appearances of happy, normal people with happy, normal families.  If something bad or dysfunctional happens, they cover things up or deny those things happened.  If you don’t know about the bad things, you’d think they have the perfect lives.

 

If I said anything negative about my mother to either of them, I was told I need to work things out with my mother- after all she’s my mother, get over it, stop living in the past & other invalidating, vicious things.  Truly neither one of my so-called “friends” wanted to hear what I was going through.  In fact, if I mentioned any problem I had to them, I was rudely brushed off.  (Example: I mentioned to one my blood pressure had been elevated recently due to stress- her response?  “You need to lose all that weight, then it’ll be fine!”  I’m about 20lbs overweight- that’s not so bad!).

 

I can’t help but wonder if the reason they behave this way is they are deathly afraid of any problem possibly calling attention to the fact their normalcy is merely an act, upsetting their apple cart of dysfunction, if you will.  Maybe somehow they think if I talk about my bad experiences, those close to them will start to see similarities between her life & mine, & think badly of her.  Or, maybe they think others will question these folks, wondering why they never tried to help me.  After all, they’ve known me since I was a child.  How could these wonderful people stand idly by knowing I was being abused?  Certainly that would make them look bad, which they can’t bear.  So, it’s best to try to silence me.  If I don’t talk to them about certain things, they can maintain their facade & pretend nothing happened.

 

If this is happening to you, too, please keep this information in mind.  It may help you to understand why people behave this way.  Also, please know it’s not your fault.  There is nothing wrong with you for expecting support & compassion from those close to you.  It’s completely normal!  People who act this way, brushing you off or invalidating your pain, are the ones who are not completely normal.  For normal, healthy people, compassion to others is very important!  More so than what others think of them.  Normal people side with the victim, not the abuser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse & Rape

As victims of narcissistic abuse, we are raised never to make waves.  That includes never upsetting the narcissistic parent.  It doesn’t matter what that narcissist does to you, you are NOT allowed to confront her about her abusive behavior.  If you do, you’re a terrible & unreasonable person.  At least according to the narcissist.

 

Unfortunately, this carries over into other abusive relationships & situations, including rape.

 

It seems to me it’s fairly common for adult children of narcissists to make excuses for being raped, especially if it’s by a boyfriend or husband.  “Well, he was drunk.”  “I wasn’t in the mood, but he was, so it’s not a big deal.”  “It’s not like he held a gun to my head.  He’s my husband & I owe it to him.”  We also seldom call these abusers out on their awful behavior.

 

Maybe we behave this way simply from habit.  Or, maybe we behave this way because we don’t believe we deserve to be treated better.  Whatever the case, it is very wrong & needs to change.

 

Rape is a terrible thing, but possibly it’s even worse when done by an intimate partner.  Our husbands are people we know & love, share secrets & dreams with, possibly even share children with.  When that special person rapes you, it destroys your trust in him.  That affects every area of your marriage.  It can destroy the love you once felt for your husband.  It also can leave you depressed, anxious, with eating or sleep problems.

 

Also, marital rape doesn’t always mean your husband held a gun to your head & forced you to have sex.  He may not even use force at all.  Coercion & guilt tactics designed to make you give in are extremely common, yet are seldom considered weapons used in marital rape.  Personally, I believe them to be very effective ones weapons, especially for those of us who survived narcissistic abuse & are prone to feeling guilty easily.  I also believe them to be the most commonly used weapons of husbands & boyfriends who rape.

 

And, force is often used not only to get sex, but to get the victim to do certain sexual acts that she doesn’t want to do.  Forcing someone to do sexual acts they are not comfortable doing or that are painful is rape!  Rape is defined as forcible sexual relations against someone’s will.  If your partner forces you to perform oral or anal sex in spite of your protests, that is rape.  I realize these are very common scenarios in relationships.  So common, in fact, I don’t think many people, male or female, consider it rape when a man forces a woman to perform such behaviors against her will.  That doesn’t mean it is OK though!  Believe me, I’ve been there.  I’ve been forced against my will to receive anal sex many times, in spite of my many protests.  Just because it was by someone I was married to did not make it OK!  In fact, it made our marriage worse by destroying any trust I felt for him.  I also shut down emotionally with him.

 

If you’re being raped by your intimate partner, please know you do NOT have to do that any longer!  Calling an abuser out on their behavior goes against everything in you after surviving narcissistic abuse, but you can change that about yourself!  You should change this about yourself because you do not deserve to be treated this way!

 

Prayer is always the best place to start.  Ask God to help you do whatever it is you need to do in this situation & to help your husband to see the error of his ways.

 

You must realize that this is not God’s will.  It’s not Godly for a man to rape his wife.  People may quote 1 Corinthians 7:5 ( “Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control.” (AMP) ) or Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ” (NIV) ) to women whose husbands have raped them.  This only serves to confuse the wife & make her feel as if she has no rights.  This is NOT God’s plan for marriage!  Sex is never supposed to be a weapon or cause emotional or physical pain!  Husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:23).  A man who loves his wife that way would never rape his wife or purposely hurt her in any other way.

 

Also, I believe it is perfectly acceptable to speak up to your husband about this important matter.  Yes, wives are to submit to our husbands, but in the face of sinful, abusive behavior, I honestly don’t see why God would object to confronting him.  I haven’t seen anything in the Bible that says wives cannot speak up to their husbands when they are behaving in an ungodly manner.

 

If you need medical attention, & you tell the hospital staff what happened, the police may become involved, whether you want them to be or not.  Just be prepared for that.

 

If you opt to leave your husband, prepare to the best of your ability.  Have a safe place to go that he doesn’t know where it is.  Save as much money as possible before leaving.  And, don’t underestimate him.  Abusers can be extremely devious & cruel.

 

Always remember,  Dear Reader- God loves you so much.  He doesn’t want you to be abused.  He wants you to be loved & treated like the treasure He believes you are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another Tool To Help When You Must Deal With Narcissists

Years ago, I stumbled across an interesting way to help me maintain calm when dealing with narcissists- props.  A prop can be anything that comforts you or even makes you smile.  They are a wonderfully simple way to keep you grounded & keep your perspective about the difficult situation. I tend to dissociate pretty easily, & having something to physically touch helps me to stay in the moment.

 

When I had to deal with my mother in-law, I used things that made me laugh.  My personal favorite was a tiny vial for holy water a Catholic charity once sent me.  Remember the movie “The Exorcist”?  When the possessed girl was sprayed with holy water, she screamed “it burns!!”  I imagined my mother in-law doing the same thing if I sprayed her with holy water.  (I know – I have a warped sense of humor)  When she got nasty with me, I’d reach into my pocket & touch the vial.  She never knew why sometimes I’d smile when she was so wicked..

 

A friend of mine also had a mother in-law who disliked her.  We started joking saying, “pass the flask- I have to see the mother in-law today.”  One day, a flask arrived in the mail!  She bought her & I matching flasks!  The flask became a prop too, making me smile when I thought of my friend’s & my inside joke.

 

On a less silly note, I was very close to my granddad.  Butterflies are something we share (see the story in this post), & because of that, I have a small butterfly tattoo on my right ankle.  I also have a pretty yellow butterfly key chain, butterfly earrings & other various butterfly things.  Often when I’m around my mother, I look at or touch my butterfly items for comfort.

 

When you have to deal with the narcissist in your life, what prop can you keep handy to help you get through?  The item you carry doesn’t have to be anything fancy- just something that inspires you or makes you smile.  Preferably something small that can fit in your pocket, so you can touch it easily.

 

Most importantly though, never forget to pray before you must deal with the narcissist.  God will give you whatever you need- strength, courage, wisdom, etc.

 

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Narcissists Want Everyone, Including You, To Believe That You Are The Problem

A very common tactic of narcissistic parents is to make the child & everyone else believe that the child is the problem behind the family’s dysfunction.  This tactic of discrediting & blaming the child serves a twofold purpose.

Purpose #1 is to be sure that all attention is focused on the child so the narcissistic parent can abuse her child unnoticed.  People are so busy looking at the child’s bad behavior, they don’t notice what the parent does to the child to make the child act out.  They also won’t believe the child if she says anything about what the parent does to her.  After all, the narcissistic mother has everyone convinced the child is a liar, disobedient, rebellious, etc. so why would anyone believe what that child has to say?

Purpose #2 is to create so much doubt in the child, that she doesn’t have time to focus on what is being done to her.  She spends so much time thinking about what her narcissistic mother says she is doing wrong, how she can change, what she can do to please her narcissistic mother & more, that she doesn’t question the abuse that is being done to her.

I went through this with my mother as a teenager.  Her friends who once liked me suddenly wouldn’t even make eye contact with me anymore.  One so-called friend of my mother’s even gave me a lecture one day on how lucky I was to have a mother who loved me so much.  I needed to start behaving myself for a change & stop making her life so hard.  (Interestingly, just before that call, my mother had been screaming at me, accusing me of terrible things that I didn’t do.  I sure didn’t feel so lucky!)  I knew I couldn’t say anything to any of them about what my mother was doing to me, because they believed her.

At the time, it hurt me badly.  I liked some of my mother’s friends, & was hurt when they no longer liked me.  In time though, I realized that although it hurt, it wasn’t a bad thing to lose such people.  Normal, intelligent people wouldn’t blindly have believed my mother.  I’d always been a well-behaved, quiet child, so why didn’t anyone question my mother when she said I was doing such outrageous things as taking drugs or having sex with the entire high school football team?  Such things were completely out of character for me- you would think someone would have said so to her, or maybe questioned me.  Neither happened however.  Losing people who so readily believed the worst of me really wasn’t a big loss.

If this has happened to you, please think about what I said in the previous paragraph.  I know it can hurt when people assume you are the problem, but truly, losing people like that isn’t always a bad thing.  You need & deserve people in your life who love you, not people who blindly believe something bad about you then judge & criticize you.  In a way, your narcissistic mother did you a favor.  She helped you to weed out the unsafe people in your life.  Looking at the situation that way can help to take a great deal of the hurt out of the situation.

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Book Sale!

Save $5 on every $25 or more print book order from my publisher.  Use code SAVE5 at checkout.  Sale ends March 25.

Visit my online store at: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

 

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Brain Injuries & Narcissism

Certain problems with the brain can cause narcissistic behaviors or exacerbate ones that already exist.

 

Dementia & Alzheimer’s disease exacerbate the symptoms.  If a narcissist develops either disease, even if they have changed for the better prior to their diagnosis, chances are very good that their narcissistic behavior will return with a vengeance.  If you think about it, it makes sense this would happen.  As the brain health deteriorates, the person will become more frustrated with being able to accomplish & articulate less & less.  They have unmet needs which will make them focus more on how to get those needs met & how to tell others they need the needs met.  An already self-centered person will become even more so.  Plus, as they deteriorate, this is a huge narcissistic injury.  As they lose their looks & talents, it makes them angry like any narcissistic injury does, & they lash out.

 

Brain injuries, such as concussions or other traumatic brain injuries, also can create or exacerbate narcissistic behaviors too.

 

Until the past couple of years, little was known about traumatic brain injuries or TBIs.  Thankfully, more is known now, & many people are starting realize the severity of TBIs & its list of awful symptoms.  Some symptoms may include:

 

  • short term memory loss
  • comprehension problems
  • reduced attention span
  • confusion
  • personality changes (such as once being optimistic, but becoming pessimistic after the TBI)
  • vision changes
  • headaches
  • sleep troubles
  • dizziness &/or  vertigo
  • irritability
  • angry outbursts
  • nausea
  • sensory changes (sensitivity to light or sound for example)
  • if the TBI happens to a child, he or she may stop maturing emotionally beyond the age the TBI occurred.

 

Having had a TBI myself, I have a lot of these symptoms.  In fact, I feel like a very different person than I was before the accident.  My personality has changed so much.  And, yes, I am much more selfish than I was previously.  I believe it also caused me to develop Dependent Personality Disorder.  Once I was very independent, now I depend a lot on my husband.  I also don’t enjoy as much alone time as I once did.  I get lonely sometimes, which is something I never did before.

 

I thank God though because He has taught me so much about narcissism!  If He hadn’t done so, I believe my behavior would have taken a narcissistic turn.

 

If a person grows up seeing narcissistic behavior from one or both parents, that is the norm.  It’s all they know.  They see narcissists getting whatever they want.  If that person gets a TBI, chances are they will become more self-centered.  If that self-centered thinking is quite severe, it seems like going into narcissism is a natural course of events.  After all, they see a narcissist getting anything she wants- what she does works.  If it works for the narcissist, it should work for the TBI victim as well.  It’s only logical.

 

If you or someone you know has a brain injury or disease, cognitive behavioral therapy (talk therapy) may be a very good idea.  A professional can help you work through what you’re feeling & develop healthy ways to cope.  And remember, sometimes it takes going through a few counselors before you find one you’re comfortable with.

 

If you are dealing with someone like this, you’re in a very challenging position.  I understand totally- my father has Alzheimer’s.  There are no easy answers for you.  What works for one person may not work for another.  You will need to draw nearer to God than ever.  Listen to His promptings.  Your gut feelings are His promptings trying to lead you the right way.  Pick your battles wisely.  Some things simply are NOT worth a fight.  Don’t forget to protect yourself, too.  Yes, this person is sick & can only control their actions to a degree or maybe not at all, but you still need to protect yourself from physical or mental danger.  If you’re a caregiver, there are options out there to get help.  Your local Department of Aging or churches can help.  There are plenty of support groups available also for those caring for someone with Alzheimer’s & dementia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Books Are On Sale- Today Only!

My print book & sometimes ebook publisher is offering a really good sale but it’s today only.  All print books are 25% off, ebooks 5% off!  Use code AMAZING16 at checkout!

 

You can see my books for sale & free ebooks at this link: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

 

 

 

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Accepting That Your Suffering May Never Be Acknowledged

One thing I think all victims of narcissistic abuse would love is to have their abuser acknowledge the damage they have done, & genuinely apologize for it.  In fact, some feel they can’t heal or forgive without such actions.

Unfortunately, abusers, narcissists in particular, aren’t exactly the most compassionate people you’ll ever meet.  The chances of them owning up to what they have done are practically non existent.  (The only reason I think there may be even a slim chance is because of Matthew 19:26, that says with God, all things are possible.)

You need to accept the fact that the person who abused you most likely will never acknowledge hurting you or apologize for what she did.  I know it is hard & painful, but it is easier than continuing to wait for the acknowledgement you want.  Expecting a narcissist to acknowledge what they have done will only lead to great disappointment & frustration for you.

To help you accept this ugly truth, I urge you to learn as much as you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The more you know about NPD, the more you will understand the narcissist in your life.  Understanding it will also help you to grasp why an apology or acknowledgement from that person is not going to happen.

Pray.  Tell God how you feel & ask Him to comfort you.  He will listen & comfort you gladly!

Don’t let other people define you!  If you do, not getting the acknowledgement & apology you want will devastate you.  You will feel something is wrong with you instead of the narcissist, which is completely WRONG!  Just because a person won’t acknowledge the damage they have done to you doesn’t mean you are the problem.  Some people simply refuse to do this.  They cannot handle the guilt of what they have done, so rather than fess up to it, they will pretend it never happened or accuse you of making things up.  Isn’t it obvious that you are not the problem?

On the off chance you do get an apology from the narcissist, examine it carefully!  Often narcissists use a passive/aggressive apology just to shut their victim up (“I’m sorry you feel that way”).  The expectation is that you will hear an apology, & forgive & forget.  They aren’t truly sorry if they use the passive/aggressive apology at all.  Or, they may say they are sorry, but are looking for reassurance for you, which is narcissistic supply.  If you say, “It’s ok, I understand” & they persist on saying why what they have done is bad, basically they are pushing you into reassuring them that they are forgiven, & they are looking for you to provide narcissistic supply.

And, never forget…if you confront a narcissist, you may be attacked. It doesn’t matter how valid your claims, they often turn the tables on anyone who dares to criticize them. They will do anything to protect the image they portray of themselves.

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How To Be Blessed

There is an easy way to secure God’s blessings over your life, & sadly not many people will do it.  It’s called tithing.

 

I know, the word tithing doesn’t exactly encourage joy.  So many greedy preachers have demanded their congregation give them money that the word has become tainted to some people.  I get it.  I’ve felt the same way.  But, I encourage you to forget what you knew of tithing & keep reading.

 

Malachi 3:10-12:  “10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My
house, And try Me now in this,” Says the Lord of hosts, “If I will not open
for you the windows of heaven And pour out for you such blessing That
there will not be room enough to receive it. 11 “And I will rebuke the
devourer for your sakes, So that he will not destroy the fruit of your
ground, Nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field,” Says the
Lord of hosts; 12 “And all nations will call you blessed, For you will be a
delightful land,” Says the Lord of hosts.”   (KJV)

 

These wonderful verses contain promises that I have seen in action in my own life.  Since I began tithing seriously in 2015, God truly has blessed me.  When we thought we wouldn’t have enough money to pay some bills, money suddenly showed up.  When our taxes for 2015 were done, I was sure that we would owe state & federal, as we have for the last few years, yet instead, we learned we were getting money back.  And, when doing those taxes, I had to find out the date our health insurance stopped coverage in 2015.  That day was the day after I went to the emergency room!  My trip to the ER was covered- if it’d been only a few hours later, it wouldn’t have been covered & we would’ve owed thousands of dollars we didn’t have.

 

Giving God the 10% He asks for seems to not only protect what you have, but also to make that 90% go much further.  It’s absolutely amazing!

 

When I started to tithe, honestly I wasn’t sure if it’d work for me because I don’t go to church.  Because of that, I figured the next best thing was to send money to the preachers on television I watch regularly- Jesse Duplantis, TD Jakes & Josh McDowell.  So far so good!  In fact, Jesse Duplantis is the one I’ve learned the most about giving & tithing from.  He has great revelation in this area, plus he’s not one of those televangelists who constantly tries to get people to send him money.  I thought these things made him the perfect person to learn from.

Jesse Duplantis wrote a fantastic little book entitled, “Why Isn’t My Giving Working?”  A while back, I read it & took notes on it.  I really recommend buying the book for yourself (it’s available on his website, http://www.JDM.org)  but to give you some insight into the book, below are some notes I took on it a while back.  I hope this information blesses you as much as it has me.  xoxo

 

Why Isn’t My Giving Working?  by Jesse Duplantis

 

I.What God has said:
A. God said, be fruitful- which mans always producing.
B. God said, multiply- which means always increasing.
C. God said, replenish- which means fill & refill.
D. God said, subdue- which means control your environment or it will control
you.
E. God cares about giving & honor, because they reveal the condition of the
heart.

II.The four types of giving:
A. The Tithe
B. Firstfruits
C. Alms
D. Seed

III.The tithe:
A. The tithe is God’s portion; it is our connection to the blessing, which is our
portion.
B. Tithing holds God to His promise to open the windows of Heaven & to
rebuke the devourer. The devourer is anything that comes up that makes you
spend money you don’t want to spend.
C. God is trying to get us the blessings He talks about in Malachi 3:10-12:
“10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My
house, And try Me now in this,” Says the Lord of hosts, “If I will not open
for you the windows of heaven And pour out for you such blessing That
there will not be room enough to receive it. 11 “And I will rebuke the
devourer for your sakes, So that he will not destroy the fruit of your
ground, Nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field,” Says the
Lord of hosts; 12 “And all nations will call you blessed, For you will be a
delightful land,” Says the Lord of hosts.”
D. Use this verse to remind God of His promises when you pray about your
tithe. Have faith He will keep His promises.

IV.First fruits.
A. First fruits are the first part of an increase. Example: you get a raise at
work that means you’ll get $50 more per week. Give God the first $50 raise.
B. Proverbs 3:9-10 “9 Honor the Lord with your possessions, And with
the firstfruits of all your increase; 10 So your barns will be filled with
plenty, And your vats will overflow with new wine.”
C. First fruits are only given once- the first of any increase, not income.
D. The first fruits offering is heart-driven, & given as a direct form of
gratitude to God.

V.Alms
A. Alms are given to the poor & those in need.
B. God’s rate of return is “repayment” on alms, not abundance. Proverbs
19:17 “ He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, And He will pay
back what he has given.”
C. If I give alms but don’t tithe, even the repayment God promises could be
devoured on its way back to me.
D. Give quietly- don’t advertise your giving or make the recipient feel bad or
that they owe you for your generosity. Protect the dignity of the recipient!
Remember, God sees what you’re doing- let that be enough. Alms should be
given with love, not for attention from man or God.

VI.Seed
A. The motivation is faith & reward. It is the only way the 30, 60 or 100-fold
harvest can be received, provided you sow into good ground. Mark 4:3-9
(Jesus speaking) “3 “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow. 4 And it
happened, as he sowed, that some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds
of the air[a] came and devoured it. 5 Some fell on stony ground, where it
did not have much earth; and immediately it sprang up because it had no
depth of earth. 6 But when the sun was up it was scorched, and because it
had no root it withered away. 7 And some seed fell among thorns; and the
thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. 8 But other seed fell
on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up, increased and
produced: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.” 9 And He
said to them,[b] “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!”
B. Good soil is a place that is growing & doing what it has set out to do.
C. Seed sowing is the best route to debt cancellation. Not only in cash
received, but debts being cancelled miraculously.

VII.Miscellaneous Notes
A. Sow with purpose- to be obedient & to love God.
B. Haphazard giving leads to haphazard results.
C. Never dismiss the blessings God gives you. Praise & thank Him for them!
D. Be joyous in giving, wondering what God is going to do for you & others
next.
E. While waiting on God to make good on His promises, stand strong knowing
He will do what He says He will. Ephesians 6:13-14 “13 Therefore take up
the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day,
and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your
waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,”
F. Don’t mix up your giving. For example, don’t take your tithe, & give it as a
seed.
G. Don’t be moved emotionally into giving something you purposed for another
area. Tithes stay tithes, alms stay alms, etc. 2 Corinthians 9:7 “7 So let
each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity;
for God loves a cheerful giver.”
H. If you do not give God’s way, He is under no obligation to bless you in the
way you want to be blessed.
I. To start giving, start tithing. Give more as you can afford to do so, no
matter how small your giving may be. Amount isn’t important. God will bless
your giving.
J. Don’t worry if your seed is small- it does not have to be big to work so long
as your purpose & motivation are accurate.
1. The tithe: motive is obedience.
2. First fruits: motive is generosity.
3. Alms: motive is compassion.
4. Seed: motive is faith & reward.

 

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Narcissists Care More About Strangers Than Their Families

Narcissists simply do NOT care about anyone but themselves.

 

  • When I got into therapy at age 17, my mother cared more about what I was telling the therapist than the fact I felt so badly I sought therapy.
  • When I told my parents I was divorcing my ex husband, my father’s first words were, “Can he & I still be friends?”
  • My cousin once confronted our narcissistic grandmother (my maternal grandmother) about many lies she had told & other hurtful things she had done.  As my cousin was sitting there, crying openly, our grandmother ignored her tears.  She instead demanded that my cousin tell her who would say such things about her (aka, the truth).

 

Do scenarios like this sound somewhat familiar to you?

 

If so, please know that you are not alone.  This is typical narcissistic behavior, caring more about themselves than you, even if you are hurt or going through something devastating.  It truly is no reflection on you or anything you have done.

 

If you can accept that this awful behavior is typical & it’s really not about you, it can help you a great deal.  It takes much of the pain out of the awful things the narcissist in your life has said & done to you.  Instead of taking their abuse personally, you understand that they have problems, & are attempting to put those problems on you.  You have done nothing wrong & you are OK!  The narcissist, however, is dysfunctional, & unfortunately, you were chosen to be a casualty of that dysfunction.

 

This probably sounds strange, but it really has worked for me.  It’s been a very helpful coping technique when dealing with my mother in particular.  It has helped me release a lot of the hurt I’ve felt when she has put herself ahead of me.  Yes, this behavior proves she doesn’t care about me which hurts, but it also proves how incredibly dysfunctional she is.  It also reaffirms that she is narcissistic, which means she is incapable of caring for anyone- it isn’t something wrong with me, but instead with her.

 

Not that accepting this behavior is typical makes it OK.  Nothing makes it OK.  It’s hurtful & dysfunctional, never doubt that!  You also do not need to tolerate it, & are well within your rights to tell the narcissist they are hurting you if you think that will help your situation.  My only point in discussing this topic with you today is to help you: to help you to release the hurt over times this has happened & to not be so hurt when it happens again if you are still in a relationship with the narcissist.

 

 

 

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Do You Avoid Depending On & Trusting People?

Something else I recently learned was about counter dependency- another common issue in victims of abuse.

 

Counter dependency is where a person has issues trusting other people.  They avoid depending on, opening up to or trusting others.  They appear extremely independent, even pushing other people away.  Often they have a deep fear of intimacy & fear asking for any help.  When you consider what the typical childhood experiences of a child of a narcissistic parent are, this behavior makes sense.  Narcissistic parents don’t care about their child’s feelings & needs, basically forcing their child to be independent of them.  For a child, being pushed away by a parent is devastating.  She learns early in life not to trust other people.

 

After reading about counter dependency, I realized this describes me very well.  As an example, if my husband & I have a disagreement, I shut down with him.  If he later asks how I am, my answer is always fine.  What did I do today?  Not much.  I let him talk about his day at work or anything else he wants to, but I divulge little to no information about myself.  It happens so automatically, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until the last couple of weeks. It took some more time for me to learn this behavior has a name.

 

As of now, I’m not entirely sure how to change this dysfunctional behavior.  I am only guessing, but I think talking about my experiences would help.  Mostly with God of course- He is always the best place to start- but also with safe people or writing about it in my journal.  Talking, praying or writing about things can bring a clarity to you, & enable you to understand why you are behaving in a dysfunctional way.  And of course, once you understand the root of your behavior, you can understand the truth which is you don’t need to behave that way.  You can behave in a healthier way.

 

As I learn about counter dependency, I’ll share what I learn.  We can learn & grow together!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

A Frequent Problem Among Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

Recently I learned something very interesting & also useful for those of us affected by narcissistic abuse.  We are very prone to Cluster C personality disorders.

 

Cluster C personality disorders involve OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Avoidant Personality Disorder & Dependent Personality Disorder:

 

  • OCD involves obsessive, perfectionistic type thoughts.  We need consistency, organization & routine.
  • APD means we are so socially anxious, we avoid social interaction as much as possible.  We are deathly afraid of ridicule or criticism.  We also have very low self esteem.
  • DPD involves indecisiveness, the need for reassurance, clingy behavior, & a fear of being alone.

 

If this describes you, please know you are not alone.  After reading this information, I realized these disorders describe me very well.  I would feel very safe in assuming it’s not just me.  These traits describe so many of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse that I have talked to.

 

There is also one positive note in that personality disorders describe behavior, which means they can be changed.  Personality disorders describe a behavior rather than physical brain damage, so that means they can be changed.

 

So how do you change these dysfunctional & unhealthy behaviors?  In all honesty, I’m not really sure.  Since I just learned about Cluster C disorders, I really don’t know much about them just yet.  I do know, though, that God is the best place to start dealing with any problem.  Since I just learned this information earlier today, I plan to spend some time in prayer later today when I have some uninterrupted private time to try to figure out where to start.  I’m going out on a limb here to say I think God will want me to start with asking Him to tell me the truth.  “Do I really need to be so anxious around other people?  Is it right for me to be so perfectionisitic, so hard on myself?  What is the real truth in these situations?”  (as an example).  That is always a great place to start, listening to God tell you the truth.  He will, & His words are full of healing power.

 

I’m sorry I don’t have more information to share at this moment, but I will share as I learn.    Hopefully it will benefit you as well as me, Dear Readers!  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism