Habits Of Those Who Grow Up With Emotionally Incestuous Parents

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, parentification, & parentalizing is a form of abuse that occurs when a parent uses their child for emotional support & companionship beyond what is appropriate.  This can lead to a host of negative consequences for the child, including the development of maladaptive coping mechanisms & difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.  Today we’ll be discussing some of the most common ways in which adult children of emotional incest are affected.

Adult children of emotional incest often feel a sense of responsibility for fixing everyone & everything around them.  This can manifest in a variety of ways, from feeling like it’s their job to fix other people’s moods & problems to obsessing over minor details & feeling overwhelmed by imperfection.  This trait is often born out of the child’s experience of being the emotional support for their parent, leading them to believe that they are responsible for keeping everyone’s emotions in check.

One way that this manifests is in a tendency to panic when things aren’t perfect.  For example, someone may become extremely anxious if a party they are hosting doesn’t go exactly as planned, or if they perceive that someone is upset with them for any reason.  This can lead to a lot of stress & anxiety, as well as a tendency to engage in people-pleasing behaviors in an attempt to keep everything running smoothly.

Another manifestation of the fixer mentality is a focus on minor details, rather than the big picture.  Someone who struggles with this may spend hours obsessing over the perfect font for a presentation, rather than focusing on the content itself. 

Another common trait of adult children of emotional incest is a struggle with boundaries.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, it can be difficult for the child to learn how to say no & set healthy boundaries.  This leads to a variety of negative consequences, including a tendency to take on too much responsibility & difficulty admitting when they have needs or are struggling.

For example, someone who struggles with boundaries may find themselves taking on responsibility for other people’s problems, even when it is not their place to do so.  This naturally leads to burnout & a feeling of being overwhelmed, as well as resentment towards the people they are trying to help.

Adult children of emotional incest also struggle to ask for help when they need it.  This stems from a belief that their needs are not important, or that they should be able to handle everything on their own.  This belief leads to a feeling of isolation & a tendency to push people away, as well as difficulty forming close relationships.

Another common trait of adult children of emotional incest is a tendency to over-apologize.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, the child may learn to take responsibility for things that are not their fault.  This leads to a belief that they are always in the wrong, even when they have done nothing to cause the problem.

For example, someone who struggles with over-apologizing may find themselves apologizing for things that are not their fault, such as the weather or a traffic jam, which leads to a feeling of being constantly on edge, as well as a tendency to blame themselves for things that are outside of their control.

Additionally, over-apologizing can lead to a lack of trust in oneself.  When someone is always apologizing, it can be difficult for them to believe in their own abilities & judgment.  This can lead to a feeling of being stuck, as well as difficulty making decisions & taking action.

Finally, adult children of emotional incest also struggle with validation seeking.  When a parent relies on their child for emotional support, the child may learn to seek validation from others in order to feel worthy & loved, which naturally leads to a tendency to prioritize others’ feelings over their own, as well as putting too much weight on other people’s opinions & approval.

For example, someone who struggles with validation seeking may find themselves constantly seeking approval from their boss, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.  This can lead to a feeling of being stuck in a job they hate, as well as a tendency to feel resentful towards the people they are trying to please.

Additionally, validation seeking also leads to a lack of self-acceptance.  When someone is constantly seeking validation from others, it can be difficult for them to accept themselves for who they are. 

Adult children of emotional incest face a variety of challenges as they navigate the world.  However, with awareness & support, it is possible to overcome these challenges & develop healthy coping mechanisms that lead to a fulfilling & satisfying life.