Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

The Unfortunate Reality Of Trying To Please Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to please their parents & make them think they are good, & not the terrible person their parents say they are.  Sadly, no one ever can be good enough for their narcissistic parents.  Eventually, they realize this, & a desperate attempt to gain the approval of their parents can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors.

One way they try to obtain their parents’ approval is by trying activities they are not qualified for, such as taking on high-level jobs or starting businesses they don’t have the skills to manage.  This can lead to failure, which they may use as evidence to prove their parents’ belief that they are inadequate.

In an effort to gain their parents’ approval, children of narcissistic parents may marry people they are not compatible with, but their parents like.  They may think that by marrying someone their parents like, they will be able to gain their parent’s approval, even if the relationship is not a healthy one.  They prioritize their parents’ approval over their own happiness.

Another way they attempt to gain their parents’ approval is when children of narcissistic parents get into a lot of debt & then rely on their parents to help them pay it off.  This can be a way for them to prove their parents right by showing that they are unable to manage their finances & need their parents’ help.

In order to stop this destructive cycle, it’s vitally important to recognize that you deserve better than this.  You are a child of God!  Galatians 3:26 in the Amplified Bible says, “For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights & privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.”  God is the only parent whose approval you should seek!  Seek Him & nurture that relationship.  He will give you that love & approval you want & more.

It’s also very important to focus on building self-esteem.  Study what the Bible says about you.  God has very definite & wonderful opinions of His children, & learning those things will help build your self-esteem.

It also will help you to learn how to have realistic expectations of not only yourself but your parents as well.  If you view yourself & them realistically, you won’t be disappointed when you make mistakes or hurt when they’re so critical because you know that is just what they do.

And, while the Bible says we are to honor our parents, that doesn’t mean we are to allow them to determine how we feel about ourselves.  Your self worth doesn’t need to depend on how they see you.  It needs to come from learning what God says about you & from within.  Honoring them also doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate anything they say or do to you, no matter how cruel.  You can have healthy boundaries & honor your parents, although I’m sure narcissistic parents will disagree with that statement.  I wrote a small book on the topic called “How To Honor Abusive Parents”, & it’s available on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com or at this link.

Learn to release the hope of ever gaining your narcissistic parents’ approval.  Also get to know God as your Father, learn to love & accept yourself & have realistic expectations of your parents.  You will be much happier for it!

Narcissists Are Thieves

Narcissists are thieves in every way.  If they think they can get away with it, they will steal their victims’ money & possessions.  Even more commonly are the intangible items they steal from their victims such as their peace of mind, self esteem & sadly, sometimes even their will to live.

There is truly no end to what they will take from their victims if given the opportunity.  Many of those things they take are things that most people don’t even think about. 

Narcissists steal credit for good things their victims do.  If their coworker does a task well that the narcissist was supposed to help them with, they claim they did all of the work while the coworker at best helped them a little.  If their child displays a skill or talent narcissistic parents claim the child got that talent or skill from them.  According to the narcissistic parent, clearly that child wouldn’t be so good at that activity if it wasn’t for the parent possessing that same skill that they passed down to their child. 

Narcissists steal their victims’ ability to make choices.  It’s the narcissist’s way or no way.  Narcissistic parents make sure their children know that they are allowed zero boundaries.  This means the parent feels entitled to get rid of or destroy the child’s possessions, steal from the child, the child must be completely obedient to the parent no matter what personal cost to the child & more.  With a narcissistic spouse, this means that person married to the narcissist has no right to tell their spouse no on anything.  Narcissistic spouses believe they are entitled to demand anything they want from their spouse including but not limited to their time, paychecks, credit cards, possessions, cars & even their bodies while the victimized spouse isn’t allowed to protest in any way.  Narcissistic friends dictate what the victim does when they are together, who may or may not join them for group activities & even large chunks of their victims’ time. 

Narcissists also steal a victim’s right to independence.  They make their victims dependent on them to force their victims to stay in the relationship.  They do this by stealing their money, ruining their victims’ credit so they can’t move, ruining their relationships with supportive people so they have no one to turn to for help & destroying their victims’ self esteem so badly that they honestly believe that they can’t make it in life without the narcissist helping them.

Narcissists also steal their victims’ right to information in many cases.  This is most common when the narcissist in question is a victim’s parent or spouse.  They isolate the victim so there is no one in that victim’s life that they can tell that the narcissist is being abusive.  They may restrict or even deny their victim’s access to information by not allowing them to have internet access, television or even a car to go places where someone might tell them the truth.

Saying “no” or protesting these behaviors in any way often is met with negative & crazy making behavior such as the silent treatment, guilt trips, shaming, hostility or even rage.

If you are in a relationship with someone who does these things to you, I know it can seem confusing & like giving in is hardly the worst things in the world at the time compared to other things they are doing, but someone who expects you to tolerate this abusive behavior is someone very dangerous to your mental health!  Please get away from this person if at all possible!  Pray, & ask God to show you how to do it.  Also ask Him to give you creative ideas on how to deal with this person.  Start setting small boundaries to begin to take your power back.  That will help show you that you are strong, & you can set more boundaries.  You can do this! 

Narcissists Can Fake Empathy

Narcissists are without a doubt the best actors & actresses.  They deserve awards for their incredible ability to convince people of whatever they want to convince people of at any given time.  That is why they are able to convince so many people that they are wonderful, talented, loving & kind. 

One of the ways that showcase their acting skills the best is their ability to fake empathy.

Before I go any further, you need to understand what empathy really is.  True empathy is the ability not only to understand what other people feel but why they feel as they do.  Even if you haven’t been in their specific situation, you are able to understand how they feel.  You care about other people & feel consideration for them.  Your behavior reflects this.

Clearly, this isn’t something narcissists are capable of doing.  They can’t relate to other people like this, nor do they want to care how they feel or why they feel as they do.  They may recognize a person feels happy, sad or angry, but they have no idea exactly why they feel that way.  The closest they come to real empathy is being able to understand that certain things upset people, but rather than using this knowledge to be kind, they use it to control, manipulate or hurt people.

Narcissists never start off any relationship by showing their true colors.  If they did, no one would involve themselves with any narcissist.  Instead, they use deceptive tactics to lure victims in, such as mirroring their likes, dislikes, morals, & beliefs.  When they meet someone who is kind, they fake empathy.  They show their new love interest how understanding they are.  The victim feels so validated & understood.  Once their victim feels secure & has fallen in love with this narcissist, the mask comes off & that empathy that drew them in vanishes, leaving the victim wondering how to get it to come back.

Narcissists also will display empathy in the midst of a relationship once in a while as a means to keep their victim feeling mentally off balance, make them willing to do anything to please the narcissist to bring it back, & basically just to torture them.  It gives a victim such hope that there is some decency in the narcissist when they see them display some empathy, which is why they are willing to do anything to help the narcissist see it needs to stay permanently.  When the narcissist returns to their cruelty, it is devastating.  At one point before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I thought my mother was finally seeing the truth about how badly her behavior hurt me.  One day, she said she realized she made mistakes raising me.  She seemed sincere & genuinely sad about it.  I can’t describe the hope I felt when I thought she finally recognized how much pain & suffering she caused me!  I said, “Really?”  She replied by saying, “Of course I did.  Just look how you turned out.”  It felt like she drove a knife straight into my heart.

If someone you know treats you with a constant lack of genuine empathy, chances are very good that you are dealing with a narcissist.  If you can, ending the relationship is certainly in your best interest.  If you are unable or unwilling to do so at this time, then you need to pray a lot!  Ask God to help you to find ways to deal with this person.  Also remember that no matter what this person may say or do, they truly have no genuine empathy for you or anyone else.  Remembering that will help you not to be disappointed or devastated by their constant lack of empathy, because you know this is simply how this person is.  

When Someone You Are In A Relationship With Wants To Change You

For most of my life, I have been in countless relationships with many toxic people.  I grew up with narcissistic parents, have narcissistic relatives & in-laws, was once married to a narcissist, & have had more narcissistic friends than I can remember.  One thing every single one of them had in common was the desire to change me.  Prior to learning about having healthy relationships, I knew it was very annoying but I had no idea how abusive this was.  I dealt with their toxic behavior by trying to be whatever those people wanted me to be, & can tell you something.. it was absolutely NOT worth it!!

People who try to get other people to change to please them aren’t pleased with anyone or anything.  This means that they never will be pleased for long with the changes anyone else makes for them because they are so focused on things they consider flaws.  When someone changes one thing, they will find something else they think needs to change, then something else & there is no end to their list of things they think need to change.  Why make yourself miserable, constantly struggling to please someone who never will be pleased with what you do anyway?

There is also the fact that the things that people like this consider flaws rarely are actual flaws.  More often than not, they are simply differences, not flaws.  These imaginary flaws could be things like your hair color, the style of clothing you like, your taste in music, your favorite hobbies or even personality traits such as being introverted over extroverted or being “too sensitive.”  None of these things are flaws or bad in any way.  Anyone who thinks they are flaws clearly has issues.

People who want others to change for them often seek out those with people pleasing tendencies.  People pleasers are more than happy to do anything other people ask of them, even when it means making big sacrifices such as parts of their personality, & this just shouldn’t be.

If you are in a relationship with someone who wants you to change, this is NOT normal!  Small things, fine, such as your new spouse wanting you to use coasters when you set a drink on the coffee table but larger things like changing parts of your personality are not fine!  That is a big red flag of someone with controlling tendencies!

Remind yourself often that no one has the right to demand that you change anything about yourself, or dictate your personality traits.  Don’t give in to anyone’s unreasonable demands. 

If you think it’s ok to give into some demands, it’s not.  It won’t take long until you feel anger & even resentment.  You’ll be frustrated & miserable, too.  I promise you this will happen.  I know it will, because I have been there.  I resented those who demanded I change so much about myself just to please them.  I was miserable because I was being like what they wanted me to be, rather than what I was meant to be like.  I was miserable & they weren’t happy either because there was nothing I could do that would make them happy.  I felt powerless, too, because their love was so conditional, & based on me doing whatever to make them happy.  It is an utterly miserable way to live.  Don’t put yourself through this!  Instead, be unapologetically, authentically you.  If others don’t like that about you, so be it.  The right people, however, will absolutely love that about you.  Your voice, your thoughts, your feelings all matter.  You are worthy & you matter!  Never let anyone convince you otherwise!  Choose you, & don’t shrink yourself for anyone.  It’s never worth it!

When Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse Are Judged

If other people know you have been in a relationship of any type with a narcissist, be that person friend, relative or romantic partner, they often will judge you. 

If someone knows the narcissist in question, this is expected.  Narcissists are well known for releasing a smear campaign against anyone who ends a relationship with them.  Whether they openly lie about their victim or do it under the pretext of being “concerned” about their victim’s supposed outrageous behavior, smear campaigns are typical behavior of narcissists.  Also typically, many people blindly believe the narcissist’s lies in these situations.  They join in the smear campaign by spreading the narcissist’s lies to other people & shun the victim while obviously supporting the narcissist. 

There are also people who will judge you that you won’t expect.  Acquaintances or even strangers may judge you just as harshly.

Many people seem to think that Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn’t a real thing.  It’s some pop psychology term made up by people who want an excuse to “mistreat” someone by ending that relationship.  If the narcissist in this situation is a parent, people often assume the victim is just a spoiled brat who didn’t want to hear their parent tell them no.  If the narcissist is a spouse, the victim didn’t appreciate the good person the narcissistic spouse was. 

Unfortunately, being a victim of narcissistic abuse means that not only will you have to deal with being abused & traumatized, but also judged, criticized & villainized by people, even those with no vested interest whatsoever in your situation.  Since this is unavoidable, my hope is to help you when this happens to you.

When this happens, your best first step is to go to God in prayer.  Whether or not you know the person who is treating you this way, what they say about or to you can hurt a lot, & it will help you to allow God to comfort you. 

Also consider this person.  If this is someone you know, chances are you know quite a bit about his or her life.  People who have experienced abuse themselves don’t always have the courage to face their pain & abandon their abusers.  Instead, they refuse to deal with anything that reminds them of their pain.  If someone speaks about something that reminds them of their pain or handles a toxic situation in a healthy way, this upsets them.  They want to shut that person down & they often will to try to shame the victim & make him or her look bad. 

Many people are simply lazy.  It is easier to go along with an abusive person than to stand by a victim & stand up for what is right.  Since that is the easier path, nothing is required of them, they opt for taking that easier path.

Similarly, many people are cowardly.  Standing up for what is right goes against the “norm” in many cases.  People notice someone who speaks out against abuse in any capacity, & it takes courage to do this.  Not a lot of people have that courage.

And, some of these people are also narcissists.  They enjoy abusing just to abuse.  The covert narcissists no doubt especially enjoy this because by mistreating a victim & siding with the narcissist, they benefit in several ways.  Not only do they get to abuse someone but they get to look good by supporting the narcissist & they somehow benefit by gaining favor with the narcissist. 

Whatever a person’s reason for their hurtful behavior, it truly has nothing to do with you.  These reasons I mentioned people are cruel to victims prove that.  Keeping in mind that this person’s cruelty isn’t personal & is more about them than you helps you hurt less by their behavior. 

Also never forget that some people are simply miserable & only happy when they can complain, criticize others & be miserable.  The opinion of people like that really shouldn’t matter to you.  Instead focus on those in your life worthy of your time & love.

Lastly, never defend yourself to people like this.  They are committed to their view of you.  Nothing you can say or do will make them think otherwise, so why waste your time?  Let them have their delusions about what a terrible person you are while you go on living your life with joy & on your own terms.

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

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How Narcissists use Gossip To Achieve Their Goals

Gossiping is one of the worst things you can do to someone.  Whether it’s intentional or not, spreading rumors, lies, & other confidential information can have a devastating effect on relationships.  Proverbs 17:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “He who covers & forgives an offense seeks love, But he who repeats or gossips about a matter separates intimate friends.”  Unfortunately, gossiping is a common tactic used by narcissists to achieve their goals.

Narcissists want their victims to be isolated because it helps them to manipulate & control their victims when there is no outside interference.  They know that if their victims are surrounded by people who know the truth, their lies & manipulations will be exposed.  To avoid this, they use gossip to turn people against each other & create division.  This isolation helps to keep their victims in a state of powerlessness & confusion.  Today, we’ll look at how narcissists use gossip to achieve their goals of separation & control.

Narcissists use gossip to spread lies & rumors about their victims.  They may tell one person one thing about their victim & then another person something completely different.  This creates confusion & misunderstanding between the people who have been gossiped about.  It also serves to further isolate the victim from their friends & family.

The lies & rumors that narcissists spread about their victims are hurtful & damaging.  They may accuse their victims of things they didn’t do or spread rumors about their personal lives.  This can make it difficult for the victim to be taken seriously or even believed by people who believe the gossip.

Narcissists also use gossip to discredit their victims or make them look bad.  They may spread rumors about their victims’ shortcomings or flaws in order to make them look bad.  This can make it extremely difficult for the victim to get the help & support they need which can make it difficult for victims to trust others or form meaningful relationships.

Narcissists may also use gossip to discredit people who could potentially challenge their power or control.  They spread rumors about these people in order to make them look bad & ruin their reputation.  This allows the narcissist to maintain their power & control in the situation.

Finally, narcissists also use gossip to gain attention & power.  They may spread rumors & lies about their victims in an attempt to gain the attention & admiration of others.  They may also use gossip to manipulate & control their victims.  They may use gossip to turn people against each other or even to manipulate their victims into doing what they want.

Narcissists are experts at using gossip to get what they want, & sadly this tactic often works & has devastating effects on their victims.

Gossip is a powerful tool.  It’s important to be aware of how gossip can be used negatively & to protect yourself & those you love from its damaging effects.

No matter how tempting it may be to gossip, it’s important to remember that it can have serious consequences.  Be mindful of what you say & keep Proverbs 17:9 in mind.  By doing so, it will help you not to participate in such a harmful activity & it will help you not to assist a narcissist in their cruel games.

Looking At Trauma As A Gift

So many people push themselves & others to look at everything as if it is a gift, & this includes traumatic experiences.  While there are many wonderful things that can be looked at as blessings, trauma clearly doesn’t fit into that category, & there is nothing wrong with that.  Trauma is one of those things that is most certainly NOT a gift, no matter what may come from it.

When you have survived trauma, there is good that can come from it.  You become extremely compassionate to others who have suffered, even when their trauma is different than yours, because you know what it is like to suffer.  You may help raise awareness or even change laws to prevent others from suffering as you have.  Although these are absolutely wonderful things & you can be grateful for those things, they are born out of something that is far from wonderful.  And you know something?  It’s ok to admit that although good came from the trauma, & the trauma was anything but a gift.

By looking at trauma as a gift because of the good that came from it, it negates the trauma & pain of what happened.  All trauma needs to be acknowledged for what it is, not glossed over because something good happened as a direct result of that trauma.  Glossing over it minimizes the trauma, and it also invalidates those who have suffered traumatic experiences by basically saying, “Something good came from it so you can’t be traumatized!”  That is absolutely unhealthy! 

Looking at trauma as a gift is also incredibly shaming, in particular for those who are new to realizing how badly they were abused.  Most people in that place are struggling to accept that things weren’t as they thought.  They were told they were the problem or their actions made their abuser hurt them.  Losing that mindset & replacing it with the truth is very difficult at first because abusers work so hard to instill that mindset in their victims.  Adding in comments from people who try to convince them the abuse was actually a gift is very cruel, & can erase progress they made in accepting that their abuser was the real problem.

Rather than looking at trauma as a gift, it is much healthier to recognize that yes, it was horrible, but it is not a wasted experience & God still can bring good from it.  In the Amplified Translation of the Bible, Genesis 50:20 says, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome, that many people would be kept alive [as they are this day].”  Joseph said this after experiencing his brothers selling him into slavery and spending time in prison!  And later in Romans 8:28 says, “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”  Keep in mind, this epistle was written by the apostle Paul, who experienced some pretty terrible things in his life such as being imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.

Notice that neither Scripture involves denial of bad things or even sugarcoating them in the slightest.  Instead, they acknowledge God & His actions, encouraging the reader to see that He can bring good from even the worst of situations. 

I can tell you from my own experience how helpful that is!  Knowing that God could bring some good from my suffering has helped me to come to terms with the trauma I have experienced.  No, I’m not happy such painful things have happened, but I can handle it because I know that at least they had some purpose.  If they had none, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain knowing it was for nothing.

Rather than trying to look at your painful, traumatic experiences in a light that is too positive such as claiming they were a gift, instead, I want to encourage you to have a more balanced view of them.  Acknowledge they were terrible & painful, but at the same time, acknowledge that God can bring some good from them, no matter how terrible they were. Looking at trauma in this balanced way is so much better for your mental health than trying to be overly positive.

Signs Someone Is Being Or Has Been Abused

There are abusive people in all walks of life.  Abusers are a part of every race, financial standing, culture, & religion.  As a result, there are also victims in every walk of life.  Chances are excellent that you know someone right now who is being abused, even though that person hasn’t said anything about it.  There are some signs that can help you determine if someone is being abused. 

An exaggerated startle response or flinching are signs of abuse.  Someone who is physically abused naturally flinches easily because they expect to be hit.  A person whose startle response is exaggerated is that way because they are accustomed to being on alert constantly as a way to protect themselves from abuse.

People pleasing is a learned behavior from being abused.  It stems from trying to keep an abuser happy so they don’t hurt the victim.  This people pleasing behavior naturally branches out into other relationships in a victim’s life.

Lack of confidence is common in victims of all types of abuse.  Abusers blame their victims for everything & destroy their self esteem.

Constantly second guessing one’s self is a natural occurrence of someone with abuse in their past or present.  It goes along with the lack of self esteem. 

Distrusting one’s perceptions is a common sign of someone who has been or is being subjected to gaslighting.  Gaslighting makes a person doubt themselves so intensely that they even doubt what they see or hear.  They lose all trust in their perceptions of reality.

Struggling to express emotions is another sign that someone is being abused. Abusers have no tolerance for their victims’ emotions.  They are very shaming when victims show emotions, which teaches victims not to display any emotions.  Even after the abuse has ended & the abuser is out of their lives, many victims struggle with healthy expressions of their emotions for a long time.

Feeling inappropriately responsible for their parents is common among those who were abused by their parents.  While it’s normal to help parents periodically, especially as they get older, it’s not normal to put parents first when they are healthy.  Abusive parents don’t believe this.  They think their wants, feelings, needs, etc. should be their children’s top priority no matter their children’s age.  Failure to do so results in intense suffering for their child, usually in the form of guilt or even shame.  In order to avoid this, children in these situations take on the responsibility of their parents, even at the expense of their marriage & other relationships.

Constantly over explaining stems from having to explain everything about themselves to abusers.  This spills over into other relationships in a victim’s life, & that victim often supplies way too much unnecessary information to other people.

Constantly apologizing also stems from being abused.  Abusers blame their victims for making them angry or even making them abuse their victims.  Victims learn to apologize for anything & everything after experiencing this.

If someone you know expresses these behaviors, it would be a good idea to see if they are being abused.  Ask questions about their life & relationships.  If they are currently being abused, you can help!  Offer to help them find somewhere to move if they live with their abuser or offer them a room in your home.  You can store things they may need when they move out, too, that way the abuser won’t know they have these things.  If they don’t live with their abuser, help them by encouraging them, teaching them about healthy boundaries & Narcissistic Personality Disorder if their abuser sounds like a narcissist.

If this person has abuse in their past, you still can help.  Listen, encourage, pray with & for them.  Show them you care & will help them to heal.

Why Narcissists Are Quick To Judge Their Victims’ Mental Health

A very common tactic of narcissists is to make their victim look mentally or emotionally damaged somehow.  Doing this works out very well for narcissists, & equally badly for their victims.

If a narcissist can make the victim believe that they are damaged, the victim naturally will look elsewhere for information like what they should feel in situations, what they should do, & even just how to live.  Naturally they look to the person closest to them, which usually is the narcissist.  A victim who believes they are inferior to the narcissist will trust that narcissist to help them navigate life, & become a very well controlled victim. 

A victim who has been humiliated in this manner & doesn’t understand what is happening also will be anxious to do anything to prove this isn’t true, which also gives the narcissist control over him or her.  Since the narcissist is the one who started this lie, the victim may think they can get the narcissist to change his or her mind.  The victim may try to get the narcissist to see they aren’t crazy or whatever the narcissist claims they are by behaving however the narcissist wants them to behave as an attempt to regain their favor.  I felt this way growing up when my mother told me that I “needed help” as she often did.  I failed to realize at the time if she was so convinced I was mentally ill, she should have taken me to a doctor.

Convincing victims that they are seriously flawed damages their self-esteem at best, & destroys it at worst.  Either way works for the narcissist, because he or she will feel superior to their horribly flawed victim.  Feeling superior adds to the illusion that the narcissist is a wonderful person, which is tremendous narcissistic supply.

If a narcissist can get other people to see the victim as clearly inferior, those people won’t believe the victim if the victim speaks up about the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  They will chalk these stories up to the victim being unstable, over sensitive, neurotic, crazy or whatever the narcissist has said the victim is.  This means people won’t help the victim escape the narcissist.  In fact, they may even encourage that victim to change their behavior & listen to the narcissist, & maintain the relationship.  Victims in this situation are left without support, & may resign to maintaining this abusive relationship.

If a victim does escape the narcissist, their reputation that the narcissist created will do them plenty of harm.  People who believe the narcissist’s lies will flock to the narcissist’s side to offer comfort & support, while (often very cruelly) rejecting the victim.  They assume the victim really is as bad as the narcissist has said because he or she left the narcissist.  Victims in this situation are often left with little or even no support at the time they need it most.

There is another reason narcissists behave this way.  Doing so convinces them that their victim is the problem, not them or their abusive ways.  Claiming the victim is mentally or emotionally unbalanced makes that victim the narcissist’s scapegoat.  Having a scapegoat opens the door for narcissists to blame the scapegoat for anything & everything they want.  This means they can justify their abusive ways in their mind.  Narcissists with scapegoats can function without worry that there is anything wrong with them, because they have convinced themselves that the scapegoats are to blame for every single problem they have. 

If you are faced with a narcissist claiming that you are deeply flawed mentally or emotionally, remember, this isn’t about your mental health.  This is about the narcissist having an ulterior motive, & that motive is going to hurt you!  Protect yourself & don’t believe the lies!  Remember, narcissists attack what they feel threatened by.  They tell beautiful people they’re ugly, they tell smart people they’re stupid, & they tell sane people they’re crazy. 

Using The Term “Narcissist” Appropriately

Seeing the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissist happens all the time.  Flip through magazines or social media, & you’ll come across articles with titles like, “Is Your Partner A Narcissist?”  You also may notice people who talk about someone selfish, & they describe that person as a narcissist.  Unfortunately, the terms get used quite easily, & that can do a lot of damage. 

Experiences of victims of narcissistic abuse are minimized when a person who can be selfish is labeled as a narcissist.  When someone has suffered some of the most mind altering & damaging abuse possible at the hands of a narcissist hears someone call another person who had a selfish moment a narcissist, it diminishes the severity of narcissistic abuse.  It makes narcissism sound like it’s nothing more than simple thoughtless behavior.  This can make a victim feel like they’re oversensitive, exaggerating the severity of their experiences, are weak or foolish for developing C-PTSD after the abuse & more.  This mirrors what narcissists do to their victims.  One very common tactic they use is making their victims feel like something is very wrong with them for being traumatized by the abuse.  If they can accomplish this, it creates shame in the victims, which means they are more willing to tolerate more abuse which means they will be easier to manipulate & control.  Even if this is not the goal of someone calling the average selfish person narcissistic, shame is still the result.  Shame was already there, & this person is adding to it.  It’s a cruel thing to do to victims!

When the word narcissist is used too easily, it also minimizes narcissistic abuse in general.  If someone claims a narcissist hurt them by some basic selfish act such as standing them up on a date, this basically compares that experience to soul destroying narcissistic abuse.  Someone’s thoughtless or selfish behavior that isn’t their norm (as it is for narcissists) isn’t soul destroying.  Narcissistic abuse is.  Narcissists rarely act out of sheer thoughtlessness.  Yes, they do sometimes because they are so self centered they simply don’t deem others as worthy of their consideration.  However, the majority of the behavior of narcissists isn’t thoughtless.  They plan out everything they do for the purpose of using others to benefit themselves, manipulating or controlling others, & inflicting as much pain as they can possibly cause.  There is no comparison between someone who is selfish sometimes & a narcissist.  The damage they inflict is entirely different.

Using the term narcissist too loosely also minimizes just how bad narcissists truly are.  These people are evil.  They can use & abuse anyone without one iota of shame or remorse.  They can watch someone crying because of things they have done, & not feel one smidgen of concern or regret for hurting someone.  Things like this show they are NOT simply a person having a fleeting moment of being selfish or even the average selfish person.  These behaviors are evil!

I strongly recommend not using the term narcissist lightly.  It does so much disservice to their victims & the understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that most people have.  The term needs to be used appropriately & when someone has displayed more than simple selfish or thoughtless behavior.  Consistently showing selfishness, constantly looking for praise either by bragging openly or slyly about themselves, lacking empathy, being manipulative, envious, entitled & unwilling to change their behavior in spite of knowing how much pain it causes others are some of the hallmark signs true narcissists show.  People who exhibit these behaviors are the true narcissists, & they need to be called out for what they are, not the average thoughtless person.

When Romantic Relationships Suddenly Turn Bad

The early days in a romantic relationship are so exciting.  You’re starting to get to know each other, & everything is new.  There is so much to learn too, which means you’re never bored.  You often have that butterflies feeling when you see your new partner.  You feel a deep loss when you aren’t together & count the moments until you’re together again.  These are totally normal.  What isn’t normal is when you start to feel that the relationship is extremely intense & it is moving much faster than you expected.  Intense & fast moving are potentially signs of something known as love bombing.

Love bombing is a technique used by abusers to lure their victims into a relationship.  It makes victims feel swept off their feet, & bonds them to an abuser quickly & powerfully.

Love bombers do much as the name suggests.  They use loving gestures to constantly shower extreme praise, attention & affection on their victims.  They tell victims things like they believe they are soul mates, no one has ever made the victim feel like this before, they have waited for someone like this victim their whole life or they never thought they would meet someone like the victim.  They often mention marriage shortly after meeting the victim, making them feel like this person is madly in love with them to consider such a serious commitment so early on.  Victims in this situation feel flattered, secure & even obligated to the love bomber because of this behavior.

In time however, the love bombing stops & the abuse begins.  Practically overnight, the love bomber goes from lavishing excessive praise & love on their victim to being manipulative, controlling & demanding.  They become upset when the victim sets boundaries or the victim is not available to them for even a sure period of time.  They may become disproportionately jealous, accusing their victim of being unfaithful even if the victim simply spoke someone of the opposite gender in passing.  They also insist on being in control of who their victim spends time with & how their victim spends their time.  In fact, these abusive people also limit who they allow in their victims’ lives.  They often isolate their victims from their friends & family members.  The fewer supportive, caring people in a person’s life, the easier that person is to control, which is why abusers are so quick to isolate victims.  They may even sabotage their partners’ job & render them unable to work.  This works well for abusers because not only are they eliminating their victims’ potential friends who might point out the abuser’s actions are wrong, they are creating a scenario where the victims must depend on them financially.  This leaves them unable to escape the abuse.  Abuses in these situations also are excessively critical to the point of being cruel to their victims as a way to make them feel badly about themselves.  The lower a person’s self esteem, the less likely that person is to protest the abuse & the more likely they are to tolerate anything done to them.  Abusers are also excessively volatile & unpredictable when relating to their victims while presenting an entirely different & better image to anyone outside the home.

If you are in this type of relationship, you can escape!  First of all, pray & ask God to show you what to do.  Follow what He suggests. 

You also can discuss your feelings with your partner.  Not everyone who love bombs is toxic.  Sometimes they are merely very dysfunctional.  Someone like this may be open to changing their behavior.  If they are, this is a very good sign!  However, if they aren’t & respond to what you say with anger or excuses, this is a huge red flag that you are dealing with a toxic person.  If at all possible, ending the relationship quickly is your best move!  Protect yourself!  You have every right to do so!

Why Narcissists Keep Victims Focused On Fixing Relationships

Narcissists simply must be in control of their victims at all times.  That power gives them a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply, basically a “high” to them.  That “high” is so addictive, they will do anything to attain it.  One of the ways they accomplish this is by making their victims focus on fixing the relationship.

A very effective way to do this is to blame their victims for everything that is wrong in the relationship to keep their victims focused on trying to fix the problems in this relationship.  In typical narcissist style, they are allowed to do anything they want, say anything they want, spend all the money in the relationship including money they didn’t earn, ruin outside relationships to the point of isolating victims & anything else they can possible conceive.  Yet they say victims are completely unreasonable if such things bother them.  They often deny doing anything wrong, but on the off chance they do, they quickly will spin the situation around to where the victim appears to be the problem.  If only the victim hadn’t said or done that thing, then the narcissist wouldn’t have needed to do what they did.  It’s all the victim’s fault for making the narcissist so upset that they acted that way. 

I remember my mother saying what she did to me in my teen years was for my own good.  It wasn’t abuse, she was “trying to save me from myself by using tough love.”   Sometimes she would give me the silent treatment.  I’d beg her to tell me what’s wrong & she either wouldn’t answer or say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”  My first marriage was much the same way.  If only I would’ve agreed to the long laundry list of unreasonable things my ex husband wanted from me, our marriage would’ve been just fine, according to him.  I’ve had so called “friends” who were the same way.  If I didn’t do what they wanted, when they wanted it & how they wanted it done, I was to blame for their anger.  Like typical narcissists, their bad behavior was all my fault according to them.  I was the one to blame for problems in these relationships & I needed to fix the relationships.  They didn’t see the need to make any changes whatsoever.  As a result of them saying such things, I honestly believed that I was the problem in these relationships for a long time. 

I hope none of you reading this are in this relationship right now.  If you are, my heart truly goes out to you.  It’s such a dreadful place to be!  You can survive it though & without doing whatever unreasonable things the narcissist wants from you. 

Prayer is always the best place to start in any situation, but I think in particular when it comes to dealing with narcissists.  Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, creative ways to deal with them, courage, strength & anything else you can think of.

When they tell you what’s is “wrong” with you, don’t blindly take that as truth.  Stop for a moment & consider what they say.  Ask yourself, does it make sense?  Is this truly something wrong with me or is it something the narcissist wants from me & is trying to manipulate me into doing?  It can be a challenge at first to lose that knee jerk reaction to accept anything they have to say without question, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  Keep doing this & don’t beat yourself up when you slip up sometimes. 

Get to know yourself.  This is a great thing to do for so many reasons.  One being the more you know yourself, the easier it’ll be to identify truth from the narcissist’s accusations & manipulations.  Pay attention to what you really believe & how you really feel about everything.  It’ll help you get to know the real you, not who the narcissist says you are.

Learn about boundaries.  Figure out what you are willing & not willing to tolerate.  Then start small when you set them.  That will build your confidence to set bigger & bigger boundaries.

Never ever forget – it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, not ONE.  No matter how wonderful you may be, you alone are incapable of fixing any relationship.  Two people must work together to fix it, or it’ll never be fixed.

When Narcissists Push Victims Beyond Their Limits

Everyone has their limits, even the kindest, most laid back person.  This is never more evident than when a person is dealing with a narcissist. 

One of the favorite weapons of narcissists is to push their victim so hard that the victim snaps while the narcissist remains calm, then they claim this is evidence that the victim is the real problem in the relationship, over reacting, over sensitive, mentally unstable or even abusive.  A bonus is to quietly push their victim to this point in front of people so they see the victim as the narcissist says they are. 

The aim of a narcissist in such a scenario is to make the victim look bad to others, to gain favor, support &/or pity for the narcissist & to make the victim easier to control by proving to them that they are everything the narcissist claims they are.  It’s quite effective too, unless a victim is aware of this tactic.  After all, when you are the extremely emotional one while the narcissist remains calm, on the surface, it does look like you are the problem.  However, victims in this situation are NOT the problem!  They are victims of something known as reactive abuse.

If you have been in this situation, please know that you are not alone, neither are you crazy, unstable, abusive or anything else the narcissist claimed that you were.  Narcissists only say those things to you to make you think they are true, because someone who feels that way about themselves is easier to control than someone who recognizes the real problem at hand isn’t their reaction, but the behavior leading up to that reaction.  I firmly believe narcissists say the things they do like that because they know they are the exact opposite of being true.  In my experience, if a narcissist has said I was stupid, ugly, crazy, etc. I realized later that they believed exactly the opposite.  In truth, they thought I was very smart, pretty, mentally stable, etc.  That goes for you too!  Whatever the narcissist says you are, there is an excellent chance that he or she thinks exactly the opposite is true about you.

And, if you are ashamed of how you acted when in this position, please try not to be.  Easier said than done, I know, but please try!  You were under extreme duress by someone who was trying to make you act the way you did.  You acted as you did because you’re only human!  As I said at the beginning, everyone has their limits.  There is no shame in that.  I realize many people say that no one can make you feel a specific way, don’t give anyone that kind of power, but sometimes, you have no control.  When pushed hard enough to feel a certain way, you’re going to feel that way.  There is no avoiding that entirely. 

If anyone tells you that your behavior is abusive towards the narcissist, remember, it’s not.  You are the true victim in this situation because you were pushed beyond your mental & emotional limits to react this way.  That doesn’t make you abusive, it makes you a victim of abuse.

Lastly, whatever the narcissist told you about yourself to trigger this reaction from you is a lie.  I know I don’t know you or the narcissist personally, but I do know narcissists enough to know that whenever they say something bad about someone, it’s a lie.  It’s only said to cause pain, to make themselves look better, to manipulate or control another person.  They don’t say these things as a form of constructive criticism to encourage another person to learn & grow.  If that was their motive, they would be kinder about how they said things.  People who truly want to help others are much gentler with their words when they must be critical.  People who want to cause pain & control however are very cruel.

If you still have doubts, then I would encourage you to pray.  Ask God to show you the truth.  Ask Him if you are whatever the narcissist said you are, & let Him tell you what He thinks.  His truth is the only real truth, & you can trust that. 

About People Who Act Like They Know Everything Versus The Truly Intelligent.

One of my biggest pet peeves stems from my narcissistic ex husband.  He acted as if he was highly intelligent, intellectually superior to most other people, but me in particular.  I believe this behavior was partly to let me know he believed that I was stupid so I wouldn’t make him look so smart, as well as a way he could try to convince himself that he was as brilliant as he acted. 

This type of behavior is pretty typical of narcissists who are insecure about their intelligence.  Sadly it also can happen with people who aren’t narcissists, yet are insecure about their intelligence.  One person I know is very intelligent, but comes across as a know it all.  It stems from insecurity.  He grew up with a mother who treated him for years as if he was special, then suddenly treated him like dirt.  Going from one extreme to the other in his formative years obviously did some damage, which is only natural.

Thankfully, I have known many more people who truly are intelligent & were humble about it.  I’ve also known ones who weren’t exceptionally intelligent yet felt no need to portray themselves in any other light or make other people feel badly about themselves.  All of these people were secure in who they were. 

I firmly believe that security is one of the hallmarks of truly intelligent people, no matter their IQ.  People like this know that everyone is different, & no one is better or worse than other people.  They also know that a person’s IQ or education isn’t everything.  They know that person can be highly intelligent yet not have graduated high school or have an IQ of 160.  A truly intelligent person has common sense, not simply book knowledge or the ability to learn things at record speed.

Another hallmark of someone who is genuinely intelligent is they don’t feel the need to brag or show off.  There’s an old saying… you never see advertisements for Rolls Royce cars.  They know their worth & value, so they don’t have to advertise it.  That goes for people as well.  A person who knows their true worth won’t try to convince other people of it.  And, a person who is intelligent won’t brag about their intelligence.

They also don’t feel the need to put other people down, making those people look stupid & making themselves look smarter.  They have the sense to realize that type of behavior is not going to make them good, & it’s going to hurt the other person.

A really subtle but wonderful sign of intelligence is when an intelligent person explains something to others, they don’t make those people feel badly or stupid for asking questions.  Instead, they have a way of making the person asking feel that their question is important, valuable & yes, even smart. 

If you are faced with someone who acts as if they are much more intelligent than you, I hope you remember what I have said today.  It can be easy to fall victim to feeling stupid around someone who appears obviously smarter than you, especially if you’re insecure or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  But, if you pay attention to the person’s behavior, it shouldn’t take you long to realize what this person is all about.  A person who makes you feel inferior most likely feels that they are the inferior one to you instead of you being inferior to them.

When Narcissists Instill Fear In Their Victims

One way narcissists abuse their victims is by invoking fear in their victims.  Some narcissists may threaten their victim openly by threatening physical violence if they disobey the narcissist or something similar.  More commonly though, narcissists don’t threaten so openly.  They prefer stealthy type threats.

Think about it. How many times has a narcissist given you a look that struck deep fear into your heart?  Or, maybe they made a certain disapproving sigh or groan that told you that you were in trouble.  Sometimes, they use certain phrases, too.  They may say things like,

• Just keep it up!
• You really need to…
• If things don’t change, I don’t know what I’ll do.
• You make me so mad!  You’re lucky all I did was…

The goal of narcissists in these situations is to rule the lives of their victims by striking intense fear in them.  The more terrified a victim, the less likely that victim will tell other people about the narcissist’s actions, confront the narcissist or even leave the narcissist.

When this happens it can be very easy to feel blind terror, not knowing exactly what the narcissist has in mind to do to you.  Narcissists clearly are capable of evil, but they seem to make victims wonder exactly what kind of evil?  If I disobey, will this person hurt or even kill me? 

Rather than give into that blind terror, I want to encourage you to consider the situation objectively.

Chances are, you’ll realize that the narcissist is nothing more than a bully, trying to scare you with words rather than physically hurt you.  But, don’t assume that is all that is happening.  Many narcissists escalate their behavior slowly over time & they can turn physically abusive.  The escalation can happen so slowly that the victim doesn’t even realize it is escalation.  When you are caught up in simply surviving such a toxic, awful relationship, it can be very easy to miss the warning signs of the relationship becoming even more toxic.

You can know if your situation is escalating by considering this person’s behavior.  If this person has started yelling more or using some physically intimidating behaviors such as punching walls or standing over you as you sit, these could be warning signs that he or she will turn physically violent at some point.  If the narcissist in your life begins behaving in this way, things are clearly escalating.  You need to separate yourself from this person if at all possible & protect yourself!

Whether or not the relationship turns physically violent, it is still abusive & you don’t deserve to be treated this way.  If you want to get away but are unable to do so, try contacting your local domestic violence shelter or a hotline.  Talk to safe friends or family who might be able to help.  Contact a church for assistance & resources.  There are ways to escape abusive relationships even when it looks like there is no way out! 

When Healing, Question Everything

Recently I’ve been struggling quite a bit.  The holiday season is always a big challenge for me thanks to so many awful holidays during my adult life, but 2022, it was worse than usual.  I was really depressed & couldn’t figure out why.  I tried to ignore it since I couldn’t figure it out, & just chalked it up to this happens sometimes. 

Just after the first of the year though, I remembered something.  Many years ago, I read that in some people, repressed anger is at the root of their depression.  I’m all about getting to the root of things so I thought about this.  Suddenly things started to click in my mind.  I have been abused so much & have plenty of reasons to be angry.  Yet, expressing anger always has been an issue for me.  I learned early from my parents that my anger wasn’t acceptable, even though they were allowed to express theirs at any time.  There have been so many other people in my life who continued this treatment of me.  As a result, I learned it was easier to ignore my anger.  But, apparently now is the time to deal with it, so I’ve been learning how to do that.

I started by asking God what to do.  He brought to mind many things done to me that made me angry, yet I didn’t express that anger.  I identified the anger, then thought about specifically why I was angry.  If you have seen the Wheel Of Emotions, you’ll know what I mean.  Emotions funnel down to a precise facet.  In my case, I felt angry because I was mad for being betrayed, disrespected, violated &/or treated as if I didn’t matter as much as other people.  Then, I thought of questions about my situations that made me look at the situations differently.

One example that came to mind was when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19.  She was upset that although she picked a fight with me that night, I not only fought back, but then I wanted to get away, as any normal human would. That is why she threw me into the wall, to prevent me from leaving.  My father was upset that when he walked out a few minutes before this happened, she “locked him out”, even though his keys were in his pocket.   My ex husband/then fiancée was upset because, according to him, it was hard on him when Mom abused me.  I stayed with a friend’s parents that night & they were upset I didn’t come straight to their house immediately after it happened.  For the first time, I recently realized how horrible this was.  I was the one assaulted, yet no one cared how I felt!  I wondered why didn’t it matter to anyone that I was physically hurt & in a state of shock?  All that mattered is how THEY felt, not me, & I was the victim!  How does this make sense?  How can they honestly be ok with being so selfish?

By asking these questions, it got me madder than I was, which turned out to be a very good thing.  It enabled me to get rid of so much anger inside by finally feeling it.  It also made me realize I deserved to be treated so much better, which helped me realize I never would tolerate this again.

For a long time now, I’ve realized using logic helps when dealing with narcissists.  Calmly asking them logical questions like, “Why should I tolerate you treating me like that?  How does this benefit either of us?” often makes them back off, even if only temporarily.  Until this happened though, I had no idea how useful this could be in emotional healing after abuse.  It really is helpful though, & I hope you will try this as well!

Subtle Signs Of Disrespect

There are many ways a person can be disrespectful.  Many of those ways are obvious, such as telling another person they’re stupid.  Not all disrespectful ways are so noticeable however.  They are much more subtle, & sadly they happen all the time.  Everyone needs to be aware of them, & that’s the topic of today’s post.

Disrespectful people are selfish.  They may or may not be a narcissist, but even if they aren’t, they are selfish.  They think more of themselves, what they want, think, feel, & need than anyone else to the point they don’t have a lot of room left in their minds for thinking of other people.

A disrespectful person is inconsiderate of others in many ways, but in particular towards those that are romantically involved with them.  If they have a decision to make that affects both parties, they don’t consider how their decision will affect their partner.  They make their decision based on evidence that affects them only.  They also do what they want without consideration of how their actions & behaviors affect the other person in a relationship with them.  They make plans to do things without their partner, without seeing if their partner already had plans or would like to come along.  They change jobs that are far away or have different hours without asking their partner what they think of this arrangement.  They may even move a distance away without discussing it with their significant other first.

Disrespectful people do things that upset other people even when they know their behavior will upset them.  It’s usually not that they deliberately do things to upset other people.  It’s that they simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.  Or, if they do think of that, they don’t understand why this particular behavior is upsetting to someone.  If they don’t fully understand why this behavior is upsetting to someone, the chances of them repeating the behavior is excellent.  As an example, if someone knows that you are very upset about lateness, yet they continually are let when they meet up with you, that is clearly disrespectful behavior.

A disrespectful person can be controlling.  Let’s say you’re a woman on your first date or one of your first dates with a man.  You go out to dinner together.  If he places your order for you, without asking what you want, that may seem harmless but it’s a subtle sign of control.  Or, if you place your order & he tells the waiter you don’t want that, you want something else instead, that’s another sign of a controlling person. 

Disrespectful people have no respect for the time of others.  If you tell someone you’re on the phone with or visiting that you must go, & they act as if you said nothing, that is disrespectful.

While everyone behaves disrespectfully periodically, it shouldn’t be anyone’s normal behavior.  If someone you know acts this way, they are being very disrespectful & you don’t deserve this kind of treatment! 

You are well within your rights to speak to this person about their behavior.  Hopefully this person isn’t a narcissist, & they will be open to correction.  If you speak to them & they deny doing anything wrong or even turn the behavior back on you somehow, then chances are good you’re dealing with a narcissist.  Confronting narcissists, no matter how calmly or respectfully, rarely ends well for the person doing the confronting.  Pray often, learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & figure out how best to handle this relationship.

Parental Alienation

The term parental alienation describes a situation in which one parent drives a wedge in between the other parent & their child.  This happens often in cases of divorce, when one parent refuses to allow the other to see their child.  That parent tells the child terrible things about the other parent, such as that parent doesn’t really love the child.  The child naturally gravitates towards the alienating parent as a result. 

This type of scenario also can happen in intact narcissistic families. Narcissistic parents often similar tactics to cult leaders such as gaslighting, making love very conditional, isolating the children, rejecting the children if they question the alienating parent’s accusations & creating an unhealthy dependency on them in their children.  Children are also parentalized when the alienating parent claims the other parent is abusive, because not only do they tell the child details of the relationship that the child doesn’t necessarily need to hear, but they also expect the child to protect them from the other parent while creating a deep wedge in between the child & the alienated parent.

Parental alienation sets children up to experience painful cognitive dissonance.  A great deal of time & effort on the part of the alienating parent went into instilling certain beliefs in their child, & those beliefs become a big part of a child’s mind.  One day, probably in adulthood, they will see or hear something that contradicts those beliefs, & that will be incredibly hard & painful for the child.  That child may face the truth about what their alienating parent has done, & will be devastated because of their parent’s lies.  Or, that child may reject facing the truth & continue to live in the dysfunction because the cognitive dissonance is too painful to face.

Many people who have been subjected to parental alienation experience life long problems as a result.  Substance abuse, depression & the inability to trust other people are extremely common.  Many of these people also go on to struggle to have healthy relationships with their own children.

If you are in the position of being the alienated parent of your child, one great way you can handle the situation is avoid saying anything negative about the alienating parent.  Doing so only makes a child, no matter their age, become protective of the alienating parent.  Rather than say something like, “Your mother wants to take you away from me,” work to create an environment where your child feels safe & loved.  Tell your child often that you love him or her no matter what, & reassure that child often that you always will be there for him or her.

If you’re an adult & wonder if this describes your relationship with your parents, then seriously consider your situation.  Parents who try to alienate the other parent often also try to come between their children’s other relationships such as with siblings, other family members & even their spouses.  Also ask God to show you the truth.  Pay attention to what your parent says, & look for evidence that proves what they say or disproves it.  Ask people questions too, so you can form your own opinions.  You will figure out what is happening in time, & if you find that your parent is one who employs alienation tactics, God will help you to handle your situation.

“You Should Just Leave”

Being in a relationship with an abusive person is incredibly hard.  The routine changes daily, so what was good yesterday is suddenly bad today.  There is also constant belittling, invalidating, crazy-making, & so much more.  Seeing someone suffering like this, many people’s first thought is, “you should just leave.”  When someone doesn’t “just leave” in a timely manner or doesn’t want to leave at all, people often become disgusted with this person.  They either lose patience with the person & end the relationship or they think this is a sign the abuse isn’t so bad.  They may even doubt the person really is being abused at all, since they won’t leave. 

What these people fail to realize is that there are many very valid reasons a person stays in an abusive relationship for too long.  Today we are going to discuss some of them.

Victims are often terrified of their abusers & for good reasons.  Their abuser may be physically violent, or has threatened violence.  Or, he or she may not have threatened violence specifically, but instead has done things like punch walls, break things or hurt the victim’s pets.  Such behaviors show that this person is capable of violence, & no threats need to be spoken to instill fear in someone witnessing these behaviors.

Abusers annihilate their victims’ self esteem, which convinces them they need their abuser.  A person with no self esteem doesn’t believe in themselves in any capacity, which means they don’t know that they don’t need to depend on another person.  In fact, the thought of living without their abuser telling them what to do, think & feel often instills blind panic in a victim.

Abusers convince their victims that can change, & this won’t happen again.  Everyone has heard a story of a woman whose husband beats her, she leaves, he promises it’ll never happen again & she goes back to him over & over.  This is a common scenario.  Abusers panic when their victims leave.  They shower their victims with love & affection, & they make all kinds of promises to lure their victims back, including the promise to treat them better.  Abusers can appear very believable at this point, which is partly why their victims give them another chance.

Victims rarely have any real support to help them leave.  Abusers isolate their victims from friends & family so they can abuse their victims without interference.  Victims are often completely alone by the time they are ready to leave.  Leaving is hard enough with support, but without?  It’s so much harder.

Victims also rarely have any money.  Abusers take their victims’ paychecks or make sure they can’t work so they are financially dependent on the abuser.  It takes money to move out so without it, they are stuck.

Victims stay to protect their children.  Many victims will tolerate the abuse as a way to protect their children.  Their abuser won’t hurt the children as long as he has the victim to hurt.  Or, maybe the abuser said if the victim leaves, he or she will hurt or kill the children.  Staying seems like the safer alternative.

Victims are shamed & chastised by so called “religious” people.  So many people twist Scripture around to make the victim look like the problem for ending an abusive marriage.  These people also refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of abuse, help the victim in any way & abandon the victim in their time of need.

The law isn’t always on the side of victims, & is no help.  If you have proof of physical abuse, your chances of help are pretty good.  However, not all abusers abuse physically.  Other types of abuse are either legal or hard to prove.  Emotional, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse all fall into those categories.

As you can see, leaving an abusive person isn’t easy.  If you ever think of saying, “You should just leave” to someone in an abusive relationship, I hope you will consider these reasons why it’s not so easy to “just leave.”  Or, if you are the one in an abusive relationship & someone tells you that you should just leave, I hope you will fill them in on why that is not possible at the moment.

Romantic Relationships With A Covert Narcissist

Relationships with covert narcissists aren’t always easy to recognize.  That is why today we are going to address signs that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

Unlike their loud, boorish overt counterparts, covert narcissists come across as quiet & unassuming, often times even a bit naïve in the early days of a relationship.  They tend to be the type of person that can blend into the background, & doesn’t need to be the center of everyone’s attention.  They may not share much about their feelings early on, & they tend to mirror back to their victim by claiming they like similar things or share similar feelings.  It can seem a bit insincere, but that easily can be attributed to timidity, inexperience with dating or maybe social awkwardness.  In any case, it gets overlooked because they obviously want to know everything about their partner.  Being the focus of this undivided attention makes a person feel very special, so many flaws will go unnoticed.

Covert narcissists also want the relationship to move quickly.  They claim their new partner is their soul mate, they never met anyone so wonderful or they have looked for someone just like their partner for their entire life.  They quietly make their victim feel swept off their feet.  Even if this person is not the usual type the partner is interested in, they quickly ignore any doubts.  After all, the narcissist seems so sincere.

Once the victim is in this place, they begin to notice small changes in the narcissist.  Maybe he no longer calls his victim during his lunch break at work every day, or maybe she answers his texts hours later instead of only minutes.  In any case, something feels a bit off which makes the victim try harder to please the narcissist.  The relationship becomes consuming, & the victim’s other relationships may disappear.  The covert narcissist often says this is proof that those people really didn’t care about the victim, not like the narcissist does. 

The criticisms often start at this point.  Suddenly the victim is no longer the most beautiful woman the male narcissist has ever seen but instead could stand to lose a few pounds.  Or maybe the female narcissist stops complementing her victim’s handsomeness & makes comments about co workers or celebrities she finds handsome.  The criticisms always will be subtle & indirect.  He won’t say she’s fat, but imply she might feel better about herself if she lost some weight, for example.

The narcissist does other things that are off putting to their victim as well.  They may suddenly not be affected by the victim’s complaints or flustered state.  They may opt to watch television, scroll through their phone or continue to eat dinner as their victim pours out their heart.  If the victim says the narcissist isn’t listening, he or she gets offended, claiming that isn’t true, sometimes without even looking away from the distraction.  Even worse, they say this in such a way that the victim feels guilty for being critical. 

This type of behavior only gets worse.  They respond to victims by claiming they only have their victim’s best interests at heart, & don’t understand how their victim could think otherwise.  Victims in these relationships explain things that should not need explaining about the narcissist’s cruel behavior, yet always seem to end up apologizing to the narcissist for what the narcissist did to them. 

Sex is loveless.  They have no desire to make love with their partner.  They often either want boring sex that doesn’t please their victim, they prefer time alone with pornography or they want their partner to act out things they have seen in porn.  Either way, their victim is left feeling rejected, undesirable or even repulsive to the narcissist.

Somehow in spite of all of this, the victim ends up feeling as if they owe the narcissist.  If the victim broke up with the narcissist then later returned, the narcissist won’t have a problem bringing this up as a way to make the victim feel guilty & as if they owe that narcissist to make his or her life better from now on.  If the narcissist pays the bills or at least the majority of them, he or she never hesitates to remind the victim of this. 

If this sounds like someone you are romantically involved with, please do yourself a favor & get away from this person immediately!  You deserve so much better!  Stop making excuses or denying this behavior is abusive.  It is inexcusable & very abusive!   I can tell you this from experience because I was once married to someone like this.  No one has any right or reason to treat you this way, no matter what you may have done or didn’t do.  Get away from this person.  Heal.  Find someone who truly loves you & appreciates you for the wonderful person that you are!

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

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Signs Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, happens in abusive relationships.  It is when a person has an unnatural attachment to someone who abuses them.  It sounds far fetched to many people, but it can happen.  When a person suffers abuse yet that abuser periodically does acts of kindness for them, that can create a trauma bond.  An example could be someone whose narcissistic parents were abusive his entire life, yet also bought him his first car, put him through college & gave him money without question any time he asked.  Their generosity caused him to feel a bond to his parents in spite of the fact they abused him during childhood then continued to abuse not only him but also his wife & children.

Just because a person does something nice for you periodically doesn’t negate their abusive ways!  Abuse is abuse, no matter what perks may come along with it, & anyone in an abusive relationship needs to keep this in mind. 

There are some signs of trauma bonding that can help you to recognize if this is happening or has happened to you.

When in a relationship with someone you are trauma bonded to, that person comes first, period.  If the abuser is a romantic partner, you feel addicted to them.  If the abuser is a parent, they come first in your life, even above your friends, spouse, children, yourself & yes, even God.  The trauma bond keeps that person the top focus of your life.

On those rare occasions they do something good or nice for you, you doubt yourself.  You think you are just overreacting to the abuse.  After all, they did this great thing, so they’re not all bad, right?!

When the abuser hurts you, you make excuses for their behavior rather than confront them.  He had a bad day at work, or she just didn’t realize that saying that would be upsetting.

The abuser hurts you over & over, yet you continually try to please this person.  No sacrifice is too great on your part, either.  You will do anything for this person, no matter the personal cost or the cost to those who love you.

You become very self destructive.  The abuser has trained you to think you’re a failure & you don’t deserve anything good, so you sabotage yourself in every way imaginable to meet their expectations.  An example is you take jobs that you aren’t qualified for so when you get fired, the abuser can say, “I told you so.”  Or, you become romantically involved with someone the abuser doesn’t approve of, so they tell you that person is awful, unfaithful, dragging you down, after your money, or other nonsense. 

You have very damaged or even no self esteem because of this person’s abuse.  You don’t believe you deserve respect or love.  You believe you don’t have any value, & therefore will tolerate any manner of abuse & depravity this person wants to inflict on you.  You are willing to compromise your morals & standards to please them.

If you see yourself in these signs, chances are you are in a trauma bond with an abuser.  No matter who the abuser is, if at all possible, end the relationship immediately.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.  You DO have worth & value!  You matter!  Protect yourself & end this relationship.  Break the trauma bond, focus on your healing & live the good life that you deserve!

Validation & Praise

Growing up with abusive parents is a truly horrific experience.  The abuse takes a deep root inside of you & does a tremendous amount of damage.  One common way that damage manifests is the need for validation from other people.  If you think this doesn’t describe you, then please read on anyway.  You just might learn something about yourself.

External validation is great.  It’s always nice when other people praise you or say that something that was done to you was wrong.  However, adult children of abusive parents often take the desire for such things to an extreme.  It is quite clear that is what is happening when a person displays certain behaviors.

Someone who drops hints about something good they have done or a good quality they have may be seeking external validation.  The praise that other people give them in such situations is very welcomed since it tells this person that they really are OK, good, smart, attractive, valuable, etc.

Similarly, exaggerating a person’s good deeds or qualities is another cry for external validation.  As the saying goes, you don’t see commercials for Rolls Royce cars because they know their worth & value.  They don’t need to convince others they are great.  Anyone who feels they must magnify their good qualities is doing so in the hopes of gaining praise & external validation.

Excessive posting on social media can be a sign of someone looking for external validation.  Someone who shares a lot about their life on social media may be seeking “likes” & positive comments as a way to gain some external validation.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying a person who mentions something positive they have done, a positive quality they have or who shares on social media is completely dysfunctional.  Not at all!  I’m simply saying these things when done in excess can be a sign of someone who is seeking external validation & that is unhealthy.

External validation is great, but it truly shouldn’t be extremely, over the top important to anyone.  If it is, this is a sign of something wrong, such as low self esteem or envy.  It also can be a sign of a personality disorder.  Narcissists clearly take this to an extreme since they demand approval & praise from others, but those with Borderline Personality Disorder may also seek external validation frequently.

Being hyper-focused on external validation can be truly disruptive to a person’s life.  It can damage or ruin relationships with its neediness.  Even the most patient people get tired of feeling as if they constantly must reassure someone at some point. 

If you feel a strong need for external validation, you can fix this problem!  I know, because I once felt that need but no longer do.  I hope what I did helps you too!

The first step for me was to turn to God.  I asked Him for help, to show me what I needed to do to be healthier & to help me understand who He says I am.  I also studied what the Bible says about believers.  There are a lot of Scriptures about what God thinks of His children!  It’s very eye opening!

I watched my behavior, too.  If I realized I was starting to seek validation from other people, I stopped myself.  I asked myself why I felt this was necessary.  I also asked myself why I felt I needed the approval of this particular person.  If that person was dysfunctional, I realized that their approval truly wasn’t important.  They naturally would only praise dysfunctional behaviors so why would I want their validation?!  I also realized that those who are functional won’t make me feel I have to beg for validation.  They offer it freely.

Rather than turning to people for validation, I turned inward.  I acknowledged my feelings & thoughts.  If I felt that I did something well, I praised myself.  If I recognized something I’ve been through was wrong or bad, I told myself that.  My validation became good enough for me.  That took some time but it did happen & was well worth the wait!

I hope if you are seeking external validation in excess, you can change your ways.  People are fallible human beings, which means they will fail you sometimes.  Constantly looking to them for validation is setting yourself up for disappointment.  Instead, turning to God for it & learning to validate yourself will be much more fulfilling for you!

You Deserve Compassion & Kindness!

Once someone has been abused, often they quietly & obliviously develop the misguided belief that they are unworthy of compassion & kindness. 

Most likely this comes from their abusers constantly telling them that they are a burden, they’re stupid, do nothing but cause problems & other things that instill a deep root of toxic shame in victims.  That toxic shame tells people that their feelings, needs, wants, pains & every other thing about them aren’t valid. 

Add into this the phrase “victim mentality” & the shame society often inflicts on anyone who says they were a victim.  Clueless & often heartless people say victims should’ve just walked away, pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they should stop living in the past & being so negative.  It makes people feel that they deserved the abuse, & are weak for being abused or even having PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of the abuse, which only adds to the toxic shame.

Even worse than the toxic shame is the fact that being on the receiving end of such treatment makes people doubt the validity of their pain over their experiences.  They may think they weren’t abused so badly since their parent didn’t beat them, or their abusive husband “only” forced her to have sex a few times.  Other people have it so much worse, so their experiences couldn’t be all that bad, right?  WRONG!  They were bad!  In fact, they were worse than bad.  They were atrocious!  Being abused is horrible, no matter how frequently one is abused or whether it was verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial. 

After being on the receiving end of such treatment, is it common for people to think they’re awful people, whining about trivial matters, so they don’t deserve any compassion or kindness.  Today, I want to tell anyone who feels this way that they are ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  I don’t care what your abusers said you were or that other people maybe had it “worse” than you.  Your pain is valid.  Your experiences were terrible.  You did NOT deserve any of it.  And, you deserve compassion and kindness! 

Whether you are comfortable admitting this or not, the truth is you have been through some pretty horrific things.  Those things weren’t your fault.  You did nothing whatsoever to deserve them.  You aren’t a bad person because others said you were & treated you terribly.  Their behavior speaks much more about them than it does you.  And, it doesn’t mean you are undeserving of compassion & kindness.  You are as worthy of compassion & kindness just as much as any other person.  In fact, you are just as worthy as any other person in every possible way, period.

If you haven’t begun to focus on your healing, maybe today is the day to start.  It will benefit you so much to do so!  Admitting the abuse was wrong & painful is an excellent place to start.  Also recognizing that the way your abuser treated you truly had nothing to do with you but with your abusers is powerful for healing.  Get angry about the unfairness & cruelty of what was done to you!  That will help you to see that you didn’t deserve it, & you deserve to be treated so much better.  Pray, write in a journal, seek a counselor that specializes in trauma or whatever helps you to heal.  The more you heal, the more you’ll recognize that you are valuable.  The more you recognize your own value, the less poor treatment from other people you will tolerate.  You also will recognize what you deserve, & that includes to be loved, respected & treated compassionately & kindly. 

Blaming Abusive Parents Versus Holding Them Accountable

Life isn’t easy for adults who were abused by their parents.  The judgment of other people, often those who don’t know much if anything about the situation can be particularly painful.

Society as a whole says things like blood is thicker than water, forgive & forget, you only get one mother or father, they tried their best, & other such drivel.  Basically, this makes victims feel like holding their abusive parents accountable for their behavior is unfairly blaming them.  This is so wrong!

Blaming someone & holding them accountable are very different things!

Blame assigns responsibility for something done.  It is very critical & basically, the exact opposite of praise.  Blame is accusatory, & unwilling to listen to or consider anything other than the perception of the person doing the blaming.  It also implies shame, saying someone who did something is intrinsically bad.  Consider how narcissists speak as an example.  They blame others for making them act badly, for upsetting them & pretty much anything.  It also puts the person doing the blaming in a superior position, even if only in their mind.  Suddenly they become “good” & the other person becomes “bad.”

Holding someone accountable is different.  It states responsibility without the shame factor that is implied in blame.  It also means that you are responsible for your actions & you also are liable for them.  The person being held accountable is responsible for their actions, & can give satisfactory reasons for them.  Both people in this equation are equal, no one is “good or bad,” “superior or inferior”, unlike when blame is present.

I have spoken with a LOT of victims of child abuse as well as being one myself, which has taught me a tremendous amount about how adult victims of child abuse think.  One constant I have noticed is the lack of blame most victims have for their parents.  They don’t hate them, or feel superior to them somehow.  They would like to know why their parents treated them as they did. 

They also grew up believing that they were responsible for their parents somehow.  Abusive parents, in particular narcissistic ones, often engage in parentalizing behaviors, expecting their children to care for their needs instead of them caring for their children’s needs.  Or, the abusive parents looked to their children to fix some problems in their lives, such as their failing marriage.  These abusive behaviors led these children to feel as if they were betraying their parents if they blamed them for anything.  They excused the abuse or assumed responsibility for it themselves.

Once these children grew up & recognized their parents were abusive, they often still have trouble blaming their parents.  Instead, they hold their parents accountable, which is much more rational than blame anyway. 

Holding one’s abusive parents accountable for the abuse is perfectly reasonable.  It allows someone to have empathy for the struggles the abusive parent had that fueled their abusive ways while also allows this person to realize that setting boundaries or even removing such a parent from their life is sensible & reasonable.  This is what I did with my parents.  I recognized their dysfunction & why they were as they were.  My heart went out to them but since they weren’t willing to change their toxic ways, I had to set boundaries to protect my mental health. 

Narcissists clearly don’t handle blame or even holding them accountable well, in particular when this comes from their child, but their response isn’t your responsibility.  By holding them accountable in a reasonable way rather than angrily blaming them, any emotional reaction they have is their responsibility, not yours.