Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

As if growing up with a narcissistic parent or even two isn’t challenging & painful enough, these children often are subjected to stupid, ignorant comments by other people that add onto the pain.  Those in their extended family, friends of the parent’s & even those who don’t know them often have very definite opinions of the parent/child relationship.  For whatever foolish reasons, many of these people feel those opinions must be shared with the victim of narcissistic parents.  Today some comments will be discussed, as well as why they are absolutely wrong in the hopes anyone reading this won’t fall for this evil manipulation.

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel.  This would make sense if your parents were normal people of average emotional intelligence & empathy.  In those cases, talking things out often works.  When you are discussing a narcissist, talking things out never works.  It often leads to no resolution while their victim ends up feeling even worse than they did prior to the conversation.  Narcissists do NOT care how their victims feel.  They only care how they feel.  They also can’t handle any criticism, no matter how tactfully it may be said.  They take it as a personal attack, & retaliate with blind rage.  Talking to them about how they have hurt you is a terrible idea.

Try seeing things from your parent’s perspective.  Abused children do this over & over.  They try figuring out what they did wrong or did to deserve to be treated this way.  Just because they can understand why a parent would abuse them doesn’t mean they have done something wrong.  It means they aren’t abusive or abuse apologists.

Kids always blame their parents & don’t accept any responsibility for their own behavior.  This is absolutely false.  Parents get plenty of both blame & praise because childhood forms so much of who we grow into as adults, good, bad & indifferent.  Saying your parent was abusive isn’t blaming them for all of your problems.  It is telling the truth & laying blame for being abusive squarely on your abusive parent’s shoulders which is where it belongs!

Your parent tried his/her best.  This is nothing but a lame excuse for abusive behavior.  There are very few people who truly don’t know the difference between right & wrong.  A parent trying their best will make mistakes, of course because they are only human.  That parent will NOT deliberately hurt their child, try to hide their behavior & punish their child for divulging their abusive behavior.

Parents always love their children no matter what.  This is a complete falsehood.  Many parents feel this way, but not all do.  Some see their child as an inconvenience, a burden or a mistake from the moment of that child’s conception.  If you don’t believe me, read about cases of abused children, such as Dave Pelzer, author of the book, “A Child Called It”.  No one can convince me his mother loved him.

Your parent was always so nice to me!  And the point is…?  Abusers are rarely abusive to everyone.  Instead, they have a Jekyll & Hyde personality.  They are sweet as pie to many people, but to their victims, they are exceedingly cruel.  Their victims are usually the only ones who see the depths of their cruelty, & this is what abusers want.  This means those who have seen the nice side of abusers don’t believe victims, which means abusers are free to abuse their victims without consequences.

Your parent is a teacher, police officer, pastor, counselor, etc, so he/she couldn’t be a bad person!  Abusers often enjoy working in these helping type professions for a few reasons.  They are in a position of authority, so they are able to abuse, control & manipulate others.  They also are looked at as good people, so anyone who accuses them of abuse most likely won’t be believed.  And, they have a lot of access to people to abuse.  While plenty of wonderful people work in such fields, plenty of abusers do too.  Not every teacher, officer, pastor, counselor, etc. is a good, caring person & assuming they all are is simply foolish.

If anyone says such invalidating comments to you regarding your abusive parent, please know that it truly has nothing to do with you.  These comments are made by people who have their own preconceived ideas.  Many of those people don’t want to accept anything that contradicts their own ideas, so rather than open their minds, they try to shut down victims as a way of helping them keep their denial in tact.  They are hurting you as a way to protect themselves, & that truly has nothing to do with you.  Don’t accept what they say as truth, because it isn’t true at all! 

Why We Need to Stop Excusing Abusers And Start Supporting Victims

It’s heartbreaking to watch the media & society excuse abusers while victim-shaming survivors of abuse.  This behavior is both damaging and dangerous, leaving victims feeling isolated, depressed, & without the support they need to help them heal.  No one should ever be made to feel like they are wrong or that they deserve the abuse they are suffering.

Victim-shaming is not only wrong, it’s incredibly damaging to those who have been abused.  It can leave them feeling like they have nowhere to turn & that they are to blame for the abuse.  We need to do better, starting with understanding what victim-shaming is & why it needs to stop.

Victim-shaming is when someone blames or shames a victim of abuse, making them feel like they are responsible for the abuse they suffered.  This can include things like saying that “it takes two to tango,” implying that the victim has to take some responsibility for the abuse, or requiring the victim to provide a lot of evidence to prove that they were abused even when that is impossible such as in cases of verbal abuse.  This behavior puts the blame & shame on the victim instead of on the abuser.  It can leave victims feeling like they are wrong, crazy, or even to blame for the abuse.

Victim-shaming is obviously wrong & can be incredibly damaging to victims who are already in an emotionally vulnerable state.  It can leave them feeling isolated & without the help or support they need to heal from the trauma of the abuse.  This is unspeakably cruel!

Victim-shaming should not be tolerated.  It’s important to understand that victims of abuse need help & support, not judgment or criticism.  People need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims!

Victims need emotional support, understanding, & help to leave the abusive relationship.  Making them feel like they are wrong or to blame for the abuse they suffered will only make them feel more isolated & trapped in the abusive relationship.  It can also leave them feeling like they are crazy or that no one will believe them if they report the abuse.

We need to do better for victims of abuse!  We need to start believing them, providing them with emotional support, & helping them find the resources they need to heal from the trauma of the abuse.  We need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims of all types of abuse!

If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, let them know that you are there for them & that you believe them.  Offer them emotional support & help them find the resources they need to heal & to leave the abusive relationship.  Let them know that they are not alone, & that they are not to blame for the abuse they suffered.

Victim-shaming is extremely damaging and wrong.  We as a society need to stop excusing abusers & start supporting victims.  If you know someone who is a victim of abuse, let them know that you are there for them & that you believe them.  Be there for them.  Let them know that they are not alone & that they are not to blame.

Let’s all do our part to end victim-shaming & start supporting victims of abuse.  Together, we can make a difference & help those in need.

The Truth Versus Your Truth

A fairly common saying among people today is about speaking “your truth.”  It sounds empowering on the surface, doesn’t it?  But if you look a bit deeper than just at the surface, you see it is far from empowering. 

“Your truth” can be anything.  Your truth could be that grass is purple, as an example.  You could believe that with every single fiber of your being.  You could post it all over social media, wear clothing that says grass is purple & even message or call everyone you know daily to remind them that you believe that grass is purple.  Your conviction, however strong it may be, doesn’t mean that grass is indeed purple.  The truth is that grass is green, not purple.  And, encouraging someone to believe that the grass is purple instead of all evidence that proves it’s green is enabling some belief that isn’t true.  That is never a good thing!

Abuse survivors frequently are told to speak “their truth.”  This often seems very condescending to me, as if the person saying this is telling the victim “you weren’t really abused, but if it makes you feel better saying that you were, then go for it!”  If someone is abused, that abuse isn’t simply “their truth.”  If someone was abused in any way – verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, financially or spiritually – that is the truth.  It isn’t subjective.  It’s a fact.  To tell a person that “their truth” is that someone abused them rather than recognizing it as a fact is very minimizing of the real truth.

I firmly believe people who use the phrase “your truth” often are being manipulative.  Not always, since some people innocently use the phrase in trying to help others of course, but I don’t see that happening all that often.  Much more frequently, when this phrase is used, manipulation is involved.  People who use this phrase may be trying to make someone feel stupid & themselves superior by patronizing them when they use the phrase, “your truth” instead of “the truth.”  They also may be trying to stop the person they are speaking with from discussing abuse by making them feel badly or doubt that they were abused when they say comments about “your truth.”  Such a snarky, condescending comment can make most people doubt what they say is truly accurate.  Whatever the reason, when a person says something about you discussing “your truth,” it often is a big red flag, & should not be ignored.

When someone says something about you speaking “your truth”, it can be hard not to submit to their belittling, minimizing attitude, especially if you have been abused.  Abusers minimize their victims’ complaints & concerns, which can make them doubt themselves with or without their abusers’ input.  It simply becomes a very bad habit.  I want to encourage you today not to doubt yourself though!  Remind yourself that there is no such thing as “your truth.”  There is only “the truth.”  If you have any doubts about what the truth is in your situation, then research what the Bible has to say about the topic at hand.  The Bible can prove or disprove any topic, & is full of the real truth.  After all, God is the God of truth, according to Psalm 31:5.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O Lord, the God of truth and faithfulness.” 

Labeling Victims Of Abuse As Survivors Can Be A Mistake

Many people, even those who have survived narcissistic abuse, look down on anyone who uses the term “victim.”  It seems to offend some people who survived narcissistic abuse to be referred to as a victim, because they prefer to be called a survivor.  Others who haven’t survived narcissistic abuse but still find the term victim offensive seem to look down on anyone who considers herself or himself to be a victim.  They obviously associate the term victim with someone who is weak &/or foolish, as if only weak & foolish people can be abused.  They also seem to think victims are those who wallow in the pain of their trauma, & never move on.  They have PTSD or C-PTSD because they won’t just stop thinking about the trauma.  If they’d just stop thinking about it, they’d be fine!

Whatever the motive, many times victims are pushed & even shamed into referring to themselves as survivors & never victims.  This can be a problem for victims!

There is absolutely no shame in falling prey to an abusive person.  Narcissists are notorious for being phenomenal actors.  They can fool anyone no matter how smart or even how much a person may know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The more you know, naturally the quicker you can catch onto their behavior, but even so, there is a chance you can be fooled briefly.  I have been & I’ve been studying narcissism since 2011!  Anyway there is truly no shame in being abused.  The only shame in any abusive relationship belongs to the abusive person, never their victim.

Also, putting the survivor label on people can make them feel pressured to heal quickly or even get over the abuse entirely (which is unlikely).  Rushing healing never works out well.  Healing has to be done at its own pace & that pace varies greatly from person to person.  Not to mention, most of the time, it’s a life long process.  Very few people completely “get over” abuse, especially when there is a history of it such as growing up with abusive parents then dating or marrying abusive partners.

I think a lot of times people put the survivor label on victims to make themselves more comfortable.  Maybe it makes them feel that since the person survived, the abuse wasn’t that bad.  If it was someone they knew, this can help them feel better about themselves if they did nothing to help the victim.  Or, maybe it is spoken out of simple ignorance.  They intend to be empowering & comforting yet are unsure how to do it. 

As for those who have been abused, I really believe it should be each person’s preference which label they use, so long as each person accepts the fact that they were victims of an abuser & have no shame for that.  Removing yourself from the abuse by calling yourself a survivor can be empowering to some people, & that is wonderful.  Whatever helps is a good thing! 

For myself, I stick with using the term victim.  I don’t want to sound like I’m looking for pity or attention, because truly that’s not the case.  Instead, by using that term, I’m reminding myself that what happened to me wasn’t my fault.  I was innocent & did nothing to deserve the abuse.  This helps me because my abusers blamed me for their bad behavior.  Even years after, I have moments of slipping back into wondering what I did wrong to make them treat me the way they did.  Thankfully, those moments don’t last long, but they do happen.  Referring to myself as a victim is a little reminder every time I say or write it that what they did to me was their fault, not mine.

However you choose to refer to yourself is up to you.  But please, whether you prefer the term victim or survivor, let it be your choice.  Don’t let anyone pressure you into referring to yourself in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with.

Why Some People Treat Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse So Badly

I use an online diary.  It sends me periodic emails saying things like, “Last year on this date, you wrote…” then includes a link to that entry.  Recently it showed me an entry I made in February, 2020.

That day, I wrote about how I had joined Instagram to follow someone who shares information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I hadn’t even set anything up on my account when I got an email saying someone was following me.  It turned out it was one of my cousins who was so awful to me when my father was dying.  I blocked her at first, then immediately decided that wasn’t good enough.  I deleted my Instagram account, & haven’t gone to the site since.

I prayed about this, asking God why would this person follow me?  She hates me & has made the very clear for a long time.  He told me something that I thought may help other victims of narcissistic abuse, so I want to share that with you today.

“She’s insanely, obsessively, morbidly envious.  She thinks you’ve had this easy, charmed life.  When she sees you “whining” about your childhood, it justifies her hatred of you in her mind.  She felt her parents didn’t really care about her.  She saw yours shelter you.  That’s where the envy began.”

“She had to lie to herself about her parents’ loving her & being close to your aunt.  She thinks you’re lying about yours & being a spoiled brat.  She thinks you’re petty & weren’t really abused.  She also can’t accept that her uncle would be abusive or marry someone who was.”

“She thinks abuse is only physical or sexual.  Verbal abuse doesn’t count to her.  She thinks NPD is a made up thing you use to justify talking about your parents as you do.”

“The devil feeds her delusions.  He makes her think the things she does, & feeds her rage & disgust of you.”

Pretty disturbing isn’t it?  Sadly though, many people abuse victims of narcissistic abuse & I would guess many have very similar motivations behind their behavior.

My mother was definitely the engulfing type of narcissistic mother, so to the outside world, she looked attentive, caring, & somewhat over protective.  My father went along with her behavior.  Also, I never complained because this is what abused kids learn to do to survive.  To anyone not intimately involved with my parents & I, we looked like a tight knit family.

Consider my cousin I mentioned earlier.  She came from a very dysfunctional & abusive childhood.  It’s no wonder she thought my childhood was so happy & care free.  She only saw what she was allowed to see, & never knew what went on behind closed doors.  Her observations combined with the devil validating her feelings turned her into someone who is very envious for no good reason.  Her way to cope with it was to treat me badly. 

What about those in your life who have treated you similarly?  Could this fit them as well?  If so, there is only a small amount of advice I have on dealing with such people, but I believe it will help you as it has me.

Remember that their behavior stems from their dysfunction & lack of relationship with God.  It isn’t really about you, although they will make it sound that way.  Don’t accept whatever they say about you because it is wrong! 

If at all possible, end the relationship.  People like this are very convicted in their wrong beliefs.  You won’t be able to change their mind, so don’t waste your time trying.  Sever ties & block all ways they can reach you.

Lastly, pray for them.  The Bible says we are to pray for our enemies, so pray for this person to see the truth & for evil spirits to leave them alone.  Doing this helps them as well as you because over time, it helps you to release the anger you naturally feel towards them. 

Trauma Responses & Guilt

Many of us who have experienced trauma experience a lot of guilt about how we responded during a traumatic event.  I have experienced this.  When my mother & I got into an argument & she threw me into a wall when I was 19 in 1990, I blacked out & bit her during the assault.  To this day I remember how shocking it felt to hit the wall then suddenly coming to as she was releasing her hold on me that pinned me to the wall.  And when I came to, I ran from the house & sped away in a cloud of tire smoke.  For many years after, I felt incredibly guilty for the entire event.  Mostly because I bit my mother & she had a scar from that, but also for the fact I gave in to her.  She was itching for a fight the moment I walked in the door after work that evening.  I recognized the look immediately & in spite of knowing nothing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I knew getting into an argument would result in something bad for me, yet I did it anyway. 

While it may sound ridiculous to you, this triggered an intense amount of guilt in me!  I gave in rather than simply leave which would have been the smart thing to do.  And, thanks to me, my mother had a physical scar.  Horrible!

As you read this, you probably are thinking things like, “But you were only 19!”  “You didn’t know about narcissism!”  “You were defending yourself!”  “You couldn’t move so how else could you defend yourself?”  And you know something?  Those are all correct.  That isn’t how it felt at the time of the incident however, or for over twenty years after it happened.

Do you feel guilt about a response during a traumatic event too?  If so, please show yourself the same mercy you were just willing to show me! 

During trauma, the brain is overridden by survival instincts.  While that is a good thing in the sense that survival instincts will help you to survive, they also may cause you to behave out of the ordinary & in a way that may be embarrassing to you.  Please try to let that go!  Survival instincts are there for a reason.  They help a person to survive.  Whether your instinct is fight, flight, freeze or fawn, that instinct helped to save you from a potentially even worse fate.  That makes your survival instinct pretty impressive!  Don’t discount it!  Embrace it!  Be grateful that it is partly why you survived!

Don’t forget to analyze the event too.  If you analyze it, you had no other choice.  Maybe you’re thinking that you did, but also consider yourself at the time.  You may not have known any better, which led you to make the best choice you could at the time.  This can be difficult, I know.  I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for poor choices I’ve made in my life, too, but you know something?  That is a waste of time!  You aren’t the same person you were who made a less than ideal choice during a time of extreme duress.  You did your best & that is all anyone can expect.  You also survived the traumatic event, so you should be proud of yourself!

Please just remember, Dear Reader, that even if your trauma responses haven’t been what you wish they were, you have no reason to be embarrassed or feel guilty about them.  They did their job, which was to help you survive.

Blessings Are Possible In Spite Of Narcissistic Abuse

Those of us who have suffered through narcissistic abuse know trauma, depression, misery & even what it feels like to consider suicide.  We have gone through such horrific events that it can feel nearly impossible to find any good in life.  Yet we are still blessed!  Not because of the abuse, of course, but in spite of it.

Victims of narcissistic abuse always feel weak in the midst of their suffering because they are powerless, but truly, they are strong.  It takes an incredible amount of strength to escape the abuse against all efforts of the narcissist to keep you in the relationship.  It also takes a great deal of strength to escape with no self esteem, & when you believe you aren’t able to survive without the narcissist in your life.  Having such strength, especially in spite of the narcissist’s efforts to destroy it, is a huge blessing! 

Victims of narcissistic abuse are also incredibly brave.  Narcissists aren’t always physically abusive.  They don’t have to be.  They can terrify victims with a simple look that can make a victim fear or their life.  Going against someone that appears to be incredibly powerful & capable of causing you great pain & suffering is extremely brave!  Being so brave is another huge blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are very appreciative.  After surviving horrific abuse, victims have a different mentality than the average person.  Victims know how bad things can be & how cruel people can be.  They have learned to greatly value all of the good things in life.  Living life with an appreciative spirit is a wonderful thing that can bring a great deal of joy, & is another blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are loyal.  When someone who claimed to love you abuses you to the point of destroying your personhood, it’s hard to trust other people.  Once a victim trusts someone & that someone is good to them, however, they are incredibly loyal.  Good people are exceptionally precious to those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  Victims will adore & protect these people fiercely, which is why they often make wonderful friends & romantic partners.  Friend & romantic partners appreciate such loyalty, so again, this is another blessing.

Victims of narcissistic abuse who turn to God have an extremely close relationship with Him.  Of all of the things I have mentioned so far, this is the most wonderful one, in my opinion.  I saved the best for last.  In typical narcissist fashion, narcissists do their best to convince their victims to believe as they believe.  The narcissistic atheist expects their victim to share their beliefs.  There are also narcissists who know enough about the Bible to be able to twist Scripture around to the point of justifying their abuse.  Such behaviors often convolute a victim’s view of God.  For someone to survive this yet come away with faith on any level is impressive, but many have an extremely intimate relationship with God.  He blesses these people greatly, too.  Isaiah 9: 2-3 says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.  3 You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing the plunder.” (NIV)  I can’t help but think God has a special place in His heart for those who have been abused, which is why He blesses victims in this way.

By sharing these thoughts, I’m not saying that any victim of abuse should be grateful for their traumatic experiences.  I am saying though that it’s good to look at these blessings in your life & be so grateful for them.  Be grateful that in spite of the narcissist’s best efforts, he or she couldn’t take these gifts from you.  And, be proud of yourself for surviving all that you have!  That, as you well know, is no easy feat!

For Those Who Judge Victims For Tolerating Abuse

Doing Weird Things After Narcissistic Abuse

I’ve done something for so long, I didn’t even realize I did it until recently.  When I drive past a building with big glass windows or some sort of reflective surface, I look at myself driving.

Recently I caught myself doing this & thought, ok, I’m weird.  I’ve known this for years & accepted my weirdness.  This looking at myself driving thing though.. wow.  I don’t even like looking at myself in a mirror when I put on makeup or looking at pictures of myself.  Making my YouTubes is a big struggle for me, so why am I doing this?!

Suddenly it hit me… because when I was a teenager, I had to fight my mother terribly to get a driver’s license.  My friends were driving at 16, & their parents often bought them their first car.  Their parents put everything in their name to keep insurance costs down.  Meanwhile I had to fight my mother badly to get a license.  She wouldn’t even let me see my birth certificate.  She showed it to the employee at the Motor Vehicles Administration after shielding me from seeing it.  When I failed the first test, she told me she knew I would because I wasn’t ready to drive.  When I got my permit & wanted to get myself a car, she told me she’d take me shopping one day so I could see how stupid I was for thinking I could afford a car.  She picked a car out for me that I absolutely HATED.  It was ugly & over priced.

A month or so later, I picked out my first car & got my license.. here is a picture that my mother took of me with that special & I still think absolutely adorable little car..

This is me in 1989 with Baby, my 1978 Buick Skyhawk that I hope to restore one day.

I realized something recently…

The reason I still ogle myself driving when I can isn’t just because I like my pretty cars.  It’s because I never take driving for granted.  I had to fight hard to get my license.  I paid for my first car, insurance, maintenance & everything by myself.  I worked hard & accomplished what I wanted to.  No one can take that away from me.  My first car in particular is a symbol of that which is why she’s special to me &  I hope to restore her.  Driving any car reminds me of what I managed to accomplish on my own though, no thanks to my parents.  I’m proud of that, & seeing myself behind the wheel of a car, in particular my own, is a reminder of that.

I mentioned this to my husband recently & was rather nervous about admitting it.  He shocked me by understanding completely & said “You should be proud of that!  Celebrate it!  Enjoy driving!  Take pictures of yourself behind the wheel!”  That helped me to see that maybe I’m not as weird as I thought I was..

Is there anything “strange” you do that is like what I do?  If so, I want to encourage you to embrace that.  Don’t think of it as weird like I have done with looking at myself when driving.  Instead, celebrate it!  Be proud of whatever it is you have accomplished in spite of your narcissistic parent.  You did something on your own without the help of a narcissistic parent.  That isn’t an easy feat when you consider you have had a narcissistic parent or two trying to keep you down your whole life.  Be proud that you overcame that & still did whatever it is that you did.  It’s ok to be proud of yourself!  You deserve to feel that way!  xoxo

For My Younger Readers Living With Abusive Parents

Those of you young men & women who are still living at home with your abusive parent (or parents), this post is for you today.

You are in a rough place, as you well know.  I’ve been there too, & I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.  Until you can move out, no doubt you could use some advice to help you cope.

I hope those of you reading this share my faith.  Knowing God has been the most important part of my life, including helping me to survive the abuse.  When I was living with my parents, however, I didn’t believe in God because of the abuse.  No doubt many of you feel the same way & your parents also have misused religion as an excuse to abuse you.  Please know that God is nothing like what abusive parents say He is!  He is loving & kind, & will gladly help you through this!  If you’d like to learn more, click this link: https://cynthiabaileyrug.com/home/salvation-through-jesus-christ/

Learn everything you possibly can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The more you understand it, the more it will help you to figure out ways to cope with your parent’s behavior.  It also will help you to remember that you are NOT the problem, your narcissistic parent is.  While that may seem obvious when you first learn about NPD, narcissists can be very manipulative.  Even to the point of making others believe they are the real problem in the relationship.  That happened to me with both my parents & my ex husband.  I honestly believed I was the problem in spite of them clearly being the abusers.  Not only did I feel awful but they used that as another way to control me.  Since I thought I was so awful, I trusted them to tell me how to be better.  Learn from my mistake!  Abusers are always the problem!

When dealing with your parent, try to show as little emotion as possible.  The reason being narcissists use people’s emotions against them.  Are you happy?  The narcissist will try to make you sad.  Are you sad or angry?  The narcissist will try to make you sadder or angrier, then tell you that you’re crazy because of how you feel.  Always remain unemotional around your parent.

Save up money as best you can.  Be frugal with your money & save as much as you can, because you are going to need quite a bit to get a car & to move out.  Also, stash your money somewhere where your parent can’t get to it.  Many narcissistic parents steal from their children, so you need to be careful about where you hide your money.

Move out to somewhere safe as soon as possible.  A roommate helps financially, so that may be an option.  You’ll need someone who has a steady job & is responsible, as well as someone you get along well with.  Some folks rent out rooms in their home, too.  Or, maybe a friend or relative would let you move in with them.  Consider your options & make plans as best you can.  Don’t share your plans with anyone that might tell your parent about them, however.

If at all possible, buy what you can to prepare for moving out.  If you plan to live with a relative or rent a room, you probably won’t need much.  A bedroom set, toiletries, towels.. things like this.  If you have a friend or relative that knows your situation, they might be willing to hold these items for you until you need them so your parent doesn’t find out about your plans.

I know all of this must seem overwhelming, but really you got this!  You have survived so much up to this point which shows you are strong!  You can do it!!

The Lens Of Victim-hood

On Survival Mode

In the past several months since my parents have stopped speaking to me, I’ve gained quite an education.

 

One thing I’ve learned is about survival mode.  Survival mode is a way of behaving in an abusive situation.  Basically, your emotions are shut off & you do whatever you need to in order to get through the awful situation.  Barely speaking so as not to say something that upsets your abuser, for example.

 

I’ve learned that survival mode doesn’t necessarily end when the relationship ends.  In my case, my parents didn’t say outright that they never wanted to speak to me again- they just stopped calling me.  I think that is why I stayed in survival mode for months after our last conversations, I didn’t know for sure if they’d call or not.  When I realized months had passed since I’ve heard from them (11 for my mother, 4 for my father to date- not her longest silent treatment, but it is his) only then did survival mode end.  This happened with my in-laws too.  I stopped speaking to them in 2002, but survival mode didn’t end for months after.

 

I think this means that the brain wants to be completely, 110% sure that the abusers are gone before it can relax.  Survival mode is all about protecting you, so it makes sense the brain would want to be absolutely certain all danger is gone before it exits survival mode.

 

I’ve also learned that once survival mode is gone, emotions come out.  Naturally when you’re in survival mode, your emotions get put on the back burner because you’re focused only on surviving.  Once the danger is gone, emotions come to the surface, including ones that have been suppressed for a long time.  It can feel overwhelming especially when you haven’t dealt with them for a very long time.  However, I firmly believe it’s necessary to deal with them.

 

Without the burden of focusing on survival, I feel like I’m noticing every little thing.  Unfortunately, part of that includes triggers.  They seem to happen constantly.  The other day, I saw a TV show where this lady’s son in-law cheated on her daughter.  Although the daughter forgave him & he promised to mend his ways, the mother still was very upset.  When she told her son in-law that there is no pain worse than watching your child suffer & you not being able to fix it, I flashed back to the fight I had with my parents last May.  My father changed the subject to really odd topics to deflect my yelling at him.  My mother sighed an obviously bored sigh as I cried & yelled at her until I gave up & told her if she had anything to say before I hang up, do it now.  Her chance to apologize turned into her whining about having vertigo (for the record, I have it too- yes, it sucks, but you’d think when your normally calm, rational daughter is that upset, that might just take priority..).  I realized that caring parent isn’t something I’ll ever have, & it hurt me enough to make me burst into tears, something I rarely do.

 

In order to handle these experiences, I rely on God a LOT.  I tell Him how I feel & He reassures me, comforts me & explains what’s happening.  He also shows me things that help.  For example, I can be scrolling through Facebook when a meme or article that pertains to my situation pops up, & the information in it is very helpful to me.

 

I also write in my journal- seeing things written out is a good way to gain clarity.  Not sure why that is, but it’s true.  Seeing events written out as well as my feelings has helped me to see the situation clearer, instead of through the eyes of someone whose views are skewed hurt by narcissistic abuse.

 

Talking about things with a safe person is helpful too.  I’ve told my husband some of what’s been going on.  Sometimes, he gets angry or looks completely shocked by things I’ve shared about my parents.  That lets me know it’s not normal!  When you grow up with narcissists, abuse & bizarre is your normal.  Even as an adult, it can be hard to let go of that & embrace the healthy & good things.  Having someone you love & trust say that certain things were wrong or bizarre is helpful in letting go of those bad beliefs.

 

Dear Reader, if you too have been in survival mode for a long time, these things may happen with you too.  Or maybe they’re happening already.  If so, please rest assured that you are fine!  It may not feel that way but you are.  Ending survival mode is truly a good thing.  Your mind & body finally can relax, & you can deal with those long buried emotions.

The Butterfly Project

Recently I was inspired to create something to help inspire those who have suffered narcissistic abuse.  (Well, ok, I stole the idea but with full blessings of the creator of it.  lol)

I started making origami butterflies that I will be glad to give away to anyone wanting one.  The premise behind this is to remind victims of narcissistic abuse that they are like the butterfly- they may have entered a dark lonely place (narcissistic abuse) like a caterpillar entering the chrysalis, then like the butterfly, they emerged beautifully.  Just because they were once stuck in that place didn’t mean that they would stay that way forever.

My hope is that these little butterflies also will help to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse & the serious damage it causes.

For further information & to learn how to get one, please click the link below.

The Butterfly Project

How Long Does It Take To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse?

I have been asked quite a few times how long it takes to recover fully from narcissistic abuse. I believe it to be a lifelong battle, unfortunately. However, I don’t want to discourage you with that, because there is good news. Although it can be a lifelong battle, it does get easier!

You will stumble sometimes, but even so, you are constantly getting stronger as you heal. The more wisdom you gain about NPD & the effects of its abuse, the more strength it gives you. You finally realize it wasn’t your fault, & that you’re suffering the normal effects of abnormal treatment.

The dark times of depression come less frequently & don’t last as long when they come.

There are times you feel stuck, as if you are always going to be depressed, anxious, or feel like you’re going crazy. But, the longer you have been healing, the less frequently those times happen. They, like depression, won’t last as long on the rare occasions when they happen.

Your self-esteem soars. Sure, sometimes you may backslide into feeling like the worthless piece of garbage your narcissistic mother always said you were, but at least that isn’t how you constantly feel anymore. They’re merely fleeting moments. When you realize this dysfunctional thinking is happening, you remind yourself that isn’t true. Healthy self-esteem also stops the dysfunctional people-pleasing at your own expense ways many children of narcissistic parents possess.

You try to practice good self-care rituals- prayer, relaxing activities, participating in fun hobbies. Granted, sometimes you let your schedule get too busy, but the healthier you become, the quicker you are to realize this mistake & make the appropriate changes.

I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to change how you think about your recovery. While it may be a lifelong battle with no definite end, try to focus instead on the good that comes during your healing. Focus on each baby step, every bit of progress you make. Your narcissistic mother tried to destroy you, but she didn’t! You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Little by little, you are getting healthier & happier. Maybe right now you aren’t where you want to be, & feel like you have a long way to go. How about instead focusing on how far you have come? You are no longer that wounded, dysfunctional little child, but instead are a grown woman who is getting stronger & healthier each day!

Is Discussing Narcissistic Abuse Too “Negative”?

Recently, I was told what I write about is too negative.  I’m sure many of you have heard similar things for talking or writing about your experiences with narcissistic abuse.  I’m writing this for you, Dear Reader.   I hope it helps you.  xoxo

I’ll admit, the main topic of my writing, narcissism & narcissistic abuse, aren’t exactly positive, happy topics!  I’ll also admit that sometimes, it gets to me, writing about such dark things.  That being said, I will continue to write about what I write about for several reasons.

To start with, I believe this to be a calling from God, & I take any calling from Him very seriously.  Everyone has a calling, usually several during the course of their lives.  Ephesians 4:11-13 states, “And His gifts were [varied; He Himself appointed and gave men to us] some to be apostles (special messengers), some prophets (inspired preachers and expounders), some evangelists (preachers of the Gospel, traveling missionaries), some pastors (shepherds of His flock) and teachers.  ¹² His intention was the perfecting and the full equipping of the saints (His consecrated people), [that they should do] the work of ministering toward building up Christ’s body (the church)  ¹³ [That it might develop] until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the [full and accurate] knowledge of the Son of God, that [we might arrive] at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard height of Christ’s own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him.”  (AMP) 

Also, writing about what I learn helps me to make sense of the things I have gone through, as well as to help others to do the same.  So many who have suffered with narcissistic abuse are struggling to make sense of it all.  I can help a little by sharing my experiences as well as what I have learned.

Writing about things also helps to loosen the hold the abuse has on me.  By being open about things, I am losing the shame I once felt for being abused, & am able to see more & more how none of it was my fault.  This not only helps me, but enables me to get the message to other victims that being abused is NOT their fault.

It also helps to make my pain count for something.  Knowing I am able to help other people means my pain was not in vain.  Something good has come from something horrible!

Also, by being open  about the taboo topic of narcissistic parents, it helps to raise awareness of this insidious, evil form of abuse.  It makes it safe for victims to talk about it with other victims instead of quietly suffering alone.  So many are afraid to talk about what their mother did to them, because so many people put mothers on a pedestal.  People make victims feel guilty for being abused, as if it was their fault!  They can’t seem to grasp that a mother would abuse her child.  Certainly the child must be exaggerating.  Of course the mother made mistakes- no one is perfect- & the child should forgive the mother.  And, let’s not forget “honor thy mother” seems to mean “allow thy mother to abuse you” to many people.  Because of people like this, as well as the ignorance surrounding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there needs to be more awareness of this horrible phenomenon.

Don’t let anyone quiet you for talking about your experiences with your narcissistic mother, father, sibling, grandparent, friend, spouse or co-worker.  You aren’t being negative by discussing your experiences.  And, chances are, by discussing them, you are not only helping yourself to process your horrendous experiences, you are also helping to enlighten others who need to hear your story!  So be open- talk about it!

Getting To Know Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

I was recently reading a very good email from Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”  It’s an incredibly good book for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers.

 

Anyway, her email was discussing the new book she has coming out soon.  She included an exercise in the email for helping you to get to know who you really are.  She called it “An inner selfie”.  Collect pictures from magazines or from the internet that represent some aspect of yourself.

 

I’ve done something similar this & it really does help you to get to know & inspire yourself.  I have several folders of pictures on my tablet full of pictures that speak to me in some way.  I have a folder of pictures that are uniquely feminine- flowers, beautiful women that I would like to model myself after, & other images.  There are several folders of various pictures that help me to feel good- one has images of Ireland, another a cabin deep in the woods in a blizzard, another has pictures of the beautiful interiors of luxurious trains, still another contains pictures of Claude Monet’s paintings, another a couple of cute vintage & beautifully restored campers.  I also have a folder full of pictures of inspirational quotes & another full of informative & validating quotes about mental health.

 

Growing up with a narcissistic mother, as you know if you too have one, means you grow up not knowing who you are.  You’re simply whatever your mother wants you to be, not the person God made you to be.  It’s the same way if you were romantically involved with a narcissist.   Today, why don’t you make a decision to learn who you are?  Start by collecting pictures that you’re attracted to.  Each one will reveal a little bit about who you really are inside, & help you to get to know yourself.  You may even learn that you like who you are.  🙂

You Are Stronger Than You Think!

Have you ever thought about what you have been through in your life?  I mean, really thought about the things that you have made it through?

 

If not, I challenge you today to do this.  I did this recently.  A bad night full of awful nightmares, making me feel the same hurt, anger, anxiety & fear I have felt many times in my life triggered this.  I realized that I have been through some really horrible things & I survived them all remarkably well!

 

I have survived having a narcissistic mother who physically hurt me, who tried to destroy the person I am & make me into whatever she wants me to be, who has betrayed me repeatedly, who used me more times than I can count, still tries to gaslight me to this day, & who hates everything about me.  I also survived an ex husband who was much like my mother in how he treated me, constantly gaslighting me, trying to isolate me from my family & friends & morph me into somene he thought I should be instead of accepting who I was.  I’ve survived a narcissistic mother in-law & two sisters in-law who hate me & have not exactly made a secret out of that.  (Well, with me anyway- they all have put on a good show in front of others, especially my husband.)  They also have done their best to cause problems between us, so it’s amazing we are still married.  All of these awful things are in addition to the more common problems everyone has in life such as losing loved ones, financial problems & such.  When I thought about it, I realized that I am one tough chick!  I also realize that without God, I wouldn’t have survived the things I’ve been through as well as I have.  In fact, to be totally honest about it, I probably would’ve killed myself years ago.  I certainly thought about that enough.  Yes, I have problems such as the C-PTSD, but I’m still alive & doing pretty well under the circumstances.

 

Thinking about all of this has given me a peace & strength I hadn’t felt before.  It showed me how strong I am, with God’s help, & how well I can handle crises.  It feels good!

 

What about you?  What have you experienced in your life that should have destroyed you?  I want to encourage you today to celebrate those victories!  Be proud of the things that you have overcome!  OK, so you aren’t perfect- no one is!  But, you got through & are thriving!  You keep pressing on, & try to be a good person.  That is much more than so many others do.  Many abused people go on to abuse others.  They don’t have the “umph” inside to break the cycle, to face their pain.   But you do & that is something you should be very proud of!

 

 

Are You A Victim, Survivor Or A Conquerer?

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

 

I was reading something yesterday that said something like (I forget the exact wording), “You’re not a victim- you’re a survivor!”  Although that sounds great at first read, I think it also can be a shaming message.

 

First of all, if you’ve been abused, you are a victim.  Period.  Nothing can change that.  There is no shame in being a victim.  The shame belongs to the abuser, not the victim who had no say in being abused.

 

Second, you always will be a victim of the abuse.  That doesn’t mean you spend every waking moment thinking or talking about the abuse- it simply means that something terrible happened to you.  You were a victim of someone else’s cruelty & bad choices through no fault of your own.

 

Third, the message that I have felt from such quotations is that you are to be strong, & don’t let what happened affect you anymore.  Well, that isn’t very realistic!  If you have survived abuse in any form, especially ongoing abuse such as at the hand of a parent or spouse, it always will affect you to some degree.  You may be living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & barely functioning each day, or you may function well, but be very cynical in how you judge people, or somewhere in between, but you will be affected in some way, shape or form by what happened.  No one escapes abuse unscathed.

 

What I am trying to say is be balanced in how you view yourself.  While yes, you are a victim, you have survived, & hopefully thrived.  Even so, there may be some bad days where you feel more like a victim than a survivor, & that is OK!  It happens to everyone, & is a natural effect of living through abuse.  You can’t feel like a tough survivor every single day.

 

Personally, I prefer to use the term “conquerer.”  A conquerer is strong, which is what survivors of abuse are as well.  We find the strength to escape the abuse, then to heal, often with little or no support from others.  Sometimes, it takes every ounce of strength we can muster to get out of bed in the morning, but somehow we find that strength & do it anyway.  We resist the inclination to become bitter, uncaring or even abusive, & are loving to others as well- that takes a great deal of strength & courage.  (So many abusers were abused themselves, yet didn’t have the strength to break that cycle.)  Conquerers are also imperfect.  While great conquerors have won many battles, they also lost many, many soldiers in these battles.  They also made very serious mistakes, some even leading to their downfalls.  Yet, they remained passionate fighters.  If these phrases don’t describe someone who has survived abuse & is fighting to heal, I don’t know what would.

 

I would like to encourage you today to think about how you view yourself.

 

What’s Happening-June 22,2014

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well.
 
I am making progress on my new book about narcissistic mothers.  As of today, it’s at 38,500 words (needs to be 40-60,000).  Gettin’ there!  And thank God for that, because this is one very hard book to write!  I’m very surprised at just how challenging it is.  After writing my autobiography, “Emerging From The Chrysalis,” I was sure everything else I’d ever write would be a walk in the park.  Seeing the traumatic events of my life written out in black & white was very hard for me, yet validating at the same time.  This book is not the same..not even close!
 
Devoting an entire book to the topic of maternal narcissism has been a daunting task.  I know a lot on the topic, but I was unsure if I had enough to fill up a whole book.  I have asked God to help me out- make sure I leave nothing out of this book, & please teach me what I didn’t know that He wanted to be included.  He has answered those prayers.  I have been learning a lot!  Things to include about the book as well as things in my personal life that I never thought of as abusive before. 
 
For example, today I was writing about isolation being the favorite tool of all abusers, why they do it, & how engulfing narcissitic mothers (like mine) excel at isolating their children from others.  After writing some on the topic, I decided to research it online, to see if there was anything I forgot.  What I read slapped me in the face.  Hard.  Here is a portion of it:

“The abuser may “assign” the victim numerous domestic duties designed to keep her at home. “

(see the full article here:  http://www.abigails.org/Saul&David/control%20&%20isolation.htm) 
Wow.  I never thought of this as abusive behavior!  My ex-husband’s mother used to do this to me during the brief time we lived with his parents.  I never understood why I had to work so much for her.  I was responsible for all housework, balancing her checkbook, & maintaining paperwork & records for my ex’s father’s trucking business.  Other miscellaneous tasks were assigned to me as well.  There were three other adults in the house- why was so much on me?  I now wonder if was because my ex was very much into isolating me, & if she was “helping” him by keeping me so busy.  They were a very dysfunctional family, so that is a distinct possibility.  Also the only answer I can come up with at the moment. 
 
Thinking back, she also didn’t like me spending time with friends or having them over to our house.  Another isolating behavior.  
 
Whatever the reasoning behind this behavior, this new realization hurts.  I loved his mother a great deal- she & I were good friends, & often had a lot of fun together, in spite of the frequent problems in our relationship during the time of living together. 
 
*sigh*
 
Something else to process.  Yay for me.. not. 
 
Sometimes it seems like healing is the most frustrating, never-ending thing in the world, & sometimes I get so tired of new revelations that show me just how abused I have been in my life.  Honestly, it gets depressing!  I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, but it is hard to avoid 100% of the time.  I know it can be healthy to indulge in a bit of self-pity sometimes, but even so, it doesn’t feel nice.  Learning these things also makes me wonder what is it about me that makes people think it’s ok to abuse me?!  Do I behave in a certain way that says “Go ahead- hurt me.  Treat me like dirt.  It’s fine!”  UGH!
 
In spite of my lousy mood, though, I’m still glad that God is helping me to heal, learn & grow.  Yes, it hurts.  Yes, it can be frustrating.  However, it also is helping me understand behaviors & people a lot better.  It’s answering some questions, like why do I get angry or hurt when people behave a certain way.  Like with my ex- mother in-law.  Her list of “duties” for me to do every day used to really make me angry at the unfairness of the amount of duties I had to contend with compared to everyone else in the house.  But, I never knew why until today.  Now, I understand, & feel validated.  Angry, but validated, & at least the anger won’t last long- I am usually pretty quick to forgive.
 
This really lousy mood is telling me that it’s time to relax.  Maybe stop working on the book for a little while, too.  Relax, turn on some good music or watch a good movie or tv show, do some nurturing behavior that makes me feel good like crafting or snuggling the furkids.  & no cooking- hubby is either taking me out tonight or we will have something delivered.

Mother’s Day Is Coming

Good afternoon, Dear Readers.

I turned on my television today, & in a very short span of time, saw more ads regarding Mother’s Day than I can remember.  I quickly turned it back off rather than listen to the drivel about how wonderful all mothers are, & how much they deserve jewelry & flowers on May 11th. 

Since I’m hardly the only daughter of a narcissistic mother, I thought I’d write about what Mother’s Day can mean to us.

It is the day we dread most of the year, isn’t it?  It certainly is for me.  It’s so hard to want to celebrate your mother when she has done her best to make your life a living hell ever since you were born.  Plus, you know she expects admiration, gifts & cards.  Not fun.  Especially when it seems like everyone thinks you should fawn all over your mother, no matter how she treats you.

Society can be so dysfunctional.

I know all too well that commandment that says we should honor our parents.  However, I don’t believe it’s honorable to shower any abuser, even a parent, with insincere praise & gifts.  Honoring someone God’s way means showing them respect & courtesy, not being fake.  Besides, such a demonstration rewards bad behavior.  It shows your mother she can do anything to you that she wants to do, & you still will pamper her.  How is that honorable?

So what is a good, honorable way to handle such a difficult day with your narcissistic, abusive mother?  To start with, pray.  Ask God what He wants you to do, & how to handle Mother’s Day.  He will give you the best advice you can ask for.  Also, follow what you feel in your heart that you’re capable of doing.  If it isn’t much, don’t feel bad!  Any abusive mother is blessed if her adult child has any relationship with her at all, because even if she has changed for the better, child abuse causes pain & scars that last a lifetime.  By having a relationship with your narcissistic  mother, you’re showing what a kind, good person you are.

Whatever you do for your mother, do it with excellence.  I’m not saying buy her a huge diamond ring when you barely can pay rent.  What I mean is do your best even if it’s something small.  Every year, I mail my mother the nicest, prettiest card I can find.  I know she takes the messages to heart in cards, so I find the prettiest one I can find, with a picture I know she’ll like, & the simplest verse.  Something like, “Happy Mother’s Day!  Enjoy!”  I’m not above finding a pretty, blank on the inside card if I can’t find one that is simple enough for my liking.  I can’t feel right about giving my mother some fake, “You’re the best mom ever!” kind of card that I don’t mean.  But, I’m fine with a pretty card wishing her a nice Mother’s Day.  And, she seems satisfied with the cards.  It works for us both.

Granted, what I do for my mother isn’t much compared to others, but I’m honestly not capable of doing more after a lifetime of abuse.  I believe God prefers His children to be sincere rather than phoney.  You need to remember that what you do to genuinely bless your mother, on Mother’s Day & every day, will give you peace, & God will be proud of you.

Also, don’t forget to be good to yourself on Mother’s Day! Whether you have kids or furkids like I do, you’re still a mom! Or, if you don’t have either, that’s ok- take care of yourself on a difficult day. You deserve it! 🙂

There is one last thing I feel I should share with you.  I’ve often berated myself for not being a better daughter- for not calling my parents more often, or suggesting we do things together. (Usually this happens around Mother’s or Father’s Day).  Sadly, I can’t make myself improve in these areas- I’ve tried!  But do you know what?  After praying about it, God showed me that under the circumstances, I’m not a bad daughter.  My parents have abused me, & shown no remorse for it.  They’re lucky I speak to them at all, & me not wanting to spend time with them is normal.  They are reaping what they’ve sown.  Keep this in mind regarding your situation, too.  Everyone reaps what they sow, whether they sow good or bad things.  I know it can be hard to remember sometimes, but remember it anyway.  ❤

My First Post As A Guest Blogger

Here is the link…  🙂

http://wordpress.com/read/post/id/60403795/2710/

Good Lord, What A Day!

OK, since many folks wanted to know how me seeing my former teacher went along with breakfast with my parents today, here’s the update….
I arrived first, hardly a shock since my mother is always late (all about control).  She arrived alone a few minutes later.  Said Dad was still at the chiropractors’ office & would be by any minute.  Fine.  We sat down inside, & talked.  A few moments later, a lady Mom knew stopped by – she is the mom of someone I went to elementary school with.  During the short chat, this lady said I was pretty four times.  Mom wasn’t happy- jealous, I guess.  She cut her off several times to discuss other trivial matters until the lady left.  She told me the lady was ‘slow’ & ‘not very bright’ repeatedly after she left..
Finally Dad arrived.  I went to wave to him, & another man behind him seemed to think I was flirtatious, but quickly realized I wasn’t waving at him pointed Dad towards Mom & I…lol. Sorry to the man who smiled at me…lol
Dad then went to the mens’ room.  My mother commanded me to place our order.  I did, although uneasy since it was crowded, & my agoraphobia was flaring up.   My dad stayed with me once he found me in line.
My parents & I ate our breakfast.  Eventually, my mother said, ‘There’s Mr. Bledsoe!’ & waved him to our table.  He didn’t recognize me, but after 30 years, I wasn’t offended.  My mother introduced us, & the first thing he said was, “I’m sorry, my oldest car now is a ’99!”. He remembered how I loved his 56 Ford when I was 10!!  Lol. I told him “my classic car is enough for us both!” & showed him what I drive- my granddad’s car.  He was impressed.  We went back to my parents’ table, & Mom talked over me. I did slip him my business card, & he said Mom mentioned something about me writing.  (Then why did she make a point to tell me she told him I don’t work?  TWICE!!). He needed to resume work, so said his goodbyes. 
The remaining time was rough..Mom insisted on getting my cell phone number I’ve hidden from her for years.  She also spent plenty of time telling me how awesome she is- how awesome she is for helping old people when she was growing up, how many animals loved her (way more than mine love me, of course!) & how many male students had a crush on her when she was a teacher….
While Dad wasn’t there, she told me about someone she knows who is married to the grandson of some football player named Johnny Unitis.  I didn’t know this football man’s name, so she told Dad I am ‘a retard’ as soon as he got back because I didn’t know him. Nice, eh?  I said twice that I hate football & all sports involving a ball- why would I know a player??  Ask me something about NASCAR or NHRA drag racing- I know that.  That was ignored.
Two hours after arrival, I wanted to come home.  I said I had to go.  I pulled out my keys & purse.  My mother exclaimed my keys & purse were too heavy- I was going to hurt my back.  I reminded her I’ve had worse back problems (like when she threw me into a wall) & walked out.
Yes, I’m hot mad.  No, I’m not entirely surprised by how it went…yes, I need to relax by myself for a while…..

When An Abusive Parent Dies

New information on my website.  It’s about what may happen when your abusive mother dies.  I realize the topic is morbid, but it also isn’t discussed.  You need to be aware of what to expect.

http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/The_Abuser’s_Death.htm

Share Your Story!

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I just wanted to remind everyone about the book I’m working on.  It will be available for free in ebook format.  I’m thinking of entitling it, “Broken But Still Beautiful” or something like that.  The topic is how God helps people who have been abused to heal.  I want to encourage people that no matter what they have survived, God still has a purpose for them, & wants to help love them through their pain.  

No matter what stage of healing you are in, I want your story.  Even if you are still being abused, your story can be encouraging to someone, because it will show others that God is always there, even during the darkest times.

I know sharing details of abuse is painful.  When I wrote my autobiography, “Emerging From The Chrysalis“, it was among the most painful experiences of my life.  However, I felt it was a necessary thing to do.  This book also, I feel is necessary.  I also want to assure your annonymity by encouraging you to use fake names when you share your story.  No one needs to know this is your story- just knowing someone has survived something painful with God’s help will encourage others.  

Please pray about sharing your story for inclusion in this book.  If you want to see more details, check out this link: Making A Difference

Or, you can email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

January 8, 2014

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

I need to rant a little today.. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard things like, “That’s your MOTHER!  She’s the only one you’ll ever have!”  or, “She won’t be around forever!” or other unasked for advice in telling me what *I* need to do to improve the abusive relationship between my mother & I.

Is it just me?  I’m going to go out on a limb here & guess it isn’t just me..

Isn’t it infuriating, feeling like all of the responsibility of a relationship is on you?!  Oh my word!!!  I flippin’ hate that!  Relationships are a two way street.  There is a lot of give & take.  It doesn’t matter if that relationship is parent/child, family, friendship or romantic.  All relationships are give & take.  There is nowhere in the Bible that says children must tolerate abuse from their parents.  The only verse I’ve found says that children should honor their parents, & no where does the word honor equal being a punching bag or doormat or recipient of abuse.  It simply means giving your parents their due respect for giving you life.  Period.  For further information on this topic, I have written some free ebooks on the topics.  Simply click this link for access to them.

Complex PTSD Bill Of Rights

I think I am pretty typical of a daughter raised by a narcissistic mother.  Like many children of narcissists, I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I fight depression, anxiety, insomnia & agoraphobia every day.  I am constantly over-aware of the emotions of people around me, on the guard against potentially being hurt (hypervigilance) & have flashbacks & nightmares.  I also have a list of insecurities a mile long, I don’t trust people easily, & I expect nothing less than perfection from myself, partly so as not to be a burden anyone.  

Because of that feeling of I should be perfect, it has made the C-PTSD even more difficult than it already is.  My own husband doesn’t even know how hard it is sometimes, because I don’t tell him much.  I can’t burden him with my petty problems, after all.  *sighs*  I also never have had anyone take care of me, so I have become so accustomed to taking care of myself & my own problems.  Leaning on him is almost completely impossible for me.  This also means I even have trouble talking to God about it, & asking for His help.  

Anyway, I was thinking recently about this & I have no doubt I’m not the only person with C-PTSD like this.  I decided to write up a 
C-PTSD Bill Of Rights- something I could look at to remind myself I don’t have to be perfect all the time.  I thought I would share it here.. I hope it helps you too!  ❤

 

C-PTSD Bill Of Rights

 

1. I have the right to talk to God about my struggles and my pain.  He understands, and will help me as no one else can.  He is not angry with me or disappointed in me for having C-PTSD.  He loves me no matter what.
2. I have the right to have a bad day sometimes.  When living with this disorder and working on healing, there will be very good and very bad days- that is completely normal.
3. I have the right to talk about my pain and frustrations with supportive, loving, caring people.
4. I have the right to accept my limits.  Sometimes my best may not be very good no matter how hard I try.  (Remember- PTSD causes physical changes in your brain.  You are going to forget things sometimes or have difficulty regulating your moods or even finding the right words.  This doesn’t mean you are crazy or stupid- it means you have C-PTSD.)
5. I have the right to say no.
6. I have the right to ask for help.
7. I have the right to walk my own individual walk with this disorder.  My journey will not be like everyone else’s.  That does not make me right or wrong- it makes me an individual.
8. I have the right to remember painful events from the past.  I can learn from the past, and it has made me who I am today.  (Remembering the past is NOT the same as dwelling on the past, not letting things go, etc.!)
9. I have the right to give myself the gift of forgiveness.  Not to erase the horrible things done to me, but because I deserve better than carrying around anger and bitterness inside of me.  I also need to understand that forgiving my abuser(s) does not mean I will be healed completely- there is some damage that must be worked on, even when complete forgiveness has happened.  I also must forgive myself for any wrongs I have committed.
10. I have the right to take care of myself.  I must not only take care of my body but my mind as well.  That may mean reducing daily activities or taking more time off.  Self-care is vital to my mental health.  I must do this for myself as well as those who love me.  They deserve the best me I can give them.
11. I have the right to reject unnecessary negativity and drama in my life, in all its forms, as much as possible to protect my mental health.
12. I have the right to be who I am, the person God created me to be, no matter who approves or disapproves of me.  Just because I have a mental health issue does not mean I am not still a valuable member of society.
13. Other people have the right not to understand what I am experiencing.  That does not give them the right to mistreat me, however, and I have the right not to tolerate their mistreatment of me.
14. Other people have the right to ask me questions about C-PTSD.  I have the right to answer those questions or not, depending on my ability to answer them, and depending on how I feel God wants me to respond. 
15. I have the obligation to make my pain count for something.  God is not into waste, and I am not either!  I have the obligation to ask God how to use this pain for His glory.  He may call me to raise awareness of C-PTSD, help create stricter laws against child abusers, write books or something entirely different.  Whatever He asks of me, I always have the right to say no to- He will not love me any less.  However, doing what God asks of me will not only bless others, but me as well.  God will reward my faithfulness.

 

October 31, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers…

I was thinking of something yesterday regarding narcissistic mothers.  As you know, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder.  For some unknown reason this past June, she changed- she stopped deliberately trying to hurt me every single time we speak.  We’ve even had many pleasant conversations in the last 4 months.  It’s been so nice in many ways.  

In other ways, though, it’s not so great.  Although my mother doesn’t deliberately try to hurt me most times, she still does hurt me almost every time we speak.  Why?  Because she is simply oblivious to what kind of person I am, & doesn’t even listen to most things I say.  She didn’t care that I was upset yesterday when we spoke on the phone.  I also mentioned my in-laws in passing, & immediately she jumped to their defense, even though I have told her our relationship was so bad, I haven’t spoken to them since 2002.  Ever since I first mentioned having in-law issues, my mother has been their number one supporter, as she always does when someone hurts me.  

I know most people say that narcissists never change.  I believe that isn’t entirely true.  My mother has proven that by changing for the better & not being so cruel as she once was.  However, although she has improved, all is not well now.  I still have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- nothing she can do will fix that.  I also still have to be prepared for pain.  Like I said, my mother doesn’t often deliberately set out to hurt me, but she still does hurt me often.  Also, like I mentioned earlier, it’s because she doesn’t know me or listen to me, but it is also because she has developed a very dysfunctional coping skill.  When she remembers unpleasant things, she convinces herself the unpleasant events happened some other way.  My mother has convinced herself she was a fantastic mother, always there for me, supportive, & loving.  All of the psychological abuse- emotional, mental & verbal abuses- are forgotten, & replaced with words of encouragement in her mind.  Throwing me into a wall & hurting my back when I was 19?  Forgotten.. I’ve been told I’m lucky I’ve never had back pain.  

I’m telling you this because if you too are the child of a narcissistic mother, don’t give up hope.  Your mother may change for the better at some point like my mother did, contrary to popular opinion.  However, if your mother does change, there still may be pain for you, just in different ways.   The best way I have found to cope is to enjoy the good times as much as you can.  Have some laughs if possible, & enjoy the moment, however long it lasts.  Then when the bad times come, deal with them however you can in a healthy way.  Talk to caring, supportive people- friends, relatives or a counselor.  Pray- God always wants to listen & offer you comfort.  Be gentle with yourself during those hard times- don’t berate yourself for being hurt or angry.  Keep your expectations low of your mother- everyone messes up sometimes.  No matter how hard she may be trying, she will make mistakes simply because no one is perfect.  Set & enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you feel unable to spend time with your mother, then don’t spend time with her.  In my book, “You Are Not Alone!” (available in ebook form & print here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Books%20For%20Sale.htm  ), I offer advice on ways to deal with abusive mothers.  There is also information available on my website that may help you here:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm

October 25, 2013

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well today & ready to enjoy a lovely autumn weekend!

 

Yesterday was a very trying day for me.  I had to run to the vet’s office & get some medicine for my kitty, Pretty Boy.  With agoraphobia, even leaving the house let alone driving 15 miles to the vet is a challenge.  Thankfully, the vet’s office is usually one place that I can handle fairly well.  For good measure, I took my dog, Dixie along for a ride- her presence helped calm me.  So I got home & was quite proud of myself!  I did this trip with no panic!  YAY ME!

 

I saw when I got home that my mother called while I was out.  I changed into my bumming around the house clothes & was going to call her back when she called me instead.  While I am glad to say she is still not deliberately being cruel to me, it was a rough talk.  She explained what it’s like to have back problems (as usual, not acknowledging the fact I had back pain for 10 years resulting from her throwing me into a wall when I was 19).  She also complained so much about my dad & the problems between them.  *sighs*

 

After I hung up from that call, I made some chamomile tea & sat down with my computer to goof off for a bit.  As I sat here, snuggling kitties & reading email, a few minutes later I heard a sound.. I knew it was my car- I thought maybe a branch fell off a tree & landed on the car.  I got up to check & saw my dad.  He had a doctor’s appointment not far from me & stopped by on his way home.  While he was here, he spent his time complaining about my mother.  *sighs again*

 

This is what is called Emotional Incest or Parentalizing.  When a parent treats their child (of any age) as an equal by confiding in them about personal problems (especially romantic ones),  expects that child to take care of their emotional well being &  fix their problems, it is emotionally damaging to the child.  Some problems resulting from being parentalized are:

 

• An over-developed sense of responsibility (if someone is upset, you feel it’s your job to fix the problem & make them feel better).
• Guilt.
• Putting others first, even when you have genuine needs.
• Low self-esteem.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Feeling “in the middle” with your parents.

 

I have experienced all of these things & more.  On days like yesterday, I was physically shaky for a while.  I also was achy all over, for no physical reason.  This also made the Complex PTSD flare up- I normally cry easily but yesterday was worse, & I was so anxious.  I also felt like I was a child again.  The same fear & anxieties of my parents arguing when I was a child rose up in me.

 

Unfortunately I have not found a way to stop my parents from doing this entirely.  The best things I have found to do are:

 

• Set & enforce boundaries to protect myself.
• Keep a distance- only talking to them when I am able to handle it emotionally.
• Change the subject often.  When they start complaining about each other, I bring up any other topic I can think of.  Often, they go right back to their conversation, so I have to change the subject again.  Eventually, they will go along with me.

 

If you too go through the pain of being your parent’s parent, please know I understand.  You are not alone in this, even if you feel like you are.  Hugs to you!!!

 

Also, please check out my website.. I have some information on there for adult children of abusive mothers the following link:  http://www.cynthiabaileyrug.com/Problem_Mothers.htm.  And, on my free ebooks page, I have a free ebook available on the topic of Emotional Incest.  Check it out..

 

God bless you & I’m praying for you!  ❤

October 9, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well.

Living with C-PTSD is such a challenge.  I had no idea just how big of a challenge until 2012 when I suddenly developed all of the symptoms of it instead of just some. That is when I learned Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder exists.  Since then, I have been learning more almost daily about this wretched disorder.

The night before last, I learned I can no longer read while the television is on.  Hubby was watching tv, & I wasn’t interested in what was on, so I got out my tablet to continue reading “The Picture Of Dorian Gray.” (So far, it’s a wonderful book!  I love how beautifully Victorian literature is written.)   I couldn’t read much- the sound of the television while trying to read at the same time was an information overload for my brain.  It didn’t take long to feel overwhelmed, so I put the book aside after only a couple of pages.  I don’t even remember what I read.  So frustrating!  

I’m also learning to accept that even good stress can overload my mind.  I’ve got some things happening that are good, but since they are also out of the ordinary, they give me a degree of stress.  With my mind being so full of activity (hyper-vigilance mostly) already because of the C-PTSD, any stress, good or bad, can push me into overload.  It is much like this- fill a glass 3/4 of the way with water.  Anything you add to that glass will fill it up quickly.  It does not matter if what you add to the glass is good or bad.  All that matters is the glass fills up very quickly since it was already mostly full when you started adding things to it.

Unfortunately not everyone understands the symptoms of C-PTSD or is sympathetic.  The lack of empathy & understanding only adds to the frustration of the disorder.  If you live with C-PTSD, I’m sure this is nothing new to you- you have experienced it yourself firsthand.  (I recently lost a friend because of her lack of compassion.   I heard “this too shall pass.. I’ve had my problems too” one too many times from her.)  It is important to remember that you do NOT need validation from others, only yourself.  Even those who live with you don’t understand everything you are going through.  I know I tend to hide most of it, even from my husband.  I think because it is a habit I learned early in life- never bother anyone with my problems, & never show any negative emotions I’m feeling because I might upset others.  This is a very common thing for children of narcissistic parents like me.  

Maybe it’s time to start showing others what we are experiencing inside.  Talk about it.  Stop being ashamed- we have nothing to be ashamed of!  Having C-PTSD doesn’t mean you are weak, crazy looking for pity, holding onto the past, or whatever other terrible things you’ve been told.  Having C-PTSD means you have been abused & you survived trauma.   Trauma & abuse most people cannot conceive.  Your mind did what it had to do to protect you & help you survive, & the end result is C-PTSD.  

I see C-PTSD as a sign of strength.  It is a sign you survived!  It is much like scar tissue on your skin- it shows a wound was there.  But, I’m not sure if you know this or not, but scar tissue is much stronger than regular tissue.  The same goes for the mind with C-PTSD.  Your experiences have given you this “scar,” but as a result, your mind is so very strong now!  Chances are, you can handle a great deal more than you could have if you wouldn’t have experienced what you did.  

If you are having trouble explaining your symptoms to those close to you, I will include a list below that you may wish to show them.  I hope it helps!  May God bless you!  🙂

 

Symptoms of C-PTSD

• Anxiety.
• Depression.
• Feeling overwhelmed easily.
• Insomnia.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Memory problems.
• Flashbacks.
• Nightmares.
• Hyper-vigilance (keen awareness of one’s surroundings & the mood/feelings of others).
• Dissociation (detaching emotionally) or being overly involved in personal relationships.
• Feels too much or too little.
• Moodiness.
• Love self-esteem.
• Self-destructive behaviors (such as addictions, eating disorders, etc).

October 1, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I just wanted to let you know I made a few changes to my website.  I added a little more information to the Mental Health section.  Come check it out at:  www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

Have a great day, & God bless you!  🙂