Growing Up Invalidated

Narcissists are masters of invalidation.  In other words, they are masters at making their victims feel as if their likes, dislikes, & feelings are inaccurate, & the person feeling them is wrong, deeply flawed or even crazy for feeling the way they do.  Invalidation is a very cruel thing to do to another person, as it makes a person lose the ability to trust their feelings & perceptions.  It even can make a person doubt their sanity.  This makes an invalidated person easy to manipulate & control, which naturally is the goal of any narcissist.

Narcissistic parents love invalidating their children because of this, in particular engulfing narcissistic parents.  Chronically invalidated children are extremely insecure, clingy with their parents because of the insecurity & they look to their parents for information much more than healthier children do. 

Sadly, this chronic invalidation in childhood creates life long problems for children like this.  Having been in this situation, I can vouch for just how damaging it is.  The good thing however is once you recognize the signs, you can make healthy changes. 

Probably the most common sign of growing up invalidated is low or non existent self esteem.  How could anyone have any self esteem when their own parents invalidated them?  It’s impossible.  Healing such damaged self esteem is a long process, but so worth it.  The best way to start this process that I know of is to ask God to help you often, & to start questioning things.  When you think something negative about yourself, question it.  Ask yourself why you feel that way.  Is there evidence of this feeling being accurate, or do you think this way because your parent told you that you were that way?

One sign of growing up invalidated is that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable around other people.  The good news is that the more you heal, the healthier your relationships naturally become, & eventually you become able to be vulnerable around those healthy people. 

Feeling as if your feelings, thoughts, wants, & needs are less important than other people is also typical of someone who grew up being invalidated.  I want you to know that feeling that way is WRONG!  Everything about you is just as important as other people.  There is nothing about you that makes you less important.  You are valuable & you matter!

Second guessing yourself constantly is common with someone who has been invalidated in their childhood.  How could it not be?  Much like healing helps your self esteem improve & that naturally attracts healthier people, it also will help you to stop second guessing yourself so much.  You will become more confident & second guess yourself less & less over time.

Feeling invisible also is a part of growing up invalidated.  It’s such an awful way to feel!  Sadly when you spend time with those who invalidated you, you may always feel this way to some degree.  I certainly do.  It improved as I healed, but never entirely went away.  Feeling this way though doesn’t mean something wrong with you.  It means something is wrong with those who treat you this way. 

Obviously healing from invalidation isn’t a quick or easy path, but working on it is well worth it.  You deserve validation, even if your parents didn’t think you did.  You are worthy of it.  You’re also worthy of love, kindness & being treated well.  Don’t accept the message of invalidation that says otherwise!  Reject it!  If you’re struggling with that, then pray & ask God to help you & to teach you how to reject these dysfunctional & toxic messages.  Work on your improving self esteem, too.  That also will help you so much!

The Invalidation Triple Threat

I recently read a term I never heard of before – “the invalidation triple threat.” Naturally I was intrigued. Apparently this term originated with Matthew Fray, author of “This Is How Your Marriage Ends.” I have yet to read this book, but I definitely plan to since it sounds fascinating. Anyway the invalidation triple threat apparently applies to the combination of gaslighting, understatement & defensiveness.

Gaslighting leaves you confused, doubting yourself & your perceptions. Understating or minimizing leaves you feeling as if you’re oversensitive, overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. Defensiveness leaves you feeling as if you have no right to your feelings, are completely out of line for being upset & ashamed for being upset. Any one of these is incredibly damaging, but the combination of gaslighting, understatement & defensiveness are a truly deadly combination to one’s mental health & relationships, especially when done repeatedly.

Consider the following example of a married couple. The husband knows that it bothers his wife that he leaves his knife in the sink after making a sandwich yet he continually does it anyway. When she asks him just to put it in the dishwasher instead, he gets mildly defensive & says he was going to after eating his sandwich. She feels badly for not considering that, so she says nothing else. A few days later, it happens again. He minimizes her concern by telling her it’s not a big deal, he’ll get to it. Again, she lets it go, yet feels a bit worse than she did the first time this happened but she’s also annoyed. The third time it happens, she is angry. She reminds him that she has told him it bothers her that he doesn’t just put his knife in the dishwasher after he makes a sandwich, & she has asked him to do so repeatedly yet he doesn’t. He uses gaslighting & says he always does it but just forgot this one time. He apologizes for not doing this on her timetable, says he was going to do it, puts the knife in the dishwasher & leaves the room angrily. The wife is left feeling guilty for nagging him & like something is wrong with her for making a big deal out of such a small thing. She also feels her husband doesn’t care how his behavior makes her feel or that he makes her feel her wants & needs don’t matter. And, she wonders if she is crazy or stupid for not remembering all the times he actually put the knife in the dishwasher before,

This situation probably would be only mildly damaging if it was the only incident. But, rarely is that the case. People who behave this way almost always do so repeatedly. People like the husband in this example also may behave this way with their spouse’s concerns with their children or how disrespectful their extended family members are. This means that the person subjected to this treatment frequently receives the messages that the wife in the example received & no doubt shares similar emotions – guilt, shame, crazy & as if they don’t matter to the other person in the relationship.

If this describes you, my heart truly goes out to you. No one should suffer with being treated this way!

I can’t tell you what to do in your situation of course. You need to decide that for yourself, preferably with God’s guidance. But, there are some things I can tell you.

You don’t deserve to be treated so badly! Nothing you can do would warrant anyone treating you this way.

This treatment has nothing to do with you, although it certainly feels very personal. It is all about the other person’s dysfunction. Something is wrong with him or her to think that this is an acceptable way to treat another person.

Being treated this way absolutely can take a toll on one’s self esteem, but please remember not to let that happen! No one has the right to determine how you feel about yourself, let alone someone so incredibly dysfunctional & toxic.

If you have tried to work things out yet the other person refuses to change even knowing their behavior hurts you, there is no shame in ending the relationship. It won’t mean you’re a failure! It means you have self respect & the other person prefers dysfunction over self improvement.

I’m praying for God to show you what your best course of action to take is & for Him to heal the damage done to you by the invalidation triple threat!

About Subtle Invalidation

Invalidation is a form of emotional abuse that is extremely damaging to one’s mental health.  While most people are aware of the obvious types of invalidation such as someone telling you “you’re overreacting!”, there are other, more subtle forms that can go unnoticed.  These subtle invalidations are just as harmful, if not more so, because they are harder to identify & may be dismissed as insignificant. 

Subtle invalidation can come in many forms, such as:

• Asking the person what they did to upset someone else, rather than acknowledging bad behavior
• Telling the person they need to understand the other person better, rather than validating their feelings
• Suggesting that the person’s feelings are a result of their own thoughts or behaviors, rather than acknowledging the validity of their emotions
• Attempting to shut down the conversation by leaving the room or changing the subject

These subtle forms of invalidation make the person feel like their emotions are not valid and do not matter.  Over time, this makes people begin to doubt their own feelings & experiences, which leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, & depression.

Consider the example of a person who is upset because their friend canceled plans at the last minute.  A subtle invalidation might be something like, “Well, you know how busy they are.  They probably just had something come up.”  While this may seem harmless, it dismisses the person’s feelings & suggests that they are overreacting.  This can lead the person to feel like their emotions are not valid & that they are being overly sensitive.

It’s important to note that subtle invalidation can often be unintentional.  The person may not even realize that they are invalidating the other person’s feelings.  However, regardless of intent, the effects can be just as harmful.

Subtle invalidation can have a number of negative effects on a person’s mental health.  These may include:

• Low self-esteem & self-doubt
• Anxiety & depression
• Difficulty expressing emotions
• Feeling like emotions are not valid or important
• Difficulty forming & maintaining relationships

When a person’s emotions are continually invalidated, they feel like they are not worthy of love & acceptance.  This leads to a cycle of self-doubt & low self-esteem.

Overcoming subtle invalidation is possible.  Here are some tips for overcoming subtle invalidation:

Pray.  God is more than willing to help you so simply ask Him for that help!  He will help you however you need.

Recognize when it is happening.  It’s so important to recognize when it is happening.  Subtle invalidation may be hard to identify.  However, paying attention to the words & actions of others can help you identify when it is occurring.

Validate your own emotions.  It’s important to remember that your emotions are valid & important, regardless of what others may say.  Remind yourself that your feelings matter just as much as everyone else’s & that you have the right to express them.

Communicate your feelings.  Obviously this doesn’t work with narcissists since they use this type of information to hurt others, but it can work with people who aren’t narcissists.  Be honest & open, & express how their invalidation impacted you.

Set boundaries.  If someone is continually invalidating your feelings, it’s necessary to set boundaries.  This may mean limiting contact with that person or ending the relationship altogether.

Subtle invalidation is just as harmful as more obvious forms of invalidation.  However, by recognizing when it is happening, validating our own emotions, communicating our feelings, & setting boundaries, it’s possible to heal from its damaging effects.

Dealing With People Who Minimize Or Invalidate Your Trauma

I have lost track of how many people I have spoken with who have been faced with cruel people minimizing & invalidating their trauma.  Like these people, I’ve faced it myself.  Mostly from family but also from total strangers who have commented on my work.  This behavior absolutely infuriates me whether it’s aimed at me or someone else, because it is so far beyond WRONG!

People who behave this way have no idea that although the trauma may have happened in the past, it still affects the present.  When you have C-PTSD or PTSD, the past is constantly a part of the present, whether or not you want it to be.  Even if you have tried hard to heal & cope, some things are simply too odious to heal from in a lifetime.  That doesn’t make you flawed or broken.  It makes you human.

Also, what makes anyone think they have the right to judge another person for how they have handled trauma?  Do they honestly think they could have handled the situation better?  Or maybe to them, your trauma doesn’t sound so bad.  So what?  They aren’t you.  Things that devastate you may not affect them & things that devastate them may not affect you.  People are different.  That doesn’t make one person right & the other wrong in these situations.  It makes them different.  Contrary to what many people seem to think, different isn’t a bad thing!

Even people with good intentions can be invalidating.  Comments like, “I’m sure it wasn’t all that bad”, “You’ll be ok!” are just as invalidating & damaging as when someone’s intentions are deliberate & malicious.  When I was in high school, I spoke to my guidance counselor about the abuse at home.  One thing I told her was how my mother would scream at me every day, telling me how horrible I was.  She actually told me, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”  That was in 1989 & thinking about that still makes me angry!  It really was bad, I can assure you of that.

When this sort of thing happens to you, there are some things you can do.  Rather than accept the invalidation as fact, question it.  Ask God to tell you the truth about the situation & listen to what He has to say.  And, question the person saying what they did.  You can ask them why would they say that about something that clearly traumatized you, or why do they think it’s ok to be so heartless.  Questions like that can stop a person in their tracks.  Someone who didn’t intend to hurt you will be upset you said that but realize why you did.  They will apologize & be more sensitive to you.  Someone who did intend to hurt you will make excuses for what they said or blame you for being over sensitive or overreacting.

Another tactic that can help is repeating what the person said back to them.  As an example, let’s say you were robbed at knife point, & someone says that happened last year, so you shouldn’t be upset about it anymore.  You could respond with, “You know what?  You’re absolutely right!  I don’t know what I was thinking!  I shouldn’t be so sensitive.  I should just forget that someone robbed me & easily could have killed me.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?!”

You also need to have good boundaries.  If someone repeatedly invalidates you, you don’t have to tolerate it.  Let them know this isn’t something you will tolerate, & if they continue, you will have to hang up the phone or leave, then follow through if they continue. 

If this person continues to treat you this way in spite of knowing how much they are hurting you, you may need to end the relationship.  Naturally, that is your decision of course, but it should be a possibility in your mind, because you don’t deserve this sort of cruel treatment.

I hope you feel better equipped to deal with invalidating people now, because you deserve to be treated so much better than that!

When People Blame Others For The Trauma They Experience

Extremely dysfunctional people often have a very bad habit.  They find ways to blame the innocent for cruelty or even abuse others inflict on them.  These are the people who ask someone what they said to make their spouse hit them, criticize a woman’s choice of clothing on the day someone raped her, or say things like, “I don’t know why you two just can’t get along” in a shaming tone when someone says their elderly parent is abusive.  They also may minimize the trauma, invalidate the person’s feelings about it or even deny it happened altogether.

This bad habit isn’t simply dysfunctional for the person who behaves this way.  It’s also exceedingly cruel to the people they say such comments to & treat so poorly.  Saying such things is shaming, & it implies someone deserves whatever trauma has happened to them, brought the abuse on themselves & are to blame for not turning an abusive relationship into a good one.  Of course, such words aren’t spoken directly, but the implications are still there.  To someone who has suffered trauma & is in the vulnerable position of admitting that to someone else, this behavior can make a person feel ashamed for suffering, not preventing the trauma or even bringing it on themselves.  Minimizing, invalidating & denying trauma also are cruel, because they make a person feel ashamed of themselves for feeling as they do.  They feel they are wrong, flawed or even crazy when subjected to someone who minimizes, invalidates & denies the trauma. 

When a dysfunctional person treats an innocent person this way, they have their own reasons for doing so, & those reasons are never healthy.

This person may be on good terms with the abuser, & doesn’t want to think they could be so close to someone who is so cruel.  Admitting someone you think highly of is in reality a toxic monster isn’t exactly pleasant of course.  Blaming someone for making the person they care about behave badly is much easier for people like this to handle.

Some are simply cowardly.  To support victims, you have to do things.  You offer them compassion, caring, kindness, & support.  You listen to their horror stories because it helps them to talk about it.  Blaming an innocent person makes what happened to them something they deserved, & in that case, they don’t deserve any of the things that victims deserve.  It’s much easier than supporting someone who has been traumatized.

Some of these extremely dysfunctional people have experienced their own trauma, & you facing your trauma offends them.  It reminds them of pain they want to forget, which makes them extremely uncomfortable.  Or, they see you facing your pain & feel cowardly for not facing their own.  They don’t take this as a sign that it’s time to start facing their pain.  Instead they try to shut down the victim.  That is why they say such cruel things.  Their goal is to stop this person from making them feel things that they have worked very hard to avoid feeling.  Shaming someone is a very quick & effective way to accomplish that.

If you have experienced being treated this way, my heart goes out to you.  It’s not fair or right in any way.  Please never forget though that it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to discuss what happened to you.  There is, however, something very wrong with someone who is willing to treat someone who has been traumatized so poorly.  Don’t let their dysfunction determine how you feel about what happened to you.  You know the truth about the situation.  You were there.  You lived through that & are living with the aftermath of it.  The cruel person who treated you so badly wasn’t.  This means they don’t know nearly as much as they think they do, so why would you seriously consider anything they have to say on the matter?  There is no good reason to!

Rather than taking their cruelty to heart, ignore them.  Focus on taking good care of yourself & your healing, & leave the dysfunctional to their dysfunction.

The Value Of Appropriate Responsibility

Many people say things absolutely wrong from the perspective of responsibility.  Think of how narcissists apologize, for example.  They say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which basically makes the victim feel judged & badly for being upset about the abuse that was inflicted on them.  It subtly removes responsibility off the narcissist for being abusive & puts it on the victim for overreacting or being too sensitive.

There are also other less glaringly obvious examples of this behavior that are very common. 

When you apologize, saying, “I’m sorry about that” is pretty vague.  Instead, saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you when I forgot our anniversary” is much better.  Why?  Because it acknowledges the wrong done as well as accepts responsibility for the behavior.  That kind of apology stands a much better chance of gaining forgiveness than a vaguer one does.

It’s also important to use language that isn’t minimizing when discussing abuse.  If you’re confronting your abuser, it makes an impression to tell them, “Screaming at me is unacceptable.  Until you can calm down, talk to me in a normal tone of voice without calling me stupid, I won’t listen to you.”  Saying something like, “You hurt my feelings when you yelled at me & called me names” sounds more like whining, & most abusers won’t listen to that.  It minimizes the abuse & the claims sound vaguer, which give the abuser room to further minimize his or her actions, deny they even happened or even turn the conversation around to you, saying you’re over sensitive or similar nonsense as a way of removing the focus off of them.

Even if you aren’t confronting your abuser, it’s still not a good idea to minimize anything when discussing abuse.  Saying things like, “What happened to me” glosses over the abuse.  It sounds not so bad.  It also sounds like you have some responsibility it it.  Using phrases like, “What was done to me,” or “What they did to me” place the responsibility for what happened to you where it belongs – on your abuser.  This is very important!  Not only does it help people who weren’t abused see that the abuser was responsible for the abuse, but it helps victims as well.  When victims sugar coat the abuse by saying things like, “I was abused” makes them minimize the severity of the events in their mind.  They basically invalidate themselves.  Victims need to be very aware that what happened was terrible & it wasn’t their fault.

If someone tells you that they were abused, then please don’t say things like, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”  That too can be very minimizing.  Instead, say, “I’m so sorry that person did that to you!  That was terrible & wrong, & you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”  By saying the latter option, you have empowered the victim.  You basically said, “That person did something pretty terrible to you that they shouldn’t have done.  It wasn’t your fault!”  You acknowledge the severity of the situation, & sometimes, victims really need that.  When we see someone other than us is horrified when they find out some of the things done to us. It helps us to take what happened more seriously.  It’s harder to downplay trauma when someone else sees it as traumatic & terrible.

When People Say Things They Shouldn’t To Abuse Victims

Admitting you were abused or hearing stories by other people of abuse they endured is very uncomfortable & unpleasant.  No one wants to talk about abuse.  I sure don’t!  I’d love to write about more pleasant topics & never think about the abuse I endured ever again.  Yet, I know this is impossible.  Even if I quit writing about it, the aftermath of abuse never goes away.  It’s always there to some degree, so talking about it is normal.  Most people talk about abuse in their past either slightly, a lot like me or mostly somewhere in between.

Anyone who has decided to open up about abuse has learned that not everyone is a willing, compassionate listener.  When you gather your courage to discuss the most painful experiences of your life only to be met with invalidation, it can be incredibly painful.  I hope to help you learn some ways to cope with that in this post by sharing some common comments people make to abuse survivors.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”  Many people who haven’t survived abuse don’t understand why a victim wouldn’t reach out for help.  It’s totally acceptable to educate anyone who asks this question.  Abusers threaten their victims to keep quiet.  They also tell their victims no one will believe them.  They even destroy their victim’s self esteem to the point the victim believes no one would care anyway, so there isn’t a point in telling anyone.

“You shouldn’t talk about this.  It’s not the Christian thing to do, making him/her look bad.”  People who say this are often also survivors of abuse, yet who lack the courage to face their pain.  Others facing their pain makes these folks feel badly, so they try to shut down the open person.  Often, there is no getting through to these people, so it is best not to discuss abuse with them.  It is vital to know though that there is nothing “un-Christian” about discussing your experiences.  You aren’t making the abuser look bad.  The abuser already did that by being abusive.

“Are you really sure that’s what happened?”  This comment is often said by someone who knows both victim & abuser.  This is said by someone who really doesn’t want to accept that someone they care about is capable of such awful behavior.  It also is said by a narcissist’s flying monkey who is trying to instill doubt in the victim so they tolerate more abuse from the narcissist.  Take this comment as a red flag that the person saying it is NOT safe!  Don’t discuss your experiences with this person.  Doing so only will lead to you being hurt, possibly also being the victim of a smear campaign.

“Nobody’s parents are perfect,” “No one gets along perfectly with their parents,” or “Everyone has childhood hurts.”  When a person says these statements, it hurts.  They are lumping vicious abuse in the same category as simple personality differences.  So invalidating!!  Shock value can make a person realize how foolish their words are.  Saying something like, “So my mother berating me to the point of obliterating my self esteem while I was a child is the same as another mother not letting her child wear a certain shirt to school?  That’s what it sounds like you’re saying, & I disagree with you.”

“Stop thinking about it” or “Stop dwelling in the past!”  Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that easy?!  Again, it’s acceptable to educate whoever asks this question.  Tell them that C-PTSD & PTSD are common after abuse, & are brought on by experiencing such horrific trauma, it literally broke a person’s brain.  A quality these disorders share is constantly reliving the trauma through flashbacks, nightmares & intrusive thoughts.  Not thinking about things is impossible when your brain won’t let you.

“Why would you talk about this now, all this time later?”  When in the midst of suffering abuse, the victim is busy trying to survive.  Talking about it at the time rarely seems important.  Once the victim is safe, survival mode ends & this person can think clearer.  They often try to process what they just escaped by talking about it.  Or, they are triggered by something… a sound, smell, someone that reminds them of their abuser in some way.  Not a lot of people are aware of this, & that may be the case with the person who says this to you.  Tell him or her.

“You’ll get over it,” “It could’ve been so much worse!” or, “Look for the positive in everything!”  Such comments are what I think of as toxic positivity.  While it is good to be positive, too positive is unhealthy.  It’s unrealistic which easily can lead to disappointment.  Comments like this also make a victim feel ashamed for still being affected by the trauma or needing to discuss it in order to heal.  Don’t waste your time talking about past trauma to people like this.  You’ll only end up hurt by their calloused words.

“At least he/she didn’t hit you!”  A common belief is that the only type of abuse is physical.  Anyone subjected to narcissistic abuse knows this is utter nonsense.  Emotional, mental, sexual, financial & spiritual abuse are all horrific forms of abuse.  They simply don’t leave the clearly visible scars that physical abuse does.  The uneducated need to be aware of this, including the person who says this to you..  You can also tell them that PTSD & C-PTSD are physical damage done to the brain by exposure to abuse & trauma.

“What did you do to make him/her treat you that way?”  This invalidating & shaming statement is so common!  It makes victims feel responsible for the terrible things their abuser did to them, & that is utterly wrong!  No one can make another person abuse them, period, no matter what they do or don’t do.  Did Jack the Ripper’s victims do anything to make him kill them?  What about Ted Bundy’s victims?  No.  These men saw an opportunity & took advantage of it.  Their victims did nothing to deserve what these killers did to them.  This is a point which you can bring up to the person who says such a disgusting statement.

“You should be more patient with him/her!”  No.  Just no.  The more patient you are with an abuser, the more they will abuse you because they see that you will tolerate a lot.  It could help to ask this person why should anyone be understanding with someone who repeatedly hurts them & shows no desire to improve their behavior?

“You should be more careful when picking your romantic partners!”  This statement is nothing but victim blaming.  What the heartless person saying this fails to realize yet needs to know is abusers can come across any way they like – very charming, kind, compassionate, romantic, successful.  They rarely are abusive monsters 24/7.  If they were, no one would get involved with them because it would be clear what they were really like.  They lure victims in by appearing to be much better people than they truly are.  While this seems like common sense, unfortunately it isn’t.  The person who says this statement to you needs to be educated!  Tell them this!

Unfortunately, there always will be people who don’t understand what it’s like to survive abuse.  There also will be people who want to silence victims, no matter how much or little they discuss their experiences.  The more you heal, the less these people will bother you, I’m happy to say.  I also hope this post has helped you to learn some ways to deal with these people!  xoxo

Validating Yourself

Everyone needs validation. It’s simply a built in human need that God gave us all.

For those of us who survived narcissistic abuse, invalidation was a way of life, so it’s only natural that we crave validation more than the average person. We want to be heard & understood for a change! The problem with this is so many people don’t offer us the validation we crave. Instead, they make excuses for the narcissist, don’t want to listen to our stories or tell us things like we’re just angry, we need to let it go or other similar heartless comments.

You also can’t count on gaining validation from your abuser. It is the very rare abusive person who goes to a victim, admits that what they did was wrong, ask for forgiveness & makes appropriate changes in their behavior. Sure, some do apologize at some point, but their failure to change their behavior & either accept full responsibility or failure to stop blaming others for their behavior proves that they aren’t being genuine. The abusive behavior will continue & they don’t care about the pain & suffering they caused victims. They only apologize as an attempt to pacify a victim, not because they want to improve the relationship.

Situations like these are a very good reminder that you can’t rely on getting all the validation you need from outside sources. People are flawed, & they will fail to give you the validation you want & need sometimes. You have to learn to validate yourself instead of relying on others, which is where your healing truly begins.

As always I recommend starting this with prayer. Ask God to help you to learn how to validate yourself, rely less on validation from outside sources & even to give you validation.

You also need to accept the fact people won’t always give you the validation you need. Remind yourself often that people aren’t perfect, & they will fail you sometimes. It’s just a part of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or they don’t love you. They are simply flawed human beings like every single other human being.

You also need to accept that your abuser won’t accept responsibility for the pain he or she caused you either. That type of validation most likely never will happen. You know what happened, & that truly is good enough. Even if no one else believes you, it really can be enough when you know the truth.

What people often refer to as feeling sorry for yourself is what I think of as showing yourself compassion, & it’s something you need to do. You have been through some pretty bad things, & it’s ok to admit that both to others & to yourself. Stop minimizing your experiences & your pain! You’re only invalidating yourself by doing that!

Never compare your situation to others. Doing so often leads to thoughts like, “Well that person had it way worse than me. I shouldn’t complain.” That is so wrong & also very self invalidating! Don’t do it! Trauma is trauma. So what if someone went through worse things than you did? You went through much worse than someone else did, too. Does any of that make any difference? You need to focus on your situation & ways to heal, not whether it’s better or worse than other people’s situations.

Stop judging your feelings, too. After abuse, it’s only natural to be angry or sad sometimes. It’s natural to have ruminating thoughts about certain especially painful situations or to wonder why the abuser did what they did to you. Don’t criticize yourself for thinking these things. Accept that they’re just a normal part of the healing journey.

With a little time & practice, you can learn to be your own best “validator.” You won’t regret learning this skill. In fact, I’m certain you’ll be glad you did! xoxo

If Someone Hasn’t Proven Themselves Safe, They May Be Proving Themselves Dangerous

I was thinking about something not long ago. In October, 2017, my father died. His final twenty days, he was in the hospital, connected to a ventilator. We were no contact by this time, so my “family” decided that not only did they need to tell me this, they needed to harass & try to bully me into saying goodbye multiple times a day, every day.

I deleted & blocked access to the worst of the worst of my relatives, the ones who constantly bothered me. Some others I left the door open for contact. We remained Facebook friends & I didn’t block their phone numbers back then. Not one of them contacted me during that time or after my father’s passing.

At the time, I thought their behavior meant they were safe, but I later realized something. Although they hadn’t proven themselves to be completely toxic & unsafe, they also hadn’t proven themselves safe either.

In situations where you are unsure about whether or not a person is safe, it’s very important to figure the issue out!

Sometimes you simply don’t know a person very well, so they don’t feel comfortable discussing certain topics with you. In all fairness, that could have been the situation with my relatives. I never was very close with most people in my family, so I didn’t know them terribly well. Anyway the closeness or lack thereof in the relationship should be taken into consideration when attempting to decide if a person is truly safe or unsafe.

If the person in question is a relative, I feel it can be important to know their immediate family & the relationship they have with them. That can be very telling. In my situation, the people were part of a branch of the family that was pretty enmeshed with each other. No one spoke up to their mother. Whatever she wanted, thought or believed was right, period. In fact, I saw only one person stand up to her one time about what I thought was a trivial matter & oddly, she never said anything in return. The incident did show me how much anger this person had inside, though, which unsettled me.

If the immediate family of the person in question is dysfunctional, you can guarantee the person also will be. The type of dysfunction is very important. Someone can be dysfunctional but trying to heal & change while also being kind & gentle. Yet, other dysfunctional people can be oblivious to just how dysfunctional they are, & they live their life out of that dysfunction, causing pain & chaos to others. This is how my family members are. They think they are functional & pretend any past trauma never happened. They live in their dysfunction in a self righteous manner. A person who doesn’t face their own dysfunction like this is going to be toxic to others to some degree. They may be invalidating to someone who mentions past trauma, saying things like it wasn’t so bad or it’s in the past so you need to let it go. Or, they may be outright cruel & say or do whatever they can to shut that person down. Clearly, people like this are unsafe & need to be avoided!

Another thing to consider.. if the person in question is close to someone who is actively abusive to you, it’s a very safe bet whatever you say to them will get back to the active abuser. It may simply be said in passing without ill intent, or it may be very deliberate on their part. Either way, abusers have absolutely NO need to know anything whatsoever about the people they abuse. Chances are they will use the information to cause suffering to their victim. Even if they don’t, I believe their toxic behavior has caused them to lose all right to know anything about their victim. So, even if the person doesn’t show obvious signs of being toxic, at the very least, it is likely they will mention you to your abuser.

I hope these tips will help you to surround yourself with only safe, good people! xoxo

How People Revictimize Survivors Of Narcissistic Abuse

When People Invalidate Your Pain

Today’s post is a reminder for everyone who has been invalidated…

Your pain is real, & there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that pain.  You aren’t crazy, stupid, weak, “wallowing”, living in the past, looking for attention or whatever other invalidating things you have been told.  You have no reason to feel shame for what you’re feeling.  Other people have no right to judge you.  They aren’t you & they haven’t experienced the things that you have experienced.  How can they say that you should or shouldn’t feel what you feel?!  They can’t!

You, Dear Reader, are just fine.  I know it may not feel that way, but it’s true.

Anyone who has survived narcissistic abuse is going to have some issues as a result.  It’s just what happens due to the horrible nature of the abuse.  Admittedly it, well, it sucks, but it’s also unavoidable.  People lacking compassion & empathy fail to understand this.  Or, they may see you dealing with your own pain & it serves as a reminder of their pain that they are working hard to ignore.  That is why many people invalidate others- to shut them down so they don’t have to face their own issues & pain.

You’ve survived a lot, & if others can’t understand that or feel they must hurt you for it, they obviously have some problems!  You hold your head up high & ignore the invalidating jerks!  You go on, doing what you need to do to heal, & pay no attention to the invalidators of the world.  You have survived so much, you can survive a person who doesn’t possess the humanity to display basic respect & love for a fellow human being!

Types Of Invalidation

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

 

If you have been in an abusive relationship of any type- whether the relationship was emotionally, physically, sexually or narcissistic abusive- then you have experienced invalidation.  Invalidation is when your feelings are mocked, judged or rejected.  It is done  to make you feel as if you are wrong, weird, abnormal or extremely flawed.  It is done in order to gain control.  When invalidation is done in childhood, the child grows up not trusting her feelings, & lacking in self confidence.

 

There are many ways to invalidate someone.  Some examples are:

• Telling someone not to feel the way they do.
• Calling someone harsh names like oversensitive, drama queen, worry wort, crybaby, etc.
• Mocking someone for feeling a certain way.
• Leading one to believe there is something wrong with them for feeling as they do.
• Telling someone to look differently (example: “Stop looking so sad”).
• Minimizing another’s feelings.
• Isolating another, such as saying “No one else would be bothered by this- what’s wrong with you?”
• Defending those who hurt or abuse you.

 

I believe there are other ways to invalidate someone that are much more subtle & insidious, & they do just as much harm as the more overt types of invalidating.  Unfortunately, they seem to be so commonplace in society that I don’t believe many people even pay them any attention.  Some examples are:

• Not asking someone “how are you?” during the course of a conversation.  This clearly says, “I really don’t care how you’re doing.”  Granted during times of crisis, many people simply forget to ask another this question due to being caught up in the trying situation.  However, many people do this on a regular basis, no matter what the circumstances are.
• Talking nonstop about yourself.  This sends the message, “I am much more important than you!  Don’t waste my time talking to me about you!”  In a healthy relationship, there are times where it is one-sided.  One friend is going through a crisis & the other friend is offering a listening ear & support.  That happens sometimes & is completely normal.  What is not normal, however, is when one person only talks about himself or herself & doesn’t care enough to ask the other person questions about his/her life.  This is a red flag for narcissistic personality disorder!
• Interrupting constantly.  Not only is it rude, but it tells the other person that what you have to say is really much more important, & they need to just stop talking.
• Changing the topic of conversation frequently when someone else is talking.  Is what you have to say so vitally important that you can’t let the other person finish what he or she is saying?  Does what you have to say need to be said right this moment?  If not, then let the other person have their say.
• Offering unasked for advice & opinions.  This is a major pet peeve of mine.  It is rude & presumptuous, & it sends the message that the one giving the advice or offering the opinion is much smarter than the person receiving it.  It’s hurtful!  Are your thoughts really so valuable that the other person simply can’t go on living without hearing them?
• If you don’t agree with someone’s opinion or support them, keep that to yourself or express it in a respectful way when the time is appropriate.  This is something I deal with often with having C-PTSD, & it really is frustrating!  People who don’t understand this disorder or want to learn anything about it often think it means I am dwelling in the past, unforgiving, not thinking positively, etc.  Hearing statements like these hurt me greatly, because not only are people who say such things are trivializing the potentially life-threatening disorder I live with daily & the trauma I have endured, but they are also acting as if I am stupid for not seeing what they believe to be an obvious easy solution to this problem.  This insensitivity doesn’t just pertain to mental disorders, though.  Politics is another topic where I see this happening.  So many people have extremly strong feelings on politics, & believe that if other people don’t share their views, they are stupid, naive, foolish, etc. & don’t mind letting those people know that.  It is ridiculous!  People have different views- what is the problem with that?  Everyone is entitled to their opinion & to have it respected.  If you can’t understand someone’s opinion or painful situation, how about trying to understand it?  Or at least not judge or criticize them if you absolutely can’t understand.

 

I would like to encourage you to please consider your actions.  Don’t invalidate others or tolerate it from other people!  It is painful & frustrating to experience, not to mention invalidation tears away at one’s self-confidence.  When it happens often, it makes you feel as if you don’t matter to anyone, & that your thoughts & feelings are unimportant, wrong or even flawed beyond repair.  No one should experience that pain!

More information regarding invalidation (including a free ebook on the topic) is available at my website, http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com