Good afternoon, Dear Readers! I hope this post finds you enjoying your Sunday!
A little while ago, I was reading some posts in a facebook group for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. One stood out to me. One lady spoke of feeling so guilty for not loving her mother. It was very sad. It reminded me of some things I’ve been pondering lately so I put the thoughts together & shared them with the group. I thought I would share what I wrote here, too. I hope it helps you! I know growing up with an abusive parent or parents is a horrible, horrible thing. It’s so painful well past childhood. If you haven’t read it yet on my website, I grew up with a narcissistic mother, & to this day, at 41 years old, still have problems from my childhood, such as flashbacks. When I have to deal with her, my anxiety levels go through the roof. You can read some of my story here:
http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/My_Personal_Experience.htm
For more detailed information, I wrote “Emerging From The Chrysalis” a few months ago. It’s the story of my life. It is available for sale on my website at:
http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com
Below is the post I mentioned that I wanted to share with you. I pray it blesses you!
I was thinking after reading the post about feeling guilty for not loving her mother. Something that’s been in my mind for a little while now came to the surface & I wanted to share.
It seems like we all question ourselves so much. What’s wrong with me for not loving my mother? Am I crazy? Why do I cry so much? What’s wrong with me? <– just a few examples. Truthfully, we are a bit different, let’s admit it. Not saying that as a bad thing at all, it’s just we grew up in very abnormal situations instead of healthy ones. A child’s formative years are so very important, & when you have poison constantly pumped into you during that time, you’re going to grow up a bit skewed! Why not accept that fact? It doesn’t mean we’re crazy/wrong/etc. It just means we survived very bad circumstances. At least we’re trying to improve ourselves & not abuse others like our mothers did. Why can’t we just accept ourselves as we are, while continuing to try to heal? Beating ourselves up doesn’t do any good, & besides, our mothers did enough of that to last a lifetime!
Also, let’s keep the blame where it belongs- ON THEM!!! NOT on us!! Not saying anything that goes wrong in life is Mom’s fault of course, but if you’re angry with your mother or you battle depression or anxiety, instead of being frustrated with yourself, why not admit that the root cause of it is Mom?? It’s ok! She caused it, she should be blamed for it! You also shouldn’t carry the shame for her actions! Just because she feels nothing for hurting you doesn’t mean you should carry the emotions she should be feeling!
Remember too that your reaction was normal considering what an abnormal situation you were in! Shoot, I have anxiety in public places sometimes, flashbacks & more thanks to my mother- I was ashamed of it until I realized I have nothing to be ashamed of! I’m not crazy! I am someone who survived head games & gaslighting & all kinds of abuse. Who WOULDN’T have problems after surviving that mess?!
I guess the point of all this is please STOP beating yourselves up ladies. No, you’re not perfect, but who is? If you think something in you is so deeply flawed for whatever problem you’re facing as a result of the abuse you suffered, think about something- if a friend came to you with this exact problem, what would you tell her? She’s messed up/stupid/crazy/wrong?? If you wouldn’t say that to a friend, why would you tell it to yourself??
Ok, getting off the soapbox now.. sorry this turned out to be so long. I just felt I should share this with you.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 