Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a sale on all of my print books. They’re 15% off until March 24, 2023. Simply enter code SPRINGREADS15 at checkout. My books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

25% Off All Of My Ebooks Until March 11, 2023

My publishers are offering a sale on all of my ebooks! No codes necessary, the price is automatically applied.

My books can be found at the links below:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

https://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

A Message For The Ladies

In the time that Jesus lived on the Earth, women were not exactly respected.  They weren’t allowed to participate in the activities of holy days, to talk to men outside of their home, to learn many basic things such as to read or even receive an inheritance.  Although things aren’t perfect today, women have it much better than they did in Jesus’ time.  In that era, women were supposed to be seen & not heard.

Thankfully, Jesus began to change this!  I find it so strange how many people think Christianity is oppressive to women, because the Bible is full of stories of how Jesus loved & taught everyone, not only men.  Women were among His closest companions.  Luke 8 tells of some of them.  Luke 8:2 mentions Mary Magdalene.  Jesus cast seven demons out of her & she devotedly followed him after that.  She was in fact at his trial & crucifixion.  Luke 8:3 mentions Joanna & Susanna along with many others whose names weren’t mentioned specifically.

There was also the prostitute who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears during a dinner at the house of a Pharisee.  Her story is told in Luke 7:36-50.

Another Mary is mentioned too.  She was the mother of one of the disciples of Jesus, James. 

John 4:7-30 tells the story of Jesus talking to a very sinful Samaritan woman.  At the time, most people wouldn’t have spoken with her, but Jesus did & talked to her with kindness, respect & love. 

We also can’t forget the woman caught in the act of adultery.  Her story is told in John 8.  The scribes & Pharisees demanded she be punished to the fullest extent of the law, yet interestingly, not one of them mentioned punishing the man she was with.  He reminded them that they weren’t perfect either.  Then He forgave her sin & told her not to sin again.  He showed her great mercy when many others would have stoned her to death.

Of course, we can’t forget Mary, the mother of Jesus!  She was with Him every possible moment of His time here on Earth.

Jesus loved these women dearly, & always treated them with love & respect.  He acknowledged their sins, but didn’t treat them as if that was what defined them.  He never talked down to them or treated them as society did, as if they were inferior.  He talked to them about anything & everything that interested them or that they needed to hear.  He praised their good deeds, such as the poor widow who gave a tiny amount in an offering because she gave all that she had.  

One of the best parts of how Jesus was with women is that He transformed their lives.  Rather than remaining seen & not heard, they ended up living lives of influence.  They made changes in the world around them.  That would have been impossible without Jesus!

Ladies, I want to encourage you today to be confident in yourself.  You are loved so much more than you know by God!  He supports you & wants only the best for you.  If you aren’t sure what His purpose for you is, start asking Him to show you.  Pay attention to the yearnings in your heart.  Start trying some things.  You’ll find out pretty quickly what you can & can’t do, what you love to do & what you don’t.  It may take a little time, but don’t be discouraged.  God has created you with a purpose & with the ability to fulfill that purpose!

Making A Difference With Your Faith In God

In a world that is filled with so much hurt & pain, it is easy to get lost & feel like our faith doesn’t matter.  We can get bogged down by the heaviness of the world & feel like our small act of faith can’t make a difference.  The truth is that faith absolutely makes a difference!

The reality is that God is the only thing that can turn the world upside down. But, when we have faith in God, we are able to see the world through His eyes & make a difference in the world with the gifts & talents that He has given us.  That’s why it’s important not to give up, & to keep your faith strong.

Faith is having complete trust & confidence in God.  It believes in the unseen.  It is the complete surrender of our doubt & fear to God.  It is trusting that God will never leave us or forsake us, no matter what we may be going through.  Faith is trusting in God, knowing that He will work out the details of our lives & is always in control.  It is also the courage to take action despite uncertainty. It is having trust that God’s plan is greater than our own.  It means that He will be our strength when we are weak.  

Faith can give us strength, courage & hope in the midst of difficult & uncertain times. It can help to bring about peace, joy & transformation in every aspect of our lives.

It takes faith to look at the world & see it differently than others.  Faith wants to make a difference, believes that we can & trusts that God will give us the strength & ability to do so.  With faith, we can believe that the world can be different & that we have the power to make a change.

Faith can lead us to action & open us up to new possibilities.  Faith can move mountains, change the course of history & bring about a wave of transformation in the world.  It is a force that cannot be stopped & will always prevail in the end.  Faith is a powerful tool that can be used for good & when we have faith in the unseen, amazing & wonderful things can happen.

Faith has the power to bring about real & lasting change in the world.  When we have faith & believe that better things are possible, God empowers us to take action & create a more loving & just world.  

Faith can lead us to open our hearts & minds to connecting with those around us in deeper ways, & even those we have never met.  It can encourage us to reach out to the vulnerable & marginalized. Faith can heal broken hearts & bring joy & peace to the world. 

It takes faith to see the world differently, to believe that better things are possible, & to take action when we don’t know the result.  Faith can give us the strength to keep going even when the odds seem insurmountable. It can empower us to make a difference in the world by our actions & to see the beauty in life.

Having faith can be hard & can often put us out of our comfort zone, but it is absolutely worth it!  Faith can give us courage & strength to make a difference, to look at the world with eyes filled with hope & love, & to help create a better, more just world.  During the hard times remember that all it takes is a tiny amount of faith to make a difference, so if all you have at the moment is a tiny amount, that is enough!  Matthew 17:20 says, “He answered, “Because of your little faith [your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God]; for I assure you and most solemnly say to you, if you have [living] faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and [if it is God’s will] it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”

What Would Jesus Do?

Many of us remember the popular “What Would Jesus Do” movement of the 1990’s.  For a while, many people wore jewelry or clothing with “WWJD?” on it.  What most people don’t know is that this phrase originally came into existence about 100 years before.

The wonderful book “In His Steps” by author Charles Sheldon was written in the late 1890’s, & was the origin of the phrase.  It’s a fictional story, but an excellent & very realistic & believable one.  The story is based on what happens when a small town pastor challenges his congregation to do nothing without first asking themselves, “What would Jesus do?” for an entire year, then do what they believe Jesus would do in their situation.  Several members of the congregation pledge to do this.  A newspaper editor decides to skip printing the Sunday edition of his paper, another man working for the railroad discovers fraud & leaves his job, & other similar things take place.  People also begin to help each other, such as an heiress helps the newspaper since it began to struggle financially after ending the Sunday printings. 

If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it!  It’s so inspiring!  Or, if you prefer to see the movie, there is one called “WWJD?  What Would Jesus Do?” from 2010 that is a wonderful modernized adaptation!  In looking up the movie’s year, I also learned it has a sequel from 2014 called, “What Would Jesus Do?  WWJD The Journey Continues.”   And, there is a sequel to the book called, “Jesus Is Here”, also written by Charles Sheldon.

The reason I recommend this book & movie is because they are so inspiring!  I think any Christian would do themselves a big favor by reading the book or at least watching the movie.  Even knowing it’s a fictional story, it’s so realistic you easily can imagine these things happening in real life.  It’s impossible not to be inspired by that!

The characters also are very realistic & convicted in their faith.  You can’t help but to want to be more like them, living fearlessly as a great example of your faith.

Usually I don’t recommend books or movies much, but these are different.  Obviously I can’t say they’re as inspiring as the Bible is, but they are very inspiring nonetheless.  They help stir up my faith & that is something we all need sometimes.  I believe they could benefit others as they have me.  After a period of dealing with some pretty painful things, my faith was a bit stagnant recently.  Not that I lost faith in God, of course.  I think I was just mired down in the negativity of what I had faced.  Watching the WWJD movie helped stir my faith back up, & get me back on track.

Even if you aren’t interested in reading the book or watching the movie, I would like to encourage you today to do as the characters in the stories pledged to do.  Before making decisions, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” then do what you believe that He would do if He was in your position.  Asking yourself this question really causes you to think about things more seriously, & consider other people more as well.  It causes you to make wiser decisions that benefit yourself & to treat other people with love & respect.

My New Shop On Facebook Is Open!

I have just created a shop on Facebook! Most of my books are currently available for purchase in there, & soon all will be. I opened it to make a central location where all of my books can be purchased, & is easy to find. Each link on the books takes you to a universal link, showing you all places where it is available for purchase.

My shop is connected to my business page, The Butterfly Project, which is why my name doesn’t appear on the shop, just FYI.

I hope you like the shop! Come check it out at the link below:

https://www.facebook.com/TheButterflyProjectMD/shop/?referral_code=page_shop_tab&preview=1

You Matter!

Since my readers & followers consist primarily of people who have survived narcissistic abuse as I have, I naturally try to provide information to help either in dealing with narcissists, going no contact or healing from narcissistic abuse.  Simple encouragement, however, doesn’t happen all that often, & that is wrong on my part.  Everyone needs encouragement sometimes, & that is what I want to do today.

Victims of narcissistic abuse usually don’t realize their true worth & value.  How could they when narcissists do their level best to make sure their victims’ self esteem is utterly destroyed?  When a narcissist reminds you constantly about all of your faults, even ones you really don’t have, maintaining any sense of self esteem is nearly impossible.  So today, I just want you to know that no matter what a narcissist has told you, you matter.

You may think God made mistakes when He made you, but He certainly didn’t!  He made you as He did for valid reasons!  Ephesians 2:10 in the Good News Bible says, “God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do.”  And, Psalm 139:16 says, “you saw me before I was born.  The days allotted to me. had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.”  Clearly, God knew what He was doing when He made you, so obviously you mean so much to Him.

You may think no one would notice if you just disappeared from the lives of the people you love, but that isn’t true.  They would miss you & be devastated if you were no longer a part of their lives.  You fill a special place in their lives that no one else but you ever could fill.  You matter a great deal to them.

You may think the man or woman you love needs you to be low maintenance, to avoid “bothering” this person with your needs, wants or feelings, but that isn’t true.  Someone who truly loves you wants to know all about your needs, wants & feelings.  And, believe it or not, they will be happy to do things for you.  This person is with you because they don’t love anyone like they love you, & they want to share their life with you.  You matter so much to this person.

If you have children, you are of the utmost importance to them.  Children love their parents automatically.  I’m sure you have made mistakes raising your children & think that makes you an awful parent, but you’re wrong.  All parents make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with that so long as you apologize & make things right to the best of your ability.  You taking care of your children, showing them love & protecting them makes you a wonderful parent, & you children love you.  You matter more to them than you realize.

If you have pets, I can promise that you matter a great deal to your pets too.  Animals may offer unconditional love, but even so, they aren’t happy with people who dislike them or mistreat them.  If your pet greets you when you come home, snuggles up to you while you watch tv or sleep, or just generally wants to be in your space, those are just some of the signs that say you matter a great deal to your baby.

Today, just remember that no matter what any terrible, cruel narcissist has said, you matter.  You matter much more than you know to those people in your life.  You aren’t whatever the narcissist told you that you were.  They only said such things as a way to hurt you.  In fact, what narcissists criticize most is what they are the most envious of in their victims.  They criticize those things to make their victims feel those special things about them aren’t really special, not because they mean what they are saying.  They know they are lying, even though they won’t admit it.  Just remember that, & give their lies no credibility. 

Starting today, please start reminding yourself often that you matter, because you truly do matter!  And while you’re at it, ask God to show you that you matter.  He will be more than happy to do so!

25% Off Sale On All Of My Ebooks & 15% Off Sale On All Of My Print Books!!

My ebooks are going on sale for the entire month of July! From July 1-31, 2022, all of my ebooks will be 25% off! The discount is applied automatically at checkout, so there are no coupon codes necessary. If you have wanted any of my books, this is a great time to grab them cheap!

My ebooks can be found at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

If you prefer print books, you can get 15% off of them by adding code HUSTLE15 at checkout. This sale ends July 1, 2022. My print books can be found at the link below…

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

God Plans Our Lives With Love

There is no denying that live can be exceedingly difficult sometimes. My readers know this as well if not better than anyone due to experiences with narcissists. This can make anyone wonder where was God during the abuse? Did He even care about what was happening to me? Does He really love me? The answers are He was right with you, He did care & was deeply upset about it & yes, He absolutely loves you!

I was considering writing my own post on this topic but found this one on an amazing blog that explains this topic much better than I can. I decided to share that post instead, & I hope it blesses you tremendously! The link to the post is below.

I did want to say one thing though… for years now, Romans 8:28 has helped me during the especially tough times & I think it may help you as well…

And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.

Romans 8:28 AMP

https://biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com/2022/01/13/gods-plan-for-a-purpose-of-love/

Year End Sale On ALL Of My Ebooks!

From December 17, 2021 until January 1, 2022, my publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks. If you’ve been wanting to read any of them, it’s a great time to buy. Simply go to my author page on my publisher’s site at the link below. The coupon will be applied automatically at checkout.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

About My Print Books

I recently received an email from my print book publisher. There are difficulties with supply chain delays, so they recommend customers expect to receive their books in at least 3 weeks. Usually, the time is much shorter.

I was thinking about this & how it can affect my readers, I had some thoughts.

• Ebooks are cheaper, easier to hide from abusers, & are ready for reading the moment they are purchased. They’re a great option if money is tight, you live with your abuser, don’t want him or her to know you’re reading such material, &/or are in a rush to read a book. I urge you to consider buying the ebook version of my books rather than print if you are in such situations. They can be found at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug
• If you still prefer the print copy, you have two options:
  • If you’re not in a hurry, you can simply order from my website as normal. Just be prepared for possible delays. They can be ordered at the following link: https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug
  • I always have copies of most of my books to have available for anyone who would like to buy them directly from me. I can sell & ship them myself at a slightly lower price than my publisher because as the author, I get a discount on my books. I also can ship via media mail (slow but cheap) or priority mail (fast but more expensive), buyer’s choice. Simply contact me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com & let me know what book(s) you would like. I’ll figure out your price & get back to you asap. I also added this information to my website so it’ll be readily available & easier to find than this blog post. Just visit my site at any time at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug,com

Thank you for your patience & understanding! It is very appreciated!!

Valuable Knowledge For Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

At the time I’m writing this, it is October 27, 2021.  Four years ago at this time, my father’s funeral was taking place.  I remember the day well & following is why.  I believe what I learned that day can help those of you who follow my work, so I’d like to share my story with you.

Years before my father died, he gave me a Bible I’d given him as a gift years before.  He said he wanted me to be sure it was in the casket with him when he died.  For a long time, it sat on a shelf in a closet, sadly waiting for that day.  Shortly after he died in October, 2017, I remembered that Bible.  Although we were no contact at the time of his death, I knew I had to honor my word & be sure that Bible was in his casket.  Before the funeral, my husband & I went to the funeral home & spoke to a very lovely lady who told me she’d be sure it was in the casket where no one could see it, then prayed over my husband & I.  Something else very interesting happened at that time though.

Prior to giving the Bible to the funeral home, I thought I should check inside it.  My father kept things everywhere, so maybe he had things stored in the Bible.  Turned out he did.  I found receipts, greeting cards & notes in there.  Upon removing these items, I realized the notes spoke about the abuse my mother forced upon me in my childhood.  I put everything aside because I knew I wasn’t able to handle whatever was said in those notes.  I tried not to think of them because I was so upset about not only his passing but my abusive & horrible family’s behavior at that time & knew I couldn’t handle the content of those notes just yet.

The day of my father’s funeral, I decided to read those notes & was stunned with what I learned.  I knew my father didn’t know all of the abuse from my mother, but the notes showed me he knew far more than I realized.  I became angry, because he knew quite a bit, but did nothing to help me.

A bit later that same day, I was doing some housework.  I told my Amazon Echo Dot to play music by Wham!  I thought fun 80’s music could be a distraction from the sadness of the day & anger.  Interestingly though, rather than playing what I asked her to, she said, “Here’s music by Waylon Jennings…” & immediately played “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line.”  I was shocked because she never misunderstood me.  I love Waylon Jennings’ music, as did my father, so I figured let it go.  Oddly I didn’t know that song.  I thought I’d heard all of his music, & learned I was wrong.  I stopped what I was doing to listen to it & was stunned with what happened.

If you don’t know, “Only Daddy That’ll Walk The Line” is about a man married to an awful wife, yet he stays with her in spite of being fed up.  As I listened to the song, I knew in my heart that song was basically God saying, “This is how your father felt.”  Not making excuses for his behavior or saying anything like “forgive & forget because..” or, “You can’t be mad, because….”  This was simply an explanation as to why my father failed to protect me from my mother.  While that made me angry at my father for failing to realize he could’ve protected me, it also gave me some peace.  For so long I wondered why my father let my mother treat me so badly.  I finally had an answer.

For those of you who have also been abused by a narcissist, if you have the opportunity to learn why a narcissist abused you, or why your other parent failed to protect you better from your narcissistic parent, I would encourage you to learn all you can.  Learning the reason for the abuse or the failure to protect you obviously doesn’t make everything ok.  It probably is going to make you angry.  But, it also may help you to realize that the abuse truly had nothing to do with you.  Yes, you were the victim of some very unfair & horrible treatment, but that doesn’t mean that you deserved it!  It means that your abuser was pretty messed up to think it’s ok to treat you that way.  It also means anyone who thinks that treatment of you is ok or failed to help or protect you is just as messed up as the narcissist.  This knowledge is priceless!  It’s also so freeing!  The truth really does set you free!  It may not miraculously deliver you from all damage done, but it sure will help you if you’re struggling with thoughts like what you did to deserve the abuse or make the narcissist treat you so badly. No one who has been abused should have to deal with such thoughts.

Print Book Sale!!

From now until October 22, 2021, my publisher is offering a sale on all print books. Simply use code SPOOKY15 at checkout & get 15% off your purchase.

Visit the link below to see my print books:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

25% Off My Ebooks Until July 31, 2021 & 10% Off My Print Books Until July 23, 2021

The month long sale on my ebooks is still going, but will be ending at the end of this month. Don’t forget to check it out. Click the link below to see all of my ebooks..

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Or, if you prefer print books, you can use code CREATOR10 at checkout until July 23, 2021. Click the link below to see my print books…

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

My Print Books Are 15% Off For A Limited Time

My publisher is having another sale on all of my print books. Use code SELL15 at checkout & get 15% off until April 23 , 2021

Books are available at the link below:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Another Sale On My Ebooks!

From March 20-April 20, 2020, all my ebooks are 30% off.  They can be found at this link:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Having A Healthy Perspective

If you have survived narcissistic abuse, then you know how badly it can mess with your mind.  One thing it does is it can skew a person’s perspective in all kinds of ways.  It can leave a person feeling badly about themselves, such as believing they are ugly or stupid when nothing could be further from the truth.  It also can make a person overly pessimistic, because he or she has had so many bad things happen to them.  Or, it can turn a person overly optimistic, because either he or she has decided not to be so negative like the narcissist who abused them or he or she is  trying so hard to distance from the abuse in every possible way.

In any case, neither being too pessimistic or optimistic is good.  Pessimists are often depressed because they only see the bad things in life & expect only bad things to happen.  Optimists are often depressed, too, because they constantly expect good things to happen.  When something happens that isn’t so good, they are shocked & saddened.

Being realistic yet slightly optimistic seems to be the healthiest way to think, in my opinion anyway.  You accept things as they are, whether good or bad, & if there is a way to glean good from it, you do it.

It can be tricky to get your thinking more balanced after being so out of balance for a long time, but it is still possible.  It takes time, patience, understanding with yourself, focus & help from God.

Prayer truly is the best place to start.  Ask God for whatever it is you need, such as helping you to be more aware of unhealthy thoughts so you can change them.

I recommend too, focusing on God.  If your relationship with Him isn’t particularly close, then work on it.  Drawing close to your Heavenly Father really helps to bring comfort, peace & joy.

Also try to focus on what you think about.  Many times, people just think things & don’t even realize what they are thinking about.  Slow your thoughts down & pay attention to the things that cross your mind.  Acknowledge them & accept them without judgment.

Question those thoughts, too.  Is it possible that your expectations of this person/situation are unrealistic?  Ok, so this situation is pretty bad.. is there something good that you can take away from it?

If you tend to think too emotionally, then try to interject some logic into your thoughts.  If you have trouble doing this, try imagining your situation not as yours, but as that of a friend who has come to you with this situation, looking for advice or comfort.  How would you feel about it as an outsider?  What would you think of your friend’s feelings?  Thinking this way can help to detach you some emotionally so you can look at situations more objectively.

Although it may take some time, you can learn to have a healthier perspective on life.  It will be well worth your time & energy when you are a happier & more peaceful person.

My Ebooks Are On Sale

From March 3-9, 2019, my publisher is having a sale!  All of my ebooks will be 25% off.

Come check it out at: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

A Really Amazing Story To Encourage Your Faith

Recently, hubby & I have been looking into changing our car & homeowner’s insurance company to a place where we can get a fairer rate.  We found it, I’m very happy to say!  It also got me thinking of something I haven’t shared in a while…

Some of you know, my beautiful ’69 Fury once belonged to my wonderful granddad.  He gave the car to my father in 1976 when his car was stolen.  In 1979, the transmission & rear end were going out, & he didn’t want the expense of replacing them both.  My father sold the car to a local junkyard instead.  I was only 8, & still remember the day this happened.  My mother followed him in her car to the junkyard.  He talked with the guy there briefly, & gave him the keys.  Then he got into my mother’s car & we drove off to pick up his next car from the dealer.  I remember staring out the window, watching the Fury get smaller & smaller in the distance.  I’ve always loved cars, & for some reason, that one in particular, so it made me sad.  My father even gave me a spare set of keys that I kept for years.. possibly they’re still in my parents’ house, I don’t know.

Anyway in 2005, my husband & I went to a local flea market.  After parking, as we crossed the parking area, we saw this gorgeous green 1969 Fury!  I was excited & told him it looked just like my father’s & granddad’s!  My husband said, “Why don’t you leave a note on the car?  Maybe the owner wants to sell.”  On a whim, I did.  A couple of days later, the owner called me & said he was considering selling the car for about 2 weeks.  He sold me this beautiful car.

Shortly after, my father came by my house.  He looked at the car & said, “This is my car!  I remember this bit of silicone on the windshield trim.. I never could get rid of that.  There’s that dent in the back bumper where a guy on a motorcycle rear ended me!”  I thought that is impossible.  His car had to be crushed years ago.  Still, it’s very interesting…the same exact dent in the bumper?  Silicone on the chrome in the same place?  And, come to think of it, the keys the seller gave me said “Taylor” on them like my father’s keys did.  They weren’t the original Plymouth keys, but copies.  It got him & I both thinking.

After going home, my father called me.  He found the maintenance records he had for his cars.  Although he got rid of the ones for his Fury, he still had the VIN that he wrote down when he had the car during the latter part of the 1970’s.  I compared it to the VIN on my car.  It was an exact match!!!  I was the proud owner not of a twin to my father & granddad’s car as I expected, but their exact car!  Check this out.. the above VIN is what my father wrote down in the 1970’s.  The bottom is the VIN off my car that I wrote down…

I know a lot of people who read my work probably aren’t car buffs like I am.  But, I do believe many of you can appreciate this story anyway.  This amazing car is such a wonderful display of God’s kindness & love!  Getting this beautiful car is not something I ever expected to happen.  It never even crossed my mind.  It crossed God’s though.  He was working on this back in 1979 apparently.  The guy at the junkyard easily could have simply crushed the car, but he didn’t.  He repaired the transmission & rear end.  In fact, in 1990 I remember seeing the car at a traffic light, & wondering if that was the same car I had known.  Apparently one former owner also had engine work done, so the engine is in fantastic shape.  The car was also painted & the interior reupholstered.  I not only got the same car, I got the same car in great condition!

If God could orchestrate all of this just to get this car to me & in such great shape, I think that is proof of how incredible He is!  I mean, this plan was in place for 26 years, & all just because I always loved this car.  Isn’t that mind blowing?!  And, the Bible says in Acts 10:34 that God doesn’t show partiality, so this means if He can do something so amazing for me, He can do something amazing for you, too.  xoxo

Making Healthy Changes In Your Relationship With Your Narcissistic Parent

One year ago tomorrow, it’ll be one year since having that huge argument with my parents.  That means it’s also been a year since speaking to my mother, & almost five months since speaking to my father.  My mother stopped speaking to me after that argument but my father didn’t.  He called less & less frequently as time passed, & the calls were much shorter, but he kept the door open with me.

I’ve prayed a LOT about the situation this past year.  I felt God wanted me to pull away from my parents yet not tell them I want them out of my life.  So, I didn’t contact my mother, send her cards or anything.  I also haven’t sent my father any cards or called him, but I did take some of his calls & allowed him to visit me last December.  Also during this year, God has shown me via dreams & opening my eyes just how selfish & dangerous my father really is.  That visit in December really was eye opening for me.  My father told me when he was coming to my home, & what we were doing while he was here.  That on top of all of the other things that have happened made me pull away even further from him to the point I stopped taking his calls all together, & blocked my parents’ phone number.

Apparently this was an issue for my father.  He sent several people after me to tell me I needed to call him asap.  Thank God, in spite of the nasty old, dysfunctional feelings of needing to do as my parents say, God enabled me to resist contacting him.

My point in sharing this story with you, Dear Readers, is to give you hope.

When you have narcissistic parents, then learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you realize you need to make changes & it can be scary.  You’re going against your parents, which is intimidating!  They’ve trained you your entire life to be a certain way or face dire consequences.  Even as an adult, the consequences still can be scary.

You may even feel you need to go no contact with them, which is even more intimidating.  Doing it may feel impossible to you, but I can tell you it is possible.

Whichever you are planning on doing- changing your behavior yet staying in a relationship or going no contact- you can do it!

You need to begin in prayer.  Ask God to show you what to do, how to do it & enable you to do whatever you need to do.

Start small.. start setting small boundaries, such as not answering the phone every time your narcissistic parent calls.  When the phone rings, pray first.  Ask God if He thinks you are able to handle the call or not, & listen to what He says.

Say “no” to your parent sometimes.  Your parent will hate it, of course, but do it anyway.  Say no to small things at first, then bigger things.  An example is if your parent wants you to come by Friday, say no- Sunday would work better for you.  It’s small, sure, but it’s taking back a little power.

If your parent insists on driving when you get together, you say you’ll meet them there & drive your own car.  If need be, arrange to have something else to do after seeing them so you have a legitimate reason (in your parent’s eyes) to drive yourself.   This is another small way to take back some power.

Small gestures like this are a great place to start- they worked wonders for me.  Seeing I could take back some power & set some boundaries gave me strength.  It made me realize I really didn’t have to settle for being abused constantly.  And, as time wore on, I set more & more boundaries.

This behavior naturally pushes away narcissists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing!  I knew I wanted to go no contact quite some time before it happened, but it never felt right to tell my parents that.  Being healthier naturally pushed them away which put us in a low contact state that I could tolerate.  It also showed me just how abusive & dysfunctional they are because they can’t respect my boundaries.  Normal people, if they dislike a boundary, they still respect it.  Narcissists aren’t normal though.  They try to get you to change your boundary, pout or get passive/aggressive when they are faced with a boundary they don’t like.  Seeing my father’s behavior when I set boundaries with him was quite eye opening.  For example, after our argument, he tried calling me non stop for days.  When I didn’t take his calls, he called so early one morning I was still asleep!  I thought I was dreaming about answering a phone until I heard his voice & woke up quickly.  He said “he” just wanted to talk to me & “he” wanted to hear my voice & “he” thought this & “he” felt that.  When you see something like this, it’s impossible to deny someone is abusive & manipulative.  It can be very good seeing such things, because it gives you strength to either set more boundaries or to go low or no contact

I’m telling you, Dear Reader, these things work.  They are a fantastic place to start making healthy changes in your life & relationship with your narcissistic parent.  Try them, & see for yourself!

To Heal It, You Have To Feel It

So many of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse are simply tired.  Tired after years of walking on eggshells & trying to please the unpleasable.  Tired because the experience gave us C-PTSD or PTSD, which are both exhausting disorders for many reasons.  Tired of working so hard, trying to heal & feel normal for once.  It’d be so nice if we could just forget what has happened.  Put it away like an unloved Christmas present from the mother in-law somewhere in the back of a closet where it wouldn’t see the light of day again.

 

Unfortunately though, that is completely unrealistic.

 

If you want to heal from any traumatic situation, you have to deal with it completely.  This means to heal, you have to feel.  Feel what, you ask?  Feel the anger or the hurt.  Get angry.  Cry.  Scream.  Cuss.

 

Sounds wrong, doesn’t it?  That is partly because narcissistic mothers shame their children for having any emotions, society shames victims for not “getting over it” immediately & the church often shames people for not “forgiving & forgetting.”

 

Dear Reader, I’ve been working on healing from narcissistic abuse since 2000.  I bought into those lies for too long.  I ignored the gentle promptings in my heart from God saying it’s OK to feel my emotions.  I tried forgiving & forgetting.  I tried getting angry & just couldn’t do it- I was afraid of getting angry & losing control.  I also could hear my mother’s voice in my head scolding me for having “that Bailey temper.”   I couldn’t even cry or grieve because I thought I was feeling sorry for myself & needed to pick myself up by my bootstraps & get over it.  And, I was miserable.

 

I ignored God’s promptings for years until early last year.  After nearly dying from carbon monoxide poisoning & suffering a concussion when I passed out from the CMP, I changed.  Both of these things can change one’s personality, so it’s not a surprise that happened to me.  I was surprised how I changed though.  I suddenly was less able to control my emotions.  I had no choice but to feel angry or sad or happy or whatever.  And you know what?  It’s been a blessing!!

 

I have been able to heal more since that happened than in the many years prior.  Feeling things has enabled me to release those emotions.  It’s enabled me to purge myself of the yukky emotions buried inside of me & heal.  It’s much like healing an infected wound.  You can slap a bandage on it, but that won’t heal it.  The wound has to bleed to get the germs & infection out first, then it can heal.

 

Another bonus of feeling my emotions has been I’ve learned how to make anger work in my favor.  My mother couldn’t stand me to be angry, even simple frustration was a problem for her, so she would shame me if I displayed even mild irritation.  As a result, I learned early to stuff anger deep down inside, & carried this dysfunctional behavior into my adulthood.  Now, I no longer do that.  I feel the anger, & when it is a righteous anger (such as when she is hateful to me), I let it give me the strength to set boundaries, walk away or even call her out on her bad behavior.  Righteous anger truly is a good thing for giving you strength & motivation to make changes!

 

Dear Reader, don’t wait until something life altering happens- decide today that you are going to feel your feelings so you can heal.  Give yourself permission to do so.  Talk to someone safe & trusted about how you feel.  Also, you can try the chair technique, where you place an empty chair in front of you, pretend your abuser is in it, & yell, scream, cry or whatever you want to do to vent your feelings.  If you don’t feel comfortable verbalizing them, then write them down somewhere safe from prying eyes.  You can pray silently too- God certainly will listen!

 

And, when you’re feeling your feelings, get it all out!  Don’t worry if your language is bad.  Do you think God’s never heard those words before?!  He gets that you are that hurt, angry or frustrated!  It’s much better to get that ugliness out of you than let it fester inside of you.

 

Please remember, to heal it, you have to feel it.  You can do this!  I know it’s scary at first, but do it anyway.  Ask God to give you the strength & courage to face those ugly, scary, traumatic things head on so you can heal from them.  Once you do this, those awful memories will feel more like a bad dream than something you’ve actually lived through.  That is how you know that event has lost its hold over you.

Abuse Doesn’t Always Leave Bruises

Since writing my newest book, I have been feeling more of a pull to help those who don’t know why certain people in their lives treat them so badly.

I used to wonder why my mother treated me so poorly.  I felt as if I was a bother & huge disappointment to her, & like I should stay invisible until she needed me for something.  My ex husband said she treated me badly, but once we were married he treated me the same way.  Both wanted to control me- how I looked, what work I did, who I spent time with, even what kind of car I owned.

I never thought of this as abusive.  Not right, sure, but abuse left bruises.  If they didn’t leave bruises or broken bones, it couldn’t be abuse, right?  Wrong.

Abuse comes in many forms.  Most everyone knows about physical abuse- when someone causes physical harm to another person.  But, did you know physical abuse doesn’t have to cause injuries?  It is also physical abuse to be threatening (such as punching walls), refusing to allow someone to leave, or driving recklessly.

There is also sexual abuse.  Forcing intercourse while threatening with a weapon isn’t the only way a person can be raped or sexually abused.  Saying things like, “If you loved me, you would do this for me” is sexual abuse.  Disregard for a partner’s physical or emotional pain & forcing want you want on them through physical means or guilt is sexual abuse.  These are very common examples of sexual abuse that most people do not consider abusive, yet they are.  Behaviors like these leave victims very anxious or depressed, feeling ashamed, guilty & often thinking things like they are being silly since this request isn’t so bad, they should just do what their partner wants & ignore their own needs/feelings/wants or even that there is something deeply wrong with them for not wanting to go along with their partner’s request.  Others who have not experienced this type of abuse don’t understand the damage it can do.  Many people don’t think a husband can rape his wife, so when she tells people that he did, she is treated as if she is crazy.  Sexual abuse is extremely damaging in so many ways.

If you have read much of my work, you know I discuss narcissistic abuse a great deal.  That is because it is extremely common.  Many psychologically abusive people are narcissists.  (psychological abuse includes mental/verbal/emotional abuse).  People who manipulate others, put their needs/wants/feelings/etc. above those of others, who are extremely critical either overtly or more subtly, tell others how to feel, or invalidate you are often narcissistic.  You can read more about narcissistic abuse on my website, http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

Because these kinds of abuse leave no bruises, many victims are told get over it, that it’s no big deal or even doubt that what the victim claims is true.  This leaves victims alone, depressed, & often feeling as if they’re going crazy.  Abuse also can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If you are in one of these situations, please know you’re not alone!  You also aren’t crazy!  If you feel something is wrong, then it is wrong.  Trust your instincts!  Also, pray.  God will show you the truth.  He will show you what is wrong in the situation as well as what you need to do to escape it & to heal.

If you are looking for safe people to talk to,  I have a Facebook group.  The members are kind, caring, supportive & wise.  You’re very welcome to join us if you like.  🙂

Sometimes Out Of Your Biggest Problem Can Come Your Biggest Blessing

Recently, a friend pointed something out to me & she was absolutely right.  Since the fight with my parents in May, I’ve changed.  I’m much freer & enjoying life more.

 

I have to wonder why this is.  I think it may be because I finally realized my own value.  I don’t deserve the things that my parents do to me.  Logically I knew this but the extreme insensitivity of their actions really drove that point home for me during that fight.

 

It’s funny how things can work out.  This very painful, bad event turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I’m shocked, because I was extremely hurt & angry for quite a while after it happened, even wondering if I’d ever come to terms with it.  But, God helped me to do that.  Since I have dealt with my feelings about it though, I have become much happier than I’ve been in a very long time.  I’ve even started being myself for the first time.  Some time back, God told me to research the personality of a wolf, as I share many of their traits.  For the first time, I see those traits in myself.  I’ve also been having a lot of fun & being silly.  I crocheted a small Pennywise (the evil clown from Stephen King’s “IT”) for hubby & have been putting him in strange places around the house to surprise him. Hubby has since started doing the same thing to me.  We’re having fun just playing, & it feels good!  I’ve also almost finished a new book in record time.  I’ve been able to focus more on my writing & have a new fire in me to help those who have been affected by narcissistic abuse & to raise awareness.

 

Romans 8:28 states, “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”  (AMP)  This Scripture is absolutely true!!  The situation I mentioned above is evidence of that.

 

Please be encouraged, Dear Reader.  Whatever you are going through, something good can come from it.  God wastes nothing.  He can bring you blessings even out of your worst hurts.

 

 

Don’t Ignore Your Breakthroughs

Many of us who are healing from narcissistic abuse are more focused on how far we have to go instead of how far we have come in our healing journey.  I think this is because when raised by a narcissistic parent (or two), we learned early on to focus on our flaws.  Being harshly criticized constantly will do that to a person.

 

This is a bad habit though & needs to end!

 

I realized how guilty I am of this behavior just recently.

 

My father called one evening to let me know one of my favorite movies was coming on TV, “Christine.”  He’s never done this before, which struck me odd.  My mother has always been the one to do that.  After only a few moments of conversation, he said “Did you hear that?  The call waiting beeped.  I have to go.”  We said our good byes & hung up.  I realized that he lied about his call waiting- I know because when it’s beeped before when we were on the phone, I always heard a second or two of silence each time it beeped.  This time?  Nothing.

 

I thought about this call after hanging up.  Obviously he’s angry with me.  He’ll never say that since he wants to look like the good parent at all times.  He avoids me instead.  Not a full fledged silent treatment, but when we speak, it’s less frequently & the conversations are much shorter.   That’s why he lied about the call waiting- to get rid of me without blatantly stating he wanted to get rid of me.

 

As for him calling about the movie, that was a first.  Usually my mother calls to let me  know when it’s coming on.  She loves to tell me how “crazy”, “weird” or other nasty things I am for liking it & other Stephen King movies.  “Christine” is a bonus for her because Christine is a ’58 Plymouth Fury.  Since I drive a ’69 Fury, this opens the door for her to insult my car.  They’re too big, ugly, destroy the roads, no one needs a car that big, etc.  For her to pass up all that nastiness, she must still be very angry with me due to our argument on May 5.

 

Rather than being upset like I once would’ve been with my revelations, I found this situation funny (probably inappropriately so).  My parents would rather be wrong, pretend to be right, & act like I’m messed up for not tolerating them being hateful with me than admit they were cruel to me.  And, they’re so passive/aggressive, they won’t try to work things out.  Instead they use immature, silly ways to punish me.  The ridiculousness of the situation struck me funny.

 

God also used this situation to show me something very valuable.  Not so long ago, I would’ve been upset.  I would’ve been enjoying the silent treatment, yet wondering if I should do something.  Should I apologize?  Should I “be the bigger person” & try to work things out?  This time though, those thoughts never even crossed my mind!  Realizing that as well as that I could laugh at the ridiculousness of it all made me see just how far I’ve come.  I’m quite proud  of myself!  I’ve come a long way!

 

I also saw clearly how little I usually celebrate such victories.  Instead, I tend to focus way more on how far I have to go, which is depressing.  That isn’t happening anymore.  I realized the value of having balance, & am working on doing that.

 

Looking at how far you have to go is necessary.  It shows you what you need to work on, & when you get frustrated with being a certain way, you get motivated to change.  However, looking at how far you’ve come is equally valuable.  It helps to encourage you.  You realize that if you could improve that much, then you can continue to improve.  Only looking at how far you have to go discourages you, & only looking at how far you’ve come can make you stagnant.  Maintaining a balance & looking at both is vital to your healing journey being successful, I believe.

 

I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to start focusing just as much on how far you’ve come as you do on how far you have to go.  Try to maintain that healthy balance.  It will bring you more peace & joy, & you deserve that!!  xoxo

 

 

 

 

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness

There are no pretty ribbons or months dedicated to narcissistic abuse awareness or to help comfort or inspire victims.  This seems so wrong to me since narcissistic abuse really is an epidemic.

 

A few months back, I created The Butterfly Project in an attempt to change this.  It hasn’t felt like enough, though.

 

I recently decided to make bracelets that I hope will comfort & inspire victims as well as raise awareness.   I did my best to keep the cost reasonable & quality decent.

 

For more detailed information, click the link below.

http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Narcissistic-Abuse-Awareness-Bracelets.php

God’s Love For You

On this day ten years ago, I was blessed with one of God’s best gifts. My car. Maybe that sounds odd, so just read on- it will make sense.

My granddad had a beautiful 1969 Plymouth Fury when I was born in 1971. Four years later, my father’s car was stolen, & Granddad gave my father this car. In 1979, my father sold the car to a junkyard because he didn’t want to replace the failing transmission & rear end.

In 2005, my father was in the hospital. One Saturday morning, I woke up early, & couldn’t go back to sleep. It was too early for visiting hours, so I suggested to my husband we go to the local flea market, then the hospital.

Once we arrived, I saw a beautiful car at the other end of the parking lot. A green 1969 Fury that looked identical to my granddad’s. My husband suggested I leave a note on the car, saying I’d like to buy it if the seller was interested in selling. I’d never done anything like that before, but decided why not.

The seller did want to sell! He called me two days later. My husband & I met up with him to look at the car better, & decided to buy it. Unfortunately we were refinancing our mortgage so our money was tied up. Thankfully the seller was understanding & patient.

November 23, 2005, I was able to get the car. It was a wonderful day, but things got even better…

My father came by one day to see the car. He said it was his car. I thought he had to be mistaken but he was adamant. Shortly after, he showed back up at my home with an old log book where he had written down maintenance records on some of his cars. He had torn out the pages on the Fury after getting rid of the car, but he had missed the page with the VIN on it. We compared it to the VIN on my Fury, & they were identical! I couldn’t believe it- my car was also Granddad’s car! It was (& still is) a miracle to me that this car is back in my family after 26 years. And, not just any car- my favorite car that either my granddad or my father had. I’ve always loved cars, & there was always something special to me about this one.

I’m telling you this story today, Dear Reader, not only because I love sharing it, but hopefully to inspire you. God is capable of great miracles. All things are possible with God.

God is also very well aware of your deepest desires, even if you aren’t aware of them. I had no idea how much I would love having this car, but God knew & sent her to me. Driving this car is one of the greatest pleasures in my life, & I had no idea until God arranged for me to have her.

God can do the same for you. He can grant you a special blessing too amazing for you to comprehend! Ask Him to bless you! You aren’t being greedy or selfish- you are simply asking Him to do something He wants to do. You will be amazed at what happens!

Some Information About Living With Mental Illness

Society has skewed so many mental health issues badly.

• “I about had a panic attack!” is said when someone was really nervous, with no clue to how awful panic attacks really are.
• Some people think remembering unpleasant things & flashbacks are the same thing.  They fail to realize that during a flashback, it can be almost impossible, or sometimes it is impossible to tell reality from flashback.  You have to fight with every fiber of your being to stay in reality instead of being lost in the awful flashback.
• They even joke about something upsetting giving them Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, dismissing the fact PTSD is caused by extreme trauma.
• Saying “I’m so depressed” when the truth is they are just sad.  The person has no idea how debilitating depression can be.

Ignorant comments such as this along with the lack of compassion for people with genuine mental illness has done much to create a terrible stigma about mental illness.  The mentally ill are thought of as weak, wallowing in the past, stupid & more.  Even some in the medical field are not immune to having  these warped views.

Living with mental illness & putting up with this cruel stigma is not easy!  If you too have a mental illness, I applaud you!  As if the disorder isn’t bad enough, putting up with the ignorance of others makes it even harder.  It can create so much shame in you that you shouldn’t be forced to carry!

My hope is that writing about my experiences with C-PTSD helps to show that just because a person has a mental disorder doesn’t mean they are crazy, stupid, drama queens or even “less than.”  I’m a normal person who happens to have an illness, that is all.  It doesn’t mean I am weak- quite the opposite, as I’ve always been strong. The fact I have C-PTSD means that I’ve been through repeated traumatic experiences, not that I’m weak or feeling sorry for myself.

That is what you are too, Dear Reader.  If you battle mental illness as well, don’t tolerate people making you feel badly about yourself.  You are fine- you just have an illness.  Would you be ashamed of your illness if you had diabetes, cancer or heart disease?  Then why be ashamed of having a mental illness?  Why should mental illness be something to be ashamed of when physical illness is not?

If you’re like many who read my work & have PTSD or C-PTSD stemming from narcissistic abuse, I also want you to know that you are not alone.  I know it can feel that way sometimes, but it’s not true!  Unfortunately, many others have survived narcissistic abuse only to develop PTSD or C-PTSD as a result.  Sadly, they are normal results from abnormal circumstances like narcissistic abuse.  No one escapes narcissistic abuse unscathed.  Anyone who says they are completely fine is lying, especially to themselves.

Help For Dealing With Narcissistic Parents

My parents came by for a visit on Thursday.  I didn’t expect it to be a good one.  My mother is always angry with me, & my father was upset I postponed from last week.  For days,  I prayed & worried.

Wednesday, I suddenly got very angry at the fact that my parents have done so much to me, yet believe they are entitled to come into my home anytime & treat my furbabies & I so nastily in our own home.  Mind you, I’m not particularly good with anger.  Growing up, my mother accused me of having “that Bailey temper”, shaming me, if I was angry or even simply just frustrated. I learned early to ignore anger.  It’s only been recently I’ve been trying to deal with anger in a healthy way.  Even so, it still feels awkward to be angry, so Wednesday was a somewhat difficult day.

I realized something though.  I was gaining confidence.  It really started to sink in that I have a right to be angry about the things they have done & continue to do to me.  That anger gave me the confidence to realize I do NOT have to put up with being abused.  If me having boundaries hurts their feelings, that isn’t my problem.

Shortly before they arrived, I remembered something that also helped me.  Years ago, I stopped speaking to my mother 6 years.  During that time, I had planned to visit my Granddad one Saturday.  The night before, he called & said my parents had just called to say they were coming by on that same day.  He said “If you want to do this another time, I’ll understand.”  I thought about doing that, but said no- I want to see him & if he wants to see me too, then I’ll be there in the morning.  He did so we agreed I’d come by the following morning.   That day of the visit, my mother was shocked to see me there.  (Years before, she had tried to ruin my relationship with my grandparents.  I had stopped speaking to them for several years, & at the time of the visit, only had began visiting him again a few months prior)  She did her best to frazzle me with some of her actions, but instead I let her know they wouldn’t work, much to the delight of Granddad who was quite proud of me that day.  I was proud of myself for handling things so well, too!

Remembering that successful event & being angry both helped me to stay strong when my parents came by & successfully, for the first time, limit the time of their visit!  For the first time, I told them when the visit was over, not them staying in my home until they felt like leaving!

My point (finally..lol) is these tricks can help you when it comes to dealing with your narcissistic mother as well.  I know many Christians think anger is from the devil or you’re a terrible person to feel anger, but I completely disagree!  Anger is a normal emotion & it is from God.  Yes, forgiveness is a wonderful thing & should be practiced regularly.  However, anger has its place too.  A righteous anger at injustice is a wonderful motivator for change.  What is the difference?  Being angry at the unfairness of being abused & being angry because you know you have done nothing to deserve abuse, those are examples of righteous anger.  Me being angry because my parents have abused me & think they still have to right to do so is also righteous anger.  God stirred that anger up in me for a reason on Wednesday- to help me be strong & able to set boundaries with my narcissistic parents the next day.

And, God also reminded me of a very successful interaction I’d had with my parents, which was extremely helpful as well.  Remembering how well that previous episode had gone helped me to see that yes, I could be strong.  Yes, I could handle things well.  Yes, I could even be composed when angry.  I could do it!

Dear Reader, what God did for me, He can do for you as well.  I prayed & asked friends to pray for me to have strength for this visit, & God certainly did not disappoint.  I would like to encourage you too, to think on similar things in your life.  Gain courage from your successes, & hold onto that righteous anger!  If you are having trouble, ask God to help you.  He truly will!

You, Too, Can Be Broken Yet Beautiful

Many of you know this story I shared several months ago that explains my love of butterflies.  So keep it in mind as you read this post.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in my living room when I looked out the big window to see a lovely yellow swallowtail butterfly fluttering around the tall plants outside the window.  Naturally it made me happy, as butterflies always remind me of my granddad, who I adore & still miss even though he’s been gone for 12 years now.  I kept watching the butterfly & realized something looked different.  I took a bunch of pictures from inside the house (was afraid if I went outside, it’d spook him away) & in the pictures, I could see the butterfly had a damaged wing.  A few more pictures revealed the other wing was also very damaged.  I was stunned!  The butterfly flew so much like any other butterfly, it was hard to notice there was a problem.  And, I realized that this butterfly was just as beautiful as his counterparts whose wings were whole.  Actually, to me, he was even more beautiful since he carried on in spite of his injuries.

I’ve been thinking of this butterfly off & on since that day.  Butterflies inspire me, as you can tell.  In fact, I created The Butterfly Project as a result of the inspiration.  (Please check it out.  I believe it will bless you.)

That butterfly was such a wonderful reminder that in spite of damage, one can still be beautiful.  This turned my mind to other victims of maternal narcissism.  So many of us feel ugly because we were told we were ugly.  Ugly inside & out.  That is not the truth though!  The only ugly person is the one who abuses other people, especially her own child.  You are not ugly, Dear Reader, in any way!  Your narcissistic mother was dead wrong about that!

Also, the butterfly with the damaged wings was still able to function.  Yes, he flew a little differently than others, but different doesn’t equal bad.  The same thing goes for you, Dear Reader.  You may be a bit different because of having survived narcissistic abuse, but that doesn’t mean you are bad.  It simply means that you, like that butterfly, survived something that was meant to destroy you.

Here are some pictures of my precious butterfly visitor that day for you to enjoy…

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