Some Attention Seeking Behaviors Of Narcissists

When I was growing up, my mother was constantly singing.  At the time, it irritated me badly but I couldn’t put my finger on why it bothered me so much.  It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon the realization that her incessant singing was a means of keeping attention firmly fixed on her.  Today, we will discuss narcissistic attention seeking behaviors, tactics narcissists employ to ensure they remain at the center of everyone’s focus.

Imagine sitting around the dinner table, engaged in conversation, sharing laughs, & exchanging ideas.  Suddenly, someone starts singing.  In an instant, the focus shifts from our conversation to the unasked for performance.  It is impossible to continue any meaningful discussion amidst the distraction of someone singing.  Narcissists understand this type of situation all too well.  By drowning out voices with their singing, they effectively halt any conversations that may divert attention away from them & put that focus back on them.  Singing becomes a powerful way for them to remain the center of attention.

Singing also is a sensory experience that captivates not only the ears but also the eyes.  When someone starts to sing, natural instinct is to look at them.  It is an almost involuntary response.  Narcissists, with their insatiable need for attention, exploit this human tendency to their advantage.  Singing incessantly guarantees that all eyes are on them.

However, not all narcissists resort to singing as a means of attention seeking.  The allure of the spotlight can manifest in various other behaviors, each with its unique impact on those around them.

In their relentless pursuit of attention, they employ a wide array of behaviors designed to maintain their position at the center stage of any interaction.  Interrupting conversations is a classic move, as it effectively redirects the attention back to them.  Whether it’s an interjection with a loud voice, a joke, or a story, they make sure their presence is known at all times.

Physical manifestations of attention seeking behaviors can be equally impactful.  Tapping feet or fingers loudly serves as a rhythmic reminder of their presence, demanding attention even when they are not actively participating in the conversation.  Body functions, such as yawning, burping, or sneezing loudly, even become attention magnets, as they are hard to ignore & create a momentary disruption that refocuses everyone’s gaze on the narcissist.

Some other common attention seeking behaviors can be whistling or humming constantly, always having the last word in conversations, making it extremely obvious a symptom is flaring up when they have an illness or injury or displaying very theatrical or exaggerated responses when someone else is talking.

By ignoring these attention seeking behaviors, their frequency & intensity tend to diminish over time.  Narcissists’ thirst for attention is fueled by the reactions they provoke.  By denying them their desired response, we effectively show them that act won’t work, leaving them to either redirect their attention seeking efforts or retreat into the background.

Living with a narcissist like this has a profound impact on the emotional well being of those around them.  Constantly vying for the spotlight leaves little room for others to express themselves, leading to feelings of insignificance, frustration, & resentment.  These attention seeking tactics can be surprisingly damaging.  Over time, these incessant attention grabbing behaviors erode self esteem, as the victim’s needs & desires are constantly overshadowed by the narcissist.  After a while, victims may doubt their own worth & find it challenging to assert themselves in any social setting.

It is essential for victims to recognize that their voice matters & their needs are valid.  Setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted people & of course maintaining a close relationship with God help victims regain their self worth & reclaim their right to be heard, even in the midst of a narcissist’s attention seeking storm.

Narcissists will go to great lengths to ensure all eyes & ears are fixated on them.  By recognizing & understanding these behaviors, we can learn to navigate the challenging dynamics they create & find ways to assert our own needs & individuality in the face of their constant demand for attention.

Baiting Tactics And Ways To Cope

Some people thrive on getting attention, whether it is positive or negative.  Love them or hate them, either is great as far as they are concerned, just don’t ignore them!  In fact, that need for attention is one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One way they get this attention is by something called baiting.  Baiting is anything said or done to provoke a strong emotional reaction.  Behaving this way gives a baiting person a feeling of strength, because they possess such control over another person as to provoke them into very strong reactions.

Baiting is most commonly used by either covert narcissists or elderly narcissists.  It is effective, easy for them to do, subtle & offers plausible deniability to the baiting person.  They often claim they had no idea what they said would upset their victim or the victim took it wrong.  It also can be a useful way for the baiting person to make their victim look bad to other people.  These people quietly will say something cruel to upset their victim when others are around, so when the victim gets noticeably upset, others see the victim as irrational or yelling at the baiting person while that baiting person remains quiet & calm.  To those who don’t know what was said, the victim looks like the problem, ill tempered or even crazy while the baiting person appears to be the rational one.

There are many ways baiting is accomplished, & some of those tactics are as follows:

The baiting person may accuse their victim of something that is completely out of character & offensive to them, such as illegal behavior, cheating on their spouse or abusing their pets or children.  The shock value combined with the offensive nature of the insults easily can trigger someone into reacting badly & the baiting person may at this point accuse their victim of being mentally unbalanced. 

The baiting person also may “accidentally” damage something important to their victim.  Maybe they drop a treasured & fragile family heirloom or park beside their victim’s classic car & when they open the door, hit the victim’s car with their door.  Anyone in this situation naturally would be absolutely furious, yet the baiting person appears innocent because what they did didn’t look intentional.

A baiting person also will love insulting something their victim loves.  I have the most experience with this one.  Both my mother & mother in-law loved to insult my cats & my cars, both of which always have been very important to me.  My mother usually said her cruel comments very quietly & calmly so when I got upset, I looked irrational to anyone around us.  My mother in-law preferred no witnesses, so if I told anyone what she said, no one believed me because they never saw her treat me that way.

Another tactic of a baiting person is to hint that they have something to tell you that will hurt your feelings, & say they don’t want to upset you by telling you that thing.  Basically they make their victim feel obligated to say, “It’s ok.  You can tell me.”  They then dump that pain on their victim, & then enjoy that person’s pain, comfortable that the victim brought it on themselves.  After all, they think, the baiting person warned the victim, so they aren’t to blame for his or her pain.

Baiting triggers a person’s adrenaline & fight or flight responses to kick in, which is why it can be so challenging.  You can handle it though!  Immediately, inhale deeply, then exhale to give your mind & body a moment to calm down.  In that moment, ask God for help, too.  My simple prayers of “HELP!” proved surprisingly helpful plenty of times.

Remember what is happening.  Someone is trying to upset you as a way to make them feel better about themselves.  Don’t give that person the satisfaction.  Do NOT react.  Stay calm.  The less you react, the less likely it is this person will use this tactic again with you.  Once away from this person though, vent however helps you to feel better.  Holding in such negative emotions for a long period of time is unhealthy.

If at all possible, leave this person or hang up the phone immediately.  Say you just remembered something you have to do & go.  This isn’t a lie – you just remembered that you have to protect yourself from such volatility!

Common Ways Narcissists Get Attention

Ways Narcissists Gain Attention

Narcissists love attention, & many must be the focal point of everyone’s attention at all times.  Overt narcissists are naturally more brazen in how they command attention than their covert counterparts, but covert narcissists love attention too.  There are countless things they can do to draw all attention to themselves, but this post addresses some of the more commonly used tactics.

Narcissists have no manners whatsoever.  Add that in with their insatiable desire to have everyone’s attention, & you have a person who WILL interrupt whoever is talking.  When a person interrupts, they naturally become the center of attention, so it’s a useful & very commonly used tactic for narcissists.

Overt narcissists can be loud in how they interrupt people.  They usually will talk over people.  Covert narcissists, as usual, are more subtle.  They will try to have the final word in any conversation.  There is also a trick my covertly narcissistic father used.  As I would start to speak, he’d act like he was going to speak.  Naturally, I’d apologize & let him talk.  Eventually I realized that was his goal.  He didn’t want to hear what I had to say.  He wanted to shut me up so he could talk, & knowing I hate bad manners, I’d be polite & let him talk.

And, if a narcissist is hard of hearing, interrupting becomes easier yet.  Many have what I call selective hearing.  While they may indeed have diminished hearing, they also use the excuse of not hearing a person when it fits them.  If they want someone else to stop talking so they can talk, they can just start talking & claim they didn’t hear the other person talking.

Another way narcissists gain attention is by turning a conversation back to themselves.  After all, if people are talking about something that isn’t the narcissist, that means the narcissist isn’t the center of attention.  They will spin the conversation around to themselves in such a way that no one will have a clue how that happened.

Narcissists also gain attention by telling stories about you to other people, preferably in a group of which you also are a part.  Not good stories like how you got that big promotion at work or were your high school valedictorian, only stories that embarrass you.  This tactic is especially popular with narcissistic parents, but spouses also may use it, especially if the narcissist is older than the victim.  Telling embarrassing stories makes a person feel shamed & foolish, which makes a person easier to control, so that is an added bonus to the attention the stories gain.  And, the narcissist may spin the story so it looks like he or she rescued you somehow.

If the narcissist has some sort of pain like back pain, arthritis, or even a short term problem such as a broken leg, the problem will be used to his or her advantage.  You can expect this person to claim unbearable pain when not receiving all attention.  A similar scenario can happen if the narcissist has an illness or disease.  If this narcissist isn’t the center of attention, suddenly he or she will claim symptoms are flaring up, or maybe that he or she must lay down or go home immediately.  In either scenario, most people will focus on the narcissist & try to help, returning him or her to the center of attention.

Shock value is another favorite way narcissists gain attention.  My mother literally crashed my late father in-law’s funeral in 2018 to get her precious attention.  She drove to the graveside as the funeral was just starting & wouldn’t get out of her car.  People were shocked, & staring.  It worked as she wanted.  Other shock value tactics may include things like burping or passing gas loudly, or saying something totally outrageous such as gory details of how someone was murdered.  Shock value naturally stuns people, & they focus all attention on the narcissist, as was the goal.

When the narcissist in your life behaves this way, deprive them of that attention.  If they interrupt you, talk over them or talk to someone else.  If they change the topic back to themselves, change it back to the original topic.  If they use embarrassing stories, pain or shock value, ignore them.  Depriving a narcissist of attention means that action won’t be used again because it doesn’t work.

Pity, Sympathy & The Covert Narcissist

When narcissism is discussed, often it is the behavior of the overt narcissist.  Very little is discussed about covert narcissists.

 

Covert narcissists are much more devious & sly in their actions, yet they are just as abusive if not moreso than overt narcissists.  Because their actions are so covert, their victims are often very hesitant to admit what was done to them was abusive.  They often doubt what was done to them was done out of maliciousness, taking the blame on themselves for being over sensitive or reading too much into things.  One way this is accomplished is by the covert narcissist using pity & sympathy.

 

Pity & sympathy are tools covert narcissists often use.  If they can make you feel sorry for them, chances of you calling them out on their actions or setting boundaries are very slim.  If you do either, you are going to feel very guilty for being so mean & unreasonable.

 

One way covert narcissists acquire that pity is by acting as if they aren’t very smart.  Whether or not they are educated is beside the point.  Covert narcissists like to give the impression that they’re very naive & innocent.  Do NOT be fooled by this act however!  There is absolutely no way a person can be stupid & extremely devious at the same time.  Someone who is genuinely not very smart won’t know how to abuse people while appearing innocent.  They also wouldn’t know what they are doing is wrong & it needs to be hidden.

 

Another way they acquire sympathy is by being married to an overt narcissist.  Very often, overt & covert narcissists marry.  It’s the perfect dysfunctional match.  The overt narcissist can do anything, gaining all the attention, without anyone standing up to him or her.  Meanwhile, the covert narcissist is able to abuse quietly, behind the scenes.  No one really notices because the overt narcissist is gaining all the attention.  The covert narcissist enjoys this because compared to the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist doesn’t look so bad.  In fact, they tend to play the role of the good spouse very well.  They look long suffering, patient, even martyr-like in the fact they can tolerate so much from their spouse.

 

Because of this appearance, many people, particularly empathetic ones, are extremely hesitant to set boundaries with or confront covert narcissists.  I was the same way with my late mother in-law who was clearly a covert narcissist.  I noticed she was especially mean to me after a disagreement with my father in-law.  I felt bad for her- sometimes he said some really hurtful things to her.  I thought, naively, maybe she was just getting out her frustrations.  And, I didn’t have the heart to say anything to her because she had enough to deal with.  As time went on though, I realized she got meaner & meaner, whether or not they had a disagreement.  Not saying something wasn’t helping her or me.

 

Most people like getting a little sympathy or pity periodically.  If you have a bad cold, doesn’t if feel good if someone says they’re sorry you’re sick & brings you some soup?  Covert narcissists take that normal thing to an extreme, though, using it to get away with any abuse they can.

 

Overt narcissists may use sympathy & pity too, but not nearly as much as covert narcissists do.  Plus, their methods are much easier to spot.  They often can turn on & off their tears as easily as most people flip a switch, for example.  I’ve seen that with my overtly narcissistic mother.  She has back problems, & uses that for sympathy.  If she isn’t getting enough attention, she has burst into tears, claiming to be in pain.  Yet interestingly, when I didn’t rush to her side, after a moment she stopped crying & went on with her activities.

 

If you notice someone in your life constantly wants pity or sympathy, be forewarned, chances are, you’re dealing with a narcissist.