People Pleasing vs Kind Behaviors: The Fine Line Between Selflessness & Self Destruction

As Christians, we are taught to love & serve others.  We strive to do as Jesus would do.  However, sometimes our desire to please others can backfire, leading us down a path of self-destruction.  Today, we will explore the difference between people pleasing & genuinely kind behaviors, & the importance of standing up for ourselves & our values.

At first glance, people pleasing & kind behaviors may seem interchangeable.  After all, both involve putting others’ needs before our own.  However, the key difference often lies in the motivation behind our actions.  People pleasing often stems from a desire to be liked or accepted.  We may go out of our way to do things for others, even if it means sacrificing our own time, energy, or resources.  We may say yes to every request, even if it means over committing ourselves & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, kind behaviors come from a place of genuine love & compassion.  We may still do things for others, but we do so out of a desire to help & support them, rather than to gain their approval.

People pleasing can be detrimental to our mental & emotional well,being.  It leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, & low self esteem.  We start to feel like a doormat, constantly saying yes to others & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, practicing kind behaviors actually boosts our self esteem & overall happiness.  When we help others out of love & compassion, we feel good about ourselves & our ability to make a positive impact on the world.

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between selflessness & self destruction.  While it’s admirable to put others’ needs before our own, we must also prioritize our own well being.  This means setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, & taking care of ourselves first.  In the words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  We cannot fully love & serve others if we are neglecting our own needs.

Christians also are called to forgive others, even those who have hurt & abused us.  However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring the harm that was done.  When we practice “forgive & forget” without boundaries, we are essentially allowing others to continue to hurt us without consequence.  This is harmful to our mental & emotional health, & is not what God wants for His children! 

Forgiveness is not a one time event, but a process that takes time & effort.  It involves acknowledging the harm that was done, expressing our emotions, & setting boundaries to prevent it from happening again.  It also can mean releasing the person from expectations of making it up to you, especially if that isn’t possible or if the person has no remorse. This may mean limiting contact or ending the relationship with the person who hurt us, seeking counseling, or confronting the person in a healthy & respectful way.  By setting healthy boundaries, we are protecting ourselves from further harm & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers is the ability to say no.  We feel guilty or selfish for turning down a request, even if it means sacrificing our own needs.  However, saying no is an important part of self care & self respect.  It allows us to prioritize our own needs & set boundaries with others.

Similarly, standing up for ourselves & our values is crucial for our mental & emotional well being.  When we allow others to hurt us or compromise our values, we are essentially giving away our power.  This makes us feel helpless or powerless, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, &/or low self esteem.  By standing up for ourselves & our values, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves. We can assert ourselves in a healthy & respectful way, while still valuing & respecting the other person.  In fact, setting boundaries & standing up for ourselves often improves our relationships with others, as it shows them that we have self respect & expect to be treated with dignity.  When healthy boundaries cause problems in a relationship, it’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

As Christians, we are called to love & serve others.  However, we must also prioritize our own well being & set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm.  By doing so, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

Some Attention Seeking Behaviors Of Narcissists

When I was growing up, my mother was constantly singing.  At the time, it irritated me badly but I couldn’t put my finger on why it bothered me so much.  It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon the realization that her incessant singing was a means of keeping attention firmly fixed on her.  Today, we will discuss narcissistic attention seeking behaviors, tactics narcissists employ to ensure they remain at the center of everyone’s focus.

Imagine sitting around the dinner table, engaged in conversation, sharing laughs, & exchanging ideas.  Suddenly, someone starts singing.  In an instant, the focus shifts from our conversation to the unasked for performance.  It is impossible to continue any meaningful discussion amidst the distraction of someone singing.  Narcissists understand this type of situation all too well.  By drowning out voices with their singing, they effectively halt any conversations that may divert attention away from them & put that focus back on them.  Singing becomes a powerful way for them to remain the center of attention.

Singing also is a sensory experience that captivates not only the ears but also the eyes.  When someone starts to sing, natural instinct is to look at them.  It is an almost involuntary response.  Narcissists, with their insatiable need for attention, exploit this human tendency to their advantage.  Singing incessantly guarantees that all eyes are on them.

However, not all narcissists resort to singing as a means of attention seeking.  The allure of the spotlight can manifest in various other behaviors, each with its unique impact on those around them.

In their relentless pursuit of attention, they employ a wide array of behaviors designed to maintain their position at the center stage of any interaction.  Interrupting conversations is a classic move, as it effectively redirects the attention back to them.  Whether it’s an interjection with a loud voice, a joke, or a story, they make sure their presence is known at all times.

Physical manifestations of attention seeking behaviors can be equally impactful.  Tapping feet or fingers loudly serves as a rhythmic reminder of their presence, demanding attention even when they are not actively participating in the conversation.  Body functions, such as yawning, burping, or sneezing loudly, even become attention magnets, as they are hard to ignore & create a momentary disruption that refocuses everyone’s gaze on the narcissist.

Some other common attention seeking behaviors can be whistling or humming constantly, always having the last word in conversations, making it extremely obvious a symptom is flaring up when they have an illness or injury or displaying very theatrical or exaggerated responses when someone else is talking.

By ignoring these attention seeking behaviors, their frequency & intensity tend to diminish over time.  Narcissists’ thirst for attention is fueled by the reactions they provoke.  By denying them their desired response, we effectively show them that act won’t work, leaving them to either redirect their attention seeking efforts or retreat into the background.

Living with a narcissist like this has a profound impact on the emotional well being of those around them.  Constantly vying for the spotlight leaves little room for others to express themselves, leading to feelings of insignificance, frustration, & resentment.  These attention seeking tactics can be surprisingly damaging.  Over time, these incessant attention grabbing behaviors erode self esteem, as the victim’s needs & desires are constantly overshadowed by the narcissist.  After a while, victims may doubt their own worth & find it challenging to assert themselves in any social setting.

It is essential for victims to recognize that their voice matters & their needs are valid.  Setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted people & of course maintaining a close relationship with God help victims regain their self worth & reclaim their right to be heard, even in the midst of a narcissist’s attention seeking storm.

Narcissists will go to great lengths to ensure all eyes & ears are fixated on them.  By recognizing & understanding these behaviors, we can learn to navigate the challenging dynamics they create & find ways to assert our own needs & individuality in the face of their constant demand for attention.

The Difference Between Hurt & Harm With Boundaries

It’s common for us to use the words “hurt” & “harm” interchangeably, especially in everyday conversations, but what’s the actual difference between these two words?  It’s important to know the differences, but especially when setting boundaries.  In this post, we’ll explore the differences between hurt & harm, as well as how we can learn to make the distinction.

When we experience hurt with regard to boundaries, it usually comes from feeling disappointed or even angry that this person disagrees with us or won’t do something we ask.  Although hurt can be painful, it is usually not long-lasting.  Hurt also isn’t a deliberate act to cause pain. We can often recover from hurt quickly with some prayer, self-care, & support from friends and family.

Harm is more serious than hurt.  It is the direct result of someone else’s actions, & it can have long-term consequences.  Harm can come from abuse, neglect or exploitation.  In some cases, harm can lead to serious health complications & even death.  Setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries doesn’t harm anyone.  Abusive people however act like boundaries are harmful to them, & the person setting those boundaries is unreasonable, cruel & causing them great harm.  This makes the one setting those boundaries feel badly, & if that person is unaware of what the abuser is doing, they may disregard their boundary to please the abuser.  When this happens over & over again, the victim’s boundaries are eroded until there are none left, & the abuser is in control of the victim.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between hurt & harm if you’re not sure what to look for or are new to setting healthy boundaries.  There are some signs that might help you to recognize the difference. 

Healthy boundaries offer freedom.  The person receiving that boundary has the choice to respect it or not, & if not, they are aware there are consequences for that.  If the person receiving them doesn’t respect them & is faced with consequences, it may hurt their feelings but causes them no harm.  When there is no choice involved & someone is forced to do something they don’t want to do, that is very controlling & harmful.

Healthy boundaries encourage healthy, functional behavior from both the person setting the boundaries & the person on the receiving end of the boundaries.  Healthy behavior isn’t easy for someone accustomed to dysfunctional behavior, so it can hurt a bit at first.  However, it causes no harm.  Instead, it encourages self improvement.

You can tell a great deal about how someone feels about you by how they respond to your boundaries.  Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries.  If you are new to learning to have healthy boundaries, someone who cares for you will encourage your new growth.  A person who doesn’t truly respect or care for you will resist, criticize or even ignore your boundaries.  When victims of abuse first start to learn about boundaries, their abusers are usually very judgmental & cruel.  They accuse their victim of not being nice anymore or being selfish.  If that happens to you, just remember – they aren’t saying these things because they’re concerned about you.  They’re saying them because they realize they’re losing their control over you.  In their eyes, that’s a bad thing but in reality, it’s a very good thing, so keep doing what you’re doing!

We all deserve to feel safe & respected & healthy boundaries are a part of that. Knowing the difference between hurt & harm when setting boundaries definitely will help us to achieve that.

Signs Of Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are as varied as the individuals in them.  Some friendships are lifelong, somewhat like a marriage without the romantic aspect.  That is my best friend.  She knows more about me than anyone else excluding my husband.  Some friendships last for a while, but over time, simply fizzle out.  The once close friendship becomes more distant over time until both parties realize it’s been a very long time since they spoke, & neither is overly interested in reaching out.  It’s not about lack of fondness for each other, but more about simply growing apart.  These friendships are quite normal.

Then there are the unhealthy friends.  There isn’t much information about them readily available, so today I thought discussing them would be a good idea.

Following are some signs that your friendship is unhealthy, & it may be time for you to move on.

A friendship that is out of balance on a consistent basis is very unhealthy.  Anyone with at least one close friend knows that there are times the friendship will be out of balance.  One of you experiences a crisis, so the other is there to help however they can.  The helper doesn’t discuss much if anything about what is happening in their life during this time.  After the crisis has passed, the friendship resumes its more balanced nature.  The helper isn’t upset by the out of balance arrangement because either they have been the one in need of help before or they know their friend will be there for them if they face a crisis.  When one person is consistently the needy one & shows little or no consideration for the other however, this is a big red flag that the needy person is simply using the other.

A “friend” who fails to respect your needs & your time isn’t really your friend.  I’ve had plenty of friends like this.  All that mattered to them was what they thought they needed when they needed it, & nothing else was important.  I’ve had several friends who insisted on talking to me about their life & problems on the phone for hours, at any time of day, never once caring that I had other things to do.  Telling them I needed to go was met with talking over me or otherwise acting like I said nothing. 

You know that sharing anything about you or your life will be turned back around to them.  One former friend of mine was exceptionally skilled at doing this.  I talked to her a couple days after my father in-law died.  I mentioned that & I was concerned about my husband.  Her response?  “Oh, that’s too bad.  Anyway…” then she went on to discuss her life… even though she had spent the last half hour at least talking about it before I was able to tell her about my father in-law.  When I told my best friend the same thing, she immediately asked how my husband was doing, asked how I was doing, asked if she could do anything & said she’d be praying for us.  Such a difference!

A friend who says they don’t have time for you, but they have time for others isn’t really your friend.  The fact is people make time for what is important to them.  If someone says they are too busy to spend time with you briefly, that is one thing.  Sometimes life gets hectic, but things eventually calm down.  A person who constantly says they are too busy for you yet spends time with other friends doesn’t value your friendship.

It can hurt acknowledging some friendships are unhealthy, but I can promise you it’s absolutely worth it.  I have removed every single person like this from my life, & my life is so much better now!  I can’t tell you how much more peaceful life is without “friends” like this constantly disrupting my day & ruining my mood.  If you have unhealthy friendships, I urge you to make changes.  By losing the unhealthy friends, you will free yourself up to gain healthy ones.  Psalm 68:6 says that God gives families to the lonely, & I have found that to be so true!  My close friends are more like family than friends.  What He did for me, He can do for you too!

Using The Term “Narcissist” Appropriately

Seeing the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissist happens all the time.  Flip through magazines or social media, & you’ll come across articles with titles like, “Is Your Partner A Narcissist?”  You also may notice people who talk about someone selfish, & they describe that person as a narcissist.  Unfortunately, the terms get used quite easily, & that can do a lot of damage. 

Experiences of victims of narcissistic abuse are minimized when a person who can be selfish is labeled as a narcissist.  When someone has suffered some of the most mind altering & damaging abuse possible at the hands of a narcissist hears someone call another person who had a selfish moment a narcissist, it diminishes the severity of narcissistic abuse.  It makes narcissism sound like it’s nothing more than simple thoughtless behavior.  This can make a victim feel like they’re oversensitive, exaggerating the severity of their experiences, are weak or foolish for developing C-PTSD after the abuse & more.  This mirrors what narcissists do to their victims.  One very common tactic they use is making their victims feel like something is very wrong with them for being traumatized by the abuse.  If they can accomplish this, it creates shame in the victims, which means they are more willing to tolerate more abuse which means they will be easier to manipulate & control.  Even if this is not the goal of someone calling the average selfish person narcissistic, shame is still the result.  Shame was already there, & this person is adding to it.  It’s a cruel thing to do to victims!

When the word narcissist is used too easily, it also minimizes narcissistic abuse in general.  If someone claims a narcissist hurt them by some basic selfish act such as standing them up on a date, this basically compares that experience to soul destroying narcissistic abuse.  Someone’s thoughtless or selfish behavior that isn’t their norm (as it is for narcissists) isn’t soul destroying.  Narcissistic abuse is.  Narcissists rarely act out of sheer thoughtlessness.  Yes, they do sometimes because they are so self centered they simply don’t deem others as worthy of their consideration.  However, the majority of the behavior of narcissists isn’t thoughtless.  They plan out everything they do for the purpose of using others to benefit themselves, manipulating or controlling others, & inflicting as much pain as they can possibly cause.  There is no comparison between someone who is selfish sometimes & a narcissist.  The damage they inflict is entirely different.

Using the term narcissist too loosely also minimizes just how bad narcissists truly are.  These people are evil.  They can use & abuse anyone without one iota of shame or remorse.  They can watch someone crying because of things they have done, & not feel one smidgen of concern or regret for hurting someone.  Things like this show they are NOT simply a person having a fleeting moment of being selfish or even the average selfish person.  These behaviors are evil!

I strongly recommend not using the term narcissist lightly.  It does so much disservice to their victims & the understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder that most people have.  The term needs to be used appropriately & when someone has displayed more than simple selfish or thoughtless behavior.  Consistently showing selfishness, constantly looking for praise either by bragging openly or slyly about themselves, lacking empathy, being manipulative, envious, entitled & unwilling to change their behavior in spite of knowing how much pain it causes others are some of the hallmark signs true narcissists show.  People who exhibit these behaviors are the true narcissists, & they need to be called out for what they are, not the average thoughtless person.

Subtle Signs Of Disrespect

There are many ways a person can be disrespectful.  Many of those ways are obvious, such as telling another person they’re stupid.  Not all disrespectful ways are so noticeable however.  They are much more subtle, & sadly they happen all the time.  Everyone needs to be aware of them, & that’s the topic of today’s post.

Disrespectful people are selfish.  They may or may not be a narcissist, but even if they aren’t, they are selfish.  They think more of themselves, what they want, think, feel, & need than anyone else to the point they don’t have a lot of room left in their minds for thinking of other people.

A disrespectful person is inconsiderate of others in many ways, but in particular towards those that are romantically involved with them.  If they have a decision to make that affects both parties, they don’t consider how their decision will affect their partner.  They make their decision based on evidence that affects them only.  They also do what they want without consideration of how their actions & behaviors affect the other person in a relationship with them.  They make plans to do things without their partner, without seeing if their partner already had plans or would like to come along.  They change jobs that are far away or have different hours without asking their partner what they think of this arrangement.  They may even move a distance away without discussing it with their significant other first.

Disrespectful people do things that upset other people even when they know their behavior will upset them.  It’s usually not that they deliberately do things to upset other people.  It’s that they simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.  Or, if they do think of that, they don’t understand why this particular behavior is upsetting to someone.  If they don’t fully understand why this behavior is upsetting to someone, the chances of them repeating the behavior is excellent.  As an example, if someone knows that you are very upset about lateness, yet they continually are let when they meet up with you, that is clearly disrespectful behavior.

A disrespectful person can be controlling.  Let’s say you’re a woman on your first date or one of your first dates with a man.  You go out to dinner together.  If he places your order for you, without asking what you want, that may seem harmless but it’s a subtle sign of control.  Or, if you place your order & he tells the waiter you don’t want that, you want something else instead, that’s another sign of a controlling person. 

Disrespectful people have no respect for the time of others.  If you tell someone you’re on the phone with or visiting that you must go, & they act as if you said nothing, that is disrespectful.

While everyone behaves disrespectfully periodically, it shouldn’t be anyone’s normal behavior.  If someone you know acts this way, they are being very disrespectful & you don’t deserve this kind of treatment! 

You are well within your rights to speak to this person about their behavior.  Hopefully this person isn’t a narcissist, & they will be open to correction.  If you speak to them & they deny doing anything wrong or even turn the behavior back on you somehow, then chances are good you’re dealing with a narcissist.  Confronting narcissists, no matter how calmly or respectfully, rarely ends well for the person doing the confronting.  Pray often, learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & figure out how best to handle this relationship.

Not Everyone Who Displays Some Narcissistic Traits Is A Narcissist

After narcissistic abuse, we function in high alert mode to bad behavior.  The first hint of selfishness or lack of empathy can make us quick to label someone as narcissistic.  This can be good in a way because it means the likelihood is slim of being abused by another narcissist.  In another way though, this is bad.  Someone having a bad day, in a selfish phase or is just your average jerk becomes labeled as a narcissist unnecessarily, & treated accordingly, when this isn’t a good way to handle that particular situation.

I was talking with my best friend once about someone I know who came across as a know it all, & how much it bothered me.  She pointed out that most likely why the behavior bothered me so much was because my narcissistic ex husband was a know it all.  Later, in thinking about this, I began to consider the situation.  Yes, this person exhibited some narcissistic traits, but was he truly a narcissist?  After prayer & considering what I know about the person, I realized no, he’s not a narcissist.  I believe his personality to be the ISTJ Myers Briggs type, & when they function out of dysfunction or even exhaustion, sometimes they can appear narcissistic even when they truly aren’t.

Realizing that as well as considering what I knew about his life made me realize I needed to treat him differently.  Gray rock & other ways to interact with narcissists wouldn’t work in this situation because he wasn’t a narcissist.  I knew he’d been subjected to a lot of negativity & little encouragement, so I became freer with complements.  I did some small things for him, too, including giving a gift I knew he would like out of the blue.  These behaviors changed how he interacted with me.  He became much more pleasant to be around, even less know it all-ish.  We get along much better now.

I want to encourage you to do the same.  I know all kinds of alarms can go off when someone shows some narcissistic traits.  Those alarms can serve you well, but be sure that the person is indeed a narcissist before treating him or her as such.  Consider what you know about the person.  Is this the first time he has behaved in such a way?  Are there other clear signs of narcissism?  Once you really think about this person, you may realize there aren’t other signs.  For example, maybe this person is behaving in a selfish manner, but also expresses genuine empathy.  This person simply could be going through a hard time privately that is dictating the bad behavior.  Narcissists lack empathy & nothing changes their bad behavior, so the person in this example most likely isn’t a narcissist.

It is a good idea to try expressing gentleness & kindness to this person if you know they truly aren’t narcissistic.  The person in your life could be like the person in mine who was lacking such things, & when exposed to them, changes their behavior in a positive way.  Or, they could be struggling through a hard time & a little gentleness & kindness can provide them with just the encouragement they need, which will make them want to treat you better. 

Just remember, while narcissists are surprisingly common, that doesn’t mean every single selfish or thoughtless person is one.  Consider the person in question & ask God to give you discernment so you can treat the person in question accordingly.

Feeling Like You Must Forget Yourself To Focus On Others In Relationships

When I was growing up, I remember feeling like my entire purpose in life was only to serve people no matter any personal cost, never burden anyone, never inconvenience anyone in any way or even cost anyone anything.  This continued into adulthood where it was reinforced by the extremely toxic narcissists I have known. 

The result of this was me believing some pretty dysfunctional things.  One of those things was that if a relationship I was in was to succeed, I “only” had to forget all of my feelings, wants & needs, & focus completely on the other person.

While this may sound utterly impossible to believe, I assure you it is quite true.  I also can assure you that such dysfunctional beliefs are ingrained in many victims of narcissistic abuse. 

If you are someone who has thought this way, I am speaking to you today.

Whatever any narcissist told you that ingrained such beliefs in you is utterly WRONG!  You aren’t responsible for other people.  Of course, doing for others is good but not to the extent you hurt yourself.  By doing too much for other people, you are distracting them from God & focusing their attention on you.  When they have a need, rather than pray, they’ll simply expect you to meet that need, which in a way makes you a god in their life.  This is NOT good!!

It also isn’t healthy to be so completely self reliant.  That is a trauma response that stems from being hurt too much by other people.  I know – I struggle with this myself on a very regular basis, so I have a lot of experience in this area.  God made human beings to need relationships, to need other people.  A relationship with Him should be first & foremost, of course, but also we should have healthy relationships with other people.  Healthy relationships involve two people being there & doing for each other.

There is nothing wrong with accepting help from someone.  Whether the help is someone giving you money, doing something for you or helping you to do something, none of this is bad at all!  As I said, God made people to need relationships. 

You aren’t burdening anyone or even inconveniencing them.  You are NOT a problem in any way!  Don’t believe this lie that the narcissist told you!

In fact, the fact the narcissist has told you this is proof that there is something pretty wonderful about you.  Narcissists don’t choose average or even below average people to abuse.  They choose those who they see as attractive, loving, intelligent, talented or successful.  People who they believe will make them look good, in other words.  The narcissist saw something special in you, which is why he or she chose you to abuse. 

If your parent is the abusive narcissist in your life, you may think that doesn’t apply to you but it still does.  Yes, you were a convenient target, but your parent also thought there was something special about you. 

When you have moments where dysfunctional thoughts like I have mentioned come to mind, then please remind yourself that these thoughts are wrong.  They were planted there by someone who only did so for self serving reasons, not because these things are true.  You have all the same rights that other people have, no more or less.  You are worthy of expecting to be treated with love & respect.  You aren’t a burden to anyone, & anyone who truly loves you appreciates the special person that you are!

Common Myths About Narcissism

There are many myths about narcissists.  This post addresses some of the common ones & why these myths are wrong.

“Narcissism is a disorder.  They can’t help their behavior.”  While narcissism is listed as a personality disorder, it isn’t a typical mental disorder.  Personality disorders describe dysfunctional behavior rather than a physical problem with someone’s brain.  If you doubt this, watch any narcissist around someone they want to impress & their victim.  Their behavior will be extremely different with each person.

“Narcissists don’t know what they’re doing hurts people.”  Yes they do know.  They know that what they are doing causes pain & suffering, but they don’t care.  This is because one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complete lack of empathy.  If you have doubts, watch a narcissist’s reaction when they hurt you.  Chances are you will see a sign of satisfaction the moment they realize how badly they hurt you.  A slight smirk, smug facial expression or glimmer in their eyes are the most common signs.

“If you tell a narcissist that what they’re doing hurts you, they’ll change their behavior.”  That lack of empathy thing?  That is exactly why this is wrong.  Narcissists do NOT care about any pain & suffering they cause.  In fact, if you tell them that something they have done hurts you, chances are excellent that they’ll do that behavior again because they know how much it hurts you.

“He/She has been abused.  That behavior is all they know.”  Maybe this is true.  Many narcissists have been abused & because of that, they don’t know how to behave in a healthy way.  That being said though, anyone knows that if something hurts them, it will hurt someone else.  That should be a sign that they shouldn’t do certain things!  Even if they don’t really know what to do, they absolutely know what they shouldn’t do.

“Narcissists aren’t so bad.  They’re just selfish.”  Narcissists aren’t your average, garden variety selfish jerk.  Average selfish people simply don’t think of others as much as they should.  They aren’t necessarily out to cause pain, but rather it is a consequence of their lack of consideration of others.  When they learn they have hurt someone, they apologize & try to change their behavior.  Narcissists enjoy causing pain.  They also care only about what they want, so hurting others to get those things won’t upset them.  They won’t apologize sincerely or change their selfish behavior no matter how much pain they cause.

“No one can be a narcissist & be active in the church/a teacher/a doctor/a police officer/a therapist.”  Narcissists are attracted to the so called “helping professions.”  People admire, respect & obey those in helping professions.  Narcissists crave that sort of treatment from others like oxygen.  They also enjoy being in control, & those positions offer them some degree of authority over others.

“Narcissists are all alike so it’s easy to find ways to deal with them.”  Lots of no in this statement!!  While many narcissists behave much the same way, that doesn’t mean they’re all alike.  Not only are there different types of narcissists, but each one is also an individual with their own unique personality, likes, dislikes, quirks & more.  Also Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a spectrum disorder.  Someone who exhibits almost all or all behaviors of NPD is known as a malignant narcissist.  They are impossible to deal with & are much more dangerous than someone who exhibits only a few traits.

“Narcissists are easy to identify.  They brag about themselves & their accomplishments.”  There are overt narcissists who behave this way but that doesn’t describe all narcissists.  Covert narcissists are the opposite.  They are often meek, quiet, appear very unassuming & even not very intelligent.  They appear selfless & even martyr-like.  People admire them for being such good people, which provides them a lot of admiration.

This is hardly an all inclusive list of myths, but I hope this short list helps you anyway.

Narcissistic Abuse Isn’t Personal

When experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels like the narcissist is attacking you like a hungry lion attacks prey.  They do their level best to destroy everything about you.  That feels incredibly personal, doesn’t it?  The fact is though that it isn’t.

Narcissists are incredibly selfish & self serving.  Every single thing they do is motivated by how it will serve or benefit them.

If a narcissist calls you ugly or stupid, it isn’t because he or she thinks you are.  It’s because it makes the narcissist feel powerful when they see you hurting because of that insult.

If your narcissistic spouse destroys your financial status, that isn’t about you either.  Destroying your finances makes him or her feel powerful.  You can’t leave him or her without money.  You can’t rent a place to live with a bad credit rating.  You are forced to maintain the relationship with this narcissist, & they love having that control.

If the narcissist in your life is your parent who refuses to treat you like an adult, again, that isn’t about you.  It doesn’t mean the narcissist believes you aren’t a capable adult.  Treating you as a child well past childhood gives that parent the control they want over you by making you feel incapable.

At the core of narcissistic behavior is the drive for narcissistic supply.  Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the ego.  Everyone appreciates narcissistic supply to some degree.  A sincere complement makes you feel good, doesn’t it?  Most people appreciate complements.  Some may even fish for them once in a while, asking questions like, “Does this dress look ok on me?” in the hopes of hearing, “You look beautiful in that dress!”  That is narcissistic supply on a normal scale.  Narcissists, however, take this to an extreme.

Narcissists will do anything to gain their narcissistic supply & gain it often.  They have no problem tearing another person’s self esteem apart or manipulating & controlling others to get it.  The fact others are hurt in this process isn’t important to narcissists, due to their complete lack of empathy.  All that matters is they accomplish or obtain whatever it is that they want at that moment.  And, once that moment is done, they are looking for their next moment.

Narcissists are much like hard core drug addicts, always looking for their next high, & they will do anything to get that high.  The only difference is their drug of choice is narcissistic supply.

Always remember that what narcissists do is about them, not you. Even hurting, even destroying, you isn’t about you.  Every single solitary thing narcissists do is always about them & procuring their precious narcissistic supply, period.  The more you remember this, the less devastated you will be when the narcissist in your life says & does the terrible things they do to you.

One word of warning: this realization shows just what a damaged person the narcissist is.  It’s sad when you realize that someone’s thinking could be so warped as to not care about the tremendous amount of damage they do to others, including those they say they love.  While yes, this is sad, please don’t let yourself feel too much pity for the narcissist, because that can lead you down the path of tolerating their abuse.  Remember, they have chosen over & over to do the abusive things they have done.  This has shut down their empathy, & made it easier for them to continue to abuse.  While it’s sad they are as they are, narcissism is ultimately a result of their bad choices.

Identifying Selfish People vs Narcissists

These days, it seems like narcissists are pretty much everywhere.  Yet, many people don’t understand there are differences between selfish people & narcissists.  Selfish people are called narcissists, when the simple fact is, they aren’t narcissistic- they’re just selfish.  And, narcissists are called selfish when in fact, they’re something much darker & more evil- narcissists.

 

Since selfishness is one of the main giveaways that someone is a narcissist, how does one discern a narcissist from someone selfish?  It can be done..

 

Here are 10 ways that can help you to discern selfish people from the narcissistic people.

 

1. Selfish people are annoying, yes, but narcissists go beyond annoying with their selfishness.  Every single tiny thing can be turned back to them.  Selfish people will discuss topics other than themselves from time to time.
2. Selfish people are capable of empathy.  Narcissists are not.
3. Selfish people may not consider your feelings all the time, but they are capable of it & will do it sometimes.  Narcissists?  Not happening.
4. Selfish people are capable of showing respect.  Narcissists are not.
5. Selfish people aren’t necessarily envious of everyone they view as more attractive, more talented or more successful.  Narcissists are extremely envious.
6. Selfish people don’t feel the need to brag about their great accomplishments, skills, looks, etc. like overt narcissists do, nor do they make a show of being a martyr or victim like covert narcissists.
7. Selfish people can respect a person’s boundaries.  Narcissists refuse to respect boundaries.
8. Selfish people change if you tell them that their behavior has hurt you.  Narcissists not only don’t change, but try to hurt you even more for daring to confront them.
9. Selfish people are capable of giving genuine apologies.  Not so with narcissists.  They give fake apologies (“I’m sorry you think I did something bad to you”) or turn the situation around & claim they are your victim.
10. If you confront a selfish person about something, they won’t rage at you or accuse you of being the selfish one (projecting their flaws onto you).  If you confront a narcissist, you can count on rage, projection or the silent treatment.

Making Yourself A Priority

Many of us who grew up with a narcissistic mother learned early in life to put ourselves last in every way.  This carries over into adulthood, making for some very sad & resentful adults.

Even so, we usually are unwilling to change this. We want to be different than our extremely selfish narcissistic mothers, so we go in the completely opposite direction.  And, with Christians, being concerned for & helping others is a big part of who God wants His children to be.  How could we be so selfish as to put ourselves first?  We certainly don’t want to disappoint God!  And, if your narcissistic mother claimed to be religious, no doubt she used religion to reinforce that belief in you that taking care of yourself is selfish.  Even if she wasn’t religious, she probably told you, as mine did, that it was selfish & bad to take care of yourself.

The fact is though that taking care of yourself is NOT selfish!  Taking care of yourself is necessary.  I know, that feels so wrong after a lifetime of training from your narcissistic mother, but it’s very true!  How else can you expect to function or to be there for other people if you are sick or exhausted?

Also, if you consistently put yourself & your needs last, it tells other people that they can do the same.  It sends the message that you are so unimportant that even you mistreat yourself.  If you can mistreat yourself, then it is perfectly acceptable for someone else to do so.

Dear Reader, I want to encourage you today to realize that you have every right, a duty to yourself even, to make yourself a priority.  Making yourself a priority doesn’t make you selfish, so long as you do so in balance.  (Narcissists take a healthy thing & make it completely out of balance)  It doesn’t make you a bad person, in spite of what your narcissistic mother will say.  Jesus even did so- there were times when He needed time to Himself & he took it, refusing to be interrupted.  If Jesus did it, & as Christians we are to be like Him, don’t you think you can do this too without being selfish or bad?

Make yourself your top priority, starting today.  You deserve nothing less.

How Do You Treat Those Who Are Suffering?

I was talking with a good friend recently.  She told me about something traumatic that happened to her a while back.  She also said that many of her friends & relatives told her that she needed to get over it & trivialized her awful experience, rather than offer her compassion & support.  Naturally, it upset her badly that people she expected to be compassionate were instead cold & unfeeling.

Unfortunately I understand her feelings all too well.  Since I got sick at the end of February, I’ve experienced this same thing first hand more times than I can count, starting at the hospital.  Apparently even a potentially deadly illness isn’t enough to warrant compassion from most people.

There is a terrible lack of love, empathy & compassion in the world today.  2 Timothy 3:1-5 says, “1 But understand this, that in the last days will come (set in) perilous times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear].  2 For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane.  3 [They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting of no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, troublemakers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good.  4 [They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God.  5 For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them].”  (AMP)

I firmly believe this is what is happening today, why people are so indifferent to the suffering of others.  Look at how people behave.  Money & things mean more than people & relationships.  Animal & child abuse are commonplace, as is hypocrisy.  And most importantly, God is rarely invited into, well, anything.  Not many people have God as their top priority in life.  Without God, it’s impossible to truly love people God’s way- full of compassion, caring, & great empathy.

Dear Reader, I’m certain you have been on the receiving end of this hurtful type of behavior. Your pain has no doubt been trivialized or even invalidated.  (This is especially common for adult children of narcissistic parents, since our parents didn’t always leave bruises or broken bones like physically abusive ones did, & they act like good people around everyone but their own children.)

While there is certainly no way to control how people act & completely avoid their coldness, you can remember that a person who acts this way has a problem.  That will help you not to internalize their words, thinking something is wrong with you for being upset over whatever trauma you experienced.  You need to remember that, because you are not wrong, crazy, oversensitive, etc. for being upset when something bad happens to you.

And, also remember that people with problems naturally turn self-centered to varying degrees.  Some people become so self-centered that they don’t have it in them to care about others who are also suffering.  Remembering this too will help you not to internalize being treated so poorly.

I would like to also encourage you to consider how you react when someone tells you about a painful or traumatic experience.  Do you offer compassion?  Empathize with their pain?  Or, are you so wrapped up in your own problems you refuse to see anything or anyone except what relates directly to you?

If you are the type to have a hard time empathizing when you too are suffering, it may be time to change that.  Aside from the fact that behavior can be hurting others, being good to others also is good for you.  It takes your mind off your problems, even if only temporarily.  You also may learn that this person & you share a common problem, & now you have someone to talk about your problems with.  You may be able to help each other!

Don’t know how to change this about yourself?  Ask God for help.  Ask Him to increase your empathy, to make you more aware of the feelings of others  & to give you wisdom on how to help those He puts in your path & wisdom with your words.  God will honor your prayer, & bless you for wanting to help others.

Ignoring Narcissists

Do you know the one thing that makes a narcissist’s head practically explode?
 
Ignore her.  It’s that simple.
 
Love her or hate her, either is fine- both mean you are giving her some attention, & as long as the narcissist gets attention, that is all that matters.  Positive or negative attention isn’t important- only that she is receiving attention.  But ignore her as if she doesn’t even exist?  Pay her no attention at all no matter what her games?  She simply can’t handle it.  She will ignore the other person at best, or will do her level best to discredit the ignoring person or take revenge at worst.  (It can be quite the show!)  
 
The reason for her outrageous behavior is what is called narcissistic injury.  Anything (real or perceived) that threatens a narcissist’s self-esteem is what is known as a narcissistic injury.  And, rejecting a narcissist, even when it is done simply to protect yourself from her harmful behavior rather than to be mean, is a threat to her self-esteem.  She won’t care why you don’t want to speak to her- she only cares that you are rejecting her.
 
There is a possible result a narcissistic injury that anyone dealing with a narcissist should be aware of, & that is what is known as a narcissistic rage.  Narcissistic rage ranges anywhere from refusing to speak to the one who inflicted the narcissistic injury, hurling cruel insults, slander, screaming, sending others to “talk sense into” the offender or even physical violence.  Remember, with narcissists, the only thing that matters to them, is them.  You, your feelings, desires, life, friends or family mean absolutely nothing to them.  They will do anything to take care of themselves, & if that means hurting you in any way to do that, so be it.
 
I’ve been the object of narcissistic rages many times in my life, & I have noticed that ignoring the narcissist is what creates the worst rages.  I’ve also noticed that the more “valuable” you are to the narcissist (you listen when they want to talk, do what they want you to do, etc), the more potential for an especially nasty rage.  The less “valuable” you are to the narcissist, the more likely the rage won’t be bad, or they may even walk away quietly.
 

March 23, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!  I hope this post finds you well today.

Again, I’m sorry for not posting more often.  It’s been a rough month.  Losing our dog on Feb. 21 was so painful, & the Complex PTSD has been really rough lately.  Maybe the grief has made the symptoms flare up.  I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself & recover, so writing hasn’t been happening.

I’ve noticed something lately that has irked me to no avail.  Selfishness.  As many of you know, I grew up with a narcissistic mother, so selfishness is nothing new to me.  However, lately, for some reason, it has made me so angry!  

Selfishness is at the root of a lot of awful, hurtful behavior.  As an example, in my post on February 23, 2013, I mentioned some of the heartless comments I heard after our dog passed.  I believe selfishness is at the root of them- my grief made some people uncomfortable, so they said stupid comments, thinking that would make me “get over it”  or stifle my grief, & they could be comfortable again.

Selfishness also is at the root of bad behaviors, such as the person who calls you only to gripe about their problems, & never asks how you’re doing.  It’s also the reason that people married to a narcissist will turn the angry narcissist’s attention to their child- so the child will be the focus of the narcissist’s bad behavior instead of them.  Meanwhile, this causes tremendous damage to the child’s mental health.  I should know- I’m living proof of this one!

The point is, there is a reason the Bible speaks against selfishness!  It is very damaging to relationships & the mental health of those of us on the receiving end of it.  I love Philippians 2:1-4 in the Message translation:

“If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.”

Isn’t that beautifully said?  It makes me want to be very aware of thinking of others rather than myself.  I hope it encourages you to do the same.  

I encourage you today to think of how you can bless others.  Smile at a stranger.  Tell your spouse how glad you are to be married to him or her.  Hug your kids (furry or human!) for no reason.  Complement freely.  Offer help to someone having trouble.  Be aware of the needs around you, & see if you can meet those needs.  If you are worried about being taken advantage of, then pray.  Ask God to help you discern who to help, & who not to help.

Lastly, while you’re blessing others, don’t forget to bless yourself.  Do a little something nice just for you, too!  Watch a movie you’ve been wanting to see with a bowl of popcorn.  Go to lunch with a friend.  Buy yourself a little something.  

Have a great day, Dear Readers.  May God bless every single one of you!  🙂