Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

As if growing up with a narcissistic parent or even two isn’t challenging & painful enough, these children often are subjected to stupid, ignorant comments by other people that add onto the pain.  Those in their extended family, friends of the parent’s & even those who don’t know them often have very definite opinions of the parent/child relationship.  For whatever foolish reasons, many of these people feel those opinions must be shared with the victim of narcissistic parents.  Today some comments will be discussed, as well as why they are absolutely wrong in the hopes anyone reading this won’t fall for this evil manipulation.

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel.  This would make sense if your parents were normal people of average emotional intelligence & empathy.  In those cases, talking things out often works.  When you are discussing a narcissist, talking things out never works.  It often leads to no resolution while their victim ends up feeling even worse than they did prior to the conversation.  Narcissists do NOT care how their victims feel.  They only care how they feel.  They also can’t handle any criticism, no matter how tactfully it may be said.  They take it as a personal attack, & retaliate with blind rage.  Talking to them about how they have hurt you is a terrible idea.

Try seeing things from your parent’s perspective.  Abused children do this over & over.  They try figuring out what they did wrong or did to deserve to be treated this way.  Just because they can understand why a parent would abuse them doesn’t mean they have done something wrong.  It means they aren’t abusive or abuse apologists.

Kids always blame their parents & don’t accept any responsibility for their own behavior.  This is absolutely false.  Parents get plenty of both blame & praise because childhood forms so much of who we grow into as adults, good, bad & indifferent.  Saying your parent was abusive isn’t blaming them for all of your problems.  It is telling the truth & laying blame for being abusive squarely on your abusive parent’s shoulders which is where it belongs!

Your parent tried his/her best.  This is nothing but a lame excuse for abusive behavior.  There are very few people who truly don’t know the difference between right & wrong.  A parent trying their best will make mistakes, of course because they are only human.  That parent will NOT deliberately hurt their child, try to hide their behavior & punish their child for divulging their abusive behavior.

Parents always love their children no matter what.  This is a complete falsehood.  Many parents feel this way, but not all do.  Some see their child as an inconvenience, a burden or a mistake from the moment of that child’s conception.  If you don’t believe me, read about cases of abused children, such as Dave Pelzer, author of the book, “A Child Called It”.  No one can convince me his mother loved him.

Your parent was always so nice to me!  And the point is…?  Abusers are rarely abusive to everyone.  Instead, they have a Jekyll & Hyde personality.  They are sweet as pie to many people, but to their victims, they are exceedingly cruel.  Their victims are usually the only ones who see the depths of their cruelty, & this is what abusers want.  This means those who have seen the nice side of abusers don’t believe victims, which means abusers are free to abuse their victims without consequences.

Your parent is a teacher, police officer, pastor, counselor, etc, so he/she couldn’t be a bad person!  Abusers often enjoy working in these helping type professions for a few reasons.  They are in a position of authority, so they are able to abuse, control & manipulate others.  They also are looked at as good people, so anyone who accuses them of abuse most likely won’t be believed.  And, they have a lot of access to people to abuse.  While plenty of wonderful people work in such fields, plenty of abusers do too.  Not every teacher, officer, pastor, counselor, etc. is a good, caring person & assuming they all are is simply foolish.

If anyone says such invalidating comments to you regarding your abusive parent, please know that it truly has nothing to do with you.  These comments are made by people who have their own preconceived ideas.  Many of those people don’t want to accept anything that contradicts their own ideas, so rather than open their minds, they try to shut down victims as a way of helping them keep their denial in tact.  They are hurting you as a way to protect themselves, & that truly has nothing to do with you.  Don’t accept what they say as truth, because it isn’t true at all!