Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

The Importance Of Empathy In Times Of Need

A few years ago, my friend posted on Facebook that he was in the emergency room.  As soon as he posted, several of his friends replied with their own horror stories of having the same issue.  Others commented with, “cheer up…  it could be worse” type comments.  Not one person offered to visit him, help him when he recovered, or even said they hoped he felt better soon besides me.  I realized how commonplace this type of behavior is & just how wrong it is.  Romans 12:15 in the Amplified Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], & weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief]”.  People need this in their lives, not selfish & thoughtless behavior.

Empathy is the ability to understand & share the feelings of another person.  It is the foundation of healthy relationships, & it is essential for all humans to cultivate empathy in their daily lives.  Empathy means that we are willing to put ourselves in another person’s shoes & understand their experiences, feelings, & needs.  It is about being present & supportive without judgment or criticism.

Empathy is not the same as sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, while empathy is feeling with someone.  Sympathy can be condescending, while empathy is respectful & compassionate.  Empathy requires that we open ourselves up to the emotions of others & seek to understand them fully.

Empathy helps us connect with others on a deeper level.  When we empathize with someone, we build trust, respect, & understanding.  It also helps us to be more patient & tolerant with others, even when we disagree with them.

As Christians, empathy is a huge part of our faith.  We are called to love one another as ourselves, & empathy is an essential part of that love.  Jesus himself modeled empathy when he wept with Mary & Martha over the death of their brother, Lazarus in John 11:35.  He also showed empathy when He healed the sick, fed the hungry, & forgave sinners.

Empathy also helps us to be more Christ-like.  When we empathize with others, we are following the example of compassion & love Jesus gave us during His time on Earth.  It helps us to live out our faith in practical ways, such as visiting the sick, caring for the poor, & comforting those who are grieving.

Also, empathy helps us to build relationships with people who are different from us.  It helps us to see beyond our own biases & prejudices, & to understand the experiences & perspectives of others.  This is essential for building a diverse & inclusive community that reflects the love of God.

If you feel you need to improve in the empathy department, don’t worry!  Empathy can be developed over time by following the simple steps below. 

Listen actively:  This means paying attention to what they are saying, asking questions, & clarifying your understanding.  It shows that you value them & their experiences.

Practice perspective-taking:  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes & try to see things from their perspective. 

Avoid judgment:   This means avoiding criticism, blame, or condemnation.  You can disapprove of the behavior while still treating the person with love & respect.

Show compassion:  Be kind, caring, & supportive.  Show people that you care about their well-being & that you are there for them when they need you.

By cultivating empathy in our daily lives, we can live out our faith in practical ways & reflect the love of God to those around us.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Never Let Someone Dysfunctional Or Abusive Determine Your Reality

For years, I had let other people’s words & actions determine my reality, including dysfunctional & abusive people who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.  I realized that I needed to take control of my own reality & not let others dictate how I saw myself or the world around me.

Dysfunctional people come in all shapes & sizes.  They can be abusive partners, toxic family members, or even just negative friends.  Regardless of their role in our lives, they all have one thing in common: their reality is often skewed.  They see the world through a lens of dysfunction, & this can have a profound impact on those around them.

For example, an abusive partner may constantly put their partner down, telling them that they are worthless & unlovable.  This can cause the victim to internalize these messages & start to believe them.  They may start to see themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, & unworthy of love.  This is what I experienced during my first marriage.

Similarly, a toxic family member may constantly create drama & chaos.  They may manipulate situations & people in order to get what they want, causing those around them to question their own perceptions of what is right & wrong.

It can be incredibly difficult to break free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives.  However, it is crucial that we take steps to do so in order to protect our mental health & well-being.  Following are some tips for taking control of your own reality.

Pray.  Ask God to give you wisdom & discernment.  This is very simple but also tremendously helpful.

Set Boundaries. One of the most important things you can do is set boundaries with dysfunctional people.  This means letting them know what behaviors are not acceptable & giving them consequences if they continue to engage in those behaviors. 

Seek Support.  Surround yourself with people who are genuine & supportive.  This can include friends, family members, or even a therapist.  Having a healthy support system can help you see reality more clearly & provide you with the strength & courage you need to break free from dysfunctional relationships.

Practice Self-Care. Taking care of yourself is crucial, but especially so when dealing with dysfunctional people.  It can be easy to get caught up in their drama & forget about your own needs.  Make sure to prioritize self-care activities that you enjoy.

Breaking free from the hold that dysfunctional people have on our lives can be a difficult process.  However, it is worth it in order to live a life that is true to ourselves. 

Be patient with yourself.  Healing takes time, & it is important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.  Celebrate even the smallest victories & don’t be too hard on yourself when things are difficult.  Also remember there will be times you make mistakes as you heal.  Remind yourself that is normal for any type of healing so don’t beat yourself up over it.  Learn from your mistakes & move on,

Finally, know that you deserve to live a life that is healthy & true.  Never let someone dysfunctional determine your reality.  You have the power to take control of your own life, so do it!

Why There Need To Be Limits On Helping Other People

As Christians, we are called to help others in need.  Galatians 6:2 in the Good News Translation reminds to “Help carry one another’s burdens, & in this way, you will obey the law of Christ.”  This is a beautiful sentiment & one that is echoed throughout the Bible.  Helping others is essential to living a fulfilling & compassionate life.  But there is a balance that needs to be in place.  We must also remember that there are limits to how much we can help others, & we must be mindful of those limits to ensure that we are not enabling unhealthy behavior. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to help carry one another’s burdens, as I just mentioned, but what exactly does that mean?  A burden is something heavy & difficult to carry, like a steamer trunk.  It’s something that someone cannot manage on their own, & they need help to carry it.  Moving on to verse 5, we are told, “For each of you have to carry your own load.”  A load is something more manageable than a burden, like a backpack.  It’s something that we can handle on our own without assistance. 

When we help someone with their burdens, we are providing necessary support that they cannot manage on their own.  This is a beautiful act of kindness & compassion.  However, when we constantly step in & help people with their loads, we are doing them a great disservice.  We are teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for their lives & that they can rely on others to do the hard work for them.  This can lead to a cycle of dependency that is unhealthy for both parties involved.

It’s absolutely essential to understand the difference between burdens & loads, & to be mindful of how much we help others with each.  We must be willing to step in & help when someone genuinely needs it, but we must also encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.  To carry their own loads, in other words.

Enabling is when we do things for others that they can & should do for themselves.  Enabling can take many forms, such as constantly lending money to a friend who never pays it back or doing your child’s homework for them.  Enabling behaviors can be harmful to both parties involved.  The person doing the enabling can become resentful & exhausted, while the person being enabled can become dependent & unable to take responsibility for their own lives.

Enabling often starts with good intentions.  We want to help someone we care about, & think that by doing things for them, we are showing love & support.  Over time, enabling can lead to a dysfunctional cycle of dependence that is difficult to break.  The person being enabled may start to rely on the enabler for more & more, & they may not learn the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Therefore, it’s vital to be mindful of enabling behaviors & to set healthy boundaries.  We must be willing to say no when someone asks us to do something that they can & should do for themselves, & encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when it comes to helping others.  We must be willing to set limits on how much we can help & what kind of help we are willing to provide.  We must also be willing to communicate those boundaries clearly with our loved ones.  This can be difficult, as it may feel like we are letting them down or not being supportive enough, but in reality, healthy boundaries are key to maintaining healthy relationships.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are teaching our loved ones that we care about them enough to be honest with them.  We are also teaching them to take responsibility for their own lives & to respect our limits.  This can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect & trust.

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do.  As Christians, we are called to help those in need & to carry each other’s burdens.  The Bible shows that there also need to be limits on how much we help, & we must be mindful of those limits.  By understanding the difference between burdens & loads, recognizing the dangers of enabling, & maintaining healthy boundaries, we can help others in a way that promotes independence, responsibility, & mutual respect.

Sometimes Its Ok To Apologize For Someone Who Refuses To Apologize

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for someone who refuses to apologize? Perhaps you witnessed someone being treated unfairly or rudely, & you felt compelled to apologize on behalf of the offender.  This can be a difficult situation to navigate, especially when the person in question is a friend, family member, or romantic partner.  However, I believe that sometimes it’s ok to apologize for someone who refuses to apologize.

Let me give you an example.  I remember running into an old friend of my ex-husband’s from high school a few years after graduation.  He said he’d seen my ex recently & said hi, but the ex ignored him.  I apologized.  This wasn’t my responsibility, it was my ex’s, but I knew he wouldn’t as he wasn’t the type to apologize.  I also thought this guy deserved an apology, so I apologized for my ex.  This guy was very nice, & I felt bad someone he once considered a friend treated him so badly for no reason.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to apologize in situations like this.  It’s just the polite thing & can make a person feel better. 

Apologizing, whether on your own behalf or on behalf of another person, can have a powerful impact on relationships.  Apologies can help to repair hurt feelings, build trust, & restore damaged relationships.  When someone apologizes, it shows that they are willing to take responsibility for their actions & make amends for any harm they have caused.  It also demonstrates that they value the relationship & are willing to put in the effort to make things right.

When you apologize on behalf of someone else, it can have a similar effect.  It shows that you care about the person who was wronged & that you are willing to step in & take action to try to make things right.  It can also help to prevent the situation from escalating further or causing further harm to the relationship.

Of course, apologies are not a magic fix for all relationship problems.  They need to be sincere & meaningful, & they need to be followed up with actions that demonstrate a commitment to change, which naturally are the sole responsibility of the person whose behavior warranted the apology.

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, it’s still important to set healthy boundaries.  You don’t want to take on responsibility for someone else’s actions or feel like you are responsible for fixing their mistakes.  It’s also important to make sure that the person you are apologizing to understands that you are not speaking for the other person, but rather expressing your own feelings & desire to make things right.

It’s also important to communicate with the person you are apologizing to that this is the limit of your involvement in the situation.  In my situation, I told the man I was sorry my ex behaved that way.  I had no idea it happened, or why he would be so rude,

While apologizing on behalf of someone else can be a kind & thoughtful gesture, there are times when it is not appropriate.  For example, if the person who was wronged is expecting an apology from the person who caused the harm, apologizing on their behalf may not be helpful.  It may even be seen as an attempt to prevent someone from taking responsibility for their own actions or you may end up in the middle of a situation where you don’t belong,

It’s also important to consider the potential consequences of apologizing on someone else’s behalf.  Will it create more tension?  Will it cause the other person to feel embarrassed or ashamed?  Will it make the situation worse?

Ultimately, the decision to apologize on behalf of someone else should be made on a case-by-case basis.  It’s important to consider the feelings & needs of all parties involved, as well as the potential consequences of the apology.  If you’re not absolutely sure what to do, take a few minutes to pray, & ask God to show you what you should do.

Why Gossip Is Truly Harmful – A Biblical Perspective

Gossip is often dismissed as harmless chatter or idle talk, but according to the Bible, it’s much more than that.  Proverbs 20:19 in the Amplified Bible states, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”   This Verse shows the gravity of gossip, emphasizing that those who engage in it reveal secrets & betray trust.  Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns us of the terrible characteristics of people in the last days, including being malicious gossips, which may explain why gossip is so prevalent these days.

Words hold immense power.  They have the ability to build up or tear down, to encourage or discourage, to heal or harm.  The tongue, as depicted in the Bible, is described as a “small member, yet it boasts of great things” according to James 3:5.  When gossip becomes a regular part of our conversations, it becomes a weapon of destruction.

Firstly, gossip breaches trust & violates the bond between people.  When someone shares personal information in confidence, it should be kept confidential.  However, gossipers betray this trust by revealing secrets to others, causing immense pain & damage to relationships. 

Gossip also perpetuates negativity & spreads false information.  It often involves the distortion or exaggeration of facts, leading to misunderstandings & misjudgments.  The spreading of false information can damage reputations, tarnish character, & lead to a breakdown in relationships. 

Not only does gossip harm individuals, but it also has far-reaching consequences for communities.  When gossip runs rampant within a church or community, it creates an atmosphere of tension, suspicion, & division.  People become wary of one another, relationships become strained, & unity is shattered.  The body of Christ is meant to be a place of love, support, & encouragement, but gossip undermines these values & hinders the growth of the church.

Furthermore, gossip can have devastating effects on mental & emotional well being.  People who are victims of gossip often experience feelings of shame, humiliation, & isolation.  They may struggle with self esteem issues, anxiety, & even depression.  Engaging in gossip goes against the basic principles of Godly love & causes a great deal of harm.

Additionally, gossip can negatively impact the witness of the Church.  When Christians gossip, it creates a dissonance between their actions & Biblical teachings.  This leads to a loss of credibility & makes them appear as hypocrites.  As followers of Jesus, we are called to be a light in the world, reflecting His love & grace.  Gossip undermines this mission & damages the reputation of the Church.

As humans, we are all prone to the temptation of gossip.  It can be enticing to indulge in juicy tidbits of information sometimes.  However, Christians are called to a higher standard.  We are called to be imitators of Christ, who “committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth” as said in 1 Peter 2:22.  Overcoming the temptation to gossip requires a conscious effort & a commitment to aligning our words with the teachings of Scripture.

We must have a heart of love & compassion.  When we genuinely care for others, we are less likely to engage in gossip.  Instead, we should seek to build others up, speak words of encouragement, & offer support in times of need. 

Additionally, we should practice discernment & wisdom in our conversations refusing to spread or listen to gossip.  

We also must be accountable to one another.  Surrounding ourselves with those who hold us responsible for our words can help us resist the temptation to join in gossip. 

Gossip may seem harmless on the surface, but it is a destructive force that can cause immense harm to people, relationships, & communities.  By adhering to the teachings of Scripture & cultivating compassion, we can reject gossip & contribute to a community that reflects the love & grace of Christ.

Encouragement For Those Who God Has Called To Serve

Serving people in any capacity can be exhausting.  It requires you to give of yourself, your time, & your resources.  There are also times that it can feel unrewarding & can make you want to quit.  But if you have answered the call of God to serve others, then you know that quitting is not an option.  You know that you are doing what God has called you to do, & that is the most important thing.  You are making a difference in the lives of others, & that is something you can be proud of.

I want to encourage you to keep going today.  God loves you so much, is proud of what you’re doing, & He will reward you for it.  Hebrews 6:10 in the Amplified Bible says, “For God is not unjust so as to forget your work & the love which you have shown for His name in ministering to [the needs of] the saints (God’s people), as you do.”

Serving others is not just a job or a task.  It’s a calling from God.  He has chosen you for this work, & He has equipped you with all of the skills & abilities you need to do it well.  When you embrace your calling, you will find a sense of purpose & fulfillment that you won’t find anywhere else.

However, embracing your calling doesn’t mean that you won’t face challenges or difficulties.  There will be times when you feel overwhelmed or discouraged.  During those times, it’s important to remember that God is with you.  He will give you the strength & the courage to keep going, even when you don’t feel like it.

If you’re feeling discouraged or overwhelmed, take some time to pray & ask God for His guidance & strength.  Remember that you are not alone, & that God is with you every step of the way.

While serving others is important, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  You can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take time for self care.  This means taking care of your physical, emotional, & spiritual needs.

Physically, make sure to get enough rest, exercise, & eat healthy.  Emotionally, take time to do things that bring you joy & relaxation.  This could be reading a book, spending time with friends or family, or doing a hobby you enjoy.  Spiritually, make sure to spend time in prayer & reading the Bible.  When you take care of yourself, you will have more energy & motivation to serve others.  You will also be a better example of Christ’s love to those around you.

It’s also so important to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.  Celebrating your successes will help you stay motivated & encouraged.  It will also help you see the impact that you’re making in the lives of others.  So, take some time to reflect on the progress you’ve made & the lives you’ve touched.  Celebrate the lives that have been changed because of you.  Remember that every small act of kindness & service matters.  When you celebrate your successes, you will be reminded of the importance of your work.  You will be reminded that God is using you to make a difference in the world.  How you celebrate isn’t important, so long as you do.  You can get yourself a gift or even take a moment simply to bask in the good feelings of accomplishing what you have done. 

Serving others can be exhausting & discouraging at times, but it’s so helpful & important to remember that God is with you every step of the way.  Embrace your calling, take care of yourself, & celebrate your successes.  Remember that you are making a difference in the world.  Keep going.  Keep serving.  Know that God is proud of you & what you’re doing.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

Children Need To Be Allowed To Have Boundaries

The world can be a scary place for children.  They are still learning how to navigate the world & their emotions.  It’s important for parents to create a safe & nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing themselves.  One way to do this is by allowing them to have boundaries.  Children need to feel safe to say no, disagree, express their opinions, & set limits.  When children grow up without boundaries, they can develop a fear of hurting others, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This can have a detrimental effect on their mental & emotional well-being that can last a lifetime & cause a tremendous amount of problems for them.6

Boundaries are essential for children’s development.  They help children understand their limits & the limits of others.  Without boundaries, children can become confused & overwhelmed.  They may not know how to express their needs & emotions, which leads to frustration & anger.  Boundaries also help children learn how to respect others & themselves.  When children learn to set boundaries, they learn to value themselves & their needs.  This can lead to healthy relationships later in life.

Parents need to model healthy boundaries for their children.  If parents don’t respect their own boundaries, they can’t expect their children to do the same.  For example, if a parent is always giving in to their child’s demands, the child may not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries.  It’s important for parents to set limits & stick to them.  This teaches children that boundaries are important & that they need to be respected.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with setting their own boundaries as adults.  They may have difficulty saying no or expressing their needs.  This leads to unhealthy relationships & a lack of self-care.  Learning how to set boundaries early helps them develop healthy habits as adults.

Children who grow up without boundaries may struggle with speaking up for themselves.  They may fear hurting the other person, anger, abandonment, shaming, judgment, criticism, & being told they are bad, selfish, or not Godly.  This fear leads to a lack of self-expression & an inability to set boundaries.  Children feel like they have to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs & desires.

Parents can help their children overcome this fear by creating a safe & nurturing environment.  Children need to feel like they can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.  Parents can also encourage their children to speak up for themselves by modeling assertive behavior.  If a child sees their parent setting boundaries & speaking up for themselves, they are more likely to do the same.

Parents also should teach their children about consent.  Children need to understand that they have the right to say no to physical touch or activities they are uncomfortable with.  This teaches children that their boundaries are important & need to be respected.

It’s important for children to be compliant because they want to be, not because they are forced into it out of fear or guilt.  When parents use fear or guilt to control their children, it can damage the parent-child relationship & lead to resentment.  Children should feel like they have a choice in their actions & behaviors.

Parents can encourage good behavior by using positive reinforcement.  When children make good choices or show respect for others’ boundaries, parents can praise & reward them.  This teaches children that good behavior is valued & appreciated.

It’s important for parents to remember that children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, & desires.  They need to be allowed to express themselves & set their own boundaries.  By creating a safe & nurturing environment, parents can help their children develop healthy habits & relationships that will last a lifetime.

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

Love Requires Evidence

There is a common saying: actions speak louder than words.  It’s easy for anyone to say the three little words, “I love you,” but it is their actions that truly prove or disprove their declaration of love.  Love requires evidence, & it is through one’s actions that love is revealed & felt.

The Bible beautifully defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  This passage in the Amplified Bible says, “Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].  ⁸Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

But how often do we truly witness these qualities in someone who claims to love us?  Are their actions in line with the Biblical definition of love?

If someone claims to love you but fails to display the qualities mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is questionable.  Their actions are a testament to their true feelings.  Ask yourself, does this person display the qualities of Biblical love?

Love endures with patience & serenity.  It requires a willingness to understand, forgive, & support the other person.  Does this person display those behaviors or impatience, irritability, or a lack of understanding?

Love is kind & thoughtful.  It goes beyond mere words & encompasses acts of kindness, consideration, & thoughtfulness.  Does this person exhibit those behaviors or fail to show kindness in their actions?

Love is not jealous or envious.  It celebrates the successes & happiness of the other person without feeling threatened or envious.  Does that describe this person accurately? 

Love does not brag & is not proud or arrogant.  It embraces humility & acknowledges the importance of equality & respect in a relationship.  If anyone constantly seeks to assert their superiority or demean the other person, their actions contradict the fundamental nature of love.

Love is not rude or self seeking.  Love manifests through politeness, courtesy, & selflessness. Anyone who consistently disregards your feelings, needs, or boundaries, reveals a lack of genuine love & concern.

Love does not take into account a wrong endured.  It forgives & lets go of past mistakes or hurts.  Holding onto grudges or constantly bringing up past offenses indicates an inability to truly love & forgive.  (Please know I am not referring here to anger at being abused.  That should not be in the “forgive & forget” category!)

Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth.  It stands for justice, fairness, & honesty.  Not doing so is evidence of a lack of Godly love. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, & endures all things.  It remains steadfast & unwavering during difficult times.  If someone abandons you in times of hardship or fails to support you, their love is not as true as they claim.

Love never fails.  It never fades or ends.  When someone says they love you but their actions consistently fall short of the qualities of love, it is an indication that their love may not be as authentic as they proclaim.

Words are important, but actions reveal the sincerity & depth of love.  When someone’s actions align with the qualities of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is genuine.  However, if their actions consistently contradict these qualities, their love is questionable.  Remember, love requires evidence, & it is through actions that true love is revealed & experienced.

Ways You Betray Yourself & How To Stop

Betrayal doesn’t always come from someone else; sometimes, it originates from within.  In this post, we will explore some ways you might be betraying yourself & how to stop it while learning to prioritize yourself.

One of the most common ways we betray ourselves is by neglecting self care.  Your well being should always be a priority, but far too often, we put others’ needs before our own.  By not treating yourself with love & neglecting self care, you diminish your self worth & overall happiness. 

To change this behavior:

Learn to prioritize yourself.  Schedule regular “me time” often, even if it’s just a few minutes at a time.  Use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy & recharge your energy.

Practice Self Compassion. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging your accomplishments & forgiving your imperfections.  Treat yourself with the same care & compassion you offer to others.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships & protecting your emotional well being.  When you don’t have & enforce healthy boundaries, you allow others to overstep their limits & prioritize their needs over your own.  This is another form of self betrayal.

I have a course on learning to set healthy boundaries on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com .  Some very basic steps to get you started are:

Identify Your Limits: Pay attention to how you feel when interacting with others.  Remember, it’s ok to put yourself first & say no sometimes.  It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself; it’s necessary for your well being.

Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries in a direct & respectful manner. 

People pleasing is another way you can betray yourself. When you constantly sacrifice yourself to gain approval & love from others, you lose sight of your own desires & live in a way that doesn’t align with your true self.

Recognize Your Worth: Understand that your value is not determined by how much you please others.  Embrace your unique qualities & learn to validate yourself.  Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself & make decisions accordingly.

Listen to Your Intuition: Trust it & do what feels right.

When someone hurts you, it’s easy to internalize the pain & keep silent.  However, holding in hurt leads to resentment, damaged relationships, & damaged self esteem.  Speaking up allows you to assert your boundaries & protect your emotional well being.

To change this self betraying behavior:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Identify your emotions without judgment.  Recognize that your feelings matter & deserve to be heard.

Communicate Constructively: Express your concerns or emotions calmly.  Focus on how the behavior made you feel rather than blaming the other person can foster a more productive conversation.

Choose your battles.  Little things often are better let go.  Or, if dealing with a narcissist, speaking up often only creates more problems.  Pray before speaking up, asking God to tell you if you need to speak up & what to say if you do.

When you sacrifice your morals to fit in, you betray your authentic self.  Over time living inauthentically erodes your self esteem & your identity.

To change this behavior:

Define Your Values: Identify principles you are unwilling to compromise on & stick to them.

Evaluate Your Choices: When faced with difficult decisions, consider how each option aligns with your values.  Make choices that resonate with your values, even if they are challenging.

Betraying yourself damages your happiness & well being.  You deserve better than that!  If you struggle in this area, pray for guidance & wisdom.  God will give them freely!

Remember, you deserve to be treated with love & loyalty, including treating yourself with those traits.

Why Judging Someone’s Character By How They Treat Their Parents Is Not Always Accurate

I have heard many people say that a person’s character can be determined by how a person treats their parents.  I disagree with this statement for several reasons.  Firstly, it assumes that parent/child relationships are always good, which is simply not the case for everyone.  Secondly, it doesn’t make sense because a relationship with one’s parents is naturally different from any other relationship.  Lastly, there are better ways to assess someone’s character that can give more accurate results.

As someone who’s been very harshly judged by many people, from family to total strangers, for my relationship with my parents, I would like to share some thoughts on this topic with you today.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has a good relationship with their parents.  Some people have abusive parents, which obviously will cause a very strained & difficult parent/child relationship.  An abused child, no matter their age, is going to behave much differently around their parents than around those with whom they are comfortable.

Additionally, some people have had emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents.  The result of that is often someone who is always willing to do for their parents, yet unwilling to treat others as well.  This often results in others in this person’s life being neglected or treated poorly. 

When someone has been abused by their parent in any way, often ending that relationship is the only thing they can do to protect their mental & even physical health.  Ending the relationship is a last, desperate resort to protect one’s health & sanity.  Many people assume those of us who have taken this step are selfish, entitled & spoiled, & will mistreat anyone we can.  This is very rarely the case however. 

Lastly, some people have mentally ill parents whose illness requires they be treated differently than anyone else.  Judging someone in these situations by how they treat their parents will give you very inaccurate results.  

Instead of judging someone by their relationship with their parents, it’s better to look at how someone treats those who can’t benefit them in any way, such as their mechanic, waitress or even the janitor in their office building.  This is a more accurate way to determine someone’s character because it shows how they treat people who can’t benefit them.  If they are kind to them, chances are their character is very good.

Another way to assess someone’s character is to look at how they handle conflict.  Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, & how someone handles it can tell you a lot about their character.  Do they resort to name-calling & insults, or do they try to understand your point of view & come to a resolution? 

Lastly, it’s important to look at their actions rather than just their words.  Anyone can say they are kind or caring, but it’s their actions that truly matter.  Do they follow through on their promises?  Do they make an effort to be there for you when you need them, even when it’s inconvenient for them?

By using these methods, you can get a much better idea of someone’s true character than if you simply observe their relationship with their parents.

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

10% Off All My Print Books!!

My publsher is offering a New Year sale on all of my print books. They’re 10% off until January 5, 2024 Simply enter code FROSTYFUN10 at checkout. My print books can be found at this link:

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Don’t Let Holiday Traditions Become False Gods

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.

Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.

However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.

I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.

When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.

Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.

Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”

Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.

Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.

Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.

Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.

Faulty Beliefs Many Christians Have

Christianity has become quite watered down over the years.  As a result, many people have adopted a comfortable Christianity that bears only a slight resemblance to what the Bible says.  Some examples of faulty beliefs stemming from this movement are going to be addressed today.

“God loves me as I am, so I don’t have to change.”  While God loves you dearly, that doesn’t mean He doesn’t want you never to improve yourself.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says that believers are new creations in Christ.  Once you put your faith in Jesus, naturally you should change, but it doesn’t stop there.  Philippians 1:6 says that He who began a good work in us will complete it until the day Jesus returns.  That sounds like an ongoing process rather than stagnation to me.

“God doesn’t really care about the little things in my life.”  God has unique plans for every person.  Each person is unique as is their heart towards pleasing God.  Treating every single person the same would mean people are benefiting more or less than others.  It only makes sense for God to treat each person differently.  Psalm 139:16  in the Amplified Bible says, “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were appointed for me, When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].”

“Grace saved us, so there is no point in doing any good acts.”  People who believe this often quote Ephesians 2:8-9.  In the King James translation, those verses state, “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: ⁹ Not of works, lest any man should boast.”  What they fail to realize is that there is no good work you can do to earn salvation, but once you are saved, you need to do good works.  There are plenty of verses that reinforce this in the New Testament.  A few are Matthew 5:16, Ephesians 2:10, & 2 Timothy 2:21 but there are plenty more as well.

“The only way to handle conflict is to forgive & forget.”  The Bible speaks openly about forgiveness.  Several verses explain that forgiveness is a must for Christians, such as Matthew 6:14 & Ephesians 4:32 just to name a couple.  The dangers of not forgiving are mentioned, too.  Matthew 6:15 mentions how unforgiveness can hinder your relationship with God, & Hebrews 12:15 mentions how a root of bitterness can grow in an unforgiving person.  However, forgetting what someone has done isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible, & there are reasons for that.  Acting as if a wrong wasn’t committed against you by forgetting it is unwise.  It sets you up for further mistreatment, & that is something we should avoid.  Proverbs 22:3 states that a prudent person hides from evil, not engage with it.  Forgiving & forgetting also doesn’t encourage the other person to learn & grow.  People learn & grow when they receive consequences for their behavior.

“God blesses everyone the same.”  Participation trophies have become a common thing in today’s society.  Children receive a trophy for participating in certain activities, whether or not they did a good job in the activity.  Many people believe that God acts similarly, & rewards all of His children no matter what they do or don’t do.  This simply is not the case!  Romans 2:6 says God will repay each person for what they have done.  Colossians 3:23-24 says that the person who works as if he was working for the Lord will receive an inheritance.  Galatians 6:9 says that the person who does good things without giving up will reap a good harvest.  These three Scriptures are only a few examples of how God blesses His children.

I hope that you now see why these common beliefs are faulty. 

Bringing Darkness Into The Light

Many people shy away from talking about negative experiences or unpleasant topics out of fear of being labeled judgmental, intolerant or lacking faith in God.  However, Ephesians 5:11 encourages us to bring everything into the light, including things that belong to the darkness.  

Ephesians 5:11 in the Good News Bible says, “Have nothing to do with the worthless things that people do, things that belong to the darkness. Instead, bring them out to the light.”  Paul is warning the Ephesians about the dangers of things like immorality, impurity, & greed.  He also encourages them to expose the works of darkness.

As Christians, we are called to live in the light & to expose the darkness.  This means that we cannot ignore or avoid unpleasant topics, but must confront them head-on.

Many people avoid negative topics because they want to focus on positive things & avoid anything that might bring them down.  While this is understandable, it’s also unhealthy.  When we ignore negative topics, we are not dealing with reality or acknowledging pain & suffering.

Furthermore, when we avoid negative topics, we may be inadvertently perpetuating problems.  By not speaking out against injustice, we allow it to continue.  By not acknowledging our own struggles, we prevent ourselves from getting the help we need to overcome them.  Avoiding negative topics also can lead to anxiety, depression, & other health problems.

When we discuss negative topics, we are no longer hiding from reality, but are confronting it, which allows us to experience healing & freedom.  When we are open about our sins & struggles to others, we can receive forgiveness, help & support.  When we expose injustice & oppression, we can work towards change & justice.  

We never should let anyone silence us.  We are called to be bold & courageous in speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  Of course, this does not mean that we should be rude or insensitive.  We should always speak the truth in love & with compassion. 

Furthermore, when we are open & honest about our own struggles, we give others permission to do the same.  We create a safe space where people can be vulnerable & authentic, & where healing & growth can occur.

Avoiding negative topics also shields people from the consequences that they should experience to show them that they need to change.   It prevents them from seeing the truth & from seeking forgiveness & redemption.

Some people may argue that confronting negative topics shows a lack of faith in God.  However, this is not true.  In fact, confronting negative topics requires a great deal of faith.  It requires trust that God is in control & that He can bring good out of even the most difficult situations.  Confronting negative topics is an important part of spiritual growth & maturity.  It allows us to see the world as it truly is & to respond to it in a way that is consistent with our faith.

While it is important to confront negative topics, it is also important to balance them with positive ones.  We should not dwell on negativity or allow it to consume us any more than we should focus only on positive topics.  We should strive to be a source of positivity & encouragement to others.  We should be quick to offer a kind word, a listening ear, or a helping hand to those in need.  We also should celebrate the successes & victories of others, & give thanks to God for all that He has done.  This is how we can confront the darkness while also shining a light on the hope & joy that is found in God.

In short, God gives us the strength & courage to confront negative topics with love & compassion. As His children, we are to be bold & courageous, always speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  We must balance negative topics with positive ones, & always confront negative topics in light of the gospel.

Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

Having Healthy Boundaries With Empathy

Empathy is truly a wonderful thing & one of the best things God has given people.  Even so, there are times it can become a problem.  Lacking healthy boundaries with empathy is one of those times.

One obvious ways empathic people need healthy boundaries is feeling compassion for certain people.  It can be too easy for empathic people to tolerate terrible or even abusive behavior from someone who is dysfunctional or even toxic due to their own painful traumatic experiences.

I have done this. Many years ago, my husband & I were visiting his parents.  His mother said something that apparently his father disliked.  He insulted her for what she said, which obviously hurt her feelings badly.  Although she was a covert narcissist who clearly detested me, I still felt badly for her.  I had been trying to set healthy boundaries to let her know I was tired of tolerating her disrespect, but after watching how her husband spoke to her that day, I felt so badly for her that I tolerated her behavior quietly for a while.  Naively, I thought that maybe I was her only way to vent her hurt, frustrations & even anger.  I thought it might help her to get these awful feelings out by treating me badly, so I thought fine, I’ll deal with this.  Not like I wasn’t accustomed to her hating me, so I thought if it helps her feel better, so be it.  Thankfully I learned quickly that this wasn’t helping her & it was hurting me, so it needed to stop.

The trap I fell into can happen all too easily for an empathic person, as can going in the exact opposite direction.  Some empathic people can be so burned out on caring for other people that over time, they shut down their empathy.  They become cold & even cruel towards other people.  I have seen this with some victims of narcissistic abuse.  There have been a few times that I have mentioned feeling bad for a narcissist for some reason only to be attacked for that.  The attackers said things like there is no reason to feel badly for them.  They are evil, period, I needed to accept that & stop being so stupid as to pity them because they don’t deserve pity. 

Somewhere between these two examples lies a very good place for empathic people. 

If you are someone who naturally has a high degree of empathy for other people, I want to encourage you today to start using some of that empathy for yourself.  It may be time for you to learn some healthy boundaries.

You need to remember that you aren’t anyone’s punching bag. That really isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.  A person can vent to you about something, which is fine, but treating you badly repeatedly because someone else treated them badly is inexcusable!  That does no one any good, so don’t be foolish like I was & tolerate it thinking that it is helping someone.  It isn’t helping anyone & it hurts you!  You can have compassion, you can be empathic, yet you can have healthy boundaries too.

Also, going so far the other way as to shut down your natural empathy isn’t good either.  Look at the people who block it off, like narcissists.  They are miserable!  Ignoring natural empathy makes a person miserable, selfish & angry. 

Instead, accept that it is perfectly reasonable to feel compassion for someone who behaves badly, even abusers.  Yet, at the same time, it is also perfectly reasonable to have no space in your life to tolerate such behavior.  Refusing to allow others to mistreat you encourages them to change their behavior into something healthier.  You are giving them the chance to improve themselves.  And having this healthy balance is showing yourself love & compassion, not only showing it to other people.  You deserve that just as much as anyone else!

People With Narcissistic Tendencies Who Aren’t Narcissists

It’s easy to confuse some dysfunctional people with narcissists. While it’s true that some very dysfunctional people can behave similarly to narcissists, it’s important to remember that they’re not the same & should not be treated as such.  Labeling people as narcissists too easily dilutes the true meaning of narcissism.  It also minimizes the pain of victims of narcissistic abuse.  Today, we’ll discuss the differences between dysfunctional people with narcissistic tendencies & narcissists, & how to deal with them.

The primary difference between those with narcissistic tendencies & full blown narcissists is empathy.  Narcissists completely lack empathy & are unable to view the world from another person’s perspective.  Some dysfunctional people may not have an over abundance of empathy, but they still are somewhat able to understand the feelings & perspectives of others.  This is why their behavior is not malicious, just thoughtless.  They don’t want to hurt other people, unlike narcissists.

Some dysfunctional people with narcissistic tendencies may engage in activities such as seeking external validation to try to convince others & themselves that they are smart, talented, attractive & successful.  This is a typical narcissistic behavior, which can make it hard to tell if the person acting this way is dysfunctional or narcissistic.  One way to tell the difference is if you disagree with a narcissist, they become enraged, give you the silent treatment or act like you’re being mean to them.  A dysfunctional person is more likely to be hurt.

Another behavior of someone with narcissistic tendencies is to gaslight people as a way of avoiding facing their own trauma or the truth about their abusers.  This happens often when someone speaks openly of their personal trauma to someone prone to this behavior.  The topic upsets the dysfunctional person, so they try to stop the person from discussing it.  They may say things like, “You’re being over sensitive,” or, “He couldn’t be like that because was always nice to me!”  Narcissists may say the same type of statements, but it’s because they want to normalize abuse so they may continue abusing.  They also enjoy hurting people, & saying such cruel statements accomplishes that.  Their joy is evident by the subtle smirk or sparkle in their eyes when they realize you’re hurt.  A dysfunctional person won’t enjoy hurting you & most likely will apologize when they realize they hurt you.

Another difference between narcissistic tendencies & narcissistic behavior is that narcissists are driven by a deep need for attention & admiration, & will do whatever it takes to get it.  Dysfunctional people, on the other hand, are often fine not receiving a lot of attention & admiration.  In fact, admiration makes many very uncomfortable due to their low self esteem.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to try to talk openly with them.  Being gentle with your words rather than accusatory, & use “I” statements when possible as that can help.  Saying, “I felt hurt that you said that” will be better received than, “You really hurt me when you said that” for example.  Be compassionate, encouraging, & sincere when communicating with them.

One thing I learned from dealing with someone like this was to consider what you know about this person, & if you don’t know much, learn what you can.  The person I knew like this had an abusive mother & was very insecure as a result of his upbringing.  I started being freer with complements & validation whenever appropriate.  These small steps improved our relationship, & his behavior improved drastically.

It’s also vitally important to remember to have healthy boundaries, & to not allow their dysfunction to hurt you.  

Most of all, pray for them & for God to give you wisdom on how best to handle your situation.  That makes the biggest difference of all!

It can be easy to label some dysfunctional people narcissists, but never forget that they are not the same.  When dealing with those with narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to remember that these people are often in pain & may need support, not judgment.  By understanding these people as well as the differences between narcissism & narcissistic tendencies, you can be better equipped to help those in need in a compassionate & supportive way.

When Your Partner Gets Quiet It May Be A Sign of Trouble In Your Relationship

As one-half of a couple, you know your partner best.  You know when they’re happy, sad, or angry.  But what happens when they get quiet, when they don’t talk about what’s going on in their life or how they feel about your relationship?  It can be a sign of trouble.  Today, we’ll explore some reasons behind why your partner may be quiet, what you can do to fix the situation.

Before we dive into the topic, please keep in mind that every relationship is different.  What works for one couple may not work for another.  That being said, there are some universal truths when it comes to relationships.  Communication is key.  When your partner gets unusually quiet, it’s frequently a sign that something is off. 

They’re dealing with personal issues.  Maybe your partner is going through a tough time at work or with their family.  They may not want to burden you with their problems or may not feel comfortable talking about them yet.

They’re processing their emotions.  Some people need time to sort through their feelings before they can talk about them.  Your partner may be one of these people.  I’m one of them, & can tell you that being this way means if you give me space to process things, when I do talk about them, I’ll make a lot more sense to you.

They’re feeling disconnected from you.  If your partner feels like you’re not paying attention to them or that they’re not important to you, they may start to withdraw.  They may not feel like talking to you because they don’t feel like you care.

Getting quiet also can be a sign that your partner is emotionally detaching from you.   Being quiet can be an attempt to protect themselves from being further hurt or disappointed by you.  Following are some other signs that is why they’re quiet:

They stop complaining, even though nothing has changed.  If your partner used to complain about things but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’ve given up on the issue or worse yet, the relationship.

They stop trying to get you to open up or do things together.  Your partner may not feel like it’s worth the effort anymore, so they stop.

They don’t show affection as much as they used to.  This can mean sex or simple affectionate gestures like giving you a hug when you come home from work.  If your partner used to be affectionate with you but has stopped, it may be a sign that they’re emotionally detaching from you.  They may not feel as connected to you as they used to. 

If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to talk to your partner & find out what’s going on.  Remember to be gentle, understanding, & non-judgmental.  You don’t want to make your partner feel attacked or defensive since that will make things worse.

Ask them how they’re doing.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple question to get your partner to open up.  Ask them how they’re feeling & if there’s anything you can do to help if they’re struggling.

Listen actively.  When your partner does open up, listen actively.  Repeat back what they’ve said & ask clarifying questions.  This shows that you’re paying attention, that you genuinely want to know what is happening & that you care.

Be patient.  Remember that your partner may need time to process their emotions.  Don’t rush them or pressure them to talk before they’re ready.

Don’t say “I understand” & give examples of why you understand unless your partner asks if you understand something. Doing this without them asking sends the message that you just want to talk about yourself, not them, & it hurts even if that isn’t your intention.

Remember, communication is key.  If your partner has gotten quiet lately, it’s a good idea to find out why.  With time & effort, you can work through any issues & strengthen your relationship.

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How Narcissists Condition Their Victims

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner seemed too good to be true?  They seemed to share all of your likes, beliefs, & behavior, & you felt like you had found your soul mate.  Then suddenly, something changed, & you were left wondering what happened, what you did wrong, to cause your partner to change so much?

It’s very likely that you were the victim of a narcissist.  Narcissists are master manipulators, & they use a variety of tactics to groom their victims & keep them in the relationship.  Today, we’ll discuss some about the grooming tactics of narcissists, the trauma bonds they create, & how to break free from this toxic cycle.

Narcissists are experts at putting on a show.  They know how to make their victims feel special & loved, & they use this to their advantage.  They start by mirroring their victim’s likes, beliefs, & behavior.  This creates an instant bond which makes the victim feel like they’ve found their soul mate.

Once the narcissist has gained their victim’s trust, they stop trying so hard.  Suddenly, they don’t call as much, don’t make as many plans, & don’t show as much affection.  This leaves the victim feeling perplexed & abandoned, wondering what they did wrong to make the narcissist change so much.

This is the narcissist’s goal, because when the victim is left feeling confused & abandoned, they want to please the narcissist so much that they will do whatever it takes to regain the narcissist’s love & affection.  The victim is now in a place of vulnerability, & the narcissist will exploit this to their advantage.

This cycle of “hot & cold” behavior is what creates trauma bonds.  The victim is now in a cycle of being lured in by the narcissist’s charm & then feeling betrayed when the narcissist withdraws their love & affection.  This cycle can make it very hard for the victim to break free from the relationship.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is difficult, but it is possible.

I firmly believe that God’s help is of the utmost importance in life, but in particular when dealing with narcissists because they are so manipulative.  God can help you to resist their manipulation & to recognize it.   He also can guide you in the best things to say & do to help you navigate this relationship or to end it entirely.

It’s also so important to remember that the narcissist’s behavior is not your fault.  It’s all about their selfishness & what they feel they need to do to get whatever it is they want from you.  There is nothing you can do to make a narcissist treat you the way that they do, so don’t believe that lie!  They have made the choice to abuse you, period.  That choice is all their responsibility, & has nothing to do with you!

It’s absolutely vital to recognize the narcissist’s tactics & to be aware of their behavior.  Once you can recognize their manipulation tactics, it will be easier to break away from their manipulation & to create healthy boundaries.  

It’s very helpful to seek out support from safe friends, family, or a therapist, to help you process your experience & move forward.  If you’re on Facebook, I have a wonderful group on there full of people who are exceptionally kind, caring & who have experienced all types of narcissistic abuse.  You are more than welcome to check it out if you like!

Narcissists are master manipulators & they use trauma bonding to get what they want from their victims.  That can be hard to break, but with awareness & support, it is possible to break free & reclaim your life.

If you or someone you know is in a narcissistic relationship, it’s important to seek out help & support.  Remember that you are not alone & that you deserve to be treated with real, Godly love & respect!

What The Bible Says About Division

Division is a prevalent issue in today’s society.  The Bible speaks extensively about the dangers of division & the importance of avoiding it.  We must understand division & how to combat it with wisdom & discernment.

There is a spirit of division at work in our world today, so we must learn to recognize its tactics & combat it.  This spirit is responsible for creating rifts & schisms within families, marriages, friendships, the workplaces & even in churches.  There are many Scriptures about division.

In Matthew 12:25, Jesus tells us that a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand.  

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 1:10 in the Amplified Bible, “But I urge you, believers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you be in full agreement in what you say, and that there be no divisions or factions among you, but that you be perfectly united in your way of thinking and in your judgment [about matters of the faith].”

Proverbs 6 warns us about the dangers of sowing discord among brothers & sisters.  It tells us that God hates it when people stir up conflict & cause strife among believers.

Similarly, in Romans 16:17-18, Paul warns us about those who create division & cause obstacles contrary to the doctrine that we have been taught.  He tells us to avoid them & to be wise about their intentions.

1 Corinthians 3:3 says, “You are still worldly [controlled by ordinary impulses, the sinful capacity]. For as long as there is jealousy and strife and discord among you, are you not unspiritual, and are you not walking like ordinary men [unchanged by faith]?”  And, Jude 1:19 similarly discusses divisive people.  “These are the ones who are [agitators] causing divisions—worldly-minded [secular, unspiritual, carnal, merely sensual—unsaved], devoid of the Spirit.”

When we constantly prioritize our own desires & ambitions above the good of others, we create division.  We must learn to submit to one another & seek the good of others too, not just ourselves.  We always must be careful not to fall into the trap of worldly thinking & instead seek the wisdom & guidance of the Holy Spirit.

In Luke 12:51, Jesus says, “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division [between believers and unbelievers];”  At first glance, this may seem to contradict the Bible’s message of unity & peace.  However, when we read this verse in context with others, we see that Jesus referred to the natural division between belivers & unbelievers.

We must be willing to stand firm in our faith, even if it means facing opposition & persecution from those who do not believe.  However, this does not mean that we should create division where it shouldn’t be.  We must be discerning & wise in our relationships & interactions with others.

An important key to combating division is love.  As Paul writes in Colossians 3:14, ” Beyond all these things put on and wrap yourselves in [unselfish] love, which is the perfect bond of unity [for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others].”  We must approach others with love, kindness & humility.  

Wisdom is also crucial in avoiding destructive division.  We must seek God’s wisdom & guidance as we interact with others.  We must be good examples of our faith with demonstrating love & promoting unity while also not compromising our faith.  We also must be wise enough to know when to end relationships that are unhealthy or even toxic.

I firmly believe everyone must be on guard against division & actively work to create unity & peace in relationships.  Love, wisdom, discernment & most of all a strong faith in God will do wonders for combating a spirit of division.