Tag Archives: abusive

When Parents Abuse Their Adult Children

Growing up with abusive parents, most kids think that once they turn 18 &/or move out, all their problems will be over.  Many victims marry very young trying to rush this process along, & who can blame them?

The problem is though, this mindset is wrong.  The abuse merely changes, it doesn’t stop.

In my experience, I left home at 19 after my first nervous breakdown.  Although I didn’t know exactly what had happened to me at that time, I knew in my heart that I had to leave or lose my sanity.  I moved back in 6 months later for only four days.  On the last day, my mother & I got into an argument which escalated quickly into a physical fight, & she slammed me into a wall.  I believe she wanted to kill me that night.  I also believed that since I determined never to live in that house again, the abuse was a thing of the past. My mother never laid another hand on me again after that night, November 28, 1990.  That didn’t mean she never abused me again, however.

After that horrible night, my mother continued to verbally abuse me.  Everything about me was subject to her harsh judgement &  criticisms, just as it had been when I was living with her.  When I had to quit work a few months later due to my back pain from her assault, my mother made it clear she was convinced I was faking the pain because I was too lazy to work.  She never said those words exactly, but she would slap me in the back where my pain was, hand me heavy items or tell me I needed to help her move something heavy.

As my parents got older & frailer, my mother expected me to help them.  When I did help, my parents were cruel, especially my mother.  She gave me a diet soda one day when I was there.  The cruelty was the artificial sweetener in it was known to cause a laxative effect in some people.  She waited until I emptied the bottle to tell me this & how it negatively affected my father.  For the remainder of the visit, she & my father continually asked me how my stomach felt or did I need to use the bathroom.

My mother had irritable bowel syndrome.  After having an issue, she called to tell me I had to wash her clothes the next day because “I owed it to her since she took care of me as a baby.”  The next day I took rubber gloves along in case I had to touch any laundry since I’m not good with body functions.  My mother watched me take off those gloves, then told me to hold out my hands.  With a smile, she put her nasty clothes in my bare hands & said “I forgot, these need to go in the washer too.”

The point of these stories is this: narcissistic parents don’t stop abusing their children when they become adults.  They merely change the ways in which they abuse them.

As narcissists age, they can’t be the physically intimidating presence to their child anymore.  And, their child has grown up, so even if they were able to magically stay the same, their child probably wouldn’t be intimidated like they once were.  Also, threats of punishment from a parent don’t work on an adult as they would on a child.  Due to losing so many of their once successful ways of abusing their child, narcissists have to come up with new ways to abuse.

Some of those new ways may involve financial abuse, guilt trips to make their child think they owe the parent, misusing their medications to make themselves ill, or even threatening suicide.

If such things are happening to you, you’re not alone!  You also have nothing to feel ashamed of!  The shame lies with your parent, not you!  Do what you need to in order to protect yourself.  You do NOT deserve to be abused!!

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To My “Family”..

Since my mother’s death in April, I have received some written communication from my “family” (using that term VERY loosely).  Others have called my mother’s home.  I can only assume that is some lame attempt to contact me.  I have long since blocked their phone numbers so they can’t reach me, & why else would anyone call that number knowing its owner is dead?

Rather than speaking to these people, I figured since many are nosy enough to read my work, I’ll send a message via my blog.  I may even add this as a page to my website since I know they also frequent it, not sure yet.

Anyway… onto what I have to say.

If any of you who are attempting to contact me are looking for some sort of handout, that is NOT going to happen.  I will NOT enable your bad behavior (like your greed & poor money management skills), nor will I be anyone’s doormat.  Find someone else to use.

If you want something that belonged to either of my parents: you need to realize the nastier, more demanding or manipulative you are to me, the less likely the chances I will give you anything.  It doesn’t matter if my mother once told you that you could have some specific item when she died.   What matters now is what is written in her will, & specific items aren’t listed.  Since she assigned me as her personal representative, this means everything is now mine to do with however I see fit.  I am boxing up some items to send to people she was close to.  I will send them when I get the time.  There is no need to contact me or to rush me.  Showing up at my home or my parents’ home will result in me calling the police to have you removed from the property.

If you’re trying to contact me so you can share your opinions on how I am handling this situation, because I didn’t have a funeral for my mother or even because I had no relationship with my parents since 2016, I really don’t care what you think.  Your opinions mean nothing whatsoever to me, & I won’t listen to them.  Trying to contact me to share them is a waste of your time & energy.

If you harass me, some of you should know, I have saved evidence of your previous harassment.  For one relative, I have  plenty of documentation of your harassment dating back as far as 2013.  I have plenty of evidence from the past, & will save any & all new evidence.  I will involve the police if you force my hand.

To that one “special” cousin who showed up uninvited & unwelcome to my mother’s private burial just to give me grief, cause your big scene & refuse to leave, you astound me.  You truly have NO class.  You clearly also have zero respect.  Obviously no respect for me which you’ve already made abundantly clear, but also none for yourself or my mother.  You claimed to be at the burial for my mother, yet you yelled at & treated me like dirt AT HER GRAVE.  No respect!  Count your blessings I have the common decency not to act like trash at a burial, because that is the only reason I behaved as well as I did towards you that day.

I also want to say to my family: leave me alone.  I have nothing to say to anyone, nor do I want to hear anything from anyone.  All I want is for my so-called family to leave me alone.

No doubt by now some smug, “holier than thou” people are  reading this & judging me for being angry.  No doubt you also think that makes me bitter, unforgiving, a fake or a “bad Christian” as my family has called me before.  It doesn’t.  Even Jesus got angry.  Several times his anger is documented in the Bible.  Maybe if you actually read a Bible instead of twisting the few Scriptures you know to fit your agenda, you’d know this.  You really should try reading the Bible sometime.  You might learn something.

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Abusers Don’t Abuse Just Anyone

So many people seem to think that because an abusive person was pleasant with them, it means that person wasn’t abusive.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  Abusers are very selective in the specific types of people they wish to abuse.  This means not everyone fits into the abusive person’s agenda.

Abusers aim for people who have experienced abuse in their past.  Most people, including victims, will assume the victim is the problem if they have had multiple abusive relationships, because he or she is the common denominator in these awful relationships.  It makes sense to some degree to think that way.  However, it doesn’t mean that is always the truth.

Abusers also aim for empathetic people with a kind heart because they are much more willing to excuse abuse.  These people will understand that their abuser has suffered trauma in some way, so they tell themselves that their abuser is only acting out of dysfunction.  This leads them to tolerate a great deal of abuse that they normally wouldn’t be willing to tolerate.  I did this with my parents & my late mother in-law.  I can tell you that it was a huge mistake which led to me being hurt a great deal.

Or, people with a kind heart may want to try to “fix” this “broken” person as a way to help them.  Although the fact that they want to help people is quite admirable, this line of thinking can set a person up for abusive people to take advantage of & hurt them.

Insecure people are also a good target for abusive people, because abusers realize that insecure people are very pliable.  It won’t take a great deal of work for a narcissist to change someone who is insecure into whatever it is a narcissist wants.

If you aren’t insecure though, chances are good that your self confidence was seen as a challenge to your abuser.  While narcissists do like insecure victims, confident ones also are a good thing in their mind.  Confident victims are a bit of a challenge.  If they can destroy a confident person, then they see themselves as very powerful, which provides a great deal of narcissistic supply.

In order to avoid these awful situations, I have some suggestions.

First, as always I recommend prayer.  Turn to God & He will help you.  Talk to Him about whatever it is you feel & ask Him to help you.  Ask Him to identify easily the red flags & to give you creative ideas to cope with this situation.

If there is something about a person that makes you uncomfortable, even if all outward signs look good, trust that the uncomfortable feeling is there for a reason.  Watch the person’s actions closely for either good or bad signs & it won’t take you long before you recognize whether this person is abusive or not.

Also, always remember your boundaries & do NOT compromise them!  What are you comfortable with or uncomfortable with?  What are you willing to do or not willing to do?  You have every right to feel as you do & to enforce those boundaries however you feel is appropriate.

Keep learning, growing & getting healthier.  The more you do that, the less abusive people will be attracted to you.  Abusers of all types size people up quickly, & if they see right away that you’re emotionally & mentally healthy, they will be more inclined to leave you alone.  As an added bonus, the healthier you are, the more other healthy, functional people will be attracted to you.

Lastly, never, ever forget that even if someone does abuse you, that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.  Ultimately, the choice to abuse someone belongs squarely on the shoulders of the abuser, not the victim.  There is nothing any victim can do to force someone to abuse them.

There is no way to avoid abusive people entirely simply because they are everywhere.  However, there are things you can do to reduce your chances of being abused.

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About Victim Blaming

Victim blaming is a common phenomenon in society today.  The woman who was abused by her husband is to blame for not leaving him sooner.  The victim of rape is blamed for being drunk or high.  The victim of theft is blamed for not locking his door.

This awful phenomenon invalidates the pain of the victim.  It can make a victim feel as if she wouldn’t have done what she did, then the traumatic event wouldn’t have happened.  How could she possibly have the right to be upset?  It’s an absolutely awful thing to do to someone, making them feel this way!  No one deserves traumatic, terrible things to happen to them.  What victims do deserve is kindness, understanding & support.

Whether the person blaming the victim is the cause for the victim’s pain or not, blaming her also enables that person to distance himself from the victim & her pain.  If the victim is the cause of her own suffering, then he need not feel sorry for her or try to help her.  If the victim caused her own suffering, then the abuser need not feel bad for doing whatever it was he did to her.

Narcissists love victim blaming.  It serves them very well.  I lost track of how many times my mother told me I was the reason she “had” to abuse me.  She even called it “tough love” instead of what it really was, abuse.  She claimed if I didn’t do whatever it was I had done (or she thought I had done in most cases), she wouldn’t have been forced to scream at me, destroy my things, etc. etc.

If you have been on the receiving end of victim blaming, please do not allow that trash to get inside you!  You did NOT deserve what was done to you!  You are not to blame, the abuser is!  You have every right to be angry, hurt, & yes, even traumatized!  Don’t believe those fools who tell you that you deserved it.  Anyone who blames an innocent victim has serious emotional problems.

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There Is More Than Fight Or Flight

Most everyone is aware of the fight or flight response.  This describes how a person reacts to extremely stressful situations, such as being attacked.

Fight means you aggressively fight back, because you believe you can defeat the danger.  When it happens, you feel intense anger, may cry or punch people or things, you may grind your teeth & chances are excellent your stomach will be in knots.

Flight means you run from the danger, because you believe you can’t defeat it.  When it happens, you feel fidgety & anxious.  You can’t stay still.  You want to run for the hills immediately.

There are two other responses beyond fight or flight that are seldom mentioned.  Freezing & fawning are the other two responses.

Freezing means when you’re unable to act in these awful situations.  You can’t think clearly.  Think of a deer in headlights.  That deer sees the danger heading straight for him, but is frozen in place.  This happens when you believe you can’t escape or defeat the attacker.  Freezing literally makes you cold when it happens.  Your body feels heavy & hard to move, sometimes it can feel numb as well.

Lastly, there is fawning.  This happens when in an acutely stressful situation, you do your best to comply with their attacker as an attempt to save yourself.  Like freezing, it happens when you believe you can’t escape or defeat your attacker.  Fawning is a typical response of those who have been in abusive relationships.  People who fawn realized that fighting, flight & freezing didn’t work, which is why they resorted to fawning.  They found that concerning themselves with the well being of their abuser was their best chance at diffusing the situation.

While fight, flight, freeze & fawn are very different responses, they all share the same goal: to diffuse or preferably end the situation & protect yourself.  A problem is often people get stuck in only one or maybe two responses when each one can be helpful in different circumstances.  This is especially common in those with PTSD or C-PTSD.  The responses become habitual.  The best way I know to overcome this is to recognize what you do in such situations.  Considering how you acted, without any judgment of course, can help you to discern which acute stress responses you have used.  When faced with danger after doing this, you’re more likely to respond after a bit of thought rather than react as in acting without thought.

Another issue can be for those who have experienced multiple traumas.  We can perceive threats when there isn’t one.  It helps to learn to slow down your thinking a bit so you can decide whether or not the threat is real.  Taking a long, deep breath in then releasing it slowly only takes a couple of seconds, but it can slow your body & mind down enough to help you figure out the situation as well as the best way to respond.

Past trauma can affect your life in so many ways.  Learning to manage your responses can be one way to help yourself handle stressful & even new traumatic situations in healthier ways.

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Why People Choose To Believe Narcissists Over Their Victims

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Thinking Of Confronting Your Narcissistic Parent?

During the course of healing from narcissistic abuse, you may want to confront your narcissistic parent.  You may want to let her have it, to tell her she’s abusive & evil, to tell her although she tried, she didn’t destroy you & many other things.  In your fantasy of doing this, she breaks & apologizes for all of the hurt she has caused you.  She says she wants to change, & to make it up to you for all of the damage she has done.

Unfortunately this is a very unrealistic expectation.

Narcissists don’t admit to any wrong doing on their part.  They often do one of three things- either blame the victim for making them do what they did, say it happened an entirely different way or deny it ever happened in the first place.  As a result, often confronting the narcissist is more damaging to the victim than if they don’t confront.

Confrontation is certainly your choice.  You have every right to call out an abuser on her abusive behavior.  However, you need to have realistic expectations on how the situation may happen for it to be a healthy choice for you.

If you confront your narcissistic parent, will it help you to get it all out to her?  Will it help you to call her out on what she has done even if she denies it or blames you?  If so, then confrontation is a good option for you.

However, if you expect that your narcissistic mother will suddenly have a moment of lucidity, then accept full responsibility for her actions, genuinely repenting of what she has done, you are setting yourself up for serious disappointment.  In fact, that disappointment may be devastating for you.

Probably around 10 years ago, my father went through a phase of complaining even more than usual about his & my mother’s marriage to me.  I hate that!  That is emotional incest & abusive!  I don’t want or need to know about their marriage problems, yet both of my parents have dumped them on me my entire life.  One day when I saw him alone, I finally decided enough was enough.  I was tired of changing the subject to get him to stop complaining.  I had to tell him that he was hurting me, & it needed to stop.  So I did.  I told him those words- “It hurts me when you complain to me about your marriage & about Mom.  Please stop it.  Find someone else to talk to.”  He responded by saying, “Oh ok.. but just this one more thing…” He went on to complain about her for 45 more minutes until he left my home!  (Yes, I timed it!  I was curious how long it’d go on.)  I ended up even more hurt than I was originally, because at this point, he knew he was hurting me yet did what hurt me anyway.

When considering confronting your narcissistic parent, please consider it long & hard.  Pray about it too, & ask God to show you what you should do & if you should confront, how you should do it.  I would hate to see you hurt, Dear Reader, so please do those things before you confront your narcissistic parent!  xoxo

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What Can Happen When Ending A Relationship With A Narcissist

When a relationship ends, the average person is sad for some time.  They may fondly remember special times with the other person or great conversations.  They miss such things, but in time, they’re ok.  They move on & get involved in other relationships.  This is a healthy way to cope, because it allows a person to heal.

Nothing like this happens with narcissists.

Narcissists are incapable of truly loving.  Because of this, a relationship that has ended doesn’t affect them in the same way as it affects your average person..  They don’t miss the person they love, but instead, they miss their favorite source of narcissistic supply.  This is why they act differently than functional people when a relationship ends.  Narcissistic supply is like a drug to them.  When a relationship ends, they’re losing their “fix”, if you will.  That isn’t an easy thing for any addict to handle.

To start with, narcissists don’t usually understand why someone ends a relationship with them.  To understand, they would need at least some empathy, which most people know is something that all narcissists lack.  They don’t understand why their ex would object to them cheating, why that former friend complained that they took advantage of their good nature, or why their adult child was hurt when they cut their child out of the will for simply telling the parent, “no.”  Narcissists are incapable of grasping such concepts.  In their minds, they’re entitled to whatever they want.  Besides, the behavior didn’t hurt them, so it isn’t important to them.  If it had hurt them, they’d change their behavior at the speed of sound.  Since it didn’t though, they are left baffled why their partner, friend or child ended the relationship. What the other person wanted or felt wasn’t so much as a blip on their radar.  All that matters to a narcissist is what they want, which usually boils down to their precious narcissistic supply.  Since the wants of the narcissist & victim are vastly different & the victim’s are not even considered by the narcissist, usually the end of a relationship catches them by surprise.  Their victims often warn them for months or even years in advance that they won’t tolerate the abuse forever, yet still, narcissists are shocked when someone ends a relationship with them.

Narcissists also don’t like rejection.  No one does, of course, but narcissists are infuriated by it.  Rejection is a narcissistic injury.  It makes them feel badly about themselves, so the person who rejected them must pay for making them feel that way.  Rather than walk away from the failed relationship with some semblance of dignity, most narcissists opt for revenge.  Overt narcissists often harass & stalk their victim, & get their flying monkeys in on the process as well.  They also will unleash a very impressive smear campaign, lying about the victim being the cause for the failure of the relationship because of being selfish, crazy, controlling & even abusive.  This often isolates the victim from friends & even family who believe the lies.  Covert narcissists are much less likely to harass & stalk their victim, since they prefer to look like a good person, but some will or have their flying monkeys do their dirty work for them.  They also don’t have any trouble creating a smear campaign, but it is much different than their overt counterparts.  Rather than say outright their victim is crazy & abusive, they phrase their smear campaign in a way so as not to sound critical, but concerned instead.  They may say something along the lines of, “I’m not surprised my ex left me.  She got so mean when she took drugs.  She just wasn’t herself.  I hope she’ll be ok…”  See how this smear is?  It makes the person saying these things sound concerned & as if he isn’t trying to destroy the reputation of his ex girlfriend.  People will believe this type of smear campaign very easily, even if they know the ex in question & know she never took drugs.

There is also the likelihood of the narcissist trying to “hoover” the victim back into the relationship.  When this happens, the narcissist may do their best to make the victim believe they have changed.  They may make promises that they have no intention of keeping such as they won’t do whatever the victim complained about anymore.  Some other empty promises are if the victim would only take the narcissist back, he or she will be faithful, they’ll be less selfish, they’ll think more of their victim’s needs.  The narcissist also may shower the victim with expensive gifts or love letters.  They may send their flying monkeys to tell the victim how miserable they are without the victim, & how desperately they want to resume the relationship.  This is a tough one, I know.  When I first broke up with my now ex husband, it seemed like everyone we knew was telling me how sad he was, how miserable he was, how much he missed me & how I really should get back together with him.  I felt so incredibly guilty at that time that I agreed not only to return to him but to marry him after only a short time apart.

Sometimes, narcissists fall into depression after a relationship ends, too.  They have no coping skills & aren’t fully aware of their emotions, plus they just lost their narcissistic supply.  It’s normal they wouldn’t handle any break up well when you consider these facts.  This can be so hard for the person who ended the relationship.  When people tell you how sad this person is or he says he doesn’t want to live without you, it can be incredibly hard to take.  It can make you feel incredibly guilty & responsible, which is truly unfair.

If you experience these things after ending a relationship with a narcissist, I urge you to remember that the narcissist is acting this way not out of a genuine & healthy love for you, but because he or she is a narcissist.  They are incredibly dysfunctional people.  You stick to no contact, & remind yourself often exactly why you came to that decision.  Write things down if it helps, since writing can be an incredibly useful tool.  Also remember that person’s emotions aren’t your responsibility.   Don’t forget to document everything in case you need to involve the law at some point.  Even if you don’t, the documentation will help you a great deal to remember why you’re no contact.  It’ll also help you to see the way this person tries to manipulate you.  And, if the narcissist creates a smear campaign against you, never, ever react to it.  Any reaction would give this person narcissistic supply, so you deprive this person of that supply.  In time, he or she will get bored with your lack of reaction & give up the smearing.  Lastly, if the narcissist sends the flying monkeys after you, remember that few are truly innocent people who are fooled by the narcissist.  Most are also narcissists, I believe.  Treat them accordingly.  Remember to tell them nothing that you would object to the original narcissist knowing, in particular anything about the original narcissist.  Chances are the flying monkey will share everything you say with that person, so give them no material to work with.  Most importantly, pray & lean on God to help you get through this.  He truly will help you!

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About Passive/Aggressive Behavior

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Changes Happening With My Website

I have recently changed my website domain registration & hosting to a new company.  It’s going through those changes as we speak.  From what I see, it may take about a week for things to change then possibly add in more time for me to learn the new website building software & get it back up & running.

 

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause!  It’s unavoidable, though- my last website host & domain registrar went out of business without telling its customers.  In order to make any changes to my site, I had to make a change.  I really think it’s for the best though- this new company has no limits on how big my site can be or how many visitors it has each month!  Pretty cool, really.. just the change that isn’t so cool.

 

Anyway hopefully within the next 1-2 weeks, my site will be back & better than before at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com .  Thank you, Dear Reader, for your understanding & patience!  xoxo

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Thoughts About Honoring Parents

I recently read an article about Father’s Day. In it, the author gave valid reasons why we should honor our fathers. It was a very good article, but one thing about it bothered me- the author didn’t mention how exactly to honor our fathers. I thought I would discuss it here. Actually, I’ll refer to honoring parents, not only fathers.

When you have good & loving parents, you don’t have to have strict boundaries. Your parents respect them naturally, so boundaries aren’t a concern. However, with narcissistic parents, you have to have & enforce very strict boundaries. This is very honorable, because these boundaries encourage your parent to behave in a healthier manner.

When Mother’s Day or Father’s Day comes around, if you have good parents, you can be a blessing to them, enjoy yourself & have zero fear of repercussions. You can spend time with them, give them nice cards & gifts. Narcissistic parents? No. Doing those things for your narcissistic parents basically tells them their abuse is OK. You’ll show them love no matter how awfully they treat you. This is why it’s important to give more minimal gifts & rather neutral cards- you are recognizing them as your parents but at the same time, you’re not praising them for their great parenting skills. You never want to reward bad behavior!

Even going no contact can be very honorable when it comes to abusive parents. While many people think that no contact is dishonorable, it really isn’t. By severing ties, you are removing the opportunity for an abusive person to abuse you & commit sinful acts. You are also encouraging that person to change their behavior for the better, because you won’t have them in your life if they are abusive. You’re also removing the temptation from yourself of going off on the abuser.

Dear Reader, there is never, EVER anything honorable about tolerating abuse, & that includes tolerating it from parents. If you still have doubts, read this…

Psalm 101:5 (AMP)

“Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will silence;
The one who has a haughty look and a proud (arrogant) heart I will not tolerate.”

This verse tells me that God has no patience for narcissism. Since as His children we are called to be like Him (Ephesians 5:1-2; 1 Thessalonians 2:4), then we should have no patience for narcissism either, no matter who that narcissist is! If people disapprove of your refusal to tolerate your narcissistic parent’s abuse, well, that is their problem. Your job is to live a life that pleases God, not man…

Jeremiah 17:5

“Thus saith the LORD; Cursed [be] the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.” (KJV)

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Holiday Thoughts

For many people, the holiday season is a glorious time of year.  The time to enjoy friends, family & celebrations.  For others like me who have survived demanding, controlling, entitled or even narcissistic parents &/or in-laws however, the mere thought of the holidays brings about a feeling of dread.

 

My first & current mothers in-law both always demanded my husband’s & my presence every Thanksgiving & Christmas, no matter what.  Divorcing my ex & cutting my current in-laws out of my life in 2002 naturally ended their demands for me at least but the damage was done.  The enjoyment I once felt for the holidays was gone.  Years of spending holidays with people who obviously hated me or alone while my husband spent the day with his family destroyed all pleasure I’d once had in holidays.

 

I know that my story isn’t all that unusual.  So many others have been through very similar situations that I thought sharing some thoughts I’ve had on this topic might help you, Dear Reader.

 

When you develop this holiday bitterness, people aren’t always understanding.  Most people seem to want everyone to look forward to holidays with enthusiasm & joy, & if you don’t, they can be shaming.  Many others I know & I have been scolded for not trying to enjoy holidays, told they need to just focus on the joy of the day, everyone loves holidays, etc etc.  What these people fail to realize is this holiday bitterness didn’t happen over night.  We have tried to enjoy the holidays repeatedly, but demanding people ruined it by commanding us to do what they want us to do & treating us badly when we didn’t do it (well, often worse than usual since bad treatment is the norm with narcissists).  It came about when in-laws demand we ignore our own family in favor of them, & treated us badly & acted like something is wrong with us for not wanting to spend a holiday with them.  They also shame us for wanting to spend a holiday with our immediate family- our spouse & kids- rather than with them.  These people think shaming us & ordering us around is OK.  Really, how does that make any sense?

 

I’m not saying holiday bitterness is a good thing.  Frankly, it stinks!  I miss looking forward to the holidays & hate how I dread what was once a time of year I looked forward to.  What I am saying though is that there is no shame if you feel differently about holidays than the average person does.

 

Sometimes, too many bad seeds have been sown to overcome.  Something unpleasant is the only possible harvest when that happens.  Of course it’s a good idea to try to counteract the bad feelings, but if nothing works, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  If you can’t conquer holiday bitterness, it just means that some really bad things have been done that caused you to feel this way.

 

Dear Reader, I’m sorry you feel this nasty holiday bitterness.  I hope you can conquer it by starting your own traditions, avoiding negative people around the holidays, suggesting holiday gatherings with extended family on a different day near the actual holiday while you spend the holiday with your immediate family, etc.  If you can’t however, then at the very least, please don’t beat yourself up over it.  It’s simply a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, & it happens more often than you might think.

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Some Recent Miracles That I Believe Will Encourage You

I’ll warn you up front- this post may sound rather strange to you & will be long.  That being said, I want to share my story to encourage & help people understand just how much God truly loves His children!

As I mentioned previously, my father died on Monday, October 23.  That day was strange as were the following days.

Early that Monday afternoon, a neighbor of ours came by to visit as he frequently does.  He could tell I’d been crying & asked what was going on.  I told him that my father was being taken off life support that day, & I was sick of people attacking me for not being there.  He gave me some good advice that I want to share with you in case you’re going through a similar situation.  (Pardon the bad language in advance- this is just how he talks.  He’s not one to sugarcoat things, obviously, but he has a good heart.) He said, “”Girl, you gotta protect your heart. Don’t let that s**t get inside you. Crazy a*s people need to mind their own f*****g business.  They don’t know s**t about your situation.  You do what you need to & f**k them!”  My neighbor was absolutely right.  In these situations, people do need to mind their own business (not that they usually do unfortunately)!  You also have to protect your heart & not let their hatefulness get inside you.

A little later that same afternoon, before I knew my father was gone, a good friend of mine got a word from God.  He told her that He left my father on life support for so long to try to get him saved.  My father talked to God about many things but mostly why I wouldn’t see him.  He even argued with God & even said he was a good father.  God showed him otherwise.  My father also didn’t want to die with unfinished business- he wanted to see me, & God told him that wasn’t going to happen.  He showed him Heaven & Hell & told him to choose.  He eventually repented & chose Heaven.  About one hour later, my father was dead, passing quietly once life support was removed.

While my friend got this word, I was outside with my husband & our neighbor.  I saw a monarch butterfly & it felt odd somehow.  Usually butterflies are something my grandfather & I shared, but this didn’t feel that way.  Also, for some time, I’d had an odd sensing off & on of my father fighting with God & I felt it again when I saw the monarch.  I came inside my house a bit later,  & saw my friend’s message.  She said yes, my father was indeed fighting in the spiritual realm for quite some time.  God told her to tell me my father will see me again one day & he’s very sorry.  Also it’s because of all the prayers he finally got saved, & I am to continue praying for my mother.  (Never give up praying for someone, Dear Reader!!  God truly hears those prayers!!)

Later on Monday, I took a shower.  When I was about to get into the tub, I suddenly remembered something important.  Not long after my father went into the hospital, I’d asked God to give me a sign if my father was with Him after he died.  That was the monarch butterfly!  And, God spoke to me saying that me not having any contact with my father for his final few months served an important purpose- not only to protect myself, but also to get my father to reach out to God.

I messaged my friend with this new information once I got out  of the shower.  She agreed that I have my sign, the monarch, that my father is with God, & also to never give up praying for my mother.  God also told her those who judged & harassed me had better stop He’ll intervene.  Thankfully she also prayed a hedge of protection around me.

My friend also said she asked God,  “Why do they wait until the last minute!?”  The Lord told her, “Because they allowed the devil to take them captive to do his will,”  (2 Timothy 2:25-26  “in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26) and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.” (NKJV) )

And, she saw this verse come up on biblegateway.com (great site, by the way!!)  “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”. Galatians 6:2 (NKJV)  This is what she did for me- bore my burden on a day I needed help bearing it.

These Scriptures also came to her attention:

Matthew 19:23-30 “With God All Things Are Possible 23) Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24) And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” 25) When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” 26) But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” 27) Then Peter answered and said to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You. Therefore what shall we have?” 28) So Jesus said to them, “Assuredly I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29) And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife[a] or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. 30) But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” (NKJV)

My friend also said my father didn’t want to die, especially without seeing me.  He thought he was dying too soon & didn’t realize his eternity was depending on his choice at that time.  Thankfully, he did realize the truth though!

She also researched the symbolism of monarch butterflies. Monarchs are royalty – that is why God sent me the monarch butterfly as my sign, to say that my father is now a member of God’s royal family!

Tuesday, the following day, my husband took off work.  We went out & when we were coming out of one building, I saw another monarch butterfly!  What makes that especially interesting is that earlier in the morning, thinking about everything, I asked God if it was real & if so, give me a sign.  Honestly, it was hard to believe & quite overwhelming.  So God sent me another monarch!  Then at a traffic light, I saw a little yellow butterfly & heard my Granddad’s  voice say “Good job, Kid!” I immediately knew what he meant- good job keeping up the prayers in spite of everything.  Hearing his voice again wasn’t something that I ever expected to happen until I got to Heaven with him.. it was a beautiful gift.

Wednesday, after quite a bit of prayer, I wanted to visit the cemetery where my father was to be buried.  I had my father’s Bible for many years, because he’d asked me to put it in the casket with him when he died.  I opened the Bible & found many cards, paperwork, etc.  I cleaned out the things that didn’t look sentimental & found a sheet of notes my father wrote documenting some of the abusive things my mother had done to me.  I put it aside because I knew I couldn’t cope with it at that time.  Then, my husband & I went to the cemetery.  The cemetery staff kindly directed me to the proper funeral home that would take care of that, & a very lovely lady helped me make this possible. She even stated that it would be placed in the coffin where it couldn’t be seen, & no one would know it was there.  And, she gave me some memory cards.  I learned that my mother & worst of the flying monkeys were due to visit the cemetery that day but God spared me from running into her!

Then on Friday, the day my father was buried, I looked out the kitchen window & saw yet another monarch on the marigolds in my back yard.  I grabbed the camera & couldn’t see him when I got back to the window.  I saw some movement in the flowers so I went outside with the camera.  Finally as I got close, the butterfly flew out of the middle of the flowers directly towards me, then off over the house.

An interesting fact- monarch butterflies aren’t overly common in my area, let alone in October.  They migrate south from September-November, but here, usually by October, I don’t see any.

Anyway, when I came back into my house after seeing that monarch, I asked my Amazon Echo Dot to play music by Wham!  I thought some fun ’80’s music might be good for me.  Instead, it played Waylon Jennings’ song, “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line.”  I don’t know this song, which is truly strange since my father loves Waylon Jennings & I thought I’d heard every one of his songs.  This song is about a guy with a vicious, hateful wife & he stays with her in spite of it all.  I remembered my father saying once my mother told him if he left her, he’d never see me again.  I knew God & my father wanted me to know that he felt trapped & unable to protect me from my mother.

Later that afternoon I decided to get out the papers I’d found in my father’s Bible.  I only found one page of notes my father kept about conversations with my mother, even though it looks like there were others (there was a part of a sentence at the top of the page).  Reading his words hurt a lot, but I think I see more about why my father didn’t protect me or even really himself from my mother.  In fact, as I was writing this post & considering those notes, God spoke to my heart & said, “Your father didn’t have your inner strength.”

All of these bizarre occurrences have been extremely helpful.  It’s such a relief knowing my father is in Heaven.  I really didn’t think he’d make it.  It also showed me how kind & merciful God is.  I’d been praying for my father for quite some time.  I’d prayed for his salvation, I also asked God to take him before the Alzheimer’s got too bad, not to let him suffer when his time did come yet not to take him before getting saved.  Those prayers were all answered.  Every single one of them!!  God even gave me signs that they were answered- my intuition, the monarch butterflies & mostly the word from God to my friend.  And, although it was very hard for me to stay away from my father when he was dying, I know it was for an important purpose!  I’m sure many people won’t believe that since they thought I should obey them & go to him no matter what.  I know the truth though, & that is God wanted me to stay away as a way to reach my father!  God is truly amazing!

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One Person Cannot Fix A Relationship

Many of us raised by narcissistic parents have similar experiences.  One experience so many of us share is being told we need to fix things.  We need to find out what works & repair the damaged relationship with our narcissistic parent.

Maybe because so many people have such a warped view of the parent/child relationship they think the children should be the ones to fix it when there is a problem.  Or, maybe it’s simply because people realize that we are the reasonable, sane ones & the narcissist isn’t, they think we should fix it.  Either way, the expectation is absolutely absurd.

The simple fact is that one person can’t fix a relationship.  It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one, especially when one person in the relationship is a narcissist.

Narcissists are unlike normal people in many ways.  One of which is they do not have the capacity to care what others think or feel.  All they want is what matters, period.  Healthy relationships require both people to actively work on it & consider what the other person’s needs are.  That will NOT happen in a relationship with a narcissist no matter how much you might want it to.

The only way to have any success in a relationship with a narcissist is to completely forget yourself & focus on them completely.  Ignore any wants, needs, thoughts or feelings you have & keep the narcissist as your top priority 100% of the time.  Even this success will be fleeting, however, because narcissists constantly change the rules.  What makes them happy today may not make them happy next week, then three weeks later, that thing makes them happy again.  I have tried this personally in my younger & more dysfunctional days, & can tell you that every word I write is true.  No matter how much you give or how you change to please the narcissist, it won’t work.  Nothing is ever good enough.  It is absolutely impossible to please a narcissist.

So, Dear Reader, the next time someone tells you that you need to fix the relationship with your narcissistic parent, please remember what I have said.  Chalk their foolish words up to a lack of wisdom.  They clearly have no idea what they are saying, & how impossible the task is.  Or, if they are a flying monkey for the narcissist, & they do know how she is, they are abusers themselves.  Abuse isn’t always about actively abusing someone- it can be more passive, such as encouraging a person to stay in an abusive relationship.

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Believing All Parents Love Their Children Can Harm You

Children need to believe that their parents love them.  Normally, this is a very good thing, since most parents do love their children.  When the child’s parent is a narcissist, however, this is NOT a good thing!

 

Because of this need, abused children will make excuses for their parent abusing them.  I did – I told myself my mother loved me which is why she was “overprotective” rather than admitting she controlled my every move.

 

Children also will come up with reasons why the abuse was their fault, not the parent’s, taking all the blame while the parent gets away with abusing the child.  The child will think that she needs to get better grades in school, be better behaved, etc. to please the parent, so the parent doesn’t have to abuse her anymore.  Children don’t realize that narcissists are impossible to please, & will abuse their child even if the child is 100% perfect.

 

Some parents are actively abusive – they mentally, physically &/or sexually abuse their child – while others are more passive in their abuse, standing by quietly while the other parent obviously abuses the child.  Passive abusers also do not care about the child’s pain, & often will turn the active abuser onto the child if that person is mad at the passive abuser, simply to distract them.  If a child has one actively abusive parent & one passively abusive one, the need to believe that her parents love her will cloud her discernment greatly.  Even if she comes to realize that the actively abusive parent is abusive, it will take much longer to realize the passively abusive one is equally abusive.  The desperation to believe that at least one parent loves her will make the child think that the passive abusive parent loves her because at least that parent isn’t verbally, physically or sexually abusing her.  The child also may make excuses for that parent, saying that parent just didn’t know what to do or had no power to stop the abuse.  In fact, the child may feel pity for that parent, offering comfort after the child has been abused.  This happened with my father.  My mother would abuse me, & my father would tell me how he couldn’t do anything to stop it,  & how hard it was for him knowing how mean she was to me.  I would comfort him rather than him comforting & protecting me.

 

This need to believe parents love their children can cause many problems for adult children of narcissists, as you can see.  So I urge you today, Dear Reader, to look at your situation.  Are you harboring any beliefs that stem from that need?  Are you making excuses for your parent(s) because you think it’s easier than admitting your narcissistic parent never loved you?  If so, you’re only hurting yourself.

 

John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NIV)  This Scripture is absolutely true!  As difficult as facing the truth about your parents is, it is worth it.  Clinging to the childish belief that your parent loves you only hurts you.  It’s a domino effect of dysfunction, really.  You make more & more excuses for your parent’s abuse because you want to believe she loves you.  This only serves to keep you tolerating more & more abuse.  Facing the truth is the only thing that will set you free.

 

Admitting that your narcissistic parent doesn’t love you & never has is painful.  I understand this all too well.  It causes you to grieve your loss of not having a loving parent.  However, doing so will enable you to see things much more clearly & objectively, which helps you to find ways to become healthier.  You’ll be able to think more about ways to set & enforce healthy boundaries instead of tolerating abuse so you don’t hurt your parent’s feelings.  You may limit your contact with your parent or go full no contact with that parent because you realize that your parent only wants you in her life to provide her with narcissistic supply, & you deserve better than that.

 

I know admitting your parent doesn’t love you is painful, but I can promise you that it is well worth the pain.  And, it’s much less painful than clinging to that false belief!

 

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Who Are You Now?

When a person is abused by a narcissist, they learn to accept the narcissist’s view of who they are.  They accept that they are weak, stupid, ugly, etc etc.  It is especially hard to get rid of such views when the abusive narcissist is a parent, but it can be hard no matter who the narcissist is that puts such dysfunctional, inaccurate views on a person.

 

Even years after the abuse has ended, many people still believe they are weak, ugly, stupid, etc.  It takes a long time to start to see yourself in an accurate way after enduring narcissistic abuse.  I would like to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to look at yourself differently.

 

For a moment, try to put aside all of the criticisms you heard from your narcissist.  Look back over your life.  Think about all of the things you have accomplished.  The things you have done in spite of hearing what a terrible person you were.  Look at how far you have come.  If you’re having trouble, write things down.  Writing things can be surprisingly validating.

 

In spite of the narcissist in your life trying to destroy you (either physically or emotionally or both), you are OK!  You are functioning.  You are surviving.  You are helping & inspiring people, whether you know it or not.  You are so much stronger than you realize!  Sure, you may have some problems stemming from the narcissistic abuse, but that is completely normal.  You are working on your healing & you are growing daily- that is impressive!

 

In spite of realizing these things I know it can be tempting to think of yourself as that dysfunctional victim you once were.  I get it- I do it sometimes myself.  But, try to remind yourself of who you are now, not of who you once were.  You are not the terrible person the narcissist once said you were & you believed you were.  You are strong & fierce.  You have not become bitter or narcissistic yourself.  You are working on becoming your own person.  You also are an adult now, not a child, so if the narcissist in your life is your parent(s), remind yourself of that.  You are no longer a child who felt she needed to obey her parents at all costs.  You are an adult with your own mind & free will.  If you’re a Christian, it is also your duty to put God first, not your parents.  If they insist you put them above God, remind yourself how dysfunctional that is!  You do not owe them anything beyond simple civility, basic respect.

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About Not Hurting Other People’s Feelings, Even Your Abuser’s

When raised by narcissistic parents, we often feel obligated to prioritize not hurting the feelings of other people, primarily our parents.  It is so important, in fact, that we will hurt ourselves rather than hurt them or anyone else.

 

While it’s certainly a good thing to be concerned with the feelings of others, being so concerned over others that you’re willing to hurt yourself too out of balance.

 

Dear Reader, if you want to move forward with healing after being abused, you have to think about your feelings more than other people’s, in particular, more than your abusers.

 

I’m not saying turn into a selfish jerk who cares nothing for anyone but themselves, of course.  I am saying though, that you need to consider your own feelings.  If you’re still in a relationship with your narcissistic parents, you don’t have to go to that big holiday dinner if you don’t feel up to it.  Just because your parents want you there doesn’t mean you must do what they want!  Or, if you talk publicly about what your narcissistic ex did, there is nothing wrong with that.  Sure, it may upset that person, but the story is yours as well- you have nothing to be ashamed of for sharing it, & it may help someone else.  As the Anne Lamott quote goes, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

 

There is another reason to avoid putting the feelings of others above your own.  Doing so with abusive people means you are part of the problem.  It allows them to continue abusing with no fear of consequences.  Doing whatever it takes to avoid upsetting them does nothing to stop them from being abusers.  While no one can stop another person from abusing, one can create circumstances by having good boundaries that (hopefully!) will make them uncomfortable enough to want to change.  Just because narcissists rarely change doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set those boundaries.
Dear Reader, remember, your feelings are just as important, just as valid, as anyone’s.  There is no good reason to think otherwise.  The only reason you do think otherwise is because an incredibly dysfunctional, abusive person made you think that way.  Today, make a decision to get rid of that awful, flawed belief.  Remind yourself that you have value!  Ask God to tell you  what He thinks of you, then listen for the response.  He knows you have great value!  After all Jesus died for you- He wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t worth it.

 

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Why Do People Not Want You To Speak Up To Abusive Relatives?

Have you ever noticed that almost no one says you are right to have problems with abusive family members?  That it is OK to defend yourself to them?  Instead, you are encouraged to “just let it go.”  Or, excuses are made like, “Well, she’s getting old now…”  or “You know how he is.”

 

Why do so many people think it is wrong to speak your mind & defend yourself when someone says cruel things to you?

 

I think it is because people do NOT want to leave their comfort zone.  They would prefer you stuff your emotions (because that is oh so healthy..not) than make them uncomfortable by standing up for yourself.

 

Those of us who have been abused have been through more than enough suffering.  It isn’t fair to expect us to go through more just to make someone else comfortable by not upsetting them.

 

When people tell you to “just let it go” or “don’t rock the boat”, ignore them!  If you feel you need to speak up when your parent is cruel to you, then by all means, you have that right!  There is nothing good, loving or honorable in “not rocking the boat.”  People need to be accountable for their actions, like it or not.  They need to know when they have said or done something that is inappropriate.  Whether or not they change their behavior is not your responsibility, but at least by speaking up you have made them aware of the inappropriateness of their actions.

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Is It Good To Understand Those Who Hurt & Abuse?

I recently read something on Facebook.   It said, “A mark of maturity is when someone hurts you, trying to understand the person rather than get them back.”  I thought it was an interesting quote, but others commented differently.  They said things like you shouldn’t waste time thinking about such things.  People who hurt you are evil & you don’t need them in your life.  The Bible says not to be in relationship with evil people, so when someone hurts you, you need to get them out of your life.

 

While the Bible does say we shouldn’t be in relationship with evildoers, not everyone who hurts you is evil.  When my husband comes home from work after a bad day & snaps at me, does that make him evil?  No!  That makes him someone who is very frustrated & not thinking clearly at that moment.  If I didn’t understand that, on the rare occasion it happens, I’d be filing for divorce rather than giving him some space & forgiving his mistake.  Many times when someone hurts you, it is for a simple reason like that.  They just aren’t thinking, that’s all.  They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt you.  It’s no reason to end a relationship!  We all make mistakes & accidentally hurt those we love at some point.

 

What about those who deliberately hurt & abuse you?  I think it is beneficial to understand them as well.  Not to excuse their actions, but because it helps you.

 

I have learned to understand my narcissistic parents pretty well, & it has helped me a great deal.  Understanding why they act the way they do helps me to keep a good perspective, to realize as personal as their hurtful actions feel, they aren’t personal- they are a result of their dysfunctional thinking.  Yes, they are deliberately trying to hurt me but it’s not because I’m a bad person, deserve it or have “asked for it” in some way.  It’s because they are incredibly dysfunctional.

 

Understanding them also helps me to remember that they are the ones with the problems.  Growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn that you are the problem.  Whatever goes wrong, it’s your fault, not your parents’ fault.  Once you understand narcissism & your narcissistic parents in particular, you realize it is NOT your fault!  It’s not you, it’s them!

 

If it is impossible for you to go no contact the narcissists in your life, then understanding them will help you to figure out creative ways to deal with them.  Granted, when dealing with narcissists, dealing with them in a healthy way is impossible.  However, you can figure out ways to deal with them that are healthy for you.  Understanding them & leaning on God for help in this area will help you tremendously!

 

Remember, understanding abusers does NOT excuse away their actions or make abuse acceptable.  Nothing does that.  It does, however, benefit you a great deal.

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Are You Being Abused?

John 3:20-21  “For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” (NKJV)
The question in the title of this article may sound like it should have an obvious answer, but it doesn’t.  Sometimes, people don’t realize they are being abused, especially if they aren’t being physically abused.  As I’ve mentioned before, covert narcissists in particular are extremely good at hiding their actions from everyone, even sometimes their victims who think this “good person” couldn’t possibly be abusive.
One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused by someone is how do they act in public verses in private.  Abusive people behave entirely differently in public verses private settings.  Granted, most people act a bit different in public & private, but it’s not a huge difference.  With abusers, the differences are night & day.
In my late teen years, I saw this especially clearly with my mother.  I remember one day in particular, she had been screaming at me for whatever awful thing she thought I did that day.  She finally stopped, & a few minutes later, the phone rang.  I answered.  It was her friend, the former principal of my elementary school.  She told me how lucky I was to have such a good, loving mother, & how I needed to stop misbehaving so much.  I really didn’t feel lucky at all!  But, a few minutes later when I handed my mother the phone, all evidence of the screaming maniac was completely gone.  She was friendly & chatted with this person as if nothing had happened just a few minutes before.
My ex husband was the same way.  Everyone, even his parents, thought he was a great guy who loved me deeply.  In private, however, he was incredibly critical & cruel.
With both of them, I knew if I said anything to anyone about what was done behind closed doors, I would’ve had to pay dearly.  It’s taken me many years to feel free enough to write about the things I have experienced at the hands of narcissists in my life because of how deeply in me they ingrained this sick need to hide their cruelty.
Normal people don’t behave this way!  Normal, safe people don’t feel the need to hide things or behave very differently in public & private.  They aren’t concerned about most things they do being known by other people.  They aren’t doing bad things, so why would they feel they have something to hide?
Also, if someone is hiding their actions, then this is a sign that they know these things are wrong.  I know, many people say they think abusers, mainly narcissists, must not know what they’re doing is wrong.  They were raised by abusive parents- abuse is all they know.  But, think about this: if they truly didn’t know these things were wrong, why would they work so hard to keep them hidden?  Wouldn’t they abuse you no matter who is around instead of only when you’re alone?

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Anxiety & Fear About Sharing Your Story

Proverbs 29:25  “The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.”  (NKJV)

 

I’ve often been asked, “Aren’t you afraid your parents or other relatives will learn what you write about?”  In all honesty?  To a degree, yes I am.  Logically I know none of them could hurt me, but, there is still that little girl inside me who hasn’t healed entirely who is scared.  Thankfully that little girl isn’t ruling my emotions.  If she did, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post or the books I’ve written.  I wouldn’t feel fulfilled because I wouldn’t be fulfilling my calling.

 

It can be very easy to be afraid of people, especially when raised by narcissistic parents.  They are very good at instilling fear in their victims.  Many adult children of narcissists live with serious anxiety issues.  I would guess that is why so few discuss their experiences openly.  It’s very sad, especially since there is such a dire need for open & frank discussion of narcissistic abuse to help raise awareness.

 

If you feel called to publicly discuss your experiences with a narcissist, it can be intimidating, worrying about “getting in trouble” with your parents or extended family.  What will they do if they find out?  Will your friends & maybe even relatives think you are “too negative,” “living in the past”, etc. & abandon you?  What about the legal aspect- could the narcissist sue you for slander?  Such things can cause a great deal of fear & anxiety, & understandably so.  But please, don’t be discouraged by such things!

 

To start with, you can’t “get in trouble” with your parents or family anymore.  You’re an adult!  You don’t have to get another’s permission to do what you feel God wants you to do.  You have the right to do what you want, to live your life according to what works for you.  You also have the right to tell your story.  It’s YOUR story, so it’s up to you to share it however you see fit.

 

If anyone brings up “Honor thy mother & father,” remind yourself that honoring doesn’t mean tolerating abuse.  Research what it truly means to honor your parents.  I wrote a free ebook regarding honoring abusive parents.  It’s available on amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/Honor-Difficult-Parent-Cynthia-Bailey-Rug-ebook/dp/B00PR0BEV2/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1478979606&sr=1-1&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug

 

And, what if people in your life criticize or even abandon you for speaking out?  I won’t lie- it will hurt at first.  But, in a way, it’s also a good thing when they abandon you.  It’s much better to have people in your life who genuinely care about you & your mental health.  People who don’t judge but offer love, encouragement & support are a true gem.  Life is so much more pleasant with friends like that as opposed to the critics.

 

Regarding slander, that is simple- research the laws in your state, as I think they vary from state to state.  Also, use fake names & protect the narcissist’s identity when discussing your story.  Never mention the narcissist’s real name in your writing.  You’re protecting yourself by doing that.

 

In spite of the fact discussing your experiences with narcissistic abuse can be scary, it also can be incredibly rewarding.  When someone thanks you for helping them to understand that they aren’t crazy like their narcissist said, or your words helped to give them the courage to leave a narcissistic significant other, it doesn’t get any more rewarding.  Knowing you have made a difference in someone’s life is a wonderful feeling.  It also helps you, because suddenly all the awful things you have experienced have a purpose.  Your pain counts for something!  Feeling as if all those horrible, traumatic experiences had no purpose is one of the most depressing feelings in the world.  Discussing your experiences dispels that feeling completely.

 

Discussing your experiences openly also help you to heal.  There is something very healing in seeing your story in writing.  Also healing is when you tell a story & someone says something like, “That is terrible!  I’m sorry that happened to you!”  That is very validating!

 

The good definitely outweighs the bad when it comes to sharing your story.  If you are considering speaking out, then I would encourage you to pray about it.  Be certain God wants you to do it, then ask Him to help you to do so.  He will give you courage, wisdom & anything else you need to accomplish this calling.  Then get ready for an adventure!

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Honoring Abusive Parents

Many people have a very skewed view of what it truly means to honor someone, especially their parents.  They’ll throw around “honor thy mother & father” while conveniently forgetting the Scriptures directed at parents (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21).  They falsely believe that honoring parents means you have to sacrifice yourself or your principles.  You must do what they want, no matter what it costs you, or else you aren’t honoring your parents.

 

Honor isn’t always what people think it is. http://www.merriam-webster.com defines honor as follows:  “a showing of usually merited respect : recognition <pay honor to our founder>”  I interpret this to mean basic things like treating a person with basic respect.  Using manners, being considerate of them, disagreeing respectfully rather than cussing them out, & the like.  Nowhere in this definition does it sound to me like honoring someone means you must cater to their every whim.

 

Spoiling someone by giving them everything they want or doing everything for them isn’t honorable.  It teaches the person nothing at all.  It doesn’t help them to learn & grow, which is NOT good for a person.  In fact, many people believe some narcissistic adults were once spoiled children.  They became entitled, selfish adults by having all of their whims catered to.

 

Allowing someone to control you isn’t honorable either.  All that does is teach a person how to be manipulative, entitled & bossy.  There is no honor in that!

 

Tolerating abuse is certainly not honorable.  It encourages awful behavior while hurting you.  How could that possibly be an honorable thing?

 

People need to have boundaries & consequences for their actions.  Such things are honorable, especially when done in a respectful way.  There are ways to state things in a respectful manner, such as stating in a calm but firm tone, “I’m not going to discuss this with you.  If you keep talking about it, I’ll hang up this phone.  Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?  No?  OK, good bye.” *hangs up phone*  That is just one example of being respectful while setting boundaries & giving consequences.

 

In 2002, I stopped speaking to my mother for several years.  Coming to that decision wasn’t easy at all for me.  I knew I needed to do it to heal, but I believed it wasn’t honorable.  I struggled with this decision & prayed a lot.  One day, I told God how conflicted I felt.  He spoke to my heart so clearly & said, “Where is the honor in the fact your very presence stirs up strife with your mother?”  It made sense to me.  Being with my mother meant she acted up.  She verbally abused me.  She insulted every tiny thing about me & those I cared about.  She bossed me around like I was the hired help & not her daughter.  There was NO honor in that.  Going no contact at that time was the most honorable thing I could do.  It enabled me to have time to myself to heal, & it put an end to much of her horrible behavior since she doesn’t treat anyone else like she does me.  It also showed her that I was done tolerating her abuse.  If she chose to abuse me she would have consequences for doing so, like me leaving her life.  In situations like this, even going no contact with an abusive parent can be the most honorable thing you can do.

 

If you struggle with honoring your abusive parent, I would encourage you to pray, Dear Reader.  Ask God to show you the truth on this matter.  He will, as He has done for me.  You will rest much easier when you know the real truth about what it means to honor your parent.

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Are You Too Positive Or Too Negative?

I never really thought of myself as a very negative person, but I was told I was my entire life.  My mother, a self proclaimed optimist in spite of her ability to find the negative in any situation, has said this more times than I can count.  My husband even made similar comments over the years about how negative I am.

 

As a result, I have tried to be more positive.  I have been able to see more positive things than I used to in negative situations.  This has been beneficial to a degree.  It has helped me to be a bit happier than I used to be.

 

That being said though, God showed me something this morning about positive thinking that never crossed my mind before.

 

I was getting laundry out of the dryer & praying as I did.  I had a dreadful night last night, barely getting any sleep & what sleep I had was full of nightmares.  I’ve been in a nasty funk for a few days now which wasn’t helped by last night’s “sleep” & was telling God about that too.  Complaining really.  I wasn’t finding any positive in anything, & feeling guilty for that.  I didn’t admit that to God but of course He knew anyway.  And, He said something about that.

 

“Being too positive can invalidate your pain.  It says you don’t have a right to be disappointed, hurt or angry because something good came from the situation.  Being positive is good, but only in balance.  It’s OK to say things just suck sometimes.  This is one of those times.  Feel the pain, & get it out.  Then, & only then, the funk will lift.”

 

So many of us who have been abused have been told by other people we’re too negative if we discuss it.  Some people think it’s a taboo topic not to be discussed.  Sweep it under the rug, pretend that didn’t happen.  Or, if something good came out of the awful situation (such as having kids with the abusive partner), then you shouldn’t be upset about it.  Something good came from it, so you shouldn’t complain or have problems stemming from the abuse.

 

What these people fail to realize is by telling victims to “stop being so negative” or to “think positive”. they are being abusive.  They are invalidating your pain, & invalidation is abuse.  Invalidation says your pain doesn’t matter, & there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do.  Whether that is the intention or not by saying “think positive” & such statements, that is the result.  The person who is told to think positive feels there is something wrong with them for feeling as they do.

 

Dear Readers, please remember this post when someone tells you to be positive.  Being positive is a wonderful thing.  It helps you to feel good.  But, it also is unrealistic to think you can be positive 100% of the time.  Sometimes things just suck!  There is nothing wrong with admitting that.  There is also nothing wrong with thinking about those things & feeling whatever emotions that the event triggered in you.  Ignoring such things does no good.  Those emotions will come to the surface at some point, & probably not in a good way.  It is better to have a short period of being depressed or angry as you heal than years of emotions manifesting in unhealthy ways such as addictions, self harm or suicidal thoughts & actions.

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Abuse Doesn’t Always Leave Bruises

Since writing my newest book, I have been feeling more of a pull to help those who don’t know why certain people in their lives treat them so badly.

 

 

I used to wonder why my mother treated me so poorly.  I felt as if I was a bother & huge disappointment to her, & like I should stay invisible until she needed me for something.  My ex husband said she treated me badly, but once we were married he treated me the same way.  Both wanted to control me- how I looked, what work I did, who I spent time with, even what kind of car I owned.

 

I never thought of this as abusive.  Not right, sure, but abuse left bruises.  If they didn’t leave bruises or broken bones, it couldn’t be abuse, right?  Wrong.

 

Abuse comes in many forms.  Most everyone knows about physical abuse- when someone causes physical harm to another person.  But, did you know physical abuse doesn’t have to cause injuries?  It is also physical abuse to be threatening (such as punching walls), refusing to allow someone to leave, or driving recklessly.

 

There is also sexual abuse.  Forcing intercourse while threatening with a weapon isn’t the only way a person can be raped or sexually abused.  Saying things like, “If you loved me, you would do this for me” is sexual abuse.  Disregard for a partner’s physical or emotional pain & forcing want you want on them through physical means or guilt is sexual abuse.  These are very common examples of sexual abuse that most people do not consider abusive, yet they are.  Behaviors like these leave victims very anxious or depressed, feeling ashamed, guilty & often thinking things like they are being silly since this request isn’t so bad, they should just do what their partner wants & ignore their own needs/feelings/wants or even that there is something deeply wrong with them for not wanting to go along with their partner’s request.  Others who have not experienced this type of abuse don’t understand the damage it can do.  Many people don’t think a husband can rape his wife, so when she tells people that he did, she is treated as if she is crazy.  Sexual abuse is extremely damaging in so many ways.

 

If you have read much of my work, you know I discuss narcissistic abuse a great deal.  That is because it is extremely common.  Many psychologically abusive people are narcissists.  (psychological abuse includes mental/verbal/emotional abuse).  People who manipulate others, put their needs/wants/feelings/etc. above those of others, who are extremely critical either overtly or more subtly, tell others how to feel, or invalidate you are often narcissistic.  You can read more about narcissistic abuse on my website, http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

 

Because these kinds of abuse leave no bruises, many victims are told get over it, that it’s no big deal or even doubt that what the victim claims is true.  This leaves victims alone, depressed, & often feeling as if they’re going crazy.  Abuse also can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

If you are in one of these situations, please know you’re not alone!  You also aren’t crazy!  If you feel something is wrong, then it is wrong.  Trust your instincts!  Also, pray.  God will show you the truth.  He will show you what is wrong in the situation as well as what you need to do to escape it & to heal.

 

If you are looking for safe people to talk to,  I have a Facebook group.  The members are kind, caring, supportive & wise.  You’re very welcome to join us if you like.  🙂

 

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Children & Crushes

When I was in elementary school, there was a boy who made my life miserable.  He stepped on my heels as we walked in line.  He slammed my fingers repeatedly between desks.  He basically was a jerk to me.

 

Naturally, I told my mother.  At first she said ignore him, which is basically what I knew in my heart to do anyway- I never reacted in front of him but instead acted like his antics meant nothing to me, even when they hurt me (I learned this survival skill early on by having a narcissistic mother).  After years of this, she eventually called & talked to his mother.  (Before you get excited, I’m reasonably sure it was simply because she wanted me to stop complaining or because she knew if she didn’t do something she might look bad, not out of concern for my well being.)  One of my fourth grade teachers, who was a lovely lady, but I think rather clueless on how to handle the situation, saw what was happening.  She took me aside & told me to wink at him sometimes.  Smile at him.  Both this lady & my mother said he was acting this way because he liked me.  He had a crush on me & didn’t know how else to show it.

 

Then a couple of years ago, my mother mentioned this boy.  She ran into him somewhere locally- a grocery store or restaurant or something.  She told me he’s now married with a couple of kids.  She thought I’d like an update on his life.

 

This all came to mind recently, & looking at this situation, I am baffled.

 

OK.  Let’s just say when we were kids he did have a crush on me.  Why was it OK for him to show me by causing me physical pain?  Did anyone once tell him that is NOT an appropriate way to show a girl you care?

 

Also, why did my teacher say to smile & wink at him?  Did she not realize my attention could only encourage his actions?

 

Did anyone realize that this was teaching me I deserve to be abused?!  It taught me love equals pain?  It also taught me I was responsible for other people’s actions.  After all, if I’d just ignore him or wink & smile, he’d stop what he was doing.  Riiiight..

 

And, why in God’s green earth did my mother think I’d want to know what he’s up to these days?!  Admittedly, I’m not even angry with him at all anymore.  However, that doesn’t mean I want to know the latest happenings in his life.

 

My point of all of this (aside from to rant..lol) is to talk to those of you who have or know little girls.  If a little boy is hurting her, she needs to be well aware that this kind of behavior it NOT acceptable!  It’s also NOT loving!  It’s abuse!  If this is how he demonstrates having a crush on your daughter, niece, etc. please tell her these things!  Tell her how to deal with him- by telling on him & protecting herself however necessary.  This kind of abusive, bullying behavior is not acceptable!  Maybe by him getting into trouble, he’ll learn his behavior is bad & he needs to change it.  Hopefully he’ll also learn to stop hurting little girls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Validate Yourself

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is not an easy thing.  You go through the abuse & somehow survive, only to be victimized further by people who invalidate what you have gone through.

I have heard comments such as…

  • “That doesn’t sound so bad…”(from my high school guidance counselor, referring to my mother screaming at me for hours in my teen years)
  • “You just need to understand her better.”
  • “Nobody’s perfect!”
  • “You need to fix things with your parents.  Get into counseling!”
  • “You need to work things out with your parents.  They won’t be around forever yanno!”
  • (from a different counselor after meeting my mother) “I can’t see you anymore- you’re a terrible daughter!”
  • “You need to find things you have in common with your parents!”
  • “You’re too negative!”
  • “I can’t believe they are that bad!”
  • “Are you even sure that happened?  That’s a pretty serious accusation.”
  • Various excuses as to why my narcissistic parents or mother in-law treated me so poorly such as she isn’t intelligent (she isn’t educated- big difference), her mother in-law didn’t like her, etc.
  • Laughing at my story of being abused.

After hearing such things, I felt victimized all over again.

Victim blaming is very common in today’s society, so it’s not surprising these cruel words & more are said to victims of narcissistic abuse daily.

Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any way to avoid them entirely.  All you can do is use wisdom on who you share your story with.  Even when you do this, sometimes people may hurt you by invalidating your pain.

The fact is though that you can validate yourself.  You can heal from narcissistic abuse even if there is no one to support you but God.

To do this, you need to lean on God.  Talk to Him about how you feel.  He can handle it all & wants to be there for you!  Let Him be!

As for you.. you need to trust that what happened was bad.  Admit it to yourself.  No more excuses, no more telling yourself you’re oversensitive or weak.  Narcissistic abuse permeates every part of a person’s being.  It can destroy one’s self-esteem, perception of reality or even sanity.  It is nothing to take lightly!   If you’re having trouble with this, write your story out.  When I wrote my autobiography “Emerging from the Chrysalis” a few years ago, it was hard.  Very hard.  For the first time, I realized just how bad the abuse I have survived really was.  Yet, as hard as it was to see things in black & white, it was very freeing too.  It gave me a new perspective.  I realized I’m a very strong person.  I also realized God must love me a great deal to have gotten me through all of that.  It also helped me to see my parents as they truly are, instead of making excuses for their behavior or thinking I was the one with the problems- I really wasn’t oversensitive, overreacting, reading too much into things, etc.  They have some serious problems & one of those problems is NOT me!

Once you are able to accept the truth about what you have gone through, healing will come.  You will grieve, you will be angry, but these are necessary steps to freedom from narcissistic abuse.  And, the more you validate yourself & heal, the less other people’s invalidation will bother you.  I’m not saying it won’t hurt sometimes- it’s only human to be hurt when your pain is trivialized- but it won’t devastate you as it once did.

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The Importance Of Realistic Expectations When Dealing With Narcissists

When dealing with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, realistic expectations are extremely important for the sake of your mental health.  They will help you not to be constantly disappointed or hurt.  They also will help you to be prepared for whatever may come, because you understand that this is how the narcissist in your life acts.

For many adult children of narcissistic parents, adjusting their expectations to be realistic is very hard.  It’s hard not to hope that this will be the time things are different, the one time that Mom actually cares about me or doesn’t  insult my husband.  It’s also hard to grasp that normal things- such as treating your child with basic respect- are things that no narcissistic parent wants to do.

If you feel that way about your narcissistic mother, you’re perfectly normal.  However, Dear Reader, I urge you to consider taking care of your mental health, your peace & joy, & lowering your expectations of your narcissistic mother.

Realistic expectations of narcissists are very different than those of other people.  Most people, you are safe in assuming that they will have some level of empathy, think of people other than themselves & not viciously criticize anything they wish to about you.  Not so with narcissists.  Let’s look at some features of a narcissist:

  • They are constantly looking for narcissistic supply- anything that helps boost their self-esteem.
  • They are incredibly entitled- they feel as if they deserve anything they want, even if it means hurting others (yes, even their own family) to get it.
  • They have absolutely no empathy- never will a narcissist genuinely understand or care about your pain.  Never.
  • Narcissists are excellent manipulators- they read people very well to find out their vulnerabilities so they can exploit them for personal gain.
  • Narcissists don’t care how much they hurt you, destroy your self-esteem or even destroy your sanity as long as they get what they want from you.

These few qualities alone mean you cannot deal with any narcissist as you would a normal person if you wish to survive this relationship with your mental health in tact.  Keeping realistic expectations of the narcissist will help you tremendously.

So what are realistic expectations of a narcissist?  Basically, have no expectations.  Never expect to be able to run to your narcissistic mother with your problems without her criticizing or mocking you.  Never expect her to be able to genuinely celebrate your victories either.  She may try to take credit for what you have done, ignore it completely or trivialize it.

What you can expect from most narcissistic mothers-

  • She will criticize everything about you without mercy.  I don’t mean constructive criticism- I mean mocking, insulting, saying cruel things that can bring you to tears.
  • Gaslighting.  Lots & lots of gaslighting & mind games.
  • Conversations will be all about her.  If you try to mention something about yourself, she’ll find a way to bring the conversation back to her.
  • No empathy.  It doesn’t matter if you broke a nail or are getting a divorce- your narcissistic mother will treat any problem you have exactly the same way.  She won’t care.
  • Her trying to destroy any joy you have over something good that has happened to you.
  • Demands or hints rather than requests.  She thinks she deserves your complete obedience.

Of course, each narcissist is a bit different, so I’m sure you can add to this list.

The good thing though is that if you keep in mind that your narcissistic mother is going to do these things, it will help you tremendously.  You won’t be caught off guard by her outrageous behavior.  You also can plan ahead of time how you wish to handle her outrageous behavior.  You  won’t be so hurt because you know it’s coming.

And, if you know what to expect, when your narcissistic mother calls or comes by, you can decide whether or not you can handle her on that particular day before you pick up the phone or answer the door.

Lastly, having these realistic expectations of your narcissistic mother also will help you to remember what kind of person she is, which will help you to remember that she has problems.  You aren’t the terrible person she claims you are!

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Anger In Adult Children Of Narcissistic Parents

Anger is a very normal part of life, yet also a difficult thing for many adult children of narcissistic parents.  Growing up, we were not allowed to express emotions, good or bad, but it often seems as if anger is the one that receives the most ridicule if we express it.  As I’ve said before, my mother always accused me of having that “Bailey temper” as she calls it.  She said that her family doesn’t get mad like my father’s family does.  Which seems to be true- from what I’ve seen, they just stuff that anger inside & pretend it’s not there.  Yea, that’s healthy…. lol

If you too were raised by a narcissistic mother, I’m sure you heard some similar shaming comments if you showed any anger as well.

The fact is though that anger is going to happen.  As you heal from narcissistic abuse, it is definitely going to come up.  As your self-esteem improves, you finally realize you didn’t deserve the terrible things that were done to you, & it makes you angry.  You realize too that it wasn’t your fault you were abused, which also makes you angry.

Holding anger inside at this point becomes very difficult & even impossible.  That is actually a good thing because it is detrimental to your physical & emotional health.  It can cause anxiety & depression.  It can cause high blood pressure, kidney, heart & digestive problems.  Even knowing such things, it can be hard for the adult child of a narcissistic parent to find healthy ways to release anger.  At first, it can be downright terrifying.  She may feel that if she lets a little anger out, she’ll end up losing control of it all & hurting herself & others.  She also may feel that if she lets it out, she’ll never stop being angry.

Dear Reader, these are simply not the case at all!  Anger is a powerful emotion that needs to be heard.  It demands to be heard in fact.  Even so, there are healthy ways to deal with it.

Some people recommend the chair method.  This involves standing in front of a chair, pretending the person who hurt or abused you is in that chair, & telling them everything you feel inside about them & their actions.

Some people beat up pillows.  It’s a good physical release, & you can’t hurt a pillow no matter how hard you beat it.

Others swear by writing letters they never send.  I have done this with a great deal of success.  I let it all out in the letters, then usually I burn them.  I found something very therapeutic about watching the letters burn.  It’s like my anger went up in the smoke.  I also kept a couple of them, which helps to keep me remember why things are the way they are.  Reading over my letter helps me if I feel weak & wanting to fix things with my mother.  It helps remind me that I can’t do all the work- fixing a relationship takes 2 people.

Journaling is akin to writing the letters.  No one is going to read what you write, so what better way to let it all out?  Although I love the feel & look of a pretty paper journal, for privacy sake, I use an online, password protected one.  I am certain no one would be able to read it, so when I need to get anger out, I let it all go in the journal.

Perhaps the most effective way I’ve found to deal with anger though is by talking to God about it.  He is such a wonderful Father.  He listens without judgment or criticism & offers you comfort.  He also helps you to purge all of that anger from you, so you no longer stuff it deep inside.

The next time you feel anger, I encourage you to try one or more of the suggestions above.  They really will help you tremendously.  You’ll feel so much better once the anger is out from inside you.

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Love Changes, & Not How You May Expect It To

I’ve experienced a very odd thing a few times in my life.  I would guess I’m not the only one who has dealt with it so I thought I should write about it.  Sometimes, after being treated very badly by someone, the love & compassion I once felt for that person died suddenly.  This doesn’t mean I wish someone harm or harbor any anger towards them- it just means I feel nothing.  It’s indifference, which I believe is the opposite of love.

As I write this, my mother in-law is in the hospital.  I wish I could say I was concerned, but I feel nothing other than concern for how this situation will affect my husband.  This sounds terrible, doesn’t it?  But, the fact is that for the first eight years of our relationship, she was extremely verbally abusive to me & that took a toll on me.  Then one night in 2002, she called to talk to my husband who wasn’t home from work yet.  She screamed at me because he was still at work & for his allergies that were flaring up.  That wasn’t even our worst conversation, but still, something in me shut down as she was screaming.  I wasn’t even angry- I just felt nothing for her at that point.  I haven’t spoken to her since & have no desire to do so, even though she isn’t doing well.

Something similar happened with someone else I was close to.  She once told me out of the blue that I needed to get over my “childhood hurts”.  It was the last of several similar hurtful comments she’d made over the years, & it killed the love I’d once felt for her.  When she died about a year later, I felt virtually nothing.

No one seems to talk about this sort of thing.  It seems acceptable to say you’ve fallen out of love with your partner, but not to admit that the love you once felt for someone died because of their hurtful, abusive behavior.  However, I think it must be normal.

Everyone has what I think of as a love account for each person in their life.  It’s like a checking account, except it doesn’t hold money, it holds love.  Gentle, sweet, thoughtful actions put love into the account, while harsh, thoughtless ones take love out of it.  If someone is good to you, that account stays on the positive side, building up a good balance.  Yet, if someone is cruel to you, withdraws are made.  If too many withdraws are made, your love account balance can go into the negative.  At this point, hopefully that person will flood you with loving gestures in an attempt to repair the relationship & bring the balance back up.  If he or she doesn’t though, this is when your love can die for that person.

If you have experienced this too, Dear Reader, please know you aren’t alone.  I’ve been there!   Don’t beat yourself up for it.  You can ask God to help you to restore the love you once felt if you like, but don’t be surprised if He doesn’t.  He hasn’t with me.  I have learned to trust Him.  Maybe this happened because it was time to end the relationship.  Or, maybe if the relationship continued as it had, things would have gotten worse.  I don’t know, but I do know to trust God in this area.  He truly knows best.

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How Long Does It Take To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse?

I have been asked quite a few times how long it takes to recover fully from narcissistic abuse. I believe it to be a lifelong battle, unfortunately. However, I don’t want to discourage you with that, because there is good news. Although it can be a lifelong battle, it does get easier!

You will stumble sometimes, but even so, you are constantly getting stronger as you heal. The more wisdom you gain about NPD & the effects of its abuse, the more strength it gives you. You finally realize it wasn’t your fault, & that you’re suffering the normal effects of abnormal treatment.

The dark times of depression come less frequently & don’t last as long when they come.

There are times you feel stuck, as if you are always going to be depressed, anxious, or feel like you’re going crazy. But, the longer you have been healing, the less frequently those times happen. They, like depression, won’t last as long on the rare occasions when they happen.

Your self-esteem soars. Sure, sometimes you may backslide into feeling like the worthless piece of garbage your narcissistic mother always said you were, but at least that isn’t how you constantly feel anymore. They’re merely fleeting moments. When you realize this dysfunctional thinking is happening, you remind yourself that isn’t true. Healthy self-esteem also stops the dysfunctional people-pleasing at your own expense ways many children of narcissistic parents possess.

You try to practice good self-care rituals- prayer, relaxing activities, participating in fun hobbies. Granted, sometimes you let your schedule get too busy, but the healthier you become, the quicker you are to realize this mistake & make the appropriate changes.

I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to change how you think about your recovery. While it may be a lifelong battle with no definite end, try to focus instead on the good that comes during your healing. Focus on each baby step, every bit of progress you make. Your narcissistic mother tried to destroy you, but she didn’t! You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Little by little, you are getting healthier & happier. Maybe right now you aren’t where you want to be, & feel like you have a long way to go. How about instead focusing on how far you have come? You are no longer that wounded, dysfunctional little child, but instead are a grown woman who is getting stronger & healthier each day!

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism