Another Way To Cope With Narcissists

As I’ve mentioned many times in my writing before, narcissists are impossible to avoid completely, unless you are willing to live in a cave & avoid all human contact.  Thankfully, the more you heal from narcissistic abuse, the less narcissists want to do with you because you have learned how to avoid becoming their victim.  Even so, there are still going to be times you can’t avoid them entirely, & today I want to offer a tip to help you during those times.

Whether that narcissist is someone close to you such as a spouse or parent, or they are that awful new coworker, narcissistic abuse always feels very personal.  That is part of what makes it so intensely painful.  I have come to learn that if you can remove that personal feeling, not only does the abuse hurt less, but it also allows you to think clearer about how best to deal with the narcissist. 

One of the ways I have learned to make narcissistic abuse feel less personal is to remember that these people are extremely damaged somehow.  Obviously, that damage is no excuse to behave as they do, so please don’t think I’m saying that because they are damaged, you must forgive & forget, & tolerate their abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am saying that remembering they are damaged & that is why they are so cruel to you can benefit you by helping their abuse feel less personal.

I don’t believe people are born narcissists.  They become narcissists through a variety of circumstances such as being spoiled, neglected or abused as children, a brain injury, physical health problems which made them depend on other people & I’m sure many other ways of which I am unaware at this time.  Something made them realize that a narcissistic behavior got what they wanted, so they did it again & again.  They also continually added to their repertoire over time.  This distanced them from whatever started them down the path to becoming a narcissist, so they gladly continued their behavior rather than face their pain.  

I also believe that by doing the things they do, they have closed a door to God & opened another wide to the devil & his minions.  I honestly can’t say I believe all narcissists are demon possessed, but I do believe some are & many are at least under an evil influence.  As narcissists come to believe they are superior beings & entitled to whatever they want, they won’t recognize the evil working in their lives, so they do nothing about it.  They also have no motivation to make changes.  Hurting people isn’t enough of a motivating factor for a narcissist to want to change.

If you can keep things like this in mind, it truly does take a lot of the pain out of narcissistic abuse, because you realize it’s not personal.  They are acting as they are because of their own dysfunction, selfishness & even cowardice for not facing whatever set them on this path in the first place.  None of that has anything to do with you.  You just happen to be a convenient target.

Also by keeping this in mind, it allows you to think logically & less emotionally.  This comes in very handy when you need to find ways to deal with this person & set healthy boundaries.  Emotions can cloud your thinking so easily in these situations.  It helps having the ability to keep them at bay.

If you consider the things I mentioned, you do need to be aware of not going too far out of balance in your feelings.  I have made this mistake.  Many years ago, for a brief time, I felt very sorry for my mother in-law, a covert narcissist.  She took advantage of that, & her abuse got worse & worse.  That is why I believe the value of balance in this is vital!  It is very possible to feel compassion for a person while having the wisdom not to pity them enough to tolerate abuse.  Finding balance shows the narcissist they can’t manipulate, control, hurt or even fluster you.  And, you still hold onto your kindness & humanity by having the ability to feel sorry that they experienced something so bad that it set them on this terrible path.