People Can Say Cruel Things When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying Or Has Died

Three years ago on the 23rd of this month, my father died.  Naturally the date gets me thinking of that terrible time.  I thought I would share some thoughts that might help others who have been or will be in a similar situation.

When a narcissistic parent dies, it’s highly likely that you are NOT going to be prepared for what you feel.  I certainly wasn’t.  When my father died in October, 2017, I was sad, but I felt that I’d grieved him enough while he was alive that there wasn’t much left.  Yet, when my mother died just shy of eighteen months later, I was utterly devastated.  I have spoken with other adult children of narcissistic parents who felt nothing when their parents died or only felt relief.  I also have met others whose reactions lay somewhere in the middle of devastated & numb.  All reactions are normal in such an abnormal situation.

What makes this difficult time even more difficult is other people.  The death or even pending death of a narcissistic parent seems to make most people think they need to share their opinions on your situation with you, whether or not you want to hear it.

As narcissistic parents age, their adult children often hear things like, “Your parent is getting old.. you shouldn’t be so hard on him or her.” or, “You haven’t spoken to your parent in how long?!  How do you think you’re going to feel when your parent dies?”  Yet, no one ever asks narcissistic parents anything like this.  They should ask these people not to be so hard on their children or how they think they will feel if they die without trying to make amends with their children.  This never happens though.

This baffles me.  Why do abusive parents get a free pass?  Why is it supposedly the job of their victims, their own children, to make them feel that it’s ok they were abusive jerks?  Everything is supposed to be the responsibility of their children all their lives, including at the time of the parents’ death.  Why is that anyway?  In fact, when my father was dying, one of my cousins told me I needed to say good bye to him so he could die in peace.  Such unadulterated gall isn’t it?  Not only because she barely knew me (& him too for that matter), but to try to put such a big burden on me that wasn’t even my burden to bear!

Such thoughtless & rude comments make the time surrounding a narcissistic parent’s death even more difficult than it already is.  When you’re in a difficult place, your emotions are more sensitive & even raw than usual.  Dealing with comments like these can be rough at this particular time, even if you could ignore them any other time.

When in such a situation, you need to remember that you are in a bad situation.  It’s normal to feel upset by stupid, insensitive & cruel comments but it’s especially normal to feel overly upset considering the circumstances you’re in at the time.  Remind yourself of that.  You’re ok!  Really!

Also remind yourself that what these people say isn’t necessarily true or accurate at all.  Everyone has their own opinions & see things through the lens of their own experiences.  They see things differently than you, so their opinions may not be valuable to you.  There are also people in the world who are evil, & are more than happy to hurt others.  Many of those people are flying monkeys who blindly support even the most malignant narcissists.  Whichever the case, don’t blindly accept what other’s say!  Consider what they say before accepting their words as true or false.

Lastly, cling to God.  You are going to need Him more than ever during this time.  He is the only reason I’ve gotten through the deaths of my parents with any sanity in tact, let alone thrived.  What He did for me, He will do for you as well.  xoxo

16 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

16 responses to “People Can Say Cruel Things When A Narcissistic Parent Is Dying Or Has Died

  1. annealcroft

    “Lastly, cling to God. You are going to need Him more than ever during this time. He is the only reason I’ve gotten through the deaths of my parents with any sanity in tact, let alone thrived. What He did for me, He will do for you as well. xoxo”

    A hunter kills his prey by wielding multiple blows. At this point in my life I believe this is exactly how the narcissists operates.

    When I reached the point in my late fifties that I realized if I did not turn my life over completely to Jesus Christ, I was not going to make it. This was the result of coming to terms with the fact that my father is a malignant narcissist who, now with open eyes, I realize to this day is trying to kill me. This is the plight of the narcississt — to kill their victim.

    These people are blood-thirsty and evil. They are immoral, their hearts have turned to stone, and they do NOT believe in God.

    As Cynthia often points out, they manage to arrange their legion of flying monkeys who carry their coattails until they are no longer useful for the narcissist and suddenly they find themselves trying to figure out what happened! Narcissism and co-dependency go hand-in-hand because the narcissist manipulates the evils of codependency to control their victim(s). First we make them dependent by making them feel special, entitled, privileged, and loved. When the victim falls for the ruse, suddenly they find themselves completely dependent upon the narcissist, who begins to condemn you, their victim, for having fallen in love with the fake sense of security they’ve provided you: Give it with one hand, and take it away with the other.

    It wasn’t until I put God FIRST, always, and completely, that I began to see with eyes wide open how hideously evil the narcissist is.

    It is true as Cynthia says that there will be family members who balk at what appears to be our indifference. To them I say, “Forgive them God, they know not what they do.” Anyone who sincerely seeks God will see clearly the hideous evils of the narcissist and how they operate, and if they do see clearly, they will support you in your journey toward healing and the salvation of your soul. The ones who don’t aren’t worth the powder to blow ’em to hell.

    Jesus Christ came here to teach us that this lifetime is not a la-la land of good times. People who are bone dead lazy find it easier to sell their souls to Satan and follow the masses who will do anything to be cool rather then find the determination to learn who Jesus Christ, Who has endured for over two thousand years, REALLY is. How they deprive themselves of the most magnificent gift imaginable.

    Instead they seek to fill their void with cheap thrills; sex, money, entertainment, food, and all the superficial nothingness that leads to nowhere. If we were as scrupulous about our morals as we are about a virus hatched in a biolab, we wouldn’t be walking around with diapers over our nose.

    Whatever you do, all of you who suffer under the narcissist in your life, throw yourself so completely into knowing and loving Jesus Christ that you will find there is no turning back on your healing journey. Amen.

    This lifetime is filled with strife. The Bible is our Key to Heaven if, that is, we are willing to accept His truth and work to be obedient and accepting of His Holy will for our life, as He created us. Think about it.

    Thank you, Cynthia, for another wonderful post.

    Like

  2. annealcroft

    “When a narcissistic parent dies, it’s highly likely that you are NOT going to be prepared for what you feel. I certainly wasn’t. When my father died in October, 2017, I was sad, but I felt that I’d grieved him enough while he was alive that there wasn’t much left. Yet, when my mother died just shy of eighteen months later, I was utterly devastated.”

    Three years since the deaths of both parents is not a long time at all. The absolute finality and shock of losing a parent is devastating, but both so close together is monumental.

    So often when I read your posts, Cynthia, it is clear that you have suffered much more than most people could realize to be able to understand the healing process and the important need to draw close to God in order to persevere through that process.

    It seems that for a daughter, the death of her mother has a very profound impact because we are her flesh and blood.

    With each passing year and anniversary, the death of our mother takes on a life of its own. And it doesn’t need to be any other way. That is why it is so important for people to open their hearts about who the Blessed Mother is and why the sanctity of motherhood is critical for the future of the human race. Amen.

    Blessings, Dear Cynthia. Thank you so much for all you do.

    AA

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Anne (again!)

      I really believe God is the only reason I haven’t lost every ounce of sanity I have. You know how it is dealing with narcissists- they drive you to the brink & will gladly push you over. Even after they’re out of your life, the fight for sanity is still there. When they die, it really is there because the conflicting feelings can make you feel utterly insane. God is the only one who can keep a person from going over the edge, even during that dreadful time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • annealcroft

        “God is the only one who can keep a person from going over the edge, even during that dreadful time.”

        The devil dances when he thinks he has driven us to the brink of insanity.

        One of the very weird aspects of spiritual warfare is that it seems narcissistic abuse takes on an unending life of its own, even after the narcissist dies. Narcissism is of the devil, and he devil thinks he can make us forget about God. That is the pitfall the narcissist falls into — letting Satan win.

        Those determined to defeat the devil and survive narcissism God protects. The Love of God is magnificent.

        Blessings, Dear Cynthia! What a strong, courageous, and remarkable lady you are! Thank you for all you do.

        Liked by 1 person

        • YES!! God’s love is truly magnificent!!

          It’s funny in a sense… what Satan means to destroy us, narcissistic abuse, often drives us into God’s arms. Talk about a plan backfiring!

          Thank you so much for what you said! You’re very sweet! ❤

          Like

  3. ibikenyc

    I hope you’re doing okay at this anniversary time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ❤ I am. It's been a rough one this year for some reason but I'm ok. Sadly, not even missing my father- I grieved him plenty before he died. I'm just so angry at my family for their behavior when he was dying.

      Liked by 3 people

      • ibikenyc

        Awww ❤

        Everything I can think of to say sounds like a dismissive platitude.

        {{{HUGS}}}

        Liked by 2 people

      • annealcroft

        When family members we’ve cared about all our life betray and belittle us without giving us the advantage of learning our side of the story, it’s very difficult not to feel angry.

        Oddly, a death in the family brings out the true colors in others — sooner or later.

        Like

        • It is, especially when there was no warning, just suddenly they are flying monkeys.

          That is so true.. death really does bring out the true colors in family members, good or bad.

          Liked by 1 person

          • annealcroft

            Yep. It does seem that of the blue they become flying monkeys. But then again, when we really think about it, the ones who surface as flying monkeys aren’t really that big of a surprise after all. We maybe even always knew they were that way but hoped we were wrong. But sure enough, yep, they show their true colors. Weren’t the flying monkeys green?

            Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s