Narcissists & Loyalty

Narcissists have an incredibly skewed view of loyalty.

Narcissists demand blind loyalty from people in their lives, no matter what.  The average person has the sense to realize that if they do certain things, people in their lives won’t approve, & if they do really bad things, they will lose those people.  While this seems like common sense, it’s not to narcissists.  Those in their lives are supposed to be blindly loyal to them no matter what they do.  No matter how badly they abuse & cause pain & suffering, their victims are supposed to remain by their side.  They could set an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve while kicking puppies & they would expect people in their lives to support this decision whole heartedly.  Failure to support the decision is proof of disloyalty to the narcissist.

Narcissists demand people forgive & forget any egregious behavior on their part, no matter how horrific.   A part of the blind loyalty narcissists demand from their victims is for them to forgive & forget, so the narcissist can continue abusing them without consequences.  Any confrontation from the victim seems to be taken as a betrayal by the narcissist.  They act like the victim has no right to complain about their behavior.  Narcissists also expect others the victim may tell about the abuse also to forgive & forget, to make excuses for the abuse, to deny it ever happened or to blame the victim for making the narcissist behave in such a manner.  Doing those things proves loyalty to the narcissist.

Narcissists seem to take their children growing up as a form of betrayal, as if the child has done this terrible thing on purpose just to hurt them.  Children grow up.  Everyone knows this.  Except narcissists.  To them, growing up proves their children are nothing but disloyal, disobedient & out to hurt their narcissistic parent.

All narcissists expect blind obedience, & lack of blind obedience is taken as a betrayal & sign of being disloyal.  Overt & covert narcissists demand obedience in different ways, but make no mistake about it – they do demand it.  Overts will use threats or raging while coverts use guilt, shaming & act disappointed in those who disobey them.  Either way, whatever a narcissist wants someone to do for them, it’s expected to be done post haste, & not doing so is proof of disloyalty.  Even if whatever the action is goes against someone’s morals or causes physical pain or financial loss, if the action isn’t done, the narcissist will see this person as disloyal.

Narcissists are of the mindset, “If you’re not for me, you’re against me.”  Narcissists take a difference of opinion as a personal attack & proof of your disloyalty.  They can’t seem to grasp that people don’t all think like them & it’s ok.  Thinking differently than them is wrong in their mind & proof a person isn’t to be trusted.

Clearly the view of loyalty narcissists have proves their thinking is very messed up to put it nicely.  Like their views on other topics like respect, their views on loyalty are incredibly dysfunctional & wrong.

Actually, the way narcissists view loyalty also explains a lot about the people narcissists are close to.  They share these very skewed views of loyalty.  They also have absolutely no integrity to be so incredibly loyal to someone like a narcissist even when they know the person is harming other people.  Any person with a conscience couldn’t be so loyal to a person with such terrible character deficits.

If the narcissist in your life says you’re disloyal, then take it as a complement!  It shows you’re not thinking the same warped way they are! 

Why Narcissistic Parents Defend Their Child’s Abuser

 

To Those Who Are New To Learning About Narcissistic Abuse- It’s OK, Even Necessary, To Talk About It!

When you grow up with narcissistic parents, the fear of divulging what they do to you is very real.  Narcissistic parents don’t always use threats- they don’t need to.  They have a certain look that can instill sheer terror into their child.  That fear often stays with the child into adulthood.  This benefits the narcissistic parent, because she knows her secret is safe.  However, it hurts the child.

 

Not talking about the narcissistic abuse you endured can cause many health problems, such as ulcers, high blood pressure or digestive problems.  It affects your mental health too.  Depression, anxiety, PTSD & C-PTSD are very common, even under the best of circumstances- a good therapist & caring support system.  Without those things, depression, anxiety, PTSD or C-PTSD are pretty much a given.

 

You need to talk about your experiences!  I’m not saying you need to publish books or write a blog like me, unless you feel that is the direction God is leading you, but you do need to talk for the sake of your physical & mental health.

 

I know talking about your experiences can be a scary prospect.  It also can feel like you’re being disloyal.  That is not true, however.  Telling the truth isn’t being disloyal.

 

Guilt happens too.  I think it’s pretty much impossible not to feel guilty at first.  You’re talking about something you were told your entire life you shouldn’t talk about, after all.  My mother used to tell me not to “air our dirty laundry.”  It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t “our” dirty laundry I was airing, it was hers.

 

If you’re considering talking about the things that have happened to you, please know that it’s OK to talk about it.  If you don’t feel up to talking, how about writing in a journal at first?  Writing is very therapeutic- there is something validating in seeing your experiences written out.  Also, if you take precautions, no one will see what you write, so you can feel free to let it all out.  I love http://www.my-diary.org, as it is a password protected, private online diary.

 

If you aren’t comfortable talking to another person, why not pray?  God is a great listener, & will comfort you like no one else can.  You can be completely open with Him without fear of judgment or criticism- it’s very freeing.

 

If you opt to try therapy, be sure you find a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse.  Not all therapists do, so it may take trying a few before you find one you’re comfortable with.

 

And, if you opt to talk about your experiences with those closest to you, use wisdom with deciding who to open up to.  If you share a person with the narcissistic parent who abused you, they may not want to hear about your experiences.  They may be very fond of the narcissist, &not want to hear anything bad about her.  They may not believe you.  It is better to find someone to talk to who isn’t close to the narcissist, such as a friend of yours who doesn’t know your parent(s) well.  You also need to speak with someone who is caring, supportive, objective & close to God.  You need someone who is honest enough to tell you the truth, but caring enough not to be brutal & painful with it.  If this person also gets mad for you about what you have experienced, that helps too.  I had a friend who in many ways was like a mother to me.  She was a very special lady, always had a ready smile & some encouragement.  But, when I told her some of the things my parents did to me, she would get angry on my behalf.  If this good, Christian lady who was utterly patient & held no bad feelings towards anyone was getting mad, it must be really bad.  Her anger helped to validate my pain.

 

Talking about the painful experiences you endured will help you to heal.  It will get the toxicity out of you, preventing further damage to your physical & mental health.  It also will help you to keep the blame on the abuser instead of on yourself, which is a battle for many victims of narcissistic abuse.  So please, open yourself up to talking about your experiences.  You deserve the freedom it brings you.  xoxo