For All Of The “Good Girls”

From a young age, girls labeled as “good girls” bear the weight of unrealistic expectations, meaning the label comes at a very high price.  They are trained from a very early age to embrace a life without boundaries, where saying no is deemed unacceptable, & expressing negative feelings is taboo.  These girls are taught that showing anger isn’t “ladylike”, & their main focus should be on pleasing others, even at the expense of their own needs.  These harmful beliefs create a freeze or fawn response, leaving many girls feeling trapped & unable to assert themselves.  To all the other “good girls” like me out there, you need to recognize that you were lied to.  These lies are perpetrated by abusers & other toxic, dysfunctional individuals who seek to manipulate & control.  It’s time to reject these terrible beliefs & embrace the fact that you deserve so much better.

As young girls, the pressure to be labeled a “good girl” often begins subtly.  We are praised for being compliant, for not causing trouble, & for putting others’ needs before our own.  However, this praise comes at the cost of erasing our boundaries.  We are taught that saying no is impolite & makes us “bad girls.”  We are conditioned to prioritize the desires of others above our own, leading us to develop a deep sense of self sacrifice.

This erasure of boundaries has long lasting effects.  As we grow older, we struggle to assert ourselves or establish healthy boundaries in relationships.  We become people pleasers, constantly seeking validation & approval from others.  We fear disappointing others & often find it challenging to say no, even when we are overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

It’s so essential to recognize that boundaries are not only necessary but also healthy.  They define who we are, what we stand for, & what we will & will not tolerate.  By reclaiming our boundaries, we can regain control over our lives & establish healthier relationships built on mutual respect & understanding.

Another damaging aspect of being labeled a “good girl” is the expectation to hide or suppress negative emotions.  From a young age, we are taught that expressing anger or even frustration is unacceptable.  My narcissistic mother would shame me for having what she called, “That Bailey temper” even if I was simply frustrated, yet her screaming & raging was perfectly acceptable.  Sadly this is the norm with narcissistic parents.  We are told to be polite, kind, & accommodating at all times while they are allowed to say & do anything they like.  Because of this, we learn to bury our negative feelings deep within ourselves, fearing that acknowledging them will make us “difficult” or “unladylike” or feel terrible shame.

This suppression of negative emotions can lead to struggling to identify & process our feelings effectively, which can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.  By denying ourselves the right to express our emotions, we deny our own humanity & perpetuate the harmful notion that our negative experiences are invalid.

It’s vital to embrace all of our emotions & recognize that they are valid & worthy of acknowledgment.  By allowing ourselves to express anger, sadness, & frustration in healthy ways, we cultivate emotional & mental health.

One of the most damaging expectations placed upon “good girls” is the belief that our main focus should be on pleasing others.  We learn that our worth lies in our ability to make others happy & meet their needs.  We find ourselves constantly striving for external validation, seeking approval & acceptance from others.  In doing so, we lose touch with our own desires & needs, sacrificing our own health & happiness.  This perpetual people-pleasing leaves us exhausted, empty, & unfulfilled.

It’s time to prioritize our needs & desires, & cultivate self worth & build healthier, more authentic relationships.  Pleasing others should not be our sole purpose in life; rather, it should be a byproduct of living true to ourselves.

To all the other “good girls” out there, it’s time to break free from the harmful beliefs that have held us captive for far too long.  We were lied to, manipulated by abusers & other toxic individuals who sought to control & exploit our innate goodness.  Embrace your boundaries, express your emotions, & prioritize your well being.  You deserve so much better than a life defined by unrealistic expectations.  Reclaim your power & know that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness.

Using The Term “Narcissist” Appropriately

Seeing the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissist happens all the time.  Flip through magazines or social media, & you’ll come across articles with titles like, “Is Your Partner A Narcissist?”  You also may notice people who talk about someone selfish, & they describe that person as a narcissist.  Unfortunately, the terms get used quite easily, & that can do a lot of damage. 

Experiences of victims of narcissistic abuse are minimized when a person who can be selfish is labeled as a narcissist.  When someone has suffered some of the most mind altering & damaging abuse possible at the hands of a narcissist hears someone call another person who had a selfish moment a narcissist, it diminishes the severity of narcissistic abuse.  It makes narcissism sound like it’s nothing more than simple thoughtless behavior.  This can make a victim feel like they’re oversensitive, exaggerating the severity of their experiences, are weak or foolish for developing C-PTSD after the abuse & more.  This mirrors what narcissists do to their victims.  One very common tactic they use is making their victims feel like something is very wrong with them for being traumatized by the abuse.  If they can accomplish this, it creates shame in the victims, which means they are more willing to tolerate more abuse which means they will be easier to manipulate & control.  Even if this is not the goal of someone calling the average selfish person narcissistic, shame is still the result.  Shame was already there, & this person is adding to it.  It’s a cruel thing to do to victims!

When the word narcissist is used too easily, it also minimizes narcissistic abuse in general.  If someone claims a narcissist hurt them by some basic selfish act such as standing them up on a date, this basically compares that experience to soul destroying narcissistic abuse.  Someone’s thoughtless or selfish behavior that isn’t their norm (as it is for narcissists) isn’t soul destroying.  Narcissistic abuse is.  Narcissists rarely act out of sheer thoughtlessness.  Yes, they do sometimes because they are so self centered they simply don’t deem others as worthy of their consideration.  However, the majority of the behavior of narcissists isn’t thoughtless.  They plan out everything they do for the purpose of using others to benefit themselves, manipulating or controlling others, & inflicting as much pain as they can possibly cause.  There is no comparison between someone who is selfish sometimes & a narcissist.  The damage they inflict is entirely different.

Using the term narcissist too loosely also minimizes just how bad narcissists truly are.  These people are evil.  They can use & abuse anyone without one iota of shame or remorse.  They can watch someone crying because of things they have done, & not feel one smidgen of concern or regret for hurting someone.  Things like this show they are NOT simply a person having a fleeting moment of being selfish or even the average selfish person.  These behaviors are evil!

I strongly recommend not using the term narcissist lightly.  It does so much disservice to their victims & the understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that most people have.  The term needs to be used appropriately & when someone has displayed more than simple selfish or thoughtless behavior.  Consistently showing selfishness, constantly looking for praise either by bragging openly or slyly about themselves, lacking empathy, being manipulative, envious, entitled & unwilling to change their behavior in spite of knowing how much pain it causes others are some of the hallmark signs true narcissists show.  People who exhibit these behaviors are the true narcissists, & they need to be called out for what they are, not the average thoughtless person.