How To Know If No Contact With Your Abusive Parent Is Necessary

Many people have very definite opinions on no contact but especially when it comes to parents.  There are so many who claim no contact is the only option & there is no excuse not to sever ties with toxic parents.  There are probably just as many who claim it’s not God’s will, no contact is dishonorable & there is absolutely no excuse to sever ties with your parents no matter what they have done to you. 

If you are in the position of wondering if no contact is your best solution, no doubt you have read information on both sides of this argument.  It can be truly overwhelming & confusing!

My purpose in this post is to help you decide whether or not no contact is necessary in your particular situation.  Following are some questions you need to consider.  When you answer them, the more honestly you answer, the more clarity you should have about whether or not you need to go no contact with your parent.

Is your parent willing to discuss your relationship?  Narcissistic parents have no desire to discuss the relationship or work towards solutions.  They don’t want to hear their victim’s complaints, & can shut down as soon as the conversation turns to their behavior.  Functional people are open to discussion & are willing to listen, not only talk.

Does your parent deny any responsibility for problems in the relationship?  Functional people admit when they are wrong.  They apologize & try to make appropriate changes.  Dysfunctional people, narcissists in particular, refuse to admit they have made mistakes.  Instead, they refuse to admit any wrong doing, shift all blame to the victim or make lame excuses for their behavior.

When discussing the relationship, does your parent turn the situation around to where you are the abuser, them the victim?  Covert narcissists in particular love to do this.  No matter how valid your complaint about their behavior, they can spin the situation around to make you look abusive, while simultaneously making them look like the innocent victim of your abusive ways.  Functional people do nothing like this.

Is your parent completely inflexible?  For any relationship to work, both parties have to be rather flexible.  One person can’t do all of the compromising & expect the relationship to be a healthy one.  Yet, narcissists aren’t concerned with what is healthy.  They’re only concerned with what they want, & what they want is a one sided relationship where their victim caters to their every whim.  Functional people are willing to bend & compromise if it means the relationship will be better.

Is your parent very entitled?  Functional parents accept that their children are grown with their own life, family & responsibilities.  They don’t expect to be their adult child’s top priority.  Entitled parents are much different.  They think their adult children need to have them as top priority even over their spouse &/or children & are impossible.  No matter how much their adult child does for them, it never will be enough nor will it please this parent.  Even if their adult child does so much for them that their spouse divorces them, it still won’t be enough.  It may please the parent, however, to have that spouse out of the picture so the adult child can focus on them even more. 

Have you tried your best to fix this relationship yet it either didn’t change or got worse?  One person can’t fix a relationship, but by altering their behavior, some change should come naturally to the relationship.  If the relationship stayed the same or got worse, that is not a good sign.  Narcissists don’t like their victims to change unless that change means the victim is more subservient.  If your parent is like the dysfunctional ones I discussed, chances are excellent that no contact is your best solution.  I don’t like to say anyone definitely should go no contact, because each person & each situation is unique.  However, the dysfunctional behaviors I’ve discussed are big signs that there is no working things out with anyone who behaves that way.  From here, I highly recommend lots of prayer & consideration of your unique situation.  And, if you realize no contact is necessary for you, then you can have peace of mind knowing you did all you could & gave it a lot of serious consideration before implementing no contact.

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “How To Know If No Contact With Your Abusive Parent Is Necessary

  1. Mine was/is so manipulative that she would take the responsibility of her actions/words just to get me in her clutches so she could turn around and do it again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • They do love that tactic. My mother did it to me only once, thank God.. that was enough. She said she realized she wasn’t a good mother. Just when I thought she realized the truth & was starting to feel elated (obviously I knew nothing of NPD at this time), she said, “Obviously I wasn’t.. just look how you turned out.” It was a knife in my heart. My father used that tactic all the time & it was sooooooo frustrating!! He constantly wanted my reassurance that he was a good father. I couldn’t give it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Then you know all too well what I dealt with. It’s refreshing to have someone that knows and understands that type of abuse. Because it can be so covert that it destroys your self esteem. Takes many years to undo

        Like

        • Oh yes. There are lots of people who experience(d) the same thing. It’s a typical tactic they use when others fail.

          It is covert.. people without much emotional intelligence or empathy don’t really see it for what it is.

          It truly destroys self esteem & takes years to undo the damage. All ways narcissists abuse are that same way.

          Like

      • ibikenyc

        What? WHAT? >:-( Sputtering with indignation!

        PLUS how, exactly, is it that she somehow just skates right past what she’s saying about HERSELF with that?????

        (Okay; shut yourself down, now, so she doesn’t see that she got to you!)

        Like

        • I know!! It was just astounding! Here we are years & years later & still am blown away when I remember that. Makes me wonder why her death affected me so profoundly. You’d think I would’ve been singing “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” while drinking champagne…

          Liked by 1 person

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