Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is not an easy thing. You go through the abuse & somehow survive, only to be victimized further by people who invalidate what you have gone through.
I have heard comments such as…
- “That doesn’t sound so bad…”(from my high school guidance counselor, referring to my mother screaming at me for hours in my teen years)
- “You just need to understand her better.”
- “Nobody’s perfect!”
- “You need to fix things with your parents. Get into counseling!”
- “You need to work things out with your parents. They won’t be around forever yanno!”
- (from a different counselor after meeting my mother) “I can’t see you anymore- you’re a terrible daughter!”
- “You need to find things you have in common with your parents!”
- “You’re too negative!”
- “I can’t believe they are that bad!”
- “Are you even sure that happened? That’s a pretty serious accusation.”
- Various excuses as to why my narcissistic parents or mother in-law treated me so poorly such as she isn’t intelligent (she isn’t educated- big difference), her mother in-law didn’t like her, etc.
- Laughing at my story of being abused.
After hearing such things, I felt victimized all over again.
Victim blaming is very common in today’s society, so it’s not surprising these cruel words & more are said to victims of narcissistic abuse daily.
Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any way to avoid them entirely. All you can do is use wisdom on who you share your story with. Even when you do this, sometimes people may hurt you by invalidating your pain.
The fact is though that you can validate yourself. You can heal from narcissistic abuse even if there is no one to support you but God.
To do this, you need to lean on God. Talk to Him about how you feel. He can handle it all & wants to be there for you! Let Him be!
As for you.. you need to trust that what happened was bad. Admit it to yourself. No more excuses, no more telling yourself you’re oversensitive or weak. Narcissistic abuse permeates every part of a person’s being. It can destroy one’s self-esteem, perception of reality or even sanity. It is nothing to take lightly! If you’re having trouble with this, write your story out. When I wrote my autobiography “Emerging from the Chrysalis” a few years ago, it was hard. Very hard. For the first time, I realized just how bad the abuse I have survived really was. Yet, as hard as it was to see things in black & white, it was very freeing too. It gave me a new perspective. I realized I’m a very strong person. I also realized God must love me a great deal to have gotten me through all of that. It also helped me to see my parents as they truly are, instead of making excuses for their behavior or thinking I was the one with the problems- I really wasn’t oversensitive, overreacting, reading too much into things, etc. They have some serious problems & one of those problems is NOT me!
Once you are able to accept the truth about what you have gone through, healing will come. You will grieve, you will be angry, but these are necessary steps to freedom from narcissistic abuse. And, the more you validate yourself & heal, the less other people’s invalidation will bother you. I’m not saying it won’t hurt sometimes- it’s only human to be hurt when your pain is trivialized- but it won’t devastate you as it once did.
13 responses to “Validate Yourself”
I like to read or watch “The Father’s Love Letter” when I need a boost.It tells me how GOD sees me,not my parents.And how He disagrees with how they have slapped Him in the face regarding my very existence.”You are fearfully and wonderfully made”.That’s not what they told me.
I think the worst thing I was ever told to invalidate my feelings was, “Just let it go in one ear and out the other” It really doesn’t help anyone to say such a thing.It’s a blow off comment
That sounds so nice! Is it on youtube or netflix??
It’s definitely a blow off comment. It basically says “I don’t want to hear what you’re talking about so shut up & stop bothering me with it.” 😦
I think it’s on youtube,or you can google it and read the text
I’ll look for it… thank you! 🙂
In the case of MIL,my dad would tell me to ignore her comments,as he was afraid I would say something that made him look bad as a parent.But that only makes things worse
*sigh* I hear ya. My mother is embarrassed I don’t talk to my in-laws. Embarrassed! Doesn’t care that my mother & sisters in-law have treated me like dirt. It’s just crazy!
Sometimes with a narcissist, there isn’t any point in speaking up to them, because they’ll only turn it around on you somehow. But that isn’t always the case. It certainly wasn’t with your in-laws! That woman needed to know you wouldn’t stand for her abuse & hubby was on your side.
Yes,indeed she did
” “I don’t want to hear what you’re talking about so shut up & stop bothering me with it.”– This is almost exactly what my narc father said when I once plucked all the courage to tell him about my NM’s mean treatment, blame shift (is “blame shift” the right phrase? I mean my NM always blamed me for my younger sisters’ wrongdoings, no wonder my younger siblings also became narcs), & silent treatment. I had hoped he would talk to her about this, or at least do something to help me. Instead, he basically said those sentences! Oh, he even added “your mother is not that kind of person! ” It’s like he was accusing me indirectly of lying!! Gaslighting at its finest!
What a horrible thing for a father to tell his daughter! I’m so sorry! Wow! He sounds like a typical covert narcissist married to an overt narcissist. Is that correct?
Blame shift sounds like the right phrase to me for that behavior. Very sad you had to grow up in that situation!
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I think you are correct. My mother is definitely an overt and my father is somewhere between a covert & communal narc. What a deadly combination that is, especially to children unfortunately chosen to be their scapegoats!! I wonder how long it will take for me to evolve from a survivor to thriver *sigh*!
It;s a very deadly combination, especially for the children. It’s also a common combination, I think. Overts & coverts marry all the time- it’s a perfect, dysfunctional match.
It’ll take a long time. In fact, I think it’s a lifelong battle. I’ve been working on my healing for about 16 years now, knowing about NPD since 2011, & I still think of myself more as a victim than survivor. It’s hard to think of myself as thriver when although I’ve come a long way, I still deal with constant nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, etc. It’s not really depressing though, in spite of how it may sound. Labeling myself as a victim helps me to keep the responsibility for the abuse where it belongs- on others, not me. Since that’s something I’ve always done, take the responsibility for being abused, it’s helpful for me to be reminded that it wasn’t my fault.
Hope that helps you! ❤
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A good post to learn a lot from Cynthia
Thank you. ❤