Tag Archives: flying monkeys
Many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing. After months, years or even a lifetime of abuse, they realize they can’t take the abuse anymore. They then escape the narcissist & are met with further abuse from other people instead of love, concern & support.
That abuse frequently consists of victims being told they are oversensitive, they need to forgive, aren’t being so called “good Christians,” they shouldn’t go no contact because the narcissist is family & other similar nonsense. Possibly the worst of the comments many victims hear though is when people tell the victim that they are the abusive one. I think one of the most painful things any abuse victim can hear is that they are acting like someone who caused them unimaginable pain & suffering. It’s cruel & it also can cause victims to have doubts about their behavior. Following is some food for thought for narcissistic abuse victims as well as for anyone who may have said these things.
When a victim escapes their narcissist & refuses to have any further contact, that doesn’t make a victim immature, unforgiving or pouting like a spoiled little child. It also doesn’t mean the victim is being passive aggressive by giving their abuser the silent treatment. It means the victim is protecting him or her self from further abuse, not being abusive towards anyone.
When a victim finally tells others about what the narcissist did, this also isn’t abusive. This is someone speaking the truth about unthinkable suffering they have endured. This person is looking for support, to work through their pain, to warn others who know the abuser & even to help raise awareness of narcissistic abuse. There is absolutely no way this is abusive!
When people tell the victim how they should return to the relationship, anyone should refuse to engage with people like this because clearly they are toxic. Doing so is not abusive. What is abusive, however, is when people tell other people they should return to an abusive relationship, & shame them for not wanting to tolerate abuse any longer. I admit, this is a particularly sensitive topic with me. When I broke my engagement to my now ex husband, several people told me I should get back together with him because he was miserable without me. After going no contact with my parents, people said I needed to “fix things with them”, as if I was the only one who could repair that relationship. In both situations, not one person asked why I severed ties with these people & they encouraged me to return to relationships that were detrimental to me. See how abusive that is?
People who tell others to “take the high road” or “be the bigger person” are the abusive ones, not those who refuse to take that supposed high road. Tolerating abuse doesn’t make you a good person. It isn’t good or holy. It’s foolish.
People who share criticisms with victims of how victims handled the abusive relationship when the victim didn’t ask for their thoughts are being abusive. The victim is not being abusive for not handling the abuser the way this person thinks they should. The victim is also not being abusive because he or she tells this person that they didn’t ask for that person’s opinion.
People who move on & enjoy their life after surviving narcissistic abuse aren’t deserving of shame, nor are they narcissists. To shame them or call them narcissistic for finally having the ability to enjoy their lives is abusive.
If you are faced with people who call you abusive or they abuse you for ending an abusive relationship, they clearly have problems. Always remember, you aren’t being abusive in any way for protecting yourself from them or your abuser! Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
I was thinking of something & thought I’d pass it along to those of you who read my work & follow my YouTube channel.
April 25, 2019 was the day I buried my mother. I decided not to have a funeral because those she was closest to were elderly, ill &/or lived too far away to attend her funeral. The day of her burial, I knew I didn’t have to be there, so I was unsure if I would attend or not. That is at least until that morning. The cemetery called. Apparently they made a huge blunder. My parents bought two double decker plots, one for them & another for my husband & I. When my father died, he was to be buried at double depth, then my mother on top at regular depth. The problem was the day of my mother’s burial, they learned my father was buried at normal depth! They had to exhume him, rebury him in the neighboring plot, fill in the now empty grave & then they could bury my mother. I had to rush to the cemetery to fill out paperwork giving my permission to do this. I did this & returned home, deciding to go back to the cemetery for her burial to be certain no more mistakes were made.
This was horrific to put it mildly, especially on top of losing my mother, learning I was to handle her estate matters, try to help her traumatized cat & continue to live my own life. Yet, it got worse…
At the grave side with my husband & best friend, I realized someone else showed up. The cousin who was a devoted flying monkey to my parents & the cruelest to me when my father was dying! She approached me to tell me she was just there for my mother. I told her to leave & she wasn’t welcome. She smugly refused. I called her a nasty name, which then fueled her insanity to start screaming. Thankfully her husband dragged her off as my husband told her to get lost. Her husband & the cemetery staff kept her away from me until I left, once my mother was safely buried.
The reason I’m sharing this story with you is this… never underestimate narcissists & their flying monkeys. Always expect the worst out of them. I clearly made a mistake by not expecting anyone to show up to my mother’s burial. That day I felt I was at the edge of sanity with my trashy cousin trying to push me over the edge. If I hadn’t underestimated narcissistic behavior, I could’ve been more mentally prepared to handle the situation or asked the cemetery not to tell anyone when my mother’s burial would be.
I’m not trying to make anyone feel paranoid, like you constantly have to look over your shoulder. However, when these people have been in your life in any capacity, even only briefly as a flying monkey, you need to know that they may come back at any time, in particular at your worst possible times.
Narcissists are glad to cause pain. I believe that most flying monkeys are also narcissists, which is why they see nothing wrong with encouraging people to tolerate abuse or treating people any old way they like under the guise of trying to help. If they truly think this way then there is no low too low for them. Never forget that! Protect yourself as much as humanly possible from such people. Know they are capable of anything. If at all possible, avoid them. Block any & all contact they have with you & don’t speak to them. If that is not possible, then remember to Gray Rock. Be boring. Never give into any control measures they try to use on you. Never show them any emotions you have. Never provide any personal information about yourself or your life. Remember what they find interesting about you & deny them of that. These people deserve nothing from you, so provide them with nothing & protect yourself!
Being in a relationship in any capacity with a narcissist is a learning experience. In order to survive with your sanity in tact, naturally you need to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It helps you to understand what was really happening & that contrary to what the narcissist in your life told you, the problems in the relationship weren’t your fault. It also helps you to spot the early signs of a narcissist, so you won’t end up in a similar relationship again.
That being said though, there are other valuable lessons you can learn from a narcissistic relationship.
Responding instead of reacting is a very valuable skill! Not only in relating with narcissists, but even with healthy people, responding is a good relationship skill. Reacting is done in the heat of the moment & without thought. while responding is done after some consideration. Narcissists love reacting because people will do or things when they react that they wouldn’t normally do if they had taken the time to consider their predicament. This can prove to the narcissist that their victim is crazy, abusive or anything else they want to claim. Healthy people don’t act this way of course, but even so, reacting can cause problems in even the healthiest of relationships. It’s a good idea to stop for a second to take a deep breath, then release it slowly when you’re tempted to react. This action calms anxiety & anger, & gives you a second to consider your response.
Boundaries are a very good thing. Narcissists respect no one’s boundaries. They feel they have every right to say & do anything they please. Once a victim is away from this sort of behavior, they learn that boundaries really are a wonderful thing. They also learn to appreciate people who have no problems with boundaries.
“No” can be an excellent way to figure out if a person is functional or not. Narcissists can take the simple word no as a victim being rebellious, difficult, disrespectful & even abusive. A functional person takes no as a boundary & they respect it. If you want to see if the new relationship in your life is a healthy one, say no & see how the other person reacts.
People believe what they want to believe. Human beings like things to be as we think they should be, & we can get upset when that perception is threatened. A healthy, functional person will consider the evidence & even if it’s uncomfortable, go along with the change. Dysfunctional people aren’t this wise. They may refuse to face change. This is never more evident than when there is evidence showing them that a narcissist isn’t the great person they think he or she is. This is when they become especially vicious to the narcissist’s victim. Many of these people don’t want to believe that person isn’t the great person they thought they were, possibly out of fear of looking foolish. It’s more comfortable for them to believe the narcissist’s smear campaign of the victim rather than the victim sharing the truth about the narcissist. Or, they could be gaining something from the narcissist- money, favor, etc. Sometimes, they are victims of abuse by someone else, & when the victim speaks out against the narcissist, it triggers their own pain. These people will do anything to shut down the victim so they can continue denying their own pain. For victims in this situation, it’s best to avoid such people at all costs.
Let people think what they want. Closely related to the last paragraph, one valuable lesson I’ve learned from relationships with narcissists is to let people think what they want. Narcissists create their own version of victims that they believe is accurate. Their flying monkeys & those close to them will believe whatever the narcissists tell them to believe about their victims. No amount of work on the part of a victim can make any of these people believe anything they don’t want to believe. In fact, trying to convince them of the truth most likely will make them think the victim is crazy & treat the victim even worse. Why go through that? Let them think whatever they want, & live your life however works for you.
Of course, there are more things I’ve learned. What about you? What have you learned from your relationship with a narcissist?
Being no contact with a narcissistic parent is a heart wrenching, heart breaking, terrifying, liberating, peace bringing experience. People who haven’t experienced this truly don’t get that it is not only incredibly difficult, but brings so many conflicting & painful emotions. Thankfully, many people who don’t understand at least have enough empathy to realize it must be incredibly difficult being no contact with your own parent.
And then there are the other people.. *sigh*
Some people just can’t accept that a parent & their adult child don’t have a relationship. No matter who ended it, they blame the adult child. They say some of the most ridiculous, idiotic things imaginable trying to make that adult child feel guilty for not being in a relationship with her parent.
How do you deal with people like this?!
Unfortunately I have found no very successful ways to do so. If you’re very lucky, telling that person this topic isn’t up for discussion with you will be respected. They will drop the subject & you two won’t discuss it again. That seldom is the case though & you will need to take much more drastic measures.
If you’re having a conversation with someone who you have told you don’t want to discuss the matter with & that person ignores you, change the subject. Repeat as often as necessary. Be rude about it if that is the only thing that gets their attention. Tell them you are serious- this topic isn’t up for discussion, & if they continue, you are going to leave or hang up the phone, then follow through with your threat.
If you’re on social media, you can block this person from seeing certain posts of yours if you mention the topic of your parent. You may end up needing to remove them from your friend’s list if they are persistent. Worst case scenario is you can block them entirely so they see nothing you post nor can they contact you. A quick google search can tell you how to do this if you are unsure.
If they call or text you, there are ways to block their numbers so they are unable to reach you. There are numerous cell phone apps that can block numbers. I use one that enables you to create a black list of numbers that can’t call you or a white list that enables only numbers on that list to contact you. Personally I like the white list idea, because many people upon discovering a number has been blocked will try to reach you via other telephone numbers.
If someone emails you, block their email or change your email address, keeping the new one private.
I know these people are incredibly frustrating to deal with, Dear Reader, but you can do it!
I have the comments on my blog set up so that anyone who has commented previously can post comments with no problem. Anyone who hasn’t, their comments must be approved by me. Their comments are emailed to me & I either can select “approve” or do nothing & the comment sits in my “pending” folder until I approve or delete it. It’s a wonderful feature! It helps me eliminate spam or even abuse by my “lovely” family. It also helps me to eliminate the garden variety narcissist, flying monkey or invalidating person, which is the point of this post.
So, a few years back, I posted this post about how I was angry with my narcissistic mother. If you read the post, you’ll see that the reason for my anger was valid & even normal. The comments on the post show several people understood & validated my feelings. One person apparently did not agree with my feelings when reading the post a few months ago. This person hadn’t commented on any of my posts before, so it was a comment I had to review to approve or not before it would post. I read it & didn’t approve it. Only recently did I realize it was still in my “pending” folder. I approve almost every comment so there’s rarely a need to visit that folder, which is why this comment sat there for so long.
Upon realizing said comment was still in my pending folder recently, I was surprised. I figured I’d deleted it long ago. Oops.. yea, my memory is really bad. My first thought when I realized it was still there was to just delete it, but then I realized this could be a good teaching tool. Why not use it as such before deleting??
Without further ado, here is the comment….
I do not know you, or your family all. I found you through a search asking, “how a Christian can honor our narcissistic parents”. And the first article with that title I thought was kind of helpful—but I got a whiff of anger there. So, I went to your next article. And I just have to say that I’m not really seeing a Christian response. I am seeing a very human response. And I understand that response, believe me! My friend, I don’t believe you are walking in the victory I was hoping to find. I believe you are very bitter, and very angry. This blog post shows, now I’m being very honest here, because I do not know you, and I’m coming at this from the outside, you wrote the article—-and yet I do not believe that you are portrayed very favorably in this article! Not showing your mother the common courtesy of answering her greeting, does not seem Christlike. The Bible tells us to bless our enemies. Jesus said to bless our enemies and turn the other cheek. In that context I believe we must choose not to be offended, period. We answer to God for what we do in this life. Not for what was done to us. You are angry, (a sin according to Jesus himself) at everyone in this story, and bitterly vindictive. In your eyes you are the only faultless victim. We know what that thinking reflects when those around us act in that manner. Your whole life, certainly all your writing, seems to revolve around a passive/aggressive “outing” of all our family’s faults. In studying narcissism, I have read that this is a symptom of the disorder. When we become a Christian and except Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior over our lives, we give him our rights—because He put aside all of His rights to be the atonement for our sins. Now we belong to Him. We were bought by His precious blood! We give him our human frailties, and ask for the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and make us a new creature! This way we can have God‘s Holy nature, which is much stronger than our human nature; —the nature that is full of bitterness and anger. And then we can love people and see them the way God sees them. And the Holy Spirit can heal our hearts! And here is something you might not know: God is able to cure even a narcissist! I pray for you, that you can move on and out, away from anger and bitterness and accept your healing, and love like Jesus loves! Please pray for me too!
This sort of thing happens when you have survived narcissistic abuse. So many of us have heard it all before. Unfortunately, many of us also have internalized the faulty messages, which is unhealthy.
I decided to throw out some thoughts on these comments for your consideration…
Anger is not a sin. Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.” (AMP)
Even Jesus was angry at people who behaved badly. Matthew 21:12-13 “12 And Jesus entered the temple [grounds] and drove out [with force] all who were buying and selling [birds and animals for sacrifice] in the temple area, and He turned over the tables of the moneychangers [who made a profit exchanging foreign money for temple coinage] and the chairs of those who were selling doves [for sacrifice]. 13 Jesus said to them, “It is written [in Scripture], ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer’; but you are making it a robbers’ den.'” (AMP)
Discussing abuse isn’t a bad thing or sinful. Ephesians 4:15 “But speaking the truth in love [in all things—both our speech and our lives expressing His truth], let us grow up in all things into Him [following His example] who is the Head—Christ.” (AMP)
Forgiveness doesn’t mean “forgive & forget.” While Jesus did suggest we “turn the other cheek,” He also said this which proves that forgiveness doesn’t mean giving someone a free pass to be abusive: Matthew 18: 15-17 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens and pays attention to you, you have won back your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 17 If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile (unbeliever) and a tax collector.” (AMP)
Jesus didn’t tolerate things quietly & spoke openly of wrong doings. Matthew 3:7 “But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the [divine] wrath and judgment to come?” (AMP)
Matthew 12:34 “You brood of vipers, how can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.” (AMP)
By sharing this comment & my thoughts, I’m not trying to “out” the person who made the comment. If I was, I’d share the person’s name wouldn’t I? I’m also not being “passive/aggressive” or anything else. My purpose to this post was simply this: When a good example of something bad comes along, why not use it to help yourself & others when possible?!
When comments like this are made to a victim of narcissistic abuse, they can sound really good. Scripture was referred to, which can make any Christian rethink their actions. I certainly did when I first read it. After some prayer & thought though, I realized this person twisted Scripture around to use it in a bad way. And that, Dear Reader, is a very common tactic used by flying monkeys & other narcissists.
If someone says similar things to you that this person said to me, then please, don’t blindly accept it! You need wisdom & discernment! Consider the Scriptures used as they are in the Bible, not as a stand alone verse as the person uses them. Pray. Ask God to show you the truth. Think about what makes sense to you. Trust your instincts too. If something doesn’t feel quite right, then it most likely isn’t right. Even the most well meaning people can make mistakes. And, even the most innocent acting narcissist can be extremely manipulative.
Sometimes, narcissists &/or their flying monkeys go above & beyond in their abuse. They behave so outrageously or abuse a victim so often, a victim can’t cope. When this happens, it can thrust a victim into a state of shock.
I spent much of my late teens in shock due to the daily abuse from my mother, & it also happened during the last few months of my father’s life in 2017.
Being no contact with my parents never seemed to bother anyone until my father’s health started to decline. Once that happened, I was contacted by relatives (some I knew, some I did not), strangers (two police officers, my father’s barber, my parents’ neighbors) & acquaintances. Every single person had the same message- they shamed me for not having a relationship with my parents, commanded me to talk to them, to say goodbye to my father “so he could die in peace,” telling me I needed to forgive & forget, they’re the only parents I’ll ever have, I should go to them because “if I was a parent, I’d understand” how me staying away made him feel, & other similar, ludicrous statements.
The final twenty days of my father’s life while he was in the hospital were the worst. They included an excessive amount of abuse for me. Daily, I would receive a barrage of these cruel, heartless, shame/guilt inducing type messages & people I don’t even know telling me what they thought I should do with no interest in me. Since they kept finding ways around the blocks I’d put in place to send me messages, there truly was no escape. I ended up trying to save all messages without reading them for evidence in case I ever needed it, but even so, I couldn’t avoid seeing a small portion of the messages due to how email & social media messages are set up. I don’t use voicemail so I didn’t have to hear anyone’s voice at least.
The end result of all of this for me was shock.
Today it’s a little over 11 months since he passed away & I still feel some degree of shock.
Has this sort of thing happened to you too, Dear Reader? Have you ended up in a state of shock due to the sheer volume of or intensity of the abuse from the narcissist or flying monkeys in your life? If so, I have learned some things about this state that I believe can help you.
Don’t judge your feelings. Even if they seem strange to you, they’re there for a reason. Just accept that they have a purpose & don’t ignore them. You’ll figure out their purpose.
Don’t try to push yourself to get over this shock. It happened for a reason & that reason is because you’ve been subjected to some very serious trauma. The shock is protecting your mind from feeling all of the emotions at once. Let it do its job! It will diminish in time, as you’re more able to face the trauma(s).
If you start to feel overwhelmed, imagine yourself putting some emotions or traumatic incidents in boxes on a shelf. Deal with what you can however works best for you, & when you feel you have handled that, take that box off the shelf & deal with its contents. Once you’ve dealt with that, take down another box if you have a few on a shelf. If you can handle one thing at a time, it’ll be easier than trying to deal with multiple traumas at once. I think trying to face too many things at once is much like plate spinning!
Take good care of yourself. It can be hard to eat or not to eat too much when you’re upset. Try to maintain your normal eating habits as much as you can. If you’re one who doesn’t want to eat, make sure you take daily vitamins to help you get daily nutrients. You need to be healthy physically to handle emotional traumas.
Try to get as much rest as possible. Emotional healing is hard work & you will be exhausted!
Take it easy when you can. Sometimes time spent just staring at a good movie or sitting in the park watching people can be very restorative.
Spend time with your pets if you have them. Animals are amazing. They not only understand when their human is suffering but they know just what to do to help. Let your furbaby help you!
Talk to safe & supportive friends or loved ones. Write in your journal on those times you don’t feel like talking. Both of these things can help the shock dissipate by making the situations seem more real.
Avoid people who don’t “get it,” but especially at this time. They can make you feel even worse than you already do. This state of shock can make you feel super sensitive. Even if you normally can brush off someone’s lack of support & understanding, if you’re in that super sensitive place, you can’t. In fact, their words &/or actions may send you into a downward spiral of depression.
Most of all, cling to God. Your faith is what will help you more than anything to get through this awful time. When I was going through this trauma last year, I know there is no way I could’ve survived without God’s constant gentle, understanding & loving presence in my life. He helped me to maintain my sanity, not reach out to these abusive jerks & tell them off or seek revenge & to do exactly what His will was, which worked out beautifully in the end. He can & will do the same thing for you.
I have a major pet peeve that has developed as I’ve gotten older. When people blindly accept whatever they are told as truth. Even worse is when they repeat it to others. It simply makes no sense to believe everything you see or hear! It’s just not wise! The Bible states in Matthew 10:16 “I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. Be as wary as serpents and harmless as doves.” (TLB) I firmly believe that is a very smart way to live your life, wary as serpents & harmless as doves.
This may be the most bothersome to me in the perspective of people believing what narcissists tell them. So many blindly accept anything their narcissist says as if it’s written in stone, especially their lies about their victims. When I was growing up, my mother’s friends liked me. In my late teens when my mother got more & more abusive, suddenly, they no longer liked me. In fact, they wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. It wasn’t hard to figure out she was lying to them like she did to everyone else about me. It really made me wonder two things… 1- What on Earth did she tell these people about me?! 2- They knew me pretty well.. why on Earth did they believe her lies?!
I still wonder these same things today about anyone who blindly believes things they are told about other people & spread such stories.
Rather than doing those things, there are some things you really should consider…
When someone accuses another of bad behavior, remember that Revelations 12:10 says Satan is “the accuser of the brethren.” It’s possible that the person being accused didn’t even do what you’re being told that person did. The accuser simply could be doing Satan’s work by attempting to make this person look bad or ruin that person’s friendships.
Ask yourself not only if this person really did something, but if they indeed did the act, why would they do it. Look at my situation as an example. I have no contact with my elderly, widowed mother. That looks pretty bad. However, if you know my reasons, it makes sense. There is always more than one side to every story. Sometimes someone’s actions that look bad actually have a very good reason behind them.
If you are told something bad about another person, try taking it as a sign you need to pray for that person. Even if you don’t know exactly what to pray for, you can ask God to meet that person’s needs, save them if they aren’t saved, & let His will be done in the person’s life.
The Bible also clearly speaks against gossip & slander, so don’t participate it. The following Scriptures also could be an excellent reminder to a person who wants to talk badly about another person.:
- Jeremiah 9:8 “Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully; with his mouth each speaks peace to his neighbor, but in his heart he plans an ambush for him.” (ESV)
- Proverbs 11:13 “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” (NIV)
- 2 Corinthians 12:20 “For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.” (NIV)
- Romans 16:17-18 “17 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. 18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.” (ESV)
Clearly not all flying monkeys are narcissists. There are some well meaning people who are genuinely fooled by the narcissist you know. We’ve all been fooled by narcissists, so it’s understandable this happens. It’s hard to be too mad at them when you see their eyes begin to open & they realize that the narcissist isn’t that great person they thought they were.
Unfortunately though, I believe there are many flying monkeys who are covert narcissists. They enjoy torturing you on behalf of the narcissist while at the same time, making themselves look like the good guy who is just trying to help.
A huge red flag that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist flying monkey is when someone claims to care for or love you, but they don’t show any interest in you. They don’t care about what is happening in your life, what you’re proud of, what struggles you face, your needs, feelings, likes or dislikes. They only want to talk about the narcissist or what you need to do to fix that relationship.
When you try to talk to this person, they shut you down quickly, no matter the topic. They can accomplish this through interrupting you, making jokes at your expense or making you feel foolish for whatever it is you’re talking about. Or, this person may listen to you or read something you’ve written only to tell you that you’re wrong.
If you try to talk to this person about the narcissist in your life, you can guarantee this person will shut you down quickly & in whatever way they believe will make you feel the most ashamed. One of my parents’ flying monkeys was my Facebook friend for quite some time. She had a lot of confidence online, saying things she would never say to my face. She butted in on a conversation I had with someone else regarding my parents to say, “You need to get into therapy to figure out how you can fix things! Don’t you dare tell me it won’t work!” In a completely different conversation, I mentioned to someone else that although my father & I had virtually nothing in common, we did share a love of classic cars. The flying monkey said, “Honey, you need to figure out some things you two can share! You need to start finding things you two have in common right now!” I deleted the comment, & a few days later, she commented on another post with, “I know you don’t want to hear anything from mean old me, but I think you should….” (I forget what the topic was she felt she needed to advise me on). I knew what she was about by this point, so her behavior didn’t manipulate me. It only made me angry she said the ridiculous things she did.
Covert narcissist flying monkeys also play dumb very well. They may claim that they don’t know why you’re angry with the narcissist. They try to get you to confide in them about the problem, saying it’s because they care for you, when the truth is they’ll only run to the narcissist with anything you say. And, if you sever ties with this person, they may ignore the fact you’ve blocked their phone number, email address & social media & find other ways to contact you “just to say hi”. Their message most likely will appear sickeningly sweet. The flying monkey I mentioned earlier? Her message like this called me “sweetie” & was signed, “love you.” She never called me sweetie any other time, so yes, I took that as a red flag.
So why do these covertly narcissistic flying monkeys act this way? I think they have what they consider to be excellent reasons.
They want to prove to you that narcissistic behavior is OK, & there is something wrong with you for thinking otherwise. If they can convince you of that, they can control you as can the narcissist for whom they’re the flying monkey.
Also, if they can convince you that narcissistic behavior is acceptable, then they think they can convince you that you should do all the work in the relationship with them & the other narcissist. If you feel obligated in that way, a narcissist has it made. They can get you to do anything at all they want.
These flying monkeys are extremely devious & convincing. You need to be fully aware of what they’re up to in order to protect yourself against their mental warfare.
Sometimes narcissists & their flying monkeys can be incredibly devious, even after you are no contact with them. One way they like to mess with their victims after no contact is initiated is to use very subtle ways to let victims know they can’t stop the narcissist or flying monkey from contacting them. In fact, they remind me of Glenn Close’s character in the 1987 movie “Fatal Attraction.” Do you remember the movie? In it, she had an affair with Michael Douglas who was married to someone else. He tried to break off the affair & she pretty much went crazy. She showed up at his & his wife’s apartment in one scene. He confronted her later at her apartment, & said she had to leave him alone. She said she wouldn’t be ignored, then, “What am I supposed to do? You won’t take my calls & you changed your number!” Seems oddly familiar to me…
As I’ve said before, I believe most flying monkeys are also narcissists, so for convenience sake, I’ll refer to them & narcissists as narcissists in this post.
Some narcissists send cards for special days like birthdays, anniversaries or holidays even after no contact. No doubt they hope to ruin your special day. It also is impossible to avoid receiving things in the mail, so it’s their subtle way to tell you that you can’t ignore them. If they want to contact you, they can, & you can’t prevent them from doing it. Sure, you can mark the envelope, “return to sender”, but the fact is even if you do that, they know you’ve seen their mail which will make them quite happy. In this situation, I save the unopened envelope for documentation in case I need it for any reason.
There are also those who reach out to you from phone numbers or other accounts that you haven’t blocked or will create new accounts or get a new number. This is just one more subtle way for these abusive narcissists to show you that you can’t tell them what to do- if they want to contact you, they will do so. Block this access as well! Let them know by your actions that you will NOT respond to them, period. If they are very persistent, you’ll probably end up feeling like you’re trying to plug holes in a sinking boat. I’ve been there & can tell you that is an awful feeling. But, keep plugging the holes! Don’t give in & talk to them! Remember, you’re no contact for good reason!
When these narcissists are able to get through to you, they may act like nothing is wrong, like you never initiated no contact in the first place. Their tone will be light & happy. They may call you “sweetheart” or other nicknames, even if they never used the nickname with you before. They may off non-apologies such as “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings last time we spoke. I was just upset.” Or, they may make excuses for their behavior. Don’t be fooled!! Nice nicknames don’t mean they have changed, & neither do lame excuses & non-apologies. If at all possible, don’t read their messages. You may want to save them for documentation in case you decide to look into pressing charges against them for harassment, however.
Narcissists often like to use the phone as a weapon. Granted, you can block their number, but they still can use other phones to call you or block their number when calling. If at all possible, don’t answer your phone unless you have no doubt who is calling you. You also may wish to stop using voicemail. I don’t use it at all on my home or cell phone because I don’t even want to hear the voice of a narcissist calling. Hearing that person’s voice can be triggering & upsetting, & this is an easy way to avoid that.
Another typical tactic narcissists use when calling is to let the phone ring & ring. One flying monkey of my mother’s let my home phone ring for about five minutes straight one evening. Or, they may call back many times in a short window of time. Or both. These tactics can be incredibly frustrating. I always felt like I wanted to pick up the phone & verbally rip these people apart for this ridiculous behavior. That also would’ve been the absolute worst possible thing to do. Instead, let the phone ring & ignore it. Shut off the ringer if it helps you. Whatever you do, do NOT take that call! A person who employs these tactics is basically a bully, trying to force you to do what they want, which is take their call. If you give in, they will know this tactic works & do it again & again. They also will see that they have the ability to pressure you into doing what they want, so they will do other things to attempt to force you to do their bidding.
Never, ever give narcissists what they want. The more you deprive them of their precious narcissistic supply, the better your chances they will leave you alone at some point.
Narcissists, as we all know, are all about procuring narcissistic supply. Anything or anyone that props up their self-esteem is a good thing. Naturally this also means that anything or anyone that damages their self-esteem is a foul, evil thing deserving of the most intense hatred imaginable due to the narcissistic injury it caused.
Ending a relationship with a narcissist is possibly the most grievous of narcissistic injuries. Even when a person isn’t a narcissist, it hurts when someone ends the relationship they had with you. You grieve & move on in time. Not so with narcissists. There is nothing normal about them, especially when it comes to someone ending a relationship with them.
Narcissists see this as the person being ungrateful, selfish, wrong, stupid & more. They don’t see that their actions forced the person to sever ties with them- they only see that you were unreasonable & cruel to them, & should be punished.
Many awful things can take place once a victim leaves a narcissist. You need to be prepared for these likely scenarios.
Being fake. Don’t fall for the good guy/girl act- the narcissist is only being nice in an attempt to lure you back into relationship. If you go back, the niceness won’t last long. That apology? Was it really sincere or a fake apology? “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.” “I’m sorry I did that but you made me act that way when you…” are not real apologies! Genuine apologies show the person accepts responsibility for their actions. They show the person apologizing is remorseful & wants to make it up to you if possible. They don’t make excuses.
Harassment or stalking. Narcissists love to stalk & harass. They may drive past your home constantly, show up at places you frequent, or bully you online or through texts. Even if you block their email or cell phone number, they often find ways around your boundaries just to prove they’re in control. I was harassed by a narcissist for several years. Early on, I blocked her home IP address from accessing my website, & she used another computer to copy an article on there I wrote about forgiveness & email it to me. Talk about unsettling! It showed me how determined this person was to let me know she would do whatever she wanted, no matter what I wanted or didn’t want.
Unfortunately in most states, laws haven’t caught up to cyberstalking, so your legal recourse may be limited. Even with stalking in real life, it can be hard to prove sometimes. Whether you can get the law involved or not, document EVERYTHING. It’s always good to have that documentation in case you need it to prove a pattern of behavior. Save texts, emails or screen shots in a safe place, like an online storage cloud. Computers & cell phones die, & you don’t want all your documentation to be lost.
Smear campaign. Always a favorite tool of narcissists, is the smear campaign. You doing so means they may be exposed for the evil monster that they are, so they need to do something to prevent that from happening. If they can convince other people that you are mentally unbalanced, a drug addict, or vengeful, the chances of people believing them over you are much greater. Especially so if things are said in the guise of concern. “I worry about her.. she does some pretty heavy drugs yanno…”
There really isn’t anything to do about a smear campaign. If you defend yourself, chances are the person you’re speaking with will think that is proof that the narcissist is right. You really are crazy, on drugs, etc. The best thing you can do is allow your character to show. You go on being the good person you are. Those who believe the narcissist really aren’t your friends anyway. True friends don’t blindly believe bad things about their friends no matter who says them.
Flying monkeys/triangulation. Another favorite tool of narcissists is getting other people to do their dirty work for them. This provides a potential for a double dose of narcissistic supply. Getting someone to do as the narcissist commands is always good, but getting them to get someone else to do the narcissist’s will? Amazing!
Resist the attempts to manipulate you back into relationship with the narcissist. Refuse to discuss the narcissist with this person. Change the subject when they discuss this person, repeatedly & even rudely if need be. You may find out this person is extremely devoted to the narcissist, & you need to end that relationship as well. Unfortunately, it happens often.
Not only do narcissists want to silence their victims, but their flying monkeys want to do so as well. This post will explain some of the ways they accomplish that.
Flying monkeys use some of the same topics as narcissists. Personally, I believe that is because many of them are also narcissists, frequently covert. I say this because it’s obvious that they gain something from being flying monkeys, & I think that something is narcissistic supply. Often, they get to look like a good person, just trying to help, which is something that is extremely attractive to covert narcissists. They’re also very manipulative, which describes all narcissists. If they can get you to do what they want, they’re also obviously thrilled about that, & I think that is because it’s narcissistic supply. Any time a narcissist can control another person, it makes them feel powerful, which gives them narcissistic supply.
One thing flying monkeys do to silence victims is invalidate them. They have complete disregard for the victim’s pain, & have no trouble letting victims know that. Invalidation quickly shuts a person down. A frequently invalidated person feels like no one would want to hear anything they say because they are wrong, stupid or even crazy.
Another thing flying monkeys do is shaming their victims. They do their best to make victims feel ashamed of themselves for being upset that the narcissist abused them. They remind the victim that this is the only mother they’ll ever have, or remind the victim that her parents are elderly & won’t be around much longer. If the victim has gone no contact with the narcissist in their life, there will be shaming for that too. Flying monkeys may say things like, “After all that person did for you…” “That kind of behavior isn’t honoring your mother or father! If you’re a Christian like you claim to be, you would…” “The Bible said God hates divorce.. you should work things out with him!” If they can make you feel enough shame, you will suffer in silence, not confronting the narcissist or discussing the abuse she put you through with anyone.
Flying monkeys are also good with gaslighting. They will let you know that they don’t believe you. Things couldn’t have happened that way or they didn’t happen at all. They accuse you of lying or at the very least exaggerating. Anyone who they can make doubt themselves enough won’t confront the narcissist or reveal the abuse. Why would they if they are unsure of what really happened?
Triangulation is another common toll flying monkeys use. They will recruit the services of other flying monkeys to gang up on you. If you stop speaking to one flying monkey, then a friend or relative of that one may contact you with the same messages as the original flying monkey. The goal is to have as many people as possible give you the same message so you will do their will. This even can apply to silencing victims.
Flying monkeys also love bullying, & can do it in many ways. I think the most common is to call, text & email a person constantly in an attempt to wear them down so they do the flying monkey’s bidding. One of my father’s flying monkeys & I were once on friendly terms. She eventually got mad & stopped speaking to me. I later blocked her on Facebook in case she had any thoughts of wanting to contact me. When she couldn’t reach me there, she emailed me & also used her dead mother’s Facebook to send me a message. Others have called my home, letting the phone ring for several minutes straight or called back many times in a short period of time or both. One of my mother’s flying monkeys once called my home three times in a row, letting the phone ring between 20 & 30 times each time she called. My phone rang almost non stop for 5 minutes straight! If a person can be worn down like this, then certainly that person can be forced to do anything the flying monkey wants, which is why they find this weapon so effective.
Flying monkeys also experience a narcissistic rage, because as I mentioned earlier, I believe they are also narcissists. The rage of an overt narcissist is different than a covert one, one is very loud & abrasive while the other is quieter & slyly manipulative, but the end result is the same- no one wants to be on the receiving end of any narcissistic rage. If a flying monkey finds out that you have confronted their narcissist or damaged their reputation by telling others of the abuse you have endured, rage will come upon you & it will be ugly. The hope is the rage will be ugly enough to stop you from doing what you did ever again. I’ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic rage of two flying monkeys for things other than them wanting to shut me up, but I can tell you, the rage is definitely enough to make you want to do anything to avoid it in the future! I was fortunate enough that they weren’t in my presence when it happened, they both sent me emails, so I didn’t have to read what was said. Unfortunately though, my email provider lists mail so you not only see who the mail is from & the subject line, but a little of the content of the email. The little I saw was very painful. One flying monkey attacked me for being “a bad Christian” & the other told me what a terrible daughter I am. Not nice stuff.
Smear campaigns are an extremely common tool of narcissists & their flying monkeys. If nothing they have done to silence you works, the smear campaign is their last resort. They will talk trash about you to every single person they talk to, from their best friend to their hairdresser. Everyone they meet will know what a terrible person you are, even if they have to make up wild accusations to make that happen. Smear campaigns serve two purposes. One is simple revenge. You made the flying monkey’s narcissist look bad, so the flying monkey wants to make you look bad. The other purpose is to discredit you, so if you tell anyone the flying monkey knows about the narcissist’s abusive ways, you won’t be believed.
Just remember, Dear Reader, you don’t have to be silenced. You have every right to speak about whatever you want & to confront whoever you feel needs confronting. Don’t let anyone stop you!
I got quite the surprise this past Christmas. A letter from my parents’ attorney arrived in the mail two days before Christmas.
Pretty special, huh? Notice it was sent both regular & certified mail.
I’m sharing this not only for entertainment value (really- how bizarre is this?!) but also to remind you that there is no low that is too low for any narcissist & to help you to cope when things like this happen to you.
To cope, you need to think logically not emotionally. You certainly will need to deal with the anger or hurt or whatever you feel, of course, but when trying to find the best way to deal with a bad situation, it’s best to leave emotions out of it as they can cloud your judgement. Look at the problem from all angles & ask God for help figuring out ways to cope. One way that might help is if you think of the problem as if a friend came to you with it- what would you tell that friend?
Also trying to understand the motivation behind the actions, because that can help you. I firmly believe everything narcissists do boils down to gaining narcissistic supply. Once I realized that, it helped me not to be as hurt or angered (because what they did wasn’t personal- it was to benefit them), or to be manipulated.
To show what I’m talking about, I thought I’d share my thoughts about this letter:
Notice the timing.. as I said, this arrived two days before Christmas, the last possible day to get anything in the mail before Christmas day. Growing up, I loved Christmas. My mother thinks I still do, & never believed that I have grown to hate it. It’s safe to assume the timing was an attempt to ruin my holiday. If she thinks she ruined my holiday, that’s narcissistic supply.
Check out the wording in the letter. The lawyer could have mentioned asking me about the car on my mother’s behalf without the attempt to manipulate me & the comments such as “accept this as a heartfelt expression of her love.” Totally unnecessary. That was flying monkey behavior which means it has no basis in truth & reality. Why should I take anything he said seriously under such circumstances?!
Also.. as I said, it came from an attorney. Seems obvious to me that was meant to shake me up a bit. Who wouldn’t be upset seeing a letter from an attorney in their mailbox & then a notice it was also sent certified mail prior to learning the contents of the letter?! More potential narcissistic supply for my mother- upsetting me.
I also think it’s safe to assume that being from her attorney was an attempt by my mother to force me to deal with her. Manipulation attempt/more narcissistic supply.
When I first got this letter, it did shake me up, I’ll admit it. I was livid my mother would go to this extent to try to get me in touch with her when it’s very clear I want no parts of her in my life. But, after some time to pray, calm down & think clearer, I realized the things I mentioned. This letter wasn’t a huge deal like it felt like at first. It simply was my mother’s means of attempting to manipulate me & gain her precious supply. Realizing all of this meant I was able to relax & decide the best way to handle the situation properly.
Dear Reader, I’m sure if you haven’t faced some especially low behavior from the narcissist in your life, you will. It’s how they operate. When that happens, please consider this post. Deal with your emotions but not while trying to consider how to handle the situation. Pray & use logic. It will help you to understand what’s happening, which will enable you to come up with the best solution.
Oh, & if you’re interested.. I did write back to the attorney about a week later. All I said was “Regarding your recent letter about my mother, I don’t want my father’s car.” I decided that I should respond rather than take a chance of my mother finding other ways to harass me about this situation, since I’ve had enough harassment to last a lifetime. I did so in my own timing, however, to let her know she can’t make me do anything her way. I also decided it’d be best to acknowledge NONE of the flying monkey nonsense or say anything that could be read into, which is why my entire “letter” lasted ONE sentence. 🙂
During the last few months of my father’s life I realized something about narcissists & flying monkeys. They are an incredibly determined, persistent bunch, & that doesn’t end with no contact.
With most people, when someone ends a relationship, they stop calling, emailing, or trying to contact that person in any way. They don’t try to bully or harass the person into speaking with them again, stalk them or send other people to “try to talk some sense” into them. Instead, even though they may be hurting a great deal, they leave the person alone & move on with their life.
This isn’t so with narcissists & their flying monkeys.
One narcissist I severed ties with harassed me for several years. (In fact, I’m not sure she’s done with me yet, because she’ll go for months with no contact, then suddenly she will do something out of the blue.) I immediately blocked her on social media, blocked her email, blocked her phone number, & figured it was done. Not even close! She emailed me through my website, & when I saw that, I found out her IP address & blocked that. She then used other people’s computers to contact me through my website! She even contacted me that way when my father was dying to tell me I was a narcissist. No low is too low for a true narcissist, & they do love to strike when you’re hurting already.
Other similar things happened when my father was dying. My mother tried calling repeatedly, in spite of me blocking her phone number (my phone shows when a blocked number has tried to call). She also sent me notes in the mail. Some people I don’t even know beyond the simple fact we’re somehow distantly related wouldn’t leave me alone either. As soon as they called or messaged me, I blocked them, & they would find a different way to contact me, so I would have to block that way too. One person used her dead mother’s Facebook account to contact me. I had to block a dead woman on Facebook as a result of that!
If you have gone or are considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, this sort of thing may happen to you as well. I’m not trying to dissuade you from going no contact- you have to do what you believe is right in your situation. I am simply trying to forewarn you of what may happen so you can prepare yourself.
If you haven’t done so, block not only the narcissist’s means of contacting you but also her flying monkeys. Block everything you can- phone number, email, social media. The truly determined will find alternative ways to reach you, so be prepared for that. Don’t take phone calls if you don’t recognize the number on your caller ID or ones that say “anonymous” or “blocked number.” Anyone can block their number temporarily, so why take chances?
Also, blocking apps may not be 100% useful. The one I found for my cell phone showed in my notifications that I received a blocked call or text. And, the entire text would show up! Not really helpful since I didn’t want to see any texts at all!
You also may end up being contacted by strangers. The narcissist’s neighbor, pastor or distant cousin may be a flying monkey. Remember names, so when you see names on your caller ID, you know who that person is. Or, if you only see the number, use a reverse phone number website to check out the number before you answer it.
Speaking of phones, I also don’t think voicemail is a good idea. Hearing a narcissist’s voice can be very triggering, or they or the flying monkeys could leave you vile messages that you don’t need to hear. Better not to give them the option & to protect your mental health by not using voicemail, I think. This may not be everyone’s favorite solution since most folks use it, but I personally have found it very helpful.
Narcissists & their flying monkeys don’t like to take no for an answer, so don’t be surprised if they show up at your home. Keep your doors locked at all times & post a “no trespassing” sign. Not that they respect your boundary with the sign, but it helps if you have to ask the police to remove them to have that sign. The police won’t be so quick to remove someone from your property without that sign.
You may get postal mail. You need to know the person sending it well enough to know if you should mark it “return to sender” & send it back or not. Some may get discouraged quickly with their mail being returned, others will use it to gain pity & narcissistic supply so you’re better off not returning their mail.
And, if you do get mail, remember that you don’t have to read it. That is your choice what you do with it. You can read it, throw it away, or put it aside to read at a future date. You are in complete control of how you handle that.
Don’t be surprised if the narcissist wants to offer you a gift, something you would like to have or that you need. It’s only an attempt to lure you back into the relationship, so do NOT take it!! There would be too many strings attached! Instead, trust God to meet that need or desire.
Narcissists or flying monkeys may apologize to you in their attempts to contact you. Before you accept that apology, study it. Is it a real apology? Is the person saying “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong” or offering excuses like “I was upset when I said that” or accepting full responsibility for their actions & discussing details? If you’d like more details on what a real apology versus a fake apology looks like, I wrote about the narcissistic apology in this post. Do NOT accept a fake apology or else the relationship will return to the abusive nightmare it was prior to going no contact.
If the narcissist &/or flying monkeys harass you, it can take a surprising toll on you. It’s shocking how exhausting, depressing & anxiety inducing this sort of behavior can be. Don’t judge yourself if you feel these things! Just take good care of yourself. Do what self care things help you as often as you can. Pray. Talk to supportive & safe people about what you feel. Journal about it. And always remember, whatever you do, do NOT let the narcissist or flying monkeys know you feel the way you do. It provides them with narcissistic supply so they’ll continue doing it just to get that supply. Let them think you barely noticed everything they have done.
When something happens with a narcissist, either an argument or you go no contact with them, they almost always start a smear campaign against you.
A smear campaign is when the narcissist tells anyone who will listen how cruel & unreasonable you were to her, how she doesn’t understand how you can treat her this way after all she did for you & other similar nonsense. She may even add in lies, such as you’re mentally unstable or an addict to discredit you to the listener.
It’s only normal to want to defend yourself against such nonsense. It hurts when people believe these lies, especially when those people are close to you. Any normal person would want to convince those people that what the narcissist said about you was nothing but lies. However, this is not a good idea!
By speaking out against the narcissist’s lies, it only serves to convince those who believe the lies that the narcissist is right. They think you are crazy, jealous, bitter, unreasonable or other awful things that the narcissist said you are. It’s not fair, but it’s how this situation works almost every single time.
The only way to defend yourself successfully against a narcissist’s smear campaign is not to defend yourself. Although it sounds counterproductive, please hear me out.
Everything narcissists do boils down to them trying to gain narcissistic supply. Any strong reaction from you, whether it’s positive or negative provides them with supply. By creating this smear campaign, they are hoping to provoke anger & even hatred from you since that would provide supply.
The smear campaign is also done to discredit you in case you start speaking about the things the narcissist did to you. If they can make people think you’re crazy, unreasonable, etc., people won’t believe what you say about the narcissist. The narcissist’s reputation will be protected while yours is ruined, if the campaign goes as well as they expect it to.
By living your life as if nothing is happening, you’re depriving the narcissist of her precious narcissistic supply, which means she will get bored with you & leave you alone at some point. You also are creating doubt in those who believe the smear campaign. They will see that you act as a normal person, & start to wonder if the narcissist is really right about what she said. You sure don’t seem crazy, unstable, etc. like the narcissist said. Maybe what she said about you isn’t true after all. In fact, the narcissist’s mask may fall off entirely, & others will see the monster under the mask.
So remember, Dear Reader, when this happens to you (& it will at some point if you’ve had a narcissist in your life), ignore the smear campaign! Although it bothers you, never let that show. Vent to safe people close to you, journal about your feelings & as always, pray, but do not let your hurt, anger or frustration show to anyone involved in the smear campaign!
So much information preaches no contact. They say it’s the only solution for dealing with a narcissist & you’re naive if you think otherwise, so just do it already! It fixes everything!
To a degree, this is true. Usually no contact is the only solution since it’s not like narcissists are prone to change or willing to work on creating a mutually beneficial, healthy relationship.
There is one thing no one mentions though- that no contact needs to be done only after you are 1,000% sure you can do it indefinitely, no matter what.
If you go no contact with a narcissist then later resume the relationship, things will NOT go well with you! Sure, they might for a short time, but it won’t last.
If a narcissist is able to lure you back into the relationship, you are showing that you’re weak & have no boundaries. She sees you as easy prey. The same thing goes if you initiate contact again after a period of no contact. Once you go no contact, you need to stay no contact for good, no matter what!
In 1993, I went no contact with my mother. It was a foolish move on my part. I gave into the frequent pressure of my ex husband & told her to get out of my life during an argument. It wasn’t a well thought out move on my part. A few months later I ran into my parents at a local mall & when my mother told me I needed to come to her home soon after, I blindly obeyed. It was a huge mistake! My mother knew I had no boundaries to speak of & she could treat me like dirt without repercussions.
In 2001, I went no contact with her again. This time, it lasted until 2007 when I allowed my mother back in my life. It was better at first, but that is because I’d been working on my healing. I also had learned about boundaries. Even so, it wasn’t long & my mother was back to treating me terribly. The verbal abuse was much more intense, more so than it had been prior to going no contact.
I’ve heard similar stories of this happening from many people. They went no contact, then resumed the relationship & although it may have been nice for a short time, it quickly turned even worse than it once was.
If you’re considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, I would like to urge you today to seriously consider it. I’m not saying don’t do it, & stay in the relationship, of course. That decision is yours & no one should tell you what to do in that regard. I’m just saying be absolutely 1,000% positive that if you opt for no contact, once you do it, nothing can lure you back into the relationship.
Think about all aspects of being no contact. What if the narcissist suddenly became an invalid or terminally ill- would you have the strength to continue to stay no contact under such circumstances? What if flying monkeys come at you from every direction- do you feel you could withstand whatever they throw at you or would you cave in, & contact the narcissist? If the narcissist in your life is a parent or other relative, could you handle seeing that person at family gatherings & avoiding a scene if she starts one? You may lose relationships with those people you & the narcissist both know- will you be OK with that? You will be betrayed, unfortunately- it’s a given. Some people you think love you & will understand won’t understand. Can you cope with that kind of pain? Can you protect yourself however necessary if the narcissist begins to stalk & harass you, or has the flying monkeys do it?
I know these topics are incredibly difficult to think about, but you absolutely need to do so before deciding on no contact.
Sadly, no contact often the best choice you can make. However it should never be done lightly. If you’re considering going no contact, don’t do it after a big fight or even after an especially pleasant conversation with the narcissist. Think & pray about it after you’ve had some time apart from the narcissist so you can think clearly. Ask God what you should do & listen for His answer.
If you feel you want to go no contact but are unable to at this time for whatever reason, that’s fine. Listen to God- His timing is always perfect! In the meantime, do your best with refusing to provide any narcissistic supply (also known as the Gray Rock Method) & enforcing healthy boundaries. While a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly difficult, it’s better to hang in there for a short time longer than to go no contact & be lured back in at a future date. I promise you that!
So, Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please consider what I’ve said in this post. Pray & think long & hard about going no contact before you do it. Think about all kinds of scenarios that could arise, even down to the death of the narcissist. And, know you may still be surprised by the lows of the narcissist & her flying monkeys, no matter how thoroughly you try to think things out. It’ll be hard to do but it really will help you in the long run.
Recently, I posted a message to those who support narcissists, their flying monkeys. That post got a lot of attention. There are a lot of flying monkeys out there & even more people wanting to learn about them.
I’m sure many people who deal with flying monkeys also feel guilt or second guess their decision to go no contact with their narcissist. We all do at first. It’s normal. This post is for those of you feeling that way, to help you to see exactly why you shouldn’t feel any guilt or second guess yourself when the flying monkeys come knocking on your door.
Most flying monkeys are covert narcissists, getting their own narcissistic supply from trying to manipulate you on behalf of your narcissist. And, being true to their narcissistic nature, they’re only interested in themselves. Do you really think someone who refuses to consider anyone but themselves is capable of giving any good advice?
Flying monkeys are incredibly bossy. They think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell you what to do, even if they don’t know you or haven’t spoken to you in years. Why listen to someone who is not only incredibly rude but also obviously uncaring about others? Do you really think someone like that has your best interests at heart?
There’s also the fact that flying monkeys only know what the narcissist has told them about your situation. This means what they think are facts are lies, since narcissists lie about everything, especially if there’s a chance they can make themselves look good & someone else look bad. How can someone who knows no truth of your complex situation give you sound advice about it?
Flying monkeys also never ask for your side of the story. Rarely, they may say they want you to talk to them about it, but if you say anything, they tell you that you’re wrong & why. This clearly proves the flying monkey isn’t interested in the truth or this relationship being healthy! They simply want to manipulate you into resuming the relationship with the narcissist as it was, abuse & all.
They want you to subject yourself to abuse by being in a relationship with a narcissist. How does that make any sense!? It is a sick, twisted, & evil person who wants another person to be abused! Normal people want others to be happy & safe, not abused.
Another thing to consider: why do flying monkeys think your well-being is so unimportant anyway? What makes these people think that the narcissist is so much more important than you?
Flying monkeys also think you’re the one that needs to fix this. How? Who knows? They don’t even know how you can do that, but they still think you should know & fix it. Besides, how can only one person fix any relationship? Any person with more than three brain cells knows that it takes two to make a relationship work, not one. One person alone can’t make it happen!
Dear Reader, after reading this I hope you see why you have no valid reasons to feel guilty or second guess yourself when the flying monkeys come after you. You do whatever you believe is right in order to protect yourself! Narcissistic abuse is incredibly destructive & painful- NO ONE should tolerate it no matter what & who thinks they should, even if it’s because the abuser is “family”.
I always said I’d keep my writing real & I’m doing that with this post. Be forewarned, it’ll be ugly because I’m very angry as I write this. It also isn’t going to be pretty or succinct, but it’s going to be real.
**note- this post had to be edited for clarity before publishing. For a short time after a flashback, my brain doesn’t work very well. I made tons of spelling errors & unclear thoughts when I first wrote this post. I needed a couple of days to recover then correct this post before publishing. Although I wanted this post to be 100% real, that wasn’t quite possible if the post was to be readable. I did maintain the thoughts & original message, I just prettied it up. This post isn’t indicative of how coherent I am after a flashback. Thanks for understanding!**
This was just going to be a journal entry, but I felt instead I should make it a blog entry. It felt important enough to put out there for the world to see & to rearrange my scheduled posts so this will post in just a couple of days. When I prayed about this, God told me, “It needs to be said.” So, I’m saying it.
A little while ago, I was watching “Law & Order SVU”. One of the detectives was talking to a young woman about statutory rape. That phrase triggered a flashback as soon as I heard it.
When I was 17 & trying to date my now ex husband, my overt narcissistic mother’s abuse was at its peak. She didn’t like him, & was determined to keep us apart at any cost. One of the many cruel things she did during that time was accuse me of things I wasn’t doing, including having sex. She was absolutely obsessed with that topic, thinking I was having sex not only with my ex but a LOT of guys at our high school, including the entire football team. Anyway one day during one of her many daily screaming fits at me, she told me that since my ex was six months younger than me, she could easily have me arrested for statutory rape for having sex with him. I can’t describe the blind fear that put in me. Not because I was actually doing anything, but because I was certain that the police would believe her. She had about everyone we knew convinced I was nothing but a promiscuous juvenile delinquent. I couldn’t believe the police would think otherwise. It also made me wonder exactly what else she was capable of.
As I was writing this in my journal, trying to process this abuse, I also had another thought. I thought about people who blindly support narcissists. They need to know things like this, things the person they’re so devoted to is capable of doing. If you know someone who is on a narcissist’s side, then by all means, feel free to show them this post if you think it’ll make a difference!
The rest of this post is directed at them.
Dear supporter of a narcissist:
Think for a moment about what I shared above. My own mother threatened to have me arrested for something I wasn’t even doing. And, this is just one example of how she abused me. She screamed at me for hours every single day, telling me what a terrible person I was, I was stupid, ugly, a disappointment & so much more. She didn’t just say it, although that would’ve been bad enough. She literally screamed it repeatedly each & every day several times a day. She often was so close I could feel her breath on my face. (To this day, I still get panicky if I feel someone’s breath on me thanks to her.) My ears would ring after she stopped screaming, because she was so loud. Many narcissistic parents do the same kinds of things my mother did to me to their children. How can you support a person who is capable of doing this to their own child?! Do you honestly think that person is truly worthy of your loyalty?
Not only did my mother abuse me daily, but my covert narcissist father did nothing to stop it. When I told him, he would say something about the way she treated me was hard on him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. As if failing to protect me wasn’t quite enough, he also wanted me to comfort him instead of him comforting & protecting me like any decent parent would do. This is abusive & it’s pure evil, treating your own child this way, yet many covert narcissists do this & more. Why does someone like this deserve any of your respect, loyalty & devotion??
Here we are, almost 30 years after the threat of being arrested & the daily scream-fests. I’m still dealing with it & countless other similar incidents. Thanks to the abuse I endured, I have C-PTSD, which means have flashbacks on a pretty regular basis. Today’s was not an isolated incident. Anxiety & depression often get so bad that I can’t even leave my home. My moods are a roller coaster & it takes a LOT of strength not to yell at my husband or cry on him most days even though he’s not the cause of the mood swings. I have nightmares more nights than not, when I can finally get to sleep that is. Usually, even with sleep aids, I still have trouble falling & staying asleep. We won’t even discuss how pitiful my short term memory or my comprehension are thanks to C-PTSD. Many adult children of narcissists also suffer with C-PTSD because of being abused by the people who were supposed to love & protect them- their parents. We are the ones who deserve love & support, not the abusive, wicked narcissists who derive pleasure from hurting others, even their own kids!
Meanwhile, like most narcissistic parents, my parents tell people they don’t know what’s wrong with me. (They obviously didn’t care enough to listen when I told them during our last conversations why I was upset with them, even though I was in tears.) They don’t get why don’t I call or visit or take care of them. The simple truth is I had to get away from them to protect what’s left of my sanity & protect myself from further abuse. I just couldn’t take any more. My mother made it easy by removing herself from my life last year. My father wasn’t far behind. I just saved him the trouble by going no contact before he did.
And as if all of this wasn’t bad enough, then there are many people out there who defend these evil narcissistic people & invalidate their victims! They say victims need to get over it, fix things with their parents, use guilt laden phrases like “your parent won’t be around forever yanno!” (they must have forgotten many children die before their parents) or simply don’t believe them. Talk about a slap in the face! It’s just one more incident of abuse heaped on the pile. Discrediting a victim especially when you don’t know the facts is abuse! It’s invalidation!
People who blindly side with someone when two people are having problems are acting incredibly foolishly. It makes no sense to side with one person while not knowing all of the facts! It’s even worse when the side chosen is the side that enables & encourages a person to abuse their own child, no matter what the child’s age! Unless a person is truly naive enough to be duped by a narcissist, the only reason a person would do such a thing (that I can fathom anyway) is they get a thrill from abusing the victim like the narcissist does. I believe there are many wicked people like that, which is partly why I refuse to engage with anyone who shows me they are on the side of someone who is clearly abusive, in particular to me.
Does this describe you? If you are reading this & offended, I’m sorry- I don’t want to offend anyone. But, I do want to get people to think & one way to do that is to spell out the ugly truth. If someone you know has told you they’re being abused, don’t brush them off! Most people don’t make up lies like this. It takes a lot of courage to admit you’re being abused, especially by a parent. Don’t think that parent is too nice & couldn’t possibly be abusive either. All abusers have a public persona & a private one. Appearing “nice” in public is a way to make sure no one believes a victim. They aren’t genuinely nice. Don’t be naive enough to think otherwise.
As you saw in my last post, my life has been rather interesting to say the least lately.
I thought about how my father has gotten several people & even the police to come after me about contacting him. Since many narcissists are very similar, I thought I’d share some things narcissists do to recruit flying monkeys. That way when you see these behaviors in another person, you easily can discern what is going on.
- Narcissists are always victims in situations when someone has gone no contact with them. My father has the victim role down to an art form. Now that he’s pushing 80 & has a lot of serious health concerns, people are going to feel sorry for him even more readily. I have no doubt he’s used that to his advantage.
- Narcissists fake concern. My father told some folks he’s worried about me since I never answer my phone (I blocked his number). Who wouldn’t pity a sick, elderly man who says that?? By showing concern, they look like a good person & the victim looks bad.
- It’s all about them. They talk about what they want, think or feel. “I just want to talk to her” “I want to marry him” There is no regard for what the other person wants.
- Narcissists also never mention anything they’ve done. They explain someone won’t talk to them, & how mean the person is for not speaking to them, but they never mention the sheer hell they put that person through that pushed them to this point.
- The other person is talked about as a possession more than as a person. The narcissist may refer to that person as “my *insert relationship here*” rather than by their name. My father actually did this when talking with my husband- he referred to me as “his daughter” rather than by name. While there are times this is appropriate of course, narcissists use the possessive form in the extreme. For example, if I’m talking about my husband with my best friend, I refer to him as “Eric.” With a stranger, it’s usually “my husband.” A narcissist would use “my husband” with anyone, friend or stranger, to establish possession.
- Narcissists also have an air of superiority. They may brag about all they’ve done for their victim. If they’re a parent, they also act like their adult child has to do whatever they say because they’re the parent.
- They make hateful allegations. They may call their victim names or create lies about them. The victim’s spouse or others close to her may be accused as well. (Remember, my father accused my husband of keeping me from him? It’s a safe bet he told the police that very same thing- they don’t do welfare checks for nothing.)
If someone is saying & doing such things, it’s a safe bet that they’re a narcissist looking for flying monkeys. Normal people, ones with empathy, respect a person’s boundaries if they are cut off. They also self reflect, & feel bad about what they did. They don’t try to have others “talk sense” into that person or talk badly about that person behind their back.
Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse also has been subjected to flying monkeys.
Flying monkeys are those people who either have fallen for the narcissist’s act, blindly believing anything the narcissist says or are abusers themselves, likely covert narcissists, who get a thrill out of vicariously abusing the narcissist’s victim. They often say things like…
- “Your mother is worried about you. You haven’t called in a while & she doesn’t know why..”
- “I know your father hurt you when you were growing up, but he didn’t mean to. He did the best he could.”
- “You need to just forgive & forget. After all, your mother was abused when she was growing up! She doesn’t know any better!”
These people are indispensable to narcissists, which is why all narcissists have them.
Flying monkeys can reach a victim once that victim has gone no contact with the narcissist. When a victim doesn’t speak with a narcissist, they often will talk to a flying monkey, at least for a while until they discover that this person is a flying monkey. During that time, the flying monkey can tell the victim whatever the narcissist wants her to, becoming the mouthpiece for the narcissist. They can say things a narcissist can’t say without looking bad. The flying monkey also benefits from doing this. If she is deceived about the narcissist, she honestly believes she is doing good & trying to help the victim. If she is also an abuser, this gives her a thrill by abusing without being blamed for being abusive. Covert narcissists make good flying monkeys, because by doing so, they get to feel powerful- something all narcissists love.
Speaking of feeling powerful, narcissists enjoy having flying monkeys because it means they’re controlling another person. Controlling others makes them feel powerful.
Flying monkeys do all the dirty work for the narcissist. The victim often will get mad at the flying monkey rather than the narcissist who is pulling the strings. The flying monkey is the one who will look bad rather than the narcissist. This is a bonus for the narcissist since no narcissist wants to look bad.
If the flying monkey is especially good at what they do, & the victim isn’t strong at resisting the narcissist, the victim will come crawling back to the narcissist. That is the ultimate goal of the narcissist, of course. Using one person to control another is quite the power trip! Any narcissist would love to have this ability.
Flying monkeys are a very useful tool for any narcissist, so beware. If you know a narcissist, you are going to have to deal with them at some point. Be alert. Be aware of their behavior so you can spot them easily. Never feed them by engaging them in a discussion about the narcissist. Refuse to discuss the topic with them, changing the subject as often as necessary & telling them this topic is not up for discussion. And most of all, pray. Ask God to help you to discover the best way to deal with this person or if you need to end this relationship.
Flying monkeys & enablers are, to put it bluntly, a real pain in the neck (or a bit further south..lol) for those of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse. They are the ones who defend the narcissist & criticize you for being so mean or unreasonable. If they are the other parent, they not only fail to defend their child, but attempt to make themselves look like the victim, expecting the child to defend them to the other parent. In their senior years, they also often look for reassurance from their child that they were a good parent.
Narcissistic enablers & flying monkeys often appear to be naive, blindly believing in the narcissist’s lies, or afraid of the narcissist. The truth is very few people are genuinely this naive. Many of these people are covert narcissists.
Covert narcissists aren’t so bold as their overt counterparts. They don’t like being in the spotlight, but they still want attention & admiration as much as an overt narcissist. They simply go about getting it in quieter ways. They can appear the martyr, the long suffering if they’re married to an overt narcissist. “She must be such a good, patient woman to put up with him,” people may say.
Covert narcissists have no problem throwing their children under the bus in order to protect themselves from the overt narcissistic spouse. They will lie about their child to their spouse in order to divert the spouse’s anger from them. They also allow the spouse to abuse their child without protest, then later claim there was nothing they could do to stop the abuse. This can garnish them sympathy & reassurance, even from the child. That provides these monsters with their coveted narcissistic supply.
Other flying monkeys may not be narcissists, but they are still guilty & abusive. They don’t have the courage to stand up to the narcissist. They’re intimidated by her, & find it easier to obey than to speak up.
They may be afraid of retaliation from the narcissist. Overt narcissists can be terrifying when they go into a rage, & covert narcissists can make a person feel incredibly guilty. Many people would rather go along with what the narcissist wants to do than to face either situation.
There are still other flying monkeys who believe the narcissist’s lies. These foolish people don’t question the narcissist. Yet, they aren’t innocent either, as the Bible speaks against gossip:
- 1 Timothy 5:13 “And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.” (KJV)
- Proverbs 20:19 “He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.” (KJV)
The fact people listen to such gossip speaks plenty about their character. They are foolish because they don’t question what they hear, & those with good character don’t share gossip.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, not only do you need to be on your guard against narcissists, but also their enablers.
You can recognize these irritating people quickly by their behavior. Normal, healthy people don’t side with someone who is obviously abusive. They may not begin a huge public protest, but they at the very least say, “That’s wrong.” They realize that neutrality only helps the abuser, not the victim.
Healthy people also question things, they don’t blindly believe what they are told. If something sounds outlandish, unbelievable or even just “off,” most people would question the person stating such things.
If someone is a true friend, & the narcissist wants that person to socialize with her, then the person will decline. They will make it clear that they are on the victim’s side, not the abuser’s.
True friends don’t interact with the narcissist when possible. If this happens in a work situation for example, it may be hard to avoid her 100%, but a true friend will avoid that person as much as possible.
Isaiah 5:20 “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (KJV)
So many people who know the narcissist are completely devoted to that person. Commonly known as flying monkeys, they will defend the narcissist at all costs, even in spite of glaring evidence of the narcissist’s wrong doings. From what I’ve seen, this phenomenon is especially common among marriages where one spouse is an overt narcissist & the other covert, but it also happens among child/parent relationships, other familial relationships or even friendships.
Whether these people realize it or not, they are condoning & enabling narcissistic abuse. Sure, they aren’t necessarily holding a victim in place while the narcissist verbally or physically attacks, but they are condoning & enabling it nonetheless! By not speaking up to the abusive person or by telling the victim things like “You need to honor your mother & father!” “Just let it go” “I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way you took it!” “You’re oversensitive/being dramatic!” they basically are telling the victim, “There is something wrong with you for being upset about being abused! Let that person abuse you & take it with a smile!” This can be extremely mentally damaging for a victim!
I have been through this myself as well as talked to so many other victims who have experienced similar situations, & all of us have been deeply hurt or damaged by such cruel, invalidating behavior.
While the behavior of the flying monkey may seem like they simply don’t know any better or they want to help, the simple fact is their behavior can be very damaging, no matter what their intentions are. It really is best to avoid them whenever possible & let God deal with them. He certainly is not pleased with their behavior, & Isaiah 5:20 is proof of that.
When it’s not possible to avoid them, there are some ways to cope that may help you.
If the flying monkey starts talking about the relationship between you & your narcissistic parent, telling you what you need to do to fix it, it’s time for a subject change. You can say, “I’m not going to discuss this topic with you,” then change the subject. Or, you can simply change the subject. You also can say, “If you continue trying to make me talk about this subject, I’m going to hang up the phone (or leave the room)” then follow through on your threat.
Sometimes, simply ignoring the flying monkey is the easiest way to cope. If you get a text or an email, for example, those are easy to ignore. My mother’s flying monkey has emailed several times about my mother. Each time she does, I simply ignore her email.
Never engage the flying monkey in a conversation about the narcissist. You WILL regret it. You’d regret beating your head into a brick wall less than you would talking about that topic with a flying monkey. Flying monkeys are extremely confident that the narcissist is right, & that you are wrong, bad, mean, etc. & they will say or do anything to try to beat you into thinking the same way. Do NOT discuss the narcissist with the flying monkey!
If you are the crafty type, like to have a little fun & have a kinda warped sense of humor like I do… you can actually crochet your own flying monkey! I found a pattern for one! I’m going to make a few of them, because I know seeing them will make me laugh if I have the misfortune of dealing with any flying monkeys. I already have a name for one in mind- after one of my mother’s flying monkeys. The link to the pattern is below. If you end up making one too, I’d love to see a picture & if you name it, would love to know why you chose that name. You can email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com if you’d like.
Recently I was talking with some members of an online group I’m in about flying monkeys. It never fails to amaze me how narcissists have so many who blindly obey the narcissist, & are devoted to protecting them, furthering their agenda & hurting their victims. In fact, my mother’s flying monkeys are so devoted, even people who don’t like her will fight for her & be cruel to me.
I asked the other members of the group if this made any sense to them. It doesn’t me. One member said something that I think described this situation. She believes that people like that are dysfunctional, but like to give the appearance of normalcy. If you are honest about the dysfunction in your life, it may upset the apple cart for them, so to speak. It may put cracks in the veneer of their normal appearance.
This made so much sense to me! I thought about two people who have been my mother’s most devoted flying monkeys. Both have had some rough times, such as bad (even abusive) marriages. Eventually they got away from their abusers & made their own lives. They’ve become mothers, later grandmothers, they celebrate all holidays & birthdays with their families. They give all appearances of happy, normal people with happy, normal families. If something bad or dysfunctional happens, they cover things up or deny those things happened. If you don’t know about the bad things, you’d think they have the perfect lives.
If I said anything negative about my mother to either of them, I was told I need to work things out with my mother- after all she’s my mother, get over it, stop living in the past & other invalidating, vicious things. Truly neither one of my so-called “friends” wanted to hear what I was going through. In fact, if I mentioned any problem I had to them, I was rudely brushed off. (Example: I mentioned to one my blood pressure had been elevated recently due to stress- her response? “You need to lose all that weight, then it’ll be fine!” I’m about 20lbs overweight- that’s not so bad!).
I can’t help but wonder if the reason they behave this way is they are deathly afraid of any problem possibly calling attention to the fact their normalcy is merely an act, upsetting their apple cart of dysfunction, if you will. Maybe somehow they think if I talk about my bad experiences, those close to them will start to see similarities between her life & mine, & think badly of her. Or, maybe they think others will question these folks, wondering why they never tried to help me. After all, they’ve known me since I was a child. How could these wonderful people stand idly by knowing I was being abused? Certainly that would make them look bad, which they can’t bear. So, it’s best to try to silence me. If I don’t talk to them about certain things, they can maintain their facade & pretend nothing happened.
If this is happening to you, too, please keep this information in mind. It may help you to understand why people behave this way. Also, please know it’s not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you for expecting support & compassion from those close to you. It’s completely normal! People who act this way, brushing you off or invalidating your pain, are the ones who are not completely normal. For normal, healthy people, compassion to others is very important! More so than what others think of them. Normal people side with the victim, not the abuser.
Usually when I write, I focus on healing from narcissistic abuse or narcissism. Today I would like to take a side trip & discuss the narcissist’s flying monkeys.
I’m not entirely sure who invented that phrase, but I think it was Dr. Karyl McBride, author of the wonderful book for daughters of narcissistic mothers, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” Anyway, the line was taken from the movie, “The Wizard Of Oz.” Remember the wicked witch who sent her flying monkeys out to do her dirty work? I think it is the perfect way to describe these people!
Flying monkeys are those who side with the narcissist. They think she is a great person, & you obviously have the problem if you can’t appreciate her. If you have a disagreement with your narcissistic mother, this person will come out of the woodwork, & tell you things like how great she is, how hard she tries so hard with you, & how you need to do (fill in the blank) for her because it’s the least you can do for your own mother. My mother has a flying monkey who isn’t quite so bold, but occasionally during one of my mother’s silent treatments, will email me with some lame excuse attempting to make me call or see my mother.
Simply put, flying monkeys are the evil minions of narcissists, &, much like their “wicked witch,” their behavior is also abusive.
Invalidation is abuse, & this is what flying monkeys do best- invalidate your pain, invalidate your boundaries, & invalidate anything you have to say. They also think they know best, & you should blindly listen to them, ignoring your own thoughts & feelings. (Sounds like a narcissist, doesn’t it?) In fact, they remind me of a dream I had a few months ago. I wrote about it in this post. Flying monkeys often will do anything, no matter how ridiculous they look or how much damage they do to the relationship with you to make their feelings & views known to you. They are just like that little sedan in my dream.
While I honestly believe many flying monkeys do what they do out of ignorance, probably even with good intentions, that doesn’t make their behavior any less abusive. They are narcissistic enablers, paving the way for the narcissist to wreak havoc.
If you are able & willing, cutting them out of your life may be your best option.
If you are unable or unwilling to cut the flying monkey out of your life, you need to have some very strong boundaries in place. They need to know that discussing your narcissistic mother is not an option. There are plenty of other things you can discuss- shared interests, current events, the weather, sports.. find other things to talk about- it’s pretty easy to do. If the flying monkey can’t handle this, then leave their presence or hang up the phone.
If the flying monkey is a part of your life on social media, don’t discuss your narcissistic mother on social media. Or, if you do, block the flying monkey from seeing those posts along with people that also know the flying monkey. I have a list of “acquaintances” on facebook. Generally when I post, or this blog posts to my facebook page, it posts to “Friends except acquaintances”. The acquaintances have no idea what they are not seeing or that they are blocked from seeing certain things.
Most importantly, don’t let yourself be swayed by the flying monkey! They can be very convincing sometimes, I know, but only do what you know to be right for you. My mother’s flying monkey told me once that my mother said how proud of me she is. Something I never once heard from my mother, & frankly would love to hear. No doubt my mother knows this which is why she told the flying monkey that. Or, the flying monkey knew it & lied to me about my mother saying it. In any case it was hard not to be swayed & want to work on our relationship after hearing that. I knew in my heart though that things wouldn’t improve with my mother no matter what I do since she’s a narcissist, & besides- I’ve always been the one to work on this relationship. It’s not fair & I’m very tired of being the one who does all the work! If she isn’t willing to put forth some effort, our relationship never will change. (I’ve been blamed for it being so bad by flying monkeys who fail to realize these points, by the way). Anyway if I had allowed myself to believe the flying monkey, can you imagine the huge amount of, well, crap that would have followed? My mother would’ve known the flying monkey was an effective weapon, so she would’ve been used more often. She also would’ve enjoyed the control she had over me, knowing she made me start working on our relationship. And, me working on things would have proven to her that she is right, & can treat me any way she sees fit. When your flying monkeys sweet talk you, then please keep my story in mind. Think about the scenarios that could follow if you went along with their wishes. Is anything worth going through what would happen if you obeyed the flying monkeys?