Tag Archives: limited

Consequences- A Necessary Part Of Life, Even For Narcissists

2 Thessalonians 3:10  “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.”  (KJV)

 

So many of us raised by narcissistic parents grew up believing it was our job to protect our parents from consequences.  No matter what our parents did to us, we weren’t supposed to be upset about it or confront them about being abusive.  We were supposed to tolerate everything they did with a smile rather than take the chance in upsetting them.

 

Sadly, this awful belief often is such an ingrained belief, it follows us into adulthood.  Our narcissistic parents can continue abusing not only us but our spouse & children as well without fear of consequences.

 

The fact is that this belief & behavior goes against God’s will.  God is a firm believer in consequences.  The Scripture at the beginning of this post is evidence of that.

 

Dear Reader, if you’re suffering at the hands of your narcissistic parents, you are well within your rights to set boundaries & give your parents consequences!  Doing so won’t make you a bad person or bad daughter or son.  In fact, it means you are following God’s will.

 

The same is true if you have gone no contact with your narcissistic parents.  Although many people will attempt shame you for doing so, going no contact after years of abuse & attempts to improve the relationship is NOT a bad thing.  Yes, it’s sad when a relationship comes to such drastic measures, especially when it’s a close relationship such as parent & child, however, it is also often the only resort left for a victim who wishes to be free of abuse.  The person in this situation has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Narcissism

Why It’s Important To Stay No Contact

So much information preaches no contact.  They say it’s the only solution for dealing with a narcissist & you’re naive if you think otherwise, so just do it already!  It fixes everything!

 

To a degree, this is true.  Usually no contact is the only solution since it’s not like narcissists are prone to change or willing to work on creating a mutually beneficial, healthy relationship.

 

There is one thing no one mentions though- that no contact needs to be done only after you are 1,000% sure you can do it indefinitely, no matter what.

 

If you go no contact with a narcissist then later resume the relationship, things will NOT go well with you!  Sure, they might for a short time, but it won’t last.

 

If a narcissist is able to lure you back into the relationship, you are showing that you’re weak & have no boundaries.  She sees you as easy prey.  The same thing goes if you initiate contact again after a period of no contact.  Once you go no contact, you need to stay no contact for good, no matter what!

 

In 1993, I went no contact with my mother.  It was a foolish move on my part.  I gave into the frequent pressure of my ex husband & told her to get out of my life during an argument.  It wasn’t a well thought out move on my part.  A few months later I ran into my parents at a local mall & when my mother told me I needed to come to her home soon after, I blindly obeyed.  It was a huge mistake!  My mother knew I had no boundaries to speak of & she could treat me like dirt without repercussions.

 

In 2001, I went no contact with her again.  This time, it lasted until 2007 when I allowed my mother back in my life.  It was better at first, but that is because I’d been working on my healing.  I also had learned about boundaries.  Even so, it wasn’t long & my mother was back to treating me terribly.  The verbal abuse was much more intense, more so than it had been prior to going no contact.

 

I’ve heard similar stories of this happening from many people.  They went no contact, then resumed the relationship & although it may have been nice for a short time, it quickly turned even worse than it once was.

 

If you’re considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, I would like to urge you today to seriously consider it.  I’m not saying don’t do it, & stay in the relationship, of course.  That decision is yours & no one should tell you what to do in that regard.   I’m just saying be absolutely 1,000% positive that if you opt for no contact, once you do it, nothing can lure you back into the relationship.

 

Think about all aspects of being no contact.  What if the narcissist suddenly became an invalid or terminally ill- would you have the strength to continue to stay no contact under such circumstances?  What if flying monkeys come at you from every direction- do you feel you could withstand whatever they throw at you or would you cave in, & contact the narcissist?  If the narcissist in your life is a parent or other relative, could you handle seeing that person at family gatherings & avoiding a scene if she starts one?  You may lose relationships with those people you & the narcissist both know- will you be OK with that?  You will be betrayed, unfortunately- it’s a given.  Some people you think love you & will understand won’t understand.  Can you cope with that kind of pain?  Can you protect yourself however necessary if the narcissist begins to stalk & harass you, or has the flying monkeys do it?

 

I know these topics are incredibly difficult to think about, but you absolutely need to do so before deciding on no contact.

 

Sadly, no contact often the best choice you can make.  However it should never be done lightly.  If you’re considering going no contact, don’t do it after a big fight or even after an especially pleasant conversation with the narcissist.  Think & pray about it after you’ve had some time apart from the narcissist so you can think clearly.  Ask God what you should do & listen for His answer.

 

If you feel you want to go no contact but are unable to at this time for whatever reason, that’s fine.  Listen to God- His timing is always perfect!  In the meantime, do your best with refusing to provide any narcissistic supply (also known as the Gray Rock Method) & enforcing healthy boundaries.  While a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly difficult, it’s better to hang in there for a short time longer than to go no contact & be lured back in at a future date.  I promise you that!

 

So, Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please consider what I’ve said in this post.  Pray & think long & hard about going no contact before you do it.  Think about all kinds of scenarios that could arise, even down to the death of the narcissist.  And, know you may still be surprised by the lows of the narcissist & her flying monkeys, no matter how thoroughly you try to think things out.  It’ll be hard to do but it really will help you in the long run.

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism