Signs You Grew Up Subjected To Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person doubting their own perceptions, feelings, & even sanity.  It occurs when someone manipulates another person into questioning their own reality, making them feel like they are losing their mind.  Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, & it often occurs within families.

Gaslighting families work to convince everyone that everything that happens in their family is normal & good, including abuse.  Those subjected to it grow up thinking, “Am I the only one who feels like this is wrong?”  “Am I crazy?”  “Why am I upset about this?”  This leads to intense self-l doubt & has long term effects on a person’s mental health.

Today, we’ll discuss some signs that you grew up with gaslighting, & some tips on how to counter the effects of this cruel form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can take many forms, & it’s not always easy to recognize when it’s happening.  There are some signs that you may have grown up with gaslighting…

You constantly question your own reality: If you find yourself constantly questioning your own beliefs & perceptions, it is a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells:  If you feel like you need to be careful about what you say or do around certain people, it’s a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You have a hard time trusting your own instincts: Gaslighting makes you doubt your own instincts & intuition.  This leads to confusion & uncertainty, which makes it hard to make decisions.

If you grew up with gaslighting, there are things you can do to counter the effects of this form of emotional abuse. 

Understand reality: Gaslighting can make it hard to know what’s real & what’s not.  To counter this, try to look at things logically without emotion & see if things make sense.

Distance yourself from the gaslighting: If possible, distance yourself from the people who are gaslighting you.  This can help you to gain perspective & clarity.

Ask safe people for their thoughts: It can be helpful to talk to people you trust about your experiences.  They can provide a different perspective & help you to see things more clearly.

Pray for clarity: Prayer is invaluable when dealing with the effects of gaslighting.  Ask God to give you clarity & help you to see the truth & to see things as they really are.

Gaslighting is an especially malicious form of emotional abuse that can have long lasting effects on a person’s mental health.  If you grew up with gaslighting, it’s important to recognize the signs & take steps to counter the effects.  By understanding reality, distancing yourself from the gaslighting, asking safe people for their thoughts, & praying for clarity, you can begin to heal from the effects of this form of emotional abuse.

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

As if growing up with a narcissistic parent or even two isn’t challenging & painful enough, these children often are subjected to stupid, ignorant comments by other people that add onto the pain.  Those in their extended family, friends of the parent’s & even those who don’t know them often have very definite opinions of the parent/child relationship.  For whatever foolish reasons, many of these people feel those opinions must be shared with the victim of narcissistic parents.  Today some comments will be discussed, as well as why they are absolutely wrong in the hopes anyone reading this won’t fall for this evil manipulation.

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel.  This would make sense if your parents were normal people of average emotional intelligence & empathy.  In those cases, talking things out often works.  When you are discussing a narcissist, talking things out never works.  It often leads to no resolution while their victim ends up feeling even worse than they did prior to the conversation.  Narcissists do NOT care how their victims feel.  They only care how they feel.  They also can’t handle any criticism, no matter how tactfully it may be said.  They take it as a personal attack, & retaliate with blind rage.  Talking to them about how they have hurt you is a terrible idea.

Try seeing things from your parent’s perspective.  Abused children do this over & over.  They try figuring out what they did wrong or did to deserve to be treated this way.  Just because they can understand why a parent would abuse them doesn’t mean they have done something wrong.  It means they aren’t abusive or abuse apologists.

Kids always blame their parents & don’t accept any responsibility for their own behavior.  This is absolutely false.  Parents get plenty of both blame & praise because childhood forms so much of who we grow into as adults, good, bad & indifferent.  Saying your parent was abusive isn’t blaming them for all of your problems.  It is telling the truth & laying blame for being abusive squarely on your abusive parent’s shoulders which is where it belongs!

Your parent tried his/her best.  This is nothing but a lame excuse for abusive behavior.  There are very few people who truly don’t know the difference between right & wrong.  A parent trying their best will make mistakes, of course because they are only human.  That parent will NOT deliberately hurt their child, try to hide their behavior & punish their child for divulging their abusive behavior.

Parents always love their children no matter what.  This is a complete falsehood.  Many parents feel this way, but not all do.  Some see their child as an inconvenience, a burden or a mistake from the moment of that child’s conception.  If you don’t believe me, read about cases of abused children, such as Dave Pelzer, author of the book, “A Child Called It”.  No one can convince me his mother loved him.

Your parent was always so nice to me!  And the point is…?  Abusers are rarely abusive to everyone.  Instead, they have a Jekyll & Hyde personality.  They are sweet as pie to many people, but to their victims, they are exceedingly cruel.  Their victims are usually the only ones who see the depths of their cruelty, & this is what abusers want.  This means those who have seen the nice side of abusers don’t believe victims, which means abusers are free to abuse their victims without consequences.

Your parent is a teacher, police officer, pastor, counselor, etc, so he/she couldn’t be a bad person!  Abusers often enjoy working in these helping type professions for a few reasons.  They are in a position of authority, so they are able to abuse, control & manipulate others.  They also are looked at as good people, so anyone who accuses them of abuse most likely won’t be believed.  And, they have a lot of access to people to abuse.  While plenty of wonderful people work in such fields, plenty of abusers do too.  Not every teacher, officer, pastor, counselor, etc. is a good, caring person & assuming they all are is simply foolish.

If anyone says such invalidating comments to you regarding your abusive parent, please know that it truly has nothing to do with you.  These comments are made by people who have their own preconceived ideas.  Many of those people don’t want to accept anything that contradicts their own ideas, so rather than open their minds, they try to shut down victims as a way of helping them keep their denial in tact.  They are hurting you as a way to protect themselves, & that truly has nothing to do with you.  Don’t accept what they say as truth, because it isn’t true at all! 

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

Happy Read an Ebook Week! To help you find a book to celebrate, you can find my entire collection at a promotional price at Smashwords from March 3, 2024 – March 9, 2024. Find my books and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/ebookweek #ebookweek24 #Smashwords

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

How Narcissists Condition Their Victims To Accept Abuse

There is a story about a frog in a pan of hot water.  If the frog jumps into a pan of boiling water, immediately he’ll try to get right back out of it.  However, if the frog gets into a pan of water that slowly gets hotter & hotter until it boils, the frog won’t try to leave until it’s too late.  This is much how it is when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

If a narcissist began the relationship showing exactly what they are capable of doing, no one would continue the relationship in any way.  They would run fast in the opposite direction.  This is why narcissists hide their capacity for cruelty in the beginning of relationships.  They allow their victims to become comfortable with them, even trusting them.  As time passes, they start to do small things that make their victims uncomfortable as a way to condition them to accept more & more abuse. 

Consider the following scenario as an example.  Instead of wanting to be with their new romantic interest constantly as they were at first, suddenly the narcissist has other things to do that don’t involve the victim.  If the victim says anything, the narcissist says it’s nothing personal.. they just need or want to do these other things, relax!  It’s no big deal.  The narcissist does have a life other than the relationship, after all.  The victim accepts this & the narcissist does what they wanted to do, not caring about the victim being upset.  The victim still feels upset, but thinks they are being too possessive & in spite of being upset, tells him or her self that everything is fine.  They are being too clingy.  When this scenario happens again, the victim says nothing, even if he or she is upset. 

The victim in this scenario has been conditioned to accept something the narcissist has done is normal.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with a person doing things without their significant other.  However, it is very wrong for someone not to be concerned that this person they supposedly care about is upset & to minimize their feelings.  A functional person would have reassured their partner, been willing to talk about their partner’s feelings rather than invalidate them & possibly reschedule or even cancel their plans.  In typical narcissist fashion though, the narcissist in the scenario refuses to make any changes while simultaneously invalidating their victim’s feelings. 

This is how narcissists condition their victims to accept anything they do.  Basically this behavior desensitizes victims to abuse & normalizes it.  Victims in this scenario are like the frog in the pan of water that gradually gets hotter.  The abuse starts out not so bad, & narcissists condition their victim to accept those things.  Then they do slightly bigger things, condition their victim to accept those, then move onto bigger things yet & condition their victim to accept those & so on.  In time, the victim thinks the narcissist’s abusive behavior is normal, & is often no longer so deeply affected by it.  If they are, they minimize their feelings or even ignore them, because they believe this to be normal behavior.

I really believe this is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing after ending the relationship.  They tell someone what happened, the person is shocked & the victim is surprised the other person thinks this was so terrible.  People who haven’t experienced abuse are stunned at the terrible things abusive people do to their victims.  Those of us who experienced it first hand however are often so desensitized to it because for us it was normal, that for us, it may be bad, but we don’t think of it as nearly so bad as those who haven’t been abused think it is.

Growing Up Invalidated

Narcissists are masters of invalidation.  In other words, they are masters at making their victims feel as if their likes, dislikes, & feelings are inaccurate, & the person feeling them is wrong, deeply flawed or even crazy for feeling the way they do.  Invalidation is a very cruel thing to do to another person, as it makes a person lose the ability to trust their feelings & perceptions.  It even can make a person doubt their sanity.  This makes an invalidated person easy to manipulate & control, which naturally is the goal of any narcissist.

Narcissistic parents love invalidating their children because of this, in particular engulfing narcissistic parents.  Chronically invalidated children are extremely insecure, clingy with their parents because of the insecurity & they look to their parents for information much more than healthier children do. 

Sadly, this chronic invalidation in childhood creates life long problems for children like this.  Having been in this situation, I can vouch for just how damaging it is.  The good thing however is once you recognize the signs, you can make healthy changes. 

Probably the most common sign of growing up invalidated is low or non existent self esteem.  How could anyone have any self esteem when their own parents invalidated them?  It’s impossible.  Healing such damaged self esteem is a long process, but so worth it.  The best way to start this process that I know of is to ask God to help you often, & to start questioning things.  When you think something negative about yourself, question it.  Ask yourself why you feel that way.  Is there evidence of this feeling being accurate, or do you think this way because your parent told you that you were that way?

One sign of growing up invalidated is that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable around other people.  The good news is that the more you heal, the healthier your relationships naturally become, & eventually you become able to be vulnerable around those healthy people. 

Feeling as if your feelings, thoughts, wants, & needs are less important than other people is also typical of someone who grew up being invalidated.  I want you to know that feeling that way is WRONG!  Everything about you is just as important as other people.  There is nothing about you that makes you less important.  You are valuable & you matter!

Second guessing yourself constantly is common with someone who has been invalidated in their childhood.  How could it not be?  Much like healing helps your self esteem improve & that naturally attracts healthier people, it also will help you to stop second guessing yourself so much.  You will become more confident & second guess yourself less & less over time.

Feeling invisible also is a part of growing up invalidated.  It’s such an awful way to feel!  Sadly when you spend time with those who invalidated you, you may always feel this way to some degree.  I certainly do.  It improved as I healed, but never entirely went away.  Feeling this way though doesn’t mean something wrong with you.  It means something is wrong with those who treat you this way. 

Obviously healing from invalidation isn’t a quick or easy path, but working on it is well worth it.  You deserve validation, even if your parents didn’t think you did.  You are worthy of it.  You’re also worthy of love, kindness & being treated well.  Don’t accept the message of invalidation that says otherwise!  Reject it!  If you’re struggling with that, then pray & ask God to help you & to teach you how to reject these dysfunctional & toxic messages.  Work on your improving self esteem, too.  That also will help you so much!

Children Need To Be Allowed To Have Boundaries

The world can be a scary place for children.  They are still learning how to navigate the world & their emotions.  It’s important for parents to create a safe & nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing themselves.  One way to do this is by allowing them to have boundaries.  Children need to feel safe to say no, disagree, express their opinions, & set limits.  When children grow up without boundaries, they can develop a fear of hurting others, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This can have a detrimental effect on their mental & emotional well-being that can last a lifetime & cause a tremendous amount of problems for them.6

Boundaries are essential for children’s development.  They help children understand their limits & the limits of others.  Without boundaries, children can become confused & overwhelmed.  They may not know how to express their needs & emotions, which leads to frustration & anger.  Boundaries also help children learn how to respect others & themselves.  When children learn to set boundaries, they learn to value themselves & their needs.  This can lead to healthy relationships later in life.

Parents need to model healthy boundaries for their children.  If parents don’t respect their own boundaries, they can’t expect their children to do the same.  For example, if a parent is always giving in to their child’s demands, the child may not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries.  It’s important for parents to set limits & stick to them.  This teaches children that boundaries are important & that they need to be respected.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with setting their own boundaries as adults.  They may have difficulty saying no or expressing their needs.  This leads to unhealthy relationships & a lack of self-care.  Learning how to set boundaries early helps them develop healthy habits as adults.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with speaking up for themselves.  They may fear hurting the other person, anger, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This fear leads to a lack of self-expression & an inability to set boundaries.  Children feel like they have to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.

Parents can help their children overcome this fear by creating a safe & nurturing environment.  Children need to feel like they can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.  Parents can also encourage their children to speak up for themselves by modeling assertive behavior.  If a child sees their parent setting boundaries & speaking up for themselves, they are more likely to do the same.

Parents also should teach their children about consent.  Children need to understand that they have the right to say no to physical touch or activities they are uncomfortable with.  This teaches children that their boundaries are important & need to be respected.

It’s important for children to be compliant because they want to be, not because they are forced into it out of fear or guilt.  When parents use fear or guilt to control their children, it can damage the parent-child relationship & lead to resentment.  Children should feel like they have a choice in their actions & behaviors.

Parents can encourage good behavior by using positive reinforcement.  When children make good choices or show respect for others’ boundaries, parents can praise & reward them.  This teaches children that good behavior is valued & appreciated.

It’s important for parents to remember that children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, & desires.  They need to be allowed to express themselves & set their own boundaries.  By creating a safe & nurturing environment, parents can help their children develop healthy habits & relationships that will last a lifetime.

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

Why Judging Someone’s Character By How They Treat Their Parents Is Not Always Accurate

I have heard many people say that a person’s character can be determined by how a person treats their parents.  I disagree with this statement for several reasons.  Firstly, it assumes that parent/child relationships are always good, which is simply not the case for everyone.  Secondly, it doesn’t make sense because a relationship with one’s parents is naturally different from any other relationship.  Lastly, there are better ways to assess someone’s character that can give more accurate results.

As someone who’s been very harshly judged by many people, from family to total strangers, for my relationship with my parents, I would like to share some thoughts on this topic with you today.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has a good relationship with their parents.  Some people have abusive parents, which obviously will cause a very strained & difficult parent/child relationship.  An abused child, no matter their age, is going to behave much differently around their parents than around those with whom they are comfortable.

Additionally, some people have had emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents.  The result of that is often someone who is always willing to do for their parents, yet unwilling to treat others as well.  This often results in others in this person’s life being neglected or treated poorly. 

When someone has been abused by their parent in any way, often ending that relationship is the only thing they can do to protect their mental & even physical health.  Ending the relationship is a last, desperate resort to protect one’s health & sanity.  Many people assume those of us who have taken this step are selfish, entitled & spoiled, & will mistreat anyone we can.  This is very rarely the case however. 

Lastly, some people have mentally ill parents whose illness requires they be treated differently than anyone else.  Judging someone in these situations by how they treat their parents will give you very inaccurate results.  

Instead of judging someone by their relationship with their parents, it’s better to look at how someone treats those who can’t benefit them in any way, such as their mechanic, waitress or even the janitor in their office building.  This is a more accurate way to determine someone’s character because it shows how they treat people who can’t benefit them.  If they are kind to them, chances are their character is very good.

Another way to assess someone’s character is to look at how they handle conflict.  Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, & how someone handles it can tell you a lot about their character.  Do they resort to name-calling & insults, or do they try to understand your point of view & come to a resolution? 

Lastly, it’s important to look at their actions rather than just their words.  Anyone can say they are kind or caring, but it’s their actions that truly matter.  Do they follow through on their promises?  Do they make an effort to be there for you when you need them, even when it’s inconvenient for them?

By using these methods, you can get a much better idea of someone’s true character than if you simply observe their relationship with their parents.

When Children Defend Themselves To Their Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents learn very quickly that defending themselves to their narcissistic parents isn’t an option.  Any time they try to stand up for themselves or express their own feelings, their parents accuse them of being disobedient, rebellious, a troublemaker & more.  Soon they learn to forget themselves & tolerate anything, including abuse, to be worthy of their parents’ love.  Eventually they learn that this was not a healthy way to live, & began to understand the importance of standing up for themselves.

Today, I will share some things I have learned on this topic.  

The first thing you need to understand is that narcissistic parents are primarily focused on themselves & their own needs, rather than those of their children. They are emotionally abusive, controlling, & manipulative, & they often use their children as a means of validation for their own egos.

For children of narcissistic parents, this can be a very difficult & confusing experience.  On the one hand, they may feel a strong attachment to their parent & want to please them.  On the other hand, they feel neglected, unloved, & abused by their parent’s behavior.  This can create cognitive dissonance, where the child feels both love & fear towards their parent at the same time.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means constantly walking on eggshells.  You never knew what could set them off, & always afraid of doing something wrong.  Although you may try your best to be the perfect child, no matter how hard you tried, it’s never enough.  My overtly narcissistic mother always found something to criticize or belittle me for, & I felt I could never do anything right.

Once I was in my late teens, I began to realize that I didn’t have to put up with my mother’s abuse anymore.  I started to see that her behavior was not normal or acceptable, & I stopped excusing it.  Standing up to her was not easy.  Every time I tried to express my own feelings or defend myself, she would rage at me, say terrible things about me or accuse me of awful things I hadn’t done.  She even told me me that she was thinking of sending me away to a military school or a psychiatric hospital. 

As an adult, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & her behavior finally made sense.  I realized why defending myself to her was always a problem!  I just needed to figure out how to defend myself in ways that wouldn’t anger her but also would help me.  The best way I found to do this was gently but firmly setting boundaries.

When dealing with narcissists, showing no emotion is best.  Any emotion at all gives them fuel to abuse you.  They accuse you of being over sensitive, having anger issues & more.  Keeping that in mind, when I needed to defend myself, I calmly stated no, that isn’t right or no, that wouldn’t work for me & not budge from this position.  My mother couldn’t get too angry because I was being reasonable.

I also learned how to pick my battles.  If the matter was important, I would calmly say she was incorrect & state the facts.  If it wasn’t important to me, I just let it go.

To do this, I leaned on God a lot.  I asked Him to guide me & that He did.  It wasn’t easy but with His help, my mother eventually began to respect my boundaries & be less critical.  It wasn’t perfect but for the most part, our relationship was better by the time we went no contact.

If you are in a similar situation with a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to know where to start. I would encourage you to start by praying, then by setting boundaries.  Calmly stated boundaries with consequences will let your parent know that you will not tolerate their abuse or manipulation anymore.  It may take time, but eventually they will start to understand that you are serious.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic child abuse, I also encourage you to prioritize your own self-care.  This will feel strange at first, prioritizing yourself but you can do it!  Do whatever helps your mental health.  

Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, & that you have the right to set boundaries & defend yourself.  It may take time & effort, but with patience & perseverance, you’ll learn to set boundaries & take good care of yourself!

Adults Who Were Invalidated In Childhood: The Lasting Effects

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, but the scars are often invisible.  Children who are invalidated, or told that their feelings & experiences are not valid, carry that pain into adulthood.  The effects can lead to a lack of self-esteem, difficulty with relationships, & a constant need for validation from others.  Today, we’ll discuss signs of invalidation & ways that adults who were invalidated as children may still be impacted by that trauma.

Some common signs of invalidation include:

Telling children to be understanding of those who hurt them: When a child is hurt by someone else, it’s important to validate their feelings & let them know that it’s not ok for someone to hurt them.  If a child is told to just “get over it” or “be the bigger person,” they learn that their own feelings are not important.

Saying they’re oversensitive: Children who are told that they’re “too sensitive” learn to suppress their emotions.  This leads to a lack of emotional regulation & difficulty expressing themselves later in life.

Parents mocked their likes & dreams: When a child is excited about something, whether it’s a new hobby or career aspiration, it’s important to encourage & support them.  However, if a child’s interests are constantly belittled, they learn to hide their passions & desires.

Children who were invalidated develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain & trauma they experience.  Some common behaviors include:

Seeking validation from others: Adults who were invalidated as children have a constant need for validation from others.  They seek out those who will validate their feelings & experiences, & struggle with feeling like they’re not “good enough” without that validation.

Not allowing themselves to show vulnerability to others: Because adults who were invalidated learned their feelings are not important, they struggle with showing vulnerability to others.  They may feel like they need to appear confidentt, & struggle with asking for help when they need it.

Apologizing often: Adults who were invalidated feel like they’re always in the wrong, even when they’re not.  They apologize excessively or take on blame that isn’t theirs in order to avoid conflict or criticism.

Over-explaining: Because adults who were invalidated learned that their experiences & feelings are not valid, they often feel like they need to explain themselves.  This leads to over-explaining or defending oneself excessively, even when it’s not necessary.

Perfectionism: Adults who were invalidated often feel like they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable or loveable.  They have high expectations for themselves & struggle with failure, which frequently leads to anxiety & depression.

Healing from emotional abuse isn’t easy, but it’s possible.  Some things that are helpful include:

Prayer:  God is the only one who truly understands how you feel.  He made you, so He obviously knows you better than anyone.  Allow Him to help you heal & to teach you what you need to do to heal.

Self-compassion: Learning to be kind & compassionate to oneself is a powerful tool for healing.  Forgive your mistakes easily.  Practice self-care & self-compassion on a regular basis.

Learn to practice self validation rather than relying on others to validate you:  Adults who were invalidated as children need to learn to validate their own feelings & experiences & to value their own opinion of themselves more than that of others.

Invalidation has long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health & ability to form healthy relationships.  However, healing is possible.

Narcissists Train Victims to Expect Nothing From Them

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?  If so I bet that person always made you feel like you were asking for too much.  Did they also make you believe that your needs were insignificant & selfish?  Such things are typical narcissist behavior.

Narcissists manipulate & control their victims to meet their own needs & wants while disregarding the victim’s feelings & desires.  One of the ways they do this is by training their victims to expect nothing from them.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often are afraid to ask for anything from the narcissist with whom they are in a relationship.  They have learned that asking for anything is a huge crisis & usually leads to emotional abuse & manipulation.  

Training their victims to expect nothing from them starts with small things, such as not responding to texts or calls, canceling plans at the last minute, or forgetting important dates or events.  Victims start to feel like they can’t rely on the narcissists & that their needs don’t matter.

Over time, narcissists criticize their victims for asking for anything.  They imply or say outright that their partner is demanding, a nag, selfish, & thinks of no one but themselves.  Narcissists make their victims feel guilty for even bringing up their needs or wants.  For example, if a victim asks their narcissistic romantic partner to spend more time with them, the narcissist may respond by saying that they need their space & that their partner is too clingy.  They will make their partner feel like they are a problem & that they need to change their behavior to accommodate the narcissist.

Victims of narcissistic abuse quickly learn that asking for anything comes at a high cost.  Narcissists use any opportunity to make their partner feel guilty or ashamed for asking for anything, no matter how small.  They use emotional blackmail, gaslighting, & other manipulation tactics to make their partner feel like they are the problem.  They make their partner feel like they are asking for too much & that they should be able to handle everything on their own.  An example is this: if a victim asks their partner for help with something, the narcissist may respond by saying that they are too busy or that their partner is being too needy.

Over time, victims naturally internalize the messages.  They believe that their needs are unimportant & that they should stop asking for anything from their partner.  They become hyper-focused on the narcissist’s needs & desires, forgetting their own in the process.

Breaking free from the abusive cycle is possible.

The first step is to pray.  God has helped me & taught me so much about narcissistic abuse. He is vital in dealing with these people.  Ask Him for wisdom & courage, ask Him to help you recognize the manipulation tactics of the narcissist & anything else you need.  The more you recognize what the narcissist is doing, the less likely you are to tolerate abuse.

It also helps so much to question from an unemotional, logical perspective.  Does what he or she says make sense?  Why is it ok for me to do for them, but they can’t do for me?  Questions like this can help you to gain clarity in your situation.

Narcissists train their victims to expect nothing from them by making them feel guilty & ashamed for asking for anything, while they ask for anything, no matter the cost to their victims.  This is one more way they destroy their victim’s self esteem & train them to shrink themselves so they can focus only on the narcissist.  Breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse is possible, but it takes faith, courage, & determination.  

If You Feel Stupid Or Weak Because You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist, Please Read This

Every January, I write a blog post with the purpose of encouraging those who maintain a relationship with a narcissist. You’re in a very difficult & painful position. No doubt you also have been judged & criticized harshly. It’s about time for you to receive some kindness for a change.

If you have been unable to end a relationship with a narcissist, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid or weak at all, although I certainly understand why you feel that way.  Fighting a narcissist is mentally & physically draining.  When the time is right, you’ll know it & have the strength to end the relationship. Timing is very important, & maybe you haven’t been able to end the relationship simply because the timing isn’t right.

Narcissists often destroy their victims financially, making them completely dependent on them.  Being in this position doesn’t make you stupid or weak! It means you have been a victim of financial abuse.

Narcissists often make victims feel forced to maintain the relationship with them.  Somehow they make their victims feel they owe the narcissist. My ex husband did that, which is why I married him in spite of not wanting to. Many threaten their victim if he or she says they want to leave.  They threaten to keep them from their children or even kill their children.  They threaten to kill their loved ones or pets.  When this happens, who wouldn’t stay out of fear the narcissist will follow through on such threats?!  That doesn’t make anyone stupid or weak.  It makes you someone who loves others & wants to protect them.

Narcissists also often make their victims feel obligated to the relationship somehow.  They may twist Scripture around to make you seem evil for considering ending the relationship.  Or they may manipulate your good nature & make you pity them.  If that is your situation, it’s manipulation, not stupidity or weakness on your part!

Maybe the narcissist has destroyed your self-esteem so badly, you feel incapable of surviving without that person.  Sadly, this happens all the time!  Feeling this way isn’t a sign of stupidity or weakness at all.  It’s a sign that a great deal of abuse has taken place.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is hard!  It takes a great deal of cunning & strength to maintain your sanity to continue on in such an awful situation.

If ending the relationship is your goal, that is so wise & brave!  It also isn’t the quick, easy fix many people seem to think it is.  If you live with the narcissist, then you know that it’ll take time to prepare financially, to arrange for a new place to live, & more.  Whether or not you live with the narcissist though, it also takes time to figure out the best way to end that relationship to minimize their rage as well as for you to summon the courage to follow through with your plans.

No, you definitely aren’t stupid or weak.  If you’re looking for solutions, that shows you are smart & also strong.  Obviously you want to survive this situation & that courage of yours will pay off.  You will get through this with your dignity & your sanity in tact!

For Those Who Grew Up With Covert And Overt Narcissistic Parents In The Same Home

Covert narcissists can be so much more challenging to identify than overt narcissists.  Overt narcissists are so loud & obvious that they are easy to spot.  Covert narcissists are much slyer, subtle & quiet with their abuse. 

For the child with one overt narcissistic parent & the other a covert narcissist, it can be especially challenging.  Anyone compared to the loud, raging parent seems good by comparison.  This works out very well for the covert narcissist parent.  The child naturally prefers them & is willing to do anything to please them. 

To insure their child keeps them as the preferred parent, often times, that parent will shower them with praise.  That child can do no wrong.  A child who is starving for a parent’s love & affection will crave this. 

The covert narcissist parent also confides in the child about their relationship problems with the other parent.  They may even convince the child that he or she needs to protect them from the other parent, while never suggesting that they protect the child.

The child in this situation is naturally drawn even more to that parent, creating a larger wedge between them & their other parent.  This provides narcissistic supply to the covert narcissistic parent, because they are known to their child as the good parent.

This behavior continues for years until that child shows some hints of independence.  Suddenly, the pedestal that child has been on all her life begins to wobble.  That loving parent who was so full of praise suddenly starts making a few negative comments.  It is baffling to the child, especially when it becomes more & more frequent.  Then one day, the mask comes off entirely, & that child realizes their “good” parent is just as bad as their “bad” parent.

This happened in my situation.  My entire childhood, my father showered me with praise & wouldn’t tell me no.  Both of my parents confided in me about their marital woes, but my father did it even more than my mother.  I honestly thought he & I had a great relationship & my mother was the real problem.

Suddenly one day when I was in my early 20’s, my father criticized my car.  That was the beginning of the end.  After that, he slowly became more critical of me, my husband, our home, our pets & friends too.

Eventually I learned about emotional incest, which clued me in to some of his behavior.  I started trying to set some boundaries with him, which he didn’t like.  He liked my boundaries even less when I set more & more boundaries after learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He would become angry & passive/aggressive when I set boundaries.  And, he barely let me speak when we had conversations.  This continued for a few years until I eventually went no contact with both of my parents.

If your situation is similar to mine, know you are not alone!  This is typical of people with one overt narcissistic parent & one covert.  I know it can make you feel like you’re going crazy but you aren’t!  This is simply what they do.  It is no reflection on you, but on their narcissism.  They can’t handle losing the control they once had over their children, & unlike overt narcissists, they won’t obviously show their rage.  They prefer to quietly tear apart their children to punish them for growing up.  Yes, this is truly ridiculous, but it is how they think. 

Please just remember what I have said.  No matter what your parent thinks, you haven’t done anything wrong by growing up, setting boundaries & having your own life.  Just keep doing what you need to do & let your parent be mad if they want.  Anyone mad at their own child for growing up clearly has serious problems!

The Dynamics Of Abusive Families

Being abused by family members is a horrible & traumatic experience.  It can leave you feeling scared, alone, & confused at best, living with PTSD or C-PTSD at worst.

If you have been abused by a family member, it’s so important to remember that you are not to blame.  Nothing done to you was your fault!  The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your abuser!  Many families don’t see things that way, however.  They blame the victim & defend the abuser.  It’s so shocking that people you thought cared about you attack you rather than offer love & support.  It even can make you wonder if they’re right & you are to blame. 

I want to reassure you today that is absolutely NOT the case!  These people choose to see you as the compliant, victim that you were as a child.  They don’t see you as a capable, intelligent adult.  The reason for this is the cowardice of such people.

Families with at least one abuser are a highly dysfunctional group of people.  Ironically, usually the victim is the most functional, healthy person in the bunch, because they are often the only person willing to discuss the abuse, set boundaries & work on living a healthy life.  Other relatives don’t want any parts of this.  If they admit one of their relatives is an abusive monster, it shatters their delusions that the family member they love isn’t as wonderful as they thought.  It’s hard to deal with learning someone you think highly of is a horrible person, & cowardly people avoid that.

Another problem many people in these dysfunctional families have with recognizing a relative is abusive is it shatters the delusion they have of their family being wonderful or even perfect.  They have created this façade of being just one big happy family, & admitting one of them is a monster would be undeniable proof that their family isn’t so great.

People like this often have been abused either by the same relative who abused you or a different relative, & are too afraid of their pain to deal with it in a healthy way.  Instead, they deny any abuse ever took place, & not only in their life, but in other people’s lives.  If they can normalize abuse, then what happened to them was ok.  Often, people like this feel shame for what was done to them, & convincing themselves that what happened was ok also proves to them that they are ok.

Older family members in such families are the ones expected to protect the children.  When they fail to do so, there is a lot of guilt involved, whether or not they realize it.  If they can deny abuse happened or find a way to blame the victim, they are absolved of any guilt in their mind. 

Abusers find ways to blame victims.  In the dysfunctional family setting, doing this makes it acceptable to abuse the victim.  Anyone & everyone can treat the victim however badly they want to, because it’s ok.  That victim then becomes the scapegoat for all of the family problems.  This works out well for the family because they don’t have to change, do any self reflection or improvements.

If you’re in this situation, my heart truly goes out to you!  I know the pain & frustration of this since I have lived it myself.  You’re not alone!  My Facebook group is full of caring, supportive people who have experienced this type of behavior.  You’re welcome to join if you like! 

It also helps to remember that you’re not crazy or to blame for any of this.  If you’re struggling to do that, the best piece of advice I know to give you is pray.  God will help ground you & show you the truth.  He’s done it with me countless times & will be glad to do it for you too. 

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

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Why Victims Of Child Abuse Are Often Drawn To Unusual Things

Growing up with a childhood of abuse has many deep lasting effects that follow us into adulthood.  One of those effects can be an attraction to things that are unusual or have been judged negatively by society.  People from childhoods marked by abuse often find themselves drawn to things others may not understand.  For example, it’s not uncommon for those with histories of child abuse to be drawn to thunderstorms, scary stories, true crime documentaries, abandoned homes, old furniture, animals that are feared, & plants that are perceived to be “weeds.”

This kind of unusual attraction can be because on some level, these unusual things provide solace and comfort to the abuse survivors, a sense of kinship that has been absent from their lives.  When a person has grown up knowing fully well that they are unloved & unwanted, it is natural for them to develop an affinity for things of life that have been discarded by other people.

When abuse survivors encounter unusual things like old toys or animals that nobody seems to care about, they unconsciously recognize something familiar in those objects or creatures.  They empathize with them & the rejection they have endured.  They also want to let them know that they are not the only ones who have been ostracized.  Child abuse survivors can also develop a powerful bond with the natural world.  Storms, in particular, give them a feeling of inner peace.

Another reason why victims of child abuse are often drawn to unusual things is that it provides a sense of comfort & security — something that was often lacking in an abusive childhood.  These unusual things won’t reject them as their parents did, & in the case of animals, offer them unconditional love, possibly for the first time in their life.

Being drawn to scary stories & true crime offer an outlet for the feelings they never were able to feel for themselves.  It’s perfectly acceptable to feel compassion & empathy for victims in such stories, which gives victims a safe outlet for those emotions they should’ve been allowed to feel for themselves.

Another common behavior for a child abuse survivor may be when they find insects in their home to let them out unharmed instead of crushing them, as though life is too precious to be taken away from anyone – even the smallest of creatures.  The feeling of wanting no one & no thing to feel the way they have been feeling is, by its nature, a deeply profound & powerful emotion, which explains why child abuse survivors develop an affinity with the unusual.

The ability to find solace in the unusual can show tremendous strength & resilience in the face of adversity.  It gives victims of child abuse a way to take back control of their lives & find something positive in a situation where many would see only darkness.  By finding joy in strange & unusual things, victims of child abuse can reclaim their lives & find a newfound sense of self-worth.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

Don’t Let Holiday Traditions Become False Gods

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.

Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.

However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.

I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.

When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.

Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.

Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”

Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.

Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.

Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.

Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.

Extreme Independence Is A Trauma Response

Many of us who have been abused have turned out to be extremely independent.  Although we have relationships in our lives, we try not to rely on other people at all, often even when we really need some help.  And, we often end up angry & resentful because people are so willing to let us help them while they rarely help us.  This makes us withdraw & maintain our independence or even become even more independent.  This behavior reinforces our lack of needing help to others in our lives, so they help or offer to help us even less, & the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Extreme independence is a trauma response in many people, & it happens for valid reasons. 

When you grow up with abusive parents, you learn people can’t be trusted to help you.  Abusive parents fail to meet many of their children’s most basic needs.  Even if they provide food, clothing & shelter, they fail to provide emotional support, to teach their children basic life skills & more.  Instead, they teach their children not to expect them to take care of them, becoming angry with them if they do.  Such treatment teaches children that if they want to avoid other people’s anger, disappointment or being hurt, they need to rely only on themselves when they have needs.

Narcissistic parents are possibly the most effective abusive parents when it comes to creating extremely independent children.  They are too self absorbed to notice let alone care about their children’s needs.  Many also expect their children to take care of them instead of them taking care of their children.  Children in these situations aren’t allowed needs, only the parent is allowed to have them, so children learn to meet their own needs quietly without inconveniencing their parent.  These children also have learned a very painful lesson.  That lesson is when they “bother” their parent with their needs, they are a burden & disappointment to that parent.  Overt narcissistic parents often rage at their children for having the audacity to bother them with their needs.  Covert narcissistic parents are quieter, but still make sure their children know they shouldn’t inconvenience their parent with their needs.  They act disappointed in their child, making the child feel guilty or even ashamed of themselves.  Many narcissistic parents also twist the situation around to return the focus back on the parent.  They may claim they work so hard & sacrifice so much for their child, yet all he or she does is want more.  Or if the parent doesn’t want to meet the child’s need, that parent may claim they are unable to do anything about meeting this need, & even make their child feel badly for them.

Other abusive relationships can cause someone to become extremely independent, too.  Consider the significant other who is too busy with other people to help you when needed or the friend who constantly asks for your help but never helps you.  After being disappointed by these people repeatedly, most people naturally will pull away from them & ask less of them & other people.

If you are extremely independent, learning to be more balanced isn’t easy.  I know, because I struggle with this too.  I also can tell you there is no magical fix for this problem.  It takes time & a willingness to change.  Asking God to help you is the best place to start in my opinion, then do whatever He says to do.  Following His lead will put you on the right path.  Also ask the safe people in your life for help sometimes.  They will be very glad to help you, even if that help is simply to encourage you.  Doing this will help you to gain confidence in the area of asking for help.

Lastly, always continue to learn & grow.  The healthier you become, the easier it becomes to lose toxic habits & mindsets, & also to have a more balanced view of independence.

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What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

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When People Make You Feel Overly Responsible For Your Relationships

In 2014, I shared a picture on Facebook.  It was taken on my parents’ wedding day in 1969.  In the picture, they were standing by my father’s car, talking to my mother’s uncle.  A rather innocent picture that I mistakenly thought even my highly judgmental, critical family wouldn’t have a problem with me sharing.  I was wrong.

The first comment was from one cousin.  She mentioned how my father & I shared a love of old cars.  He always taught me about cars.  Not only maintenance, but identifying engines, years, makes & models.  I said it was about the only thing we had in common but we really did share that love of cars.  She didn’t respond to my comment.  One of our aunts, however, did.  She was a very devoted flying monkey & covert narcissist, as is evident by her reaction.

This aunt attacked me & said I needed to figure out more things to share with my father.  She was so hateful that I simply deleted her comment without responding.  I knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears, so it wasn’t worth my time or energy to explain my side to her.

Wasn’t this ridiculous though?! My aunt said I should be the one to change to please my father.  Obviously she didn’t care about me, my feelings or interests.  She never told my father about how he should try to get interested in things I like to please me.  And, as the icing on the cake, she was disrespectful & down right hateful in sharing her ludicrous opinions with me.

This is how it often is with adult children of narcissistic parents.  We are the ones given the responsibility of making relationships in our lives work.  We grow up knowing we must figure out how to please our parents at all times.  After we grow up, it seems that not only are we supposed to make the parental relationship work, but other relationships too.  Marriages, in-laws, friendships, coworker relationships.. all are our responsibility according to many people in our lives. 

In thinking about this, I have developed a theory about why people think it’s up to victims to make relationships work.  We are the safe ones to put that burden on.

Consider my situation with my aunt.  She remembers me as the blindly obedient, terrified child I once was.  She clearly thought I was still easy to boss around & probably still starved for the approval of my parents.  These factors would make me the easier person to confront in this situation than my father who, like her, was a covert narcissist.  It makes sense in a way that she took the easy route by dealing with me instead of him.

While in an odd way, it’s almost a complement that someone feels safe so with you, it still just, well, stinks!  It’s not right for people to make you feel as if you’re the one who needs to do all the work & make all the changes in that situation!  If they are going to talk to you about making changes, they should talk to the other person as well.

If you are in this situation, you have rights!  You can ask this person why they think it’s ok to put this pressure on you while saying nothing to the other person (which might get them off your back because they can have no good answer to this question!).  You can tell them this topic isn’t up for discussion & refuse to discuss it with them.  You can set whatever boundaries you need to in order not to take full responsibility for fixing things, because that responsibility is not 100% yours!  Don’t let someone make you feel as if it is.  You deserve better than that!