Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

For Those Who Think Narcissists Shouldn’t Have To Face Consequences

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have often heard people say that narcissists shouldn’t have to face consequences for their actions.  They argue that it’s not fair to punish someone for being cruel when they have a personality disorder or because they had a hard life or some other equally lame excuse.  However, as a Christian, I believe that everyone is accountable for their actions, regardless of their mental health status.  In fact, the Bible speaks about the importance of consequences & correction.  Psalm 141:5 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let the righteous [thoughtfully] strike (correct) me—it is a kindness [done to encourage my spiritual maturity].  It is [the choicest anointing] oil on the head; Let my head not refuse [to accept & acknowledge & learn from] it; For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.”

One of the main reasons why narcissists should face consequences for their actions is accountability.  Without consequences, there is no incentive to change behavior.  It’s important for everyone to be held accountable for their actions, not only for the sake of those they have hurt, but also for their own wellbeing & growth.  While narcissists almost never change, at least consequences set the stage for that possibility.

Furthermore, consequences are a form of justice.  When someone does something wrong, it’s only right that they face the consequences of their actions.  This is not about revenge or punishment, but about restoring balance & order.  When a narcissist is allowed to get away with their behavior endlessly, it sends the message that their actions are acceptable.  This is especially damaging to victims who may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or self blame.

Finally, consequences can also serve as a deterrent for future bad behavior.  When someone faces the unpleasant consequences of their actions, it sends a message to others that similar behavior will not be tolerated.  Even narcissists do get that message through consequences sometimes.

As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us.  This can be challenging when dealing with narcissistic abusers who have caused so much pain & trauma.  However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of justice or accountability.  Rather, it means entrusting the situation to God, & releasing the person from expectations of an apology or repaying us for the damage they did.

Forgiveness also does not mean that the relationship with the abuser is automatically restored.  That should require repentance, humility, & a willingness to change.  When a person is not willing to acknowledge their wrongdoing & change, the relationship can’t be restored. 

As Christians, we are called to love all people, including narcissists.  Love is not always about feeling warm, caring feelings, which is good since it’s impossible to feel that way towards anyone who deliberately traumatizes you.  That love can be as simple as praying for them – for God to meet whatever needs they have, to bless them & most importantly, to turn their hearts & minds to Him.  I know how hard this can be, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.  And when it’s hard, tell God!  He knows anyway so just be honest.  I have prayed “I don’t want to pray for them but I know You want me to, so that’s the only reason I’m doing this” many times, & not once was God ever angry with me for it.

At the same time, we must also set healthy boundaries & protect ourselves from further harm.  This means limiting our interactions with them or even going no contact.  Such things are loving & Godly.

Never ever let anyone make you feel badly for giving a narcissist consequences for abusing you. Whether or not the narcissist learns & grows from the experience, at least you have done the right thing by giving them an environment that encourages such things. The rest is up to them.

What Exactly Is Self Love?

It’s easy to throw around the term “self love” these days, but what does it really mean?  Is it just bubble baths & pep talking yourself?  Or, is it something much deeper?  Self love is not just a feel-good buzzword.  It’s a way of life that can help you live a more fulfilling & authentic life. 

Self love starts with being your authentic self.  This means embracing who you truly are, flaws & all.  It means not trying to be someone else to please others or fit in.  It means being honest with yourself & others about your feelings, thoughts, & beliefs.  When you are your authentic self, you are living in alignment with your values & priorities.  Being your authentic self can be scary, especially if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse.  It means putting yourself out there & risking rejection.  It’s worth it though.  When you are true to yourself, you attract people who accept & appreciate you for who you really are.  You also feel more confident & self-assured.

To become more authentic, start by reflecting on who you truly are.  Ask yourself some questions like, what are your values, passions, & priorities?  What makes you unique? Then, start showing up as that person in your daily life.  Speak up when you have something to say.  Embrace your quirks.  Pursue your passions.  The more you embrace your authentic self, the more self love you will cultivate.

We all make mistakes.  It’s a natural part of being human.  When we beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we are not practicing self love.  Part of self love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes & moving on.  Forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior or pretending that everything is ok.  It’s about acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for your actions, & moving forward in a positive direction.  When you forgive yourself, you release the negative emotions that are holding you back & create space for self love & growth.

To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging your mistakes.  Take responsibility for what happened & apologize if necessary to others & even to yourself.  Then, focus on what you can learn from the experience & how you can grow from it.  Remember that mistakes are often opportunities for growth & self-improvement.

Self love also means taking care of your mental & physical health.  This includes getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, & taking care of your emotional well being.

Self care is not selfish.  It’s essential for your overall health & well-being.  When you take care of yourself, you have more energy, feel stronger mentally & physically, & are better able to handle stress & challenges.

Practice mindfulness to reduce stress & improve your emotional well being.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Whether it’s seeing a therapist or reaching out to a friend, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Self love is not a one time event or only one thing you can do for yourself.  It’s a lifelong journey of self discovery, growth, & acceptance.  When you practice self love, you are living a life that is true to your values & priorities.  You are living a life that is fulfilling, joyful, & authentic.

Today, I want to encourage you to take the first step on your journey of self love.  Embrace your authentic self.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Take care of your mental & physical health.  Always remember, self love is not selfish.  It’s essential.

Medical Trauma Involves More Than Serious Health Scares

When we think of medical trauma, we often imagine individuals going through life threatening health scares, battling serious illnesses, or surviving severe accidents. While these experiences are undoubtedly traumatic, it’s important to recognize that medical trauma encompasses more than just these extreme situations. It also includes the emotional & psychological distress that can arise from feeling dismissed, belittled, or mistreated by healthcare professionals.

As someone who has personally endured medical trauma, I can attest to the fact that the fear & anxiety associated with medical trauma can be overwhelming. Whether it is the constant worry of being minimized by doctors or the anticipation of encountering rude & hostile staff members, these experiences leave a lasting impact.

In this blog post, I will share my own encounters with medical trauma, highlighting the need for support & understanding for all individuals who have experienced similar challenges.

One form of medical trauma that often goes unnoticed is the dismissal of valid concerns by healthcare professionals. I experienced this firsthand when I was just 19 years old. Struggling with awful back pain, I sought medical help, only to be met with skepticism & accusations of faking my pain. The doctors claimed that I was “too young” to have such severe back problems. Others I knew also thought I was faking it because I was simply too lazy to work.

This dismissal invalidated my pain, amplified my anxieties & made me question my own experiences. Many times over the years I doubted my pain was real. I believed they were right.. I was faking it & was too lazy to work.

Furthermore, it is crucial to acknowledge that the dismissal of valid concerns is rarely an isolated incident. Many individuals with rare conditions, chronic illnesses or pain face similar challenges, struggling to find healthcare providers who take their symptoms seriously. This lack of validation perpetuates a cycle of medical trauma.

In addition to the dismissal of concerns, medical trauma can also stem from the hostile & rude behavior exhibited by healthcare staff. Imagine walking into a medical facility, already anxious & in pain, only to be met with disdain & judgment. Sadly, this was my experience in the emergency room after barely surviving Carbon Monoxide Poisoning in 2015.

The staff’s nonchalant attitude & lack of empathy made me feel like my condition was inconsequential. Despite nearly dying from exposure & having a serious head injury from hitting my head when I passed out, they treated my symptoms as if they were minor, & gave me no warning what to expect in the future.

Healthcare settings should be safe spaces for individuals seeking help & healing. When healthcare providers & staff exhibit hostility & rudeness, it further exacerbates the trauma experienced by patients. The emotional scars left by these encounters can impact an individual’s trust in the healthcare system & hinder their ability to seek necessary medical care in the future. I can attest to this, as I have virtually no trust in doctors or hospitals now.

People not in the field also never should be judgmental or dismissive of the health struggles of other people. The emotional toll of being doubted & dismissed by medical staff or friends & family never should be underestimated. It is a trauma that deserves recognition & support.

Societal norms often dictate that people should be grateful for any form of medical attention they receive, which makes it difficult to be open about such experiences. This is so wrong! Everyone’s pain & suffering should be acknowledged & validated. This means actively listening, believing experiences, & empowering people to advocate for their own health.

Moreover, healthcare professionals & staff must develop empathy, compassion, & sensitivity. By fostering an environment of understanding & respect, we can prevent further medical trauma & improve the overall quality of care provided.

It is time to recognize & address the diverse range of medical trauma experiences that individuals face. Everyone should prioritize empathy, understanding, & validation in every area, including when it comes to people’s health.

Healthy Positivity vs Toxic Positivity

There is quite the trend in society to be over the top positive.  Among many Christians, being anything less demonstrates a lack of faith in God or appreciation of His goodness.  Even as a Christian myself, I don’t believe this to be a wise belief.

I read once some time ago that many people who commit suicide are optimists.  They expect only good things to happen, & when that isn’t always the case or when catastrophes strike, they become suicidal.  That made sense to me.  People living in the state of perpetually expecting only good things to happen to them must be highly disappointed on a regular basis.  How could they not be?  Even when life is good, disappointing things still happen sometimes just because that is how life goes.

Being too negative clearly isn’t good either.  Very negative people are just miserable.  I firmly believe the key is to be realistic yet positive.

To do that, you need to know the differences in healthy positivity & toxic positivity.

Healthy positivity recognizes the bad, but also trusts that good can come of it somehow.  One example might be you went on a job interview for a job you really wanted, but felt the interview didn’t go well.  Healthy positivity admits the interview could have gone better but that doesn’t guarantee you won’t get the job.  Or, if you don’t, there are other good jobs out there, so there’s no need to panic.

Toxic positivity refuses to acknowledge any bad.  That job interview situation would be ignored by a toxic positive person.  That person would focus on the one thing that went well & pretend the ten things that went badly didn’t happen.  They would believe the job is theirs, then if it fell through, be shocked & extremely disappointed.

When someone is suffering, a person with healthy positivity will allow the suffering person to talk about it.  They will admit that sometimes things are really hard or painful, but in time, they will get better. 

Someone who functions in toxic positivity behaves much differently.  They say things like, “Stop being so negative!”  “Think happy thoughts!” “Other people have it worse!” These people probably don’t realize it but they are shaming a suffering person for their suffering!  This is the absolute last thing a person needs at such a time!  It’s best to avoid this type of person during dark times.

People who function in toxic positivity simply can’t handle anything negative.  They try to “positive” their way out of the situation by shutting down someone who isn’t as positive as they are.  Even when someone is grieving the death of a loved one, which is a perfectly normal time to be less than happy, they can’t handle this.  So many people tell a grieving person “You should be happy!  He’s not in pain anymore!”  or, “Rejoice!  She’s in Heaven now with her family!” or even, “Now, now.. he wouldn’t want to see you crying!  Just think about the good times!”

Can you see how unhealthy this so called “positivity” is? 

God gave His creation emotions.  All emotions, not only happiness.  Feeling all of those emotions is part of what makes us human.  There is nothing wrong or sinful with feeling disappointed, sad, angry… even Jesus felt these things!  Rather than try to be too positive or allow someone to make you feel bad for not being super positive, why not allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment?  Cry if you need to.  Be angry if you need to.  Remember not to act foolishly out of your emotions of course, but feel them & process them however works best for you.  Write in a journal, talk to a counselor or close friend, pray… whatever works for you isn’t really important so long as it helps you. 

There is also nothing wrong with saying a situation is less than ideal.  Life isn’t easy.  People are flawed & will hurt you sometimes.  It’s ok to admit these things!  That doesn’t make you too negative or a bad person!

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Bringing Darkness Into The Light

Many people shy away from talking about negative experiences or unpleasant topics out of fear of being labeled judgmental, intolerant or lacking faith in God.  However, Ephesians 5:11 encourages us to bring everything into the light, including things that belong to the darkness.  

Ephesians 5:11 in the Good News Bible says, “Have nothing to do with the worthless things that people do, things that belong to the darkness. Instead, bring them out to the light.”  Paul is warning the Ephesians about the dangers of things like immorality, impurity, & greed.  He also encourages them to expose the works of darkness.

As Christians, we are called to live in the light & to expose the darkness.  This means that we cannot ignore or avoid unpleasant topics, but must confront them head-on.

Many people avoid negative topics because they want to focus on positive things & avoid anything that might bring them down.  While this is understandable, it’s also unhealthy.  When we ignore negative topics, we are not dealing with reality or acknowledging pain & suffering.

Furthermore, when we avoid negative topics, we may be inadvertently perpetuating problems.  By not speaking out against injustice, we allow it to continue.  By not acknowledging our own struggles, we prevent ourselves from getting the help we need to overcome them.  Avoiding negative topics also can lead to anxiety, depression, & other health problems.

When we discuss negative topics, we are no longer hiding from reality, but are confronting it, which allows us to experience healing & freedom.  When we are open about our sins & struggles to others, we can receive forgiveness, help & support.  When we expose injustice & oppression, we can work towards change & justice.  

We never should let anyone silence us.  We are called to be bold & courageous in speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  Of course, this does not mean that we should be rude or insensitive.  We should always speak the truth in love & with compassion. 

Furthermore, when we are open & honest about our own struggles, we give others permission to do the same.  We create a safe space where people can be vulnerable & authentic, & where healing & growth can occur.

Avoiding negative topics also shields people from the consequences that they should experience to show them that they need to change.   It prevents them from seeing the truth & from seeking forgiveness & redemption.

Some people may argue that confronting negative topics shows a lack of faith in God.  However, this is not true.  In fact, confronting negative topics requires a great deal of faith.  It requires trust that God is in control & that He can bring good out of even the most difficult situations.  Confronting negative topics is an important part of spiritual growth & maturity.  It allows us to see the world as it truly is & to respond to it in a way that is consistent with our faith.

While it is important to confront negative topics, it is also important to balance them with positive ones.  We should not dwell on negativity or allow it to consume us any more than we should focus only on positive topics.  We should strive to be a source of positivity & encouragement to others.  We should be quick to offer a kind word, a listening ear, or a helping hand to those in need.  We also should celebrate the successes & victories of others, & give thanks to God for all that He has done.  This is how we can confront the darkness while also shining a light on the hope & joy that is found in God.

In short, God gives us the strength & courage to confront negative topics with love & compassion. As His children, we are to be bold & courageous, always speaking the truth, even if it is unpopular.  We must balance negative topics with positive ones, & always confront negative topics in light of the gospel.

Having Healthy Boundaries With Empathy

Empathy is truly a wonderful thing & one of the best things God has given people.  Even so, there are times it can become a problem.  Lacking healthy boundaries with empathy is one of those times.

One obvious ways empathic people need healthy boundaries is feeling compassion for certain people.  It can be too easy for empathic people to tolerate terrible or even abusive behavior from someone who is dysfunctional or even toxic due to their own painful traumatic experiences.

I have done this. Many years ago, my husband & I were visiting his parents.  His mother said something that apparently his father disliked.  He insulted her for what she said, which obviously hurt her feelings badly.  Although she was a covert narcissist who clearly detested me, I still felt badly for her.  I had been trying to set healthy boundaries to let her know I was tired of tolerating her disrespect, but after watching how her husband spoke to her that day, I felt so badly for her that I tolerated her behavior quietly for a while.  Naively, I thought that maybe I was her only way to vent her hurt, frustrations & even anger.  I thought it might help her to get these awful feelings out by treating me badly, so I thought fine, I’ll deal with this.  Not like I wasn’t accustomed to her hating me, so I thought if it helps her feel better, so be it.  Thankfully I learned quickly that this wasn’t helping her & it was hurting me, so it needed to stop.

The trap I fell into can happen all too easily for an empathic person, as can going in the exact opposite direction.  Some empathic people can be so burned out on caring for other people that over time, they shut down their empathy.  They become cold & even cruel towards other people.  I have seen this with some victims of narcissistic abuse.  There have been a few times that I have mentioned feeling bad for a narcissist for some reason only to be attacked for that.  The attackers said things like there is no reason to feel badly for them.  They are evil, period, I needed to accept that & stop being so stupid as to pity them because they don’t deserve pity. 

Somewhere between these two examples lies a very good place for empathic people. 

If you are someone who naturally has a high degree of empathy for other people, I want to encourage you today to start using some of that empathy for yourself.  It may be time for you to learn some healthy boundaries.

You need to remember that you aren’t anyone’s punching bag. That really isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.  A person can vent to you about something, which is fine, but treating you badly repeatedly because someone else treated them badly is inexcusable!  That does no one any good, so don’t be foolish like I was & tolerate it thinking that it is helping someone.  It isn’t helping anyone & it hurts you!  You can have compassion, you can be empathic, yet you can have healthy boundaries too.

Also, going so far the other way as to shut down your natural empathy isn’t good either.  Look at the people who block it off, like narcissists.  They are miserable!  Ignoring natural empathy makes a person miserable, selfish & angry. 

Instead, accept that it is perfectly reasonable to feel compassion for someone who behaves badly, even abusers.  Yet, at the same time, it is also perfectly reasonable to have no space in your life to tolerate such behavior.  Refusing to allow others to mistreat you encourages them to change their behavior into something healthier.  You are giving them the chance to improve themselves.  And having this healthy balance is showing yourself love & compassion, not only showing it to other people.  You deserve that just as much as anyone else!

When People Make You Feel Overly Responsible For Your Relationships

In 2014, I shared a picture on Facebook.  It was taken on my parents’ wedding day in 1969.  In the picture, they were standing by my father’s car, talking to my mother’s uncle.  A rather innocent picture that I mistakenly thought even my highly judgmental, critical family wouldn’t have a problem with me sharing.  I was wrong.

The first comment was from one cousin.  She mentioned how my father & I shared a love of old cars.  He always taught me about cars.  Not only maintenance, but identifying engines, years, makes & models.  I said it was about the only thing we had in common but we really did share that love of cars.  She didn’t respond to my comment.  One of our aunts, however, did.  She was a very devoted flying monkey & covert narcissist, as is evident by her reaction.

This aunt attacked me & said I needed to figure out more things to share with my father.  She was so hateful that I simply deleted her comment without responding.  I knew anything I said would fall on deaf ears, so it wasn’t worth my time or energy to explain my side to her.

Wasn’t this ridiculous though?! My aunt said I should be the one to change to please my father.  Obviously she didn’t care about me, my feelings or interests.  She never told my father about how he should try to get interested in things I like to please me.  And, as the icing on the cake, she was disrespectful & down right hateful in sharing her ludicrous opinions with me.

This is how it often is with adult children of narcissistic parents.  We are the ones given the responsibility of making relationships in our lives work.  We grow up knowing we must figure out how to please our parents at all times.  After we grow up, it seems that not only are we supposed to make the parental relationship work, but other relationships too.  Marriages, in-laws, friendships, coworker relationships.. all are our responsibility according to many people in our lives. 

In thinking about this, I have developed a theory about why people think it’s up to victims to make relationships work.  We are the safe ones to put that burden on.

Consider my situation with my aunt.  She remembers me as the blindly obedient, terrified child I once was.  She clearly thought I was still easy to boss around & probably still starved for the approval of my parents.  These factors would make me the easier person to confront in this situation than my father who, like her, was a covert narcissist.  It makes sense in a way that she took the easy route by dealing with me instead of him.

While in an odd way, it’s almost a complement that someone feels safe so with you, it still just, well, stinks!  It’s not right for people to make you feel as if you’re the one who needs to do all the work & make all the changes in that situation!  If they are going to talk to you about making changes, they should talk to the other person as well.

If you are in this situation, you have rights!  You can ask this person why they think it’s ok to put this pressure on you while saying nothing to the other person (which might get them off your back because they can have no good answer to this question!).  You can tell them this topic isn’t up for discussion & refuse to discuss it with them.  You can set whatever boundaries you need to in order not to take full responsibility for fixing things, because that responsibility is not 100% yours!  Don’t let someone make you feel as if it is.  You deserve better than that!

The Difference Between Hurt & Harm With Boundaries

It’s common for us to use the words “hurt” & “harm” interchangeably, especially in everyday conversations, but what’s the actual difference between these two words?  It’s important to know the differences, but especially when setting boundaries.  In this post, we’ll explore the differences between hurt & harm, as well as how we can learn to make the distinction.

When we experience hurt with regard to boundaries, it usually comes from feeling disappointed or even angry that this person disagrees with us or won’t do something we ask.  Although hurt can be painful, it is usually not long-lasting.  Hurt also isn’t a deliberate act to cause pain. We can often recover from hurt quickly with some prayer, self-care, & support from friends and family.

Harm is more serious than hurt.  It is the direct result of someone else’s actions, & it can have long-term consequences.  Harm can come from abuse, neglect or exploitation.  In some cases, harm can lead to serious health complications & even death.  Setting & enforcing reasonable boundaries doesn’t harm anyone.  Abusive people however act like boundaries are harmful to them, & the person setting those boundaries is unreasonable, cruel & causing them great harm.  This makes the one setting those boundaries feel badly, & if that person is unaware of what the abuser is doing, they may disregard their boundary to please the abuser.  When this happens over & over again, the victim’s boundaries are eroded until there are none left, & the abuser is in control of the victim.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between hurt & harm if you’re not sure what to look for or are new to setting healthy boundaries.  There are some signs that might help you to recognize the difference. 

Healthy boundaries offer freedom.  The person receiving that boundary has the choice to respect it or not, & if not, they are aware there are consequences for that.  If the person receiving them doesn’t respect them & is faced with consequences, it may hurt their feelings but causes them no harm.  When there is no choice involved & someone is forced to do something they don’t want to do, that is very controlling & harmful.

Healthy boundaries encourage healthy, functional behavior from both the person setting the boundaries & the person on the receiving end of the boundaries.  Healthy behavior isn’t easy for someone accustomed to dysfunctional behavior, so it can hurt a bit at first.  However, it causes no harm.  Instead, it encourages self improvement.

You can tell a great deal about how someone feels about you by how they respond to your boundaries.  Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries.  If you are new to learning to have healthy boundaries, someone who cares for you will encourage your new growth.  A person who doesn’t truly respect or care for you will resist, criticize or even ignore your boundaries.  When victims of abuse first start to learn about boundaries, their abusers are usually very judgmental & cruel.  They accuse their victim of not being nice anymore or being selfish.  If that happens to you, just remember – they aren’t saying these things because they’re concerned about you.  They’re saying them because they realize they’re losing their control over you.  In their eyes, that’s a bad thing but in reality, it’s a very good thing, so keep doing what you’re doing!

We all deserve to feel safe & respected & healthy boundaries are a part of that. Knowing the difference between hurt & harm when setting boundaries definitely will help us to achieve that.

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

Signs Of Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are as varied as the individuals in them.  Some friendships are lifelong, somewhat like a marriage without the romantic aspect.  That is my best friend.  She knows more about me than anyone else excluding my husband.  Some friendships last for a while, but over time, simply fizzle out.  The once close friendship becomes more distant over time until both parties realize it’s been a very long time since they spoke, & neither is overly interested in reaching out.  It’s not about lack of fondness for each other, but more about simply growing apart.  These friendships are quite normal.

Then there are the unhealthy friends.  There isn’t much information about them readily available, so today I thought discussing them would be a good idea.

Following are some signs that your friendship is unhealthy, & it may be time for you to move on.

A friendship that is out of balance on a consistent basis is very unhealthy.  Anyone with at least one close friend knows that there are times the friendship will be out of balance.  One of you experiences a crisis, so the other is there to help however they can.  The helper doesn’t discuss much if anything about what is happening in their life during this time.  After the crisis has passed, the friendship resumes its more balanced nature.  The helper isn’t upset by the out of balance arrangement because either they have been the one in need of help before or they know their friend will be there for them if they face a crisis.  When one person is consistently the needy one & shows little or no consideration for the other however, this is a big red flag that the needy person is simply using the other.

A “friend” who fails to respect your needs & your time isn’t really your friend.  I’ve had plenty of friends like this.  All that mattered to them was what they thought they needed when they needed it, & nothing else was important.  I’ve had several friends who insisted on talking to me about their life & problems on the phone for hours, at any time of day, never once caring that I had other things to do.  Telling them I needed to go was met with talking over me or otherwise acting like I said nothing. 

You know that sharing anything about you or your life will be turned back around to them.  One former friend of mine was exceptionally skilled at doing this.  I talked to her a couple days after my father in-law died.  I mentioned that & I was concerned about my husband.  Her response?  “Oh, that’s too bad.  Anyway…” then she went on to discuss her life… even though she had spent the last half hour at least talking about it before I was able to tell her about my father in-law.  When I told my best friend the same thing, she immediately asked how my husband was doing, asked how I was doing, asked if she could do anything & said she’d be praying for us.  Such a difference!

A friend who says they don’t have time for you, but they have time for others isn’t really your friend.  The fact is people make time for what is important to them.  If someone says they are too busy to spend time with you briefly, that is one thing.  Sometimes life gets hectic, but things eventually calm down.  A person who constantly says they are too busy for you yet spends time with other friends doesn’t value your friendship.

It can hurt acknowledging some friendships are unhealthy, but I can promise you it’s absolutely worth it.  I have removed every single person like this from my life, & my life is so much better now!  I can’t tell you how much more peaceful life is without “friends” like this constantly disrupting my day & ruining my mood.  If you have unhealthy friendships, I urge you to make changes.  By losing the unhealthy friends, you will free yourself up to gain healthy ones.  Psalm 68:6 says that God gives families to the lonely, & I have found that to be so true!  My close friends are more like family than friends.  What He did for me, He can do for you too!

Different Types of Empathy

Empathy is a crucial component of human relationships.  It is the ability to understand & share the feelings of another person.  According to researchers Paul Ekman & Daniel Goleman, there are different types of empathy. Today, we will explore these types of empathy.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what someone feels & is experiencing intellectually.  It is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes & see things from their perspective.  However, it does not involve being emotionally affected.  This type of empathy is essential in many professions, such as counseling, teaching, & leadership.  Cognitive empathy is an essential tool for us to understand & serve others effectively.  However, it is essential to remember that cognitive empathy alone is not enough.  We also need emotional empathy to connect with others on a deeper level.

Affective or emotional empathy is the ability to feel others’ emotions & even sometimes their physical pain.  It involves experiencing the same emotions as the person with who we empathize.  This type of empathy is essential in building strong relationships & connecting with others emotionally.  We see many examples in the Bible of Jesus being moved by compassion & empathy towards those He encountered.  However, it is important to be careful not to let emotional empathy overwhelm us or cause us to lose objectivity.  

Compassionate empathy or empathetic concern is a combination of both cognitive & emotional empathy.  It involves understanding & sharing the feelings of another person while also feeling a desire to help them.  This type of empathy is the most effective in building strong relationships & serving others effectively, yet is also the least common type of empathy.  Compassionate empathy is essential in fulfilling the calling on Christians to be compassionate to & to serve others.  It is so important to remember that this type of empathy can be exhausting.  It is easy to burn out when we are constantly empathizing with others, especially on this level.  It is essential to take care of ourselves & seek rest & renewal when we need it.

There are different levels of empathy, ranging from low to high.  Some people have only one type of empathy, while others have all three.  The ability to empathize is also influenced by factors such as personality, upbringing, & life experiences.

As Christians, we are called to develop empathy towards our fellow man.  We can do this by seeking to understand them, putting ourselves in their shoes, & asking God to help us empathize with them.

Also remember that empathy is not something that can be forced.  It takes time & effort to fully develop empathy towards others.

Empathy can be exhausting, especially when we are constantly empathizing with others. Signs of empathy burnout include feeling emotionally drained, lacking motivation, being judgmental, critical, cynical, resentful, thinking people are oversensitive, being careless in relationships & feeling a sense of detachment from others. It is crucial to recognize the signs of empathy burnout & take action to prevent it.

It’s so important to take care of ourselves & seek rest & renewal when we need it, especially when feeling burned out. We can do this by praying, journaling, relaxing with hobbies, or engaging in low-stress activities we enjoy.

It is essential to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish. It is necessary to care for ourselves so that we can care for others effectively.  Even Jesus took time to Himself to rest.

We can prevent empathy burnout by setting boundaries, regularly practicing self-care, seeking support from others, & taking breaks when we need them.

Empathy is a crucial component of human relationships. However, it is important to remember that empathy can be exhausting & lead to burnout.  It is essential to take care of ourselves & seek rest & renewal when we need it.  Jesus was the perfect example of displaying empathy & also self care.  We should follow His example in every way, including this way.

How & Why People Try To Normalize Bad Behavior

Have you ever wondered why some people try to normalize bad behavior?  Why do they downplay or even defend actions that are clearly harmful or abusive?  The answer is complex & goes deep into the dysfunctional mind.

When it comes to dysfunctional or abusive relationships, people use various coping mechanisms to survive the emotional turmoil.  One common yet very dysfunctional coping mechanism is the act of normalizing bad behavior.  By convincing themselves that the actions of their abusers are not evil or abusive, they create a distorted reality where their trauma becomes more manageable.

For many victims, admitting that their abusers were truly evil would mean confronting the depth of their pain & the extent of the trauma they endured.  It can be incredibly difficult to accept that someone you loved & trusted could be capable of such cruelty.  Doing that is a frightening prospect, one that is too frightening for some people.  But, if they can normalize the behavior, they can avoid having to accept the painful truth.  If they can convince themselves that the abusive behavior is normal or acceptable, they can shield themselves from the full weight of their trauma.

Narcissists have different reasons when it comes to normalizing bad behavior.  They actively condition their victims to tolerate abuse by convincing them that it is not as bad as they think it is.  By subtly manipulating their victims’ perception of reality, over time, narcissists make their victims feel ashamed for being upset or traumatized by the abuse.

Through gaslighting, a common tactic used by narcissists, victims are made to question the validity of their emotions & over time, even question their own sanity.  Narcissists will twist the truth, deny their actions, or even blame the victim for provoking the abuse.  This constant manipulation erodes a victim’s self esteem & makes them believe that their reactions to the abuse are exaggerated or unwarranted.  It also makes them believe their reactions are the real problem rather than the abuse.

As a result of all of this manipulation, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to tolerate the abusive behavior in an attempt to avoid the shame associated with their emotional responses.  They fear being labeled as overly sensitive, irrational or crazy, & so they suppress their true feelings.  This allows the narcissist to maintain control over the victim & perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

By normalizing bad behavior, both dysfunctional individuals & narcissists create an illusion of normalcy that shields them from facing any harsh reality.  For dysfunctional individuals, it helps them maintain the illusion of normalcy & stability in their lives, even if those things are built upon a foundation of denial.  By convincing themselves that the abuse they endured is not truly abusive, they can continue to function without confronting the trauma.

Similarly, narcissists rely on the normalization of their behavior to perpetuate their control over their victims.  By making the victims believe that the abuse is normal or deserved, they ensure that the victim will not seek help or escape the toxic relationship.  This manipulation allows the narcissist to maintain power & control, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

To sum it up, the normalization of bad behavior serves as a coping mechanism for dysfunctional individuals & a means of control for narcissists.  By distorting reality & convincing themselves or their victims that the abuse is not bad or is even simply normal behavior, they create an environment where abuse can be denied.  Understanding these dynamics is crucial for breaking free of abuse, healing from it & protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse.  Remember, as painful as the ugly truth can be, it’s always less painful than living a lie.

Ways To Build A Closer More Loving Marriage: Tips For Husbands

Women are often given plenty of advice on how to be a loving wife & how to support our husbands.  However, there seems to be a lack of guidance when it comes to being a loving, supportive husband.  I thought today would be a good day to explore some practical ways to help men create a more loving marriage that brings joy to both husbands & their wives.

Ephesians 5:25-33 says that it is a husband’s responsibility to love & cherish your wives.  Yet, it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of life & put such things on the back burner.  This shouldn’t be!  There are some simple things men can do to show their wives that they are loved & cherished

One of the most important things you can do is making sure your wives feel like a top priority.  As Christians, God naturally should be first, but after Him, your wives should be your top priority.  One way to do this is to pray for & with your wife.  This is a powerful way to connect spiritually & emotionally.  It shows that you care deeply about her well being & are committed to walking together in faith.

In addition to prayer, it’s also important to let your wives know that they are always on your minds.  Simple gestures such as sending a text or making a quick call during the day when you are apart can go a long way in making her feel loved & appreciated.  These small acts of thoughtfulness show that you value her presence in your life & that she is always in your thoughts.

Your wife also needs to know that you do not expect perfection from her.  Marriage is a journey of growth & learning, & it is vital to create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves.  By reassuring her that you accept & love her unconditionally, flaws & all, you foster an atmosphere of trust & understanding.

Acts of love & thoughtfulness can strengthen the bond between husband & wife.  Surprise your wife with small, meaningful gifts just because.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant; a heartfelt note, a flower, or her favorite treat can make her day.  These gestures remind her that she is cherished & that you are always thinking of her.

Another way to show love & support is by taking an active role in household chores.  It is unfair for all the responsibilities to fall on your wife’s shoulders.  Regularly ask what you can do or even take the initiative to pitch in without being asked.  If she’s been the primary one to do chores, then ask her how she wants you to do things.  She has experience in this area, so trust that she knows best how to maintain your home.

An open & safe space for communication is so important in marriage.  Share your thoughts, dreams, & concerns with your wife & encourage her to share hers with you.  By allowing each other into your inner worlds, you strengthen the emotional connection & gain a deeper understanding of each other.  Actively listening & engaging in meaningful conversations will make your wife feel valued & loved.

As husbands, you always should have your wives’ backs.  Defend & protect her against anyone who is critical or disrespectful, including family members.  Show unwavering support, both privately & publicly.  By doing this, you increase her trust & let your wife know that you are her biggest advocate & ally.

Lastly, never stop wooing your wife.  Just because you are married doesn’t mean romance should fade away.  Continue to surprise her, plan date nights, & find ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship.  Small gestures like leaving love notes, planning surprise outings, or even a small but meaningful gift reminds her of your love.  If you aren’t sure how to do this, watch how Gomez treated Morticia in the Adaams family movies.  Clearly he adored his wife & showed it at any opportunity.

By making a conscious effort to be a loving husband, you can create a closer & more loving relationship with your wife.  Remember, showing love is not something to be checked off a to do list, but a continuous display of your love & commitment.  With God’s help, you can cultivate a marriage that flourishes & brings joy to both you & your wife.

Validation For My Younger Readers And Followers

I have noticed in the recent past that my writing has gotten a surprising amount of attention from those who are in their teen years into their mid twenties. Today I thought I’d share some things that might have helped me when I was that age & I hope help those of my younger listeners.

Saying “no” isn’t always a sign of a child disrespecting their parents. Sometimes, it simply means the child has a different opinion or is unable at the moment to do something their parents ask them to do. Typically abusive parents are very quick to jump to bad conclusions when their children say no to them, even when there is no reason for the bad conclusions. If this was your situation with your parents, remember, saying “no” isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It’s a boundary, & boundaries aren’t bad!

Not everyone is a social butterfly. When a child wants to spend time alone in their room, it isn’t necessarily a sign that child is sad or hiding something. As adults on their own, the equivalent is not everyone wants to spend lots of time with their family. Neither is a slight towards their family. It simply means that they need a little time to themselves or they have other things that need their attention. There is nothing wrong with this! You are OK for wanting to spend some time away from your family, no matter your age!

Parents shouldn’t tell their children how they believe they feel or think. While they may know their children well, that doesn’t mean they know everything. It’s not right to assume things about anyone, especially bad things about their own children. It’s very discouraging to the children, no matter their age! It also damages or even destroys a child’s ability to think for themselves. Your parents don’t know everything about you. You know you better! Or if you don’t feel you do, then get to know the real you. It’s a healthy thing to do!

No matter a child’s age, having their parents tell them positive & encouraging things is very uplifting. Depriving a child of those things is extremely discouraging & makes the child feel unloved. Even if it isn’t done with a malicious intent just thoughtlessness, it still hurts children. It’s normal for children to be hurt when deprived of encouragement, even if they aren’t actively discouraged. It is possible though to be satisfied with encouraging yourself. Self encouragement & validation is so important! Do these things & do them often!

When parents argue, it affects their children, no matter their children’s age. There is no good reason to drag children into parental fights! It’s perfectly fine for children to know their parents disagree & argue sometimes, but it is NOT fine to get their children involved by fighting in front of them. I grew up this way & can tell you from personal experience the only thing this does to a child is make them miserable. If at all possible, avoid your fighting parents. If not, refuse to get involved as much as you can. Let them work things out without your help.

Similarly, talking badly about the other parent to the child is a horrible thing to do! It is very upsetting to a child. Parents should talk about matters like this to their friends or family, not their children! It may make them feel better but it hurts their child. If you’re a child in this situation, my heart goes out to you! Try changing the subject when your parent behaves this way, or leave the room or hang up the phone.

Parents never should ask their children to choose sides when they argue or divorce. Ever! It’s cruel to make any child feel that they must choose one parent over the other. If you’re angry about your parents doing this to you, you have every right to be! Process your anger. Talk to someone safe about it, journal, pray.. do what helps you to deal with that anger, but don’t hold it in. That is so bad for your mental & physical health!

Also remember, just because you may be young doesn’t mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior. Distance yourself from it as best you can. Learn about setting healthy boundaries. If your parent is abusive, protect yourself & ask for help doing so if you live with that parent. Take care of yourself. I’m praying for you!

Just Because You Don’t Think Something Is A Problem Doesn’t Mean It’s Not A Problem

Has someone ever complained about something that seemed trivial to you?  Maybe you brushed it off, thinking they were just sensitive or overreacting.  This is wrong!  Just because you don’t think something is a problem doesn’t mean it’s not a real problem for someone else. 

Years ago, I used to complain to my narcissistic ex husband about his sloppiness.  It made me feel like he thought of me more like his maid than his wife.  On top of that, he knew I had back pain that made cleaning a painful task.  Yet, every time I said anything, he brushed me off, saying he didn’t mind the mess.  Nothing changed, & I felt like my feelings & needs didn’t matter to him.  This type of scenario is very common among judgmental & abusive people.

Dismissing someone’s complaint is essentially telling them that their feelings & even they don’t matter.  This can be incredibly damaging to the person on the receiving end.  If they are treated this way often, they question their own emotions, thinking that maybe they are overreacting or too sensitive.  This invalidation erodes their self esteem by making them feel unheard & unimportant.

Ignoring complaints also makes the person dismissing the concerns feel superior & in control.  This contributes to an abusive dynamic, where the abuser exerts control by belittling their partner’s emotions & needs.  Over time, this makes it even harder for them to speak up for themselves.

It’s crucial that we recognize the impact of our actions & words.  By acknowledging someone’s complaint, we show them that we value their perspective & respect their feelings.  This simple act can go a long way in nurturing happy, healthy relationships.  And, minimizing or ignoring their complaints has the opposite effect, damaging not only the relationship but the person with the complaint.  Proverbs 18:21 says that life & death are in the power of the tongue, & this situation proves that to be very true.

When listening, we often hear others speak, but we don’t truly listen to what they are saying.  When someone expresses their concerns, it’s vital that we actively listen instead of thinking of our defense.  This means giving them our undivided attention, without interrupting or dismissing their feelings.  This also involves trying to understand their emotions & motivations behind the complaint.  By seeing things from their perspective, we can see how our actions affect them.  It’s an opportunity for growth & self reflection, allowing us to identify areas where we can make positive changes.

Active listening helps to cultivate a healthy relationship.  It shows the other person that we care & are willing to make an effort for them.  It says, “You & your feelings matter to me.”

We also must take responsibility for our actions & make changes if possible.  This requires humility & willingness to recognize our flaws & make changes.  Doing these things demonstrates that we value the relationship & the other person’s happiness & are committed to creating a safe environment where their needs are respected & prioritized. 

Of course, there may be situations where it’s not possible to immediately stop the behavior that upsets someone.  In such cases, it becomes crucial to communicate openly & honestly about the limitations & explore alternative solutions.  The key in these situations is to show a genuine commitment to finding a resolution that respects both parties’ needs & boundaries.

There also are times when complaints are based on a misunderstanding.  Actively listening & communication can reveal when this is the case.

Remember, just because you don’t think something is a problem doesn’t mean it’s not a real problem for someone else.  The next time someone tells you that something you do upsets them, listen with an open heart & be willing to make positive changes.  It’s a small step that can make a world of difference.

Signs Someone Does Not Truly Care About You

Have you ever felt like you’re always the one reaching out, making plans, & putting in effort, while the other person seems indifferent or uninterested?  It can be hurtful & confusing, especially if you care deeply about that person.  Today, we will explore some signs that someone is not invested in your relationship or friendship.

One of the most fundamental ways someone shows they care about you is by making time for you.  If someone is always too busy or unavailable, it could be a sign that they don’t prioritize you in their life.  Of course, everyone has obligations & responsibilities, but if someone constantly cancels plans or never initiates spending time together, it may be worth reevaluating the relationship. 

If you share your thoughts, feelings, or experiences with someone & they consistently invalidate or gaslight you, it indicates a lack of care.  For example, if you tell someone that something they did hurt your feelings, & their response is to tell you that you’re being too sensitive or that you’re overreacting, they are not showing empathy or concern for your emotions.  Someone who cares about you will take responsibility for their actions & apologize if they hurt you.  They won’t try to shift the blame or make excuses.  They will recognize that their behavior had an impact on you, & they will try to make amends & do better in the future.

Someone who cares about you will make an effort to validate your feelings & experiences.  They will listen to you without judgment, & offer support & understanding.  They will acknowledge your perspective & let you know that they hear you.  It’s so important to feel seen & heard in any relationship! 

Another sign that someone does not care about you is if they consistently do things that they know upset you.  Maybe they make insensitive jokes or comments, or they engage in behaviors that you find disrespectful or hurtful.  If you’ve communicated your boundaries & they continue to ignore them, it’s a clear indication that they are not taking your feelings or needs into account.

Someone who cares about you will be considerate of your time, feelings, & preferences.  They make an effort to accommodate your needs & wants, & they respect your boundaries.  They won’t pressure you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, & they won’t dismiss your requests as unreasonable or unnecessary.

Someone who cares about you also will defend you to others who mistreat you or speak badly about you.  They won’t tolerate anyone disrespecting you or putting you down, & they will make it clear that they have your back.  Conversely, someone who does not care about you may defend the person mistreating you, or even encourage you to stay in a toxic relationship or friendship.

Someone who cares about you will be invested in your emotional well-being.  They will ask how you’re doing & genuinely listen to your response.  They will offer comfort & support when you’re going through a tough time, & they will celebrate your successes & achievements.

Someone who does not care about you may be dismissive or apathetic when you’re struggling.  They minimize your problems or tell you to just “get over it.” They won’t be there for you when you need them, or they may only be present when it’s convenient for them.

It’s important to have people in your life who care about you & support you emotionally.  If someone consistently shows a lack of empathy or emotional support, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship & prioritize your own well-being.   Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, & care, & don’t settle for anything less.

When Insecure People Are Toxic

Have you ever met someone who seemed to make you feel inferior, no matter what you did?  Maybe they were critical of everything you said or did, or maybe they exhibited narcissistic behaviors that made you feel like you were always failing, wrong or walking on eggshells around them.  These people can be toxic, & oftentimes, their behavior stems from deep-seated insecurity that they’re not willing to address. 

Insecure people often exhibit behaviors that can be harmful to those around them.  They may act smug or superior to hide their insecurity, in an effort to make others feel inferior.  They may find comfort in routine & stability, to the point that they resist change.  This means that they’ll fight change hard enough to hurt others, even if the change is necessary.  They can also be very critical & competitive, always trying to prove themselves, put others down or do both at the same time.  Many even exhibit narcissistic behaviors to hide their insecurity, some evolving into full-blown narcissists.  These behaviors can be especially harmful if they’re not addressed.

It’s important to note that not all insecure people exhibit toxic behavior.  Some may keep their insecurity to themselves, while others may actively work to address it in healthy ways.  However, when insecurity is allowed to fester & manifest in harmful behaviors, it can become toxic.

It’s also worth mentioning that everyone experiences insecurity at some point in their lives.  It’s perfectly natural.  However, it’s how we deal with that insecurity that can make it toxic.  If we’re not willing to address it, it can manifest in harmful ways that hurt both ourselves & those around us.

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who exhibits this type of harmful behavior, you need to take action to protect yourself & those around you.  The first step is to ask God for help.  Pray for wisdom, discernment & guidance in identifying the toxic behavior & the best course of action to take.

When dealing with someone like this, it’s also important to logically question what the toxic person is saying.  Don’t take their criticism or put-downs at face value.  Instead, ask yourself if what they’re saying is true.  If it’s not, don’t internalize their negativity.  And ask them other questions such as to clarify what they’re saying, why they are saying this & what evidence do they have that what they’re saying is true.

Setting healthy boundaries is also a must.  Be clear about what behavior is acceptable & what is not.  It may mean limiting your interactions with the toxic person, or even ending the relationship altogether if they’re unwilling to change the behaviors that they know continually hurts you.

If you find yourself feeling guilty about ending a toxic relationship, remember that staying enables their bad behavior & hurts you.  No good comes from that.  It’s important to prioritize your own well-being & surround yourself with positive, supportive people who lift you up instead of tearing you down.

Ending a toxic relationship can be difficult, but it’s often necessary for your own = well-being.  You deserve to be treated with respect & kindness!  You also have the power to create healthy relationships in your life.

Ultimately, it’s up to the toxic person to address their insecurity & harmful behavior.  You can’t force them to change, but you can take control of your own life & set boundaries that protect you from their toxicity.  You can protect yourself from their toxicity & create healthy, positive relationships in your life.

Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

Some People Who Want To Help Others May Appear Kind But Their Motives Are Purely Selfish

It’s not uncommon for people to want to help others, whether it’s lending a hand or a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, some individuals take on this role for purely selfish reasons, & covert narcissists are people who do exactly that.  

Covert narcissists often behave in this way.  They act like they are doing something to help other people, but in reality, they are only doing what they are doing as a way to benefit themselves.  They often easily manipulate or control their victims by appearing meek & helpful when the truth is that they are anything but.  Today, we will discuss this particular behavior of the covert narcissist & how to recognize them.

Covert narcissists often try to help people for all the wrong reasons.  They want to make themselves look good or feel better about themselves by helping others.  It’s important to recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissists so you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior.

Some of the most common signs of a covert narcissist include but are not limited to always talking about themselves in a humble way, a complete lack of genuine empathy, being very self centered, expecting others to be grateful for their help even when it isn’t truly helpful or needed, subtly manipulating conversations such as frequently interrupting, & always trying to be the hero.  

I’ve been around quite a few covert narcissists in my life.  My ex husband & my late mother in-law were covert narcissists, as was my father.  One thing they all had in common was saying that they wanted to help me, but their motives were anything less than unselfish.  They wanted to be the hero in an attempt to make me dependent on them.  My father in particular always wanted to be the one to fix things for me, & he clearly didn’t care if I could solve the problem or not.

It was difficult to recognize this behavior at the time, but looking back, I can see how manipulative this behavior was.  My father & ex often tried to control the situation & make me reliant on them.  Their actions were clearly selfish, & they didn’t care about helping me, but only about how it would make them look or feel about themselves.

It’s important to recognize these signs of a covert narcissist & protect yourself from their manipulation.  If you suspect that someone is a covert narcissist, be wary of their intentions when they try to help you, & don’t let them control the situation by “rescuing” you.  If you recognize that they constantly are trying to help you when it is unnecessary & unasked for, thank them for their effort, remind them that you can handle the situation, & don’t allow them to participate in solving your problem.  Any small access they have to your situation, they will use to their advantage, & they will use it to hurt or control you.  They probably will be offended that you don’t want their help, but it is better than allowing such toxic people into your personal life where they can hurt & control you.

Covert narcissists are cruel, heartless people who try to appear as good, caring people by helping others.  They will manipulate or control their victims at any opportunity, & don’t truly care about helping them.  It’s important to recognize the signs of covert narcissists & protect yourself from their toxic behavior.  It’s also important to recognize that not everyone who helps others is a covert narcissist, & to be open to genuine acts of kindness.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, remember that you are not alone.  Reach out to supportive people in your life, such as family or friends.  I also have a group on Facebook full of supportive, kind, caring people who have experienced all matters of narcissistic abuse.  It’s a safe place to communicate with others who have experienced similar situations to yours.  Feel free to connect with it if you like!

Finding Healing From Narcissistic Abuse With Other Survivors

My Facebook group is full of some really wonderful people.  Godly, kind, caring, & very intelligent.  I’ve made some great friends through this group.  One of which & I were talking not long ago about where we have found the most help in understanding narcissists.  She told me that I can quote her, so this is what she said.  She has been to 14 counselors including psychologists, a psychiatrist, pastors, church counselors & an EDMR specialist but none of them gave her the kind of help that I have.  Me, with no formal education in the mental health field, no LCSW or PHD or anything behind my name!

I’m not saying this to brag.  I’m saying this because what my friend said next made a very good point.  She said I have helped her more than those counselors because I’ve been through so much with narcissists.  I have no formal training, but I have plenty of experience, & sometimes that is just what you need to help you in certain situations.  Narcissistic abuse recovery is one of those situations. 

While I mean no disrespect to mental health professionals, they usually don’t know much about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or any of the Cluster B disorders.  I have two counselor friends who told me something very interesting.  They don’t know each other, so naturally they never have spoken.  They are about 15-20 years apart in age & studied at different colleges in different parts of the country.  Yet, both said the exact same thing, that they had only one afternoon’s study about all of the Cluster B personality disorders.  That’s it for FOUR very complex personality disorders!  If both of the counselors I have spoken to have the exact same experience in this area of their education, I would guess it’s common if not the norm. 

Don’t take this as seeing a professional to heal from narcissistic abuse is a waste of time.  It isn’t, so long as you choose the right counselor.  You can’t pick just any counselor to help you with abuse recovery.  You will need to find a counselor that specializes in abuse recovery or trauma focused therapy. 

If you can’t find a counselor with these specialties or can’t or would prefer not to see a counselor, the good thing is healing is still possible!  The friend who inspired me to discuss this topic has made leaps & bounds in her healing journey because she found knowledge & help from others who also have been through a lot at the hands of narcissists.  Their knowledge & experiences have helped her tremendously, & their understanding & compassion validated her, which has enabled her to help other victims as she was helped.  She likened it to a relationship between a recovering alcoholic & an active alcoholic.  No one can understand the struggles of the active one like someone who has been in the same situation.  Would you expect a person who has never drank so much as one beer to understand the struggles of someone who can’t go a day without drinking a fifth of whiskey?  Absolutely not!  So why would narcissistic abuse recovery be any different?

If you are looking for help in your healing journey, & won’t see a counselor for whatever reason, you can heal!  I haven’t seen a counselor in many years either due to my lack of trust after seeing some less than caring ones.  Like my friend though, have learned a great deal from others who have experiences similar to mine as well as studying narcissism.  Consider looking for help elsewhere as she & I have.  Connecting with people who share similar experiences is invaluable!  Many online forums are available.  As I mentioned, I have a wonderful group on Facebook, but there are many others too on Facebook or other websites.  A quick internet search will point you to many of these forums. 

What Makes A Good Person Truly Good

So many people think that being a good person means that someone is very caring, willing to do anything for anyone, sacrifice anything & everything of themselves to others which includes those who treat them badly, & someone who never says or thinks anything negatively of other people.

The truth is that this isn’t the definition of a good person.  This is the definition of a doormat.  A person like this is going to be used & abused.  Naturally this will make many people who try to be good people think being a good person is a waste of time & sets them up for being mistreated.  They naturally prefer not to be so called “good people” over being treated so badly, & who can blame them?

Let’s consider what it’s like to be a good person rather than a doormat that people claim is a good person.

A good person is realistic.  If someone mistreats people, is arrogant, entitled or deliberately hurts other people, a good person recognizes these things & treats that person accordingly, even if that means eliminating that person from their life.

A good person also has standards.  They don’t tolerate just anything.  They give their best to others in every area of their lives, & they expect others to do the same thing.

A good person has boundaries.  They will respect your space, wants & needs, & act accordingly. They also expect you to return the favor to them.  If you cross certain boundaries with them, they won’t hesitate to call you out on it in a respectful way.  They also will care for you & watch out for you but they also have no problem saying no when they believe it is best to do so.

A good person shows respect to everyone, but also expects others to respect them in return.  This isn’t because they demand people respect them, but because they are aware that they are worthy of respect.

A good person is patient.  This doesn’t mean that they are weak nor are they willing to tolerate others using them.

A good person is very compassionate, but is not naive.  They will be very kind & gentle with a person, but if they realize that person is trying to use or abuse them, they won’t tolerate it.

A good person always will encourage you & build you up.  That doesn’t mean that they will tolerate you trying to tear them down as a way to build yourself up, however.

A good person will tell a person what they need to hear, even when it’s not necessarily what they want to hear because showing others God’s love is more important to them than building up their ego.

In short, being a good person isn’t what many people assume it is.  A good person can be truly good without being willing to tolerate nonsense or abuse.

Boundaries Are Good For Everyone!

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that giving someone everything they want & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..”

Did you notice what that verse says?  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  Worst of all, they also can be narcissists.  It’s very good for people not to get their own way all of the time. 

It’s also good for people not to do for others all of the time, because those who are catered to will come to expect that.  They can become very entitled & demanding rather than appreciating all someone does for them or returning the favor.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid having any boundaries, & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems to be the easier alternative to being shamed for having boundaries.  

After years or even a lifetime of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, setting boundaries seems almost impossible, & I don’t mean only with the narcissist.  It can seem impossible to have boundaries with anyone.  It can be done though!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to help you learn how to set & enforce healthy boundaries.  Ask Him for strength & wisdom & anything else you need in this area.

Start small.  Don’t be available every single time someone wants to speak to you.  Let the phone ring sometimes.  Don’t answer that email or text immediately.  If you must get together with someone, suggest a different time or even day than they want.  These tiny steps can help you to gain confidence & set bigger boundaries. 

Remind yourself often that it isn’t your job to please other people.  It is your job to please other people according to what is good for them, according to Romans 15:2.  Sometimes what is good for someone is doing things for them & being a blessing, but other times what is good for someone is saying no or forcing them to handle something without your assistance.

Don’t let other people make you feel as if you’re a terrible person for having boundaries & telling them “no” sometimes!  That is certainly NOT the case!

You Matter!

Since my readers & followers consist primarily of people who have survived narcissistic abuse as I have, I naturally try to provide information to help either in dealing with narcissists, going no contact or healing from narcissistic abuse.  Simple encouragement, however, doesn’t happen all that often, & that is wrong on my part.  Everyone needs encouragement sometimes, & that is what I want to do today.

Victims of narcissistic abuse usually don’t realize their true worth & value.  How could they when narcissists do their level best to make sure their victims’ self esteem is utterly destroyed?  When a narcissist reminds you constantly about all of your faults, even ones you really don’t have, maintaining any sense of self esteem is nearly impossible.  So today, I just want you to know that no matter what a narcissist has told you, you matter.

You may think God made mistakes when He made you, but He certainly didn’t!  He made you as He did for valid reasons!  Ephesians 2:10 in the Good News Bible says, “God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do.”  And, Psalm 139:16 says, “you saw me before I was born.  The days allotted to me. had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.”  Clearly, God knew what He was doing when He made you, so obviously you mean so much to Him.

You may think no one would notice if you just disappeared from the lives of the people you love, but that isn’t true.  They would miss you & be devastated if you were no longer a part of their lives.  You fill a special place in their lives that no one else but you ever could fill.  You matter a great deal to them.

You may think the man or woman you love needs you to be low maintenance, to avoid “bothering” this person with your needs, wants or feelings, but that isn’t true.  Someone who truly loves you wants to know all about your needs, wants & feelings.  And, believe it or not, they will be happy to do things for you.  This person is with you because they don’t love anyone like they love you, & they want to share their life with you.  You matter so much to this person.

If you have children, you are of the utmost importance to them.  Children love their parents automatically.  I’m sure you have made mistakes raising your children & think that makes you an awful parent, but you’re wrong.  All parents make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with that so long as you apologize & make things right to the best of your ability.  You taking care of your children, showing them love & protecting them makes you a wonderful parent, & you children love you.  You matter more to them than you realize.

If you have pets, I can promise that you matter a great deal to your pets too.  Animals may offer unconditional love, but even so, they aren’t happy with people who dislike them or mistreat them.  If your pet greets you when you come home, snuggles up to you while you watch tv or sleep, or just generally wants to be in your space, those are just some of the signs that say you matter a great deal to your baby.

Today, just remember that no matter what any terrible, cruel narcissist has said, you matter.  You matter much more than you know to those people in your life.  You aren’t whatever the narcissist told you that you were.  They only said such things as a way to hurt you.  In fact, what narcissists criticize most is what they are the most envious of in their victims.  They criticize those things to make their victims feel those special things about them aren’t really special, not because they mean what they are saying.  They know they are lying, even though they won’t admit it.  Just remember that, & give their lies no credibility. 

Starting today, please start reminding yourself often that you matter, because you truly do matter!  And while you’re at it, ask God to show you that you matter.  He will be more than happy to do so!

Showing Your Emotions

It seems to me that many people consider people who are free with showing their emotions weak, “drama queens or kings” or even crazy.  Not showing emotions is often looked on as a sign of strength.  I really disagree with this thinking.  There really is nothing wrong or bad about showing what you feel inside.

Years ago, I remember my mother telling me about her mail carrier.  She hadn’t seen her for a while, then finally saw her one day.  She asked how she was doing & where she had been.  Turned out the lady’s husband committed suicide.  My mother thought her composure in discussing this topic was admirable.  I disagreed!  This lady could have been in a state of shock & was unable to show emotions due to that.  But, she also could have been glad he was gone & didn’t miss him.  Her lack of emotions gave no clue which was how she was feeling about her loss.

Showing emotions is a healthy thing to do.  It helps you to process them in healthy ways.  Did you know many people who don’t process anger often end up with health problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease & digestive issues?  They also can suffer from depression since sometimes repressed anger manifests as depression.

Showing emotions also helps people to know where they stand with you.  If you weren’t obviously happy that your spouse brought you your favorite coffee as a surprise sometimes, how would he or she know how much you appreciated it?  Or, if you held in disappointment, how would your child know that he or she needed to work harder to get better grades?

The Bible even describes times when Jesus showed His emotions.  When Lazarus died, Jesus knew He would raise him from the dead, but even so, He was emotional & let that show.  John 11: 32-35 says,  “³² When Mary came [to the place] where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” ³³ When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was deeply moved in spirit [to the point of anger at the sorrow caused by death] and was troubled, ³⁴ and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said, “Lord, come and see.” ³⁵ Jesus wept.”  The Gospels also tell the story of Jesus becoming enraged when He saw people buying & selling in the temple.  He drove animals & people out & flipped over tables.  Hardly the actions of someone afraid of showing their emotions.

Showing emotions is truly a courageous thing to do.  It shows you aren’t afraid of the opinions or judgment of other people.  It shows you are brave enough to be vulnerable.  It shows you are in touch with your emotions, which is a very healthy way to be.

What is not courageous is hiding all emotions behind a mask of stoicism.  This often is a trauma response created by those who have been exposed to cruel people who criticize them for how they feel & invalidate their feelings.  If this describes you, please know that you don’t need to be that way anymore.  You are an adult & allowed to feel your feelings & yes, even show them!  That doesn’t make you oversensitive, overreacting, stupid or even crazy.  It makes you human. 

If you’re struggling to get in touch with your emotions, I suggest praying, paying attention to how you feel about everything & journaling about your experiences.  Read over your journal entries periodically too, don’t simply write them & forget them.  They can help you to have insight. 

Dismissive Listening

One way people can treat others poorly is by practicing dismissive listening rather than empathic listening.  It is a very common behavior.  It is so common, in fact, that many people don’t even realize that it’s not right.  They may feel badly after someone treats them this way but not necessarily know why, because in addition to being so commonplace, it’s also very subtle.

Dismissive listening can be recognized easily if you know what to look for.  Basically it is like the name says, it is when someone dismisses what you say.  Some common dismissive phrases are:

• “Don’t be upset/sad/angry!” 
• “The same thing happened to my friend!  She was fine though.”
• “At least it’s not…<insert random bad thing here>”
• “Well it could be worse!”
• Any sort of toxic positivity phrase like, “cheer up!”, “Positive vibes only!” or “Think only happy thoughts!”

Dismissive phrases like these often try to shut down & even instill shame in the person talking to the dismissive person.  They also are a sign of someone trying to fix another person rather than listen to what they have to say.

While narcissists clearly are pros at dismissive listening, not everyone who talks this way is a narcissist.  Some people simply don’t realize how they are treating others is wrong. 

I urge you to pay attention to how people treat you when you talk.  If someone is quick to dismiss what you have to say, that is a red flag.  They may not be a totally unsafe person, but they may not be comfortable with the subject matter & as a result, want to stop you from talking about it.  Some people simply can’t handle talking about specific topics.  While that is fine, dismissing you if you bring up a specific topic isn’t fine.  The dismissive listening is a red flag that this topic isn’t a safe one to discuss with this person, so you should avoid it.  It also could potentially be a sign the person is dysfunctional or even narcissistic.  The way they behave otherwise will let you know what the case is.

I also want to urge you to pay attention to how you treat others when they are talking.  If you catch yourself being dismissive to others once in a while, it happens.  It’s normal, really.  On a regular basis though, it’s not good.  You can make changes though! 

Remember that being a good listener means you want to hear what someone has to say, & you make that obvious.  You make it clear you are willing to listen to them.  You let the other person speak without interrupting.  You don’t change the subject.  You let them speak without judgment or criticism. 

You also don’t need to offer advice unless the other person asks for it.  Unasked for advice is just rude & presumptuous! Not to mention, many people just need to vent rather than advice. 

Show empathy.  Let the other person know you care by saying things like, “That sounds really hard.”  “Can I do something to help you?”  “I’m here for you.”  & “I care.”  Those little phrases will make a huge difference to someone in need of a comforting friend.

Body language can be important too.  It sends subtle cues to the speaker that you are involved in this conversation.  Touch their hand, look them in the eye, maybe offer a hug.

Dismissive listening may not be the worst thing a person can do to another, but it still needs to be avoided in order to have healthy, happy relationships.

The Real Truth About Denial

Today’s post admittedly sounds different than my usual posts. I hope you’ll continue reading anyway, because I believe the message is important.

I woke up recently from a nightmare, as I often do.  In it, I was driving a young girl somewhere while she used my phone to call one of my relatives.  As a funny aside, I know in the dream I blocked my number from showing up on the relative’s phone when she called.. just as I would do in real life.  Anyway the phone was on speaker, so I could hear the conversation.  It sounded innocent enough.  I was fairly guarded anyway, because although I haven’t had any negative interactions with this relative, I also haven’t had any positive ones either.  I wasn’t sure if this person was safe or unsafe.  This relative asked to speak to me, & the girl looked at me before answering.  I quietly said, “maybe tomorrow” & she said that to the other person.   Suddenly this person’s demeanor went from normal to viciously trashing me.  She said I was selfish to the core, a spoiled brat & many more awful things that my family has said to & about me.  I grabbed the phone to hang up as I drove & that is the point I woke up. 

It triggered a nasty emotional flashback as I woke up.  It emotionally took me right back to the time when my father was dying, when my family attacked me constantly & daily for his final almost three weeks because I didn’t say goodbye to him.  When I was able to physically calm down a bit, I began to pray, as I often do when I have nightmares.  This turned out to be very interesting.   God not only comforted me as usual, but He also told me some things.

God reminded me of that awful time when my family was attacking me, & how He told me then that they did so partly out of denial.  They wanted to believe my father was a great guy, our family was great & I was the problem.  Me not saying goodbye threatened their denial, which is mostly why they were so cruel to me at that time.

He also told me about facing truth opposed to living in denial.  He said denial isn’t simply a poor coping skill.  It comes straight from the devil himself.  Denial is about lying to yourself rather than facing the truth.  Since the enemy hates truth, of course something coming from him would embrace lies & reject truth.  John 8:44 in the Living Bible says, “For you are the children of your father the devil and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning and a hater of truth—there is not an iota of truth in him. When he lies, it is perfectly normal; for he is the father of liars..” 

People who are deeply entrenched in denial hate anyone who is a threat to it, & will do anything to protect it.  The reason being, God said, is that they become “entwined” with the enemy.  I found that choice of words interesting, so I looked it up to be sure of exactly what it meant.  According to Cambridge dictionary’s website, the definition of entwined is “closely connected or unable to be separated.” 

A person gets into this entwined state so subtly, they fail to recognize it.  It starts out as learning something painful.  Anyone’s natural reaction to pain, physical or emotional, is to pull away from it.  The devil uses this reaction to his advantage.  He convinces people just don’t think about the pain & it won’t hurt anymore.  Simple, subtle & very effective.  This happens repeatedly with other painful things, & the more it happens, the more entwined someone becomes with the enemy.

When a person is deeply entwined with the enemy, they can’t see their bad behavior as bad.  They are so entangled with him that they will not see truth.  They almost never see how their denial hurts other people.  On the rare occasion that they do see it, they are so deceived that they see any person who tries telling the truth as a real problem.  That means they think hurting anyone who tells the truth is acceptable & sometimes even a good thing to do.  With my situation that I mentioned earlier, God showed me at that time that my family truly thought they were doing the right & even Godly thing by trying to harass, bully & shame me into saying goodbye to my father.

Being involved this way with the enemy doesn’t mean they aren’t entwined with him in other areas as well.  Since he found one access point into a person’s life, he certainly can find others just as easily.

I know that all of this may sound hard to believe.  I get that.  However, I firmly believe this to be accurate since it can be backed up by Scripture.  Consider Ephesians 6:12 also from the Living Bible.  It says, “For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against persons without bodies—the evil rulers of the unseen world, those mighty satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness who rule this world; and against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world.”  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the devil & his minions stopped attacking people.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Psalm 55:3, Psalm 38:20, Psalm 64:1, Psalm 69:4, Ephesians 6:11 & 2 Timothy 4:18 are just a few examples.

Please seriously consider what I have said here today.  Pray about it for yourself, & ask God to show you the truth if you have doubts.

Best Friends

“Best friends” is a term that is used pretty freely & often without much thought.  I don’t do that, however.  I have a best friend that is incredibly special to me.  We met just before our senior year of high school in August, 1988, & in the years since, she has taught me so much about the real meaning of best friend.  I believe that others can benefit from what I have learned, so I want to share it today.

True best friends have healthy boundaries & they respect yours.  They know what you are ok with & what you aren’t, & they respect such things.  They don’t use you or are NOT ok with anyone else using you either.  They will remind you that no one has the right to mistreat or abuse you, especially when you doubt it.

True best friends are honest.  They won’t lie to you just because it’s easier for them.  They will be honest & if that means it hurts your feelings a bit to get you to a better place, they will be honest.  They will be as gentle as they can in their honesty so as to minimize the hurt because they love you, but they still will tell you the truth.  They know honesty is best & they want what is best for you.

True best friends stand the test of time.  Close friendships are somewhat like a marriage.  You love & support each other.  You have fun with each other & also are there during the hard times.  You work through disagreements & can agree to disagree.  You don’t just run at the first sign of problems.  You do your best by your friend & they do their best by you.  A wonderful friendship like this lasts for more than a few months.  It can last a lifetime.

True best friends are there for you, period, even when it isn’t easy for them to be.  I called my best friend as soon as I had a moment after receiving my mother’s death notification, & she was there for me from that moment on.  She even attended the burial & was at my side even when one of my cousins raged at me during the burial.  She listened when I was dealing with estate matters & overwhelmed.  None of that was pleasant or easy for her, but she was there for me anyway.  That is what a best friend does.  They are there for you even when it’s incredibly difficult for them.

True best friendships aren’t one sided.  There is a mutual give & take in the relationship.  There will be trying times you are needier & your best friend is there for you, but there are also times when the reverse is true, & you are there for your needy best friend.  As a whole though, your friendship is very balanced.  You both love & support each other as needed rather than one person being the only one to offer love & support.

True best friends know you very well & accept you without judgment, yet still encourage your personal growth.  Your best friend should accept you as you are because they understand why you are as you are, but they also encourage you to improve yourself.  They share things they have learned that can help you.

True best friends are a gift straight from God, & if you have a wonderful one in your life as I do, you truly are blessed!  Never forget to tell your best friend how much you appreciate them being a part of your life & that you love them.  Never let them feel you take them for granted!

“Healthy” Narcissism

Have you heard the term “healthy narcissism”?  If not, it is a term coined to describe having a positive, healthy view of self, being assertive & also being good with self care.  It first was coined in the 1930’s & is still used today.

I truly mean no offence to the mental health professionals who created the term & those who use it, but that term doesn’t sit well with me.

Those of us who have been abused by narcissists naturally have an aversion to anything with the label “narcissism” attached to it.  We have stared evil in the face & survived what was meant to destroy us.  We learned that evil was known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  We know that the word “narcissism” has no good or healthy aspect to it.  Healthy narcissism often feels like an oxymoron to us, no matter what anyone says. 

It is also offensive to us, because the term healthy narcissism comes across as a very subtle downplaying of true narcissism.  In a way, the term puts healthy people on the same level as narcissists.  It makes narcissism sound not all that bad, like maybe narcissists are just a bit over the top with these normal, healthy behaviors that “healthy narcissists” use.

At the same time, the term can reinforce what narcissists tell their victims, that if they have any boundaries, self esteem or practice self care in any way, they’re selfish.  Having experienced the extreme selfishness of narcissists first hand, not one of their victims wants to be like them in any way.  This means victims will turn from anything that could be perceived as selfish, including healthy things like boundaries & self care.

For anyone reading this who feels this way about this term “healthy narcissism”, I hope you realize that although you may feel this way, please know that there is nothing wrong or bad about having good self esteem, boundaries & practicing self care.  Just because a narcissist told you these things were bad & prevented you from exercising such things doesn’t mean that person was right. 

Many narcissists also claim to be Christian & won’t hesitate to twist God’s word to justify their completely erroneous thinking.  These despicable people often destroy their victims’ faith or they make them believe God isn’t a loving father but instead a heartless dictator who wants victims to do nothing to take care of themselves.  For those of you who have been in this position, I want to let you know something.  1 Corinthians 6:19 in the Amplified Bible says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is within you, whom you have [received as a gift] from God, and that you are not your own [property]?”  Consider how you would treat a beautiful temple.  You certainly wouldn’t allow it treated any old way.  You would protect it & treat it well.  That is exactly how you should treat yourself.  Never forget, your body is a temple.  Treat it accordingly & not like an afterthought. 

Self care is NOT selfish or bad!  It is a good thing, & yes, even a Godly thing.  True self care isn’t narcissistic, so never let anyone convince you otherwise!