Valuing Yourself In Relationships

Relationships of all types, romantic, friendships & familial, are an essential part of life, & it’s crucial to nurture them with love, respect, & understanding.  However, sometimes, we tend to compromise our self-worth in relationships, which can lead to mistreatment & abuse.  Today, I hope to shed some light on the importance of valuing yourself in relationships.

Many people believe that valuing oneself in a relationship is selfish or narcissistic.  However, it’s essential to understand that it’s not about putting oneself above others; it’s about recognizing one’s worth & treating oneself with love & respect.  When you value yourself, you can set healthy boundaries that communicate your needs & expectations, which creates a balanced, healthy relationship.

One of the most significant benefits of valuing yourself in relationships is recognizing your worth.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care.  This awareness makes it easier for you to identify when your partner is mistreating or disrespecting you.  Many people find themselves in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize their worth.  They tolerate abuse because they think that it’s what they deserve. However, when you value yourself, you understand that you deserve better & won’t tolerate such mistreatment.

A crucial aspect of valuing yourself in relationships is the ability to communicate your needs.  When you value yourself, you understand your needs & expectations from your partner. This awareness makes it easier for you to communicate your needs respectfully.  When you value yourself, you understand that your needs are essential, you have the right to communicate them & you can communicate them respectfully without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also means setting healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are essential in relationships because they help define the limits of what is acceptable & what is not.  They also help create a respectful & loving relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand your limits & what you will & won’t tolerate from your partner.  You can set boundaries without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Valuing yourself in relationships also helps you avoid abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships.  When you value yourself, you understand that you deserve a healthy & loving relationship.  You won’t tolerate any unhealthy behavior from your partner, & you will walk away from toxic relationships.

Valuing yourself in relationships also can help you build self-confidence.  When you value yourself, you understand your worth, & you treat yourself with love & respect.  Self-confidence is essential in creating a happy & healthy life.  It can help you achieve your goals & dreams & can help you build healthy relationships.  

Valuing yourself in relationships can also help you avoid expecting your partner to make you happy.  That expectation creates an unhealthy & unbalanced relationship.  When you value yourself, you understand that you don’t need a partner to feel happy & fulfilled.

Valuing yourself in relationships is essential in creating happy & healthy relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or narcissistic; it means that you understand your worth & treat yourself with love & respect.  So, take some time to reflect on your self-worth & how you can value yourself in your relationships.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

The Importance Of Valuing Your Spouse

Recently, I came across a video that spoke about how some men are afraid of their wives learning to value themselves & leaving them.  To prevent this from happening, they tear these women down by criticizing them so they will think that they can’t do any better & stay with them.  I believe this is a common behavior & that men haven’t cornered the market on it – women do this too.  Today, we will talk about how to avoid such behaviors & how to value your spouse.

Tearing someone down is never a solution to any problem.  Criticizing your spouse only hurts their self-esteem & damages your relationship.  The root of such behavior is often insecurity.  When you are insecure, you tend to feel threatened by your spouse’s success or growth, which can lead to controlling, manipulative, & abusive behavior.  Therefore, it is essential to recognize the signs of such behavior & acknowledge that your spouse’s success or growth does not diminish your worth or value in any way.  Instead, it is an opportunity to support & encourage them to become the best version of themselves.

The first step towards having a healthy, happy relationship is to take a step back & reflect on your behavior.  Ask yourself why you feel the need to tear your spouse down.  Once you identify the root cause, it’s time to work on yourself.

Prayer is powerful.  God will help you overcome the problem.  He will provide you with the strength & wisdom to recognize your weaknesses & improve them.  He also will help you communicate with your spouse in a healthy & respectful manner & build a healthier relationship.

Reflecting on your behavior also can help you identify areas where you need to improve.  It can help you become more aware of your actions & how they affect your spouse, which can help you become more empathetic & compassionate towards your spouse’s feelings & needs.

If you find yourself being judgmental or critical of your spouse out of fear of losing them, try wooing them instead.  Wooing your spouse means making them feel cherished, loved, & desired.  It also means prioritizing them over anyone else in your life.  You can do this by expressing your love & appreciation for them, listening to them, supporting their goals & dreams, & being there for them when they need you.  You can also surprise them with small gestures of kindness, like preparing their favorite meal or buying them a thoughtful gift to show them that you are thinking about them.  These things help build trust, intimacy, & a stronger emotional connection, while making your spouse feel valued & appreciated.

Accept your spouse.  In other words, don’t try to change them or mold them into the person you want them to be.  Instead, embrace their uniqueness & support them in their growth & development.  Acceptance helps build trust, respect, & a stronger emotional connection.  

Offer grace to your spouse.  Offering grace means being patient, kind, & understanding towards your spouse.  It means recognizing that they are human & that they need your support & encouragement to become the best version of themselves.

Valuing your spouse is essential for building a healthy, respectful, & fulfilling partnership.  

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

The Unfortunate Reality Of Trying To Please Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to please their parents & make them think they are good, & not the terrible person their parents say they are.  Sadly, no one ever can be good enough for their narcissistic parents.  Eventually, they realize this, & a desperate attempt to gain the approval of their parents can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors.

One way they try to obtain their parents’ approval is by trying activities they are not qualified for, such as taking on high-level jobs or starting businesses they don’t have the skills to manage.  This can lead to failure, which they may use as evidence to prove their parents’ belief that they are inadequate.

In an effort to gain their parents’ approval, children of narcissistic parents may marry people they are not compatible with, but their parents like.  They may think that by marrying someone their parents like, they will be able to gain their parent’s approval, even if the relationship is not a healthy one.  They prioritize their parents’ approval over their own happiness.

Another way they attempt to gain their parents’ approval is when children of narcissistic parents get into a lot of debt & then rely on their parents to help them pay it off.  This can be a way for them to prove their parents right by showing that they are unable to manage their finances & need their parents’ help.

In order to stop this destructive cycle, it’s vitally important to recognize that you deserve better than this.  You are a child of God!  Galatians 3:26 in the Amplified Bible says, “For you [who are born-again have been reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, sanctified and] are all children of God [set apart for His purpose with full rights & privileges] through faith in Christ Jesus.”  God is the only parent whose approval you should seek!  Seek Him & nurture that relationship.  He will give you that love & approval you want & more.

It’s also very important to focus on building self-esteem.  Study what the Bible says about you.  God has very definite & wonderful opinions of His children, & learning those things will help build your self-esteem.

It also will help you to learn how to have realistic expectations of not only yourself but your parents as well.  If you view yourself & them realistically, you won’t be disappointed when you make mistakes or hurt when they’re so critical because you know that is just what they do.

And, while the Bible says we are to honor our parents, that doesn’t mean we are to allow them to determine how we feel about ourselves.  Your self worth doesn’t need to depend on how they see you.  It needs to come from learning what God says about you & from within.  Honoring them also doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate anything they say or do to you, no matter how cruel.  You can have healthy boundaries & honor your parents, although I’m sure narcissistic parents will disagree with that statement.  I wrote a small book on the topic called “How To Honor Abusive Parents”, & it’s available on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com or at this link.

Learn to release the hope of ever gaining your narcissistic parents’ approval.  Also get to know God as your Father, learn to love & accept yourself & have realistic expectations of your parents.  You will be much happier for it!

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

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A Message For The Ladies

In the time that Jesus lived on the Earth, women were not exactly respected.  They weren’t allowed to participate in the activities of holy days, to talk to men outside of their home, to learn many basic things such as to read or even receive an inheritance.  Although things aren’t perfect today, women have it much better than they did in Jesus’ time.  In that era, women were supposed to be seen & not heard.

Thankfully, Jesus began to change this!  I find it so strange how many people think Christianity is oppressive to women, because the Bible is full of stories of how Jesus loved & taught everyone, not only men.  Women were among His closest companions.  Luke 8 tells of some of them.  Luke 8:2 mentions Mary Magdalene.  Jesus cast seven demons out of her & she devotedly followed him after that.  She was in fact at his trial & crucifixion.  Luke 8:3 mentions Joanna & Susanna along with many others whose names weren’t mentioned specifically.

There was also the prostitute who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears during a dinner at the house of a Pharisee.  Her story is told in Luke 7:36-50.

Another Mary is mentioned too.  She was the mother of one of the disciples of Jesus, James. 

John 4:7-30 tells the story of Jesus talking to a very sinful Samaritan woman.  At the time, most people wouldn’t have spoken with her, but Jesus did & talked to her with kindness, respect & love. 

We also can’t forget the woman caught in the act of adultery.  Her story is told in John 8.  The scribes & Pharisees demanded she be punished to the fullest extent of the law, yet interestingly, not one of them mentioned punishing the man she was with.  He reminded them that they weren’t perfect either.  Then He forgave her sin & told her not to sin again.  He showed her great mercy when many others would have stoned her to death.

Of course, we can’t forget Mary, the mother of Jesus!  She was with Him every possible moment of His time here on Earth.

Jesus loved these women dearly, & always treated them with love & respect.  He acknowledged their sins, but didn’t treat them as if that was what defined them.  He never talked down to them or treated them as society did, as if they were inferior.  He talked to them about anything & everything that interested them or that they needed to hear.  He praised their good deeds, such as the poor widow who gave a tiny amount in an offering because she gave all that she had.  

One of the best parts of how Jesus was with women is that He transformed their lives.  Rather than remaining seen & not heard, they ended up living lives of influence.  They made changes in the world around them.  That would have been impossible without Jesus!

Ladies, I want to encourage you today to be confident in yourself.  You are loved so much more than you know by God!  He supports you & wants only the best for you.  If you aren’t sure what His purpose for you is, start asking Him to show you.  Pay attention to the yearnings in your heart.  Start trying some things.  You’ll find out pretty quickly what you can & can’t do, what you love to do & what you don’t.  It may take a little time, but don’t be discouraged.  God has created you with a purpose & with the ability to fulfill that purpose!

Making A Difference With Your Faith In God

In a world that is filled with so much hurt & pain, it is easy to get lost & feel like our faith doesn’t matter.  We can get bogged down by the heaviness of the world & feel like our small act of faith can’t make a difference.  The truth is that faith absolutely makes a difference!

The reality is that God is the only thing that can turn the world upside down. But, when we have faith in God, we are able to see the world through His eyes & make a difference in the world with the gifts & talents that He has given us.  That’s why it’s important not to give up, & to keep your faith strong.

Faith is having complete trust & confidence in God.  It believes in the unseen.  It is the complete surrender of our doubt & fear to God.  It is trusting that God will never leave us or forsake us, no matter what we may be going through.  Faith is trusting in God, knowing that He will work out the details of our lives & is always in control.  It is also the courage to take action despite uncertainty. It is having trust that God’s plan is greater than our own.  It means that He will be our strength when we are weak.  

Faith can give us strength, courage & hope in the midst of difficult & uncertain times. It can help to bring about peace, joy & transformation in every aspect of our lives.

It takes faith to look at the world & see it differently than others.  Faith wants to make a difference, believes that we can & trusts that God will give us the strength & ability to do so.  With faith, we can believe that the world can be different & that we have the power to make a change.

Faith can lead us to action & open us up to new possibilities.  Faith can move mountains, change the course of history & bring about a wave of transformation in the world.  It is a force that cannot be stopped & will always prevail in the end.  Faith is a powerful tool that can be used for good & when we have faith in the unseen, amazing & wonderful things can happen.

Faith has the power to bring about real & lasting change in the world.  When we have faith & believe that better things are possible, God empowers us to take action & create a more loving & just world.  

Faith can lead us to open our hearts & minds to connecting with those around us in deeper ways, & even those we have never met.  It can encourage us to reach out to the vulnerable & marginalized. Faith can heal broken hearts & bring joy & peace to the world. 

It takes faith to see the world differently, to believe that better things are possible, & to take action when we don’t know the result.  Faith can give us the strength to keep going even when the odds seem insurmountable. It can empower us to make a difference in the world by our actions & to see the beauty in life.

Having faith can be hard & can often put us out of our comfort zone, but it is absolutely worth it!  Faith can give us courage & strength to make a difference, to look at the world with eyes filled with hope & love, & to help create a better, more just world.  During the hard times remember that all it takes is a tiny amount of faith to make a difference, so if all you have at the moment is a tiny amount, that is enough!  Matthew 17:20 says, “He answered, “Because of your little faith [your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God]; for I assure you and most solemnly say to you, if you have [living] faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and [if it is God’s will] it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You’re OK With Resuming A Toxic Relationship

Back in 2016, I had a very interesting dream not long after my husband’s mother died. In it, she & I were together, & she tearfully apologized for how badly she had treated me. In the dream, I reacted much as I would if this happened in real life. I said thank you, I appreciate that, but please leave me alone. At that point, she left me alone & I woke up.

Many people would think this is proof I haven’t forgiven her for the abuse & the many problems she caused in my marriage. After all, there wasn’t any sort of affection coming from me. I didn’t hug her & say all is fine now. I was cold & wanted her to leave me alone, just like how I would have behaved if this had happened in my life instead of only in a dream. The truth is that forgiveness isn’t always about forgiving & forgetting, which is what God showed me in this dream. He showed me that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you are OK with resuming a relationship with that person.

Forgiveness has many facets. You can forgive that person who hurt you accidentally somehow because you know they honestly had no ill intentions towards you. They were truly ignorant of the problems their actions would cause. You also can forgive someone when their actions, although well intentioned, caused you problems that no one could foresee. You also can forgive someone their debt that they can’t repay you. In these instances, if the offending people are apologetic & change their behavior, the relationship can continue as normal. I firmly believe that most people think all forgiveness should be this way, but that is highly unrealistic. Sometimes, in spite of forgiving someone, you need to make changes in the relationship or even end it.

Let’s say a person owed you money then you forgave their debt continually kept trying to borrow more money from you. It would be foolish of you to lend them money & forgive their debt repeatedly, wouldn’t it? The same goes for someone who hurt you, then repeated that behavior even knowing how much it hurt you. It would be foolish to continue to allow this person to hurt you over & over again. You may continue the relationship with people like this, but your boundaries should be much stricter than they had been. Or, you may opt to end the relationship. Either way, your behavior would be reasonable under the circumstances. Also, either way, your behavior isn’t proof that you harbor unforgiveness.

When someone has hurt, used or abused you repeatedly, it is possible to forgive them while not being ready to continue the relationship as it was. Or, if you ended the relationship, it’s possible to forgive them while not being willing to resume a relationship.

I believe that forgiving someone means that you harbor no ill will towards them. You don’t wish the worst on them. You also release them from any expectations of trying to make it up to you for what they have done. If they do, great! If not, that is fine too, but it does mean you need to adjust your behavior in ways that protect you from their bad behavior.

If you have changed or ended a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts you, please don’t let anyone tell you that you haven’t forgiven them or you should “forgive & forget.” Never forget, there is nothing bad in or wrong with setting boundaries or ending toxic relationships.

The Power Of Praying Over Your Home

Since becoming a Christian in 1996, I have learned a great deal about the power of prayer over the years, & I even learned specifically about the power of praying over your home. 

Blessing your home like this is one of the simplest yet best things you can do for yourself & your home.  I don’t mean you have to invite in a priest, shaman or anyone special to do some very specific ritual.  I mean simply praying over your home, asking God to bless it however you see fit.

Many years ago when I came across this idea, I prayed over my husband’s & my first home.  I asked God to take care of it as well as our property, to take care of & bless not only us who lived in it but anyone who came through its door.  The prayer was nothing fancy, but it made an obvious difference. 

God protected us & our home from some pretty scary things after that prayer.  We had a very large dead tree in our back yard that we couldn’t afford to have cut down right away.  Every time there was a storm or wind, we were afraid of its branches or the tree itself falling onto our home or cars.  Several times, huge branches fell, but never on our house or cars.  No major damage was caused by that tree in the years it was in that state until we could cut it down.  In 2010, lightening struck our home while we were out.  A window air conditioner caught fire, but went out quickly.  The only casualties were our well pump & a few dings in the metal siding.

Our home also became very peaceful after praying. 

Shortly after I prayed over our house the first time, my best friend came by one day & commented about how peaceful & comfortable the house felt.  She is a devoted Christian & very in tune to her surroundings, so I wasn’t entirely surprised by this even though I hadn’t told her what I did.  What did surprise me was when my father came by a few weeks later & said almost word for word the same thing she said.  At that time, he wasn’t a Christian & lacked my friend’s in tune ways.  It was one of many times that I realized there is something pretty significant to praying over your home.

A few years later, after my mother died, I inherited my parents’ home.  My husband & I moved in, & before that, I prayed over their house as I did for our first house.  The difference was astounding!  This house that once was the scene of so much anger & pain became my favorite place to be.  Its atmosphere is cozy & comfortable now.  Talk about a huge change!

The atmosphere of a home can change.  I have noticed that if someone who loves me visits, the energy in my house remains comfortable.  It also feels much darker if someone who doesn’t like me is in my home.  The cozy, peaceful feeling isn’t so pronounced in those situations.  Praying over your home after someone like that leaves & changes that energy right back to a much more peaceful atmosphere.  If someone especially unpleasant has been in my home, I find it helpful too, to open the windows after they leave.  I don’t think of this as anything spiritually significant, but it helps me to feel that fresh air can come in to replace their negative energy. 

Whether your home is a small studio apartment or a 7,000 square foot mansion, I would like to encourage you to do as I have done, & pray over your home.  Just pray as you feel is right.  If you want to know what I did, I asked God to bless my home, all of our property, the land, us & anyone who comes into it, even if it’s a repairman who is only there for a few minutes.  I also pray this periodically as I think of it.  Doing this has worked very well for me, & I believe it can work just as well for you!

What Would Jesus Do?

Many of us remember the popular “What Would Jesus Do” movement of the 1990’s.  For a while, many people wore jewelry or clothing with “WWJD?” on it.  What most people don’t know is that this phrase originally came into existence about 100 years before.

The wonderful book “In His Steps” by author Charles Sheldon was written in the late 1890’s, & was the origin of the phrase.  It’s a fictional story, but an excellent & very realistic & believable one.  The story is based on what happens when a small town pastor challenges his congregation to do nothing without first asking themselves, “What would Jesus do?” for an entire year, then do what they believe Jesus would do in their situation.  Several members of the congregation pledge to do this.  A newspaper editor decides to skip printing the Sunday edition of his paper, another man working for the railroad discovers fraud & leaves his job, & other similar things take place.  People also begin to help each other, such as an heiress helps the newspaper since it began to struggle financially after ending the Sunday printings. 

If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it!  It’s so inspiring!  Or, if you prefer to see the movie, there is one called “WWJD?  What Would Jesus Do?” from 2010 that is a wonderful modernized adaptation!  In looking up the movie’s year, I also learned it has a sequel from 2014 called, “What Would Jesus Do?  WWJD The Journey Continues.”   And, there is a sequel to the book called, “Jesus Is Here”, also written by Charles Sheldon.

The reason I recommend this book & movie is because they are so inspiring!  I think any Christian would do themselves a big favor by reading the book or at least watching the movie.  Even knowing it’s a fictional story, it’s so realistic you easily can imagine these things happening in real life.  It’s impossible not to be inspired by that!

The characters also are very realistic & convicted in their faith.  You can’t help but to want to be more like them, living fearlessly as a great example of your faith.

Usually I don’t recommend books or movies much, but these are different.  Obviously I can’t say they’re as inspiring as the Bible is, but they are very inspiring nonetheless.  They help stir up my faith & that is something we all need sometimes.  I believe they could benefit others as they have me.  After a period of dealing with some pretty painful things, my faith was a bit stagnant recently.  Not that I lost faith in God, of course.  I think I was just mired down in the negativity of what I had faced.  Watching the WWJD movie helped stir my faith back up, & get me back on track.

Even if you aren’t interested in reading the book or watching the movie, I would like to encourage you today to do as the characters in the stories pledged to do.  Before making decisions, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” then do what you believe that He would do if He was in your position.  Asking yourself this question really causes you to think about things more seriously, & consider other people more as well.  It causes you to make wiser decisions that benefit yourself & to treat other people with love & respect.

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My publisher is offering 25% off all of my ebooks from December 15, 2022 – January 1, 2023. No coupon code is needed! Just shop & the sale price magically appears in your shopping cart.

My ebooks are available at the link below…

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/CynthiaBaileyRug

Having Lots Of Stuff Can Be Bad For Your Mental Health

As someone with C-PTSD who has suffered with anxiety my entire life, I have had to learn ways to manage the anxiety.  One way to do this I have found is to avoid having too much “stuff”.  Clutter adds to anxiety as does the pressure of having a lot of items that need care and maintenance.  This has caused me to seriously consider items I have, what to do with them & the best ways to declutter.  I want to share what I learned with you today.

I have learned the value of stuff thanks to moving many times in my adult life as well as being in charge of my late parents’ estates.  Some things are absolutely priceless to me, such as my Pfaltzgraff Tea Rose dishes given to me by my lovely grandmother in 1990.  They aren’t prized antiques worth thousands of dollars, but they’re very special to me anyway.  Other items are worthless, & have no real value or use to me.  Most items are somewhere in between.  Each time I have moved as well as when cleaning out my parents’ home, I had to decide the value of each item to help me decide if I should keep it or not. 

To help me decide what is worth keeping & what is not, I ask myself some questions about the items.  First, does this item serve me?  In other words, does it have a use for me?  If yes, then fine, it stays.  If not, is it in good condition?  Then it can be sold given away or donated to charity.  If it isn’t in good condition, then it needs to go in the trash. 

Second, I ask do I love this item?  Sentimental items often fit into this category.  If I love the item, even if it doesn’t serve a useful purpose, most likely it will stay.  That isn’t always possible though, so rather than keep it, I take a picture of it then sell, donate or give it away.

If I am unsure about an item, I consider this question: if I was to move tomorrow, would this item be worth the trouble of packing up, unpacking at the new place & finding a place to store it?  After moving many times, I have learned what a horrid chore moving is, so this question helps me to put items in perspective.

Another thing I have found helpful is to have a box available at all times for items that are to be donated to charity.  This simple act makes giving away decent items much easier since all you have to do is put them in the box, & when the box is full, drop it off at your favorite charity. 

While this information hardly sounds like my usual topics for helping your mental health, this information actually is helpful for your mental health!  The less stuff you have cluttering your home, the less stuff you have to worry about maintaining.  That is really important!  Too much stuff can all too easily clutter your mind & home.  It is much healthier & also freeing to have less stuff that has more value to you than lots of stuff.  This doesn’t mean you need to get rid of 99% of your possessions & live in a tiny house with virtually nothing.  It does mean that it is wise to exercise wisdom regarding your possessions.  Don’t hoard stuff just to have it.  Keep what serves you well & that you love, & get rid of the rest.  I think Matthew 6:19-21 in the Amplified Bible shares a great deal of wisdom on this topic: “Do not store up for yourselves [material] treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal; ²¹ for where your treasure is, there your heart [your wishes, your desires; that on which your life centers] will be also.”

When Tough Times Happen

Sometimes life is so hard.  It seems like things go wrong constantly & you are stressed, hurt or frustrated.  In those times, God seems far away.  Not only because of the problems you’re going through but also because it can be so easy to get caught up in them & forget to keep God first.  It is in those times that we need to stop behaving like the person Jesus described in Matthew 13:22 in the parable of the seeds sown in various types of soil.  That person is the one who is distracted from his relationship with God by the things of the world like personal problems.  Unfortunately no one is immune to behaving this way sometimes.

When you’re distracted by problems, it is vital to turn back to God as soon as you recognize what you are doing.  He deserves first place in your life after all!  Doing so also will help strengthen you & help you to figure out ways to handle your situation.  It may teach you some other things as well. God truly wants the best for His children, so He often uses circumstances to protect, teach & guide us.  Following are some examples of when He does these things.

Anything that isn’t Biblical, God will close the door to.  If you have to lie to get a new job for example, God will close that door so you don’t get the job or allow you to get it but you will be miserable with it.  It can be difficult & even painful in the moment, but truly it’s for the best!  You have learned not to behave that way, & He has something much better planned for you.  Seriously consider your situation.  If there is anything about it that goes contrary to God’s word, chances are it’s going wrong because God is trying to close that door to keep you away from that bad thing.

Sometimes God closes the door on relationships too.  Some people may look good on the surface, they may even be very good people, but they aren’t good for you.  God knows better than you what is in their hearts, so trust Him to lead you to people that are good for you.  It never hurts to ask God to give you good, healthy & Bible believing friends in your life.  If you’re looking for a romantic partner, this is an especially good prayer to pray.  Being a believer married to an unbeliever is not a good place to be!

Sometimes God uses difficult circumstances to teach us things.  We learn forgiveness when we are wronged by other people.  When we go through hard times, we learn mercy for others who go through similar hard times.  When someone tells us what we did hurt them, we learn humility.  None of these situations are fun at the time, but they do help us to learn some pretty valuable things.

There are also times God uses difficult circumstances to punish us.  Hebrews 12:6-7 in the Amplified Bible says, “For the Lord disciplines and corrects those whom He loves, And He punishes every son whom He receives and welcomes [to His heart].”  ⁷You must submit to [correction for the purpose of] discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?”  Obviously those times aren’t exactly pleasant, but they can be beneficial.  For example, your spouse tells you that they are upset about how disrespectfully your family treats them, but in spite of seeing evidence your spouse is correct, you ignore your family’s behavior or worse yet, make excuses for it.  Then you get a new coworker.  This person is very disrespectful to you.  They push you aside so they can deal with customers instead, or talk badly about you to other coworkers maybe even your boss.  You go to your boss with your concerns.  The boss tells you he doesn’t see this behavior as a problem or you have to let this go because this person has some sort of personal problems.  The way you feel in that situation mirrors much how your spouse feels.  God still loves you, but He is punishing you for treating your spouse badly.  Also, He uses this as a good learning experience.  Now that you know how your spouse feels, you are going to be more sensitive the next time they come to you with a complaint about your family’s disrespectful behavior.

The next time you are in a situation that is challenging or painful, I want to encourage you to try your best not to be so distracted by it that you ignore God.  Instead, turn to Him.  Ask what is going on, what is He trying to tell you & to help you get through it.  He absolutely will do answer your prayers!

How Surviving An Abusive Childhood Manifests In Relationships

When you come from an abusive childhood, that can create a lot of dysfunction in your life, but in particular in your relationships.  Today, I want to discuss some of the ways that dysfunction plays out.  Recognizing the dysfunctional behaviors may be painful at first, but it will help you by showing where you need healing.  That is valuable knowledge!

Many abused children struggle with having relationships with any genuine intimacy.  Even with those they are closest to, they aren’t comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings. desires & dreams.   They may listen to the innermost thoughts, feelings, desires & dreams of those they love, but they still won’t share their own.  They also may change the subject or deny any negative feelings they have if questioned because they are terrified of being this vulnerable with anyone.  This behavior comes from having a parent or two who ignored, mocked or rejected their emotional feelings.  When the most important person in your life who is supposed to love you unconditionally ignores, mocks or rejects something about you, it’s only natural to be afraid other people will do the same.  It takes time, prayer & good, loving, safe people in your life to overcome this behavior.  It also helps to remember that any parent who would do this to their own child clearly was the problem, not the child!

Many abused children have an intense fear of abandonment.  When a child grows up with parents whose behavior was inconsistent & unpredictable, they become afraid they would be abandoned at any moment.  They also assume other people are the same way as their parent.  This fear manifests as a person being clingy with the people in their life, even to the level of being co-dependent.  It also can manifest as being controlling of others with whom they are in a relationship.  My mother was like this.  Her parents divorced when she was very young, & her mother was a narcissist who kept her from her father.  I believe that left her with a deep fear of abandonment that manifested as being very controlling of my father & I.  Conquering this fear of abandonment isn’t easy but it is possible.  The more a person heals & becomes more functional, the healthier their self esteem becomes naturally.  As a result, a part of that is a person becomes more willing to end toxic relationships even if that means they are lonely for a season.  They also begin to attract healthier people who won’t hurt or abandon them, which helps to heal that fear of abandonment.

When parents show their children that their love is conditional, based on the child’s behavior & accomplishments, those children become people pleasers.  Children in this situation assume that unconditional love doesn’t exist, & to be loved, they must earn love.  It’s as if it doesn’t occur to them that the other person in the relationship should earn love though – only they must be the one to earn love.  Unlearning people pleasing behavior is TOUGH!  I’ve been there.  I did find that the more I healed, the less prone to it I was.  I’ve also found that slowing down & asking yourself why you are saying “yes” when you want to say no, or volunteering to do something you want no parts of to be helpful. 

Most abused children have dysfunctional relationships with abusers.  Friends, coworkers & even romantic interests often use & abuse these children until they reach a point in their lives where they start to focus on their own healing.  Possibly the most difficult part of breaking this pattern of behavior is to stop beating yourself up for getting involved with such toxic people, in particular, if you married one of them.  Just remember, you did the best you could with what you knew at that time.  If you didn’t know to do better, how could you expect yourself to do better?  That would make as much sense as expecting a toddler to know how to replace a car’s engine! 

If you find yourself in these situations I have described, it’s ok!  There is hope for you!  Focus on your healing, & the healthier you get, the healthier your relationships naturally will get as well.  I have found God to be vital to my healing.  Psalm 23:4 says that God walks with us through “the valley of the shadow of death” & I firmly believe that to be true!  He will be there for you during the hard, painful times of healing as He was with me. You’re not alone.  Lean on Him & let Him help you to heal!

Biblical Meekness Not Necessarily What You Think

Most people are well aware of Matthew 5:5 where Jesus states that the meek are blessed because they will inherit the earth. How many people know what it means to be truly meek though?

Most people hear the word meek & think of someone who is timid, mousy & always extremely submissive. This is actually a more accurate definition of the word “weak” than “meek.” As the saying goes, “don’t mistake my meekness for weakness.”

The original meaning for the word meek in Greek was a description of war horses, believe it or not. War horses were supposed to be extremely powerful yet also very willing to submit to those in authority over them. This is power that is kept in check.

In people, true meekness manifests in a person well aware of the power that they have as children of God, but they choose to submit to Him, doing His will for their life. 1 Corinthians 10:23 in the Amplified translation sums up the way this person thinks quite well: “All things are lawful [that is, morally legitimate, permissible], but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life].” The truly meek are also far from cowardly, trusting in God completely even when in their darkest hours.

Jesus was a perfect example of living with meekness while He was on the earth. He obviously possessed great power as evidenced by so many miracles He performed, yet in spite of His position & power, He never used it improperly. He lived His life submitted to God, willing to do anything He was asked to do, even to the point of death on the cross. And, when He knew the cross was going to happen soon, in spite of His fear & desire not to do it, He trusted God either to prevent it from happening or enabling Him to face it.

At the same time, Jesus was no pushover. Matthew 21:12 tells the story of Jesus driving out the moneychangers from the temple, & the Amplified translation says He drove them out “with force.” He also had no problems calling out people on their bad behavior, even the highly esteemed scribes & Pharisees. He called them hypocrites many times, & even called them “white washed tombs full of dead men’s bones” because although they appeared Godly, their hearts were full of things that went against God.

Christians are supposed to imitate Jesus in their behavior, & that includes being meek. If you aren’t sure exactly what this means to you, I would like to offer you some food for thought today.

Being meek means standing up for what is right in the right way. This doesn’t have to mean a big production. It means living a life of integrity, doing is right & what needs to be done. It also simply can mean saying, “This is wrong.” That sort of statement said to someone suffering at the hands of another can be life changing.

Being meek means being gentle in interacting with other people. It means you don’t have to be heard while quieting others, & allowing others to speak to you without fear of your judgment or criticism.

Being meek means accepting your limitations. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to improve yourself, of course. It means that you know you can’t do everything, & that is OK.

Being meek means realizing you don’t know everything, & admitting that rather than pretending to know everything. People respect those who are genuine. Even if they may be frustrated you don’t have the answer they’re looking for, they will respect you more for admitting than they would if you pretended to know.

Meekness is a truly undervalued attribute. Why not be someone who helps bring this admirable quality into the lives of those you love, & be a good example of meekness?

I’d Love Your Thoughts On A New Idea I Have

I’ve been toying with the idea of creating some digital ebook type courses, maybe printables. Nothing overly expensive of course. I always try to minimize costs of everything I write & these would be no exception to that. (Kinda weird to do, by the way.. I want costs to be cheap but not so cheap people see them & think “This can’t be any good.. it’s too cheap!” lol)

I need your thoughts on this idea.

First of all, is this something you would be interested in? I know written type courses aren’t as popular as audio or video, so I wonder if this would be appealing.

Second, if you like the idea, got any ideas on topic matter? I have a few but still would love to hear your thoughts to see if I’m on the right page (so to speak) with my readers.

If you’d like to answer my questions, feel free to comment or email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com

Thank you for your help, everyone!! I love & appreciate you! 😘❤️

You Are Not Responsible For How People Feel About You

As the adult child of a narcissist, I can’t count how many times I have felt overly responsible for other people in so many ways.  One of those ways was how people feel about me.

If I met someone who didn’t like me, I felt it was my responsibility to change so they could like me.  If someone felt envious of something about me, I had to downplay that thing they viewed that way.  If they felt I was a snob, I had to prove to them that isn’t the case, & I am just quiet.  If they thought something was wrong with me because I love my cats & old cars, that too had to be trivialized around them to make them feel better about me.  And honestly, it got old.

As I healed more & learned more about people, not only narcissists, I realized something.  How someone feels about me isn’t my responsibility.

People are often quick to judge others they have just met.  I do it myself.  Upon first meeting someone new, I pick up on someone’s energy & the subtle cues they display quickly & that determines if I am willing to speak to them more or not.  Unfortunately mistakes can be made with snap judgments.  As I mentioned earlier, people have thought I’m a snob because I’m quiet.  My one sister in-law told my husband this many years ago, & she was far from the first one to make such a foolish assumption about me.  And interestingly, she also wasn’t the only one who behaved in the manner in which she accused me of behaving. 

When people make judgments about other people, often they can do as my sister in-law did, & project their flaws onto another person.  Narcissists haven’t cornered the market on projection, although they definitely do it more often than the general public.  The average person will do it too sometimes, & their projection makes them feel negatively about the victim of their projection.

Insecurity is also a reason people may feel negatively towards a person.  Their insecurity makes them feel threatened or badly about themselves.  If you are someone in a minimum wage job who dropped out of high school, for example, imagine how you would feel around a biochemist.  Clearly they make a lot more money than you & have a much more advanced education.  You easily could feel inferior.  Most people would be uncomfortable in this situation but wouldn’t act out on their feelings.  Some insecure people however, wouldn’t hesitate to let the biochemist know they dislike him or her, are unimpressed with their intelligence, etc.

Along the lines of insecurity is envy.  Envy can make a person feel badly about themselves, & wish to make the person who made them envious feel just as badly.  Women in particular are known for doing this.  Some women see another woman that they believe is much prettier than them, & they will talk negatively about her behind her back.  Their envy makes them behave badly.

No matter what someone’s reasoning for their negative perceptions of you, their perceptions are just that – theirs!  They chose to see you a certain way & not learn the truth.  A person who is unwilling to learn the truth about another clearly has issues, & those issues have nothing to do with you.  So the next time you find out someone thinks badly about you, just remember that you are NOT responsible for how other people feel about you.

15% Off My Print Books Until October 7, 2022

My publisher is having yet another sale! 15% off all print books when you use code PUMPKIN15 at checkout.

My print books can be found at the following link:

https://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cynthiabaileyrug

Doing Another New Thing

Recently as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to get into doing podcasts. I just decided to add them to Instagram. They are the same as my podcasts on YouTube- a picture of my logo with a podcast audio attached, just on a different platform. Lots of people like Instagram, so I figured it’s a good outlet for them.

Not sure what else, if anything I’ll do with Instagram. I may add the memes about NPD I’ve made & any future ones I make. I don’t know just yet. God will show me what to do though, of that I have no doubt.

If you’re on Instagram, & want to check them out, then follow the link below. I only have uploaded 1 so far, but hubby is on vacation so I simply haven’t had the time yet to do more. I will after he goes back to work.

https://www.instagram.com/cynthia_bailey_rug/

When People Refuse To Acknowledge Your Growth

One common thing that many victims of narcissistic abuse struggle with is how so many people treat them as if they are forever the same person they were during the height of their time as victims of the narcissist in their life.  It can be incredibly frustrating!!  I understand this as I went through it too.  I felt like during my entire adult life, my family & in particular my mother though I never grew up.  It was as if they thought I was perpetually 15 years old, no matter my real age. 

For years, I wondered why this is.  I think I have the answer to this dilemma.  Not just in my situation, but in general.

Obviously narcissists aren’t the only dysfunctional people in the world.  Their flying monkeys & scouts are at least as dysfunctional if not more so.  As a result, they don’t face reality the way healthy people do.  Instead, they try to keep reality as they want it to be.  A part of their so called reality is keeping certain people in a box. 

Doing this means that these people can convince themselves that they are truly the smart, sane, functional people who have their lives all together.  Clearly that must be the case, they think, because just look at how amazing they are compared to that person that they have decided is so weak, stupid, dysfunctional, mean, selfish, horrible, etc.  If they can convince themselves that their person of choice is terrible, by default, they also convince themselves that they are pretty spectacular by comparison.  By pushing another person down, they build themselves up at the same time.

Another reason dysfunctional people try to keep certain people down is so they have power over that person.  While not all dysfunctional people are narcissists, they do want things a certain way in their lives.  If they have control over someone, that can help them to maintain their status quo.  They can push this person around until that person does whatever they want so they can convince themselves that nothing has changed.  This comes in especially handy if their victim has been learning, growing & healing.  Clearly such things threaten the delusions of someone who wants to remain dysfunctional.  If a person like this can be subdued enough to reject their new growth, learning & healing, they will return to the old, dysfunctional patterns & that will help the dysfunctional person maintain their comfort level.  People who are comfortable in their dysfunction have zero desire to move past that place, & they have plenty of desire to return formerly dysfunctional people to their previous unhealthy lifestyle.

Another motivation for such toxic people being able to control others is the high that having that power over others provides.  Whether the person in question is a narcissist or not, chances are they will enjoy feeling that they are powerful enough to control another person

If you are in the position of dealing with someone who wants to keep you as the dysfunctional person you once were, know that you are NOT alone, & this is a typical problem for many victims of narcissistic abuse.

Naturally, the best thing you can do when faced with this situation is to pray.  Ask God to keep you from sliding back into old, toxic habits & to be aware of why people are treating you as they are so you don’t do that.  Praying for those dysfunctional people as well certainly is an excellent idea!  They clearly need prayer, whether or not they realize it.

Also remember, their behavior is absolutely no reflection on you.  It is a reflection on them.  They are comfortable in their dysfunction.  That is their right, of course.  However, you have rights, too & one of those rights is to protect yourself from toxic people.  Keep your distance from such people.  You may need to sever ties with them, & there is nothing wrong with doing that no matter who those people are!  Protect your mental health however is best for you!

What Makes A Good Person Truly Good

So many people think that being a good person means that someone is very caring, willing to do anything for anyone, sacrifice anything & everything of themselves to others which includes those who treat them badly, & someone who never says or thinks anything negatively of other people.

The truth is that this isn’t the definition of a good person.  This is the definition of a doormat.  A person like this is going to be used & abused.  Naturally this will make many people who try to be good people think being a good person is a waste of time & sets them up for being mistreated.  They naturally prefer not to be so called “good people” over being treated so badly, & who can blame them?

Let’s consider what it’s like to be a good person rather than a doormat that people claim is a good person.

A good person is realistic.  If someone mistreats people, is arrogant, entitled or deliberately hurts other people, a good person recognizes these things & treats that person accordingly, even if that means eliminating that person from their life.

A good person also has standards.  They don’t tolerate just anything.  They give their best to others in every area of their lives, & they expect others to do the same thing.

A good person has boundaries.  They will respect your space, wants & needs, & act accordingly. They also expect you to return the favor to them.  If you cross certain boundaries with them, they won’t hesitate to call you out on it in a respectful way.  They also will care for you & watch out for you but they also have no problem saying no when they believe it is best to do so.

A good person shows respect to everyone, but also expects others to respect them in return.  This isn’t because they demand people respect them, but because they are aware that they are worthy of respect.

A good person is patient.  This doesn’t mean that they are weak nor are they willing to tolerate others using them.

A good person is very compassionate, but is not naive.  They will be very kind & gentle with a person, but if they realize that person is trying to use or abuse them, they won’t tolerate it.

A good person always will encourage you & build you up.  That doesn’t mean that they will tolerate you trying to tear them down as a way to build yourself up, however.

A good person will tell a person what they need to hear, even when it’s not necessarily what they want to hear because showing others God’s love is more important to them than building up their ego.

In short, being a good person isn’t what many people assume it is.  A good person can be truly good without being willing to tolerate nonsense or abuse.

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

While most people have a desire to please other people naturally, no one is born a dysfunctional people pleaser.  Crossing into being dysfunctional means that pleasing other people reins supreme in your life, even above pleasing yourself & taking care of yourself.  It results in toxic relationships with abusive people who take advantage of you.  It also can cause many problems in your own life.  Your finances, mental & physical health can be severely damaged or destroyed by being a people pleaser.  Clearly, the life of a people pleaser isn’t a good life in any way!  Breaking free from people pleasing ways isn’t easy but it is possible, & that is what I hope you will learn from this post today.

To start with healing from any dysfunctional behavior, I firmly believe it’s best to heal the dysfunctional thoughts & beliefs that started you on this road.  Doing so will change your behavior naturally as you heal.

Learning how to be a people pleaser often starts early with children whose parents were narcissistic.  These parents don’t have normal expectations for their children, such as wanting them to learn, grow & one day become independent adults.  Instead, they teach their children some very dysfunctional & toxic things, & those children need to unlearn these things.

One thing they teach their children is that their love is conditional.  They are only worthy of love if they please their narcissistic parent in some way.  This belief ends up transferring to other people as well, & these children try hard to earn the love of people in their lives by doing anything they want them to do.  Children who grew up with parents like this need to learn that no matter what they do or don’t do, they deserve to be loved.  And, anyone who insists they do things to earn their love truly doesn’t love them.  Someone who genuinely loves won’t demand anyone earn their love

Another toxic lesson people pleasers learned early is that they only deserve attention when they are accomplishing something that pleases their narcissistic parent.  If these children aren’t doing something that pleases their narcissistic parent at all times, they believe they are unworthy of attention.  The truth however is that is completely wrong!  No one should feel they have to fade into the background just because at a certain moment they aren’t doing something.  Your actions & behaviors alone don’t make you worthy of attention from anyone.

Narcissistic parents teach their children that they are only worthy of praise & kind words when doing as they are told to do.  The more a child ignores their own wants, needs & feelings & focuses on doing whatever their parent wants, the greater chance they will be shown some kindness.  Since that kindness is so rare, children in this situation focus more on their parents & less on themselves.  This is so unhealthy!  Everyone needs to have balance between doing for themselves & other people.  Contrary to what these children learn, it is NOT selfish or wrong to take care of themselves & do things they want to do sometimes.

These sick, twisted beliefs need to be rejected & healthier ones need to take their place.  When you’re in a position of people pleasing, ask yourself why you feel you need to do what you feel you need to.  Is it because you genuinely want to do this for someone or do you feel obligated to?  Are you trying to earn favor with this person?  Answer yourself honestly!  If you are unsure, then pray.  Ask God to show you what your true motives are & to help you get healthier.  He will be glad to if you just ask.

My New Shop On Facebook Is Open!

I have just created a shop on Facebook! Most of my books are currently available for purchase in there, & soon all will be. I opened it to make a central location where all of my books can be purchased, & is easy to find. Each link on the books takes you to a universal link, showing you all places where it is available for purchase.

My shop is connected to my business page, The Butterfly Project, which is why my name doesn’t appear on the shop, just FYI.

I hope you like the shop! Come check it out at the link below:

https://www.facebook.com/TheButterflyProjectMD/shop/?referral_code=page_shop_tab&preview=1

You Matter!

Since my readers & followers consist primarily of people who have survived narcissistic abuse as I have, I naturally try to provide information to help either in dealing with narcissists, going no contact or healing from narcissistic abuse.  Simple encouragement, however, doesn’t happen all that often, & that is wrong on my part.  Everyone needs encouragement sometimes, & that is what I want to do today.

Victims of narcissistic abuse usually don’t realize their true worth & value.  How could they when narcissists do their level best to make sure their victims’ self esteem is utterly destroyed?  When a narcissist reminds you constantly about all of your faults, even ones you really don’t have, maintaining any sense of self esteem is nearly impossible.  So today, I just want you to know that no matter what a narcissist has told you, you matter.

You may think God made mistakes when He made you, but He certainly didn’t!  He made you as He did for valid reasons!  Ephesians 2:10 in the Good News Bible says, “God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do.”  And, Psalm 139:16 says, “you saw me before I was born.  The days allotted to me. had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.”  Clearly, God knew what He was doing when He made you, so obviously you mean so much to Him.

You may think no one would notice if you just disappeared from the lives of the people you love, but that isn’t true.  They would miss you & be devastated if you were no longer a part of their lives.  You fill a special place in their lives that no one else but you ever could fill.  You matter a great deal to them.

You may think the man or woman you love needs you to be low maintenance, to avoid “bothering” this person with your needs, wants or feelings, but that isn’t true.  Someone who truly loves you wants to know all about your needs, wants & feelings.  And, believe it or not, they will be happy to do things for you.  This person is with you because they don’t love anyone like they love you, & they want to share their life with you.  You matter so much to this person.

If you have children, you are of the utmost importance to them.  Children love their parents automatically.  I’m sure you have made mistakes raising your children & think that makes you an awful parent, but you’re wrong.  All parents make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with that so long as you apologize & make things right to the best of your ability.  You taking care of your children, showing them love & protecting them makes you a wonderful parent, & you children love you.  You matter more to them than you realize.

If you have pets, I can promise that you matter a great deal to your pets too.  Animals may offer unconditional love, but even so, they aren’t happy with people who dislike them or mistreat them.  If your pet greets you when you come home, snuggles up to you while you watch tv or sleep, or just generally wants to be in your space, those are just some of the signs that say you matter a great deal to your baby.

Today, just remember that no matter what any terrible, cruel narcissist has said, you matter.  You matter much more than you know to those people in your life.  You aren’t whatever the narcissist told you that you were.  They only said such things as a way to hurt you.  In fact, what narcissists criticize most is what they are the most envious of in their victims.  They criticize those things to make their victims feel those special things about them aren’t really special, not because they mean what they are saying.  They know they are lying, even though they won’t admit it.  Just remember that, & give their lies no credibility. 

Starting today, please start reminding yourself often that you matter, because you truly do matter!  And while you’re at it, ask God to show you that you matter.  He will be more than happy to do so!

My Podcasts

As I mentioned some time back, I decided to give up making videos & just go with podcasts. I have added them to a bunch of different podcast sites, so I thought I would share them here for those of you who are a fan of podcasts. I hope you decide to check them out sometime! If your favorite podcast site isn’t on this list, then please let me know. I’ll try to add it.

Amazon Music:

https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/636257ca-b20e-4c80-b0c4-76c6da81d4b6/cynthia-bailey-rug

Anchor By Spotify:

Apple Podcasts:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cynthia-bailey-rug/id1632080095

Castbox:

https://castbox.fm/channel/id3103069?utm_source=podcaster&utm_medium=dlink&utm_campaign=c_3103069&utm_content=Cynthia%20Bailey-Rug-CastBox_FM

Google Podcasts:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy8yNWViYmY5OC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw==

iheartradio:

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1519449931/cynthia-bailey-rug

Player fm:

https://player.fm/series/cynthia-bailey-rug

Pocketcasts:

https://pca.st/3qvsb30s

Podbean:

https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/32zdh-12d533/Cynthia-Bailey-Rug-Podcast

RadioPublic:

Soundcloud:

Spotify:

Stitcher:

https://www.stitcher.com/show/cynthia-baileyrug

Tune In:

https://tunein.com/podcasts/Religion–Spirituality-Podcas/Cynthia-Bailey-Rug-p1728318/

Habits Of People With Anxiety

Living with anxiety is so incredibly difficult for many reasons.  Following are some of those reasons that most of us don’t usually think about.

Feeling relaxed makes anxiety worse.  When you are accustomed to living in a state of hyper-vigilance, feeling relaxed is very abnormal.  It can make you feel so abnormal that you immediately return to your anxious state.  If at all possible when this happens, remind yourself that there is no reason to be anxious at this time.  Take a few deep breaths & focus on how they make your body feel.  This calms the mind & body.  If you can, enjoy feeling relaxed as much as you possibly can.

External validation is of the utmost importance.  Everyone needs validation.  That’s simply how God made people.  Anxious people crave it like oxygen, because we don’t trust our decisions & have such an incredible amount of self doubt.  However people, being imperfect beings, will fail to give you all of the validation that you need.  Learning to validate yourself is so important!  Doing so requires a great deal of leaning on God & questioning yourself to decide if your beliefs are truly yours or those of some dysfunctional, abusive person. 

You are an expert at hiding your anxiety.  People with anxiety know how awkward & uncomfortable we can make other people feel.  Rather than do that, we learn to hide our anxiety to the best of our ability.  Some of us become so skilled at this, others have no idea we live with anxiety.  This isn’t always a bad thing, since some situations are made worse when someone recognizes another’s anxiety.  There are also times when it will behoove you to let someone safe know that you are struggling & ask them for help.

Along those same lines, we also hide our emotions.  Hiding emotions seems to be a natural side bar of hiding anxiety.  People may think we are naturally happy or even confident.  They see what we portray ourselves as, not the bundle of negative emotions that we truly are inside.  Similar to hiding anxiety, this can be beneficial in some situations but there also is nothing wrong with showing them to safe people & asking for help if needed.

Overthinking is normal to people with anxiety.  Overthinking can be beneficial.  When you’re packing for a trip, it helps to pack if you consider every possible scenario in that trip.  You’ll think of bringing things with you that you might not have considered otherwise.  But, overthinking in day to day life?  Not always so beneficial.  It only adds to anxiety that is already there.  When it happens, if at all possible, it’s best to take a little time to yourself.  Breathe slowly & deeply in & out a few times.  This slows down the mind & heart rate, which allows you to think more logically about the situation.  Often, it shows you that what you’re overthinking doesn’t require nearly so much thought.  Or it helps you to get a grasp on the fact that something is completely beyond your control, so there is no point in worrying about it.

Lastly, some folks with anxiety depend on certain inanimate objects to feel comforted & safe.  Remember as a child how you felt safest when you had that special teddy bear, blanket or baby doll?  That happen in adulthood now too, except now, it’s ear buds, cell phone, purse, wallet or something else.  I don’t know why this is exactly, because logically you know they won’t protect you.  Yet somehow, leaving home without this security item can lead to downright panic.  I barely even use my cell phone but if I leave home without it, I feel absolutely lost. 

If you exhibit any of these behaviors, know you’re not alone & you’re not crazy!  You simply are showing signs of having anxiety.  Work on them as you feel able to & pray for God’s help in healing.  They can improve in time!  I promise!

Showing Your Emotions

It seems to me that many people consider people who are free with showing their emotions weak, “drama queens or kings” or even crazy.  Not showing emotions is often looked on as a sign of strength.  I really disagree with this thinking.  There really is nothing wrong or bad about showing what you feel inside.

Years ago, I remember my mother telling me about her mail carrier.  She hadn’t seen her for a while, then finally saw her one day.  She asked how she was doing & where she had been.  Turned out the lady’s husband committed suicide.  My mother thought her composure in discussing this topic was admirable.  I disagreed!  This lady could have been in a state of shock & was unable to show emotions due to that.  But, she also could have been glad he was gone & didn’t miss him.  Her lack of emotions gave no clue which was how she was feeling about her loss.

Showing emotions is a healthy thing to do.  It helps you to process them in healthy ways.  Did you know many people who don’t process anger often end up with health problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease & digestive issues?  They also can suffer from depression since sometimes repressed anger manifests as depression.

Showing emotions also helps people to know where they stand with you.  If you weren’t obviously happy that your spouse brought you your favorite coffee as a surprise sometimes, how would he or she know how much you appreciated it?  Or, if you held in disappointment, how would your child know that he or she needed to work harder to get better grades?

The Bible even describes times when Jesus showed His emotions.  When Lazarus died, Jesus knew He would raise him from the dead, but even so, He was emotional & let that show.  John 11: 32-35 says,  “³² When Mary came [to the place] where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” ³³ When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was deeply moved in spirit [to the point of anger at the sorrow caused by death] and was troubled, ³⁴ and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said, “Lord, come and see.” ³⁵ Jesus wept.”  The Gospels also tell the story of Jesus becoming enraged when He saw people buying & selling in the temple.  He drove animals & people out & flipped over tables.  Hardly the actions of someone afraid of showing their emotions.

Showing emotions is truly a courageous thing to do.  It shows you aren’t afraid of the opinions or judgment of other people.  It shows you are brave enough to be vulnerable.  It shows you are in touch with your emotions, which is a very healthy way to be.

What is not courageous is hiding all emotions behind a mask of stoicism.  This often is a trauma response created by those who have been exposed to cruel people who criticize them for how they feel & invalidate their feelings.  If this describes you, please know that you don’t need to be that way anymore.  You are an adult & allowed to feel your feelings & yes, even show them!  That doesn’t make you oversensitive, overreacting, stupid or even crazy.  It makes you human. 

If you’re struggling to get in touch with your emotions, I suggest praying, paying attention to how you feel about everything & journaling about your experiences.  Read over your journal entries periodically too, don’t simply write them & forget them.  They can help you to have insight. 

Getting Back Your Zest For Life After Narcissistic Abuse

Like so many other victims of narcissistic abuse, I spent most of my life trying to be less me to please other people.  I think of it like I was trying to shrink myself to please other people.  I became less opinionated.  I turned away from things that I liked that they didn’t approve of in favor of things they thought I should.  I tried changing my appearance too, dressing differently, coloring my hair & losing weight. 

Eventually I realized just how ridiculous this was.  Changing to please people who demand you change never works.  The one demanding the changes is never pleased, & the one doing the changing is miserable because they aren’t being true to themselves.  I could see no good reason to continue this behavior, so I stopped it.  I figured let people be mad at me for it.  They would be anyway!  This was a good decision of course, but it also was only half the battle for me.  I knew who I wasn’t, but I didn’t know who I was.

Over the years I did get to know myself, but still something was lacking.  I wasn’t sure what that something was.  It finally hit me.  I lost my passion, my zest for life.  I certainly can’t be the only person in this position, so I thought sharing what I have learned would be a good idea.

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it can be overwhelming to realize just how much damage has been done to you.  Healing is absolutely possible, but it takes a lot of work & time.  Often, I think it’s a life long process.  It can be easy to get caught up in healing work & not even notice you haven’t got that zest for life you once had.  Or maybe you never had it.  Either way, this should change.  You deserve to enjoy life!

As vital as healing is, it’s also a lot of work!  You need to take time frequent breaks.  They are good for your mental health.  Thinking too much about such intense topics can wear you down, & that is never good.  Take times where you flatly refuse to think about the abuse or focus on your healing.  Instead, do things you enjoy. 

Remember times in your life when you had that zest for life.  Think about them in as much detail as you can.  What were you doing?  What was so enjoyable about the situation?  How exactly did you feel?  Meditate on those times.  Remind yourself that this was you!  You were capable of being that person before, so you can be like that again. 

Consider things that ignite your zest for life & indulge in them often.  If it’s reading a certain genre of books, read all you can find.  If it’s a certain type of music, listen to it often & dance around your home.  If it’s supporting a certain cause, give your best to supporting it in every way you can.

Get creative.  I believe creative outlets to be absolutely vital to enjoying life.  Whatever you enjoy doing, make time to do it often.  I have learned if I don’t set aside time in the evenings to knit, crochet or cross stitch, it doesn’t take long before I become anxious & irritable.  Participating in these creative hobbies I love helps me to enjoy life more while helping my mental health.

The most helpful thing I have found though is the value of maintaining a close relationship to God.  Psalm 16:11 says that in His presence is fullness of joy, & this is so true!  Pray often & remember, God isn’t just God but your father as well.  You can talk to Him familiarly.  I know when your earthly father isn’t good it can be hard to relate to God in this way but it is possible.  Ask Him to help you & remember, He is nothing like your earthly father at all.  He is so much better!