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How To Go No Contact

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Going No Contact Doesn’t Fix Everything

There is a good amount of information out there about going no contact with narcissists.  Many articles make it sound like going no contact will solve all of your problems.  It definitely solves some.  No longer having a narcissist in your life means you are no  longer abused, which of course is a great thing.  However, even so, it doesn’t solve all of your problems!

 

When a person has eliminated a relationship, people always seem to have opinions.  There are even more opinions when the relationship in question is with a parent.  The adult child is often referred to as selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, unreasonable & more.  People often act as though you made this choice on a whim, when nothing could be further from the truth!  The worst part is this judgement often comes from people close to you that you never expected would behave like this towards you.  Not only does what they say hurt a great deal, but some people will side with the narcissistic parent & abandon you.  Rarely does a person who severs ties with a parent have many allies.

 

Going no contact also doesn’t heal the wounds that your parent inflicted upon you.  Those wounds are still there.  You still are going to wake up each morning with C-PTSD, anxiety &/or depression.  If you also were physically abused, the scars aren’t going to vanish just because your abusive parent is out of your life either.

 

In fact, I found in my experience and in talking to others that after implementing no contact, suddenly they felt they had more issues to deal with than they had previously.  Repressed memories came up, they had more nightmares than usual, anxiety was much worse, they were very depressed & more.  I firmly believe the reason for this is because when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that narcissist basically takes up almost all of your thoughts.  You’re so busy trying to figure out ways to please them or at least not trigger their wrath.  You may be trying to find a way to escape the relationship unscathed.  You’re definitely trying to maintain your sanity in an insane situation.  Once the relationship is over, those things are gone.  Your mind is free of a huge burden.  Now it’s time to process all of what you have been through, & your emotional floodgates let loose.  It can be pretty scary & overwhelming.  I try to make the best of it, & remember these things that have come up are doing so for a reason.  I talk to God about them, & write about them in my journal as ways to help me heal.

 

No contact is a very viable solution when dealing with narcissists.  Often, it is the only solution.  However, it isn’t an easy one.  Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please know that it won’t solve all of your problems.  It will help you a great deal, but don’t expect it to be easy.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

Why It’s Important To Stay No Contact

So much information preaches no contact.  They say it’s the only solution for dealing with a narcissist & you’re naive if you think otherwise, so just do it already!  It fixes everything!

 

To a degree, this is true.  Usually no contact is the only solution since it’s not like narcissists are prone to change or willing to work on creating a mutually beneficial, healthy relationship.

 

There is one thing no one mentions though- that no contact needs to be done only after you are 1,000% sure you can do it indefinitely, no matter what.

 

If you go no contact with a narcissist then later resume the relationship, things will NOT go well with you!  Sure, they might for a short time, but it won’t last.

 

If a narcissist is able to lure you back into the relationship, you are showing that you’re weak & have no boundaries.  She sees you as easy prey.  The same thing goes if you initiate contact again after a period of no contact.  Once you go no contact, you need to stay no contact for good, no matter what!

 

In 1993, I went no contact with my mother.  It was a foolish move on my part.  I gave into the frequent pressure of my ex husband & told her to get out of my life during an argument.  It wasn’t a well thought out move on my part.  A few months later I ran into my parents at a local mall & when my mother told me I needed to come to her home soon after, I blindly obeyed.  It was a huge mistake!  My mother knew I had no boundaries to speak of & she could treat me like dirt without repercussions.

 

In 2001, I went no contact with her again.  This time, it lasted until 2007 when I allowed my mother back in my life.  It was better at first, but that is because I’d been working on my healing.  I also had learned about boundaries.  Even so, it wasn’t long & my mother was back to treating me terribly.  The verbal abuse was much more intense, more so than it had been prior to going no contact.

 

I’ve heard similar stories of this happening from many people.  They went no contact, then resumed the relationship & although it may have been nice for a short time, it quickly turned even worse than it once was.

 

If you’re considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, I would like to urge you today to seriously consider it.  I’m not saying don’t do it, & stay in the relationship, of course.  That decision is yours & no one should tell you what to do in that regard.   I’m just saying be absolutely 1,000% positive that if you opt for no contact, once you do it, nothing can lure you back into the relationship.

 

Think about all aspects of being no contact.  What if the narcissist suddenly became an invalid or terminally ill- would you have the strength to continue to stay no contact under such circumstances?  What if flying monkeys come at you from every direction- do you feel you could withstand whatever they throw at you or would you cave in, & contact the narcissist?  If the narcissist in your life is a parent or other relative, could you handle seeing that person at family gatherings & avoiding a scene if she starts one?  You may lose relationships with those people you & the narcissist both know- will you be OK with that?  You will be betrayed, unfortunately- it’s a given.  Some people you think love you & will understand won’t understand.  Can you cope with that kind of pain?  Can you protect yourself however necessary if the narcissist begins to stalk & harass you, or has the flying monkeys do it?

 

I know these topics are incredibly difficult to think about, but you absolutely need to do so before deciding on no contact.

 

Sadly, no contact often the best choice you can make.  However it should never be done lightly.  If you’re considering going no contact, don’t do it after a big fight or even after an especially pleasant conversation with the narcissist.  Think & pray about it after you’ve had some time apart from the narcissist so you can think clearly.  Ask God what you should do & listen for His answer.

 

If you feel you want to go no contact but are unable to at this time for whatever reason, that’s fine.  Listen to God- His timing is always perfect!  In the meantime, do your best with refusing to provide any narcissistic supply (also known as the Gray Rock Method) & enforcing healthy boundaries.  While a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly difficult, it’s better to hang in there for a short time longer than to go no contact & be lured back in at a future date.  I promise you that!

 

So, Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please consider what I’ve said in this post.  Pray & think long & hard about going no contact before you do it.  Think about all kinds of scenarios that could arise, even down to the death of the narcissist.  And, know you may still be surprised by the lows of the narcissist & her flying monkeys, no matter how thoroughly you try to think things out.  It’ll be hard to do but it really will help you in the long run.

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Encouragement For Anyone Who Is Considering Going No Or Low Contact With Their Narcissistic Mother

So much writing you find on the topic of narcissistic mothers says that no contact is the only answer.  Just sever ties with her & your life will be so much better, they say.  While this certainly is true in many cases, there are also many cases where going no contact isn’t a desired solution, or even a possible solution.  Still others know that is their best option, yet don’t feel strong enough to take that step just yet.  Others prefer the limited contact option, as I have chosen, where they only speak to their mothers rarely, as they are able to do so.

Normally, it is those who are either unwilling or unable to go no contact I feel strongest about attempting to help with my writing. Today though, I feel I need to write to everyone who either has gone no/low contact, is considering going no/low contact or who is unable or unwilling at this time to go no/low contact.

There are so many people who have very definite feelings on the contact issue, & love to make those feelings known to you at any opportunity.  They will state their feelings as if they are not simply the person’s feelings, but the gospel truth.  You also may find these opinions on websites or in books.  These views will make you feel a plethora of things, such as doubting your decision, feeling stupid for making the decision you’ve made, feeling guilty & more.

I want to encourage you today to ignore the critics!  Going no or low contact with your narcissistic mother is a very big decision, one that you & you alone should make for yourself after a great deal of thought & prayer.  No one understands exactly how you feel, nor have they experienced the things that you have.  They also have no idea how you cope with the abuse your narcissistic mother dishes out, or exactly how much abuse she puts you through.  Very few people also truly understand how desperate a person is to consider severing ties with or greatly limiting contact with their own mother, or how much pain they have experienced to even consider such a thing.  No contact is far from a black & white issue!

I know it can be very painful when people force their unasked for views on you on this issue, but please please PLEASE- ignore their unsupportive views!  Once you have made your decision on how to handle the contact you have with your narcissistic mother, the absolute last thing you need is people telling you how wrong you are or how poorly you’re handling things. Ignore those people!  Their opinions are NOT facts, so you do not need to be bothered with them.

Instead, follow what you know in your heart is right for you.  I believe those “gut feelings” or intuition are God’s voice telling us what we need to know, so you can’t go wrong if you listen to them, especially listening to them over people who have no idea what they are talking about.

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Some Thoughts For Those Unable To Sever Ties With A Narcissistic Mother

Good afternoon, Dear Readers!

The last few weeks, I’ve been feeling led to focus on helping those with narcissistic mothers who are either unable or unwilling to go no contact with them.   There are many in this position, & there is very little information out there for these people.   I hope this post will encourage you!

My mother called last night, & hubby & I are going to lunch tomorrow with my folks (my father’s birthday is Monday, hubby is off tomorrow, so I thought this could work).  Unfortunately, I learned quickly during the call that my mother’s niceness has ended for now.  She was very nasty during the conversation last night, talking quite a bit about how hard it was for her doing so much all by herself for her mother when she was alive.  A guilt trip, I suppose, for not doing enough.  Not nice considering I was her mother’s primary caregiver for a year… the hardest year of my life, by the way, since she was a very malignant narcissist & just a hateful, heartless human being.  And,  my mother mentioning this was not surprising, since she has said these exact same things many times over the years, even while her mother was still alive & I was helping her.  *sigh*

While this turn of events is disappointing, it’s certainly not unexpected.  While some of my readers seemed to think I believed my mother was going to maintain her much nicer demeanor indefinitely, that was never the case.  I’m hardly that naive.  My mother only can be nice to me for brief periods of time, like many narcissistic mothers, & I am well aware of that fact. I accept that about my mother, because, well, let’s face it- she has no desire to change that about herself.  It’s either accept it or try to change her.  I’ll accept it, rather than overstep my bounds by trying to make her into something she is not.

While accepting that fact about my mother, that doesn’t mean I accept her abuse however.  I’ve learned how to handle this relationship with my mother, how to maintain a civil contact with her.

When my mother is in one of her pleasant moods, I enjoy it.  I never know  how long it will last, so I don’t think about that.  I just enjoy it, whether that mood lasts for a day or a month.  I also remember that this change isn’t permanent, & she can go back to full narcissistic mode at any moment.  That keeps my expectations realistic (well, low), so I am not disappointed when she changes.

When the narcissistic mode kicks back in, I keep a distance from my mother.  I answer her calls less frequently, & spend less time with her.

I’ve noticed her narcissistic mode lasts less time doing this.  She is now nicer, or at least civil, more often than not.  While I certainly can’t say my relationship with my mother is perfect by any means, it is way better than I ever thought it could be.  We have pleasant conversations pretty often now, & I don’t cringe every time the phone rings.  I’m also able to relax some during the good times where I wasn’t able to before.  I now know they may not last long, so I just live in the moment, enjoying them as they come up.  When they stop, I knew it was going to  happen, so I am not surprised or disappointed.  That is when I keep my distance, & wait for the nice mode to start again.

I believe these changes have happened for a couple of reasons. First, God. I prayed a lot recently as I’ve mentioned before, because I was so close to going no contact with my mother.  He told me that decision was up to me.  I asked Him to help me be able to stay in this very difficult relationship, at least for now.  I assumed that meant He would give me strength & courage as I needed it, but it’s been so much more than I could’ve expected.  I am now able to hear my mother’s nasty, cruel words, & not feel devastated.  Hurt sometimes, sure, but I am more able to see them as a result of her issues, rather than taking them personally.  That helps to take much of  the sting out of her words.  I also am now able to say “no”  & defend myself where that was once very difficult for me to do sometimes.  I also, for once, haven’t trouble speaking my mind to my mother.  Granted, I don’t do it all the time, but sometimes, it’s just not worth it.  Sometimes the topic is trivial & we simply have different opinions- so what?  That just means we’re different people.  Other times, if I need to speak up to her about how she treats me, I can tell she is going to ignore me, so there just isn’t a point in frustrating myself by speaking up.

God also has enabled me to be much stronger with setting & forcing very strict boundaries with my mother.  She has no choice but to go along with them now, whereas I used to have very weak boundaries, if any.  Does she like this?  No, but I really don’t care.   They are reasonable, & I am taking care of myself.  I think by doing this, I have gained a slight amount of respect from my mother for the first time ever.  Narcissists are bullies, & one thing I’ve learned about bullies is that they respect someone who has the guts to stand up to them.  They may not like that person, but they respect her!

I’ve also gotten a real revelation on something else- my mother can’t hurt me anymore!  When I was a kid, she threatened me with military or catholic school or to have me locked up in a psyche ward, she screamed in my face, calling me filthy names, she was also strong enough to throw me into a wall so hard when I was 19, my back was injured to the point I had to quit working a few months later.  Even in my early 20’s, my mother once threatened to contact my landlord because I had more cats than the lease allowed, all because I disagreed with her about something.  Those times are gone now.  We’re both much older, & now I’m the physically stronger one.  I also don’t need to sit there while anyone screams at me- I can walk out & never come back if I’m so inclined.  She also can’t have me taken away or contact my landlord because I am now a home owner.  The only weapon my mother has left are her words, & frankly, that weapon is rather lame.  She called me so many terrible names & said so many terrible things about me when I was growing up, while her current tactics may hurt me, they really don’t hurt me all that badly.  After all, I’ve been through worse!  The comic Chris Titus once  talked about how critical his father was when he was growing up, & said something like, “Thanks to him, I’m like an insult Navy Seal!”  That is how I feel about my mother.  My mother accused me of terrible things like doing drugs & having sex with the entire high school football team when I was a teenager (neither of which I did) & called me awful names. After surviving that, what else is there?!  What else can she say?  Nothing!  And, I’ve also realized that my mother needs me much more than I need her.  I have my own home & life now- I need nothing from my mother.  She has no hold over me.

These things have been very freeing to me, & very helpful in dealing with my narcissistic mother. I pray they will help you to find ways to deal with yours as well.

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