Secrecy & Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists & their always devoted enablers or flying monkeys have a very long list of demands for victims of narcissistic abuse.  Up close to the top, if not at the top, of that list of demands is silence.  They may tell victims not to tell anyone about what they do, or it may be implied, but the demand that their victims be silent about the abuse forever is there nonetheless.  And, if a victim breaks this rule, those who demand that silence will punish that victim severely for their disobedience.

When I was a teenager & my mother’s abuse was at its worst, I went through this often.  My mother didn’t say the words, “Don’t tell anyone about what I do to you,” but I still had no doubt that the rule was in place anyway.  If she even suspected I was talking to anyone about what she did to me, she would rage & scream at me to try to humiliate me for “airing our dirty laundry.” 

You may be wondering why are narcissists & their enablers such fans of secrecy.  That is because they are afraid of getting caught.  If a narcissist’s actions are well known, they no longer will be looked at as the wonderful person they want people to think they are.  People will see they aren’t perfect, & narcissists can’t handle that. 

These abusers also want to be able to continue abusing their victims, & if they are found out, they would have to stop.  This is unacceptable to narcissists.

There is a very simple solution to this situation that would guarantee no one will tell others just how abusive narcissists are.  That answer is very simple & logical.  The answer is for narcissists to stop abusing people. 

Sadly, narcissists prefer to take chances that their victims won’t stay silent forever than to change their behavior.  They would much rather bully, guilt & shame their victims into silence over changing their ways, because their entitlement is much more of a priority to them than doing what is right.

The entitlement of narcissists truly knows no bounds.  They clearly believe they are entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, however they want to get it, & no matter who it may hurt.  Their entitlement clearly extends to their desire for their victims to stay silent about the abuse.  Staying silent benefits them & in their minds, that is all that matters.  The fact it hurts their victims is irrelevant. 

And, as a bit of a side note about silence about narcissistic abuse…

Since the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder, this leads many people to think that narcissists don’t know that their behavior causes other people pain & suffering & they can’t control their behavior.  Since it’s called a disorder,that makes sense to most people.  However, the cluster B personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder describe a long term pattern of behavior & experiences, not necessarily a damaged brain that renders them unable to control their actions.  This means that narcissists know the difference between right & wrong, they just lack the empathy to care about it.  If you have wondered if the narcissist in your life truly knows what they’re doing is wrong, secrecy is a great way to figure it out.  Someone who knows their behavior is wrong will demand secrecy from their victim.  They also will go to great lengths to hide their behavior.  A person who genuinely doesn’t know right from wrong won’t care about hiding it.  Why would they?  To them, their behavior is fine so they have nothing to hide.

If you have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then I want to encourage you today to talk about it.  Doing so well help you to heal, help other victims know that this secret isn’t theirs to carry & help raise awareness about narcissistic abuse.  I know it’s scary at first, but it really will be worth it!  The more you talk, the more you heal & help others.

Signs You Grew Up Subjected To Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that leaves a person doubting their own perceptions, feelings, & even sanity.  It occurs when someone manipulates another person into questioning their own reality, making them feel like they are losing their mind.  Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, & it often occurs within families.

Gaslighting families work to convince everyone that everything that happens in their family is normal & good, including abuse.  Those subjected to it grow up thinking, “Am I the only one who feels like this is wrong?”  “Am I crazy?”  “Why am I upset about this?”  This leads to intense self-l doubt & has long term effects on a person’s mental health.

Today, we’ll discuss some signs that you grew up with gaslighting, & some tips on how to counter the effects of this cruel form of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting can take many forms, & it’s not always easy to recognize when it’s happening.  There are some signs that you may have grown up with gaslighting…

You constantly question your own reality: If you find yourself constantly questioning your own beliefs & perceptions, it is a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells:  If you feel like you need to be careful about what you say or do around certain people, it’s a sign that you grew up with gaslighting. 

You have a hard time trusting your own instincts: Gaslighting makes you doubt your own instincts & intuition.  This leads to confusion & uncertainty, which makes it hard to make decisions.

If you grew up with gaslighting, there are things you can do to counter the effects of this form of emotional abuse. 

Understand reality: Gaslighting can make it hard to know what’s real & what’s not.  To counter this, try to look at things logically without emotion & see if things make sense.

Distance yourself from the gaslighting: If possible, distance yourself from the people who are gaslighting you.  This can help you to gain perspective & clarity.

Ask safe people for their thoughts: It can be helpful to talk to people you trust about your experiences.  They can provide a different perspective & help you to see things more clearly.

Pray for clarity: Prayer is invaluable when dealing with the effects of gaslighting.  Ask God to give you clarity & help you to see the truth & to see things as they really are.

Gaslighting is an especially malicious form of emotional abuse that can have long lasting effects on a person’s mental health.  If you grew up with gaslighting, it’s important to recognize the signs & take steps to counter the effects.  By understanding reality, distancing yourself from the gaslighting, asking safe people for their thoughts, & praying for clarity, you can begin to heal from the effects of this form of emotional abuse.

Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Some Truths About Healing From Abuse

Abuse is a traumatic experience that can leave lasting scars on a person’s mind, body, & soul.  While some people believe that victims of abuse can heal completely, the reality is that some things are impossible to heal from in a lifetime.  Unfortunately, many victims are made to feel as though they’re doing something wrong if they don’t heal or if God doesn’t deliver them.  However, the Bible tells us that God will continue to perfect & complete us until the day of Christ.  In the meantime, we can find comfort in knowing that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.

As a victim of abuse myself, I know firsthand the struggles of healing & the pressure to heal quickly & completely.  However, I also know that there should be no timetable for healing & that it’s not a linear process. 

When I first began my healing journey, I felt immense pressure to heal completely & quickly.  I thought that if I just prayed hard enough or tried hard enough, I would be able to erase all the pain of the trauma that I had experienced.  When that didn’t happen, I felt ashamed of my weakness & lack of faith.  However, as time went on, I realized that healing is not quick & easy, each person’s healing journey is unique,  there is no right or wrong way to heal & how you heal isn’t an accurate way to measure your faith in God.

It’s also disturbingly common for people to believe that healing means completely forgetting about the past or never feeling pain again.  However, this is wrong & damaging to victims.  Healing is about learning to live with the past & finding ways to cope with the pain.  It’s about developing resilience & self-compassion, even in the midst of our struggles.

The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive.  It can lead to feelings of shame & inadequacy, which can further delay the healing process.  It’s important to have a healthier view of healing.

Self-compassion is a vital aspect of the healing journey.  It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, & understanding that we would offer to anyone we love.  Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our pain without judgment & to be patient & gentle with ourselves as we navigate our healing journey.

For many victims of abuse, faith can play a significant role in the healing process, but that doesn’t mean if you just have enough faith, God will heal you completely.  He may do that sometimes but the majority of times, He helps you to work out your healing.  One of the most powerful Scriptures is Psalm 23:4.  In the Amplified Bible, it tells us, “Even though I walk through the [sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] & Your staff [to guide], they comfort & console me.”  This verse is a wonderful reminder that God is with us, even in the darkest of times.  We don’t have to go through our struggles alone & God is there to guide & comfort us.  As a side note, faith also can provide a sense of purpose & meaning in our struggles.  It helps us to see our pain as a part of a larger plan & to trust that God will use our experiences for good. 

Healing from abuse is a complex & challenging process.  It’s important to remember that healing is not a destination but a journey, & there is no right or wrong way to heal.  The pressure to heal completely can be harmful & counterproductive, & it’s essential to show ourselves kindness & compassion throughout the process.  It’s important to remember that God will help us to heal, there is no timeline on healing, & no one has the right to judge your healing journey.

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

For Those Whose Relatives Severed Ties With Your Family

Family is supposed to be a source of love, support, & comfort.  Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.  For some people, their family members are toxic & abusive.  They treat you cruelly, manipulate you, or even are violent towards you.  When you’ve tried everything to make the relationship work, but it’s only led to more pain & hurt, cutting ties with your family is usually the only option left.  It’s a difficult decision to make & one that’s often met with judgment & criticism from others.  For those who have been through it, it’s a necessary step towards healing & protecting yourself.

People who cut ties with their family members almost never do so impulsively.  They put in countless hours of praying, feeling hurt & angry, crying, looking for other solutions, sacrificing their peace of mind to stay a part of the family, & questioning themselves before realizing there’s no other option.  They have tried for years, only to be hurt over & over.  Eventually, they realize they can’t do it any longer, & that’s when they finally cut all contact.

This decision comes with an emotional toll that’s difficult to describe.  Imagine having to cut ties with someone you’ve known your entire life, the person who’s supposed to always be there for you.  It’s like a death, but worse because the person is still alive.  You mourn the loss of the relationship & the family you thought you had.  You feel guilty for cutting them off.  You wonder if you’re making the right decision.  You worry about what others will think of you.  You feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.

It’s not a decision that’s made lightly, & it’s not one that’s made without pain.  People who cut ties with their family members go through a grieving process, & it’s not something that happens quickly.  It takes time, patience, & support from others to heal from the pain.

As if the emotional toll wasn’t enough, those who cut ties with their family members are often judged, criticized, mocked, shamed,  & more because they chose to protect themselves from toxic people.  People like this have their priorities completely backwards!  They celebrate tolerating abuse & shame walking away from abusers, especially when the abusers are family.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that cutting ties with family members is an easy way out.  People who believe this fail to understand the complexity of toxic relationships.  They don’t understand the amount of time & effort that goes into trying to make the relationship work.  They don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on a person to be in a toxic relationship.  They don’t understand the courage it takes to cut ties with your family members knowing that you will face intense backlash for doing so.

Another misconception is that cutting ties with family members is a selfish act.  People who believe this fail to understand the importance of self-care & self-preservation.  They don’t understand that toxic relationships lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD & potentially even suicide.  They don’t understand that cutting ties with family members may be the only way to protect yourself from further harm.

It’s important to understand that cutting ties with family members is not a decision that’s made lightly.  People who do this have exhausted all other options & have come to the conclusion that it’s the best decision for their mental health & wellbeing.

If you’re someone who has cut ties with your family members, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s one that’s often necessary for your mental health & wellbeing.  If you’re someone who hasn’t gone through this experience, it’s important to recognize the complexity of the decision & the emotional toll it takes on a person.  It’s not an easy way out, & it’s not a selfish act.  It’s a courageous step towards healing & protecting yourself.

Remember, if your family members are toxic & abusive, it’s ok to cut ties with them.  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health & well being.  It’s ok to protect yourself from further harm.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Home After Their Deaths

Many of you who follow my work are fellow Gen Xers.  This means that many of us are at the stage in life where we are faced with the inevitable loss of our parents.  It’s a painful & emotional process that often involves cleaning out their home.  This task is often much harder than expected, no matter the relationship with one’s parents.  Not only do many items hold sentimental value, but we also realize that we will never again receive any gifts from our parents.  Despite the complicated relationship we may have had with them, the process of letting go of their belongings can be overwhelming.  Today, I want to share the lessons I learned from my experience & offer tips for handling those complicated items.

In my experience, one crucial aspect of this journey is seeking guidance from God.  Turning to God & asking for His guidance absolutely will bring comfort & clarity in the midst of such an emotional process.  He helped me to figure out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, & what to give to which family members.  That help was invaluable since I had absolutely no idea what to do with anything!

When we begin cleaning out our parents’ home, we are faced with a multitude of items that hold sentimental value.  Each object carries a memory, a story, & a connection to our parents.  It can be tempting to hold onto every item, fearing that letting go means losing them forever.  Or, if your relationship with your parents was toxic, it can be tempting to throw every single item in the trash.  However, as difficult as it may be, it’s important to find balance.

One approach I found helpful was to enjoy the special items rather than simply storing them away.  For example, if your parents had a collection of vintage records, take the time to listen to them & relish in the nostalgia they bring.  Displaying sentimental items, such as photographs or heirlooms, can also help create a space that honors their memory while keeping clutter at bay.  And, if you find certain items trigger painful memories, if those items still are useful, find them a home with someone who will use & enjoy them.  Again using the record collection as an example, if you know someone who shared your parents’ taste in music, give them the records.

Furthermore, if you find yourself unsure about whether to keep an item or not, it’s a good idea to hold onto it until you feel more clarity.  Grief is a complex process, & it takes time to sort through our emotions & make good decisions.  Trust your instincts & give yourself the time to heal before making final choices about what to keep & what to let go whenever you have doubts.

As we go through the process of cleaning out our parents’ home, it’s crucial to set reasonable limits.  After all, they are essential for maintaining a clutter free & anxiety free environment.  Ask yourself if each item will bring you joy or serve a practical purpose.  If the answer is no, consider donating or selling it, knowing that someone else may find value in it.

Remember, clutter can cause anxiety.  It’s important to honor our parents’ memory, but it’s equally important to create a home that reflects who we are & the life we want to live.

During this process, it’s normal to feel guilty or conflicted about letting go of certain items.  However, it’s essential to remind ourselves that the memory of our parents is not tied to physical possessions.  Letting go of material possessions can be a way of honoring them while creating our own path.

For those of us who have had a complicated relationship with our parents, cleaning out their home naturally stirs up a mix of emotions.  It’s important to acknowledge & process these feelings as we go through their belongings.  Pray & seek support from safe people who let you share your experiences & emotions.

Remember, this process is an opportunity to reflect on lessons learned, the growth achieved, & healing.  By approaching the task with wisdom & understanding, we can find peace & resolution.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

What It Really Means When Narcissists Accuse And Insult Their Victims

Narcissists are masters at something called projection.  Basically, this is when they accuse someone of doing things that they truly haven’t done, but the narcissist does on a regular basis.  For example, a narcissist who accuses you of lying is most likely a liar. 

Until you know about what they are doing, it can be tough to handle this sort of behavior.  It’s painful & baffling when you are accused of doing things that you never have done or, in many cases, never even considered doing.  I know, since I’ve been there.  When I was in my late teens, some of the things my mother accused me of doing were astonishing because they never even crossed my mind. 

Another thing narcissists project onto their victims are their own insecurities.  The narcissist who feels unattractive will call their victim ugly, or the narcissist who is insecure about their intelligence tells their victim often how stupid they are.  When a narcissist does this often enough & with such conviction, victims usually take their cruel words to heart.  Again, I know as I’ve done this too.  This is how I ended up battling anorexia at age 10.  My mother constantly told me how fat I was, & at that young age, the only way I thought I could lose weight was to stop eating.

Today, I want to encourage those of you who have been in this situation, or are still in it. 

A helpful piece of advice I can give you is this.. when a narcissist accuses you of something you have done or said something negative about you, think about it for a moment.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what they said is accurate?  Chances are, there is none.  Then, consider the narcissist.  Has he or she ever shown signs of either doing or wanting to do the thing they said you did?  I bet there is some evidence, even a small amount, that they have done that thing.  Or, if the narcissist insulted you, think about them.  Did the narcissist call you stupid, yet acts as if they know it all, for example?  My ex husband frequently let me know he thought he was supremely intelligent & I was stupid, & he acted as if he knew everything.  Looking back, I realize what appeared to be confidence was simply concealing the fact he knew I was smarter than he was.  By acting like he was smarter than me, he made me believe that was true.  Narcissists often do this sort of thing with projection.

If you are unsure of answers to such questions, then ask God for help.  Ask Him to show you the truth about the situation, because He will be more than happy to do so.  In fact, do it whether or not you are sure of the answers, because He gladly will show you all that you need to know, even things that you have missed.

Remember that when a narcissist projects or insults you, they are giving you insight into themselves.  They are telling you things that they will do & areas where they feel badly about themselves.  They aren’t saying such things because they are true.  Far from it.  This is how they process their flaws & insecurities.  By accusing you of these things, it allows them to be angry about their own problems while accepting no responsibility for them or working to change themselves.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  Projection, like everything else related to narcissists, is all about them.

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

You Are Allowed To Speak Up To People Who Hurt You

While forgiveness is one aspect of the Christian faith as well as a person’s emotional well being, it doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be mistreated.  If someone hurts you, it is natural to feel angry, hurt, or upset.  Even so, many people struggle to confront those who hurt them, especially if the person in question can’t handle being told they did something wrong.  Today we’ll discuss why it’s important to speak up when someone hurts you, even if they can’t cope with the situation, & how to do it. 

Many people, especially victims of abuse, struggle with speaking up when someone hurts them.  This is due to a variety of reasons, including fear of retaliation, fear of being invalidated, or fear of being seen as “difficult” or “overreacting.”  However, staying silent leads to bottled-up emotions & resentment, which damages relationships & mental health.  You have every right to express your feelings & set boundaries when someone hurts you!  By doing so, you are taking care of yourself & showing the other person that their actions have consequences.

Speaking up also can help educate the other person on the bad effects of their actions.  Many times, people who hurt others simply aren’t aware of the harm they’ve caused.  By speaking up, you are giving them a chance to learn & grow.

Unfortunately, not everyone reacts reasonably when told they did something wrong.  This is especially true for people who are comfortable with their dysfunction or abusive ways.  When confronted, they try to shut the person down by acting like a victim, becoming angry or enraged, or simply walking away during the conversation.  This makes it so tempting to stop saying anything when the person hurts you.  However, this only enables their bad behavior & makes you bottle up your feelings.  Neither is good!

You need to remember that their sensitivity is their issue, not yours.  You have the right to express your feelings, regardless of how the other person reacts.  It’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.  By staying calm, respectful, & assertive, you are showing the other person that you are serious about your boundaries & that their behavior is not acceptable.

If the person continues to refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  While forgiveness is important, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate toxic behavior.  It’s ok & even wise to distance yourself from people who consistently hurt you, no matter who they are.

Following are some tips to help you in situations like this:

1.  Pray

Before confronting the person, pray & reflect on the situation.  Ask God for wisdom on how to approach the conversation, to give you the right words to say & to show you the right timing.  This helps you to handle the situation in the best possible way.

2.  Use “I” Statements

When confronting someone, it’s important to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  For example, instead of saying, “You hurt me when you did this,” say, “I felt hurt when you did this.”  This puts the focus on your feelings & can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive.

3.  Be Specific

When confronting someone, use examples & be clear about how their actions impacted you.  This helps them understand the gravity of the situation.

4.  Listen to Their Perspective

When confronting someone, listen to their perspective as well.  They may have a different view of the situation or may not realize the harm they caused.  Give them a chance to speak & ask questions to clarify their intentions.

5.  Set Boundaries

If the person excuses their behavior or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, set boundaries.  This may involve limiting contact with the person, or ending the relationship.

Always remember that you have the right to speak up & set boundaries when someone hurts you.  Your well being is worth fighting for.

Subtle Abuse

Abuse isn’t always loud or obvious.  It doesn’t always leave physical evidence behind that anyone can see easily, such as bruises & broken bones.  In fact, most abuse isn’t that obvious.  Covert abuse is a common term used to describe such subtle abuse.  It doesn’t leave undeniable proof that it happened.  It is very quiet & subtle, so much so that often even the victim may not realize that he or she is being abused.  That doesn’t make this abuse any less damaging, however.

Covert abuse comes in many forms, in particular in the form of gaslighting.  Gaslighting is when an abuser attempts to convince someone that they should doubt their feelings, thoughts, perceptions of reality & even their sanity.  It often comes in the form of denial.  The abuser claims that what they did wasn’t really so bad, it didn’t happen as the victim remembers or they deny even doing whatever they did at all, claiming the victim imagined things.

Another part of gaslighting involves how abusers interact with other people.  To those not in their most intimate circle, abusers often appear charismatic, helpful, maybe even kind & caring.  People believe the abuser to be a good person, & often tell the victim how lucky they are to have such a good person in their life.  Treating outsiders in this way serves two purposes for abusers.  First, it convinces others that the abuser in question truly is incapable of being anything but a great person.  That way, if the victim tells anyone about the abuse, he or she isn’t believed.  Second, the abuser’s fan club reminding the victim of how great they believe the abuser is makes the victim doubt that the abuser is so bad.  This makes the victim believe they are overreacting or over sensitive, & they become more tolerant of abuse.

Destroying a victim’s self esteem is another type of covert abuse.  Many years ago, I remember thinking that this is a type of murder.  I still stand by that.  Leaving a person left feeling as if they are nothing to anyone is unbelievably cruel & inhumane.  A person who is victimized in this way feels that if they died at this moment, no one would be care in the slightest or maybe they would feel relieved they are gone.  No one should live like that!

Another type of covert abuse is threats that make a person wonder if the person doing the threatening is sincere or not.  The purpose of doing this is to cause intense fear in a victim & also causing them to be extremely willing to please their abuser to avoid the abuser following through on their threat.  The person making these threats doesn’t even need to physically hurt the victim at some point to make their victim afraid, but physical violence is likely to follow these behaviors at some point.  Their threats make it very clear that they are capable of following through on them if they wish to do so.  Sometimes their threats involve words, but not always.  Most often, they do not.  Abusers may punch walls, slam doors, break items or even hurt pets yet not touch their victim.  Their behavior is terrifying to their victims, whatever they do.  My ex husband punched items or walls to make his point sometimes.  I remember him doing this then telling me how lucky I was he only punched the wall because he really wanted to punch me instead.  Somehow that didn’t make me feel so lucky! 

Another covert type of abuse is isolation.  Isolating victims means victims have no one to tell them their abuser is treating them awfully, to offer them support or to help them to leave the abusive relationship.  This behavior robs victims of any hope that their life will get better, & leaves them under the full control of their abuser.

If someone you know is treating you in these ways, never tell yourself it’s not a big deal, it’s not really abuse since he or she isn’t physically hurting you or otherwise excuse this behavior.  It truly is abusive & you truly deserve to be treated better!  If at all possible, end this relationship NOW!  If now isn’t possible, please make a plan to get out of it as soon as possible.  Protect yourself!  You deserve to be safe!

Narcissism In The Bible

Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a modern, secular term, there is still information about narcissism in the Bible.  It is referred to as “insolent pride” in some places, as well as “scornful” or “scoffer.”  One example of narcissism in the Bible can be found in 2 Timothy 3:1-5.  In the Amplified translation it says, “But understand this, that in the last days dangerous times [of great stress and trouble] will come [difficult days that will be hard to bear]. ²For people will be lovers of self [narcissistic, self-focused], lovers of money [impelled by greed], boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane, ³[and they will be] unloving [devoid of natural human affection, calloused and inhumane], irreconcilable, malicious gossips, devoid of self-control [intemperate, immoral], brutal, haters of good, ⁴traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of [sensual] pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith]. Avoid such people and keep far away from them.”  This certainly gives a good description of a narcissist, wouldn’t you agree?

There are quite a few examples of people displaying narcissistic behavior in the Bible as well.  One of those people is Cain.  His story can be found in Genesis 4.  To sum it up, Cain & his brother Abel made offerings to God. Abel’s was a good offering while Cain’s wasn’t.  Naturally Abel’s offering pleased God while Cain’s didn’t.  As a result, Cain was angry & killed his brother.

This got me to thinking about something.  Many narcissists remind me of Cain.

They are very envious when others get praise, especially in their presence.  In Genesis 4:4-5, Cain did this.  God praised Abel’s offering which greatly angered Cain.

In these situations, narcissists take that anger out on the person who received the praise instead of them.  Again, Cain did this in verse 8 when he killed Abel. 
Abel did nothing wrong & what he did had nothing to do with Cain.  Yet Cain took it so personally that God preferred Abel’s offering to Cain’s that he killed his own brother.

Narcissists also can’t stand it when someone is a good person trying to live their life right.  I think this is because someone who has integrity & good motives makes narcissists look bad.  Since they can’t tolerate looking less than perfect let alone bad, they get angry.  Another parallel to Cain showing this behavior is found in 1 John 3:12 which says, “and not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother [Abel]. And why did he murder him? Because Cain’s deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous.” 

When narcissists are called out on their abusive behavior, they hate it.  While no one likes it of course, narcissists take that to a new level.  Yet again, Cain did this too.  In true narcissist fashion, he became quite overly dramatic when God spoke to him about his punishment.  Genesis 4:13-14 describe this scene.  “Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear. ¹⁴Behold, You have driven me out this day from the face of the land; and from Your face (presence) I will be hidden, and I will be a fugitive and an [aimless] vagabond on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”  Doesn’t this sound just like a narcissist?  When I have called the narcissists in my life out, they responded similarly by making me sound mean & unreasonable, like I was punishing them so unfairly.

If you ever want to read about narcissism in the Bible, the story of Cain is a great place to start obviously.  You also can look up Scriptures that mention insolent pride, scoffer & scornful people.  You just might be surprised how much the Bible can teach us about narcissists.

Males Really Can Be Abused By Females

Abuse is usually associated with men being the perpetrators & women being the victims.  However, this is not always the case.  Male can be victims of abuse by females just as easily.  Unfortunately, society has made it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse, because they are expected to be strong & to never show weakness.  However, it’s important for males to know that it’s ok to admit that a female has abused them.  It doesn’t mean that they are weak, should be ashamed of what happened to them or are any less of a man.

Two examples of men who were abused by women are Sampson, who was abused by Delilah, & King Ahab, who was abused by Jezebel.  Sampson was a powerful man who was brought down by his love for Delilah.  Jezebel was a manipulative & controlling wife who ruled over her husband, King Ahab.  Both men suffered at the hands of their female abusers, but their stories are seldom discussed in much detail.

The first step in addressing the issue of female to male abuse is to break the stigma that surrounds it.  The belief that males, no matter their age, should always be strong & never show weakness has been ingrained in society for generations.  This makes it difficult for males to speak out about their experiences of abuse.  They need to know that it’s ok to ask for help & to seek support from others.

Males who have been abused often feel ashamed & embarrassed.  They worry that others will judge them or not believe their stories.  This is why it’s important for society to recognize that males can be victims of abuse & to provide them with the support they need.  It’s also important to challenge the belief that males should always be strong & never show vulnerability.  By doing so, we can create a more accepting & supportive environment for male victims.

It’s also important to note that male victims more often are abused emotionally & psychologically, rather than physically.  Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, & it’s important for males to understand that any form of abuse is not ok.

One of the reasons why female on male abuse is often overlooked is because females tend to be more covert in their abuse.  They are often better at hiding their abusive ways & convincing others that they are incapable of being abusive.  This makes it difficult for male victims to be believed.

Covert abuse can involve gaslighting, manipulation, & emotional blackmail.  Females who abuse males often use these tactics to control their victims & to make them feel powerless.  Male victims may not even realize that they are being abused, as the abuse is often subtle & disguised as caring behavior.

Male victims may feel unsure about what is happening to them. They may feel like they are going crazy or that they are imagining things.  It’s important for them to know that they are not alone & that there is help available.

If you are a male victim of abuse, you do not have to suffer in silence.  There are resources available, including online support groups, counseling, & therapy.  If you opt for therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who understands male victims, which may mean seeing a few therapists before finding the right one for you.  You’re also welcome to join my Facebook group.  Several male abuse victims are in my group, so you won’t be alone.  Here’s the link:  https://facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT

It’s also important to reach out to friends & family members who you trust.  They may be much more supportive than you expect.

And never forget that God loves you, & is in your corner.  He is grieved you were abused & wants to help you heal.

Remember that there is no shame in admitting that you have been abused.  You are not weak, flawed or any less of a man because a female chose to abuse you.  She is the real problem, not you.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Discovering Your True Self After Narcissistic Abuse

No contact is often preached to victims of narcissistic abuse as if once you sever ties with a narcissist, your life will be perfect.  No contact is wonderful because it means the narcissist is out of your life, but that doesn’t mean all of your problems are over.  Narcissists rarely take no contact quietly, but even when they do, victims still have plenty to deal with if they are to heal from the narcissistic abuse.

One area where victims need healing is to discover who they truly are, not who their narcissist said they were.  While this may sound easy to some people, it really isn’t.  I plan to give victims in this position things to consider that can help them to discover their true identity, who God made them to be.

Prayer is always the best place to start, in my opinion.  Asking God to show you who you really are is so helpful!  It was paramount for me.  He showed me things I never would have considered before.  And, He can do the same for you!

Journaling is also helpful.  Take notes of things you learn along your journey so you can look back over them.  This can be a great reminder of things you have forgotten.

Ask yourself what interests do you have.  I don’t mean things a narcissist claimed you were interested in, but things that truly interest you that are free from outside influences.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse have no idea what things truly interest them or they minimize those things.  Consider what you do & how you feel about things without judging your feelings.  What brings you real joy, no matter what other people have to say? 

What talents do you have?  What can you say you are good at doing?  Are you talented with drawing?  Writing?  Building things?  If you struggle to find something, think about the complements people give you.  I know, as a victim of a critical narcissist, it can be tough to accept complements, but you need to do this.  Consider the nice things people have said to you.  Don’t judge the complements.  Instead, write them down.  They may help you to figure out who you really are.

What stirs up passion inside of you?  Do you feel strongly about animal rights?  Is there a human rights issue that lights a fire in you like nothing else?  What stirs up the strongest feelings in you, either good feelings or negative ones?  Take note of such things.  These things most likely are your calling.

What are your beliefs?  Narcissists do their best to make their victims think & believe exactly as they want them to.  It benefits narcissists but damages victims by making them lose an important part of themselves.  Start thinking about things in which you truly believe, whether or not the narcissist would approve of these things. 

What about your moral beliefs?  Another area where narcissists try to make their victims compromise is their morals.  They try convincing their victims that God doesn’t exist or if He does, He condones the narcissist’s abuse because the victim deserves punishment.  Narcissistic spouses convince their victims that monogamy is an outdated concept in order to justify their cheating ways.  Do you truly believe what the narcissist told you, or is it only because the narcissist told you this was how you should feel?

When trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, the best thing you can do is to question everything about not only the narcissist but yourself as well.  Questions will help you to learn more & knowledge truly is power.  So please start questioning everything & take good care of yourself!

How Narcissists Condition Their Victims To Accept Abuse

There is a story about a frog in a pan of hot water.  If the frog jumps into a pan of boiling water, immediately he’ll try to get right back out of it.  However, if the frog gets into a pan of water that slowly gets hotter & hotter until it boils, the frog won’t try to leave until it’s too late.  This is much how it is when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

If a narcissist began the relationship showing exactly what they are capable of doing, no one would continue the relationship in any way.  They would run fast in the opposite direction.  This is why narcissists hide their capacity for cruelty in the beginning of relationships.  They allow their victims to become comfortable with them, even trusting them.  As time passes, they start to do small things that make their victims uncomfortable as a way to condition them to accept more & more abuse. 

Consider the following scenario as an example.  Instead of wanting to be with their new romantic interest constantly as they were at first, suddenly the narcissist has other things to do that don’t involve the victim.  If the victim says anything, the narcissist says it’s nothing personal.. they just need or want to do these other things, relax!  It’s no big deal.  The narcissist does have a life other than the relationship, after all.  The victim accepts this & the narcissist does what they wanted to do, not caring about the victim being upset.  The victim still feels upset, but thinks they are being too possessive & in spite of being upset, tells him or her self that everything is fine.  They are being too clingy.  When this scenario happens again, the victim says nothing, even if he or she is upset. 

The victim in this scenario has been conditioned to accept something the narcissist has done is normal.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with a person doing things without their significant other.  However, it is very wrong for someone not to be concerned that this person they supposedly care about is upset & to minimize their feelings.  A functional person would have reassured their partner, been willing to talk about their partner’s feelings rather than invalidate them & possibly reschedule or even cancel their plans.  In typical narcissist fashion though, the narcissist in the scenario refuses to make any changes while simultaneously invalidating their victim’s feelings. 

This is how narcissists condition their victims to accept anything they do.  Basically this behavior desensitizes victims to abuse & normalizes it.  Victims in this scenario are like the frog in the pan of water that gradually gets hotter.  The abuse starts out not so bad, & narcissists condition their victim to accept those things.  Then they do slightly bigger things, condition their victim to accept those, then move onto bigger things yet & condition their victim to accept those & so on.  In time, the victim thinks the narcissist’s abusive behavior is normal, & is often no longer so deeply affected by it.  If they are, they minimize their feelings or even ignore them, because they believe this to be normal behavior.

I really believe this is why so many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing after ending the relationship.  They tell someone what happened, the person is shocked & the victim is surprised the other person thinks this was so terrible.  People who haven’t experienced abuse are stunned at the terrible things abusive people do to their victims.  Those of us who experienced it first hand however are often so desensitized to it because for us it was normal, that for us, it may be bad, but we don’t think of it as nearly so bad as those who haven’t been abused think it is.

What Being Stalked Is Really Like

Unless you have been a victim of stalking, you don’t know how traumatic & utterly terrifying it truly is.  When someone is being stalked, they spend almost all of their time worried about their stalker’s next step.  It’s a terrible way to live!

Stalking victims feel like they are constantly being watched.  Every movement, every sound, every person around them could be the stalker.  This fear can make the victim feel like they are never safe, even in their own home.  The victim may wonder if the stalker has been in their home while they were away, or if they are waiting for them inside when they get home.  This can cause victims to become paranoid & anxious, which takes a toll on their mental & physical health.  They may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, & trouble sleeping due to being on their guard constantly.  Victims should secure their home by doing things such as changing their locks, installing a security system, & being aware of any suspicious activity.  They should also report any incidents of home invasion or property damage to law enforcement.  It may be wise to consider moving to a new location to escape the stalker.  If that is done, victims should also take other steps to protect their privacy, such as using a post office box or having their mail forwarded to a trusted friend or family member.

Being stalked can also cause the victim to wonder about the stalker’s plans.  What do they want from me?  What exactly are they capable of doing?  Are they going to hurt or even kill me?  Stalkers’ intentions are often frightening & unclear, which can make victims feel even more helpless & vulnerable.  Victims know they are in constant danger, yet are unaware of exactly what kind of danger.

One other common fear that victims of stalking have is that the stalker may tamper with their car to make it unsafe.  This can include loosening lug nuts, cutting brake lines, or disabling the ignition.  It is important for victims to be aware of any changes to their car & to have it regularly inspected by a trusted mechanic.  They should also report any suspicious activity or damage to law enforcement.

Another fear that victims often have is that the stalker will involve their job.  The victim may worry that the stalker has contacted their boss or coworkers about them, which could cause them to lose their job, be embarrassed or even ostracized.  Victims should inform their employer of the situation & request that their privacy & safety be respected.  

Stalkers may also try to contact their victims’ friends & family to gain information or to intimidate them.  This can cause the victim to feel isolated & alone, especially if the stalker can convince them that they just care about the victim, which can happen.  They also may worry that their loved ones will be harmed.  Victims should talk to their loved ones about the situation & ask for support. They should inform them of the stalker’s behavior & ask them not to engage with the stalker or provide them with any information.

Stalkers may inundate their victim with text messages, social media, phone calls, or emails.  While this may not sound so bad, it can be extremely stressful & terrifying.  Victims should consider changing their phone number & email address & increasing their privacy settings on social media.  This may not stop a stalker permanently, as they often have ways of finding their victim’s new contact information & ways around blocks.  However, it is absolutely worth doing since not all stalkers do that.

It is important for victims of stalking to seek help & support, & to reach out to law enforcement.  Victim advocates & support groups may be helpful as well.

Stalking victims need to know that they are not alone & that there is help available to them.  They deserve to feel safe & secure, & they should take steps to protect themselves & to seek assistance from those who can help them.

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

How Narcissists Treat Pets

It is often said that a person’s treatment of animals reveals their true character.  For narcissists, this holds true in the most disturbing ways.  While they may initially shower animals with affection & love, this is not done out of love.  The love they receive in return provides narcissistic supply.  And, it is done to earn their trust.  Once that trust is gained, narcissists often neglect or abuse animals, subjecting them to the same abuse they give to humans.  As someone who has witnessed this behavior, I can attest to the profound impact it has on the innocent creatures caught in the crossfire.

My own mother, a textbook overt narcissist, used to subject my pets to constant verbal abuse.  She would hurl nasty comments at them, remarking on their weight, size, or even their personality traits.  I remember her scolding one of my cats for being too loud & demanding, another was deemed too friendly & attention seeking, another too fat & yet another too thin while she was sick. 

But it wasn’t just the verbal abuse.  They also disregarded all boundaries.  I recall my covert narcissist father & one of my cats.  Despite repeated warnings, he continued to pet her belly, even though she clearly hated it.  In response, she scratched & bit him, trying to convey her discomfort, yet he persisted until she left him alone & came to me.

Narcissists also abuse their own pets.  In my lifetime, my parents had two cats.  Both cats were extremely anxious & skittish around my parents because of how they were treated.  I inherited their second cat after my mother died in 2019.  With time, understanding & lots of love, she became very devoted & loving towards me, although sadly she still shows periodic signs of having feline PTSD. 

Once narcissists have obtained the desired validation from animals, their interest in the animal wanes.  They neglect them, withholding the love & attention they once showered upon them.  This sudden withdrawal is a form of punishment & manipulation, leaving the animals confused & traumatized, & often untrusting of humans.

Some narcissists also tease animals mercilessly, deriving a sick pleasure from their distress.  They provoke them, intentionally pushing their boundaries & triggering fear or anxiety.  This is such sadistic behavior!

Just like humans, animals can be traumatized, & as a result suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD & behavioral issues after abuse.  They may become withdrawn, lose interest in activities they once enjoyed, or display aggressive behavior.  Abuse damaged their trust in humans, & it takes a great deal of patience, love & care to help them heal.

It’s essential for pet parents to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse & protect their pets.  Set boundaries such as not allowing the narcissist to visit your home or calling out their behavior when they mistreat your pet.  Yes, it will anger them, but it’s a small price to pay to protect your pet.  I also noticed when I told my parents to stop doing whatever they were doing to them, my pets responded well to me.  They knew I would protect them, & appreciated it.  Also as much as I dislike this option, it also may be appropriate sometimes – if you can’t avoid the narcissist visiting your home, lock your pet in a separate room until the narcissist leaves. If the narcissist asks why, tell them if they insist on coming by, they won’t get to see your pet because of how they treat him or her.  No doubt they will try to shame you for this, but remember – as the pet parent, your top priority is your pet’s safety, not the narcissist’s foolish opinions.

If you & your pet live with the narcissist, your situation is potentially much more dangerous.  If at all possible, protect your pet however necessary.  If the narcissist hurts or even kills your pet, it is going to be devastating.  My ex husband hurt my first cat, Magic, & even though that happened in 1994 I still feel guilty for allowing it. 

In conclusion, the abuse of animals by narcissists is a dark & disturbing reality.  The trauma they inflict upon animals & their parents is profound.  Animals need & deserve our love & protection from these vile individuals.

When Children Defend Themselves To Their Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents learn very quickly that defending themselves to their narcissistic parents isn’t an option.  Any time they try to stand up for themselves or express their own feelings, their parents accuse them of being disobedient, rebellious, a troublemaker & more.  Soon they learn to forget themselves & tolerate anything, including abuse, to be worthy of their parents’ love.  Eventually they learn that this was not a healthy way to live, & began to understand the importance of standing up for themselves.

Today, I will share some things I have learned on this topic.  

The first thing you need to understand is that narcissistic parents are primarily focused on themselves & their own needs, rather than those of their children. They are emotionally abusive, controlling, & manipulative, & they often use their children as a means of validation for their own egos.

For children of narcissistic parents, this can be a very difficult & confusing experience.  On the one hand, they may feel a strong attachment to their parent & want to please them.  On the other hand, they feel neglected, unloved, & abused by their parent’s behavior.  This can create cognitive dissonance, where the child feels both love & fear towards their parent at the same time.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means constantly walking on eggshells.  You never knew what could set them off, & always afraid of doing something wrong.  Although you may try your best to be the perfect child, no matter how hard you tried, it’s never enough.  My overtly narcissistic mother always found something to criticize or belittle me for, & I felt I could never do anything right.

Once I was in my late teens, I began to realize that I didn’t have to put up with my mother’s abuse anymore.  I started to see that her behavior was not normal or acceptable, & I stopped excusing it.  Standing up to her was not easy.  Every time I tried to express my own feelings or defend myself, she would rage at me, say terrible things about me or accuse me of awful things I hadn’t done.  She even told me me that she was thinking of sending me away to a military school or a psychiatric hospital. 

As an adult, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & her behavior finally made sense.  I realized why defending myself to her was always a problem!  I just needed to figure out how to defend myself in ways that wouldn’t anger her but also would help me.  The best way I found to do this was gently but firmly setting boundaries.

When dealing with narcissists, showing no emotion is best.  Any emotion at all gives them fuel to abuse you.  They accuse you of being over sensitive, having anger issues & more.  Keeping that in mind, when I needed to defend myself, I calmly stated no, that isn’t right or no, that wouldn’t work for me & not budge from this position.  My mother couldn’t get too angry because I was being reasonable.

I also learned how to pick my battles.  If the matter was important, I would calmly say she was incorrect & state the facts.  If it wasn’t important to me, I just let it go.

To do this, I leaned on God a lot.  I asked Him to guide me & that He did.  It wasn’t easy but with His help, my mother eventually began to respect my boundaries & be less critical.  It wasn’t perfect but for the most part, our relationship was better by the time we went no contact.

If you are in a similar situation with a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to know where to start. I would encourage you to start by praying, then by setting boundaries.  Calmly stated boundaries with consequences will let your parent know that you will not tolerate their abuse or manipulation anymore.  It may take time, but eventually they will start to understand that you are serious.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic child abuse, I also encourage you to prioritize your own self-care.  This will feel strange at first, prioritizing yourself but you can do it!  Do whatever helps your mental health.  

Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, & that you have the right to set boundaries & defend yourself.  It may take time & effort, but with patience & perseverance, you’ll learn to set boundaries & take good care of yourself!

Some Signs Your New Friend Or Partner Is Toxic

Whenever a person gets involved in a new relationship, whether that relationship is a friendship or romantic, that person is on their best behavior.  That is normal.  Since they are interested in this other person, they want that other person to be interested in them, so of course they present their best self.  The two people involved may even form a bond almost immediately.  Such things are normal.

Unfortunately there are some very toxic people out there who try to mimic such things to draw people into a relationship with them.  They can be extremely manipulative, controlling & even evil.  At best, they are very dysfunctional & lacking in knowledge of how to handle new relationships.  At worst, they are narcissists.  If you are fortunate, the person in your situation is dysfunctional & willing to learn how to be healthier.  It seems most people who behave this way aren’t like that, though, & they are the ones you need to know how to recognize before they draw you in.

Narcissists are notorious for love bombing behavior.  In other words, they shower their new interest with affection, praise, gifts & anything that makes them feel loved.  It can be hard to recognize this behavior in the moment, because it makes a person feel swept off their feet.  When feeling that way, common sense can be completely lost.  To help anyone in that situation, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss some signs of love bombing today.

While praise is certainly a good thing, a love bombing narcissist will take it too far when they are love bombing their victim.  Their victim can do no wrong, or anything less than perfect really.

Everyone has met someone that they just “clicked” with immediately.  It’s a wonderful feeling, having met someone with whom you share so many similarities.  Narcissists may appear to have a great deal in common with you, but the truth is that they are faking it.  They only say that they like the same things you do or dislike the same things you don’t after you mention your feelings.  They also have no history of interest in the things you like, yet they say they do.

Narcissists want to know their victims’ dreams, thoughts, secret desires & traumas right away.  This is so they can use these things against their victim to hurt or manipulate them.

They often shower their new victims with gifts that although nice, don’t quite match their victim’s personality.  For example, you like pink roses but he always gives you yellow tulips. 

The relationship moves extremely fast.  That new friend may claim you are their best friend after knowing them only a short time.  Or, that new love interest starts talking about marrying you after you have been dating a very short time.  They claim you are special, they never have known anyone like you before, you are their soul mate & more, trying to make the relationship very serious even though you haven’t known each other for long.

If the relationship is romantic, a narcissist will push for physical intimacy very early.  Many narcissists use sex as a weapon, so the sooner they can get their victims into bed, the better.  They figure out exactly what their victims like, & use that to make them want the narcissist.  Then, they push their victims away without warning to confuse them & make them willing to do anything that pleases the narcissist just to have that part of the relationship back.

Suddenly the narcissist will turn cold towards you, leaving you wondering what you did wrong but the truth is, you haven’t done anything wrong.  Then the abuse will start.  Criticisms, manipulation, trying to keep you from seeing your friends & family.  This is typical of a narcissistic relationship. 

If your new friend or partner displays these behaviors, end the relationship as soon as you possibly can.  You deserve to be treated so much better than this!  End it before it goes any further & protect your mental health!

Something I Used To Experience That Was Similar Panic Attacks

Have you experienced panic attacks?  If so, you know just how awful they are.  I learned many years ago that there is something similar to them & equally awful.  Instead of feeling panicked, I felt angry.  My body would tense up, & I would feel tightness in my chest, trembling, & a rapid heart rate.  It happened every time my husband & I were going to see his narcissistic mother.  After a lifetime of suffering narcissistic abuse, I was fed up with the most recent narcissist in my life at the time.  I had no knowledge then of healthy ways to cope or anything about narcissistic abuse though, so I just got angry.  The anger attacks (as I named them) is one way it manifested.  If this happens to you too, you’re not alone, & you’re not crazy!  It’s a sign you have a lot of justifiable anger inside about being abused.  The good news is that there are ways to heal.

The first step in dealing with your anger is acknowledging it.  It’s ok to be angry about being mistreated.  You were not treated fairly, & it’s understandable that you’re angry.  It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, unreasonable or even a failure as a Christian.  You need to feel that anger to free yourself of it.  Prayer is an excellent way to do this, & I highly recommend it.  God understands how you feel.  He’s angry that someone abused you too!  He is always willing to listen & comfort you.  God isn’t going to be surprised, offended or disappointed in you for feeling anger, so just be open with Him about it. You also can pray for strength & guidance on how to handle your anger in a healthy way.  Prayer can also give you peace & comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.

Another way to do this is through journaling.  Write down your thoughts & feelings about what happened to you.  This is a great way to help you process your emotions & gain clarity about how to move forward.

Talking to safe people about your anger also can help you process it.  Find someone you trust, such as a close friend, & talk to them about what happened to you.  They can offer support, validation, & guidance on how to move forward especially if they have been through similar experiences.  

Practicing self-care is essential.  Take time for yourself & do things that make you feel nurtured & happy.  This can include things like participating in your favorite hobby, reading, or listening to music that “speaks” to you.  

Setting boundaries is another essential part of dealing with anger.  It’s important to set boundaries with the people who have abused you to protect yourself from further harm.  This can include limiting your contact with them or cutting them out of your life entirely.  

Don’t tolerate people abusing you!  You deserve so much better than that!  It can be hard not to slip back into old patterns sometimes, tolerating more than you should from people, but as soon as you recognize you’re doing this, change your behavior.  Remind yourself of how far you’ve come & how much you’ve healed, & how you deserve to be treated with love & respect.

The more you do these things, the sooner those anger attacks will go away & the healthier you’ll become.  You also will find that as you heal, your relationships will improve.  Good, healthy people are more drawn to you & the toxic ones keep their distance. 

Take good care of yourself!  I’m praying for you!

Adults Who Were Invalidated In Childhood: The Lasting Effects

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, but the scars are often invisible.  Children who are invalidated, or told that their feelings & experiences are not valid, carry that pain into adulthood.  The effects can lead to a lack of self-esteem, difficulty with relationships, & a constant need for validation from others.  Today, we’ll discuss signs of invalidation & ways that adults who were invalidated as children may still be impacted by that trauma.

Some common signs of invalidation include:

Telling children to be understanding of those who hurt them: When a child is hurt by someone else, it’s important to validate their feelings & let them know that it’s not ok for someone to hurt them.  If a child is told to just “get over it” or “be the bigger person,” they learn that their own feelings are not important.

Saying they’re oversensitive: Children who are told that they’re “too sensitive” learn to suppress their emotions.  This leads to a lack of emotional regulation & difficulty expressing themselves later in life.

Parents mocked their likes & dreams: When a child is excited about something, whether it’s a new hobby or career aspiration, it’s important to encourage & support them.  However, if a child’s interests are constantly belittled, they learn to hide their passions & desires.

Children who were invalidated develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with the pain & trauma they experience.  Some common behaviors include:

Seeking validation from others: Adults who were invalidated as children have a constant need for validation from others.  They seek out those who will validate their feelings & experiences, & struggle with feeling like they’re not “good enough” without that validation.

Not allowing themselves to show vulnerability to others: Because adults who were invalidated learned their feelings are not important, they struggle with showing vulnerability to others.  They may feel like they need to appear confidentt, & struggle with asking for help when they need it.

Apologizing often: Adults who were invalidated feel like they’re always in the wrong, even when they’re not.  They apologize excessively or take on blame that isn’t theirs in order to avoid conflict or criticism.

Over-explaining: Because adults who were invalidated learned that their experiences & feelings are not valid, they often feel like they need to explain themselves.  This leads to over-explaining or defending oneself excessively, even when it’s not necessary.

Perfectionism: Adults who were invalidated often feel like they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable or loveable.  They have high expectations for themselves & struggle with failure, which frequently leads to anxiety & depression.

Healing from emotional abuse isn’t easy, but it’s possible.  Some things that are helpful include:

Prayer:  God is the only one who truly understands how you feel.  He made you, so He obviously knows you better than anyone.  Allow Him to help you heal & to teach you what you need to do to heal.

Self-compassion: Learning to be kind & compassionate to oneself is a powerful tool for healing.  Forgive your mistakes easily.  Practice self-care & self-compassion on a regular basis.

Learn to practice self validation rather than relying on others to validate you:  Adults who were invalidated as children need to learn to validate their own feelings & experiences & to value their own opinion of themselves more than that of others.

Invalidation has long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health & ability to form healthy relationships.  However, healing is possible.

Narcissists Train Victims to Expect Nothing From Them

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?  If so I bet that person always made you feel like you were asking for too much.  Did they also make you believe that your needs were insignificant & selfish?  Such things are typical narcissist behavior.

Narcissists manipulate & control their victims to meet their own needs & wants while disregarding the victim’s feelings & desires.  One of the ways they do this is by training their victims to expect nothing from them.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often are afraid to ask for anything from the narcissist with whom they are in a relationship.  They have learned that asking for anything is a huge crisis & usually leads to emotional abuse & manipulation.  

Training their victims to expect nothing from them starts with small things, such as not responding to texts or calls, canceling plans at the last minute, or forgetting important dates or events.  Victims start to feel like they can’t rely on the narcissists & that their needs don’t matter.

Over time, narcissists criticize their victims for asking for anything.  They imply or say outright that their partner is demanding, a nag, selfish, & thinks of no one but themselves.  Narcissists make their victims feel guilty for even bringing up their needs or wants.  For example, if a victim asks their narcissistic romantic partner to spend more time with them, the narcissist may respond by saying that they need their space & that their partner is too clingy.  They will make their partner feel like they are a problem & that they need to change their behavior to accommodate the narcissist.

Victims of narcissistic abuse quickly learn that asking for anything comes at a high cost.  Narcissists use any opportunity to make their partner feel guilty or ashamed for asking for anything, no matter how small.  They use emotional blackmail, gaslighting, & other manipulation tactics to make their partner feel like they are the problem.  They make their partner feel like they are asking for too much & that they should be able to handle everything on their own.  An example is this: if a victim asks their partner for help with something, the narcissist may respond by saying that they are too busy or that their partner is being too needy.

Over time, victims naturally internalize the messages.  They believe that their needs are unimportant & that they should stop asking for anything from their partner.  They become hyper-focused on the narcissist’s needs & desires, forgetting their own in the process.

Breaking free from the abusive cycle is possible.

The first step is to pray.  God has helped me & taught me so much about narcissistic abuse. He is vital in dealing with these people.  Ask Him for wisdom & courage, ask Him to help you recognize the manipulation tactics of the narcissist & anything else you need.  The more you recognize what the narcissist is doing, the less likely you are to tolerate abuse.

It also helps so much to question from an unemotional, logical perspective.  Does what he or she says make sense?  Why is it ok for me to do for them, but they can’t do for me?  Questions like this can help you to gain clarity in your situation.

Narcissists train their victims to expect nothing from them by making them feel guilty & ashamed for asking for anything, while they ask for anything, no matter the cost to their victims.  This is one more way they destroy their victim’s self esteem & train them to shrink themselves so they can focus only on the narcissist.  Breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse is possible, but it takes faith, courage, & determination.  

Things Abusive Partners Say

Many abusive people are very quick to judge & criticize victims of their abuse.  They deny the abuse was bad or that it even happened, they criticize how we choose to heal, they criticize us for not forgiving & forgetting the awful behavior & much more. 

For victims who have been abused by someone they love, then are judged & criticized by that person, I know it can be hard not to take your significant other’s thoughtless & cruel words to heart, but try not to!  You are the only one trying to be functional in this dysfunctional situation, & no one else has the right to judge or criticize how you do it or what you do, least of all the person who is abusing you   Please consider the following points.

Did it ever occur to you that you aren’t dumb, easily manipulated or confused because someone’s words & actions didn’t line up?  Who would know what to do in that situation?! That wouldn’t mean someone is dumb, easily manipulated or confused.  It would mean they were simply human. It takes time & learning to learn what to do in the midst of abuse.

You also aren’t high maintenance, demanding or nagging because you want anyone you share your life with to treat you with basic respect & consideration rather than being abusive.  Wanting people to treat you that way is actually a very good thing!  It shows you care about yourself & have self respect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with or bad about that!

Neither are you high maintenance for wanting to communicate with someone with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  This is a normal need that all human beings have, that God put in people.  Secrets don’t have a place in healthy & loving romantic relationships.

There is nothing wrong with you if you become anxious when someone is hot & cold with you.  Normal, functional people don’t send mixed messages to people that they care about by being very affectionate & attentive in then suddenly turning very cold without explanation.  This behavior is what is wrong.  The anxiety it causes is completely normal.

Being anxious is also completely normal when someone suddenly changes plans frequently, limits your access to them, & is vague when discussing personal details.  Any normal person would be put off by such unsettling behavior.  You also don’t have attachment issues or mental illness if you are unwilling to tolerate those behaviors quietly.

There is nothing wrong with you because you want to face the truth rather than constantly ignoring important issues.  Facing the truth is so much healthier than constantly sweeping things under the rug! Dysfunctional people do this because they prefer to avoid pain.  And, abusive people do this as a way to minimize their abusive behavior in the minds of their victims.  It’s a form of gaslighting.

If your significant other says such things to you, please remember what I have said.  I am telling you the truth, NOT your abusive partner!

If You Feel Stupid Or Weak Because You’re In A Relationship With A Narcissist, Please Read This

Every January, I write a blog post with the purpose of encouraging those who maintain a relationship with a narcissist. You’re in a very difficult & painful position. No doubt you also have been judged & criticized harshly. It’s about time for you to receive some kindness for a change.

If you have been unable to end a relationship with a narcissist, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid or weak at all, although I certainly understand why you feel that way.  Fighting a narcissist is mentally & physically draining.  When the time is right, you’ll know it & have the strength to end the relationship. Timing is very important, & maybe you haven’t been able to end the relationship simply because the timing isn’t right.

Narcissists often destroy their victims financially, making them completely dependent on them.  Being in this position doesn’t make you stupid or weak! It means you have been a victim of financial abuse.

Narcissists often make victims feel forced to maintain the relationship with them.  Somehow they make their victims feel they owe the narcissist. My ex husband did that, which is why I married him in spite of not wanting to. Many threaten their victim if he or she says they want to leave.  They threaten to keep them from their children or even kill their children.  They threaten to kill their loved ones or pets.  When this happens, who wouldn’t stay out of fear the narcissist will follow through on such threats?!  That doesn’t make anyone stupid or weak.  It makes you someone who loves others & wants to protect them.

Narcissists also often make their victims feel obligated to the relationship somehow.  They may twist Scripture around to make you seem evil for considering ending the relationship.  Or they may manipulate your good nature & make you pity them.  If that is your situation, it’s manipulation, not stupidity or weakness on your part!

Maybe the narcissist has destroyed your self-esteem so badly, you feel incapable of surviving without that person.  Sadly, this happens all the time!  Feeling this way isn’t a sign of stupidity or weakness at all.  It’s a sign that a great deal of abuse has taken place.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is hard!  It takes a great deal of cunning & strength to maintain your sanity to continue on in such an awful situation.

If ending the relationship is your goal, that is so wise & brave!  It also isn’t the quick, easy fix many people seem to think it is.  If you live with the narcissist, then you know that it’ll take time to prepare financially, to arrange for a new place to live, & more.  Whether or not you live with the narcissist though, it also takes time to figure out the best way to end that relationship to minimize their rage as well as for you to summon the courage to follow through with your plans.

No, you definitely aren’t stupid or weak.  If you’re looking for solutions, that shows you are smart & also strong.  Obviously you want to survive this situation & that courage of yours will pay off.  You will get through this with your dignity & your sanity in tact!

For Those Who Grew Up With Covert And Overt Narcissistic Parents In The Same Home

Covert narcissists can be so much more challenging to identify than overt narcissists.  Overt narcissists are so loud & obvious that they are easy to spot.  Covert narcissists are much slyer, subtle & quiet with their abuse. 

For the child with one overt narcissistic parent & the other a covert narcissist, it can be especially challenging.  Anyone compared to the loud, raging parent seems good by comparison.  This works out very well for the covert narcissist parent.  The child naturally prefers them & is willing to do anything to please them. 

To insure their child keeps them as the preferred parent, often times, that parent will shower them with praise.  That child can do no wrong.  A child who is starving for a parent’s love & affection will crave this. 

The covert narcissist parent also confides in the child about their relationship problems with the other parent.  They may even convince the child that he or she needs to protect them from the other parent, while never suggesting that they protect the child.

The child in this situation is naturally drawn even more to that parent, creating a larger wedge between them & their other parent.  This provides narcissistic supply to the covert narcissistic parent, because they are known to their child as the good parent.

This behavior continues for years until that child shows some hints of independence.  Suddenly, the pedestal that child has been on all her life begins to wobble.  That loving parent who was so full of praise suddenly starts making a few negative comments.  It is baffling to the child, especially when it becomes more & more frequent.  Then one day, the mask comes off entirely, & that child realizes their “good” parent is just as bad as their “bad” parent.

This happened in my situation.  My entire childhood, my father showered me with praise & wouldn’t tell me no.  Both of my parents confided in me about their marital woes, but my father did it even more than my mother.  I honestly thought he & I had a great relationship & my mother was the real problem.

Suddenly one day when I was in my early 20’s, my father criticized my car.  That was the beginning of the end.  After that, he slowly became more critical of me, my husband, our home, our pets & friends too.

Eventually I learned about emotional incest, which clued me in to some of his behavior.  I started trying to set some boundaries with him, which he didn’t like.  He liked my boundaries even less when I set more & more boundaries after learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He would become angry & passive/aggressive when I set boundaries.  And, he barely let me speak when we had conversations.  This continued for a few years until I eventually went no contact with both of my parents.

If your situation is similar to mine, know you are not alone!  This is typical of people with one overt narcissistic parent & one covert.  I know it can make you feel like you’re going crazy but you aren’t!  This is simply what they do.  It is no reflection on you, but on their narcissism.  They can’t handle losing the control they once had over their children, & unlike overt narcissists, they won’t obviously show their rage.  They prefer to quietly tear apart their children to punish them for growing up.  Yes, this is truly ridiculous, but it is how they think. 

Please just remember what I have said.  No matter what your parent thinks, you haven’t done anything wrong by growing up, setting boundaries & having your own life.  Just keep doing what you need to do & let your parent be mad if they want.  Anyone mad at their own child for growing up clearly has serious problems!