People who grew up with narcissistic parents learned early in their life that their feelings didn’t matter & in fact, they weren’t even allowed to have feelings. The only feelings that are important to any narcissist are the feelings of that narcissist, after all. Growing up in such an environment, it’s very common for children to learn to ignore their feelings or on the off chance they feel something, to stuff that emotion deep down inside & ignore it.
This is very unhealthy behavior!! Feelings don’t just disappear or die. They remain, even when ignored & neglected. Sure, you can ignore or even numb them successfully for a time, but they will demand attention at some point.
Feelings are actually a wonderful thing, in spite of what our narcissistic parents taught us. They let us know when things are good or bad. They warn us when something harmful is happening & give us a release when too many bad things are happening at once. Sharing your feelings also can create intimacy with someone by making you vulnerable with that person. That really is a good thing, provided you share with a safe, loving person.
After a lifetime of ignoring your feelings though, where do you begin?
First, start paying attention to yourself. Notice how you really feel about things. Do some things make you happy? Sad? Angry? Pay attention to what those things are & how they make you feel. This will help you to get to know yourself better as well as how you honestly feel about things. You can journal about your discoveries, too, as having a written record to look back on can be very helpful.
Also, never judge yourself for what you feel. Feelings just are, they just happen, even the strange ones. You aren’t wrong if vanilla ice cream makes you angry. Chances are that if you get angry when you see vanilla ice cream that there is some trauma in your past connected to vanilla ice cream, & that is why you feel that way. Figure out what that trauma is & face it head on. Sure, that sounds odd, but things like that can happen. I believe God lets us face only what we can at a time which is why some repressed memories start as unusual things like the ice cream example. That first strange little thing is a stepping stone to a larger thing that needs your attention.
Don’t forget to talk to safe, good people about your feelings. It helps to have caring people validate your feelings. There is nothing wrong with you for what you feel, but it can feel that way at first. Having someone you can trust tell you that you’re OK, & there is nothing wrong with you for what you feel can be incredibly helpful!
Most of all, don’t forget to pray & pray often. God will help you however you need the help, so let Him! Tell him whatever you think & feel, ask for whatever you need & listen to His voice as He speaks to you. You’ll be glad you did!
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 