Feeling Little Or No Sympathy For Someone Who Has Abused You Or Someone You Love Is Normal

It’s normal for people to feel empathy towards someone who is suffering.  However, when someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, it’s just as normal to feel little or no sympathy towards them.  It can be very challenging to navigate these feelings, but it’s essential to understand that it’s a natural response.  Today, we will discuss this topic & provide tips for how to cope.

Feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love is a natural defense mechanism that helps protect you from further emotional harm.  When you experience abuse, your brain recognizes the perpetrator as a threat, & it triggers the natural response to protect yourself.  This response can cause you to distance yourself from the abuser physically &/or emotionally, & feel little or no empathy towards them when they are struggling or suffering.

Coping with the emotions of feeling little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you can be challenging.  It feels so foreign for the average person, because people naturally have some degree of empathy for their fellow human beings.  It’s so important & helpful to acknowledge your feelings or lack thereof & not judge yourself for having them.  Instead, remind yourself that you are ok!  Yes, your response is abnormal in most situations, but in your abnormal circumstances, it is very normal.

As a Christian, praying for your abuser can be a powerful tool for healing, but it must be approached in a healthy way.  Praying for the abuser also does not condone their behavior or mean that you have to have the goal of reconciling with them.  Instead, it helps you to release any anger or bitterness you may be holding towards them while obeying God’s command to pray for our enemies.  It’s hard to do this sometimes, I know, but it does get easier the more often you do it.  God knows this & understands.  I learned in these situations that I might as well be totally honest about it.  I have prayed for people & told God, “I don’t want to do this.  I don’t care right now about what happens to them.  But, I know You want me to pray for them, so I’m doing it.”  I figured that God knew what I was feeling, so why not just be honest about it?  Pretending I didn’t feel that way wouldn’t fool Him.  And you know what?  Not once did He judge or even criticize me.  He appreciates the effort we make to please Him, & I think even more when we do things that are very hard for us.  Also, after praying this way a few times, it got easier & my prayers finally became more sincere. 

There also have been times I simply couldn’t pray for these people, no matter how much I wanted to.  I learned in those times to ask those close to me to pray for them & for me to be able to pray for them.  In time, I was able to pray for them as well.

When someone is suffering, even when you feel nothing for them at first, sometimes it can be tempting to try to reconcile the relationship.  It’s so to remember that narcissists don’t change just because they’re suffering.  They may behave better temporarily, even after the suffering is over, but that change is almost never permanent.  Exercise wisdom & ask God for wisdom & discernment in your situation.  Only reconcile the relationship if you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it is God’s will.  Never feel badly about distancing yourself from your abuser & protecting yourself from further harm, no matter what is happening with your abuser.

You will be wise to focus on your own healing & well-being & not let your or your loved one’s abuser’s struggles or suffering distract you from such things.  Remember that it’s normal to feel little or no sympathy towards someone who has hurt or abused you or someone you love, & there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Feeling little or no sympathy for such a person is a normal response to an abnormal situation.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you’re a bad person.  You are simply a normal human being.

Narcissists Can Fake Empathy

Narcissists are without a doubt the best actors & actresses.  They deserve awards for their incredible ability to convince people of whatever they want to convince people of at any given time.  That is why they are able to convince so many people that they are wonderful, talented, loving & kind. 

One of the ways that showcase their acting skills the best is their ability to fake empathy.

Before I go any further, you need to understand what empathy really is.  True empathy is the ability not only to understand what other people feel but why they feel as they do.  Even if you haven’t been in their specific situation, you are able to understand how they feel.  You care about other people & feel consideration for them.  Your behavior reflects this.

Clearly, this isn’t something narcissists are capable of doing.  They can’t relate to other people like this, nor do they want to care how they feel or why they feel as they do.  They may recognize a person feels happy, sad or angry, but they have no idea exactly why they feel that way.  The closest they come to real empathy is being able to understand that certain things upset people, but rather than using this knowledge to be kind, they use it to control, manipulate or hurt people.

Narcissists never start off any relationship by showing their true colors.  If they did, no one would involve themselves with any narcissist.  Instead, they use deceptive tactics to lure victims in, such as mirroring their likes, dislikes, morals, & beliefs.  When they meet someone who is kind, they fake empathy.  They show their new love interest how understanding they are.  The victim feels so validated & understood.  Once their victim feels secure & has fallen in love with this narcissist, the mask comes off & that empathy that drew them in vanishes, leaving the victim wondering how to get it to come back.

Narcissists also will display empathy in the midst of a relationship once in a while as a means to keep their victim feeling mentally off balance, make them willing to do anything to please the narcissist to bring it back, & basically just to torture them.  It gives a victim such hope that there is some decency in the narcissist when they see them display some empathy, which is why they are willing to do anything to help the narcissist see it needs to stay permanently.  When the narcissist returns to their cruelty, it is devastating.  At one point before I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I thought my mother was finally seeing the truth about how badly her behavior hurt me.  One day, she said she realized she made mistakes raising me.  She seemed sincere & genuinely sad about it.  I can’t describe the hope I felt when I thought she finally recognized how much pain & suffering she caused me!  I said, “Really?”  She replied by saying, “Of course I did.  Just look how you turned out.”  It felt like she drove a knife straight into my heart.

If someone you know treats you with a constant lack of genuine empathy, chances are very good that you are dealing with a narcissist.  If you can, ending the relationship is certainly in your best interest.  If you are unable or unwilling to do so at this time, then you need to pray a lot!  Ask God to help you to find ways to deal with this person.  Also remember that no matter what this person may say or do, they truly have no genuine empathy for you or anyone else.  Remembering that will help you not to be disappointed or devastated by their constant lack of empathy, because you know this is simply how this person is.  

Empathy vs Codependency

A couple of very misunderstood concepts today are empathy & codependency. 

Some things I’ve read about empathy haven’t been overly accurate.  In fact, some make it sound like being empathic is some sort of weird psychic power when it is nothing of the sort.  Some people also seem to think having empathy means that you have no boundaries, & are completely self sacrificing 1000% of the time.  According to Merriam Webster’s online dictionary however, empathy means: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.”  Empathy is a good thing to have, since it enables you to be kind to others.

Codependency isn’t like empathy.  It isn’t concerned about what is best for others or how you can help people.  It’s about enabling bad behavior.  Also according to Merriam Webster’s online dictionary, codependency means: “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)”.  Codependency says, “Let me make this situation pleasing to you” whereas empathy says, “How can I help you to help yourself to do what is best for you?”

Although both of these words clearly have very different meanings, some people confuse them, using them interchangeably either from a point of being naïve or being manipulative.  With narcissists, it’s almost always manipulative.  Narcissists don’t care if someone empathizes with their pain, but they do care about having a victim who is willing to overlook their abusive ways & enable their toxic behavior.  Narcissists may claim their victim is lacking in empathy when what the narcissist really wants from the victim is codependency.  Many victims of narcissistic abuse are empathic people, & unless they know better, they will be hurt by the narcissist’s accusation.  Rather than have the narcissist think they are heartless, sometimes empathic people enable the narcissist’s toxicity in an attempt to get the narcissist to think they are good people & earn the narcissist’s favor.

If you realize that you have codependent tendencies or are in a codependent relationship, you’re not alone.  It happens to many victims of narcissistic abuse.  The good news is you don’t have to stay that way.  You can unlearn these unhealthy behaviors!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to show you what you need to change & how to make appropriate changes.

Also learn what you can about empathy & codependency.  Learning what you can will help you to see when you’re being empathic & when you’re being codependent.

Don’t forget to learn about boundaries, too.  You’ll need to gain a good sense of boundaries & know effective ways to enforce them.  To help you get started, I created a free online book study course about boundaries.  It’s available on my website at: www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

I know this probably sounds pretty overwhelming & hard to make the healthy changes you need to make, but really, it’s easier than you might think.  Once you recognize progress in yourself, it encourages you to keep on doing what you’re doing.  Also know that you’ll feel a lot of guilt when you begin to change your codependent ways.  That is totally normal.  When it happens, rather than give into ask yourself if you truly have a reason to feel this guilt or not.  Chances are excellent that you’ll recognize that you have no valid reason for the guilt.

I wish you the best with making these healthy changes!

Helpful Routines For Highly Sensitive People

In case you haven’t heard the term, highly sensitive people, or HSPs, are people who are especially sensitive, just as the name implies.  They also are known to have a high sensory processing sensitivity.  This means HSPs can be very sensitive to all sorts of things such as textures, loud noises, & bright lights.  They also are very in tune with other people, & are often easily stressed by tense situations & violence.  Due to their sensitivity, highly sensitive people can become overwhelmed very easily.  There are very good parts of being a highly sensitive person though.  They tend to be very creative & empathic people with good quality relationships & a deep appreciation for beauty in all its forms. 

In my experience of talking with many people who have been abused by narcissists, many victims of narcissistic abuse are highly sensitive people, which is why I have chosen to discuss this topic.

Due to the nature of being highly sensitive, life easily can become overwhelming sometimes.  Highly sensitive people need to develop healthy routines to maintain good mental health & prevent burn out.

I firmly believe a close relationship with God to be vital.  The closer you are to Him, the more peaceful you naturally feel because you know He is in charge.  He also will help you figure out ways you can avoid burn out.

Getting rest is essential.  HSPs need more rest than most people, due to their senses working so hard.  While it may not sound it, that really can be exhausting.  It’s important to get good sleep, so investing in a comfortable bed with good quality linens is money well spent.  You also may want to listen to soft music or nature sounds to help you fall asleep.  Pillow speakers can be a great investment for those who sleep with a partner.

Part of getting rest is prioritizing down time.  After a long day, it’s very important to take time to relax & decompress.  What can you do to enjoy your down time?  Pray?  Read?  Listen to music?  Knit?  Think about what helps you feel calm & participate in that often, preferably daily.

Reevaluate your schedule.  While being busy is valued in today’s culture, that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.  Being too busy reduces the ability to enjoy down time, can interfere with sleep & cause a plethora of mental & physical health problems.  What can you eliminate from your schedule?  Are there ways you can at least cut back on certain activities?  Is there anything you do that you can get help with doing from your spouse, kids or coworkers?

Reevaluate your boundaries.  Many highly sensitive people are so in tune with the needs of those around them, they ignore their own needs.  This clearly is an unhealthy habit!  While it’s great to be there for those you love, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  There is nothing wrong with limiting what you do for other people.  In fact, doing so is a very loving thing to do for you as well as them.

Consider your home.  Home should be your sanctuary, away from all cares of the world, where you can relax & be at peace.  Does that describe your home?  Clutter can create anxiety so if you have clutter, clear it out & your anxiety should diminish greatly.  If you aren’t happy with how it looks, make changes to turn your home into your personal sanctuary.  Those changes may be as simple as decluttering or as drastic as repainting every room.

Start journaling.  Journaling is a wonderful thing.  There are no hard & fast rules to it.  Your journal can be as fancy or as plain as you like.  It can be online only or a physical book.  You can write as much or as little as you like, as often as you like & in whatever style you like.  Some people write as if they are writing a letter to a friend when they journal or they write out their prayers.  Others draw pictures or cut out pictures from magazines & such then paste in the pages of their journals.  There are also countless journaling prompts available online to help if you get stuck. 

If these suggestions seem too much, then don’t try to do them all at once.  Start by doing one.  Add another when you feel ready.  The changes you make will help you physically & mentally.

Stop Asking Victims To Feel Compassion For Abusers!

There are so many victims who have been told, scolded really, that they need to have compassion on & even feel pity for their abusers.  People say stupid things like, “You can’t get mad at him!  He just doesn’t know better because his father did the same thing to him!”  “That is your mother & if you really were a Christian like you say you are, you wouldn’t get mad at her!  You would honor her!”

Some people who say such stupid comments are well meaning, yet ill informed.  Mostly though, such people are quite aware of their comments & the effects they have.  Their goal is to shut their victim down by invalidating or shaming them.  Maybe they have their own abusive past, & your situation reminds them of theirs.  Being too cowardly to face their own demons, they attempt to shut you down instead.  Or, maybe they have bought the narcissist’s “good guy/gal” act, & you speaking the truth threatens that.  Rather than face the ugly truth, they try to shut you down so their delusion can stay in tact.  I’m sure there are countless reasons that people say such cruel remarks.  These are only a couple of possibilities.

I don’t think that people who say such ludicrous statements stop for one second to consider the ridiculousness of their words, only the effect they wish to have.  I mean, what sense does it make to feel pity for someone who deliberately causes you pain?  This actually reminds me of something my father told me.  When he was 15, he was driving home one night when the local drunk hit his car head on, flipping his car over into a ditch.  My father nearly died from the traumatic brain injury, yet people told him he should feel sorry for the man who hit him.  Think about that for a second.. people said he should feel sorry for the man who decided not only to get drunk, but to get behind the wheel of his car in that condition, endangering everyone else on the road & nearly killing my father.  Why feel sorry for him rather than my father who lived with lifelong health problems stemming from this man’s poor choices?!  As far as I know, the situation with my father didn’t even stop this man from driving drunk.  Maybe if someone had confronted him, & made him realize the depths of the problems his actions caused, he might have stopped driving drunk.

They are also supporting someone’s choice to hurt other people.  How does this make any sense at all?!  No normal, functional person would support someone who deliberately chooses to hurt another person.  They know what it’s like to hurt, & don’t want others to feel that way.

Instead of encouraging victims to feel compassion for their abusers, why not support a victim who has had the courage to escape the abuse & tell their story?  Tell them they are brave & strong.  Tell them you admire them for having the strength & fortitude to survive what they have experienced.  Encourage them to share their story in whatever way will help them & hopefully also will help raise awareness.  Listen to them.  Validate them.

And if you somehow end up talking to an abuser, don’t excuse what they did.  Abusers need to know what they did was bad & why.  They also need to know that they hurt their victim & there was no good reason to do it.  They need to be aware of the fact that to abuse another person is a choice, just like being good to another person is a choice, & they chose the wrong thing to do.  Hold this person accountable!  Maybe doing so will open their eyes somehow & make them see that they need to make some changes in their behavior.  It’s certainly worth a try though, isn’t it?

Why Narcissists Abuse Empathic People

Some Reasons Narcissists Target Empathic People

There is a lot of talk about empaths these days.  Although some of the information claims being an empath is the same as being a psychic, that isn’t the case.  I think being an empath basically means being a person with good instincts, empathy, someone who can see things from the perspective of others & also cares deeply about how other people feel.  People with the INFJ personality type are known to be very empathic, & also the most frequently abused personality type.

It seems strange that someone who is good at spotting fake people like INFJs & empaths are would get involved with a narcissist, but it happens every day.  Unfortunately it makes a lot of sense when you look at it.

People with a high degree of empathy want to help others & even fix them.  Narcissists want people like this so they can take advantage of them.  It’s very easy for a narcissist to abuse someone like this because the person simply wants to help them & see them happy.  Narcissists can play the victim or shame their victim into believing they have done something wrong or abusive.  Either way, if an empathic person believes the narcissist’s lies, they will do their best to make it up to the narcissist & do pretty much anything in order to please them.

Empathic people want a loving, deep relationship full of mutual respect, whether that relationship is a friendship, familial or romantic.  Narcissists use love bombing as a way to lure a victim into the relationship, & this can mimic what an empath wants in a relationship.  Narcissists read people very well.  They pick up on subtle clues on what others want in a relationship, & present themselves accordingly.  They also mirror the other person, which is mimicking that person’s morals, likes, dislikes, & even body language, to make the person feel close to them.  Unless you’re very well versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be extremely easy to feel close to someone doing this love bombing thing.  I have fallen for it many times in my life in all types of relationships.

People with a lot of empathy don’t like conflict.  Those raised by narcissistic parents feel this even more.  In fact, we will usually find all kinds of ways to rationalize the behavior, in other words make excuses for it, to keep the peace.  Narcissists use this in their favor to convince their victims that they were just being oversensitive, that never happened, it didn’t happen as they think it did, or that the narcissist had an excellent reason for doing what they did & the victim made them do what they did.

If you are an empathic person, it’s really a good quality even though it may not feel like it sometimes!  Use your sensitive nature in your favor.  Being empathic means you naturally have good instincts- pay attention to them.  I firmly believe our instincts are the Holy Spirit gently trying to guide us in the right direction, which is why they’re always right.  If you meet someone & something about that person doesn’t feel right, pay attention to that feeling.  The truth will come out sooner or later- it always does- & you’ll see why you had that feeling.

Reign in your desire to help everyone.  I know it can be hard, but remember- you aren’t God.  It’s not your job to help everyone, only the people God leads you to help.  Ask Him to help you discern who you should & shouldn’t help.

Also remember, although conflict is uncomfortable, sometimes it’s also necessary.  Examine the situation closely.  Has the other person accepted responsibility for their part as you have?  Are you both willing to work together towards a mutually beneficial solution?  If you can answer yes, this is good!  That is how conflict should go!  If however, you are the only one expected to make changes or the other person makes excuses or even blames you for their actions, this is a bad sign.  Those are red flags that you may be dealing with a narcissist.

As someone with a great deal of empathy, you don’t have to be a victim.  Keep learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & listening to your instincts.  Ask God to help you identify safe & dangerous people, & to remove dangerous ones from your life.  He absolutely will do this for you!

Compassion Fatigue- A Common Problem

Many adult children of narcissistic parents grow into very compassionate, empathetic adults.  We listen to others & offer support, even when strangers approach us in a grocery store & want to tell us their problems.  We help generously.  We’re often caregivers in many ways- taking care of the sick as well as providing emotional or even financial support to those in need.  And, truthfully, we often enjoy it.

Whether you enjoy caregiving or not, though, sometimes it burns you out.

It’s like a bank account- you can’t withdraw money without ever putting in a deposit or you will overdraft your account. The exact same thing happens with your mental health- if you do nothing but give, there is nothing left over for you.  You become tired, mentally & physically.  You also become very irritable & bottle up your emotions.  You may abuse substances or overeat.  You isolate yourself because you feel you don’t have the energy or patience to deal with people.  You become indifferent to their suffering.  You have plenty of aches & pains without a physical cause & you have difficulty concentrating on things.  Some people stop their good self-care habits, even hygienic habits.

This is a frustrating place to be!  I’ve felt some degree of compassion fatigue for years, but it has reached a peak during my recent recovery.  When all you can do is lay around & do very minimal tasks, it gives you plenty of time to think.  I realized how very few people close to me genuinely cared about the fact I came very close to death recently.  Very few have even asked how I’m doing more than once.  Aside from the obvious anger about this, it hurt me badly.  I have done my best to be there for those in my life as much as possible, & this is how I’m treated after trauma?  This seemed to rocket the compassion fatigue into overdrive.  As I write this, there aren’t many people I’m close to that I can muster up some empathy for at this time.

So.. how does one combat compassion fatigue?  Honestly I had to research it because I’ve never found a way to do it on my own.  The suggestions I’ve found are below along with some things I’ve been trying to do myself.

• Sometimes people won’t be there for you, but God will be.  Give Him first priority in your life, & go to Him when you need comfort before you go to people.
• Don’t judge yourself for how you feel.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Practice good self-care rituals.
• Set & enforce good boundaries to give yourself a break as you need.
• Remember, when people come to you for help, you should do your best to point them back to God as much as possible, & not become a god to them by fixing their problems.
• Talk with others who understand how you feel.
• Participate in your hobbies often, or start new ones.

I hope this helps you to combat compassion fatigue & to achieve a healthier balance with helping other people.  May God bless you!