One year ago tomorrow, it’ll be one year since having that huge argument with my parents. That means it’s also been a year since speaking to my mother, & almost five months since speaking to my father. My mother stopped speaking to me after that argument but my father didn’t. He called less & less frequently as time passed, & the calls were much shorter, but he kept the door open with me.
I’ve prayed a LOT about the situation this past year. I felt God wanted me to pull away from my parents yet not tell them I want them out of my life. So, I didn’t contact my mother, send her cards or anything. I also haven’t sent my father any cards or called him, but I did take some of his calls & allowed him to visit me last December. Also during this year, God has shown me via dreams & opening my eyes just how selfish & dangerous my father really is. That visit in December really was eye opening for me. My father told me when he was coming to my home, & what we were doing while he was here. That on top of all of the other things that have happened made me pull away even further from him to the point I stopped taking his calls all together, & blocked my parents’ phone number.
Apparently this was an issue for my father. He sent several people after me to tell me I needed to call him asap. Thank God, in spite of the nasty old, dysfunctional feelings of needing to do as my parents say, God enabled me to resist contacting him.
My point in sharing this story with you, Dear Readers, is to give you hope.
When you have narcissistic parents, then learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you realize you need to make changes & it can be scary. You’re going against your parents, which is intimidating! They’ve trained you your entire life to be a certain way or face dire consequences. Even as an adult, the consequences still can be scary.
You may even feel you need to go no contact with them, which is even more intimidating. Doing it may feel impossible to you, but I can tell you it is possible.
Whichever you are planning on doing- changing your behavior yet staying in a relationship or going no contact- you can do it!
You need to begin in prayer. Ask God to show you what to do, how to do it & enable you to do whatever you need to do.
Start small.. start setting small boundaries, such as not answering the phone every time your narcissistic parent calls. When the phone rings, pray first. Ask God if He thinks you are able to handle the call or not, & listen to what He says.
Say “no” to your parent sometimes. Your parent will hate it, of course, but do it anyway. Say no to small things at first, then bigger things. An example is if your parent wants you to come by Friday, say no- Sunday would work better for you. It’s small, sure, but it’s taking back a little power.
If your parent insists on driving when you get together, you say you’ll meet them there & drive your own car. If need be, arrange to have something else to do after seeing them so you have a legitimate reason (in your parent’s eyes) to drive yourself. This is another small way to take back some power.
Small gestures like this are a great place to start- they worked wonders for me. Seeing I could take back some power & set some boundaries gave me strength. It made me realize I really didn’t have to settle for being abused constantly. And, as time wore on, I set more & more boundaries.
This behavior naturally pushes away narcissists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! I knew I wanted to go no contact quite some time before it happened, but it never felt right to tell my parents that. Being healthier naturally pushed them away which put us in a low contact state that I could tolerate. It also showed me just how abusive & dysfunctional they are because they can’t respect my boundaries. Normal people, if they dislike a boundary, they still respect it. Narcissists aren’t normal though. They try to get you to change your boundary, pout or get passive/aggressive when they are faced with a boundary they don’t like. Seeing my father’s behavior when I set boundaries with him was quite eye opening. For example, after our argument, he tried calling me non stop for days. When I didn’t take his calls, he called so early one morning I was still asleep! I thought I was dreaming about answering a phone until I heard his voice & woke up quickly. He said “he” just wanted to talk to me & “he” wanted to hear my voice & “he” thought this & “he” felt that. When you see something like this, it’s impossible to deny someone is abusive & manipulative. It can be very good seeing such things, because it gives you strength to either set more boundaries or to go low or no contact
I’m telling you, Dear Reader, these things work. They are a fantastic place to start making healthy changes in your life & relationship with your narcissistic parent. Try them, & see for yourself!