The Value Of Appropriate Responsibility

Many people say things absolutely wrong from the perspective of responsibility.  Think of how narcissists apologize, for example.  They say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which basically makes the victim feel judged & badly for being upset about the abuse that was inflicted on them.  It subtly removes responsibility off the narcissist for being abusive & puts it on the victim for overreacting or being too sensitive.

There are also other less glaringly obvious examples of this behavior that are very common. 

When you apologize, saying, “I’m sorry about that” is pretty vague.  Instead, saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you when I forgot our anniversary” is much better.  Why?  Because it acknowledges the wrong done as well as accepts responsibility for the behavior.  That kind of apology stands a much better chance of gaining forgiveness than a vaguer one does.

It’s also important to use language that isn’t minimizing when discussing abuse.  If you’re confronting your abuser, it makes an impression to tell them, “Screaming at me is unacceptable.  Until you can calm down, talk to me in a normal tone of voice without calling me stupid, I won’t listen to you.”  Saying something like, “You hurt my feelings when you yelled at me & called me names” sounds more like whining, & most abusers won’t listen to that.  It minimizes the abuse & the claims sound vaguer, which give the abuser room to further minimize his or her actions, deny they even happened or even turn the conversation around to you, saying you’re over sensitive or similar nonsense as a way of removing the focus off of them.

Even if you aren’t confronting your abuser, it’s still not a good idea to minimize anything when discussing abuse.  Saying things like, “What happened to me” glosses over the abuse.  It sounds not so bad.  It also sounds like you have some responsibility it it.  Using phrases like, “What was done to me,” or “What they did to me” place the responsibility for what happened to you where it belongs – on your abuser.  This is very important!  Not only does it help people who weren’t abused see that the abuser was responsible for the abuse, but it helps victims as well.  When victims sugar coat the abuse by saying things like, “I was abused” makes them minimize the severity of the events in their mind.  They basically invalidate themselves.  Victims need to be very aware that what happened was terrible & it wasn’t their fault.

If someone tells you that they were abused, then please don’t say things like, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”  That too can be very minimizing.  Instead, say, “I’m so sorry that person did that to you!  That was terrible & wrong, & you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”  By saying the latter option, you have empowered the victim.  You basically said, “That person did something pretty terrible to you that they shouldn’t have done.  It wasn’t your fault!”  You acknowledge the severity of the situation, & sometimes, victims really need that.  When we see someone other than us is horrified when they find out some of the things done to us. It helps us to take what happened more seriously.  It’s harder to downplay trauma when someone else sees it as traumatic & terrible.