How To Identify Fake Apologies And Genuine Apologies

Have you ever been on the receiving end of an apology that felt insincere & fell flat?  It might have been someone repeating the words “I’m sorry,” but with an entirely different intention.  Fake apologies are unfortunately all too common, especially with narcissists & they can leave the recipient feeling more hurt & confused than before. It’s important to be able to recognize the difference between genuine & fake apologies in order to protect yourself from this manipulative behavior.

A genuine apology is one that conveys a sense of remorse, understanding, & an intention to make things better in the future.  It is a sincere attempt to make amends for the hurt that has been caused.  The words may be something like, “I’m sorry for what I said & I know it was wrong.  I’ll try to do better in the future.”  The person apologizing is clearly taking responsibility for their actions, & is expressing a willingness to change their behavior.

A fake apology, on the other hand, is one that is not genuine.  It is an attempt to make the other person feel better without the person apologizing actually taking responsibility for the hurt that they caused.  Fake apologies often include excuses or phrases such as, “if I hurt you” or “If I said or did something that hurt you,” instead of, “I hurt you” or “I know what I said or did hurt you.”  They may also include phrases such as “I’m sorry you feel that way” instead of “I’m sorry I said that.”  Fake apologies are simply an attempt to avoid taking responsibility or making changes in their behavior.  They can leave the victim feeling even more hurt by the apology than by the behavior the person did in the first place that warranted the apology.

People who give fake apologies are often trying to manipulate the situation in order to get what they want or to avoid any consequences for their actions.  Fake apologies are a way for people to re-wind the situation & shift the focus away from their own behavior.

Fake apologies can also be a way for people to alleviate their own guilt.  By giving a fake apology, they can appear to be taking responsibility for their actions without actually having to do anything to make things better or change their behavior.  It can be a way to appease their conscience without actually having to do any work.

There are some signs to be aware of regarding fake apologies.  Fake apologies don’t include a genuine expression of remorse.  The person apologizing doesn’t appear to feel any guilt or shame.  Also, as mentioned earlier, they often include phrases such as, “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”  They may also include excuses or attempts to shift the blame onto the person who expects the apology as a way to deflect the conversation off the original topic.

Fake apologies also don’t show a genuine desire to do better in the future.  The person’s behavior doesn’t change.  They may do the same thing again even after their so called apology.  Or, if the behavior is mentioned again, they say things like, “I said I was sorry!  What else do you want?”, “I won’t keep apologizing for this!” or, “I can’t help it!  This is just how I am!”

It can be difficult at first to tell the difference between genuine & fake apologies, but it’s important to be able to recognize the signs so that you can protect yourself from manipulation.  Pay attention to the person’s words & behavior after the apology to determine whether or not it’s genuine. 

The Non Apology

Narcissists are masters of what I call the non apology.

A non apology is when someone says the words “I’m sorry”, yet their actions don’t back up the words.  They accept no responsibility for what they did, make no changes in their behavior, they offer lame excuses or they blame you for making them do whatever it was they did.  Some examples are:

• I’m sorry you feel that way.
• I wouldn’t have done what I did if you wouldn’t have done what you did.
• I’m sorry I said/did that.. I was just upset.
• I’m sorry if what I said/did upset you.
• My sponsor/therapist says I have to make amends with you, so I’m sorry.

Some non apologies don’t even involve saying “I’m sorry” at all.  Sometimes narcissists will simply give you space for a little while, then resume contact with you, pretending nothing happened.  My mother did this sometimes.  She would give me the silent treatment, then call me later, acting as if nothing happened.  Her record was an 18 month long silent treatment.  I was stunned when she called after so long, but she acted like we’d just spoken the day before & all was fine between us.

Non apologies are a very common tool used with narcissists.  They let the narcissist apologize to pacify you without making any changes in her behavior.  If you confront a narcissist on something awful they have done & they provide you with a non apology, then later repeat the behavior, they can make you look like the bad guy.  All they have to do is say something like, “I said I was sorry!”  “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!”   “I apologized & that isn’t even good enough for you!”  Unless you’re aware of the non apology phenomenon, chances are good you’ll shut down & possibly even apologize to the narcissist.  You also won’t say anything the next time the behavior is done.  This is a huge dose of narcissistic supply.  The narcissist gets a free pass to do this behavior again, made you feel bad & even apologize all on top of doing whatever it was that hurt you in the first place.  It’s like a narcissistic supply jackpot!

Due to the supply jackpot factor, chances are excellent you’ll have to deal with a non apology at some point.  There are ways to handle this awkward situation.

First, I really recommend praying when you’re forced to deal with non apologies.  Not only asking God to help you to recognize them when they happen but also to give you wisdom on the best way to deal with them.

You also need to recognize what is happening.  Know the signs of a real apology & a fake one.  You don’t want to mistake a real one for fake or vice versa!  Either way can’t end well.  Real apologies involve remorse, & someone taking responsibility for & changing their behavior.  Even if that is all you remember, it’ll help you to spot non apologies easily.

Also be creative in your response.  Neutral is often the best way to go, especially in situations like a work environment or if you don’t want to deal with any narcissistic conflict or drama.  Something like, “Thanks.”  “Thanks for saying that.”  or “Thanks for taking the time to tell me that.” “I appreciate what you said.” can be useful.  This shows the narcissist their so called apology was accepted & the matter will be dropped.

If you want to let the narcissist know you’re aware this is a non apology, try something like, “Thanks.” “That’s a start.”  “Thanks for trying.”  “Uh huh.”  “Ok.”  “If you say so.”  You also can ask them what exactly they mean by their non apology… “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean exactly.” is a good way to say it.  Asking narcissists to explain their actions in a calm, logical manner throws them for a loop.  They realize they can’t rage at you without looking foolish, so they usually try to drop the topic immediately.  If they try to change the subject, keep going back to it in that calm, logical manner.  They will feel so uncomfortable, they may just decide what they did wasn’t worth feeling this way so they won’t repeat it again.

Non apologies are an annoying part of life, but you can cope with them successfully.