Growing up with a narcissistic mother, you learn early on that certain things are facts. You have no right to have any opinion, feelings or needs, you are here to be used, you are fat/skinny/ugly/stupid as a few examples. Hearing these things so often, especially when said with such conviction, you come to accept them as the absolute truth.
Eventually you learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Finally, you have an answer to what has been wrong all these years, & lo & behold, it isn’t you! You begin the long healing journey to repair so much damage.
Sometimes though, as you’re healing, you have backwards moments. During those times you’ll slip into old, familiar yet very dysfunctional behaviors. You may feel an incredible sense of doubt. Is what you’ve learned wrong? Is it really the truth or is it a lie? It feels like a lie, because you’re going against things that your narcissistic mother ingrained so deeply in you.
I often go through feeling like what I’m learning is a lie. It’s really annoying & very hard! It involves a lot of false guilt, because I feel like a part of me is betraying my mother for rejecting what she worked so hard to instill in me. I can feel like I’m betraying my mother, too, by even discussing my experiences since she was so adamant about me staying quiet. It also produces a lot of anxiety because of stepping so far out of my comfort zone. Often, it even produces nightmares too.
When these times happen, I’ve found the most important thing to do is accept the fact that these times happen. There is no point in beating yourself up over them, because they are natural. Like I’ve said many times, healing isn’t like a straight, concrete path. It’s more like a very twisty, rocky path through the woods with many peaks & valleys.
You’ll need to confront the false beliefs that are rearing their ugly little heads, too. Ask God to tell you the truth. “Please Father, tell me the truth. What I learned- is it a lie like my mother would say it is?” “Should I feel guilty for believing these new things?” “Is it ok for me to talk about what happened to me?” He will tell you the truth. Even if you have to ask over & over again, He won’t lose patience with you & will tell you the truth repeatedly if that is what you need.
Always keep God in control of your healing. He will lead you to the right information as you need it & are able to handle it. He will not guide you wrong! Trust that, & when your trust wavers some, ask God to give you more faith, to help your unbelief.
Music is surprisingly helpful too. Listen to whatever empowers you, & do it often. I love classic rock, hard rock, heavy metal & Southern rock for empowering music.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 