Suggestions For Managing Triggers

Anyone who has been through trauma is familiar with triggers.  Triggers are anything that reminds you of trauma or prompts a flashback.  They can be as obvious as seeing your abuser or they can be more subtle like hearing a song your abuser listened to often.  Whatever the trigger is doesn’t really matter.  What matters is how you cope with them.  Today we are going to discuss some helpful tips in managing the painful emotions associated with triggers.  These tips also help when suffering flashbacks.

Grounding techniques are helpful for dealing with flashbacks but also with triggers.  Grounding involves focusing on something else other than the flashback or trigger.  To do this, you need to involve your senses.  I find it especially helpful to use things that are very obvious, such as the smell of lavender or touching a very coarse or soft fabric.  When something is so obvious, it kind of hijacks the senses, & demands your focus.  This is particularly useful during flashbacks since they tend to want to override your reality. 

Move!  The simple act of moving your body can shift your body’s physical response to triggers & enable you to deal with them emotionally.  You don’t have to go for a jog or ride a skateboard.  Simply walking around or even looking at your surroundings can be enough to help. 

Remind yourself of what is happening to you.  Remind yourself that you are safe.  You are simply being reminded of something that was traumatic.  That doesn’t mean you are in any danger.  The trigger is a normal part of being traumatized or abused, & there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing it. 

Snuggle your beloved pet.  Animals are the BEST!  They offer unconditional love, companionship, entertainment & more.  They are also wonderful for helping during darker times such as during flashbacks & triggers.  If you are experiencing this pain, snuggle your furbaby & let them help you.  There can be so much comfort in this!  In fact, did you know that there is healing in cat purrs?  It’s true!  The sound is known to release endorphins not only in cats but in humans as well.  This means a purring kitty can help you to lower your stress level & even lower your blood pressure!  Cats truly are magical!

Don’t judge yourself for being triggered.  It can be hard not to do this sometimes, but it is important not to judge yourself when triggered.  It only adds to your frustration & even shame, & there is no point in it!  Instead, accept that they are a normal part of life after trauma.

Don’t try to avoid triggers.  As tempting as it may be to try to avoid triggers, doing so isn’t healthy.  For one thing, it’s very frustrating since avoiding them completely is impossible.  For another, avoiding them doesn’t help you to heal.  If you look at triggers as a sign you need healing in specific areas, then focus on healing in those areas, you heal & grow a little more with each trigger you face.  And as an added bonus, the things that once were painful triggers stop hurting so much.  The pain may not entirely disappear, but it at the very least will diminish greatly.  There may be times you need to take a break from emotional healing work & avoid your triggers when possible, but for the sake of your mental health, don’t try to avoid them permanently!

Triggers are a totally normal part of life after trauma, but they don’t have to rule your life.  You can use them to your advantage, & heal & grow from them.

Validating Those With C-PTSD

Many of you who follow my work have the same debilitating disorder as I do, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & I want to offer you some validation today.  I know validation is often hard to come by with C-PTSD, so I’m sure you need it.

Many people who don’t have C-PTSD don’t really even believe it’s a real thing.  They think it’s some made up disorder.  Others think it was caused from being too negative or not “thinking happy thoughts.”  Some people also think we’re weak for being so affected by the abuse that gave us C-PTSD.  This commonly happens among those who also experienced abuse but didn’t develop the disorder. 

There is so much that people who think in these ways don’t realize, yet in spite of their obvious ignorance, they somehow manage to make those of us with C-PTSD feel terrible about having this disorder.  That should not be!  There is no reason to feel badly or even ashamed of yourself for having this disorder, & I’ll tell you why.

C-PTSD is a potentially fatal disorder.  Living daily with crippling anxiety & depression, having frequent nightmares & flashbacks is absolutely miserable.  Even when doing everything possible to heal, almost everyone with C-PTSD lives with at least some of the symptoms for their entire life.  Many people who live with it seriously consider suicide rather than live this way.  And sadly, many of those people go on to end their own lives.  If you keep going in spite of feeling this way, you are strong & courageous!

Many people assume people with C-PTSD are just lazy.  Most of us with C-PTSD push ourselves extremely hard each & every day just to survive.  This takes up almost all of a person’s energy.  Many people with C-PTSD can’t do more than simply survive many days.  Add in normal daily activities such as working, doing laundry, going to the grocery story & more, & by the end of each day, the average person with C-PTSD is exhausted both mentally & physically.  That exhaustion doesn’t mean a person is lazy.  It means a person is struggling with a very real & very difficult mental disorder.  Remember this the next time someone accuses you of being lazy.

Many people think that people with C-PTSD are faking their symptoms as a cry for attention.  This is not even close to accurate.  If we’re faking anything, we are faking being much better off than we really are.  Most people get very uncomfortable when they’re around someone whose symptoms are flaring up, & rather than make people feel that way, most of us try to hide them or distance ourselves from others when that happens.  Other people see us at our best, not our worst, & jump to the conclusion that since they don’t see us waking up screaming from nightmares, having flashbacks,  or crying in the shower, we must be faking having C-PTSD.   They are absolutely wrong though!  No, you are NOT faking C-PTSD.  I believe you!!  If you’re faking anything, it’s being much better off than you really are.

Many people assume if you don’t discuss having C-PTSD often, it can’t be all that bad.  These people couldn’t be more wrong.  Many people are private, & don’t feel comfortable discussing details of such a personal topic as a mental disorder.  Also, many of us with this awful disorder developed it as a direct result of narcissistic abuse.  Narcissists have zero tolerance for the problems of other people, & can be so proficient with their gaslighting, they convince their victims that no one wants to hear about any problem they have or even that they don’t have this problem.  Even after the abuse is over & the narcissist is out of their victim’s life, the victim often continues to gaslight himself or herself without realizing it by thinking no one cares that they have this problem or that they don’t really have a problem at all.  In spite of the overwhelming evidence that they have C-PTSD, they still minimize the symptoms & severity of it or even doubt they have it.  This is normal, & I struggle with this myself more often than I care to admit.  It’s ok to admit you have this disorder to yourself & others.  You don’t have to discuss it non stop of course, but you do have the right discuss whatever you feel comfortable discussing.  And, if you prefer not to discuss it, that doesn’t mean you don’t have it or it isn’t all that bad!  It just means you’re a private person, which is perfectly fine! 

I hope those of you with C-PTSD feel more validated after reading this post.  Living with C-PTSD isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, & you deserve credit for having strength & courage.  You also deserve validation!

Lesser Known Panic Attack Symptoms

As someone with anxiety, I know firsthand how debilitating panic attacks can be.  They can come on suddenly & leave you feeling completely overwhelmed & out of control.  While many people are familiar with the more common symptoms of panic attacks, such as rapid heartbeat & shortness of breath, there are other lesser-known symptoms that can be just as difficult.  Today, we’ll explore some of these lesser-known symptoms & what you can do to manage them.

While most people are aware of some symptoms of panic attacks, such as sweating & trembling, there are other symptoms that are less well-known.  One of these is a heightened acuteness of the senses, which can involve feeling overwhelmed by noise or bright lights.  Sometimes the feeling of being sick, with sweating & chills that can feel similar to having the flu happens too.

Other physical symptoms of panic attacks are muscle tension & trembling.  This can be particularly distressing, as it can make you feel like you are losing control of your body.  To manage this symptom, grounding yourself can be helpful.  Focus on your surroundings & remind yourself this is simply a panic attack.  It doesn’t mean you’re in any sort of danger.

In addition to physical symptoms, panic attacks can also manifest in cognitive symptoms, such as the inability to think clearly.  This can make it difficult to focus or make decisions, which can be particularly problematic if you are in a stressful situation.

Another cognitive symptom of panic attacks is dissociation, which involves feeling like you are not fully in your body.  This can be a scary experience, but it’s important to remember that it is a natural response to stress & anxiety. 

If you find yourself struggling with cognitive symptoms during a panic attack, try grounding techniques.  These involve focusing on your surroundings & using your senses to bring yourself back to the present moment.  Things that are impossible for your senses to ignore can be the most helpful.  Touching a very coarse or soft fabric, holding an ice cube, listening to loud music or smelling a strong scent like lavender are some examples.  Lavender also is known to have calming properties, which is why it’s commonly used in aromatherapy.

Dealing with the symptoms of panic attacks can be challenging, but there are some ways to cope that can be helpful.  One of the most important things you can do is to take care of yourself on a daily basis.  Live a healthy lifestyle, don’t let yourself become too busy & take plenty of time to relax.

Learning what grounding techniques work best for you is helpful too.  Try different ones, & keep things that help you with you at all times.  For example, keep a small vial of lavender essential oil or rough cloth in your pocket.

It’s also important to remember that these symptoms are a natural response to stress & anxiety.  While they feel uncomfortable, they are not harmful & will eventually pass. 

Finally, consider seeking professional help if you are struggling to manage your anxiety on your own.  A therapist or counselor can teach you coping skills & provide support as you work to overcome your anxiety.

Understanding Your Emotional State After Abuse

Living through abuse can be one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.  Abuse victims often experience ongoing trauma, such as growing up with abusive parents & later marrying an abusive man or woman.  This means that they can be left feeling overwhelmed & exhausted by their horrific experiences.  It can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for not being able to “bounce back” quickly.  It’s important to remember that humans were not designed to experience trauma, & it’s completely normal for it to make you feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning.

It’s equally important to be gentle & kind with yourself, but in particular after experiencing trauma.  Always remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to feel traumatized, or even develop PTSD or C-PTSD.  It’s a sign that you are a human being with feelings, & that you have experienced something that is incredibly difficult to process.

I firmly believe that a relationship with God is vital, & invaluable with helping a person to heal after experiencing abuse.  He is so loving & gentle, & gladly will offer you all the comfort you need, guide you in ways to help yourself to heal, give you strength when you feel weak & anything else you need.

There will be times when you don’t function well either mentally or physically after trauma, & that is normal.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak, flawed or crazy.  In fact, it’s a sign of strength that you are still standing & doing your best to manage despite all that you’ve been through!  Don’t be mad at yourself for these times that you may experience, because it will only make you feel worse.  Instead, take a moment to recognize & honor the strength that you have.

In order to heal, it’s important to take the time to fully process your pain.  This can be done through prayer, journaling, talking to a trusted friend, seeking out professional help with someone educated in trauma recovery or a combination of all of these things.  Taking the time to process your pain can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions, which will allow you to move through your trauma in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that healing doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a process that takes a lot of time, often even a lifetime.

It can be difficult to be patient & kind with yourself when you feel overwhelmed & exhausted by trauma. However, always  remember that you are a strong person who is capable of healing with God’s help.  Remind yourself that He is on your side, that you are doing the best you can & that it’s ok to have times when you struggle more than other times.

It also is important to practice good self care. Take some time for yourself often to do things that make you feel good & bring you joy.  This could be anything – taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, reading a book or watching a movie.  Taking the time to focus on yourself & your own needs helps to reduce stress & makes it easier to manage your trauma.

Living through trauma is an incredibly difficult experience & it can be easy to become overwhelmed by the experience. It’s important to remember that humans weren’t designed to experience trauma & it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or have difficulty functioning. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength that you survived something so traumatic. It’s important to be gentle & kind with yourself & to take the time to fully process your pain. By taking care of yourself, you can move through your trauma in a healthier way.

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

Happy Read an Ebook Week! To help you find a book to celebrate, you can find my entire collection at a promotional price at Smashwords from March 3, 2024 – March 9, 2024. Find my books and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/ebookweek #ebookweek24 #Smashwords

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Feeling Emotionally Numb After Trauma Is Normal

As victims of abuse, we often find ourselves struggling to cope with the aftermath of traumatic experiences.  One common & confusing symptom is emotional numbness.  It can be difficult to understand why we feel nothing at all, especially when we know we should be feeling something.  This post will explore the causes of emotional numbness & provide tips on how to cope.

Experiencing trauma is such an emotional experience that it can burn out your emotions, which leads to feeling numb.  Our brains can only handle so much emotion at once, & when we are constantly experiencing intense feelings of fear, sadness, or anger, our brains become overwhelmed, & we shut down emotionally.  This is our brain’s way of protecting us from further emotional harm.  Emotional numbness is a common symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Complex PTSD.

Emotional numbness can also be a result of prolonged emotional abuse. Victims of abuse often learn to shut off their emotions as a way to protect themselves from further harm.  This can lead to a disconnect from their emotions over time.

As a side note, some medications used to treat mental health conditions may cause emotional numbness as a side effect.  It is important to talk to your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing so they can help you adjust your medication or find alternative treatments.

There are signs of emotional numbness.  Following are some of those signs.

Trouble thinking clearly: Victims of trauma may struggle with cognitive function & have trouble focusing & making decisions.

Memory troubles:  Victims of trauma may have difficulty remembering details or events surrounding their trauma.

Over reacting or under reacting:  Victims of trauma may find themselves reacting to situations in an extreme or opposite way to how they would usually react, or they may have little or no reaction.

Have trouble expressing any emotions, whether they’re good or bad:  Victims of trauma may struggle to express their emotions, even those that are typically considered “positive.”

Being indecisive: Victims of trauma may struggle with making decisions & feel paralyzed when faced with choices.

Failing to think much about decisions:  Victims of trauma may avoid making decisions altogether as a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Being unsure about any wants:   Victims of trauma may struggle to know what they want or need, due to a disconnection from their emotions.

Feel disconnected from reality:  Victims of trauma may feel as though they are watching their life from a distance or that they are living in a dream.

While emotional numbness can be a difficult symptom to cope with, there are things you can do to help yourself feel more connected to your emotions. Here are some tips:

Prayer.  Talking to God about your feelings & asking His help too cope will be more helpful than anything.  He is a loving Father, & will be more than happy to help you.

Try journaling: Writing down your thoughts & feelings can help you process your emotions & reconnect with yourself.  Seeing things in writing is a very helpful way to gain clarity on a situation.  Looking back over old entries also will help you to realize how far you’ve come.

Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself physically & emotionally can help you feel more grounded & connected to your emotions. 

Remember that healing takes time, & it is ok, even normal, to feel numb sometimes.  Be patient & gentle with yourself as you work on your healing.

Something I Used To Experience That Was Similar Panic Attacks

Have you experienced panic attacks?  If so, you know just how awful they are.  I learned many years ago that there is something similar to them & equally awful.  Instead of feeling panicked, I felt angry.  My body would tense up, & I would feel tightness in my chest, trembling, & a rapid heart rate.  It happened every time my husband & I were going to see his narcissistic mother.  After a lifetime of suffering narcissistic abuse, I was fed up with the most recent narcissist in my life at the time.  I had no knowledge then of healthy ways to cope or anything about narcissistic abuse though, so I just got angry.  The anger attacks (as I named them) is one way it manifested.  If this happens to you too, you’re not alone, & you’re not crazy!  It’s a sign you have a lot of justifiable anger inside about being abused.  The good news is that there are ways to heal.

The first step in dealing with your anger is acknowledging it.  It’s ok to be angry about being mistreated.  You were not treated fairly, & it’s understandable that you’re angry.  It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, unreasonable or even a failure as a Christian.  You need to feel that anger to free yourself of it.  Prayer is an excellent way to do this, & I highly recommend it.  God understands how you feel.  He’s angry that someone abused you too!  He is always willing to listen & comfort you.  God isn’t going to be surprised, offended or disappointed in you for feeling anger, so just be open with Him about it. You also can pray for strength & guidance on how to handle your anger in a healthy way.  Prayer can also give you peace & comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.

Another way to do this is through journaling.  Write down your thoughts & feelings about what happened to you.  This is a great way to help you process your emotions & gain clarity about how to move forward.

Talking to safe people about your anger also can help you process it.  Find someone you trust, such as a close friend, & talk to them about what happened to you.  They can offer support, validation, & guidance on how to move forward especially if they have been through similar experiences.  

Practicing self-care is essential.  Take time for yourself & do things that make you feel nurtured & happy.  This can include things like participating in your favorite hobby, reading, or listening to music that “speaks” to you.  

Setting boundaries is another essential part of dealing with anger.  It’s important to set boundaries with the people who have abused you to protect yourself from further harm.  This can include limiting your contact with them or cutting them out of your life entirely.  

Don’t tolerate people abusing you!  You deserve so much better than that!  It can be hard not to slip back into old patterns sometimes, tolerating more than you should from people, but as soon as you recognize you’re doing this, change your behavior.  Remind yourself of how far you’ve come & how much you’ve healed, & how you deserve to be treated with love & respect.

The more you do these things, the sooner those anger attacks will go away & the healthier you’ll become.  You also will find that as you heal, your relationships will improve.  Good, healthy people are more drawn to you & the toxic ones keep their distance. 

Take good care of yourself!  I’m praying for you!

Signs Of High Functioning Depression

Depression is not always easy to spot.  People with high functioning depression may appear to be successful & happy on the outside, but inside they are struggling with a constant battle against negative thoughts & emotions.  This type of depression is sometimes referred to as smiling depression, as individuals may appear to be “very together” but are struggling on the inside. 

One of the most common signs of high functioning depression is the need to be constantly busy.  The individual may fill their schedule with work, hobbies, & social events to avoid being alone with their thoughts.  They are trying to avoid their feelings by staying busy.  This person also may feel guilty for taking a break or resting, believing that they are not being productive enough.  However, this constant busyness is exhausting & often leads to burnout. 

Another aspect of this mask of busyness is the constant need to achieve & be productive.  People with high functioning depression may set themselves impossibly high standards & strive for perfection in everything they do.  This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt & self-criticism when they inevitably fall short of their too high expectations.  People who do this believe that their worth is tied to their achievements & productivity, leading to a constant need to prove themselves.

Another sign of high functioning depression is difficulty experiencing joy.  They may feel like they are just going through the motions of life, without any real enjoyment or fulfillment.

People with high functioning depression often have a harsh inner critic.  They may be critical of themselves & others, constantly finding faults & flaws.  This harsh inner critic leads to feelings of inadequacy & a lack of self-worth.  They struggle with making decisions, fearing that they will make the wrong choice or that they are not capable of making the right one, which can lead to analysis paralysis & struggles with making decisions.

The inner critic can also manifest as irritability & a quick temper.  The individual may become easily frustrated with themselves & others, lashing out in anger or becoming withdrawn & silent. 

One of the most insidious aspects of high functioning depression is the mask of perfectionism.  Individuals may appear to have everything together, with a successful career, a loving family, & a busy social life.  However, this mask can be a facade for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy & self-doubt.

People with high functioning depression often struggle with extreme perfectionism, setting impossibly high standards for themselves & striving for perfection in everything they do.  This leads to a constant state of stress & anxiety, as they fear that they will never measure up.  They may struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like they are a fraud & that one day they will be exposed as such.

Despite their outward appearances, people with high functioning depression may struggle with feelings of worthlessness & a lack of purpose.  They may question the meaning of life & their place in the world.

People with high functioning depression sometimes struggle to recognize that they are depressed, as they may believe that depression is only for those who are unable to function in their daily lives.  However, it is important to recognize that high functioning depression is a real & valid condition that can have serious consequences if ignored.  The depression can become much worse over time or other disorders may manifest in addition to the depression, such as eating disorders or substance abuse.

High functioning depression can be difficult to spot, as individuals may appear to be successful & happy on the outside.  However, the signs of this condition are real & should not be ignored. 

10% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Coming Soon – 50% Sale On My Ebooks!!

My ebook publisher is having a big end of year sale. I decided to participate by offering my ebooks at a 50% promotional price from December 15, 2023 – January 1, 2024. There are no coupon codes necessary. The discounted prices will be reflected at checkout.

Find my ebooks on sale at this link: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Forgiveness After Abuse

True, Godly forgiveness is a challenging concept.  Many people seem to have such skewed views of it & those views heap shame onto victims of abuse. 

I remember as a new Christian telling someone I was struggling to forgive my mother for all of the abuse.  That woman said, “I don’t know what your problem is.  God says forgive so I just do it.”   I can’t tell you the shame that made me feel as a new Christian!  She made it sound like I was a terrible person because I hadn’t forgiven & forgotten the years of abuse from my mother.  Sadly, that attitude is fairly common among Christians. 

There are some people who say that by not forgiving your abuser on whatever terms they believe in, you’re giving your abuser power over you.  They are blaming innocent victims for feeling natural human emotions!  It’s so shame inducing!

On the other end of the extreme are people who say you never should forgive your abuser.  They don’t deserve your forgiveness after causing you so much pain & suffering.  If you want to forgive your abuser, such statements make you feel ashamed of yourself for being weak or the abuser’s punching bag.

There are also countless people who think forgiveness equals reconciliation, no matter what they have done.  They believe if you say you’ve forgiven someone, they should be a part of your life.  Ending a relationship, in particular with a family member is inexcusable in their minds, & not having them in your life is proof to them that you’re unforgiving & a bad person.

I don’t believe anyone who says things like this has any grasp on the true concept of forgiveness.

For one thing, making someone feel ashamed for still feeling anger over being abused is just cruel.  Forgiveness shouldn’t be pushed on a victim.  They need time to process their anger fully, otherwise they can’t fully forgive.  Pushing someone to forgive too quickly means they won’t deal with their anger properly & makes them feel shame for not forgiving quickly enough.  Neither are good for anyone.

You also never “gave” your abuser any power over you.  They stole power from you.  Anger because someone cut you off in traffic or a cashier was rude to you are easy to get over quickly.  Abuse is nothing like that.  It doesn’t mean you gave the abuser your power.  It just means it takes time to forgive them for treating you that way.  The good news is God will help you.  In fact, He wants to heal those who have been abused.  Psalm 147:3 in the Amplified Bible says, “He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow].”

For another thing, wanting to forgive an abuser isn’t a bad thing or a sign of weakness.  There are countless Scriptures in the Bible where God commands us to forgive.  He never said, “Forgive anyone except your abuser.”  Wanting to forgive an abuser is a sign of someone who wants to obey God.  They know that forgiveness is something He wants & that when He wants His children to do something, it’s for their best interest.

Lastly, it’s very possible to forgive someone while hating their behavior enough to stay away from them.  You can wish your abuser no harm, even pray for them, yet refuse to allow them into your life because you hate their terrible behavior.  This is Biblical!  Romans 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “Love is to be sincere and active [the real thing—without guile and hypocrisy]. Hate what is evil [detest all ungodliness, do not tolerate wickedness]; hold on tightly to what is good.”  I’ve been accused of being unforgiving & failing to honor my parents many times for severing ties with them. The truth was that I had forgiven them & prayed for them daily, but I also knew they were dangerous to my mental & physical health.  Just because you have nothing to do with an abuser doesn’t mean you’re harboring unforgiveness, & don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!  Having nothing to do with an abuser is simply a healthy boundary.

30% Off All My Print Books!! Big Black Friday Sale!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Stupid Criticisms

For those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse, criticism can be extremely difficult because narcissists are so free & so cruel with their criticisms.  I don’t mean constructive criticism or correction.  That can be uncomfortable, but at least it is tolerable when said gently & to help rather than tear down your self esteem.  Stupid criticisms are a different matter.  They are as their name implies – criticisms that are just stupid.  They are criticisms that have no basis in helping, & are said simply because someone disagrees with you.  If you’re a vegetarian someone who criticizes that choice because they like meat is indulging in stupid criticisms.  Neither choice is bad or wrong, so neither one should be criticized.  Many topics are that way, where there is no right or wrong, just different.  Yet, many people are quick to harshly criticize those who do things differently than they do.

I really believe social media has made this problem much worse than it once was.  On social media, people can say anything to anyone from the safety of their own home, hiding behind their phone or computer.  There are no real repercussions for their behavior, so they feel free to say anything they like.  This behavior carries over into real life.  Sadly, it’s not just narcissists that do it, either.  About anyone can feel free to say stupid criticisms it seems.  It’s not right!

When this happens to you (& it will, unfortunately!), it’s going to hurt you & possibly also trigger very painful memories or even flashbacks.  Rather than react immediately, stop for a moment as soon as you feel the anxiety, hurt or anger start to rise up.  Take a deep breath & let it out slowly to help calm your mind & body.  This also will give you a moment to recognize that you are being triggered, & that this person’s stupid criticisms don’t mean that something is wrong with you.  It also gives you a moment to pray.  Never think saying, “Father God.. HELP!!” isn’t a prayer because it is a very effective one!

If possible, end the conversation immediately.  Say you just remembered you have something important you must do & go.  This isn’t a lie – you did remember something important you must do, & that something is you must take care of yourself!  When you are safely away from this person, engage in whatever self care works best for you & deal with your frazzled emotional state.

If you can’t escape the situation, you can ask the person to explain what they said.  As void of emotion as possible, ask simple questions like, “I don’t understand.  Why do you think I’m wrong (or stupid or whatever they said) simply for thinking differently than you do?”  “Why do you think it’s OK to talk to me that way simply because I like something you don’t?” When people have to explain inappropriate behavior, they become very uncomfortable.  This means they are less likely to repeat that behavior in the future. 

Prayer is so helpful in all situations, including this one.  Tell God how you feel.  He is your father & like any loving father, He wants to be there for you.  Cry or yell or whatever you feel you need to do.  You can’t shock or offend Him.

Also ask Him to show you the root of your reaction.  If you get to the root of the problem & heal that, you won’t be so triggered if this situation happens again.  Yes, this is painful but it is much less painful than continually suffering when this situation arises.

It also helps to remember that some people, even those who aren’t narcissists, can be thoughtless & even cruel with their words sometimes.  Whether their intentions are malicious or not, it happens.  It also has nothing to do with you nor is it a reflection on your character. 

Never, ever forget that God loves you as you are.  He made you the person you are for a reason.  Just because you are different than someone else doesn’t mean you’re bad or wrong.  You simply have a different course for your life than that person has for theirs.

As annoying as stupid criticisms are, they can be handled gracefully & in time, be less upsetting & triggering. 

20% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

My Ebooks Are 25% For Two More Weeks!

Now is your best chance to find my ebook available for 25% off at @Smashwords as part of their Annual Summer/Winter Sale! Find my book and many more at https://www.smashwords.com/shelves/promos/ all month! #SWSale2023 #Smashwords

My books can be found at the link below:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Coping With Trauma Triggers

Triggers are painful things, no matter the cause of the trauma that created them.  Triggers thrust you back to the time you experienced some of the worst pain imaginable.  They can trigger flashbacks, emotional flashbacks, nightmares, extreme panic or anxiety.  The worst part is triggers are everywhere & can come about in the most innocuous sounding things.  Even the scent of a certain perfume or cologne or a certain song coming on the radio can be triggering if the scent or song reminds you of your abuser. 

Since it’s impossible to avoid triggers completely, you need to learn to manage them when you experience them.  It is possible!

First & foremost, when you’re triggered, pray.  Ask God to help you get through this.  He absolutely will!

As they are happening, remember that triggers can’t hurt you.  Yes, they can make you feel pretty awful, but that doesn’t mean they can hurt you.  You’re safe now, in spite of the trigger trying to convince you that you’re not. 

Breathe deeply in & out a few times to calm your mind & body down.  Focus on how your body feels as you breathe.  It sounds really simple but it can calm you down quite a bit.

Focus on grounding yourself, too.  Grounding keeps you focused on the here & now, & helps to minimize or even prevent flashbacks.  To do this, you need to engage your senses.  Use things that are strong & hard to ignore.  Very coarse or soft fabrics, strong scents like lavender or loud music can be very helpful.  Things like these will help your body to focus on those things that are engaging your senses rather than the trigger & how it made you feel.

Moving your body is another good way to ground yourself.  It can help your body to release endorphins & gives your body something to focus on other than the trigger.  So move!  Walk around your house, go outside, take a bath or shower.

Don’t judge your emotions.  Doing so only makes a bad situation worse.  Instead, acknowledge them.  Recognize that this trigger made you feel a certain way, & accept that is ok.  Feeling as you do isn’t some big flaw in you.  It is simply a sign that you have been through something pretty terrible.

Once you feel calmer again, think about what triggered you & why.  Take some time to focus on healing the event that caused this trigger.  The more you do this, the less that trigger will bother you the next time you’re exposed to it.  In this respect, triggers can prove to be beneficial, even though they certainly don’t feel it at the time.

After experiencing a trigger, be especially gentle with yourself.  You have been through a painful ordeal & need to recover from it.  Do some things that make you feel good.  Take a bubble bath, indulge in your favorite herbal tea or coffee, watch a good movie on television, sleep late.  Whatever you do, it’s important that it makes you feel cared for & nurtured. 

If you have someone safe to talk to, discuss what happened with them.  They can offer comfort & validation.  Whether or not you discuss it with anyone, write about the experience in your journal.  It will help you to get it out of you, plus reading over it in the future can be very encouraging.  It will show you how far you have come.

Coming Soon – 25% Sale On My Ebooks!!

I’m excited to announce my ebooks will be promoted on @Smashwords for the month of July as part of their Annual Summer/Winter Sale! Be sure to follow me for more updates and links to the promotion for my books and many more! #SWSale2023 #Smashwords

Find participating books at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Being Angry At Or Ashamed Of The Dysfunctional Person You Once Were

I’ve noticed a very common characteristic among those of us who have been abused.  We’re angry with & embarrassed by the person we were during the abuse & until we learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

It doesn’t seem to matter whether the abuser was a parent or spouse, overt or covert narcissist, or even how old we were when we learned about narcissism.  When we think about who we were during the abuse & often even after it first ended, we cringe.  I know I certainly do.  I now am mortified at how I let people do anything they wanted to me without complaint, & how I obeyed whatever people told me to do because I believed they clearly were much smarter than me about everything, right down to my own life.  That obedience is even why I married my ex husband.  I didn’t marry him out of love.  I started dating him because my mother had told me no man would ever want me, & I believed that.  When he did, I figured I should jump at this opportunity because I’d never have another chance.  I later married him because he said I should & also because he made me feel that I owed it to him because I’d hurt him so badly when I broke up with him a few months prior.  My instincts said it was a huge mistake, but I ignored them.  I thought, he’s smarter than me, he must know best so I should obey him.    On our wedding day I remember thinking, “Eh, how bad could it be?”  So dysfunctional I know, but that is a true story.

For quite some time, looking back on this utterly humiliated me.  I told myself & others I loved him rather than admit the truth of what I was thinking & feeling during our relationship.  I’ve finally admitted that I never loved him, but the other things that happened in my mind at that time angered me at myself badly, & it was too humiliating to admit those things for a long time.  Yet now, here I am, posting it in my blog for anyone in the world to read. 

Getting to this place took years.  In fact, this might be the first time I’ve ever put that in writing anywhere.  Pretty sure I never even wrote it out in my journal.  And just to give you some perspective, my ex & I separated in the mid 1990’s. 

The reason I’m sharing it now is certainly not for fun, but to tell you about something valuable I’ve learned over the years.  There is no reason to be angry with or ashamed of the person you once were & the bad choices you made when you were abused.  That person was subjected to horrific, mind altering, even mind breaking abuse on a regular basis.  It’s only natural that someone in such a situation won’t make the best decisions or decisions that a person who wasn’t abused would make, because of the abuse.  Being gaslit changes how you think, feel & perceive things so that is clearly not a good starting place for good decisions.  Plus, being abused also can change & even injure the brain.  PTSD is a result of trauma being so bad it literally broke a person’s brain.  Whether you have PTSD, Complex PTSD or neither, trauma changes your brain which means you aren’t going to think as clearly as you would like to.

Chances are excellent that you did the best you could do with what you knew at that time, so you can’t get mad at yourself for not knowing better.  That would make as much sense as getting mad at a baby for not knowing how to drive a car.  I don’t care how bad your decisions once were, if you didn’t know they were bad, it makes no sense to be angry with yourself for making those decisions! 

Or, if you knew something was off but did it anyway like I did, gaslighting is why you can’t be mad at yourself for ignoring your instincts.  Remember, gaslighting makes a person doubt their feelings & perceptions.  In time, it can convince you your instincts are wrong.  Of course you ignored yours!  It’s only natural under the circumstances!  Why would listening to them when you honestly think they are so flawed make any sense?

Please stop being so angry with yourself or embarrassed by the dumb things you once did during & even after narcissistic abuse.  Show yourself some gentleness & grace!  I’m sure many of you first thought I had nothing to be embarrassed or angry about regarding my story of my first marriage because you know some of the abuse I endured in my life.  Extend that same understanding to yourself!  I’m no longer ashamed of my terribly dysfunctional thinking of that time in my life, & you deserve to feel the same way!

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

When Trauma Affects You Long After The Events Are Over

One very important thing I’ve learned about experiencing repeated traumas is something that’s never discussed.  It’s about how when you go through trauma after trauma, you don’t have the time to heal, so eventually it resurfaces, & often many years after the fact.  This is absolutely NORMAL!  Yet, many people tell those experiencing this that something is wrong with them, they’re living in the past or they need to get over it because that was such a long time ago.

If you’re going through this, this information is for you.

When you’re in a situation where you experience repeated traumas, your mind has no choice but to kick in to survival mode.  Survival mode is when you are faced with not knowing what will set an abuser off, so you become hyper-vigilant.  This means you become extremely aware of your surroundings & the emotional state of those around you in an attempt to prevent any abuse before it starts.  This takes over your awareness of your own needs, wants & feelings.  Survival mode is a very helpful way of thinking that helps you to survive traumatic situations.

Once the relationship with your abuser ends, that doesn’t mean survival mode is over & you automatically return to normal.  Survival mode usually continues for quite some time after the abuse is over.  It can last a few weeks, months or even years.  Eventually though, it does stop or at the very least, lets up a great deal.  As great as that is, it doesn’t mean you are ok.

After survival mode ends, it’s as if your brain decides that now is the time to deal with the trauma & it forces you to do this.  This is often when you start having nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts & memories. 

This time can be incredibly painful.  It can make you feel like you’re crazy.  After all, the abuse is done, you survived, so why now after all this time are you having these nightmares, flashbacks, etc.?  There are three reasons for this.

Reason #1: when you were in the abusive situation, there wasn’t time to process your trauma & survive.  Trauma happened over & over.  You didn’t have sufficient time to process one trauma when another happened, then another & another. 

Reason #2: surviving the situation is top priority during abusive relationships.  All of your focus had to be on surviving, not how you felt about that.

Reason #3: emotions demand to be felt.  If they can’t be felt at the time, they don’t simply vanish.  They wait until a time that the environment feels safe to manifest.  If you don’t deal with them in a healthy way, they’ll still manifest somehow.

If it’s been a while since the last trauma, yet suddenly you’re faced with a flood of emotions & pain related to it, I want to assure you that you’re not crazy.  You are in fact quite normal!  Your response is normal to a very abnormal situation.  I firmly believe that people who don’t react this way to situations like this are the ones with the problems.  How can a person not be affected by trauma?!  That is what is abnormal!  Being damaged by trauma is very normal.

Rather than ignoring the emotions, nightmares, etc. you’re experiencing, it’s time to deal with them.  Ignoring them only makes things worse.  It’s much like having a stomach bug.  As yukky as vomiting is, if you can, it helps you to get better.  If you don’t, the bug has to go through your system & drags out how long it takes you to get better.  Dealing with what you’re experiencing is yukky too but it really will help you heal.  So pray, journal, talk to someone safe… do whatever helps you to process your pain.  You will survive this & you will be ok!

Music Can Be Healing

My life has not had a lot of positive constants to say the least.  This is typical for any victim of narcissistic abuse.  One of the few positive constant things has been music, & I thought it would be a good idea to discuss that today.

Growing up with narcissistic parents, I learned early on that my job was to take care of & please them no matter any personal cost.  I also learned that any needs, wants, feelings, thoughts I had were unimportant.  While experiencing this, books became a wonderful escape for me.  When reading, I could be transported somewhere that this sort of abuse wasn’t happening.  Eventually though I had to put the book down & rejoin reality.  Thankfully, I discovered music when I was in the sixth grade.

Music didn’t offer quite the same escape as books did, but possibly it was even more helpful & powerful.  Reading, as wonderful as it can be, forces you to focus on it a lot so you don’t miss the details or lose your place.   Music is different. You can listen to music while you do pretty much anything, & still reap its benefits.  It also was the one thing that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ruin or take away from me, although she certainly tried to.  I simply listened to other artists or genres until I found something that spoke to me. 

As I got older, I clung to music, & still do.  I have certain genres & artists whose music is especially powerful & even healing to me.  My hope in sharing this with you is that you will discover the same for yourself.

Everyone’s taste in music is different, so please understand that whatever music helps you, that is ok!  There is no right or wrong.  What I am sharing today is just some information for you to consider when choosing your own music preferences.

As a new Christian in my mid 20’s, I thought the only acceptable music for Christians was gospel or worship music.  For some reason, these aren’t my favorite genres.  However, “Testify To Love” by Wynonna Judd & Bob Carlisle’s “Shades Of Grace” album never fail to touch my heart, & make me feel closer to God than usual.

As time went on, I got back into music I had loved prior to becoming a Christian.  Being a teenager in the 1980’s, I have a fondness for 80’s music.  Back then, I listened to anything from pop to heavy metal.  Even now, I still listen to it often.  This music takes me back to a time when although my life was very difficult, I still had one thing that was all mine, & it was something no one could ruin for me.  It feels good to remember that feeling.

I also like some country music.  My father was a big fan of outlaw country, like Waylon Jennings & Johnny Cash, & I remember him playing it when I was a little girl riding in his car.  That was fun, & now that car is mine.  Listening to it in that car reminds me of some good memories I have.  As an adult, I also discovered some country artists I love whose music reminds me to be proud of my roots, as my granddad instilled in me.  Loving the sound of their music is just a bonus.

There are other certain songs of random genres that I adore which also remind me of my roots.  Celtic & Native American Indian music often speak to me on a deep level, thanks to my Irish & Native American Indian heritage.  They make me feel a connection to ancestors I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet, & considering how interesting many of them were, this is a very good thing.  I also periodically enjoy some opera, classical, & instrumental nature music.  A song I enjoy from such genres isn’t common for me, but it always will create a sensation of peace & serenity. 

Lastly, I am a huge fan of a lot of heavy metal music.  I know, this is hardly everyone’s preferred genre, but it still inspires me.  It empowers me too.  There is so much passion that goes into songs of this genre & it seems to pass along to me when I listen to it.  I can’t not enjoy that especially considering how much time in my life has been spent feeling powerless.

I realize my taste in music could best be described as “don’t judge me”, & isn’t for everyone.  I hope in spite of that, you will consider what I have said & find what music has a powerful affect on you as my choices do on me.

15% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Looking At Trauma As A Gift

So many people push themselves & others to look at everything as if it is a gift, & this includes traumatic experiences.  While there are many wonderful things that can be looked at as blessings, trauma clearly doesn’t fit into that category, & there is nothing wrong with that.  Trauma is one of those things that is most certainly NOT a gift, no matter what may come from it.

When you have survived trauma, there is good that can come from it.  You become extremely compassionate to others who have suffered, even when their trauma is different than yours, because you know what it is like to suffer.  You may help raise awareness or even change laws to prevent others from suffering as you have.  Although these are absolutely wonderful things & you can be grateful for those things, they are born out of something that is far from wonderful.  And you know something?  It’s ok to admit that although good came from the trauma, & the trauma was anything but a gift.

By looking at trauma as a gift because of the good that came from it, it negates the trauma & pain of what happened.  All trauma needs to be acknowledged for what it is, not glossed over because something good happened as a direct result of that trauma.  Glossing over it minimizes the trauma, and it also invalidates those who have suffered traumatic experiences by basically saying, “Something good came from it so you can’t be traumatized!”  That is absolutely unhealthy! 

Looking at trauma as a gift is also incredibly shaming, in particular for those who are new to realizing how badly they were abused.  Most people in that place are struggling to accept that things weren’t as they thought.  They were told they were the problem or their actions made their abuser hurt them.  Losing that mindset & replacing it with the truth is very difficult at first because abusers work so hard to instill that mindset in their victims.  Adding in comments from people who try to convince them the abuse was actually a gift is very cruel, & can erase progress they made in accepting that their abuser was the real problem.

Rather than looking at trauma as a gift, it is much healthier to recognize that yes, it was horrible, but it is not a wasted experience & God still can bring good from it.  In the Amplified Translation of the Bible, Genesis 50:20 says, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome, that many people would be kept alive [as they are this day].”  Joseph said this after experiencing his brothers selling him into slavery and spending time in prison!  And later in Romans 8:28 says, “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”  Keep in mind, this epistle was written by the apostle Paul, who experienced some pretty terrible things in his life such as being imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.

Notice that neither Scripture involves denial of bad things or even sugarcoating them in the slightest.  Instead, they acknowledge God & His actions, encouraging the reader to see that He can bring good from even the worst of situations. 

I can tell you from my own experience how helpful that is!  Knowing that God could bring some good from my suffering has helped me to come to terms with the trauma I have experienced.  No, I’m not happy such painful things have happened, but I can handle it because I know that at least they had some purpose.  If they had none, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain knowing it was for nothing.

Rather than trying to look at your painful, traumatic experiences in a light that is too positive such as claiming they were a gift, instead, I want to encourage you to have a more balanced view of them.  Acknowledge they were terrible & painful, but at the same time, acknowledge that God can bring some good from them, no matter how terrible they were. Looking at trauma in this balanced way is so much better for your mental health than trying to be overly positive.

When Healing, Question Everything

Recently I’ve been struggling quite a bit.  The holiday season is always a big challenge for me thanks to so many awful holidays during my adult life, but 2022, it was worse than usual.  I was really depressed & couldn’t figure out why.  I tried to ignore it since I couldn’t figure it out, & just chalked it up to this happens sometimes. 

Just after the first of the year though, I remembered something.  Many years ago, I read that in some people, repressed anger is at the root of their depression.  I’m all about getting to the root of things so I thought about this.  Suddenly things started to click in my mind.  I have been abused so much & have plenty of reasons to be angry.  Yet, expressing anger always has been an issue for me.  I learned early from my parents that my anger wasn’t acceptable, even though they were allowed to express theirs at any time.  There have been so many other people in my life who continued this treatment of me.  As a result, I learned it was easier to ignore my anger.  But, apparently now is the time to deal with it, so I’ve been learning how to do that.

I started by asking God what to do.  He brought to mind many things done to me that made me angry, yet I didn’t express that anger.  I identified the anger, then thought about specifically why I was angry.  If you have seen the Wheel Of Emotions, you’ll know what I mean.  Emotions funnel down to a precise facet.  In my case, I felt angry because I was mad for being betrayed, disrespected, violated &/or treated as if I didn’t matter as much as other people.  Then, I thought of questions about my situations that made me look at the situations differently.

One example that came to mind was when my mother threw me into a wall when I was 19.  She was upset that although she picked a fight with me that night, I not only fought back, but then I wanted to get away, as any normal human would. That is why she threw me into the wall, to prevent me from leaving.  My father was upset that when he walked out a few minutes before this happened, she “locked him out”, even though his keys were in his pocket.   My ex husband/then fiancée was upset because, according to him, it was hard on him when Mom abused me.  I stayed with a friend’s parents that night & they were upset I didn’t come straight to their house immediately after it happened.  For the first time, I recently realized how horrible this was.  I was the one assaulted, yet no one cared how I felt!  I wondered why didn’t it matter to anyone that I was physically hurt & in a state of shock?  All that mattered is how THEY felt, not me, & I was the victim!  How does this make sense?  How can they honestly be ok with being so selfish?

By asking these questions, it got me madder than I was, which turned out to be a very good thing.  It enabled me to get rid of so much anger inside by finally feeling it.  It also made me realize I deserved to be treated so much better, which helped me realize I never would tolerate this again.

For a long time now, I’ve realized using logic helps when dealing with narcissists.  Calmly asking them logical questions like, “Why should I tolerate you treating me like that?  How does this benefit either of us?” often makes them back off, even if only temporarily.  Until this happened though, I had no idea how useful this could be in emotional healing after abuse.  It really is helpful though, & I hope you will try this as well!

25% Off All Ebooks Sale Is Still In Progress!

My publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks from December 15, 2022 – January 1, 2023. No coupon code is needed! Just shop & the sale price magically appears in your shopping cart.

My ebooks are available at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

A Message For Trauma Survivors

Those who survive trauma suffer a great deal beyond the traumatic events they endured.  They also struggle with anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & more.  Experiencing trauma changes how your brain works & how you think.  Because of this, today I want to remind those of you who survived trauma of some important things.

You are strong.  I know, you don’t feel that way but you are.  Even if you have some serious struggles with your mental health, you’re strong.  You survived what easily could have killed another person.  Yes, you have some damage from that but you still survived.  That is proof that you are strong!

You are valuable.  Abusers do love to convince their victims that they are useless wastes of space don’t they?  The fact is though that they only say this because it keeps their victims down & easier to control, not because they believe it.  In fact, if they work hard to convince you that you have no value, it only goes to show that they know you are valuable.  If they believed you truly to be worthless, why would they work so hard to convince you that you are worthless?

You are not to blame for the abuse.  I don’t care what your abuser said, you are not to blame for anything they did.  You never made that person hurt you.  Nothing anyone says or does can force another person to abuse them.  Get mad, sure.  Maybe even hit someone in extreme cases.  But, ongoing abuse is the result of the decision to abuse someone over & over again.  That decision is the sole responsibility of abusers.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.  Again, I don’t care what your abuser said.  Nothing you did means you deserved whatever your abuser did to you.  They chose to abuse because of something very fundamentally wrong with them, not because of anything you did.

If your abuser was someone you fell in love with, that isn’t a reason for you to feel stupid or be ashamed of yourself.  Abusers aren’t horrible all of the time.  If they were, they’d be easy to spot & avoid.  Abusers often portray themselves as just what their victim wants in a mate, which is why good people fall in love with them every day.

You are allowed to talk about what he or she did to you.  Abusers love their victims to stay quiet & will not hesitate to use anything in their power to make that happen.  They don’t want anyone to know what they have done or are doing because that might mean someone would think badly of them, give them consequences for their behavior or even stop them from abusing their victims.  The truth though is that this isn’t just their story.  It’s yours too, which means you have every right to discuss it as much or as little as you want.  If they want you to talk about them in a good way, they shouldn’t have abused you!  Don’t forget too that discussing it isn’t trying to ruin their reputation.  It’s simply telling what happened to you.

Your wants & needs are valid.  Your desire to be treated with basic common decency is valid.  Normal, even.  Your wants & needs don’t mean you’re “high maintenance”, needy or impossible to please.

Your emotions are also valid.  Just because your abuser said you are over sensitive, overreacting or can’t take a joke doesn’t mean these things are true.  Your anger & hurt over their behavior are valid, & perfectly normal under the circumstances.

It’s perfectly ok to take days off.  So many abusers convince their victims that they’re lazy, & that often sticks around long after the abuse is over.  I struggle with this myself, so I want to tell you what I tell myself.  There is nothing wrong with taking days off.  It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.  It means you’re human & need some rest.  Healing from abuse & living with the mental & emotional struggles are a lot of work!  Rest is essential anyway but especially when you’re trying to heal.

I hope this post helps you to remember these important points.  I wish you the best!

You Deserve Compassion & Kindness!

Once someone has been abused, often they quietly & obliviously develop the misguided belief that they are unworthy of compassion & kindness. 

Most likely this comes from their abusers constantly telling them that they are a burden, they’re stupid, do nothing but cause problems & other things that instill a deep root of toxic shame in victims.  That toxic shame tells people that their feelings, needs, wants, pains & every other thing about them aren’t valid. 

Add into this the phrase “victim mentality” & the shame society often inflicts on anyone who says they were a victim.  Clueless & often heartless people say victims should’ve just walked away, pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, they should stop living in the past & being so negative.  It makes people feel that they deserved the abuse, & are weak for being abused or even having PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of the abuse, which only adds to the toxic shame.

Even worse than the toxic shame is the fact that being on the receiving end of such treatment makes people doubt the validity of their pain over their experiences.  They may think they weren’t abused so badly since their parent didn’t beat them, or their abusive husband “only” forced her to have sex a few times.  Other people have it so much worse, so their experiences couldn’t be all that bad, right?  WRONG!  They were bad!  In fact, they were worse than bad.  They were atrocious!  Being abused is horrible, no matter how frequently one is abused or whether it was verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or financial. 

After being on the receiving end of such treatment, is it common for people to think they’re awful people, whining about trivial matters, so they don’t deserve any compassion or kindness.  Today, I want to tell anyone who feels this way that they are ABSOLUTELY WRONG!  I don’t care what your abusers said you were or that other people maybe had it “worse” than you.  Your pain is valid.  Your experiences were terrible.  You did NOT deserve any of it.  And, you deserve compassion and kindness! 

Whether you are comfortable admitting this or not, the truth is you have been through some pretty horrific things.  Those things weren’t your fault.  You did nothing whatsoever to deserve them.  You aren’t a bad person because others said you were & treated you terribly.  Their behavior speaks much more about them than it does you.  And, it doesn’t mean you are undeserving of compassion & kindness.  You are as worthy of compassion & kindness just as much as any other person.  In fact, you are just as worthy as any other person in every possible way, period.

If you haven’t begun to focus on your healing, maybe today is the day to start.  It will benefit you so much to do so!  Admitting the abuse was wrong & painful is an excellent place to start.  Also recognizing that the way your abuser treated you truly had nothing to do with you but with your abusers is powerful for healing.  Get angry about the unfairness & cruelty of what was done to you!  That will help you to see that you didn’t deserve it, & you deserve to be treated so much better.  Pray, write in a journal, seek a counselor that specializes in trauma or whatever helps you to heal.  The more you heal, the more you’ll recognize that you are valuable.  The more you recognize your own value, the less poor treatment from other people you will tolerate.  You also will recognize what you deserve, & that includes to be loved, respected & treated compassionately & kindly.