When Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Marry

Often, two people who were raised by narcissistic parents marry each other when they grow up.  Ideally, they understand each other’s past, offer support & help each other cope if their parents are still a part of their lives.  Sadly though, this isn’t always the case.

Sometimes when two adult children of narcissistic parents marry, they learn each person is on a very different page.  One is trying to be healthy while the other remains in denial of just how toxic his or her parents are.  This is hardly an easy position to be in for either person.

If you are in this painful situation, I hope this post can help you today!

To start with, you need to pray.  Ask God for any help you need to cope with the situation, whether it be patience, understanding, wisdom or anything.  Prayer is always the best place to start in any difficult situation, & situations don’t get much more difficult than this one!

Next, you need to accept that you & your partner are in a different place.  Your spouse may never see the truth about their parents.  They also may never see the truth about yours, for that matter.  You can’t change this, so you need to accept that painful truth.

You also need to accept that you can’t change your partner.  As much as you’d like to, you can’t make him or her see the truth.  We all have to face the truth as we are able.  Forcing someone to see the truth before they’re ready isn’t good for their mental health. 

You may need to stop discussing anything about your parents with each other to avoid conflict.  I know this is incredibly frustrating because you should be able to discuss any topic with your spouse.  In an ideal world, that is how things are.  Unfortunately though, when dealing with two fallible human beings, that isn’t always feasible.  If discussing anything about parents causes strife, it may be best to find someone else with which to discuss the problems.  A close friend or relative, your pastor or even a counselor may be a much better option for you. 

If you have issues with your spouse’s narcissistic parent, unfortunately, you can’t expect support from your spouse if he or she doesn’t see that parent is narcissistic.  Don’t expect it from him or her.  I realize this goes against what is natural & is very painful & hard to accept, but you need to do it anyway.  Accepting this painful truth is hard, but it is easier than to be disappointed in your spouse repeatedly.

You also will need to find ways to deal with your narcissistic in-laws on your own, & chances are slim your spouse will approve of how you deal with them.  This is tricky.  There is no way to avoid your spouse’s anger in this situation.  The best you can do is to remain calm when dealing with your awful in-laws & your spouse.  Also be logical when your spouse gets angry.  If he or she says you’re hurting the narcissistic parent, for example, you can say that parent has hurt you too.  Why was that acceptable behavior but you setting a reasonable boundary to protect yourself wasn’t? 

Never forget to take care of yourself & your mental health.  A spouse in denial can be very good at making the healthier spouse feel as if they are wrong, over sensitive or even crazy.  Don’t buy into this gaslighting!  You are doing what is right by facing the truth about your narcissistic parents & in-laws.  Don’t let anyone, including your spouse, convince you otherwise!

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

How Narcissists Abuse Without Lifting A Finger

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Sale On My Print Books!

My publisher is offering 10% off on my print books until October 30, 2020. Just use code SPOOKY10 at checkout.

Here is the link to my author spotlight on my publisher’s site:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Animals, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Identifying Victims From Narcissists Who Pretend To Be Victims

Many narcissists, in particular covert ones, love to portray themselves as victims no matter how badly they have abused someone.  They prefer to hide behind the mask of innocent victim than to show people the ugly truth, that they are evil & abusive.  Unfortunately countless people fall for their victim act.  Real victims act very differently, & those who have bought a narcissist’s victim act think this means the real victim is the one faking it, not the narcissist.  

People need to be able to identify a genuine victim from a narcissist’s victim act in order to avoid being pulled into a narcissist’s abusive web.  I think this can be especially beneficial when applied to people met online.  So many victims join support groups & forums looking to meet others who share their experiences only to learn someone they met in one of those places is actually a narcissist.  

There are some behaviors narcissists do that give away the fact that they aren’t real victims. One thing they do is only tell their side of the story.  What I mean is narcissists will talk about how the other person yelled at them or called the police on them, yet not share any information on what led up to that scenario.  They make it sound like the other person just snapped suddenly for no good reason, & attacked them.  A real victim doesn’t do that.  They tell the entire story, not leaving out selected parts that might make them look bad.

Along those lines, if a narcissist feels they must mention some bad behavior they have done, they make excuses for it.  For example, say they hit their victim in a fit of rage.  They will find ways to blame the other person for making them hit them.  Or, they will excuse it away, maybe saying the other person hit them first.  A real victim doesn’t make excuses or blame others for their bad actions.  They admit their bad behavior & accept responsibility for what they have done, no matter how ashamed of it they are.

Narcissists also turn any conversation back to their situation, even when speaking with victims such as in an online group.  Real victims support each other.  Sure, they share examples from their own life some, but they keep the focus on the person doing the talking.

Narcissists talk about the situation over & over.  They tell their story to anyone who will listen, even if the listener isn’t interested.  They seem to want to tell everyone how badly they were treated.  Real victims don’t talk to anyone & everyone about their story.  They are selective with whom they discuss their situation.  Even if they are like me & write publicly about it, when it comes to discussing it, they still are selective.

Narcissists want pity.  They want to be seen as a completely innocent victim who did nothing to deserve what was done to them, so people will pity them.  Real victims don’t look for pity.  Empathy is great as is support, but pity isn’t something real victims want.

Narcissists expect everyone to understand their plight & offer them validation.  Real victims aren’t like that.  They know not everyone can relate to their situation.  They know not everyone will care that they were abused.  They don’t need external validation.  They know what they have been through, & that is enough for them.

Everyone needs to be aware of these behaviors in others, in particular victims of narcissistic abuse.  Not everyone who says they were abused by a narcissist is truly a victim.  There are plenty of wolves in sheep’s clothing out there, who look for true victims to meet the sick needs they have.  Consider a person’s behavior rather than blindly believing someone who tells you they are a victim of abuse.

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

A Way To Stump A Narcissist

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

People Can Say Cruel Things When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying Or Has Died

Three years ago on the 23rd of this month, my father died.  Naturally the date gets me thinking of that terrible time.  I thought I would share some thoughts that might help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.

When a narcissistic parent dies, it’s highly likely that you are NOT going to be prepared for what you feel.  I certainly wasn’t.  When my father died in October, 2017, I was sad, but I felt that I’d grieved him enough while he was alive that there wasn’t much left.  Yet, when my mother died just shy of eighteen months later, I was utterly devastated.  I have spoken with other adult children of narcissistic parents who felt nothing when their parents died or only felt relief.  I also have met others whose reactions lay somewhere in the middle of devastated & numb.  All reactions are normal in such an abnormal situation.

What makes this difficult time even more difficult is other people.  The death or even pending death of a narcissistic parent seems to make most people think they need to share their opinions on your situation with you, whether or not you want to hear it.

As narcissistic parents age, their adult children often hear things like, “Your parent is getting old.. you shouldn’t be so hard on him or her.” or, “You haven’t spoken to your parent in how long?!  How do you think you’re going to feel when your parent dies?”  Yet, no one ever asks narcissistic parents anything like this.  They should ask these people not to be so hard on their children or how they think they will feel if they die without trying to make amends with their children.  This never happens though.

This baffles me.  Why do abusive parents get a free pass?  Why is it supposedly the job of their victims, their own children, to make them feel that it’s ok they were abusive jerks?  Everything is supposed to be the responsibility of their children all their lives, including at the time of the parents’ death.  Why is that anyway?  In fact, when my father was dying, one of my cousins told me I needed to say good bye to him so he could die in peace.  Such unadulterated gall isn’t it?  Not only because she barely knew me (& him too for that matter), but to try to put such a big burden on me that wasn’t even my burden to bear!

Such thoughtless & rude comments make the time surrounding a narcissistic parent’s death even more difficult than it already is.  When you’re in a difficult place, your emotions are more sensitive & even raw than usual.  Dealing with comments like these can be rough at this particular time, even if you could ignore them any other time.

When in such a situation, you need to remember that you are in a bad situation.  It’s normal to feel upset by stupid, insensitive & cruel comments but it’s especially normal to feel overly upset considering the circumstances you’re in at the time.  Remind yourself of that.  You’re ok!  Really!

Also remind yourself that what these people say isn’t necessarily true or accurate at all.  Everyone has their own opinions & see things through the lens of their own experiences.  They see things differently than you, so their opinions may not be valuable to you.  There are also people in the world who are evil, & are more than happy to hurt others.  Many of those people are flying monkeys who blindly support even the most malignant narcissists.  Whichever the case, don’t blindly accept what other’s say!  Consider what they say before accepting their words as true or false.

Lastly, cling to God.  You are going to need Him more than ever during this time.  He is the only reason I’ve gotten through the deaths of my parents with any sanity in tact, let alone thrived.  What He did for me, He will do for you as well.  xoxo

16 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Emotions After The Death Of A Narcissistic Parent

When a narcissistic parent dies, many who write about this topic assume all victims have the same experience when their narcissistic parent dies.  This is incredibly WRONG!

Many who lose a narcissistic parent are relieved that their parent is gone.  They are finally free from the abuse, & the joy over that overrides any other emotion.

Others who lose a narcissistic parent are devastated.  Their parent’s death symbolizes the loss of all hope for things to be better.  Even if they accepted there was no hope for the relationship, death finalizes that.  It squashes any potential, no matter how small, for things to be better.  That can be devastating.

Still others experience numbness when their narcissistic parent dies.  They have grieved for their parent so much while he or she was alive that when that parent dies, they have nothing left to give emotionally. 

Having lost both of my narcissistic parents as well as spoken to many others who lost theirs, I have learned something valuable that I believe can help anyone in this position.

Anything is normal after a narcissistic parent dies. 

Whether you miss your parent or not.  Whether you are overwhelmed or not.  Even if you go totally numb to the loss.  It’s all normal!  There’s no one size fits all way for people to grieve such a death.  Everyone processes this situation differently.  In fact, even if you have two narcissistic parents, you may grieve them both differently.  I did.  When my father died in October, 2017, I barely shed a tear for him even to this day.  I had grieved a lot for him while he was still alive, so I really had very little left to feel when he died. 

Almost exactly eighteen months later in April, 2019, my mother died.  Her death devastated me.  It truly shook me to my core.  I was in shock for quite some time after her passing.  When the shock began to wear off, I experienced the gamut of emotions.  There was a lot of anger, sadness, confusion & relief. 

And you know something?  Even though I experienced vastly different emotions after each parent died, what I experienced was normal!

The relationship a person has with each of their parents is unique.  Even if both parents are narcissists, they are still unique individuals which means the relationship with each parent is also unique.

Not to mention, in most cases when two narcissists marry, one is an overt narcissist while the other is covert.  That simple fact alone changes the dynamic of any relationship due to how each type of narcissist treats their victim.

If you have lost a narcissistic parent or even two narcissistic parents, chances are you will feel like you’re going crazy.  You aren’t!  Whatever you feel is normal.  Yes, it feels otherwise but the situation is abnormal.  You can’t expect to feel normal in an abnormal situation.  Accept your feelings without judgment, & process them however works best for you.  Journal, cry, write angry letters, talk to a non-judgmental friend or therapist. 

If someone you know has lost a narcissistic parent or two, don’t make any assumptions.  Even if you have been in a similar situation, your friend may not feel as you do. 

Also, don’t assume someone misses their parents or hates their parent.  Remember, everyone is different.  Make no assumptions.  Just listen to your friend without judgment & with an open mind.  Make sure this person knows you are there, you love them, you won’t criticize whatever they are feeling & you are willing to help them if at all possible.

Whether you are in the position of having lost a narcissistic parent or are supporting someone who has, the best thing you can do is to pray.  Let God guide you in how to cope or how to help.  You need this from Him & He will be glad to help!

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Commonly Used Gaslighting Phrases

Gaslighting is an especially insidious form of abuse that makes a victim doubt their memories, perceptions, reality & sometimes even their sanity.  Narcissists love to use it due to the fact that people who live with frequent gaslighting are easy to control.  After all, if a person doesn’t trust themselves, they will look elsewhere for whatever information they need, even to an abusive person who is the reason they no longer trust themselves.

Gaslighting can be very subtle, which means it can be difficult to identify.  Below are some commonly used phrases narcissists use to gaslight their victims.

“You’re crazy.”  Either said outright or implied with phrases like, “You need help.”  This phrase can make a person doubt their sanity when repeated often enough & with certainty.

“You’re over sensitive or overreacting.”  Another common gaslighting phrase.  This is said to make a victim feel shame for being upset at what the abuser has said or done.  Few things will shut a person down faster than shame, & when they are shut down, they won’t complain about the abuse.

“I was just kidding!”  This phrase is closely related to “You’re oversensitive.”  It is designed to create doubt.  The victim is supposed to think they overreacted or are too sensitive or stupid to realize the comment was just a joke.  The truth is however that it was nothing of the sort.

“You need to get over it!”  This phrase basically tells a victim that they are wrong for still being upset about whatever the abuser did that upset them.  Narcissists want their victims to tolerate abuse indefinitely & without complaint.  If they can make their victim feel badly about themselves or even ashamed for being upset, then they have an excellent chance of getting the victim to continue to tolerate abuse.

“It didn’t happen that way!”  This phrase can be used in a couple of ways.  The first & most obvious of course is to make a victim doubt their perception & believe the narcissists’s version of events.  The other use may be the narcissist’s lack of coping skills coming into play.  The narcissist may be ashamed of something they said or did, not because it hurt the victim, but because it may make the narcissist look bad if the victim tells others about what happened.  In order to avoid that, the narcissist may try to convince themselves & the victim that it didn’t happen that way, it happened this very different way instead.  This way will involve the narcissist not acting badly or the victim doing something to provoke the narcissist to do what they did.

“That never happened!”  Denial is a very commonly used tool with narcissists.  If they can get their victim to believe that something never happened, that person won’t tell others what the narcissist has done.

“No one else would feel that way./ You’re the only person in the world who would feel that way.”  This phrase is another way for narcissists to shame victims by making them feel they are weird, wrong, broken.  If they can shame a victim enough, the victim will stop complaining about the abuse & tolerate it quietly.

“I’m only doing this because I love you.”  My mother used to justify abusing me by telling me it was “tough love” she was using on me & I deserved it because of my terrible behavior.  That is all this phrase is – a way for a narcissist to justify being abusive.

“No one will ever love you like I do.”  My ex husband told me this once, & I thank God he was right about that!  The phrase is said to make a victim feel that they are lucky to have the narcissist’s love, because no one else ever could or would care about them.

When the narcissist in your life says such things to gaslight you, keep in mind that is exactly what these phrases are, gaslighting.  That means there isn’t an ounce of truth in them at all.  If you have doubts, ask yourself why do you think the narcissist is right.  Or better yet, ask God to tell you the truth in this situation.

Keep a journal.  If you haven’t done this before, do it now.  Write down what the narcissist says.  Seeing things in writing can bring about a great deal of clarity.  Often, it makes things clearer than simply talking or thinking about them.

Always remember, the narcissist says these things to manipulate you & to keep you down.  Don’t give the narcissist that satisfaction!

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

What You Can Expect After Going No Contact, part 2

2 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

About Ending A Relationship With A Narcissist

In spite of how it may seem, in spite of the many similarities most narcissists share, when it comes to ending a relationship with a narcissist, each situation is unique.

This is what makes the common advice, “Just go no contact” very bad advice, in my opinion.  While it’s true that ending the relationship is often the only solution for a victim, that process shouldn’t be done so glibly, with no real thought put into it.

Ending any relationship creates a narcissistic injury in a person. In other words, it’s a blow to the self esteem when someone tells you they don’t want you in their life any longer.  While functional people are hurt & angry, they get through.  Narcissists, however, aren’t like functional people.  They rage.  They often spread vicious lies about their victim in a smear campaign designed to do the most possible damage to their reputation.  They also are known for harassing their victims so badly, they sometimes wear the victim down to the point of returning to the relationship.  Anything to make the constant influx of phone calls, texts, emails, etc. stop.  Other narcissists have no problem stalking their victim or even physically hurting or killing them.

These reasons are why although no contact is usually the best solution when it comes to a realtionship with a narcissist, how you get to that point must be done with great wisdom & planning.

As always, I recommend prayer as the best place to start.  God can help you like no one can simply because He knows things no other human knows.

From what I have seen, in these situations, God gives one of three answers:

  1. “End it now.  Just walk away.”
  2. “Not yet… I will tell you when & how.”
  3. “Don’t end it.”

“End it now” is the easiest.  You simply block the narcissist’s access to you at every turn.  Usually, they walk away & find a new victim, not caring they lost you.  This solution usually is best for narcissists who are lower on the spectrum or who have a lot of people in their life.

“Not yet” is what happened with my parents.  That was tough because I really wanted the relationship over, yet also knew I had to wait on God’s timing.  I also wasn’t sure how to end it, but He showed me.  Although waiting in these situations is really hard, it also is well worth it.  If you follow God’s lead, you will have peace not only about ending the relationship but how you choose to end it.  That peace is so important!  And, by following God’s lead, you will receive the minimal amount of abuse from the narcissist once you end that relationship.

“Don’t end it” may be the most challenging answer of all but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid answer.  I’ve known a few people who received this answer.  Rather than ending the relationship with the narcissist in their life, they made themselves as unappealing as possible to that narcissist & eventually that person ended the relationship with them.  This seems to be a good option for the most toxic of narcissists.  If a person can become so unappealing to their narcissist that the narcissist rejects them instead, they stand very little chance of retaliation from that narcissist.  The narcissist feels they have the power because they ended the relationship rather than the victim did.  In cases of malignant narcissists, this is a very good option because it will help a victim avoid the potential fallout of an especially vicious & even dangerous narcissistic rage.

Whatever you do when it comes to ending the relationship with the narcissist in your life, please be careful, be wise & most of all, follow God’s promptings.  You will get through this time with your safety & sanity in tact if you do those things.

7 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

About Being A New Creation In Christ

2 Corinthians 5:17 says that anyone who is born again is a new creation in Christ. I have learned though that other things can make a person feel almost as if they are reborn, just not quite to that same extreme.

This has happened twice in my life.  The first time was in February, 2015 when I nearly died from Carbon Monoxide Poisoning.  The poison made me pass out for about 25 minutes, & from what I understand from a doctor, usually people who are out for 20 minutes from carbon monoxide never wake up.  That was so hard to grasp!  Literally, I should have died but I survived!  Plus, the lack of oxygen that the poisoning creates often does permanent brain damage & I also suffered a concussion (I believe) from hitting my head when I passed out.  Both of these factors changed my personality quite drastically.  It was all a lot to get used to in addition to the long term physical symptoms.

The second time was when my mother died in April, 2019.  As the police told me that she had passed & I had to go to her home immediately to deal with having her remains taken to the funeral home, I felt this sensing that my life as I knew it was over.  That sensing turned out to be right!

Although both of these events were traumatic & very difficult, I came to realize something.  Although I’m not grateful they happened, I’m grateful for the changes they brought.

The changes in my personality from the poisoning mean I have no further tolerance whatsoever for abusive people.  As soon as someone starts showing signs of being controlling or manipulative, I kick them out of my life, usually without a word because people like that won’t realize they were wrong or change their behavior anyway.  I realized there’s no point in wasting my time.

I also got very protective of my husband & our little family.  I know first hand just how quickly life can end & won’t allow any threats to my loved ones.

When my mother died, something in me seemed to die too, but that isn’t a bad thing.  I no longer struggle so much with shame on a daily basis.  I’m also much less anxious in general now, however sometimes when I am anxious, it’s worse than it once was.  Somehow I’m able to cope with it pretty well.

I also learned that my mother is in Heaven, my prayers were answered.  God has seen fit to bless me by sharing some messages from her, which is just incredible.

Somehow along the way, I also lost the need for external validation.  I’ve gotten quite good at validating myself!  Sure, I backslide periodically, but it doesn’t happen often.

What has happened in your life that has made you feel as if you were reborn?  What changed after those moments?  I don’t mean the traumatic moments that changed you or contributed to you having PTSD or C-PTSD.  I mean life altering moments that although they were very hard to get through, eventually worked out well for you like mine did.

Some moments that can lead a person to feel this way include things like coming close to death or losing a loved one like me, but there are other things too.  Moving, ending or beginning a new relationship, changing jobs, changing careers, having a child, having a child leave home, caring for an elderly loved one… there is no end to the things that can alter a person’s life drastically.

If you have experienced the reborn feeling, I would like to urge you to consider the good that has come from the experience.  If you really think about it, I’m sure you can find some good in your situation.  I find great comfort when I learn my suffering had a purpose, & you may experience the same thing, which is why I hope you will do this.  xoxo

5 Comments

Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health

What You Can Expect After No Contact, part 1

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Narcissists Obsess Over Victims

One way narcissists lure victims into a relationship is by paying way too much attention to their victims.

Narcissistic friends & romantic partners alike commonly smother their new found interest (aka victim) with positive attention.  They cling very quickly to someone they just met.  They claim the new interest is their soul mate or they felt some sort of special connection the moment they met.  They shower this person with praise & often gifts as well.  They want to spend every possible moment together.

I have experienced this with friends as well as my ex husband.  I’ve met several people online who within a day or two of meeting me decided we needed to talk constantly.  Probably the first one was the worst.  I didn’t know about narcissism at the time & was flattered she thought so highly of me.  We used to speak on the phone often as well as via email.  When I didn’t respond to her call or email, she would get mad.  She’d claim she was just kidding when she said things like how dare I not call her back sooner than I did or “joke” about me being so busy when she clearly thought I never had anything to do.

I was young & naive, living with narcissistic parents when I met my ex husband.  He constantly told me how pretty, smart, etc. I was, how he waited all his life for someone like me & expected me to spend all of my free time with him.

Anyone can be extremely flattered when someone treats them this way, but the average functional person realizes quickly this behavior isn’t normal.  Those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents however are different.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means you have no concept of healthy boundaries.  Even if this person’s attention is overwhelming, you don’t feel you have the right to refuse it.  After all, the person is saying & doing what seems like the right things.  How can you refuse that?!

Also children of narcissistic parents are neglected.  Having someone pay positive attention feels good, & it’s about impossible to resist.

And, narcissistic parents don’t praise their children.  These children grow up starving for praise.  When someone comes along, showering them with praise, they can’t resist it.

If you grew up with narcissistic parents, you need to be aware of people like this who obsess over you.  They’re predators looking for a victim.

Sometimes people meet & they just “click” immediately.  My husband & I were that way.  The same with my best friend & I.  There was no obsessing though.  We talked often & were free with complements, but no one was offended if the other didn’t answer their phone call or call back immediately.  There was no talk of “soulmates” or anything similar in the very beginning or pressure to spend every waking moment together.

I’ve learned that children of narcissists need to be aware of people like this much more than the average person because of the natural weaknesses that come from being raised by narcissists.  I strongly recommend asking God for discernment with people to help you to figure out who is safe & who is not.

Listen to your gut feelings, too.  If something doesn’t feel right about someone, that feeling is there for a reason.

Pay attention to people’s actions, not only their words.  A person can say anything they want, whether it’s true or not.  A person’s actions tell you what is truly in their heart.

If you have doubts, talk to a safe, wise friend about your thoughts.  Sometimes an outsider can be very helpful in providing an objective opinion.

Remember, not everyone who pays attention to you truly cares about you.  They can be looking for your weaknesses & fears to exploit them & manipulate you.

7 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Some About Last Straw Moments With Narcissists

One thing most people who haven’t experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist fail to grasp is last straw moments.  In fact, they can be odd enough that even those of us who have experienced narcissistic relationships don’t always understand them.

Last straw moments are those things that a narcissist does that seals their fate with their victim.  The things may not be the worst thing they ever have done.  In fact, they may not be all that bad, especially in comparison to other things the narcissist has done.  They simply are something that makes a victim say “enough is enough!”

With my ex husband, it happened on our fourth wedding anniversary.  I’d told him I wanted a divorce probably a month prior.  He said I owed it to him to give him one last chance.  Being naive, I agreed to it.  Aside from moving out of his parents’ home, nothing changed.  On our anniversary, we watched television.  He suddenly said, “So you still want that divorce?”

With my mother, it happened when we had a huge argument in 2016 about me not telling my parents that my husband’s mother died.  They knew I didn’t speak to her or her two daughters.  I also was more concerned about my husband than my parents, especially since they spoke with my in-laws maybe four times in the 22 years we had been together at that time.  I naively thought they wouldn’t care about her passing other than concern for my husband.  I felt betrayed that my mother cared more about potentially upsetting my in-laws by not being there than me feeling her attendance would’ve shown she cared more for them than me.  When I told her how I felt, she acted like I was the one in the wrong, & was angry with me.  I couldn’t deal with her again.

Several months later, I went no contact with my father.  One day, my husband & I were having our back door replaced when suddenly my father showed up.  My husband told my father to leave, & after some harsh words, he did.  Twice the following week, he sent the police to do a wellness check, claiming my husband abused me & kept me from him.  My father sinking so low made me realize I’d never break no contact with him.

In all three scenarios, nothing they did was especially bad compared to their other actions.  Yet somehow, it also woke me up to how badly I needed to get away from such toxicity.

Chances are excellent that you will experience something similar in your relationship with the narcissist in your life.  When this happens, please learn from my experiences.

Don’t beat yourself up.  So what this wasn’t the worst thing they have done?  They have done plenty.  It’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can push you over the edge, because your patience are worn out.

Don’t think you’re petty because what they did wasn’t as bad as other things.  Like I just said, it’s normal that anything, even something sort of small, can be too much after someone continually does terrible things to you.

Don’t compare your situation to anyone else’s.  Everyone is unique.  Just because your last straw moment was different than someone else’s doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

Remember that you are unique as is the narcissist in your life.  There are no one size fits all solutions.  You need to handle the situation from here the best you can.  If others think you’re wrong, so be it.  If no one you know has handled a similar situation as you feel you need to, that isn’t important.  Do what you know in your heart is right in your situation, & don’t let anyone else change your mind.

12 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Loving Narcissistic Parents After No Contact

Both of my parents died not terribly long after going no contact with them.  My father within a few months in October, 2017 & my mother almost exactly 18 months later in April, 2019.  I have done a LOT of thinking since then because, well, that’s what I do, I overthink things.  lol  One thing I thought about though made a lot of sense & I wanted to share it with you.

When someone goes no contact with their narcissistic parent, it seems most people assume that person hates their parent.  They hate them so much, they can’t tolerate that person in their life any longer.  I find that is rarely the case.  Every person I’ve spoken with about this topic has said they loved their narcissistic parent deeply.  It was the abuse they hated, which is why they felt they had no other choice but to go no contact.

I felt the same way.  I hated how my parents treated me so badly, I felt I had no other choice but to go no contact.  I prayed a lot, I tried a lot of things, & nothing I did or said helped the relationship.  In fact, it kept getting worse.

Eventually I felt no contact was my only option & I prayed a LOT about that.  I felt God wanted me to wait, so I did even though it was incredibly difficult.  When the time felt right, I eliminated my parents from my life.  It was the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do.  Later, I learned it was also the right thing to do.

Just before my father died, he accepted Jesus as his Savior.  His miraculous story is on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you’d like to read it.  Anyway part of the reason he turned to God was because I wouldn’t go say goodbye to him as he was dying, in spite of knowing he wanted me to & the constant harassment & bullying by people trying to force me to.  Nothing else in his almost 80 years of life worked to make him turn to God, not even his own near death experience when he was a teenager.

After my mother died, I learned that she too accepted Jesus as her Savior.  Apparently she had as a young child, but stepped away from her new faith probably because of the abuse she received at home.  Me not having a relationship with her, I believe, helped to turn her towards God as it did my father.  During our almost three years of no contact at the time of her passing, I prayed for her daily.  During that time, God told me a few times that she was praying, asking God to make me contact her.  He said that her motivations were purely selfish, so He didn’t want me to.

I think my story isn’t terribly unique.  Many narcissistic parents end up alone in their final years, abandoned by the children they abused for their entire lives.  I also can’t help but think many would turn to God in their desperation for help as my parents did.  Hopefully they also would accept Jesus into their hearts as my parents did.

Dear Reader, as hard as it can be, please pray for your narcissistic parents.  God hears those prayers, even when we pray from an attitude of “I’m only doing this because I know You want me to.”  That was my attitude for a long time, yet in spite of it, both of my parents went to Heaven when they passed away.  So please, keep praying for your narcissistic parents.  Even if prayer is the only thing you can do for them, it is a very powerful & wonderful thing!

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Identifying Flying Monkeys Verses Those Who Are Duped By Narcissists

2 Comments

Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism

Narcissists Aren’t The Only Ones Who Have Important Things Happen To Them

Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse knows that unless it affects a narcissist, a narcissist isn’t going to care about it.  Period.  As if that isn’t bad enough, they train victims to feel the same way.  No matter what happens to a victim, it isn’t important.  You could be lying in a pool of blood after someone hacked off your leg while the narcissist with you has a cold, & that narcissist will do their best to convince you that your freshly severed leg is no big deal.  Their sniffles though, now that is a crisis, so you need to stop whining about your leg!

Narcissists manage to convince victims of the lack of importance of their problems subtly.  They’re so subtle, most of us don’t even pay attention to what they are doing until years later when we realize it.

My overtly narcissistic mother simply ignored my problems.  I might as well have said nothing, because she would act as if I didn’t say anything or talk over me to change the subject.  There were other times if she did listen, she would blame me for the problem, even when I wasn’t at fault.

My father & ex husband, both covert narcissists, used a different tactic.  They would let me talk, listening to every word I said.  It seemed like they cared, but they didn’t.  They wouldn’t respond like a normal person & say “I’m sorry that happened to you” or “Are you ok?  Can I do anything to help?”  Instead, they would tell me how upset they were or how hard my problem was for them.

For example, the night in 1990 when I was 19 & my mother threw me into a wall, both my father & ex husband turned that into their crisis.  My ex said how upset he was that my mother did this, he was furious with her for hurting my back, etc. etc.  Not once that evening or in the years following did he offer me any comfort.

My father brought up that night periodically until he died.  Mostly about how awful it was that when he walked out, my mother locked him out of the house.  His keys were in his pocket & he could’ve come back inside at any time.  He also mentioned how bad the damage was where my mother threw me into.  It took him time to patch it up.  A couple of years before he died, my father literally said to me, “It’s ok.. you don’t have to apologize for busting up that wall.  I fixed it & it’s all over.”  I was blown away!  Why would I apologize?  Yes, it was me that broke a wall but not due to my own carelessness!  It was because my mother, who was much stronger than me, threw me into the thing!  And for the record, I told him this.

Although narcissists are clearly very good at training their victims to think their problems don’t matter, that doesn’t mean they are correct.  Not by a long shot, in fact.  For some reason, I never saw it until a few months after my mother died.  That is when I suddenly realized how it happened & how terrible it is!  I repeatedly have told myself that it wasn’t so bad, how my parents & ex treated me.  I’ve even doubted having C-PTSD in spite of flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression & more.

Please learn from my experiences!  Don’t buy the narcissist’s lies!  What happens to you *is* important!  It does matter!  Acknowledge your experiences for whatever they were.  Admit to yourself that you did great sometimes in spite of what the narcissist tells you.  Also admit that the traumatic ones were bad.  There is nothing wrong with that!  In fact, it’s a good thing to do because once you realize that, you can start to heal.

17 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Gratitude After Abuse

Every once in a while, I hear someone say they are grateful for the terrible things that happened to them at the hands of an abuser, because those awful things made them stronger or made them who they are today.  Honestly, I’m not sure that this is a good thing.  It may sound empowering, but really… is it truly good to be grateful for suffering horrific abuse even when good came from it?  I just don’t know.  It sounds too close to toxic positivity for me, but I can’t say with 100% certainty I’m right about that.  It may just be something that each person needs to decide for themselves if it is good for them or not.

What I do know though, is that whether or not you’re grateful for those terrible things, it’s a good idea to be grateful in general.  It helps to appreciate your loving husband, great kids, a secure job & whatever else is going on in your life.  A grateful attitude can help alleviate or at least lessen depression so naturally you should be grateful for the good things.

While it may be hard, I really think it’s good to appreciate the good that came from the bad things in your life too.  It’s taken me quite some time, but I eventually became grateful for all that I learned as a result of the narcissists & their abuse in my life.

I can spot a narcissist easily now, rather than simply ignore my instincts that were saying I should run for the hills rather than deal with this person.

If somehow I end up forced to deal with a narcissist, now I know how to deal with them in ways that protect my mental health.  There will be no more narcissists defining who I am.

Also if I end up forced to deal with one, I know ways to set boundaries now that prevent them from taking advantage of me.

My tolerance for abuse in any form is now gone.  I have no problem calling out abusive behavior whether it’s done to me or to someone else.  If it’s done to me, & someone reading this has been abusive to me, just know that you are going to be the subject of at least a blog post or two, YouTube video or maybe even a book at some point.  Probably you already have been in one of these roles by now.

I love the fact that the awful experiences in my life had a purpose.  Being able to write about such things & help others learn, grow & heal is incredibly rewarding.  It helps me to cope.  I can be less angry about the abuse knowing it all had a purpose.

Also, being through the horrors of abuse means I appreciate good people in my life more than the average person.  Those who haven’t been abused tend to take good people for granted much easier than those who have.  Appreciating good people just feels good, & that leads you to seek out other good people while rejecting toxic people.  It also strengthens relationships with good people because you can’t help but to let them know they are appreciated.

The more grateful you are, the more grateful you become.  Certainly that is a very good thing!

So what good things can you think of in your life that are a direct result of surviving abuse?  I’m sure if you think about it, there are plenty of good things.  Whether you are grateful for the horrors you’ve experienced or not, I really would like to encourage you to be grateful for the good that has come from it all.  It can be very good for your mental health!  xoxo

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Take Your Power Back From The Narcissist

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Narcissistic Abuse Isn’t Personal

When experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels like the narcissist is attacking you like a hungry lion attacks prey.  They do their level best to destroy everything about you.  That feels incredibly personal, doesn’t it?  The fact is though that it isn’t.

Narcissists are incredibly selfish & self serving.  Every single thing they do is motivated by how it will serve or benefit them.

If a narcissist calls you ugly or stupid, it isn’t because he or she thinks you are.  It’s because it makes the narcissist feel powerful when they see you hurting because of that insult.

If your narcissistic spouse destroys your financial status, that isn’t about you either.  Destroying your finances makes him or her feel powerful.  You can’t leave him or her without money.  You can’t rent a place to live with a bad credit rating.  You are forced to maintain the relationship with this narcissist, & they love having that control.

If the narcissist in your life is your parent who refuses to treat you like an adult, again, that isn’t about you.  It doesn’t mean the narcissist believes you aren’t a capable adult.  Treating you as a child well past childhood gives that parent the control they want over you by making you feel incapable.

At the core of narcissistic behavior is the drive for narcissistic supply.  Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the ego.  Everyone appreciates narcissistic supply to some degree.  A sincere complement makes you feel good, doesn’t it?  Most people appreciate complements.  Some may even fish for them once in a while, asking questions like, “Does this dress look ok on me?” in the hopes of hearing, “You look beautiful in that dress!”  That is narcissistic supply on a normal scale.  Narcissists, however, take this to an extreme.

Narcissists will do anything to gain their narcissistic supply & gain it often.  They have no problem tearing another person’s self esteem apart or manipulating & controlling others to get it.  The fact others are hurt in this process isn’t important to narcissists, due to their complete lack of empathy.  All that matters is they accomplish or obtain whatever it is that they want at that moment.  And, once that moment is done, they are looking for their next moment.

Narcissists are much like hard core drug addicts, always looking for their next high, & they will do anything to get that high.  The only difference is their drug of choice is narcissistic supply.

Always remember that what narcissists do is about them, not you. Even hurting, even destroying, you isn’t about you.  Every single solitary thing narcissists do is always about them & procuring their precious narcissistic supply, period.  The more you remember this, the less devastated you will be when the narcissist in your life says & does the terrible things they do to you.

One word of warning: this realization shows just what a damaged person the narcissist is.  It’s sad when you realize that someone’s thinking could be so warped as to not care about the tremendous amount of damage they do to others, including those they say they love.  While yes, this is sad, please don’t let yourself feel too much pity for the narcissist, because that can lead you down the path of tolerating their abuse.  Remember, they have chosen over & over to do the abusive things they have done.  This has shut down their empathy, & made it easier for them to continue to abuse.  While it’s sad they are as they are, narcissism is ultimately a result of their bad choices.

5 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

A Little About Boundaries

People who don’t understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, flying monkeys in particular, seem to all think that setting boundaries & limits on a narcissist’s abusive behavior is a terrible thing to do.  If the victim is a Christian, these people often add in that those limits are “ungodly”, “unloving” & even “not honoring your parents.”  If a victim wants to divorce a narcissistic spouse, people are quick to point out the Scripture that says, “God hates divorce!” or “wives submit to your husbands” while leaving out anything else that can elaborate on these verses.

The fact however, is that these people are entirely wrong.  Boundaries are loving, Godly & honorable.

You can’t change anyone’s behavior of course, but boundaries set the stage to encourage a person to behave in a better way.  Good boundaries also show people how to treat others in a healthy way by displaying clearly what a person will & will not tolerate.

Consequences when someone disregards another’s boundaries also give a person a choice.  They can change their behavior for the better & receive a better, healthier relationship in return for their efforts.  Or, they can continue their bad behavior & suffer the negative consequences, such as someone terminating the relationship with them.

It is a loving thing to do to help people behave in a more Godly & loving way.

What is not a loving thing to do is enabling bad behavior.  Tolerating abuse is far from loving.  How could it be a loving thing to do to encourage someone to participate in bad, abusive & yes even sinful behavior?  It isn’t loving at all nor is it Godly!  Yet it seems like so many people think this is the case, & will twist Scripture around in an attempt to convince other people this is true.

And, on the opposite side of that same coin, how is it loving to tolerate things that cause pain?  How does that sort of behavior benefit anyone?  It only hurts victims & tells abusers that their awful behavior is fine.

I know this post is a very brief & basic one today, Dear Reader, but I felt the need to put it out there anyway.  I feel someone needs this simple reminder, so here it is.  Keep your boundaries in place & keep enforcing them!  Anyone who doesn’t respect them is the one with the problem, not you.  You aren’t a bad Christian or unloving spouse or adult child for having boundaries.  You are simply giving someone the natural consequences of their behavior, as things should be.  People reap what they so, as the Scripture says…..

Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked [He will not allow Himself to be ridiculed, nor treated with contempt nor allow His precepts to be scornfully set aside]; for whatever a man sows, this and this only is what he will reap.  8 For the one who sows to his flesh [his sinful capacity, his worldliness, his disgraceful impulses] will reap from the flesh ruin and destruction, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (AMP)

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Narcissism: Is It Really Mental Illness?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The name implies that narcissistic behavior is an actual mental illness, doesn’t it?  It sounds like narcissists cannot control their behavior because something is actually broken in their brains, much like with schizophrenia, PTSD & other mental illnesses.

This “disorder” thing didn’t sit right with me when I first started to learn about NPD.  I also thought about my parents & ex husband.  They all were very good at controlling themselves.  I remember my mother screaming at me when I was a teenager, as she did daily for quite some time.  Then, the phone rang, & she spoke with the caller in a normal voice as if nothing happened.  My father convinced everyone he was a nice, simple country boy rather than the controlling manipulator he was behind closed doors.  My ex?  When we argued, he would push me to the point of yelling as he sat calmly saying the cruelest things imaginable, & annihilating my self esteem.

Even so, I thought since narcissism was classified as a disorder, that meant my observations must be wrong.  Obviously disorder means they can’t help the way they act, right?

Not necessarily.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is part of the cluster B group of personality disorders that also include Borderline, Antisocial & Histrionic Personality Disorders.   A few years ago, I read on Dr. Karyl McBride’s Facebook page that personality disorders  are dysfunctional behaviors rather than a broken brain, if you will.  Someone with Schizophrenia, for example, has a physical problem with their brain.  They display bad behaviors but they are beyond the person’s control.  That can’t be said for someone with NPD.  All it takes is watching a narcissist for a short time when you realize that that person can control their actions VERY well.

This difference probably doesn’t sound overly important to you, but it actually is.  The difference means you treat someone who is narcissistic different than someone with Schizophrenia, PTSD, depression or another mental illness.  This isn’t only because the symptoms vary so greatly, but because of the nature of the problems.

Although chances are someone with mental illness will hurt you at some point, it won’t be intentional.  It will be because their illness made them behave a certain way.  They may not even be aware of hurting you if their illness is quite severe.  Once made aware of what happened, they will apologize & try not to repeat the hurtful behavior.

Narcissists are very different.  When they hurt you, you can guarantee they had a distinct reason for it, & they are glad they did it.  They enjoy hurting other people at worst, & feel absolutely nothing for it at best.  If they are confronted about their behavior, they may apologize, but it will be a non-apology, such as, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” or, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”  You also can bet on the fact that the hurtful behavior will happen again once they know just how much it upset you.

Due to such vast differences in the way they respond when they have done something wrong or even abusive, you need to treat each person differently.  The mentally ill person deserves mercy if they are trying to behave better.  The narcissist isn’t going to try, so rather than “forgive & forget”, it’s best to protect yourself.  Set & enforce strong boundaries instead.  Give them almost no personal information.  Learn about the Gray Rock Method.

If you buy into the lie that the disorder in Narcissistic Personality Disorder means they can’t help their behavior, you might pity them & tolerate the abuse.  Never forget that personality disorders describe a dysfunctional behavior rather than a person with a sick brain, & treat the narcissist accordingly.

2 Comments

Filed under Mental Health, Narcissism

Narcissists & Cars

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Escaping The Scapegoat Role

When you’re the family scapegoat, not only do your narcissistic parents abuse you, but other relatives as well.  It seems that people think if your own parents abuse you, doing so much be acceptable behavior.  It’s a miserable life!  It doesn’t have to stay that way though!  You can break out of the scapegoat role!

To start, you’re going to need to get to know yourself so you know what you will & won’t tolerate. Pay attention to how you really feel about everything.  Question yourself.  Do you like or dislike things because that is genuinely your taste or because your parent told you to?  Writing things down may be a big help to you.

Look at yourself objectively, & recognize the truth about yourself.  The more you do this, the more you’ll learn to reject the terrible things your abusers have told you about yourself & the healthier your self esteem will become.  If it helps, write things down.  Maybe write down what they have said about you, & what you observed about yourself.

Learn to stop explaining yourself.  Your abusers don’t deserve to know why you do or don’t do things.  It isn’t their business.  If you feel you must offer an explanation, keep the explanation to a minimum, such as comments like, “I already have plans.”  The less information narcissists have, the less they can use to hurt or control you.

Learn about boundaries.  When you grow up with narcissistic parents, you have absolutely no concept of boundaries.  Narcissistic parents & their children often blur together.  Their children are merely extensions of their parents.  That is terribly unhealthy!  Make healthy changes & learn about boundaries.  Learn where you end & other’s begin, & what is & is not your responsibility.  Narcissists hate boundaries because they make a person much harder to control, so at first the narcissist in your life may fight your new boundaries.  Keep learning & growing though!  Your mental health will appreciate it!

Learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  You can’t possibly fully understand it, I don’t think anyone can.  You can get a decent grasp as to what motivates narcissists & what they do, however, which will help you to cope with them.  You will learn what to expect from them which will help you to figure out ways to deal with the behavior when it happens.  And, when you get a revelation on the fact that they have some serious problems, you won’t take their abusive behavior as personally.  You will recognize that they act as they do because they have issues.  This makes their behavior hurt less, & makes you less easily manipulated.

As a bonus, learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder also helps you when it comes to the narcissist’s flying monkeys.  I firmly believe many flying monkeys are narcissists since they display so many narcissistic behaviors.  Plus, whether or not they are, when you realize that people are blindly supporting someone as wicked as a narcissist, that also gives you a new perspective on them.  You realize their opinions on your life are worthless because anyone who would want you to maintain such a horrible, destructive & dysfunctional relationship clearly doesn’t care about you.

Breaking free of the family scapegoat role can be intimidating at first, but I promise you, it is well worth the effort you put into it!  You can’t help abusive people live their lives in a healthy way, but at least you can prevent them from putting their dysfunction & abuse on you!

2 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Grooming

One very common tactic of narcissistic abusers, parents in particular it seems, is called grooming.

Grooming is a two fold process….

Narcissists work very hard to groom their victims.  In other words, they convince the victim that he or she is to blame for all of the problems in the relationship.  If the victim would just do *fill in the blank* then the narcissistic abuser wouldn’t do whatever it is that upsets the victim.  So many of us have heard such ridiculous statements from our abusers as, “You made me hit you!” or, “If you wouldn’t have done what you did, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”  On my seventeenth birthday, my mother destroyed the gifts my now ex husband gave me.  She blamed me for making her do it because, according to her, I was “acting snotty.”  The fact is, I knew she hated him & would be angry he gave me gifts.  I didn’t want to take those gifts home, but I had no other choice.  I was quiet when I got in her car after school that day, because I was blindly terrified of my mother’s rage.  In her mind, my fear was “acting snotty” & an excuse to do what she did.

Grooming victims also means that the victim will feel guilt & even shame for making the relationship with the narcissist so incredibly unhealthy.  They will do their best to fix this relationship & please the narcissist.  Grooming makes victims very easy to manipulate & abuse.  After all, if someone truly believes that they are the problem, they will do whatever they can to make the relationship better.  They also will listen to whoever has convinced them that they are the problem, because obviously, in their mind anyway, this person knows better than they do how to fix things.

Narcissists also do their best to groom other people.  This means that they convince other people that the victim is the real problem in the relationship.  This works well for narcissists, because so long as other people believe this lie, they will never believe that the victim is anything but a problem.  The victim is the reason the narcissist acts the way she does.  The victim provokes the narcissist, or lies about the narcissist, or at least that is what is told to other people.  This insures that the victim is not believed when he or she decides to speak up about the narcissist.  These people always believe the victim to be nothing but trouble, so they won’t believe anything this person has to say about the narcissist.  The narcissistic abuser can do whatever they want & no one will believe the victim about how awful this person is.

In either case, the victim is not believed, so the abuser can continue their reign of terror without fear of anyone believing that she is the evil monster that she is.

Unfortunately, no victim of narcissistic abuse can avoid grooming or convince others that the narcissist is lying about the situation.  The only ways that I have learned to deal with this awful behavior are as follows..

Ignore those who believe the narcissist over you.  Yes, it hurts.  Yes, you’re going to lose people you thought were on your side.  However, one good thing is that you will learn who truly loves you.

Anyone who does not blindly believe what the narcissist in your life says about you is on your side.  Normal people question things, & do not blindly believe anything, in particular stories told of people they are close to.

Anyone who gets angry upon hearing the lies the narcissist says about you is also on your side.  Loving people are protective of those they care about, & also have no patience for people lying about them.

If someone is willing to share anything you say with the narcissist or tell you why what you feel is completely wrong, these are also red flags.  These red flags are signs of a flying monkey, someone who cares only about the narcissist, & nothing about you.

And, never forget to stand strong in the truth.  You know what has happened.  You also know what the narcissist in your life has said happened.  Stick to the truth, what really happened.  Remember narcissists lie a LOT, & do not believe the lies!

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

When Your “Good” Parent Is A Covert Narcissist

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Regaining Your Inner Strength

In a previous post, I mentioned that I found some notes my father wrote concerning the abuse my mother inflicted on me.  He had put them in the Bible he wanted me to place in his casket upon his death.

Since reading those notes, I hadn’t thought too much about them.  It hurt too much & made me angry.  Basically, from what I gathered from his notes, knowing him & what God spoke to me about the situation, it boiled down to my father let my mother abuse me because he felt unable to protect me.  He didn’t have the inner strength to protect me, let alone himself.  While it’s true he also got a degree of narcissistic supply from the situation, in this post, I want to focus on the lack of inner strength only.

Narcissistic abuse can sap a person of so much, including their inner strength.  You can feel as if there is no point in trying anything, because anything you do is wrong, according to the narcissist.  They also tell victims things like no one else will ever care about them like the narcissist does, you can’t trust anyone else, & you’re lucky the narcissist loves you because no one else would.  These statements can destroy any sense of hope in a victim.  Without hope, there seems to be no point in trying to escape the abuse or even protect yourself from it.  If you have children with the narcissist in your life, it also seems hopeless to protect them.

As difficult as it is, please try to regain your inner strength!!  No one deserves to be treated the way a narcissist treats their victim, & that includes you.  I’m sure the narcissist told you that you deserve whatever they do to you, or that you make them act the way they do, but that is not true!  It’s a lie to justify their abuse.

If you continue to tolerate this abuse, there is also the chance it could make you suicidal.  Many victims have experienced that, including me.  That is a terrible place to be, & one where you don’t deserve to be.  You deserve to be happy & living a life free of abuse, not one where you’re planning your own death.  I know it can look like the only escape you have, but that isn’t true!  There are ways out, & you can find them!

If you have children, think about them.  One of your jobs as the parent to protect them, & that includes protecting them from any abusive person, even if that abuser is their other parent.

If you think you should stay with your narcissistic partner “for the sake of the children”, think about what kind of example you’re setting for them by doing so.  You’re showing them that they should tolerate abuse, & that people can treat them any old way they want to.  They also see your partner abusing you, which sends them the message it’s ok to abuse you.  This can lead to children who become angry at their parent for failing to protect them & treat the parent badly, even abusively.

If the narcissist in question is your children’s grandparent, I want you to think about something.  Do you remember how your parent made you feel when you were your child’s age?  Your parent is inflicting that same pain on your child.  Do you really want your child to feel as miserable & hopeless as you did?

To help you regain your inner strength, think about things that inspire you to be strong.  Sometimes a song makes me feel strong, other times it’s Scriptures in the Bible.  Even internet memes can be surprisingly inspiring sometimes.  I also read previous entries in my journal to remind me of things I’ve overcome since that helps strengthen me.

Most of all, I have found a close relationship with God to be the best thing to increase my inner strength.  I ask Him to give me strength & to help me as I need it.  Before my parents died, I asked those things often when I had to deal with them & God never failed to give me just what I needed at the time.  He will do the same for you.  Let Him help you, & do what you need to as well.  Before you know it, you’ll have your inner strength back.

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Signs Of Surviving Child Abuse In Adults, & Ways To Cope

There are some very clear ways to identify a survivor of child abuse.  These symptoms also are detrimental to the mental health of said survivors.  If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, then please don’t beat yourself up.  We’ve all been there!  Try to accept them as nothing more than a sign of having experienced some really terrible things, then find ways to heal from them however work best for you.

  • Blaming yourself for what happened.  Children seem to take the responsibility on for their parents’ bad behavior rather than face the fact that their parent has done something pretty terrible.  It’s totally normal!  However, it isn’t helpful once you’re an adult.  It’s ok to admit your parents were less than perfect, & yes, even cruel.  No child can make any parent abuse them, including you.  Abusive behavior lies squarely on the shoulder of all abusers, never their victims.  ALWAYS!
  • Accepting what your parents said as the gospel truth.  Abusive parents lie.  Period.  They also convince their children that their lies are the truth.  Not only that the abuse was the child’s fault, but that the child is unlovable, stupid, ugly, useless, no man/woman will ever want to marry that child & more.  It’s time to start challenging those false beliefs as they rise up in you.  Ask yourself, what evidence is there that what your parent told you is true?  I would guess there is no real evidence at all!
  • Unhealthy coping skills.  Watching too much TV, emotional eating, sex, shopping, drugs or alcohol.  Whatever coping skill used is unimportant.  The fact is the person using such coping skills is trying to avoid the pain inside.  Although these coping skills may have served you for some time, it’s time to retire them & face the pain.
  • Being a people pleaser.  Growing up afraid of rocking the boat where your parents are concerned can create a habit of people pleasing.  This is so unhealthy!  Of course, it’s good to care what people think.  When that rules your life & makes you do things that you disagree with or hurt you, however, there is a big problem!  Learn to say “no”.  It’s perfectly ok!
  • Lack of good self care.  Self care isn’t all bubble baths & eating ice cream.  Self care also involves taking good care of your physical & mental health, resting when tired, not overworking, & having good boundaries.

If you’re wondering where to start changing these behaviors in you, the best place I know of is what I always recommend.  Prayer.  Ask God to help you to be healthier & to heal from the trauma you have experienced.  He truly will!  One thing I do is when something comes up, I ask Him to tell me the truth about it.  “Am I right to feel *insert feeling here*?  Why or why not?” & listen for His response.

Read about the type of abuse you experienced.  Chances are, you’ll find other survivors experience similar things to you.  Learning there are others out there going through what you are can be extremely validating.  It also will help you to learn how to cope with what you’re experiencing when you see how other people got through it.

Do you keep a journal?  If not, now is the time to start!  Seeing things in writing can be so validating & clarifying.  It also can help you to keep track of the truth.  Abusers, narcissists in particular, love to reinvent the past, & lie about the present.  Having written documentation helps you to keep track of the truth so you don’t get lost in their lies.

I truly wish you the best, Dear Reader.  Facing pain & changing dysfunctional behavior isn’t easy.  However, it is worth it when you’re healthier, happier & behaving in a much more functional way.

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Three Likely Scenarios That May Happen After Going No Contact

Ending any type of relationship with a narcissist is always a challenge.  Whether that person is a friend, romantic partner or relative, it seems like the same basic actions happen often.

A person severs ties with the narcissist in their life.  The narcissist is upset, which of course is natural.  No one is happy that someone no longer wants them in their life.  The problem though is how narcissists handle the situation.  Most folks walk away, respect the other person’s boundary & move on however works for them.  Narcissists aren’t most folks.  Rather than simply walking away, they create chaos.

Many narcissists harass their victims after no contact has been implemented.  They don’t leave quietly with their dignity in tact.  Instead, they demand to know why the victim ended the relationship.  Victims usually tell narcissists why, but they don’t listen.  Instead they claim they have no clue why the victim is upset.  They may cry or beg the victim to come back.  They may rage in an attempt to scare the victim into coming back.  If the victim will not speak to them, narcissists have no problem calling, texting, emailing, etc. non stop in an attempt to wear down their victim so he or she will come back to them.  Having been on the receiving end of this, I can tell you it can be incredibly unnerving.  Anyone who spends so much time focused on making another person’s life miserable in an attempt to force that person to come back to the relationship clearly is not mentally stable.

There is also the notorious smear campaign.  Everyone has someone in their life that they don’t have the nicest things to say about.  Chances are though, that ruining that person’s reputation isn’t exactly a top priority with you even if that person did you very wrong.  Narcissists however, will not hesitate to tell anyone & everyone how terrible their victim is.  If they don’t have anything that is negative & true to say, they have no problem creating things to say.  They in particular seem to love claiming their victim is mentally unstable.  If someone tells you that they have crazy exes, for example, that can be a warning sign you’re dealing with a narcissist.  Pay attention to their behavior & you will figure out soon enough whether or not this person is a narcissist.

Narcissists also love to send out the flying monkeys.  Their devoted, wicked enablers are more than happy to carry out whatever wishes the narcissist has.  This often includes trying to “talk sense” into victims to make them return to the relationship or telling them how horrible they are for doing what they have done to the narcissist.

There is something interesting about all of these scenarios.  Not a bit of it makes any sense!  Why would anyone want to resume a relationship out of fear or guilt?  Yet, narcissists do these things anyway, fully expecting their victims to return to the horrible relationship.

If you end a relationship with a narcissist, you need to be aware that these situations are very likely to happen.  Their behavior is often shocking, even when you know it may happen.  Narcissists take things to such extremes, it’s hard not to be shocked.

If the narcissist in your life subjects you to these behaviors, remember to block all contact they & their flying monkeys have with you, document everything in case you need it to file charges, & don’t respond to the smear campaign no matter how hard it is.  Any acknowledgement that the narcissist is affecting you makes them feel powerful, so they will do the thing that made you react as you did more often.  Show them no reaction, block all access & enjoy your life without the narcissist in it!

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

Using Christianity As A Means To Justify Abuse

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism