Having Healthy Boundaries With Empathy

Empathy is truly a wonderful thing & one of the best things God has given people.  Even so, there are times it can become a problem.  Lacking healthy boundaries with empathy is one of those times.

One obvious ways empathic people need healthy boundaries is feeling compassion for certain people.  It can be too easy for empathic people to tolerate terrible or even abusive behavior from someone who is dysfunctional or even toxic due to their own painful traumatic experiences.

I have done this. Many years ago, my husband & I were visiting his parents.  His mother said something that apparently his father disliked.  He insulted her for what she said, which obviously hurt her feelings badly.  Although she was a covert narcissist who clearly detested me, I still felt badly for her.  I had been trying to set healthy boundaries to let her know I was tired of tolerating her disrespect, but after watching how her husband spoke to her that day, I felt so badly for her that I tolerated her behavior quietly for a while.  Naively, I thought that maybe I was her only way to vent her hurt, frustrations & even anger.  I thought it might help her to get these awful feelings out by treating me badly, so I thought fine, I’ll deal with this.  Not like I wasn’t accustomed to her hating me, so I thought if it helps her feel better, so be it.  Thankfully I learned quickly that this wasn’t helping her & it was hurting me, so it needed to stop.

The trap I fell into can happen all too easily for an empathic person, as can going in the exact opposite direction.  Some empathic people can be so burned out on caring for other people that over time, they shut down their empathy.  They become cold & even cruel towards other people.  I have seen this with some victims of narcissistic abuse.  There have been a few times that I have mentioned feeling bad for a narcissist for some reason only to be attacked for that.  The attackers said things like there is no reason to feel badly for them.  They are evil, period, I needed to accept that & stop being so stupid as to pity them because they don’t deserve pity. 

Somewhere between these two examples lies a very good place for empathic people. 

If you are someone who naturally has a high degree of empathy for other people, I want to encourage you today to start using some of that empathy for yourself.  It may be time for you to learn some healthy boundaries.

You need to remember that you aren’t anyone’s punching bag. That really isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.  A person can vent to you about something, which is fine, but treating you badly repeatedly because someone else treated them badly is inexcusable!  That does no one any good, so don’t be foolish like I was & tolerate it thinking that it is helping someone.  It isn’t helping anyone & it hurts you!  You can have compassion, you can be empathic, yet you can have healthy boundaries too.

Also, going so far the other way as to shut down your natural empathy isn’t good either.  Look at the people who block it off, like narcissists.  They are miserable!  Ignoring natural empathy makes a person miserable, selfish & angry. 

Instead, accept that it is perfectly reasonable to feel compassion for someone who behaves badly, even abusers.  Yet, at the same time, it is also perfectly reasonable to have no space in your life to tolerate such behavior.  Refusing to allow others to mistreat you encourages them to change their behavior into something healthier.  You are giving them the chance to improve themselves.  And having this healthy balance is showing yourself love & compassion, not only showing it to other people.  You deserve that just as much as anyone else!

November 14, 2013

Bishop T.D. Jakes was preaching on television this morning, & I learned a term that was interesting to me- Compassion Exhaustion.  He used the example of a married couple who has experienced a devastating event, then once it was over, divorced.  He was discussing how we can  swim through 500′ of water, then be afraid we’ll drown in the 2′ of water near shore because we are tired from swimming through that 500′ of water.  This example made sense to me.  I have felt that way for the last few years.  I have experienced traumatic event after traumatic event in my life, yet nowadays when something not so traumatic happens, I feel overwhelmed.  

When you have spent much of your life caring for others in some way, you easily can reach that point.  Caring for the needs of others, either physical or emotional, is a lot of work!  Doing it for an extended period of time will exhaust you.  Maybe not always physically, but always emotionally.  

Growing up with the parents I have, I learned early on that I was to take care of their emotions.  When my parents argued, I was often brought into it.  I remember when I was quite young, maybe 5 or so, my parents arguing in the living room where I was.  My mother grabbed me, & took me into my room, slamming the door behind us.  She sat on my bed holding me & crying.  I knew I was supposed to make her feel better.  Not that she said those words, but that was what I somehow knew she wanted.  This type of thing happened over & over during my life- my mother would become upset & cry on my shoulder.  My father, too.  To this day, they still come to me with problems, even about their marriage.   (this is called Emotional Incest, by the way- it’s a form of emotional abuse)

As a result. at my current age of 42, I have about no patience  with either of my parents.  I am no longer a good listener where they are concerned- instead, I get angry or I change the subject.  When they ignore my protests, & continue to talk, I end up exhausted, anxious, very depressed, & often unable to sleep much that night.  Unfortunately, this also leaves me easily frustrated with my husband or friends who want to talk to me about their problems.  While I may not get angry with them or change the subject, I still end up exhausted, anxious, etc.

Does this sound like you too?  I think it describes many children of abusive parents, in particular of narcissistic parents.

I have a few ways I can think of to combat this problem of Compassion Exhaustion.  If you have this problem as well, maybe you can add to the list.  If so, feel free to share your ideas in the comments section!  I for one would love to hear your thoughts.   🙂

Here are some ways I battle Compassion Exhaustion:

• Pray.  Talking to God is very, VERY helpful!
• Take breaks as needed.  From people or activities.  
• Participate in hobbies.  I like to knit & crochet- they soothe me.  Reading transports me into the story, where I can forget my troubles for a while.  
• Spend time in nature.  Nature is very restorative.  It feels so good to me to spend time outside on a brisk autumn day, looking at the beautifully colored leaves, feeling the cool breeze blow through my hair..
• Watch fun movies.
• Listen to music.