The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

For Those Who Grew Up With Covert And Overt Narcissistic Parents In The Same Home

Covert narcissists can be so much more challenging to identify than overt narcissists.  Overt narcissists are so loud & obvious that they are easy to spot.  Covert narcissists are much slyer, subtle & quiet with their abuse. 

For the child with one overt narcissistic parent & the other a covert narcissist, it can be especially challenging.  Anyone compared to the loud, raging parent seems good by comparison.  This works out very well for the covert narcissist parent.  The child naturally prefers them & is willing to do anything to please them. 

To insure their child keeps them as the preferred parent, often times, that parent will shower them with praise.  That child can do no wrong.  A child who is starving for a parent’s love & affection will crave this. 

The covert narcissist parent also confides in the child about their relationship problems with the other parent.  They may even convince the child that he or she needs to protect them from the other parent, while never suggesting that they protect the child.

The child in this situation is naturally drawn even more to that parent, creating a larger wedge between them & their other parent.  This provides narcissistic supply to the covert narcissistic parent, because they are known to their child as the good parent.

This behavior continues for years until that child shows some hints of independence.  Suddenly, the pedestal that child has been on all her life begins to wobble.  That loving parent who was so full of praise suddenly starts making a few negative comments.  It is baffling to the child, especially when it becomes more & more frequent.  Then one day, the mask comes off entirely, & that child realizes their “good” parent is just as bad as their “bad” parent.

This happened in my situation.  My entire childhood, my father showered me with praise & wouldn’t tell me no.  Both of my parents confided in me about their marital woes, but my father did it even more than my mother.  I honestly thought he & I had a great relationship & my mother was the real problem.

Suddenly one day when I was in my early 20’s, my father criticized my car.  That was the beginning of the end.  After that, he slowly became more critical of me, my husband, our home, our pets & friends too.

Eventually I learned about emotional incest, which clued me in to some of his behavior.  I started trying to set some boundaries with him, which he didn’t like.  He liked my boundaries even less when I set more & more boundaries after learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He would become angry & passive/aggressive when I set boundaries.  And, he barely let me speak when we had conversations.  This continued for a few years until I eventually went no contact with both of my parents.

If your situation is similar to mine, know you are not alone!  This is typical of people with one overt narcissistic parent & one covert.  I know it can make you feel like you’re going crazy but you aren’t!  This is simply what they do.  It is no reflection on you, but on their narcissism.  They can’t handle losing the control they once had over their children, & unlike overt narcissists, they won’t obviously show their rage.  They prefer to quietly tear apart their children to punish them for growing up.  Yes, this is truly ridiculous, but it is how they think. 

Please just remember what I have said.  No matter what your parent thinks, you haven’t done anything wrong by growing up, setting boundaries & having your own life.  Just keep doing what you need to do & let your parent be mad if they want.  Anyone mad at their own child for growing up clearly has serious problems!

Subtleties Of Covert Narcissism

Most information that is readily available about Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes overt narcissists.  They are the ones who are loud, openly critical, cruel & easier to identify.  Unfortunately, there isn’t nearly as much information available about their quieter & more sinister counterpart, covert narcissists.  Today I hope to help you understand them a bit better.

Covert narcissists are much more difficult to identify.  They are quieter than their loud counterparts, which helps them to fade quietly into the background.  While being narcissists, they naturally want attention, they will sacrifice some attention if it means they can abuse without confrontation.

They appear very nice & often quite naïve.  This makes it much harder to identify them.  It also creates cognitive dissonance, because it’s so hard to believe that a person who appears so nice & innocent is actually cruel, manipulative & downright sinister.

Covert narcissists get their attention in different, quieter & more subtle ways than their overt counterparts.  They give to the point of appearing martyr-like to their family, friends, job or church.  They “let it slip” how much they have done to help other people.  They paint pictures of themselves as very good, generous & caring people.  They may appear truly good, generous & caring but the truth is the admiration from this false image of themselves is all they want.  They truly don’t care about helping or doing for other people.

They are very passive/aggressive.  They will claim that everything is fine, they are happy with you, but they will do things that deliberately hurt you.  Covert narcissists are adept with using the silent treatment, using it to inflict the most pain possible, & leaving their victim feeling baffled not knowing why they are suddenly not worth the narcissist’s attention.  They conveniently “forget” important things, such as dates & events that are important to their victims.  They say or do hurtful things while claiming they didn’t know that what they said or did would hurt their victim or they were just trying to help.  This wicked behavior leaves victims feeling as if they can’t be mad at the narcissist because what they did was an honest mistake.  Meanwhile, victims suffer in silence.

In addition to being passive/aggressive, they are incredibly sneaky.  They quietly say things to their victims in the presence of other people that upset the victim, then when the victim reacts, they claim the victim is unstable, cruel or abusive.  No one else heard what was said, so they believe the narcissist over the irrational acting victim.  Or, they say & do the most hurtful things they can to their victims when no one else is around.  That way, if the victim talks about the abuse, they aren’t believed. 

They know just what to say to inflict the most pain on their victims.  Anything important to victims is going to be attacked by covert narcissists, & in such a way as to leave them plausible deniability if the victim gets angry.  They will claim they didn’t mean it as the victim took it, they were just trying to help or they were concerned.

If you meet someone that appears to be especially nice, who says & does all the “right” things, yet something feels off about this person, you may be in the presence of a covert narcissist.  Trust your instincts.  Something feels off about this person for a reason!  Pay attention to their behavior & watch your back.  Time will tell if this person is a covert narcissist or not. 

Don’t Let Holiday Traditions Become False Gods

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.

Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.

However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.

I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.

When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.

Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.

Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”

Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.

Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.

Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.

Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.

Unmasking The Ahab Spirit

The Ahab spirit is a toxic evil spirit that can influence or even possess people.  It appears as a toxic personality that often goes unnoticed due to its subtlety.  This blog post aims to shed light on the characteristics & behaviors of the Ahab spirit, exploring how it is just as toxic as the infamous Jezebel spirit, albeit in a quieter & more covert manner.

The Ahab spirit is a master manipulator that is highly skilled at using guilt & subtle tactics to control & manipulate others.  They often feign helplessness, portraying themselves as weak & incompetent, to gain pity & sympathy & also to encourage others to cater to their needs.  By adopting a passive & helpless persona, they frequently succeed in convincing others to take care of them in all kinds of ways.

The Ahab spirit also is extremely selfish & critical.  They may constantly find fault in others, criticizing their actions & behavior under the guise of false concern, while simultaneously shirking their own responsibilities.  This critical nature serves as a defense mechanism, deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings & inadequacies.  By using the façade of false concern, they also are able to make others think they are good people, who aren’t cruel but genuinely concerned about the person they are so harshly criticizing.

Despite lacking empathy, the Ahab spirit possesses a unique ability to fake it.  They may mimic empathy periodically to manipulate others & fulfill their own desires.  This calculated behavior allows them to maintain control over their surroundings & ensure their needs are met, all while appearing caring & concerned.

Another defining trait of the Ahab spirit is its sense of entitlement.  They believe they are deserving of preferential treatment & attention, expecting others to prioritize their needs at any cost.  This entitlement can manifest in various ways, such as expecting others to cater to their every whim or assuming that others should always be available to meet their needs.

Moreover, the Ahab spirit exhibits a lack of responsibility & maturity, resembling a perpetual child.  They rely heavily on others to handle their responsibilities & shield them from the consequences of their actions.  This irresponsibility further reinforces their dependency on others & perpetuates their “always a victim” act.

Interestingly, the Ahab spirit is frequently attracted to the Jezebel spirit, creating a toxic union.  This pairing appears to be a case of the long-suffering spouse (Ahab) enduring the awful behavior of their partner (Jezebel), but in reality, the Ahab spirit is just as toxic, if not more so, albeit in a quieter & more subtle manner.

If you are thinking that the Ahab spirit sounds like a covert narcissist, I fully agree with you!  I believe narcissistic behavior to be demonic.  This spirit guides the toxic & abusive behavior of covert narcissists, because, in my opinion they are either influenced or possessed by it.  Likewise I believe the Jezebel spirit influences overt narcissists, & will discuss that in a separate post.

Recognizing the Ahab spirit is crucial if one is to break away from it.  To do so, people must establish firm boundaries to reclaim their autonomy.  This involves recognizing & challenging the manipulative tactics employed by the Ahab spirit, such as guilt-tripping & shifting responsibility, as well as keeping a distance. 

The Ahab spirit may present itself as passive, helpless, & weak, but beneath this facade lies a toxic & manipulative personality.  Its subtlety allows it to fly under the radar, making it all the more insidious.  By recognizing its traits & behaviors, individuals can protect themselves from its harmful influence.

When One Parent Does Nothing While The Other Is Abusive

Many people who suffered childhood abuse tell a similar story.  One parent was obviously abusive.  They raged, screamed, beat &/or controlled their children & their spouse.  Their spouse was helpless to do anything to stop the abuse, as they too were a victim of the obviously abusive parent.  They often defend this parent to anyone who dares to criticize that parent, including the obviously abusive parent.

This was my story.  Growing up, my mother was clearly the parent in charge.  Not only in charge of me, but my father too.  As I got older & my mother’s abuse became worse, my father let me know that was my problem.  I remember one day confiding in him something private that I knew my mother would be furious about.  He patted me on my leg & left the room.  I knew in my gut that he was basically saying, “Wow.. sucks to be you!  You’re on your own!”  At the time, I chalked it up to him being under her control as much as I was.  A few years later, when her abuse hit its peak with me, he often told me it was so hard on him, & there was nothing he could do to help me.

It wasn’t until I was almost 40 did I realize how wrong this was!

No parent should betray their child by siding with anyone who deliberately hurts their child for any reason, & this includes their spouse.  Siding with that person doesn’t necessarily mean holding the child down while that person abuses them either.  Defending or excusing their behavior is just as bad, & does just as much damage.  If that parent also claims to be a helpless victim like their child, that makes a terrible situation even worse, & causes a tremendous amount of damage to a child.

This toxic situation causes a child to focus all of their anger on their obviously abusive parent & protect the supposed victim parent no matter what it costs them.  And it will cost them dearly!  Their abusive parent may hurt them even more for defending that parent.  The parent they protect will use their devotion to take advantage of them.  These victimized parents know that their victim role gains them whatever they want from their children, & many of them will use that knowledge to manipulate & control their children so subtly, that their children rarely see it, even as adults.

This situation also causes trouble with the child’s relationships.  It’s hard to be friends with someone who constantly wants their parent to tag along when you two are supposed to go somewhere together.  Dating or marrying someone with this type of relationship is even harder.  No one wants an intrusive mother or father in-law butting into their marriage, & constantly making demands of their spouse.  Feeling like a lower priority to your spouse than their parent is a horrible feeling! 

It also takes a toll on a person’s mental health.  Depression, anxiety, guilt, shame & anger are normal after this type of abuse.  Admitting one parent was abusive is hard enough.  Admitting both parents are is an entirely different level of suffering. 

Most people can’t see the truth about the supposed victimized parent in these situations.  They make things worse by telling the child to take care of their parent or they don’t know what that parent would do without them.

As painful as it may be, you must face the truth of your situation.  It’s going to be difficult, but it is less difficult than continuing to wear blinders.  The truth will help you to be mentally healthier.  The truth really does set us free in so many ways! 

And, if you’re still in a relationship with your parents or live with them, then learn all you can about ways to deal with them that protects your mental health & relationships.  Set boundaries on what you will & won’t do for them.  Change the subject if they start trying to involve you in their marriage.  Hang up the phone or leave the room.  My website, www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com has information on this topic.  Most of all pray.  Ask God for creative & effective ways to deal with your parents.  With His help, you can handle this situation!

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

Life With An Enmeshed Spouse

Being with someone who is enmeshed with their family is a miserable experience.  Their family always comes before you, no matter what.  This means that if you are sick & so is your spouse’s parent, they will be the one to receive your spouse’s attention & help, even if their illness isn’t serious & yours is.  If you have plans for a romantic anniversary next Saturday but your in-laws want a ceiling fan installed, that fan gets installed before you can spend time together.

When a person’s spouse is part of an enmeshed family, their family takes up almost all the space in the relationship.  This is ungodly, unbiblical & it’s dangerous to your marriage.  Toxic in-laws & dysfunctional spouses who refuse to see the situation for what it is are responsible for a lot of divorces.  A quick internet search I did suggested 20-28% of divorces are due to in-law problems.

One of the saddest problems of having an enmeshed spouse is how you shrink yourself.  You learn quickly that your in-laws always come first over you, & that asking your spouse to do things for or with you burdens them &/or starts an argument.  Shrinking yourself is a natural side effect of this lifestyle.  You stop complaining because it doesn’t help.  Your spouse soon realizes that you won’t ask them to do things for or with you often, so they have more time to do whatever they want for their enmeshed family.  They also feel validated for their behavior being ok, because you stopped complaining, so they continue to focus on their family.  You also love your spouse so you naturally have no desire to burden them further.  They already have more than enough to do, what with catering to their demanding family, & it’s very obvious that isn’t going to change.  Rather than put more on them, it’s only natural to avoid asking your spouse for things & taking care of everything yourself.  Sadly this well meaning gesture makes a person shrink more & more until they are a shell of their former self. 

Shrinking yourself means losing sight of some pretty wonderful things.

You lose sight of the realization that your life is yours, & no one else should have such power over it.  Your spouse may want to sacrifice his or her life for them, but you don’t have to.

You lose sight of the fact that you have every right to have needs, & expect your spouse to meet some of those needs.  You aren’t wrong, selfish or demanding for wanting to spend time with your spouse or expecting this person to keep you as their top priority.

You lose sight of yourself, & all the wonderful things that make you, you.  You, in fact, lose yourself.  By trying so hard to be a good spouse by not adding any further responsibilities to your spouse, you shrink yourself so much that you are no longer you.  I know, I have done this!  I also can tell you that it’s no way to live.  God made you as He did for valid reasons.  Don’t let that special, wonderful person He made go any longer!  Get that person back!  It will take time & effort, but you can do it with His help!

Also remember, you can’t change your spouse.  They have to want to change & put forth the effort to make healthy changes.  You can set the stage for them to change by having healthy boundaries & giving reasonable consequences for their behavior, but whether or not they change is up to them, not you.  What is up to you is deciding whether or not you are willing to live this way, & if you want to stay with your spouse.

Lastly never forget that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & courtesy by your spouse.  Wanting such things doesn’t make you demanding, badgering or even “too much.”  It makes you a human being aware of what they deserve.

Narcissists Hide Their Toxic Behavior

An especially challenging aspect of narcissistic abuse is the constant lack of witnesses.  They are very skilled when it comes to hiding their behavior from everyone other than their victims.  This behavior can be so frustrating, because as a victim, you want & need other people to see the horrors that the narcissist is putting you through.  Knowing others see what you do helps you to feel validated & also less like you are imagining everything.  It can be so grounding when someone else sees the problem, which is incredibly helpful since narcissists love to convince their victims that what they did wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t happen as the victim remembered it, it was completely normal, it was the victim’s fault or it didn’t even happen.

Unfortunately, these are the same exact reasons that narcissists try to hide their behavior.

If you are struggling with a narcissist abusing you right now & are frustrated because everyone else sees that same person as a great person, you’re not alone.  I would bet that every single victim of narcissistic abuse has struggled with this issue.  And naturally, as a result it can make you wonder if you’re overreacting, being too sensitive or even imagining the abuse.  Today I want you to know that none of that is true.  You are NOT overreacting.  You are NOT oversensitive.  You also are NOT imagining the abuse.  It is real & it is horrible.  Just because no one else sees it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real or horrible!

Narcissists hide their abusive ways because they know that what they are doing is absolutely wrong.  The problem is that even though they know this, they don’t care enough about hurting their victims to stop their cruel behavior.  It gets them whatever it is that they want, so they don’t think stopping this behavior is an option.  Hurting other people is inconsequential.  That being said though, hurting other people can make any witnesses to this behavior think less of them, so they must hide it if they want other people to continue to think well of them.

If other people witness this behavior, they may try to stop the narcissist from behaving as they do, which is another reason for them to hide their behavior.  To continue their abusive ways, all possible hindrances must be avoided.  It is beneficial for narcissists to show good behavior to any witnesses so that way the witnesses will have no reason to try to change their behavior.

Showing their true colors to only their victims also is beneficial to narcissists because if their victims tell other people about the abuse, those other people won’t believe them.  They will believe the narcissist’s “I’m a good person” act instead.  This means victims will receive little or most likely no support at all.  Lacking support means the victim may give up any hope of escaping the abuse, & be willing to tolerate whatever the narcissist does to them.

The Common English translation of the Bible says in John 3:20-21, “All who do wicked things hate the light and don’t come to the light for fear that their actions will be exposed to the light. Whoever does the truth comes to the light so that it can be seen that their actions were done in God.”  Clearly this behavior is normal to the truly cruel & evil people in the world.  If you are wondering why the narcissist in your life hides their toxic behavior, this is why.  It’s normal to them.  That being said though doesn’t mean that it should be tolerated or that something is wrong with you for being upset about it!

Please, if you are in turmoil because the narcissist in your life has hidden their toxic behavior from everyone but you, remember, there is nothing wrong with you!  You aren’t crazy, oversensitive, imagining things or whatever else you are feeling.  A person who truly is unaware of their bad behavior won’t hide it or try to make those they hurt feel as you feel.  To them, it’s normal so there is nothing to hide.  Narcissists aren’t like that though.  They know what they’re doing is wrong so they try to hide it for all of the reasons I’ve mentioned.  You’re fine!  They, however, are NOT. 

What Happens To Adults Whose Parents Put Too Much Responsibility On Them As Children

Many abusive parents put too much responsibility &/or inappropriate responsibility on the shoulders of their children. Sadly children in these situations are often oblivious to just how wrong this is.  They feel responsible for their parents, even when they become adults.  They may feel anger at their parents periodically, but that anger is quickly pushed away as the feeling of responsibility takes over.  If this describes your situation, today’s post is for you.

Are you the one who takes care of everyone in your relationships?  Somehow you end up taking care of others with whom you are in a relationship.  You bend over backwards for them, giving them too much of your time & energy while receiving little or nothing in return.  This behavior comes from being forced into an adult role as a child.  It programmed you to be a caregiver in your relationships, lacking healthy boundaries.

Are you afraid to tell people you are in relationship with no?  Are you willing to compromise or give too much of yourself to appease others rather than risk upsetting people?  This survival skill stems from childhood.  It comes lacking the choice to say no as a child, from having to please your parents to prevent them from abusing you & to get them to meet your needs.

Do you continually find yourself in relationships with friends or romantic partners who are toxic & demanding?  This happens often with people who were abused as children.  They don’t know what it is like to have someone treat them well.  They naturally gravitate to toxic people because their behavior is familiar.

As you grew up, did you rush into traditional landmarks of growing up, avoid them or some combination of both?  For example, maybe you couldn’t wait to get your driver’s license & got it as soon as you legally could, yet didn’t move out of your parents’ home at an appropriate age.

Do you feel excessively protective of your parent?  If someone says something about them that is less than positive, are you quick to jump to your parent’s defense without even considering that maybe there is some truth in what this person said?  Or, if your parents have disagreements, are you quick to take the side of one parent over the other?

If any of these describe you, you probably were a victim of parentification.

Parentification is common with narcissistic parents.  It describes the situation where parents treat their children as their partners & caregivers instead of children.  They force their children into this role, which causes them to accept not only too much responsibility for a child to bear, but completely inappropriate responsibility.  The result of such behavior causes this abused child to have very skewed views of their roles in relationships.  They often become caregivers for the people with whom they are in relationships.  They can go in the other direction as well, refusing to do for others because, although they don’t realize it, they are burned out on taking care of people because of their parent.  Other people’s needs feel incredibly burdensome to them, so they quickly feel suffocated.  Either way, their relationships in adulthood are far from healthy.

If this describes you, then I would urge you today to learn all you can about parentification.  It also is known as parentalization, emotional incest & covert incest.  I’ve written a book on the topic, & it’s available on my website, http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com. The more you learn, the better your chances of breaking free of the bad patterns your parent taught you.  Also, learn about healthy boundaries & what healthy relationships are truly like.

Most of all, I recommend you turn to God.  Ask Him to show you the truth & to help you to be healthier.  He will be more than happy to help you & He won’t let you down!

Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

It’s not uncommon for people to want to help others, whether it’s lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, some individuals take on this role for purely selfish reasons, & covert narcissists are people who do exactly that.  

Covert narcissists often behave in this way.  They act like they are doing something to help other people, but in reality, they are only doing what they are doing as a way to benefit themselves.  They often easily manipulate or control their victims by appearing meek & helpful when the truth is that they are anything but.  Today, we will discuss this particular behavior of the covert narcissist & how to recognize them.

Covert narcissists often try to help people for all the wrong reasons.  They want to make themselves look good or feel better about themselves by helping others.  It’s important to recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissists so you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior.

Some of the most common signs of a covert narcissist include but are not limited to always talking about themselves in a humble way, a complete lack of genuine empathy, being very self centered, expecting others to be grateful for their help even when it isn’t truly helpful or needed, subtly manipulating conversations such as frequently interrupting, & always trying to be the hero.  

I’ve been around quite a few covert narcissists in my life.  My ex husband & my late mother in-law were covert narcissists, as was my father.  One thing they all had in common was saying that they wanted to help me, but their motives were anything less than unselfish.  They wanted to be the hero in an attempt to make me dependent on them.  My father in particular always wanted to be the one to fix things for me, & he clearly didn’t care if I could solve the problem or not.

It was difficult to recognize this behavior at the time, but looking back, I can see how manipulative this behavior was.  My father & ex often tried to control the situation & make me reliant on them.  Their actions were clearly selfish, & they didn’t care about helping me, but only about how it would make them look or feel about themselves.

It’s important to recognize these signs of a covert narcissist & protect yourself from their manipulation.  If you suspect that someone is a covert narcissist, be wary of their intentions when they try to help you, & don’t let them control the situation by “rescuing” you.  If you recognize that they constantly are trying to help you when it is unnecessary & unasked for, thank them for their effort, remind them that you can handle the situation, & don’t allow them to participate in solving your problem.  Any small access they have to your situation, they will use to their advantage, & they will use it to hurt or control you.  They probably will be offended that you don’t want their help, but it is better than allowing such toxic people into your personal life where they can hurt & control you.

Covert narcissists are cruel, heartless people who try to appear as good, caring people by helping others.  They will manipulate or control their victims at any opportunity, & don’t truly care about helping them.  It’s important to recognize the signs of covert narcissists & protect yourself from their toxic behavior.  It’s also important to recognize that not everyone who helps others is a covert narcissist, & to be open to genuine acts of kindness.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, remember that you are not alone.  Reach out to supportive people in your life, such as family or friends.  I also have a group on Facebook full of supportive, kind, caring people who have experienced all matters of narcissistic abuse.  It’s a safe place to communicate with others who have experienced similar situations to yours.  Feel free to connect with it if you like!

My New Book Is Now Available!

I have just finished publishing my newest book! It’s called, “How Close is Too Close: When Close Families are Dysfunctional” The topic is about enmeshed families/emotional incest. At this moment, the ebook only is available, but the print version will be available very soon too.

I hope you’ll check it out at the link below. It’s a universal link, & will show you all the places the book can be purchased so you can purchase it from your favorite ebook retailer. If you don’t see your favorite retailer, feel free to email me (CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com). I can sell it to you directly after I convert the book into your desired format.

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

Playing The Victim

Many narcissists are known for playing the victim, in particular covert narcissists.  They seem to think that everyone else has caused their problems but themselves.  Their own actions are always excused away or even denied.  They also claim there is nothing they can do about these problems. 

As a person with a kind heart, it can be easy to get drawn into this victim act & feel sorry for this person.  The problem is that is easy for these people to manipulate the kind hearted in these situations.

Following are some ways to identify someone who is playing the victim to help you avoid that situation.

People who play the victim obviously feel sorry for themselves.  They think the world is so cruel & unfair to them, & they’re helpless to do anything about it.

These people also have no desire to put any work into improving their situation.  They prefer staying in the bad situation than changing it or even allowing anyone to help change it. 

They also accept zero responsibility for their behavior.  Whatever is wrong is always someone else’s fault, according to them.  They did nothing wrong.  If they ran someone over with their car, they would blame the person they hit for being in that parking lot at that particular time of day rather than admit that they didn’t look before backing out of their spot.

People playing the victim are incredibly manipulative.  Once they know they have someone’s pity they feel free to get anything they want from that person.  They will gain their sympathy & support.  They will get money from them.  Most of all, they get attention & these people do thrive on that attention.

Parents who play the victim are especially manipulative with their children.  There are so many situations where an overt & a covert narcissist marry, & the covert ends up looking like the innocent victim who needs his or her children’s protection against the overtly narcissistic parent.  This was my situation.  My father claimed there was nothing he could do to protect me from my mother’s abuse, & it was so hard for him when she abused me.  I often comforted him after one of her abusive episodes rather than him comforting me.

People like this are also emotional vampires, as the saying goes.  They cling to other people & expect them to listen to their woes at any time, for as long as they want to talk, no matter what is going on in their lives.  If the listener is unavailable, that person will do their level best to make the listener feel guilty for failing to be there when they were needed the most.

Another quality of those who play the victim is how offended they are with any differences.  If their chosen listener disagrees with them or continues suggesting they make changes, they will become very angry with the listener or even cut that person out of their life.

Most people who have experienced serious problems learn to appreciate the good things in life as a result.  Even small things such as a pretty flower can brighten their day.  Not so with those playing the victim.  They are intensely negative & unappreciative.  Nothing pleases these people.

When you come across someone like this in your life, & you definitely will, the smartest thing you can do is to set boundaries.  Limit your exposure to this person & avoid them if at all possible.  If avoiding them isn’t possible, keep conversations with them short & superficial.  Talk about the weather & other light topics that aren’t about them & how they have been wronged.

If you’re like many children of narcissistic parents who feel obligated to care for others to the point it’s unhealthy, these people can be hard for you to spot at first.  As God to give you discernment & remember the signs of their toxic behavior.

When One Parent Is Abusive & The Other A Bystander

So many times over the years, I’ve gotten comments on my blog or by email from people who recognize they had an abusive parent.  They discuss how cruel that parent was, often explaining terrible tales of brutality that no child should have to face.  At some point, they mention their other parent.  From their description, you would think that parent borders on sainthood.  They say things like, “Mom knew Dad was a monster, but she gave me pointers on how to stay out of his way & not make him angry.”  “Dad was such a good guy.  He wouldn’t see the bad in anyone, even Mom.  He dealt with things by telling me that’s just how Mom is, she can’t help it, & encouraged me to forgive & forget what she did to me.”

Stories like this just break my heart.  These people truly believe what they say, & don’t realize that a passive parent is just as bad as an abusive parent.  Long ago, I was one of these people.

My mother was an overt narcissist.  Her abuse was undeniable.  It was loud, obvious & cruel, especially when I was in my late teen years.  I cried on my father’s shoulder about it many times.  The majority of those times, he turned the situation around to how painful it was for him & how helpless he was to stop the abuse.  Those times ended with me trying to comfort him.  Other times, he simply didn’t care.  I remember one time he gave me a pat on the knee & walked off.  He didn’t say anything but his attitude was one of “Wow.. glad I’m not you!”

For years, I thought this behavior was ok.  Normal even.  He was a great guy, & simply a victim of my mother like me, which is why he couldn’t (well, wouldn’t) help me.  In fact, I felt it was my duty to care for & protect him.  Yes, I am serious.  I honestly believed that it was my duty, as his child, to take care of & protect my father while not expecting him to care for & protect me.  Disturbing, isn’t it?

Sadly, many other adult children with abusive parents grew up believing the same things I did, which explains the many comments I’ve heard from adults who believe the same faulty way I once did.

The problem is this thinking is incredibly dysfunctional.  It’s not facing the truth, & the truth really will set us free!

Believing that one parent is good while the other abusive in these situations creates distrust & confusion about love & loyalty in children.  They think love & loyalty involve sacrificing not only your identity & beliefs, but even your children if need be.  If you’re unwilling to do that, you must not love that person.  This sets the stage for very dysfunctional & even abusive relationships in that child’s life. 

It also makes a child question themselves.  It’s normal for that child to grow up excessively angry at the overtly abusive parent because they simply don’t have the courage to be angry with the passively abusive parent.  One day when they realize this, they wonder what is wrong with them for not being able to accept both parents were abusive.

This type of thinking also happens a lot with people who can accept that their fathers were abusive, but not their mothers.  Admitting a father is abusive is easier than a mother.  Many mothers in such situations play up the appearance of being helpless victims who need their children to protect & coddle them.  Their children get so caught up in taking care of them, they seem to forget that it isn’t their job.  It’s their mother’s job to protect & care for them instead.

The first step to healthier thinking is to recognize both the good & bad aspects of both of your parents.  Writing these things out may be especially beneficial since written words have the ability to bring clarity that the spoken word often lacks.  Seeing your parents realistically is a healthy thing to do, & sets the stage for your healing.  This isn’t “wallowing in the past” or “blaming parents for everything.”  It is a legitimate & healthy step to take towards healing.

One Way Evil Manifests In People

When people hear the word evil, all kinds of things come to mind.  Serial killers, psychopaths, monsters with glowing red eyes & of course the devil himself.  What people usually don’t think of when they hear the word evil is those people who portray themselves as good, caring, generous & often a bit naïve, yet who always have something snide to say to or about other people while maintaining their good appearance somehow.  I’m referring to covert narcissists.  In my opinion, people like this are among the most evil people of all.

Covert narcissists are masters at appearing to be good while they are truly nothing but pure evil.  They are manipulative but claim they are just trying to help.  They cause pain while claiming they didn’t know what they said or did would hurt the person they hurt.  They gossip & spread lies under the guise of being concerned about someone.  Whatever happens to them was never their fault.  They are the perpetual victims of the world who don’t deserve anything bad that happens to them.

Elderly narcissists are especially good at behaving in this manner.  It’s human nature to want to care for those weaker than us, & they exploit that as much as they possibly can.  Many will fake, exaggerate or even lie about an illness if it will get them attention or punish someone, usually their adult children, who they perceive has done them wrong somehow.  They demand their adult children’s time even when it’s unnecessary & their adult children have other more important responsibilities.

Flying monkeys to me are the worst of the worst of covert narcissists, second only to elderly ones.  Flying monkeys often claim they are just trying to help or be supportive, yet these contemptible fiends are actually enjoying hurting the victim.  Either they get a thrill from abusing the victim on behalf of the narcissist or from spying on the victim & reporting what they learn to the narcissist.  I have a couple of them who spy on me, & very few things in life disgust me as much as these people.

These vile monsters leave a path of destruction in their wake that isn’t obvious to most people, many times including their victims.  They don’t scream, rage or hit their victims.  Instead, they quietly manipulate & disparage their victims with no other witnesses.  This even happens when multiple people live in the same house.  They carefully maintain their fake image of being a good person to everyone but their victim, so when their victim tells others about the covert narcissist, no one believes the them.  In fact, often they defend this monster & their horrible behavior.  This allows the covert narcissist to continue abusing their victims quietly, & often the victim tolerates it because they think something is wrong with them for being upset by the narcissist’s behavior.  Covert narcissists are absolutely disgusting, despicable & vile human beings.

I’m sure by now you think I’m angry about them, & you would be absolutely correct.  Covert narcissists infuriate me with their “Poor pitiful me!  I’m always the victim!  I need people to coddle me!” act.  I have dealt with more of them than I care to admit in my family, my husband’s family, former friends & even my ex husband.  The more stories I hear similar to mine, the more disgusted & more angered I am by these people. 

Many people think that since I am open about being a Christian, I’m wrong for feeling this way.  I should forgive them & love them.  I’ve been called out on my supposed “anger issues” & “ungoldly behavior” on this topic.  They are wrong, though.  Romans 12:9 in the Amplified translation of the Bible says, “Love is to be sincere and active [the real thing—without guile and hypocrisy]. Hate what is evil [detest all ungodliness, do not tolerate wickedness]; hold on tightly to what is good.”  The behavior of covert narcissists is absolutely evil!  Don’t think so?  Then consider John 10:10.  In the first half of the verse, Jesus discusses the devil.  He says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy…”  That is exactly what covert narcissists do!  They steal, kill & destroy anything they want from their victims, usually their time, peace, reputation, mental & sometimes physical health, self esteem, joy & often their will to live.

Anyone reading this today, please know that I mean every single word I’ve said here.  Covert narcissists are pure evil.  They easily can ruin your life & relationships.  They love causing misery & pain while somehow managing to look magnanimous.  Never underestimate them, as it’s never wise to underestimate an enemy.  Protect yourself from them.  Stay away from them whenever possible.  If you must deal with them, never do so alone, because they will use that alone time to victimize you & no one will believe you about that.

Baiting Tactics And Ways To Cope

Some people thrive on getting attention, whether it is positive or negative.  Love them or hate them, either is great as far as they are concerned, just don’t ignore them!  In fact, that need for attention is one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One way they get this attention is by something called baiting.  Baiting is anything said or done to provoke a strong emotional reaction.  Behaving this way gives a baiting person a feeling of strength, because they possess such control over another person as to provoke them into very strong reactions.

Baiting is most commonly used by either covert narcissists or elderly narcissists.  It is effective, easy for them to do, subtle & offers plausible deniability to the baiting person.  They often claim they had no idea what they said would upset their victim or the victim took it wrong.  It also can be a useful way for the baiting person to make their victim look bad to other people.  These people quietly will say something cruel to upset their victim when others are around, so when the victim gets noticeably upset, others see the victim as irrational or yelling at the baiting person while that baiting person remains quiet & calm.  To those who don’t know what was said, the victim looks like the problem, ill tempered or even crazy while the baiting person appears to be the rational one.

There are many ways baiting is accomplished, & some of those tactics are as follows:

The baiting person may accuse their victim of something that is completely out of character & offensive to them, such as illegal behavior, cheating on their spouse or abusing their pets or children.  The shock value combined with the offensive nature of the insults easily can trigger someone into reacting badly & the baiting person may at this point accuse their victim of being mentally unbalanced. 

The baiting person also may “accidentally” damage something important to their victim.  Maybe they drop a treasured & fragile family heirloom or park beside their victim’s classic car & when they open the door, hit the victim’s car with their door.  Anyone in this situation naturally would be absolutely furious, yet the baiting person appears innocent because what they did didn’t look intentional.

A baiting person also will love insulting something their victim loves.  I have the most experience with this one.  Both my mother & mother in-law loved to insult my cats & my cars, both of which always have been very important to me.  My mother usually said her cruel comments very quietly & calmly so when I got upset, I looked irrational to anyone around us.  My mother in-law preferred no witnesses, so if I told anyone what she said, no one believed me because they never saw her treat me that way.

Another tactic of a baiting person is to hint that they have something to tell you that will hurt your feelings, & say they don’t want to upset you by telling you that thing.  Basically they make their victim feel obligated to say, “It’s ok.  You can tell me.”  They then dump that pain on their victim, & then enjoy that person’s pain, comfortable that the victim brought it on themselves.  After all, they think, the baiting person warned the victim, so they aren’t to blame for his or her pain.

Baiting triggers a person’s adrenaline & fight or flight responses to kick in, which is why it can be so challenging.  You can handle it though!  Immediately, inhale deeply, then exhale to give your mind & body a moment to calm down.  In that moment, ask God for help, too.  My simple prayers of “HELP!” proved surprisingly helpful plenty of times.

Remember what is happening.  Someone is trying to upset you as a way to make them feel better about themselves.  Don’t give that person the satisfaction.  Do NOT react.  Stay calm.  The less you react, the less likely it is this person will use this tactic again with you.  Once away from this person though, vent however helps you to feel better.  Holding in such negative emotions for a long period of time is unhealthy.

If at all possible, leave this person or hang up the phone immediately.  Say you just remembered something you have to do & go.  This isn’t a lie – you just remembered that you have to protect yourself from such volatility!

Feeling Burdened By Others After Growing Up With An Emotionally Incestuous/Enmeshed/Parentalizing Parent

Growing up with a parent who treats you more as their romantic partner rather than their child is extremely traumatic.  It is referred to as emotional incest, enmeshment, covert incest, parentalizing & parentification, & it’s a form of sexual abuse whether or not sexual contact is a part of this abuse.  It creates a LOT of serious problems in the lives of victims.  Today, we will focus on only one of those problems – feeling burdened by other people.

The person who grows up with an emotionally incestuous parent has spent their entire life focused on their parent.  Their parent is their top priority in childhood, & even into adulthood until they recognize this is a problem.  They listen to their parent’s woes (in particular about their marriage or relationship), they try to cheer them up when they are sad, fix their problems, protect them if the other parent is abusive, & basically anything else their parent wants them to do no matter the personal cost.  After a lifetime of this dysfunctional caregiving, it is natural to feel burned out on doing for other people.  The problem is that natural or not, it is damaging to other relationships.

No one wants to be in a relationship with another person that is totally one sided.  Whatever type of relationship this is, whether it is romantic, family or friendship, this type of relationship is miserable & dysfunctional.  Doing with receiving nothing in return is fine once in a while, but when it is the norm, it is depressing, will lead to a lot of resentment & most likely the relationship will end.

Similarly, no one wants to be married to someone knowing that their parent always will be more important to them, that the demanding parent’s needs always come first, that they are looked at as an intruder & feeling like anything they want from their spouse is a huge burden while anything the parent wants is done without complaint.  It is a miserable way to live, & the majority of people will divorce a spouse like this.

If you are a victim of emotional incest, please know that by continuing to tolerate this abuse from your parent, this is what you are doing to those people in relationships with you.  I am not telling you this to hurt you, only to open your eyes of the damage being done & the unfairness of it all.  People who love you don’t deserve to feel this way.  It’s not fair to them.  It also is not fair to you for your parent to treat you so badly & for that parent to do so much harm to you that you are damaging relationships with people you love. 

And, if you are still in this situation with your parent, please do your best to put an end to it.  Start setting limits & boundaries on what you will & won’t tolerate from your parent.  It can be intimidating to do this at first so start small.  Don’t take their call or reply to their text right away.  It’s a baby step that helps you to take back some of your power.  Do more & bigger things as you feel able to do them.  It may take some time, but you will become able to stop tolerating their behavior.  The more you do this, the less burdened you will feel in general, which means the more you will be able to give back in your relationships.

Get to know yourself better.  Chances are, you didn’t have much time for that because caring for your parent took up too much of your time.  It’s long overdue.  Get to know the real you, not the person your parent wants you to be.  It’ll help you in many ways, including learning what you are willing & unwilling to tolerate in the relationship with your parent.

Get angry about what your parent has done to you.  You have every reason to be angry, because treating anyone this way is simply cruel & wrong!  You never deserved it!  Allow yourself to feel that anger & vent it in healthy ways like prayer, talking to someone close to you, journaling, or even talking to a therapist.

And never forget that you do have one loving parent.  God is the most loving parent you could hope to have.  Talk to Him about what is going on.  Lean on him to help you heal, figure out the best way to handle this relationship with your abusive parent, & to help heal damaged relationships.  He absolutely will do it.

Recognizing & Dealing With Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are as the name implies.  Covert.  In other words, these people can abuse others in such a stealthy, sneaky way that the abuse can go unnoticed.  Innocent probably best describes the impression they give.  The victim of a covert narcissist often feels badly after dealing with them, but doesn’t even know why.  They think the covert narcissist is innocent, because whatever they do, they appear innocent.  If the covert narcissist is confronted, they claim they didn’t realize what they said or did would hurt anyone.  They also cry victim & make people feel sorry for them.  Their behavior makes them appear naïve & always innocent.  Yet the truth is, they are cruel & incredibly toxic.

Consider the first narcissist, Satan.  When in the garden of Eden with Adam & Eve as described in Genesis 3, the way he approached Eve reeks of covert narcissism.  Rather than scream & rage, he simply asked questions that sound innocent, but created doubt in Eve’s mind.  He also sounded as though he wanted what was best for her.  Genesis 3:1-5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Now the serpent was more crafty (subtle, skilled in deceit) than any living creature of the field which the Lord God had made. And the serpent (Satan) said to the woman, “Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” ² And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees of the garden, ³ except the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden. God said, ‘You shall not eat from it nor touch it, otherwise you will die.’” ⁴ But the serpent said to the woman, “You certainly will not die! ⁵ For God knows that on the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened [that is, you will have greater awareness], and you will be like God, knowing [the difference between] good and evil.””

This is how covert narcissists work.  On the surface, they sound like they may be naïve, but they’re good people with good intentions.  They may have started their lives that way, but they no longer are.  They learned somewhere along the way that this type of behavior got them what they wanted, so they have continued using them, even employing new, similar behaviors. 

It is possible to protect yourself from covert narcissists.  First you must acknowledge that their behavior is evil.  Since their behavior is similar to the serpent’s behavior in the Garden of Eden, that alone should be a sign to you that it’s evil. 

You also keep your distance from them.  The Bible says in Proverbs 22:3 & 27:12 that a prudent (in other words, wise or shrewd) person recognizes evil & hides from it while the naïve continue in that way & are punished for it.  There isn’t a lot of repetition in the Bible, so when something is repeated, to me that says it is worth paying extra attention to.   

It is also vital to pray.  Ask God for discernment so you recognize these people quickly, to show you the truth about their behavior, ways to deal with it when it is impossible to avoid & to ruin their efforts to hurt & abuse you.  His guidance & assistance is invaluable & you absolutely use it!

The Value Of Detoxing From Emotionally Incestuous (Enmeshed) Family

When someone grows up in an enmeshed, emotionally incestuous family, they naturally have many issues stemming from this.  One of those many issues is that they need time away from their toxic family to detox.

One example of this that comes to mind is a good friend of mine.  Around me, he’s usually kind, caring, fun loving & laid back.  I always can tell when he has dealt with his toxic immediate family in the recent past however, because that great guy disappears.  The person who replaces him is impatient, irritable, & quick to judge & criticize.  In other words, nothing like who he usually is.  It takes some time away from them for the hard to deal with person to go away & the good guy he usually is to come back.  I’ve started referring to this as his detox.

Sadly, this need to detox after being around an emotionally incestuous family is normal for the adult who grew up in this situation.  Also sadly, it makes sense if you think about it.

Someone who doesn’t understand the extreme toxicity that is emotional incest wants to fit in with their family, even if they hate the dynamic.  They will behave however they need to in order to fit in.  On some level however, they know this isn’t normal so they are dealing with cognitive dissonance.  In other words, they grew up thinking this is normal & anything that threatens that belief makes them extremely uncomfortable & confused.  Time away from their toxic family is their detox, & it relieves them of that uncomfortable feeling, at least until the next time they deal with their family.

Even if someone is aware of what is happening & just how dysfunctional their family is, being around such people can bring old habits back to the surface disturbingly easily.  It’s a lot like drug addicts.  They can stay clean much easier when they avoid people who are still addicts & are around people who don’t do drugs.  Getting around those who are still actively addicted makes it very hard for them to stay on their healthier path.  When they backslide, they may get clean again but they are NOT going to be happy with themselves for backsliding.  The same goes for those with emotionally incestuous families.  If a person has worked hard to get healthier, then slides back into old habits, they are going to be pretty upset with themselves when they recognize their bad behavior.  They need time away from their family so they can detox to get back on the right path.

Another problem is the emotionally incestuous family encourages the dysfunctional behavior.  They reward bad behavior, throwing some breadcrumbs of affection or praise to their family members who follow the rules of the family & don’t try to make any healthy changes.  No matter how much someone may want to break free of this to live in a healthier way, the pressure to “behave” & get those crumbs of affection can be very great, which also can account for the need to detox after leaving.  Distance from these highly dysfunctional people helps them to recognize what is happening, & to get back on the right path.

Emotionally incestuous family members also despise anyone who doesn’t enable & encourage their toxic behavior.  They will talk badly about anyone who encourages someone in the emotionally incestuous family to distance themselves from the toxicity.  If someone in such a family has a friend or spouse that speaks against this behavior, the family is not going to tolerate this quietly.  They will tell everyone just how awful that person is, how they’re trying to tear apart the family or even steal their family member away from the family.  If someone hears this enough from their family, they may believe it in time, & return to the dysfunctional fold.  Time away from them, time to detox from the dysfunction, can clear their head.

If your family is emotionally incestuous, then please, do yourself a huge favor & take the time to detox from them as frequently as you can!  It will be good for your mental health!  Or, if someone you know is in such a situation, encourage them to do the same.  Be willing to listen to them without judgment & speak the truth to them about what their family is really like (gently of course!). 

People Who Don’t Have Any Friends & Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

I have a habit that I believe is shared by others who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  I gravitate to those who don’t have any friends.  Not that this is always a bad thing, but it can be.  Sometimes these people are detrimental to your mental health.

People who don’t have friends may be in this position for valid reasons.  They may be extremely introverted, preferring very little socialization since it drains them quickly.  Maybe they just recently moved to the area & haven’t had time to meet new people.  Or maybe they recently escaped an abusive relationship, & while in it, their abuser isolated them from friends & family.  Once away from that person, they may not feel ready to trust new people in any capacity just yet.  There are plenty of valid reasons like this a person has for not having friends.  These people are not the ones I am referring to in this post.

The people I’m referring to are the ones who have no friends for years on end.  They may discuss former friends, & always in a negative light.  Those friends weren’t there for them when they went through hard times, they wouldn’t help them financially or in other ways or they say their friends just stopped speaking to them without any reason or warning.  Everyone has friendships that weren’t good or ended badly, but when someone says such things about the majority of friendships they have had, it’s a big red flag.  The average person’s friendships usually aren’t intensely negative experiences.  Their friends may not be there for them every single time, but they will be there at least most of the time.  Also, if people continue walking away from someone, there is a good reason for that.

Years ago, I felt so badly for these people.  I naively thought it was so sad that life had treated them so badly, leaving them without good friends!  I treasure my closest friends & can’t imagine not having them!  Knowing these people weren’t able to share this kind of friendship made me feel sorry for them, so I would befriend them.  It usually didn’t take long before I realized this was a mistake. 

People like this are friendless for legitimate reasons!  Some are covert narcissists, portraying themselves as innocent victims to unfair life circumstances & needing someone to take care of them.  Even ones I knew that weren’t, were still highly dysfunctional at the very least.  These friendships started out full of flattery & kind gestures, which made me want to be there for them.  Much like love bombing behavior narcissists are known for doing in romantic relationships.  Before long, they would monopolize my time whenever possible.  They would call me often, keeping me on the phone for hours listening to them drone on & on about their problems & not listening when I said I had to go.  At that time, sometimes they would ask what was happening in my life, then after a couple of minutes, turn the conversation back to them.  They never wanted my advice, even when they asked for it.  They just wanted me to pity them.  They also wanted to get together on a constant basis, even when knowing I had other things going on in my life that needed my attention.  Once in a while, they would feign interest in something in my life, but it never lasted long.  They would become minimizing or invalidating quickly, letting me know whatever I said wasn’t a big deal, & certainly not as big a deal as what was going on in their life.  Simply put, these people were emotional vampires, draining my energy to feed their dysfunction. 

There are so many people out there like this, who love gaining the friendship of victims of narcissistic abuse.  They know that victims are often very giving, understanding & patient, glad to help others.  Don’t fall for it as I have!  If someone you meet says they don’t have any friends, learn why.  If there isn’t a valid reason such as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, stay away from this person.  They may come across as naïve & a bit needy, but they are nothing so innocent.  Given time, they will use you for everything they can, & if you set boundaries with them, they’ll cry victim to anyone who will listen. 

Like so many things in life, the more you heal from the abuse, the less frequently you will interact with such people.  People like this are repelled by functional, healthy people with good boundaries who don’t tolerate their manipulation.

Common Myths About Narcissism

There are many myths about narcissists.  This post addresses some of the common ones & why these myths are wrong.

“Narcissism is a disorder.  They can’t help their behavior.”  While narcissism is listed as a personality disorder, it isn’t a typical mental disorder.  Personality disorders describe dysfunctional behavior rather than a physical problem with someone’s brain.  If you doubt this, watch any narcissist around someone they want to impress & their victim.  Their behavior will be extremely different with each person.

“Narcissists don’t know what they’re doing hurts people.”  Yes they do know.  They know that what they are doing causes pain & suffering, but they don’t care.  This is because one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complete lack of empathy.  If you have doubts, watch a narcissist’s reaction when they hurt you.  Chances are you will see a sign of satisfaction the moment they realize how badly they hurt you.  A slight smirk, smug facial expression or glimmer in their eyes are the most common signs.

“If you tell a narcissist that what they’re doing hurts you, they’ll change their behavior.”  That lack of empathy thing?  That is exactly why this is wrong.  Narcissists do NOT care about any pain & suffering they cause.  In fact, if you tell them that something they have done hurts you, chances are excellent that they’ll do that behavior again because they know how much it hurts you.

“He/She has been abused.  That behavior is all they know.”  Maybe this is true.  Many narcissists have been abused & because of that, they don’t know how to behave in a healthy way.  That being said though, anyone knows that if something hurts them, it will hurt someone else.  That should be a sign that they shouldn’t do certain things!  Even if they don’t really know what to do, they absolutely know what they shouldn’t do.

“Narcissists aren’t so bad.  They’re just selfish.”  Narcissists aren’t your average, garden variety selfish jerk.  Average selfish people simply don’t think of others as much as they should.  They aren’t necessarily out to cause pain, but rather it is a consequence of their lack of consideration of others.  When they learn they have hurt someone, they apologize & try to change their behavior.  Narcissists enjoy causing pain.  They also care only about what they want, so hurting others to get those things won’t upset them.  They won’t apologize sincerely or change their selfish behavior no matter how much pain they cause.

“No one can be a narcissist & be active in the church/a teacher/a doctor/a police officer/a therapist.”  Narcissists are attracted to the so called “helping professions.”  People admire, respect & obey those in helping professions.  Narcissists crave that sort of treatment from others like oxygen.  They also enjoy being in control, & those positions offer them some degree of authority over others.

“Narcissists are all alike so it’s easy to find ways to deal with them.”  Lots of no in this statement!!  While many narcissists behave much the same way, that doesn’t mean they’re all alike.  Not only are there different types of narcissists, but each one is also an individual with their own unique personality, likes, dislikes, quirks & more.  Also Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a spectrum disorder.  Someone who exhibits almost all or all behaviors of NPD is known as a malignant narcissist.  They are impossible to deal with & are much more dangerous than someone who exhibits only a few traits.

“Narcissists are easy to identify.  They brag about themselves & their accomplishments.”  There are overt narcissists who behave this way but that doesn’t describe all narcissists.  Covert narcissists are the opposite.  They are often meek, quiet, appear very unassuming & even not very intelligent.  They appear selfless & even martyr-like.  People admire them for being such good people, which provides them a lot of admiration.

This is hardly an all inclusive list of myths, but I hope this short list helps you anyway.

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One Thing You Can Expect After Going No Contact With A Narcissist

Some abusive people are relentless.  They abuse their victims for years, sometimes their entire lifetime or their victims’ lifetime.  When their victims finally sever ties, this should mean the end of the abuse, but often it doesn’t.  Abusers are notorious for harassing & even stalking their victims, sometimes for years after the victim ended the relationship.  Not all abusers do this however.  Sometimes, they send out their evil minions to do their dirty work.

Flying monkeys is a commonly used term used to describe the evil minions who help narcissists abuse their victims.  They are quick to tell victims that they need to fix the relationship with the narcissist because the narcissist is such a wonderful person.  They not only sing the narcissist’s praises, but they use guilt & shame to try to manipulate victims into tolerating the abuse.  They say things like, “He is so miserable without you!”  “Your mom isn’t getting any younger..”  “You only get one set of parents!”

You would think once the relationship is over, the flying monkeys’ jobs would be over too, but sadly, that’s not always the case.  These mindless cronies still take their work seriously & can amp up their dysfunctional tasks.  Sometimes they will try contacting victims even years after the victim removed the narcissist from their life.  Sometimes they do it because they think now that time has passed, the victim has had the time to “get over” whatever the narcissist did to them, so now they’ll listen to the flying monkey’s logic about why they should resume the relationship.  Other times, they are on fact finding missions for the narcissist, hoping to find out whatever the narcissist wants to know about the victim.  Most times it seems they are hoping to find the victim is utterly miserable & destitute without the narcissist.  Still other times, these flying monkeys do it just to harass the victim while telling themselves they’re simply trying to help, which, in true covert narcissist fashion, enables them to think they’re good people.  Whichever the case, their behavior boils down to creating strife in the victim’s life, & that is something that the Bible speaks against very strongly.

Strife means to create discord, clash with or to antagonize another person.  Naturally strife can lead to other problems such as anger, hatred or thoughts of revenge, which is probably why the Bible speaks so harshly against it.  Galatians 5:19-21 in the Amplified translation of the Bible says, “¹⁹Now the practices of the sinful nature are clearly evident: they are sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (total irresponsibility, lack of self-control), ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hostility, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions [that promote heresies], ²¹ envy, drunkenness, riotous behavior, and other things like these. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

People who are willing to start such strife do so for various reasons, none of which are good.  Proverbs 15:18 describes the type of person who starts strife in various ways in different translations.  Hot tempered, quick tempered, wrathful, & hothead are some of the words used in that particular Scripture.  Proverbs 16:28 also describes this type of person as a troublemaker, perverse & even evil.  Another motivation for some people is hatred, according to Proverbs 10:12.  Pride is yet another motivation which is mentioned in Proverbs 13:10 & 28:25.  The pride aspect proves my theory that many flying monkeys are covert narcissists.  They interfere because not only do they enjoy abusing, but they think they look like good people just trying to help fix a damaged relationship.

The best way to deal with flying monkeys is not to deal with them if at all possible.  No matter who they are, there is Biblical evidence that there is no need to have a person like this in your life.  Proverbs 22:10 says, “Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go away; Even strife and dishonor will cease.”  A scoffer is someone who mocks others or treats others with contempt.  That is often the perfect description of not only narcissists but their flying monkeys as well, so I believe this Scripture applies to them all.  Protect yourself & remove these dreadful people from your life if you can.  There is no good reason to tolerate such awful behavior from anyone!

Real Evil Relating To Narcissists

I recently read an article that discussed real evil.  It claimed real evil doesn’t hide, it is fearless, it makes its plans known & basically shows them off.  As I read this article, I thought how completely inaccurate the statement is.  Real evil isn’t always so easy to spot.  If it was, life would be much easier because everyone would recognize evil & could avoid it.

In truth, real evil hides its true motives.  Considering what I believe are some signs of real evil, that confirms to me what I’ve suspected for many years, that narcissism is evil & even demonic in nature.

It can come across as naivete, as if someone truly has no idea their actions are less than good & pure.  Covert narcissists are prime examples of this.  They often come across as simple, not very intelligent people.  While their overt counterparts cringe at the thought of someone thinking they are anything less than super intelligent, covert narcissists love to be underestimated.  This helps them to do whatever awful deeds they wish to do & get away with it because people think they truly don’t know any better.  

Real evil also hides behind a mask of pretending that all abuse is done for the ultimate benefit of the victim.  My mother used to claim that her abuse wasn’t abuse at all.   It was done to help me.  In fact when her abuse hit its peak when I was in my late teens, she said she was “trying to save me from myself,” & it was merely “tough love” done because she was trying to help me.   That so called tough love involved raging at me daily, often multiple times a day, berating me & more.  Many narcissists do the same thing to their victims, abuse them while claiming the abuse is done to benefit their victim somehow.

Real evil denies & excuses bad & abusive behavior, rather than accepting responsibility for it.  A functional & healthy person may not like to do it, but they’ll admit their bad behavior & accept responsibility for it.  They try never to repeat it.

Real evil also blames victims for making someone abuse them.  This is incredibly low & wicked, in my opinion, because it abuses a victim twice while absolving an abuser of blame.  First, the victim is initially abused, then abused again by receiving the blame for making someone hurt him or her.  The abuser is exonerated of all guilt for their cruelty by putting all blame unfairly on a victim.

Real evil never apologizes.  A truly evil person may say the words, “I’m sorry”, but they won’t mean it.  In fact, they’ll give what I call a non apology.  This means rather than saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you.  I was wrong.  What can I do to make it up to you?”, they will say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  “I’m sorry I did that, but I wouldn’t have done it if you wouldn’t have done what you did.”  or,  “I said I was sorry… what else do you want from me?”  The only reason they say the words “I’m sorry” is to appease their victim so they can resume their awful behavior.

While real evil can be obvious, such as in the case of serial killers, it most often is very subtle like in the examples I have given.

When dealing with a narcissist, if you start to believe their lies, I pray you’ll remember these points.  Real evil is subtle & manipulative.  Narcissists use it to their best advantage while tearing down their victims.  Being aware of their tactics can help you to avoid further narcissistic abuse in the future.

Common Myths About Narcissistic Abuse

There are many myths about narcissistic abuse.  This post’s purpose is to debunk some of the more common ones.

“You let him/her get away with treating you that way.  That’s why he/she does what they do.”  Narcissists aren’t normal people who respect boundaries.  They don’t care that their actions cause pain & problems for others.  They only care about what they want.  No matter what consequences you give a narcissist, chances of them respecting your boundaries are slim to none. 

“Narcissists only abuse the weak & stupid.”  Anyone can be abused by a narcissist, no matter their intelligence, personality, religious beliefs, social standing or gender.  Narcissists are incredibly good actors & can convince anyone of whatever they want them to believe.  Even people who know a great deal about Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be fooled temporarily.  Someone who doesn’t know about it can be fooled much easier & for a much longer time before they realize something is very wrong.

“You must have done something to attract this type of person.”  This is nothing but victim blaming & shaming, & is incredibly cruel!  Do you know the kind of person narcissists are attracted to?  People with kind, loving & gentle spirits who have a great deal of empathy.  It is wrong to make people like this feel badly for being this way, especially when these are all wonderful qualities!

“You just need to learn how to stop making him angry or stay out of his way.”  No one is responsible for another person’s abusive behavior beyond the abuser.  Nothing anyone can do can prevent any abuser from abusing, period.  Narcissists are also incredibly toxic people who enjoy torturing their victims.  One way they do this is to keep their victims in a constant state of high alert by changing what angers them & what they want.  No matter how much a person may want to avoid angering the narcissist in their life or stay out of his way, it’s impossible.

“You need to fix this relationship!”  One of my aunts told me this regarding the relationship I had with my parents.  She is far from the only person to think in such a dysfunctional & foolish manner.  The problem is no one person can fix a relationship.  While one person can destroy a relationship, it takes two people to fix one.  Not to mention, in the mind of narcissists, their relationships are fine.  They don’t need fixing, at least so long as the victim does whatever the narcissist wants & tolerates the abuse.

“If it’s so bad, just walk away/go no contact.”  Anyone who says this most likely lacks empathy.  Ending relationships is always hard.  Ending a relationship with a narcissist is even harder, especially if that person is someone you love a great deal such as a spouse or parent.  Chances are the person who says this also has no concept of trauma bonding.  Trauma bonding is common among narcissists & their victims.  This is when the narcissist interjects some kindnesses in with their abuse.  They also destroy their victims’ self esteem, making them think they can’t survive without the narcissist.  There is also the fact that many narcissists financially ruin their victims so they are dependent on their narcissist.  Narcissists also isolate their victims from friends & families, so they have no one they can trust to help them.  Leaving narcissists isn’t as simple as “just walking away” for these reasons & many more.

“You’ve been away from the narcissist for a while so you should be over it by now.”  Narcissistic abuse often creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in victims.  This disorder as well as the tremendous amount of psychological warfare waged against victims by narcissists mean there is no “getting over it”.  It takes a lot of time to come to any sort of terms to what happened & if you have PTSD, to learn to manage your symptoms.

These are only a few of the myths about narcissistic abuse, but even so, I hope my debunking helps you. 

Covert Narcissists Are Poisonous

A member of my Facebook group shared a meme made from a quote from author & life coach Lisa Romano.  I don’t remember the meme, but one of her comments on it said this:  “Narcissism at its finest is like carbon monoxide. Your inner world will become chaotic and every aspect of your life will become suffocated by dysfunction, but you will not know from where the poison is coming from.”

Having suffered both narcissistic abuse & carbon monoxide, I really related to this comparison.

While narcissistic abuse is often thought of as loud, sometimes even physically abusive & basically easy to identify, that isn’t always the case.  Overt narcissists are that way of course, but coverts aren’t.  They are so much more subtle.  They can abuse undetected.. much the same way carbon monoxide can injure or even kill.

Carbon monoxide has absolutely no smell whatsoever.  You don’t see it hanging in the air like you would smoke, either.  It silently & subtly does its damage, & you don’t even realize it until the damage has been done.  The day I survived carbon monoxide poisoning, I knew I felt bad, but I didn’t know why.  The thought of calling 911 or my husband for help also never crossed my mind.  The poison ruined my ability to think clearly or recognize what the problem was.

Covert narcissists are much the same way.  They aren’t like their overt counterparts who yell & scream to get their way.  They’re often soft spoken.  They come across as unassuming & meek, sometimes even not very intelligent.  They may help people by donating to or volunteering with charities.  They may be active in their church.  If they are financially comfortable, they’re the first one to give money to someone they know who is struggling.  People not close enough to the covert narcissist to see behind the make usually think they are really good, kind, generous people who will do anything to help someone in need.  This allows covert narcissists to fly under the radar, abusing however they like.  Even If someone does recognize a problem, most likely they’ll excuse the abuse because they claim the person meant well or doesn’t know any better.

What few people see is that covert narcissists wear a very convincing mask.  Behind that mask is someone who rules their family with guilt, shaming, feigned helplessness, or exaggerating or even faking sickness.  These weapons are every bit as effective, if not more so, than an overt narcissist’s screaming & raging while appearing innocent.

Often, these covert narcissists even control their overtly narcissistic spouse by quietly pushing their buttons until the overt narcissist snaps & attacks them either verbally or physically.  Covert narcissists love this, because any witnesses to this see the covert narcissist as the long suffering, wonderful spouse of a crazy & even abusive person.  They also get pity, which they love.  Also in this situation, children of this narcissistic couple automatically side with their covertly narcissistic parent, & become protective of him or her.  They never question why their parent expects their protection when it’s really parents’ job to protect their children instead.  This behavior stays well into adulthood, which usually causes problems in the adult child’s marriage.  Narcissistic parents are usually terrible in-laws.  They expect their adult child to keep them first priority, not their spouse or children.  When the spouse says something, the adult child often protects their covertly narcissistic parent, as they’ve always done, which causes strain in the marriage for which the spouse is blamed.

While there are carbon monoxide detectors to help protect us from that terrible poison, there aren’t such detectors to help us identify covert narcissists.  There are ways you can protect yourself, though.

Pray.  Ask God to give you discernment & wisdom.  Then if you meet someone who you get an inkling about that something isn’t right, pay attention to the feeling!  If their actions seem innocent but leave you feeling guilty or angry, chances are good that you’re in the presence of a covert narcissist.

If you discover you are dealing with a covert narcissist, again, pray.  You’ll need all the wisdom you can get, especially if that covert narcissist is a parent of your spouse.  Remember the Gray Rock method.  When you & your spouse discuss the problem, stay calm, stating only the facts as calmly & logically as you can.  Stick to your boundaries, too.  Showing your anger will make your spouse more protective of that parent & angry with you. 

Remember, just because covert narcissists come across safer than overt ones doesn’t mean they are safe.  They really are like carbon monoxide- they may not appear dangerous, but they absolutely are!

When Your “Good” Parent Is A Covert Narcissist

Tactics Of The Covert Narcissist

This post is similar to the last one, except it helps to identify some of the tactics of covert narcissists.

Covert narcissists are like their name implies, very covert in their actions.  Because of that, they can be much harder to identify than their overt counterpart.  Their actions can leave a victim wondering if they are being oversensitive or reading too much into things.  I’ve said many times that if I have to deal with a narcissist, I’d prefer an overt one simply because I know exactly what I’m dealing with.

Covert narcissists are quiet in how they get attention.  They don’t get attention by bragging or being loud & obnoxious like overt narcissists.  They get it by appearing gentle & humble.  They “let it slip” about how they helped someone in need or that they are very active in their church.

Covert narcissists appear fragile & vulnerable, like they need someone to take care of them.  They give off an air of naivete & needing someone to protect them that makes people want to take care of them, in particular, their children.  The life purpose of the child of a covert narcissist is to take care of their parent’s every need.

They are always the victim.  No matter what a covert narcissist does to someone, you can guarantee they will blame the victim for being so mean to them for reacting as they did.  After all, they often say, they were just trying to help or they had no idea that the person would be upset by their actions.  The covert narcissist comes away from this situation looking innocent while the victim is shamed & even shunned for being so mean.

Covert narcissists have no empathy.  Unlike overt narcissists, however, coverts are quieter about this.  They will simply act bored, discreetly change the subject or walk away if someone is talking to them about their problems.

Covert narcissists manipulate in subtle ways.  A covert narcissist looking to manipulate someone won’t use fear or intimidation like an overt narcissist.  Instead they may use tactics like guilt, pretending to be helpless or even acting concerned.  Covertly narcissistic elderly parents also are known to use their health problems as a way to manipulate others, in particular their adult children.  They may even go so far as to skip taking medication or taking too much to make themselves sick.

Covert narcissists will ask how their victims are doing & other questions about them or their friends & family, but it isn’t out of genuine concern or love.   It’s about gathering information that can be used against the victim.  They will use what they learn to smear the victim’s reputation to other people or to criticize the victim & those the victim cares about.

Speaking of criticism, covert narcissists have no problem using scathing, cruel criticisms, but only will do so when no one is around other than the victim.  Covert narcissists always want to be seen as good people, so when they are verbally abusive, you can guarantee there will be no witnesses.  That way, no one sees their awful behavior, which also makes it harder for the victim to be believed.

Covert narcissists can change according to who they are around.  If a covert narcissist is around someone they wish to impress, they will claim to share the same likes, dislikes, beliefs & more as the person they wish to impress.  This is called mirroring, because the narcissist is behaving as a mirror to the other person.  Mirroring makes a person feel closer to the person mirroring their behavior, because it appears that they have a great deal in common.

While this list isn’t a fully comprehensive list of the many tactics covert narcissists use, it should help you to recognize several red flags, at least, & help you to protect yourself from these people.

No Child’s Job Is To Heal The Parent(s)

Emotional incest, covert incest, parentification & parentalizing.  All describe the same abusive behavior & a topic I’ve written about before.  When a parent treats their child as an equal rather than their child, expecting that child to listen to their woes, tales of marital discord, details of their sex life, &/or expecting their child to care for them in ways such as cooking & cleaning for them well beyond what is age appropriate, it damages the child psychologically.  The child in this situation often grows up anxious, depressed, lacking healthy relationship skills, feels guilt for things they aren’t responsible for & may even have issues with addiction.  Often at the very least, they choose very poorly suited romantic partners.

Sadly, parentalizing is barely discussed in a negative light.  Many people see a child & her parent behaving in this way & praise their “close” or “loving” relationship.  They even tell the child how lucky she is to have a mom who loves her so much, how she has to be strong for her mom or other similar comments.  And, when the child, no matter the age, does something that upsets her parent or *gasp* thinks of herself first, she is labeled unappreciative, selfish, a spoiled brat & more.  This lays even more unnecessary guilt on that child, & it is absolutely unfair!

Let’s get one thing straight.  No one is responsible for anyone else’s emotions.  Yes, someone you love can make you feel happy, sad, angry, etc. sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they are in control of your emotions.  YOU ARE!  This is especially true for children.  Children need to be children, not their parent’s emotional caregiver!

When a parent is abandoned by someone they love, & the only person close to them is their child, it can be understandable they reach out to their child for comfort & companionship.  That doesn’t make it right, though!  Children are growing up – that is enough responsibility on their little shoulders!

Children also didn’t ask to be born.  It’s not their fault if the parents couldn’t maintain a healthy & loving relationship.  Making the child feel that they must step into the role of that other parent is cruel, abusive & unfair!

If you grew up in this sort of situation, my heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry for the pain & suffering you have been through.  Having been there myself I know it is a miserable situation.

If it is still happening, you’re going to have to set some serious boundaries with your parent.  Change the subject as soon as you start to feel uncomfortable.  Tell your parent you’re leaving or hanging up the phone if she insists on talking about your other parent that way, then follow through with your threat if need be.

Whether the abuse is still happening or not, you’re going to need to heal from the damage done.  Pray.  Get angry.  Cry.  Remind yourself what was done to you was unfair & undeserved.  Write in a journal.  Talk to a trusted friend or therapist.  Do whatever helps you to heal!

You can heal from the effects of emotional incest.  It takes time & work, but it can be done.  xoxo

About Accepting A Covertly Narcissistic Parent Is Abusive

Overt narcissists & covert narcissists often marry because this creates a perfect, dysfunctional union.  The real problem begins when they have children.  Overt narcissists are not only able to be the center of attention in this family but also abuse the child without interference from the covert partner who refuses to defend the child.  The covert narcissist is able to look like the martyr, the long suffering spouse.  People wonder how this wonderful person can put up with being married to that  awful spouse.  The covert narcissist is also able to convince everyone, including the abused child, that there is no way for him or her to protect the child.  In fact, often, the child becomes protective of the covertly narcissistic parent & comforts that parent when the overtly narcissistic parent abuses them rather than the parent comforting the child as it should be.  The covertly narcissistic parent appears to be the true victim in this scenario, not the child.

Once that child grows up though, she usually learns first that the overtly narcissistic parent was abusive.  She accepts that truth, as painful as it is.  She may even change her behavior to be healthier such as setting boundaries.

The problem adult children in this situation often have is the covertly narcissistic parent.  Accepting that parent was equally if not more abusive is a very hard pill to swallow.

I wondered why this is for a long time, & came up with some ideas.

When you compare an overt & a covert narcissist, the covert doesn’t look so bad.  That person isn’t the one who beat you, cussed you out, tore your self esteem to shreds or destroyed your identity like your overtly narcissistic parent did.  It was much harder to deny that your overtly narcissistic parent was abusive when that parent did such awful, hurtful things to you.  Your covertly narcissistic parent probably seemed normal or even loving by comparison because of not doing those terrible things.

Chances are, your covertly narcissistic parent also was nice to you sometimes, maybe doing nice little things for you that your other parent didn’t know about.  Nice behavior mixed in with abusive creates a great deal of confusion, especially in a child.  No one wants to believe that a person who can do such nice things can be abusive.

And, that parent made you feel as if you needed to care for him or her instead of he or she caring for you.  That created a strong bond to that parent that wasn’t created with your overtly narcissistic parent.  Caring for another person naturally creates a bond.  Look at mothers who care for their children or adult children who care for their elderly, frail parents for example.

When discussing this topic with a friend of mine some time ago, she also added that she thinks part of the reason it’s harder to accept that the covertly narcissistic parent is abusive is because that means that neither of your parents truly loved you, which is incredibly hard to face.  That is an excellent point.

Accepting one parent was abusive & didn’t love you is hard enough, but BOTH parents?!  That is incredibly painful.  No one wants to feel they aren’t loved by one parent, let alone both.  Even if you know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, realizing both your parents didn’t love you can be devastating to your self esteem.  It can make you feel unworthy, because you think if your own parents don’t love you, you must be unworthy of love.

Dear Reader, if you’re in the position of having one overt & one covert narcissistic parent, please know you aren’t alone.  This sort of situation happens more often than you might think.  And if you’re struggling coming to terms with it, you’re definitely not alone.  Many, many people have been there, including me.  As painful as it is though, you need to find a way to come to terms with the fact your covertly narcissistic parent is also abusive & not the good parent you thought he or she was.  It’s hard, but you can do it!  It will help you to accept the truth.  After all, the truth sets us free!  xoxo