Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Accusing Someone Of Bad Behavior Versus Stating Facts

Many people believe that when a victim accuses someone of hurting or abusing them, they are unfairly attacking the other person.  However, there are clear distinctions between accusing someone of bad behavior & simply stating facts.  Stating facts involves sharing events that have occurred without adding any false details.  On the other hand, accusations often involve fabrications & lies without any basis in reality.  Today we’ll discuss the differences between the two & why it’s essential to understand them.

Accusations are typically rooted in falsehoods & are completely fabricated.  In the Amplified Bible, Revelation 12:10 refers to Satan as “the accuser of our [believing] brothers & sisters.”  In the story of Job, Satan accused Job of wrongdoing that he had never committed.  This behavior continues today, with the addition of Satan influencing people, using them as tools to accuse others unjustly. 

Accusations come from a place of deception & malice & with evil motives.  People who falsely accuse others are looking to cause problems for the person they are accusing, & they allowed Satan to tempt them into making their false accusations.

People who falsely accuse others of terrible things also do so as a last resort.  They have nothing truly bad to say about someone, so they resort to inventing terrible things of which to accuse their victims.  If someone accuses you of something you know is untrue, remember that their accusations have nothing to do with the type of person you are, but everything to do with the accuser’s own issues.

Stating facts, on the other hand, involves recounting events as they truly happened.  When a victim shares their story & provides factual information about what occurred, they are not accusing someone unjustly but simply sharing the truth about their situation. 

Victims who state facts also don’t have evil motives when doing so.  Anyone who has been mistreated somehow or even abused has every right to discuss what happened especially when they are doing so to help themselves process what happened, heal from the damage or warn others who know their abuser about what type of person he or she truly is.

By distinguishing between accusations & facts, people can create a safe environment for victims to come forward & share their painful experiences without fear of people responding with cruelty, such being called a liar or denying the abuse took place.

Understanding the differences between accusations & stating facts is crucial in creating an environment where victims feel comfortable sharing their stories.  By encouraging honesty & transparency, victims can be empowered to speak out against abuse & raise awareness about the importance of addressing such behavior.  When victims feel validated & supported, they also are more likely to come forward & seek justice for the harm they have endured.

In conclusion, accusations & stating facts are two very different things.  Accusations are said by people with evil motives, & stem from falsehoods & deceit, while stating facts is about sharing experiences truthfully.  By recognizing the differences between the two, we can create a society where victims are heard & supported in their journey towards healing.  It is essential to validate the experiences of victims & provide a platform for them to speak the truth without fear of cruel retribution. 

About Adult Bullies

Victims of bullying & abuse understand all too well the devastating impact it can have on one’s mental & emotional well being.  While we often associate bullying with the playground or high school, the sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, at any age.  Adult bullies are a growing problem in our society, & their behavior can take many forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression.  Today, we’ll explore the nature of adult bullying, its causes & consequences, & most importantly, how to confront & overcome it.

Adult bullies come in all shapes & sizes, & their tactics can be hard to spot at first.  Some use verbal abuse, constantly criticizing or demeaning their victims, while others use more subtle tactics like veiled threats, or making a person believe they’ll lose something or someone they love.  Some bullies prefer physical violence or the threat of it to intimidate their victims.

Regardless of the tactics they use, adult bullies often share one thing in common: they feel insecure or powerless in their own lives & use bullying as a way to feel more powerful & in control.  For example, a boss who bullies his employees may be afraid of losing control of his company or being seen as weak.  A spouse who bullies their partner may be afraid of being alone or losing control of the relationship.  Whatever the underlying fear, adult bullies use victims as a way to feel more secure & in control of their lives.

The impact of adult bullying can be profound & long lasting.  Victims may experience anxiety, depression, low self esteem, & a host of other mental & emotional issues.  They may feel isolated & alone, as bullies often try to cut them off from friends & family.  Victims also may suffer physical harm, either from the bullying itself or from the stress & anxiety it causes.

The impact of adult bullying is not just limited to the victim.  It can also have a ripple effect on those around them.  Consider a boss who bullies their employees.  They create a toxic work environment that affects everyone in the office.  A parent who bullies their child creates a cycle of abuse that perpetuates for generations.  A spouse who bullies their partner ultimately destroys their relationship & family.

We all have a responsibility to confront & address bullying whenever & wherever we see it.  Victims need advocates because they frequently are too beaten down either mentally, physically or both to protect themselves.

Dealing with adult bullies can be challenging, but it’s not impossible.  The first step is to recognize the behavior for what it is & to understand that it’s not personal nor is it your fault.  You are not responsible for the bully’s behavior, & you do not deserve to be treated poorly.

The next step is to set boundaries & assert your rights.  Let the bully know that their behavior is not acceptable & that you will not tolerate it.  Be firm, calm, & avoid getting emotional or defensive.  If speaking up is too intimidating, simply refuse to do as they tell you to do & show them no fear.  Those actions can speak volumes to a bully. Remember, bullies thrive on the power they get from making others feel afraid or upset.  By remaining calm & rational, you take away their power.

If the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek help from a third party, such as a close friend who has been bullied, therapist, or HR representative.  They can provide support & guidance on how to handle the situation & can help you develop a plan for moving forward.

Lastly, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Always stay close to God, surround yourself with supportive people, & practice self care. 

Bullying is not a hopeless situation.  Together, we can create a world where bullying is no longer tolerated.

You Are Allowed To Speak Up To People Who Hurt You

While forgiveness is one aspect of the Christian faith as well as a person’s emotional well being, it doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be mistreated.  If someone hurts you, it is natural to feel angry, hurt, or upset.  Even so, many people struggle to confront those who hurt them, especially if the person in question can’t handle being told they did something wrong.  Today we’ll discuss why it’s important to speak up when someone hurts you, even if they can’t cope with the situation, & how to do it. 

Many people, especially victims of abuse, struggle with speaking up when someone hurts them.  This is due to a variety of reasons, including fear of retaliation, fear of being invalidated, or fear of being seen as “difficult” or “overreacting.”  However, staying silent leads to bottled-up emotions & resentment, which damages relationships & mental health.  You have every right to express your feelings & set boundaries when someone hurts you!  By doing so, you are taking care of yourself & showing the other person that their actions have consequences.

Speaking up also can help educate the other person on the bad effects of their actions.  Many times, people who hurt others simply aren’t aware of the harm they’ve caused.  By speaking up, you are giving them a chance to learn & grow.

Unfortunately, not everyone reacts reasonably when told they did something wrong.  This is especially true for people who are comfortable with their dysfunction or abusive ways.  When confronted, they try to shut the person down by acting like a victim, becoming angry or enraged, or simply walking away during the conversation.  This makes it so tempting to stop saying anything when the person hurts you.  However, this only enables their bad behavior & makes you bottle up your feelings.  Neither is good!

You need to remember that their sensitivity is their issue, not yours.  You have the right to express your feelings, regardless of how the other person reacts.  It’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.  By staying calm, respectful, & assertive, you are showing the other person that you are serious about your boundaries & that their behavior is not acceptable.

If the person continues to refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  While forgiveness is important, it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate toxic behavior.  It’s ok & even wise to distance yourself from people who consistently hurt you, no matter who they are.

Following are some tips to help you in situations like this:

1.  Pray

Before confronting the person, pray & reflect on the situation.  Ask God for wisdom on how to approach the conversation, to give you the right words to say & to show you the right timing.  This helps you to handle the situation in the best possible way.

2.  Use “I” Statements

When confronting someone, it’s important to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.  For example, instead of saying, “You hurt me when you did this,” say, “I felt hurt when you did this.”  This puts the focus on your feelings & can help prevent the other person from becoming defensive.

3.  Be Specific

When confronting someone, use examples & be clear about how their actions impacted you.  This helps them understand the gravity of the situation.

4.  Listen to Their Perspective

When confronting someone, listen to their perspective as well.  They may have a different view of the situation or may not realize the harm they caused.  Give them a chance to speak & ask questions to clarify their intentions.

5.  Set Boundaries

If the person excuses their behavior or refuses to take responsibility for their actions, set boundaries.  This may involve limiting contact with the person, or ending the relationship.

Always remember that you have the right to speak up & set boundaries when someone hurts you.  Your well being is worth fighting for.

People Pleasing vs Kind Behaviors: The Fine Line Between Selflessness & Self Destruction

As Christians, we are taught to love & serve others.  We strive to do as Jesus would do.  However, sometimes our desire to please others can backfire, leading us down a path of self-destruction.  Today, we will explore the difference between people pleasing & genuinely kind behaviors, & the importance of standing up for ourselves & our values.

At first glance, people pleasing & kind behaviors may seem interchangeable.  After all, both involve putting others’ needs before our own.  However, the key difference often lies in the motivation behind our actions.  People pleasing often stems from a desire to be liked or accepted.  We may go out of our way to do things for others, even if it means sacrificing our own time, energy, or resources.  We may say yes to every request, even if it means over committing ourselves & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, kind behaviors come from a place of genuine love & compassion.  We may still do things for others, but we do so out of a desire to help & support them, rather than to gain their approval.

People pleasing can be detrimental to our mental & emotional well,being.  It leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, & low self esteem.  We start to feel like a doormat, constantly saying yes to others & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, practicing kind behaviors actually boosts our self esteem & overall happiness.  When we help others out of love & compassion, we feel good about ourselves & our ability to make a positive impact on the world.

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between selflessness & self destruction.  While it’s admirable to put others’ needs before our own, we must also prioritize our own well being.  This means setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, & taking care of ourselves first.  In the words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  We cannot fully love & serve others if we are neglecting our own needs.

Christians also are called to forgive others, even those who have hurt & abused us.  However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring the harm that was done.  When we practice “forgive & forget” without boundaries, we are essentially allowing others to continue to hurt us without consequence.  This is harmful to our mental & emotional health, & is not what God wants for His children! 

Forgiveness is not a one time event, but a process that takes time & effort.  It involves acknowledging the harm that was done, expressing our emotions, & setting boundaries to prevent it from happening again.  It also can mean releasing the person from expectations of making it up to you, especially if that isn’t possible or if the person has no remorse. This may mean limiting contact or ending the relationship with the person who hurt us, seeking counseling, or confronting the person in a healthy & respectful way.  By setting healthy boundaries, we are protecting ourselves from further harm & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers is the ability to say no.  We feel guilty or selfish for turning down a request, even if it means sacrificing our own needs.  However, saying no is an important part of self care & self respect.  It allows us to prioritize our own needs & set boundaries with others.

Similarly, standing up for ourselves & our values is crucial for our mental & emotional well being.  When we allow others to hurt us or compromise our values, we are essentially giving away our power.  This makes us feel helpless or powerless, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, &/or low self esteem.  By standing up for ourselves & our values, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves. We can assert ourselves in a healthy & respectful way, while still valuing & respecting the other person.  In fact, setting boundaries & standing up for ourselves often improves our relationships with others, as it shows them that we have self respect & expect to be treated with dignity.  When healthy boundaries cause problems in a relationship, it’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

As Christians, we are called to love & serve others.  However, we must also prioritize our own well being & set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm.  By doing so, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

Subtleties Of Covert Narcissism

Most information that is readily available about Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes overt narcissists.  They are the ones who are loud, openly critical, cruel & easier to identify.  Unfortunately, there isn’t nearly as much information available about their quieter & more sinister counterpart, covert narcissists.  Today I hope to help you understand them a bit better.

Covert narcissists are much more difficult to identify.  They are quieter than their loud counterparts, which helps them to fade quietly into the background.  While being narcissists, they naturally want attention, they will sacrifice some attention if it means they can abuse without confrontation.

They appear very nice & often quite naïve.  This makes it much harder to identify them.  It also creates cognitive dissonance, because it’s so hard to believe that a person who appears so nice & innocent is actually cruel, manipulative & downright sinister.

Covert narcissists get their attention in different, quieter & more subtle ways than their overt counterparts.  They give to the point of appearing martyr-like to their family, friends, job or church.  They “let it slip” how much they have done to help other people.  They paint pictures of themselves as very good, generous & caring people.  They may appear truly good, generous & caring but the truth is the admiration from this false image of themselves is all they want.  They truly don’t care about helping or doing for other people.

They are very passive/aggressive.  They will claim that everything is fine, they are happy with you, but they will do things that deliberately hurt you.  Covert narcissists are adept with using the silent treatment, using it to inflict the most pain possible, & leaving their victim feeling baffled not knowing why they are suddenly not worth the narcissist’s attention.  They conveniently “forget” important things, such as dates & events that are important to their victims.  They say or do hurtful things while claiming they didn’t know that what they said or did would hurt their victim or they were just trying to help.  This wicked behavior leaves victims feeling as if they can’t be mad at the narcissist because what they did was an honest mistake.  Meanwhile, victims suffer in silence.

In addition to being passive/aggressive, they are incredibly sneaky.  They quietly say things to their victims in the presence of other people that upset the victim, then when the victim reacts, they claim the victim is unstable, cruel or abusive.  No one else heard what was said, so they believe the narcissist over the irrational acting victim.  Or, they say & do the most hurtful things they can to their victims when no one else is around.  That way, if the victim talks about the abuse, they aren’t believed. 

They know just what to say to inflict the most pain on their victims.  Anything important to victims is going to be attacked by covert narcissists, & in such a way as to leave them plausible deniability if the victim gets angry.  They will claim they didn’t mean it as the victim took it, they were just trying to help or they were concerned.

If you meet someone that appears to be especially nice, who says & does all the “right” things, yet something feels off about this person, you may be in the presence of a covert narcissist.  Trust your instincts.  Something feels off about this person for a reason!  Pay attention to their behavior & watch your back.  Time will tell if this person is a covert narcissist or not. 

When Abuse From Narcissists Makes Victims Behave Certain Ways, & Narcissists Get Mad About It

Narcissists are notoriously impossible to please.  They love to tell victims they expect them to do a certain thing, then when victims come close to accomplishing that thing or actually do accomplish it, suddenly narcissists say that isn’t good enough, they want something more or better, or maybe even say the victim didn’t even pay attention because they never wanted that in the first place.  Victims never can please narcissists because not pleasing them keeps victims under their control.

Another way narcissists are impossible to please is to tear their victims down, destroy their self esteem, make them doubt their own minds to the point they rely on the narcissist for about everything, then narcissists complain about the victim being the way they are. 

This behavior is utterly crazy making!  But, when you’re in this situation, it may not seem that way.  When you are in the throws of narcissistic abuse, this is your normal. 

If you are in this type of situation now, I have some thoughts that can help you.

No doubt the narcissist in your life has made you feel like you are a failure & disappointing them.  You can’t do anything right, you aren’t smart, successful or attractive enough.  Even if they don’t say the words out loud, they are implied, & they hurt.  Yet, if you speak up, you are labelled oversensitive, can’t take a joke or they claim they say such things to help you improve yourself.  You need to know that these things aren’t said because they’re true.  They’re said by a narcissist trying to exert complete control over you.  The only thing that is true of all of these things is you are disappointing the narcissist but that isn’t because you have done something wrong.  It’s because narcissists are impossible to please.  Everyone disappoints them because they expect the impossible from people.  And honestly, even if somehow you managed to do the impossible, they would say you didn’t do it right or you didn’t do it good enough to meet their expectations somehow. 

Normal & functional people don’t try to hurt & manipulate people, then get upset when their victims turn out a certain way as a direct result of the abuse.  Normal people accept the fact there are consequences for their behavior.  They know if they treat someone badly, that person is going to be upset with them.  They also know that treating someone badly is going to result in some specific behavior from that person, & that is only natural.  They wouldn’t be surprised by it if they did mistreat someone.  Only the most toxic of people not only abuse others but are offended when their victims act a certain way as a result of that abuse.

The next time the narcissist in your life gets mad at you for having a perfectly normal reaction to their treatment of you, I hope you will remember what I have said.  Just because you have failed to please a narcissist doesn’t mean that the failure is your responsibility.  The problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the narcissist who is trying to manipulate you, not with you.

Normalizing Abnormal Behavior: A Sign Of Dysfunction & Abuse

Imagine an environment where the abnormal becomes normalized, & the normal is deemed abnormal.  Dysfunctional & abusive individuals thrive in these distorted realities.  They manipulate & control others by distorting their perception of what is normal & what is not.  This behavior needs to be understood by everyone so we can empower & protect ourselves.

When someone experiences abuse or trauma, it can be incredibly difficult to face the painful reality.  To protect themselves from the overwhelming emotions & memories, some dysfunctional individuals resort to normalizing abnormal behavior.  By convincing themselves & those around them that deviant actions or attitudes inflicted on them are acceptable, they create a narrative to shield them from the truth they are afraid to confront.

For example, consider a woman who is abused by her partner.  Instead of acknowledging the abuse, she convinces herself that his behavior is normal.  She may tell herself that he is just stressed, that he loves her deep down, or that she deserves this treatment due to her own shortcomings.  By normalizing the abuse, she avoids facing the painful reality that someone she loves is hurting her.  This coping mechanism allows her to maintain the illusion of a stable relationship & prevents her from having to make difficult decisions.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often fall into this trap as well.  Narcissists excel at manipulating others & distorting their perception of reality.  They gaslight victims, making them doubt their own experiences & emotions.  As a result, victims may begin to question their sanity & accept the narcissist’s abnormal behavior as normal.  This normalization of abuse enables the narcissist to continue abusing their victim & maintain their power.

While dysfunctional individuals may use normalizing abnormal behavior as a coping mechanism, abusive individuals employ this tactic as a means of control.  Abusers start by gradually introducing abnormal behavior & convincing their victims that it is normal within the context of their relationship.  They may make derogatory comments disguised as jokes, invade their partner’s privacy, or isolate them from friends & family.  By making their victims accept & internalize their abusive actions, they effectively maintain power & dominance over them.  This insidious manipulation creates an environment where abuse becomes normal.

My first marriage is an excellent example of this.  My ex husband constantly belittled me, dismissed my feelings, & manipulated me into thinking I was always the problem.  He rationalized his behavior by saying other women weren’t like me.  By normalizing his abusive actions & making my healthy objections seem abnormal, he gained control over me.  In time, I believed he was right, I deserved this treatment & that it was a normal part of a relationship, which enabled him to continue & escalate his abuse.

Identifying the signs of normalizing abnormal & abnormalizing normal behavior is crucial in protecting ourselves from toxic people. 

One key red flag to watch out for is gaslighting, or manipulating someone’s perceptions of reality, making them doubt their own experiences & memory.  If someone consistently downplays or dismisses your concerns, emotions, or the impact of hurtful or abusive actions, it’s a sign that they are attempting to normalize abnormal behavior.  And, if they say something is wrong with you for your normal or healthy wants, feelings, likes, behaviors, beliefs, etc., that is a red flag that they’re trying to make the normal, abnormal.

Also, trust your intuition.  If something feels off, listen to your gut instinct.  Our intuition senses when something is abnormal or unhealthy, well before our rational mind.  Pay attention to any feelings of unease or discomfort.  Ask God for clarity & seek support from safe individuals who can provide a fresh perspective.

Normalizing abnormal behavior or making normal behavior abnormal is dangerous behavior.  By recognizing the red flags & understanding these tactics, we can protect ourselves.  As anyone who wants healthy relationships, it is crucial to reject these toxic behaviors & foster an environment of love, respect, & authenticity.

When Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse Are Shamed For Hating Their Abuser’s Evil Behavior

In today’s world, many people think hatred is always wrong, & that “real Christians” (whatever that is supposed to mean) don’t hate anything or anyone.  A victim of narcissistic abuse showing any anger or disgust over the abuse they endured is often shamed for that, but especially if this person is a proclaiming Christian.  But what does the Bible have to say about hating evil?

At first glance, it may seem those people are right, & there is no way the Bible would say that it is ok to hate something.  However, when we look more closely at the Bible, we can see that it is not advocating for blind hatred, but rather it is rejecting & speaking out against evil.  The Bible encourages us to hate evil, not people.  It is teaching us to have a reverent fear and awe of God, & to recognize that evil has no place in our lives.  We are called to reject evil & stand up against it, which can include the use of hatred.  

The Bible is clear that hating evil is not only permissible, it’s commanded.  Proverbs 8:13 in the Amplified Bible says, “The [reverent] fear & worshipful awe of the Lord includes the hatred of evil; Pride & arrogance & the evil way, & the perverted mouth, I hate.”

Psalm 97:10 says, “You who love the Lord, hate evil; He protects the souls of His godly ones (believers), He rescues them from the hand of the wicked.”  God is holy & perfect, so it’s not surprising that He would hate anything that is unholy & corrupt.  We, as believers, are called to imitate God which means we are to hate evil as well.

Christians are called to hate evil & cling to what is good.  Romans 12:9 says, “Love is to be sincere & active [the real thing—without guile & hypocrisy]. Hate what is evil [detest all ungodliness, do not tolerate wickedness]; hold on tightly to what is good.”  This means we are to reject & condemn evil, while embracing & promoting good.  We are to reject evil in all its forms, which includes narcissistic behavior.

James 4:7 tells us, “So submit to [the authority of] God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him] and he will flee from you.”  Submission to God & rejecting evil has the power to change lives.  Doing so can empower victims of narcissistic abuse to escape their abusers & seek the help & support they need to start to heal.  These things also can give victims the courage to speak out against injustice & stand up for what is right.  They certainly have me.  God alone is the only reason I am so open about my experiences!  I never would have had the courage to do this without Him, especially when my parents were still alive.  Submission to God & rejecting evil also can also help us to cultivate a spirit of love & compassion for those who are suffering, in particular in ways similar to ways we have suffered.

In conclusion, the Bible is clear that hating evil is permissible & even commanded. Today I want to encourage you to stand firm in your faith & reject evil in all of its forms.

A Godly View Of Consequences

It’s a common misconception that Christians should never give consequences.  Narcissists in particular subscribe to this train of thought, as they think their victims should tolerate anything they do indefinitely & without complaint.  Many people who aren’t narcissists though also think a loving God wouldn’t give consequences to His children.  The truth is consequences can actually be a loving, good & Godly thing to do.  Consequences help us to learn, to grow & to learn how to treat other people well.  Today, we’ll explore the biblical basis for this idea & how it can be applied in everyday life.

The book of Proverbs is full of wisdom, & Proverbs 9:12 is no exception.  In the Amplified translation, it states, “If you are wise, you are wise for yourself [for your own benefit]; If you scoff [thoughtlessly ridicule & disdain], you alone will pay the penalty.”  This verse is a reminder that God expects us to use wisdom in our decisions & that we will be held responsible for our choices.  It reminds us that consequences are a natural part of life, & that we should use them to guide our behavior.  This verse also serves as a reminder that wisdom is its own reward. We may not always get what we want, but if we use wisdom & make wise decisions, we will be rewarded in the long run. This is a very Godly perspective, as it encourages us to make good decisions even in difficult circumstances.

The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God is a God of justice & fairness.  In Isaiah 26:10, he states, “Though the wicked is shown compassion & favor, He does not learn righteousness; In the land of uprightness he deals unjustly, & refuses to see the majesty of the Lord.” This verse serves as a valuable reminder that God is not partial & that justice must be served.  It implies that consequences are necessary in order to keep justice balanced, & that God expects us to be fair & just in our dealings.  This verse also serves as a reminder that God’s mercy & grace should not be taken for granted.  Even though we may show compassion & favor to those who have done wrong, they should still be held accountable for their actions.  We should not shy away from giving consequences when necessary, as this is what God expects us to do.

Colossians 3:25 states, “For he who does wrong will be punished for his wrongdoing, & [with God] there is no partiality [no special treatment based on a person’s position in life].”  This Scripture serves as a reminder that God expects us to treat everyone fairly, regardless of their station in life.  It clearly says that consequences should be given to those who do wrong, & that no one should be given special treatment.  It also reminds us that God is just & that justice should be served.  We should not be afraid to give consequences when necessary, as this is what God expects us to do.  This is an important thing to remember, especially for those who are in positions of authority & have the power to give or withhold consequences.

The Bible is full of Scriptures that remind us that consequences can be a good & yes, even a Godly thing to do. Proverbs 9:12, Isaiah 26:10 & Colossians 3:25 are only a few examples of such Scriptures.

As Christians, it’s important that we remember that consequences are a Godly thing to do.  We should strive to use wisdom in all of our decisions & be fair & just in our dealings.  When necessary, we should not be afraid to give consequences, as this is what God expects us to do.

Some Attention Seeking Behaviors Of Narcissists

When I was growing up, my mother was constantly singing.  At the time, it irritated me badly but I couldn’t put my finger on why it bothered me so much.  It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon the realization that her incessant singing was a means of keeping attention firmly fixed on her.  Today, we will discuss narcissistic attention seeking behaviors, tactics narcissists employ to ensure they remain at the center of everyone’s focus.

Imagine sitting around the dinner table, engaged in conversation, sharing laughs, & exchanging ideas.  Suddenly, someone starts singing.  In an instant, the focus shifts from our conversation to the unasked for performance.  It is impossible to continue any meaningful discussion amidst the distraction of someone singing.  Narcissists understand this type of situation all too well.  By drowning out voices with their singing, they effectively halt any conversations that may divert attention away from them & put that focus back on them.  Singing becomes a powerful way for them to remain the center of attention.

Singing also is a sensory experience that captivates not only the ears but also the eyes.  When someone starts to sing, natural instinct is to look at them.  It is an almost involuntary response.  Narcissists, with their insatiable need for attention, exploit this human tendency to their advantage.  Singing incessantly guarantees that all eyes are on them.

However, not all narcissists resort to singing as a means of attention seeking.  The allure of the spotlight can manifest in various other behaviors, each with its unique impact on those around them.

In their relentless pursuit of attention, they employ a wide array of behaviors designed to maintain their position at the center stage of any interaction.  Interrupting conversations is a classic move, as it effectively redirects the attention back to them.  Whether it’s an interjection with a loud voice, a joke, or a story, they make sure their presence is known at all times.

Physical manifestations of attention seeking behaviors can be equally impactful.  Tapping feet or fingers loudly serves as a rhythmic reminder of their presence, demanding attention even when they are not actively participating in the conversation.  Body functions, such as yawning, burping, or sneezing loudly, even become attention magnets, as they are hard to ignore & create a momentary disruption that refocuses everyone’s gaze on the narcissist.

Some other common attention seeking behaviors can be whistling or humming constantly, always having the last word in conversations, making it extremely obvious a symptom is flaring up when they have an illness or injury or displaying very theatrical or exaggerated responses when someone else is talking.

By ignoring these attention seeking behaviors, their frequency & intensity tend to diminish over time.  Narcissists’ thirst for attention is fueled by the reactions they provoke.  By denying them their desired response, we effectively show them that act won’t work, leaving them to either redirect their attention seeking efforts or retreat into the background.

Living with a narcissist like this has a profound impact on the emotional well being of those around them.  Constantly vying for the spotlight leaves little room for others to express themselves, leading to feelings of insignificance, frustration, & resentment.  These attention seeking tactics can be surprisingly damaging.  Over time, these incessant attention grabbing behaviors erode self esteem, as the victim’s needs & desires are constantly overshadowed by the narcissist.  After a while, victims may doubt their own worth & find it challenging to assert themselves in any social setting.

It is essential for victims to recognize that their voice matters & their needs are valid.  Setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted people & of course maintaining a close relationship with God help victims regain their self worth & reclaim their right to be heard, even in the midst of a narcissist’s attention seeking storm.

Narcissists will go to great lengths to ensure all eyes & ears are fixated on them.  By recognizing & understanding these behaviors, we can learn to navigate the challenging dynamics they create & find ways to assert our own needs & individuality in the face of their constant demand for attention.

Narcissists Hide Their Toxic Behavior

An especially challenging aspect of narcissistic abuse is the constant lack of witnesses.  They are very skilled when it comes to hiding their behavior from everyone other than their victims.  This behavior can be so frustrating, because as a victim, you want & need other people to see the horrors that the narcissist is putting you through.  Knowing others see what you do helps you to feel validated & also less like you are imagining everything.  It can be so grounding when someone else sees the problem, which is incredibly helpful since narcissists love to convince their victims that what they did wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t happen as the victim remembered it, it was completely normal, it was the victim’s fault or it didn’t even happen.

Unfortunately, these are the same exact reasons that narcissists try to hide their behavior.

If you are struggling with a narcissist abusing you right now & are frustrated because everyone else sees that same person as a great person, you’re not alone.  I would bet that every single victim of narcissistic abuse has struggled with this issue.  And naturally, as a result it can make you wonder if you’re overreacting, being too sensitive or even imagining the abuse.  Today I want you to know that none of that is true.  You are NOT overreacting.  You are NOT oversensitive.  You also are NOT imagining the abuse.  It is real & it is horrible.  Just because no one else sees it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real or horrible!

Narcissists hide their abusive ways because they know that what they are doing is absolutely wrong.  The problem is that even though they know this, they don’t care enough about hurting their victims to stop their cruel behavior.  It gets them whatever it is that they want, so they don’t think stopping this behavior is an option.  Hurting other people is inconsequential.  That being said though, hurting other people can make any witnesses to this behavior think less of them, so they must hide it if they want other people to continue to think well of them.

If other people witness this behavior, they may try to stop the narcissist from behaving as they do, which is another reason for them to hide their behavior.  To continue their abusive ways, all possible hindrances must be avoided.  It is beneficial for narcissists to show good behavior to any witnesses so that way the witnesses will have no reason to try to change their behavior.

Showing their true colors to only their victims also is beneficial to narcissists because if their victims tell other people about the abuse, those other people won’t believe them.  They will believe the narcissist’s “I’m a good person” act instead.  This means victims will receive little or most likely no support at all.  Lacking support means the victim may give up any hope of escaping the abuse, & be willing to tolerate whatever the narcissist does to them.

The Common English translation of the Bible says in John 3:20-21, “All who do wicked things hate the light and don’t come to the light for fear that their actions will be exposed to the light. Whoever does the truth comes to the light so that it can be seen that their actions were done in God.”  Clearly this behavior is normal to the truly cruel & evil people in the world.  If you are wondering why the narcissist in your life hides their toxic behavior, this is why.  It’s normal to them.  That being said though doesn’t mean that it should be tolerated or that something is wrong with you for being upset about it!

Please, if you are in turmoil because the narcissist in your life has hidden their toxic behavior from everyone but you, remember, there is nothing wrong with you!  You aren’t crazy, oversensitive, imagining things or whatever else you are feeling.  A person who truly is unaware of their bad behavior won’t hide it or try to make those they hurt feel as you feel.  To them, it’s normal so there is nothing to hide.  Narcissists aren’t like that though.  They know what they’re doing is wrong so they try to hide it for all of the reasons I’ve mentioned.  You’re fine!  They, however, are NOT. 

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

While most people have a desire to please other people naturally, no one is born a dysfunctional people pleaser.  Crossing into being dysfunctional means that pleasing other people reins supreme in your life, even above pleasing yourself & taking care of yourself.  It results in toxic relationships with abusive people who take advantage of you.  It also can cause many problems in your own life.  Your finances, mental & physical health can be severely damaged or destroyed by being a people pleaser.  Clearly, the life of a people pleaser isn’t a good life in any way!  Breaking free from people pleasing ways isn’t easy but it is possible, & that is what I hope you will learn from this post today.

To start with healing from any dysfunctional behavior, I firmly believe it’s best to heal the dysfunctional thoughts & beliefs that started you on this road.  Doing so will change your behavior naturally as you heal.

Learning how to be a people pleaser often starts early with children whose parents were narcissistic.  These parents don’t have normal expectations for their children, such as wanting them to learn, grow & one day become independent adults.  Instead, they teach their children some very dysfunctional & toxic things, & those children need to unlearn these things.

One thing they teach their children is that their love is conditional.  They are only worthy of love if they please their narcissistic parent in some way.  This belief ends up transferring to other people as well, & these children try hard to earn the love of people in their lives by doing anything they want them to do.  Children who grew up with parents like this need to learn that no matter what they do or don’t do, they deserve to be loved.  And, anyone who insists they do things to earn their love truly doesn’t love them.  Someone who genuinely loves won’t demand anyone earn their love

Another toxic lesson people pleasers learned early is that they only deserve attention when they are accomplishing something that pleases their narcissistic parent.  If these children aren’t doing something that pleases their narcissistic parent at all times, they believe they are unworthy of attention.  The truth however is that is completely wrong!  No one should feel they have to fade into the background just because at a certain moment they aren’t doing something.  Your actions & behaviors alone don’t make you worthy of attention from anyone.

Narcissistic parents teach their children that they are only worthy of praise & kind words when doing as they are told to do.  The more a child ignores their own wants, needs & feelings & focuses on doing whatever their parent wants, the greater chance they will be shown some kindness.  Since that kindness is so rare, children in this situation focus more on their parents & less on themselves.  This is so unhealthy!  Everyone needs to have balance between doing for themselves & other people.  Contrary to what these children learn, it is NOT selfish or wrong to take care of themselves & do things they want to do sometimes.

These sick, twisted beliefs need to be rejected & healthier ones need to take their place.  When you’re in a position of people pleasing, ask yourself why you feel you need to do what you feel you need to.  Is it because you genuinely want to do this for someone or do you feel obligated to?  Are you trying to earn favor with this person?  Answer yourself honestly!  If you are unsure, then pray.  Ask God to show you what your true motives are & to help you get healthier.  He will be glad to if you just ask.

Boundaries Are Good For Everyone!

Dysfunctional people, especially narcissists, often believe that giving someone everything they want & doing anything they want is what it means to love & honor someone. They even claim it’s not Godly to say no.

This couldn’t be more wrong though!

Romans 15:2 in the Amplified Bible says, “Let each one of us [make it a practice to] please his neighbor for his good, to build him up spiritually..”

Did you notice what that verse says?  It says we should please our neighbor “for his good.”  That alone proves that not everything that can be done for someone is for their own good.  But, even if you don’t believe the Scripture, simply observing those who have gotten their way about nearly everything shows you that isn’t good.  People who are very accustomed to getting their own way are very arrogant & entitled.  They can be extremely demanding of others & have virtually no respect for the time & needs of others.  Worst of all, they also can be narcissists.  It’s very good for people not to get their own way all of the time. 

It’s also good for people not to do for others all of the time, because those who are catered to will come to expect that.  They can become very entitled & demanding rather than appreciating all someone does for them or returning the favor.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, saying no creates a great deal of shame.  Narcissists train their victims to do whatever they want with no regard to the victim’s own needs, wants or feelings. They also make sure their victims know how selfish & terrible they are if they consider their needs, wants or feelings rather than only the narcissist’s.  After being berated for being so terrible enough times, any normal person in this situation learns to avoid having any boundaries, & simply do whatever the narcissist wants in order to avoid trouble.  It seems to be the easier alternative to being shamed for having boundaries.  

After years or even a lifetime of being forced to go along with whatever the narcissist wants, setting boundaries seems almost impossible, & I don’t mean only with the narcissist.  It can seem impossible to have boundaries with anyone.  It can be done though!

As always, I recommend starting with prayer.  Ask God to help you learn how to set & enforce healthy boundaries.  Ask Him for strength & wisdom & anything else you need in this area.

Start small.  Don’t be available every single time someone wants to speak to you.  Let the phone ring sometimes.  Don’t answer that email or text immediately.  If you must get together with someone, suggest a different time or even day than they want.  These tiny steps can help you to gain confidence & set bigger boundaries. 

Remind yourself often that it isn’t your job to please other people.  It is your job to please other people according to what is good for them, according to Romans 15:2.  Sometimes what is good for someone is doing things for them & being a blessing, but other times what is good for someone is saying no or forcing them to handle something without your assistance.

Don’t let other people make you feel as if you’re a terrible person for having boundaries & telling them “no” sometimes!  That is certainly NOT the case!

Narcissists & Repentance

According to merriam-webster.com, repent means:

1: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life
2 a : to feel regret or contrition
b : to change one’s mind

Narcissists are incapable of true repentance.  It’s very obvious to anyone who has been in any type of relationship with a narcissist for even a short length of time that their behavior looks nothing like the definitions of repentance.  They don’t turn from sin or dedicate themselves to change.  They don’t feel regret or contrition.  They don’t change their minds either unless doing so can somehow benefit them. 

If you expect such things from a narcissist, you need to know they will never happen.  They may put on a good show of repentance sometimes, but only if doing so benefits them.  If a victim wants to end the relationship, for example, they may promise change & appear to have regrets, but the problem is these things are only for show.  And, this show won’t last forever.  It only lasts until the narcissist realizes the victim is back in the relationship to stay. 

While narcissists are perfectly capable of change, the fact is they rarely want to, & when they do, they do only because it will be advantageous to them.  They only pretend to change when someone ends a relationship with them because they want that person back in their life, & to resume the dysfunctional relationship as it was.  Causing someone pain & suffering truly isn’t enough motivation for a narcissist to truly change.  The suffering of others is totally irrelevant to them. 

When dealing with narcissists, they seem to think they are above such things as true repentence.  So long as they say they are sorry, all should be forgiven & forgotten, & the relationship should return to its normal, abusive & dysfunctional state.  They believe that the fact they don’t really mean that they’re sorry shouldn’t matter to their victims.  The fact that the narcissist is unable to feel remorse for the pain they caused also shouldn’t matter, & neither should their unwillingness to truly repent.  In their minds, it’s simply the victims’ job to forgive, forget & tolerate the narcissist’s abuse indefinitely.

The problem though is that this is utterly unhealthy.  Not only for the narcissist who engages in such incredibly dysfunctional thinking, but in particular for their victims.

There is a saying.. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over while expecting different results.”  How true is that?  It makes perfect sense!  If a narcissist apologizes to you for something, then you forgive & forget, soon you can count on the narcissist doing that same behavior to you again.  He or she had no consequences for the bad behavior.  Then you forgive & forget again, & the cycle continues.

If you are expecting the narcissist in your life to one day to have an epiphany, realize just how terrible their behavior is, & truly repent, give up on that idea.  Yes, it’s difficult.  Yes, it’s painful.  However, it’s much easier than continuing to live life waiting on something that is not going to happen & be continually disappointed.  Instead, live your life without that expectation.  Maybe it will happen one day.  With God, all things are truly possible.  If it does, rejoice & be grateful!  But, if it doesn’t, you won’t be devastated if it never does because you had a reasonable expectation that it wouldn’t happen.

About Passive Aggressive Behavior

Many narcissists use passive aggressive behavior to get what they want.  It is a very effective weapon, after all.

Passive aggressive behavior is when someone says they are fine yet clearly something is bothering them.  Their behavior & words fail to align.  This leaves their victims confused, & wanting to do whatever they can to make this behavior stop.

Some examples of passive aggressive behavior are:

• The silent treatment, which is refusing to speak to or acknowledge someone.  When confronted, the person giving the silent treatment often says everything is fine or they don’t know what the other person is talking about.
• Deliberately being irritating.
• Running late, in particular when the victim is naturally punctual.
• When asked to do something, passive aggressive people will procrastinate do the task poorly or “forget” to do it at all.
• Sabotaging things important to their victim, such as spilling something on the victim’s shirt as they leave for a job interview.
• Mean comments or teasing followed by “I was just joking!”
• Deliberately making themselves sick or if they’re already sick, making it worse to punish victims for something.
• Feigning weakness or incompetence to gain sympathy or to force others to do things for them.

Basically, passive aggressive behavior lets a person be angry without admitting it so they don’t look “bad” for being angry.  It also is a means of controlling a victim, because unless you are well aware of this sort of dysfunctional behavior, the confusion will be uncomfortable enough to make you want to do anything you can to get the relationship to return to its status quo.

There are ways to cope with this sort of behavior.

Examine the behavior before assuming it’s passive aggressive.  Your best friend may not have returned your call because she is busy or she simply forgot, not because she’s passive aggressive.  If she frequently doesn’t return your calls or shows other passive aggressive behaviors though, that demonstrates a pattern of passive aggressive behavior.

Remember you can’t change this person.  Passive aggressive people act this way because it gets them what they want, which means they don’t want to change.  Nothing you can say or do will make them change, in particular if the passive aggressive person in question is a narcissist.  You need to adapt your behavior to deal with them.

Don’t get sucked into the behavior.  Remind yourself what they are doing & why they are doing it.  Their motivations are not about you, they are about this person not being willing to act like a mature adult to resolve the problem.  If you do what they want you to do or show that you are upset about their actions, they realize this behavior gets them exactly what they want, so they will continue doing it over & over.  Whenever possible, don’t do what they want you to do.  And, don’t let them know it bothers you.

Look at the situation realistically & preferably with a little humor if possible.  My mother used to give me the silent treatment on a regular basis starting in my teen years.  Naturally at first, it was terribly upsetting.  In time, I realized how ridiculous & childish it was, so it upset me less.  I also began to look at it as a break from her drama & abuse, so I thoroughly enjoyed the silent treatments.  They also struck me rather funny because she was trying to punish me, yet I was enjoying my “punishment.”

Give consequences for their behavior when possible.  As an example, if the person in question shows up late as a passive aggressive behavior, stop waiting on them.  If you’re going somewhere together, leave without them if they are late.  If you’re doing something scheduled such as seeing a movie & the person shows up late, go watch the movie without them.

Passive aggressive behavior is extremely annoying, but it doesn’t have to control any aspect of your life.

Being A Joy Thief

So many people are quick to squelch the things that bring other people joy.  Granted, narcissists seem to have cornered the market on this behavior, but other people do it as well, & often without even realizing how discouraging their behavior is to others.

Here is one example of joy thief behavior I can give from my life.  Years ago, I shared a picture of some shoes I really liked on Facebook.  I’m not a big fan of shoes like many women, but these were an exception since they were simply gorgeous & unique.  As soon as I did, two of my aunts attacked me for my supposed poor taste.  Immediately, the moment of joy I felt at seeing these lovely shoes was ruined.  Thank God for good friends though, because a wonderful friend of mine came to my defense immediately, which made my aunts back off quickly.

Another way people do this is by showing holier than thou type behavior.  When a person thinks something is an answer to prayer, others can be quick to point out it isn’t exactly what the person asked for or it’s something rather unique, so it probably isn’t really an answer to prayer.  Or maybe you are like me & believe that there is nothing wrong with asking God for signs.  When telling some folks I got a sign, some people have told me, “You know that’s not really from God, right?” or, “Nowhere in the Bible are there any examples to support He would send a sign like that.”  Such comments are so discouraging & can make a person doubt they heard from God properly.  They can even damage a person’s faith, in particular if they are new Christians.

While these events are hardly the most traumatic a person can experience in their life, they still shouldn’t happen.  People deserve to experience their joy without the unnecessary shaming from other people.  There is no good reason to rain on another person’s parade.

What harm could possibly come from someone enjoying something that you dislike?  No harm could come to humanity because one person prefers autumn & another prefers summer, one person dislikes holidays while another listens to Christmas music in July or even one person prefers tea to coffee.  Seriously, issues like this are silly & not worth arguing about.

Even when it comes to someone’s faith, many issues aren’t worth disagreeing over.  Every Christian is at a different place in their walk with God.  While you may be further along than another, you are still well behind yet another person.  You don’t know everything, so why act like you do?  If someone believes something that you disagree with, unless you can back up your belief with Scripture, let it go.    Romans 14:12 & 13 in the Amplified Bible have this to say…  “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.  Then let us not criticize one another anymore, but rather determine this—not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block or a source of temptation in another believer’s way.”  

Please consider your behavior & avoid being a joy thief.  It will be good for your relationships as well as for your peace of mind.  Being burdened with trying to change other people only makes both people in this situation miserable.  Why behave that way?  Enjoy your life instead & allow others in your life to enjoy theirs as well.

Common Myths About Narcissism

There are many myths about narcissists.  This post addresses some of the common ones & why these myths are wrong.

“Narcissism is a disorder.  They can’t help their behavior.”  While narcissism is listed as a personality disorder, it isn’t a typical mental disorder.  Personality disorders describe dysfunctional behavior rather than a physical problem with someone’s brain.  If you doubt this, watch any narcissist around someone they want to impress & their victim.  Their behavior will be extremely different with each person.

“Narcissists don’t know what they’re doing hurts people.”  Yes they do know.  They know that what they are doing causes pain & suffering, but they don’t care.  This is because one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complete lack of empathy.  If you have doubts, watch a narcissist’s reaction when they hurt you.  Chances are you will see a sign of satisfaction the moment they realize how badly they hurt you.  A slight smirk, smug facial expression or glimmer in their eyes are the most common signs.

“If you tell a narcissist that what they’re doing hurts you, they’ll change their behavior.”  That lack of empathy thing?  That is exactly why this is wrong.  Narcissists do NOT care about any pain & suffering they cause.  In fact, if you tell them that something they have done hurts you, chances are excellent that they’ll do that behavior again because they know how much it hurts you.

“He/She has been abused.  That behavior is all they know.”  Maybe this is true.  Many narcissists have been abused & because of that, they don’t know how to behave in a healthy way.  That being said though, anyone knows that if something hurts them, it will hurt someone else.  That should be a sign that they shouldn’t do certain things!  Even if they don’t really know what to do, they absolutely know what they shouldn’t do.

“Narcissists aren’t so bad.  They’re just selfish.”  Narcissists aren’t your average, garden variety selfish jerk.  Average selfish people simply don’t think of others as much as they should.  They aren’t necessarily out to cause pain, but rather it is a consequence of their lack of consideration of others.  When they learn they have hurt someone, they apologize & try to change their behavior.  Narcissists enjoy causing pain.  They also care only about what they want, so hurting others to get those things won’t upset them.  They won’t apologize sincerely or change their selfish behavior no matter how much pain they cause.

“No one can be a narcissist & be active in the church/a teacher/a doctor/a police officer/a therapist.”  Narcissists are attracted to the so called “helping professions.”  People admire, respect & obey those in helping professions.  Narcissists crave that sort of treatment from others like oxygen.  They also enjoy being in control, & those positions offer them some degree of authority over others.

“Narcissists are all alike so it’s easy to find ways to deal with them.”  Lots of no in this statement!!  While many narcissists behave much the same way, that doesn’t mean they’re all alike.  Not only are there different types of narcissists, but each one is also an individual with their own unique personality, likes, dislikes, quirks & more.  Also Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a spectrum disorder.  Someone who exhibits almost all or all behaviors of NPD is known as a malignant narcissist.  They are impossible to deal with & are much more dangerous than someone who exhibits only a few traits.

“Narcissists are easy to identify.  They brag about themselves & their accomplishments.”  There are overt narcissists who behave this way but that doesn’t describe all narcissists.  Covert narcissists are the opposite.  They are often meek, quiet, appear very unassuming & even not very intelligent.  They appear selfless & even martyr-like.  People admire them for being such good people, which provides them a lot of admiration.

This is hardly an all inclusive list of myths, but I hope this short list helps you anyway.

When Children Of Narcissistic Parents Exhibit Narcissistic Behaviors

When you are a child, your parents are more or less like a god to you.  They are responsible for meeting your needs.  They seem to know everything, only because you are too young to have much experience in life.  They are always there.

Having good parents is a wonderful thing.  It’s also easy to learn good ways from good people.  Obviously life isn’t perfect, but the positive you learned from your good parents helps you handle the less than perfect times.  You are a good, functional, caring person who can handle what life throws at you with grace & dignity.

For those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents, this sadly isn’t the case.

One aspect of having narcissistic parents means you were deprived of learning good & healthy habits.  In fact, you may learn plenty of bad habits.  You may become judgmental & critical.  You may become selfish & not overly concerned with the needs of other people.  You also may learn other bad habits from your narcissistic parents such as lying, refusing to accept responsibility for hurting others or projection.

I still remember when I was only 20 years old.  My now ex husband chewed me out for behaving like my mother.  He was excessively critical of me since he was a narcissist, but in this instance, he was right.  We were talking about some new music that had come out recently.  I didn’t like the music, & he did.  I said that band was terrible.  He said I sounded just like my mother.  He also said, “Just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean they don’t have talent.  It just means you don’t like them!”  He was right.  They clearly did have talent & they became quite popular, but played music that simply wasn’t my taste. 

That conversation was a wake up call for me.  I was terrified of becoming like my narcissistic mother who said everything & everyone she disliked was bad.  It helped me to become more aware of my behavior & make good changes.

It also scared me.  I was afraid that I would turn out like my mother.  I knew first hand how critical & cruel she could be, yet I imitated her behavior by what I said about that band. 

Chances are good that if you too were raised by narcissistic parents, you have experienced similar moments of behaving like your parents.  If so, don’t worry about it!  You can & will change!  The more you heal from the abuse, the healthier you will behave.  It happens naturally.  But, if you recognize that you’re behaving in some unhealthy ways, you can change those individually.  Figure out why you are behaving as you are.  Ask God to show you the root of the behavior & how to heal from that.  Consider how you would feel if someone said or did the same thing to you that you did to others.  Recognizing how badly it’d hurt to be treated as you treat others can be a huge motivator for changing into healthier behaviors. 

If you do mirror some behaviors of your narcissistic parent & wonder why, it’s probably because children naturally imitate their parents.  It doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist!  You’re doing a natural thing, imitating your parent.  Or, it could be some sort of defense mechanism.  Many times, two narcissists marry.  You saw one parent being mistreated & retaliating by behaving as they did, so you do the same to protect yourself.  Sadly, these things happen sometimes.  Thankfully though, you are aware of your behavior & want to change!  You should be very proud of yourself for that!

Microaggression & Narcissists

Everyone knows about aggressive forms of abuse, such as hitting others.  There is another form that is much lesser known called microaggression.  Microaggression is a term that originally referred to subtle actions done or words said to convey hostility, anger or some type of negativity towards others in particular those of other races or sexual orientations.  I believe that narcissists use microaggressions as well, & not always towards people of other ethnicities or orientations.

Covert narcissists in particular prefer subtle ways to abuse their victims rather than relying on the “in your face” style of overt narcissists, so it’s no wonder they enjoy microaggressive behaviors.  These behaviors are hard to detect, so those employing such behaviors easily can fly under the radar.  As an example, if someone says, “You’re fat!” it’s obvious that is an insult.  However, if someone says, “Do you really want that second cookie?” it can appear as an innocent question.  After all, the person asking the question didn’t say “you’re fat” so it isn’t necessarily an insult.  It could be an implied one, however, depending on the person who asked the question & his or her relationship with the one expected to answer the question.  In this situation, an outsider may think the person who feels insulted is overreacting or reading into an innocent question.  While that can be true of course, when narcissists are involved, that is rarely the case. 

Such ambiguous statements aren’t the only form microaggressions can take.  A narcissist can “accidentally” forget things such as to invite their victim to a party that many other mutual acquaintances are invited to or forget their victim’s birthday as a way to let their victim know they aren’t important enough for the narcissist to remember. 

They also ignore their victim or even give them the silent treatment to tell their victim that they aren’t worth the narcissist’s time or attention. 

They may insult their victim for doing the exact same thing they brag about someone else accomplishing.  This is to let the victim know they’ll never be good enough in the narcissist’s eyes. 

They also like to give backhanded complements, which are an insult wrapped in a complement.  An example could be, “You look so much better since you lost weight!”  or, “Wow, I can’t believe you actually passed that test!  Congratulations!” 

Invalidation can be another form of microaggression, such as when you tell a narcissist about a problem, & they act as if you said nothing or change the subject as their way to communicate to you that your problem means nothing to them. 

Offensive jokes are another way for narcissists to hurt their victim in a subtle way.

In these situations, if a victim says something to the narcissist about their behavior, the narcissist won’t apologize.  Instead, they blame the victim for being upset because they are too sensitive, read into things too much, can’t take a joke or other similar statements designed to shame the victim into tolerating the abuse quietly. 

They also deny meaning anything offensive.  My ex husband was clearly disgusted by my weight, even when I was very thin, but not once did he ever call me “fat.”  It was implied, & if I said anything to him about it, he denied calling me fat.  He was right, he didn’t say that word, & I felt ashamed of myself for being oversensitive. 

Microaggression is incredibly passive/aggressive, so it should be treated the same way you treat someone exhibiting any passive/aggressive behaviors. 

Educate yourself on what behaviors the narcissist exhibits that demonstrate microaggression so you understand what is happening.

Pretend not to notice their behavior.  Ignore their games as if you noticed nothing out of the ordinary in their behavior. 

Refuse to be manipulated.  Whatever the behavior is trying to accomplish, don’t do it!  If it’s supposed to get you angry, then show no anger at all.  Hurt?  Don’t shed one tear.  Naturally it’s best to deal with your emotions, but do so later once you’re away from the narcissist.

Never ask the narcissist why he or she said or did that.  That only opens an ugly door for you to be insulted, shamed & otherwise treated badly by the narcissist.

If you’re struggling in this area in any way, never forget to ask God to give you wisdom.  He will do so & gladly.  Let Him help you!

Being Judgmental

Some years ago, I used to sell bath & beauty products I made from all natural ingredients.  I got an email one day about my products.  I was surprised that this wasn’t the usual email asking if I could make some specialty product or make a unique scent for some perfume that the buyer wanted.  Instead, the person emailing asked if I practiced witchcraft.  Apparently because I used natural products & openly discussed my preference for herbal remedies over man made, this person assumed I was a practicing witch, not a Christian.

Several years after that, I had met someone online.  We shared a love of crocheting, so we discussed it often.  One day, she shocked me by saying, “I know why you don’t have kids.  It’s because of your mother!  You shouldn’t let her make you feel that way!”  Since we never discussed children in depth other than I had none & she had a son, her saying this was astonishing.  She also didn’t know me well enough to make such a judgment, but she then scolded me for feeling the way she assumed I felt.

Not long ago, someone my husband & I have known for years thanked my husband for doing something for her, then told him to thank me for “letting” him help her out.

I’m sharing these strange little stories because I wanted to show just how utterly foolish judgmental people can be.  People other than witches like natural things.  Consider how many people of all religious backgrounds like a cup of chamomile tea to help them sleep.  The second person assuming my mother is why I don’t have children isn’t any better.  My mother had nothing to do with my feelings.  And as far as me “letting” my husband do things for someone else, that is simply laughable.  Having been subjected to controlling people in my life & being very aware of how awful it is, why would I do that to anyone, let alone someone I love?  Yet, in spite of the ridiculousness of these assumptions, these & equally stupid ones happen to people every day, all the time. 

While it can be easy to judge someone, that doesn’t make it right.  The Bible tells us not to judge each other.  We are only supposed to judge in a discerning way.  John 7:24 in the Amplified Bible says “Do not judge by appearance [superficially and arrogantly], but judge fairly and righteously.”  In other words, appearance isn’t everything!  Judge by the things a person does.  Their actions dictate their heart, & the heart is so much more important than appearance!  Some of the kindest people you can meet are covered in tattoos & piercings while some of the cruelest people you can meet wear modest clothing, volunteer or attend church every Sunday. 

You may think that you aren’t a judgmental person, & I hope you aren’t.  But please look honestly at yourself.  If you see a homeless man, do you deliberately avoid giving him money because you assume he will use it for drugs or alcohol?  He may use money for drugs or alcohol, that is true, but he may use it to feed his dog or get a pair of shoes since his are worn through.  He may be struggling with mental illness or lost his job then his home.  Such things don’t make him a bad person.  They make him a person with a problem.  You may be his answer to prayer, but you won’t be if you judge him by his appearance.  Whatever his story may be, if you don’t try to offer him at least a little help, that says more about the condition of your heart than it does about him. 

I just wanted to encourage you today to take a look at your behavior, & if you recognize you can be unfairly judgmental sometimes, then please change that about yourself.  Not only is being judgmental ungodly behavior, but it also steals your peace.  There is no point in weighing yourself down with opinions of people & things that aren’t even any of your business in the first place.  Focus on what you need to, & don’t worry about the things that aren’t your concern.

A Commonly Ignored Narcissistic Behavior

The Bible has plenty to say about minding your own business & gossiping.  In the Amplified Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 says, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, “and to make it your ambition to live quietly and peacefully, and to mind your own affairs and work with your hands, just as we directed you.”  Leviticus 19:16 says, “You shall not go around as a gossip among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor [with slander or false testimony]; I am the Lord.” Proverbs 20:19 says, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”

Yet in spite of these Scriptures being very clear, many people have no problem keeping track of others, & talking badly about what they learn while snooping into other’s business.  In fact, some even act like anyone who is bothered if someone does this to them is the one that has a problem, not the other person.

Some time back, I decided to separate myself from every single abusive, awful person in my life & those who associate with them.  I blocked all means of access such as phone numbers, emails & social media.  I made one mistake.  I forgot to block the husband of one of these people.  As a result, I learned that his social media profile has been used to snoop on mine.  I doubt he would do this, so it’s a safe assumption his wife does the snooping using his profile. 

This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it is.  This person lost all rights to any access whatsoever to my life by how she has chosen to treat me.  Plus, I have no doubt she discusses her findings with someone close to her who is just as hateful as she is.  I feel very angry & violated!

This type of behavior is so common & is rarely thought of badly.  It seems to be socially acceptable to keep tabs on people on social media in particular.  And honestly, who hasn’t looked up someone, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend that you’ve thought about frequently since you broke up five years ago, then told your best friend what you found out?  I think that is pretty normal & that isn’t what I’m referring to.  I’m referring to those people who routinely check out someone’s social media or if they see them at the local grocery store, follow them around & then tell other people what they learned.  That is the behavior I’m addressing & find so disturbing. 

This sort of behavior says someone is very envious.  They see someone as better than them somehow.  Maybe they think this person is more attractive, talented or successful than they are.  Rather than act like a mature adult & focus on improving themselves, instead they look for reasons to be angry with that other person & to make other people think badly of them. 

Acting this way isn’t simply unbecoming & ungodly behavior.  It is very typical behavior of narcissists!  One of the most common tactics of narcissists, whether the narcissist is overt or covert, is to tear other people down in order to make themselves look & feel better.  It can be devastating to the victim of this abusive behavior, which no doubt is why God is so clearly against it as to include Scriptures on the topic in the Bible.  Even if it is done by someone not particularly close to you, while it may not be as devastating as it is when it’s done by someone close, it really can be very hurtful & is just wrong!

My hope is that those of you who are reading this today don’t engage in this behavior, but if you do, please consider what I have said & make changes.  Whether you mean to cause harm or not, chances are, you are causing someone harm & for no valid reason.

When Narcissistic Parents Try To Keep Their Children, Children Forever

One subtle way narcissistic parents abuse their children as adults is called infantilization.  This means that the parents continue treating them like they’re much younger than they are.  While this may not sound so bad, it truly is because of the damage it causes.  It often creates severe anxiety, insecurity & lack of faith in one’s abilities to the point they can be debilitating.  It sets a child up for failure as an adult by making sure that child can’t do what they need to.  Even if that adult child has the ability to do something, they honestly believe they can’t.  This means that adult child settles for relationships that are at best mediocre or at worst abusive because they don’t believe they can attract good people.  Even worse, they don’t believe they deserve to be in relationships with good people.  They settle for dead end jobs or careers they hate because they don’t believe they’re smart or talented enough for anything better.  They settle for much less than they deserve in all areas.

Possibly the saddest part of this is that this particular type of abuse is rarely acknowledged.  Parents who behave this way are seen as overprotective or maybe even a bit eccentric, but not as the vicious predators that they are.  The adult child often suffers alone & their feelings are invalidated.

Narcissistic parents accomplish this subtle & sinister form of abuse in many ways. 

Starting in childhood, these narcissistic parents don’t let their child do much.  They may start to do something but their parent takes over because they say the child is doing it wrong.  Rather than let the child learn from their mistake or simply do the activity a different way to get the same result, the parent clearly sends the child the message, “I have to do things for you because you aren’t capable.”

Normal age appropriate activities are discouraged.  Attending school activities, attending sleepovers or even simply spending time with friends are frowned upon or simply not allowed.  As children get older, narcissistic parents often discourage them from working, getting a driver’s license, going to college or even moving out. 

Narcissistic parents trying to infantilize their adult children will tell their children how they feel about things.  A prime example I witnessed was when my mother did this to my father.  At a restaurant one evening, he wanted to try something different for a change of pace.  My mother told him he didn’t want that, & to order what he usually ordered.  They were both over 60 years old at that time.

Another thing they do is discuss things with the adult child that they liked when they were children & act as if they still are into those things.  They don’t acknowledge that their child is now an adult with adult interests.

Telling embarrassing stories about their adult children is another tactic designed to keep the adult child childish.  It is designed to humiliate that adult child.  When the adult child speaks up about their feelings, their narcissistic parent will shame them for not having a sense of humor or being too sensitive.

Remember how in Genesis chapter 3 how the serpent spoke to Eve to manipulate her into disobeying God?  He instilled doubt in her by saying, “Did God really say that?”  That is much like how narcissistic parents make their children feel incapable of doing things even as adults.  They often say things like, “Do you really think you can handle doing that?”  “Aren’t you a little young to do that?”  The underlying message is “You’re too stupid to do that.”  The questions are asked to make you doubt yourself & look to your parent for answers.  The more someone relies on another for answers, the more that someone can control the one looking for answers.

If you are in this situation, you need to remember what is happening.  Your parent is trying to control you.  Whatever your parent says isn’t true- it’s said for manipulation only.  You are capable!  You are smart!  You are talented! 

I also found it helpful to ask God for creative & effective ways to handle the situation.  He definitely will provide them! 

Lastly remember, never let your narcissistic parent see how they hurt you.  If they do, they’ll only do that thing again & again.  Don’t let them have that opportunity!  Act as if their words don’t affect you in the slightest bit while you are in their presence.  Later when you’re alone, you can deal with the emotions however works for you.

I wish you the best in your situation! 

When Victims Act Like The Narcissists Who Abused Them

There is an odd phenomenon that can happen to people who have survived narcissistic abuse & refuse to face it.  They can develop narcissistic tendencies & behavior.

Thankfully, I don’t think this trait is overly common.  Also I don’t think they all are true narcissists, merely showing some tendencies.  Even so, it is a good idea to be aware of the potential for this behavior in victims of narcissistic abuse.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse & are working on your healing, most likely you can be almost paranoid about your behavior.  You’d rather do about anything rather than treat people as the narcissist treated you.  Even so, it’s a good idea to monitor your behavior.  Pay attention to how you speak to people & also how you treat them.  If you hurt someone, also pay attention to your reaction.  Do you apologize immediately to that person or do you make excuses for what you did?  You know the signs of narcissism because you lived through that horror.  This means you should be able to spot those tendencies in yourself easily & are motivated to make appropriate changes.

Those who haven’t admitted to themselves or anyone that their abuser was a narcissist or even abusive at all for that matter don’t have your advantages.  Not working on their healing, they function from a place of dysfunction.  They’re wounded but don’t know it.  They may see some of their behaviors as abnormal but aren’t sure why they are abnormal.  Or, they may not see there is any problem with their behavior.  They are simply behaving as their parents behaved.  When I was in my early 20’s, I realized I was doing that.  My ex husband called me out on saying that a certain band was awful, just because I didn’t like it.  I’m glad he did!  Me not appreciating their sound doesn’t mean the band wasn’t talented.  It simply meant it wasn’t my taste.  That caused me to consider the way I acted in other areas & realized I was behaving in some ways like my parents.  Even though at the time I knew nothing of narcissism, I still didn’t like my behavior & made changes.

It seems many victims of narcissistic abuse find each other.  If this describes you, please be aware of what I talk about here.

Not all victims are the same.  Some are early in their education about narcissism & healing from narcissistic abuse.  They still are going to show plenty of dysfunctional behavior, but the good news is that they’re open to making changes & learning.  Others may be in a similar place to you, & those are the people you probably will feel the most connected to.

Unfortunately, there are also those who are like I have described here.  Please be very aware of those people, because they can hurt you badly, even though it may be unintentional.  I’ve learned this recently from someone I know.  This person was raised by a very covert narcissistic mother, yet never has admitted that fact.  In fact, this person always defended that awful narcissistic mother vehemently.  For years, this person’s behavior was just fine.  Suddenly however, when this person was speaking, the words said were the exact words that person’s narcissistic mother has said!  It was incredibly unsettling & not to mention hurtful.  I know the person didn’t mean to hurt me, but to witness someone who was always a good person suddenly talk like a narcissist was incredibly hard.  In fact, as I write this, I’m not sure if this person will be in my life much longer.  Intentionally narcissistic or not, narcissistic behaviors aren’t something I can handle anymore.

You, Dear Reader, may experience a similar situation.  I hope not, but it is still possible.  Please remember to protect yourself.

Illness Changes Personality & Behavior

When a person faces serious health problems, they change & not only physically.  Their personalities change, too.  That is normal.  Sometimes the personality changes can be very bad.

A dear friend of mine lost her husband some time ago after caring for him for several years.  Not long before he died, she told me some very disturbing things about his behavior.  This once good, kind, loving man was suddenly exhibiting many narcissistic traits.  In particular, he didn’t want his wife to be with other people, including their children.  It was bizarre since narcissism doesn’t suddenly show up, like when you catch a cold.  The more we talked about things, the more I thought of something… 

After I survived Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, the hospital gave me no information & even said my elevated carbon monoxide levels “weren’t so bad.”  They also said I had no brain injury in spite of showing many signs of a concussion from hitting my head when I passed out.  The hospital said I could return to work two days later, but by that time, I still felt just as miserable as I did when I left the hospital.  I was lost, so I started researching my condition.  I also joined a traumatic brain injury group on Facebook.  I noticed immediately most people in the group showed a LOT of narcissistic tendencies & were very insecure.  I left the group quickly, but I realized something.  I was starting to behave much as they were!  I wanted my husband to be with me non stop & was very annoyed he wasn’t.  I knew he had demanding, elderly parents with health problems, plus a full time job which all left him exhausted much of the time, but even so, I was annoyed he didn’t spend more time with me.  Realizing how selfish I was behaving was a real wakeup call!

I told my friend about my experiences plus what I witnessed in that group & in time, we realized what happened with her husband was much like what happened to me.

The reason I’m sharing this is so many people are affected by serious health concerns either in themselves or in those they love.  Whether you are the person with the condition or someone you love is, it’s vital to understand that serious health problems can change someone’s personality drastically.  The condition doesn’t even need to be something that affects one’s brain directly like Alzheimer’s, stroke or traumatic brain injury for this to happen. 

When you become seriously sick or injured, you become scared.  Even if you’re getting the best of care & have a great prognosis, health problems are terrifying. 

Add in that you can’t do things you once took for granted & are forced to rely on other people for help.  That too can make you feel afraid, especially for the person who has always been self reliant, & is a serious blow to the self esteem.

Having to rely on other people also can make you feel like a burden, which unsurprisingly is terrible for one’s self esteem.

Feeling like a burden can make you feel that you need to put your best face forward & not show others just how miserable you feel or how much you’re struggling.  There is a very difficult balance in this situation.  If you act as if your symptoms aren’t as bad as they are, or not happening at all, people often think you’re faking the health crisis.  But, if you are honest about it, people often think you’re exaggerating your symptoms, feeling sorry for yourself or looking for attention.

Feeling insecure & afraid naturally change a person.  Many people get angry.  Many others talk about their illness non stop in an effort to educate people, which often alienates them because people get tired of hearing about this topic.  Most people though seem to become insecure, some even to the point of displaying narcissistic tendencies.

If you are the person who is ill & behaving this way, please work on healing!  You are only hurting yourself & those around you!  I know it’s hard but you can change!  Watch your behavior, & change it accordingly.  Apologize when you mistreat someone or have unfair expectations on them.  Stop expecting people to meet your needs & focus on God to do that. 

If you are the person in a relationship with someone who is behaving this way, remember, you can’t change their behavior.  They have to change themselves.  But, you aren’t helpless.  You need to have good boundaries in place & enforce them.  Talk to this person & explains that their behavior hurts you.  Non-narcissistic people will respond to that!  I know it seems hard to believe if you’ve dealt with a narcissist, but it’s true.  Remind yourself that their behavior isn’t personal.  It’s their illness making them act this way rather than something you are doing wrong.

Whichever position you are in, remember to stay close to God. Nurture that relationship.  That is what will help you more than anything else!

Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing Is Wrong?

When I first learned how some people in my life had been abusive towards me, I wondered if they were so damaged somehow they couldn’t control their behavior.  Then years later, upon learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I assumed the disorder part meant they were sick & unable to control themselves.  I figured I should be able to let their abuse not affect me because since it’s a disorder, it meant they couldn’t control themselves.  Thankfully I learned the error of my ways! 

I finally started to think about these toxic relationships in my life when suddenly things began to click.  There were similarities with every relationship I’ve ever had with an abuser. 

What they did to me was always done without witnesses.  In front of others, they behaved normally, sometimes even lovingly.  My late mother in-law once introduced me as “her beautiful daughter in-law”.  It was only when we were alone, the abusers would treat me badly. 

And, there was an unspoken rule that I shouldn’t tell anyone.  My mother verbalized the rule by telling me I didn’t need to “air our dirty laundry”, but she was the only one who said it.  Others didn’t, yet somehow I knew telling others would upset them terribly so I shouldn’t do it.   I also knew that my abusers talked badly about me to other people, so there wasn’t a chance I would have been believed if I told anyone anyway. 

I came to realize that these things weren’t just coincidences.  These behaviors were done in order to prevent anyone from learning what these people truly were like.

John 3:20-22 in the God’s word translation of the Bible says, “People who do what is wrong hate the light and don’t come to the light. They don’t want their actions to be exposed. But people who do what is true come to the light so that the things they do for God may be clearly seen.”. 

Narcissists may act sometimes as if they don’t know their behavior is wrong, but make no mistake about it.  They know.  That is why they do what they do when there are no witnesses around & even do their best to isolate victims from loving friends or family.  That is also why they force their victims into not telling anyone about what they do.  Narcissists want to be certain that no one finds out how badly they treat their victims, so no one will call them out on their bad behavior or help their victims to escape.

Please do NOT be fooled into thinking narcissists don’t know any better, can’t control their behavior or need people’s mercy because they are mentally sick.  Doing so will result in you tolerating abuse without boundaries.  I know because I did this.  I honestly believed my abusers were incapable of behaving any other way so if I loved them, I should tolerate the abuse.  In fact, I tolerated it for much longer than I should have.  I would like to spare you this pain, so please learn from my mistake!

Personality disorders like narcissism don’t mean a person has a physical problem that renders them incapable of controlling their behavior or knowing right from wrong.  Personality disorders describe a means of dysfunctional behavior rather than a brain that is physically broken that renders a person unable to control their behavior.  This means that narcissists do know right from wrong, barring any injury or disease to their brain that could cripple that in them of course. 

Please never, ever forget this, Dear Reader.  When you’re forced to deal with a narcissist, it is vital that you always remember that they absolutely do know what they’re doing is wrong.  

A Little About Boundaries

People who don’t understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, flying monkeys in particular, seem to all think that setting boundaries & limits on a narcissist’s abusive behavior is a terrible thing to do.  If the victim is a Christian, these people often add in that those limits are “ungodly”, “unloving” & even “not honoring your parents.”  If a victim wants to divorce a narcissistic spouse, people are quick to point out the Scripture that says, “God hates divorce!” or “wives submit to your husbands” while leaving out anything else that can elaborate on these verses.

The fact however, is that these people are entirely wrong.  Boundaries are loving, Godly & honorable.

You can’t change anyone’s behavior of course, but boundaries set the stage to encourage a person to behave in a better way.  Good boundaries also show people how to treat others in a healthy way by displaying clearly what a person will & will not tolerate.

Consequences when someone disregards another’s boundaries also give a person a choice.  They can change their behavior for the better & receive a better, healthier relationship in return for their efforts.  Or, they can continue their bad behavior & suffer the negative consequences, such as someone terminating the relationship with them.

It is a loving thing to do to help people behave in a more Godly & loving way.

What is not a loving thing to do is enabling bad behavior.  Tolerating abuse is far from loving.  How could it be a loving thing to do to encourage someone to participate in bad, abusive & yes even sinful behavior?  It isn’t loving at all nor is it Godly!  Yet it seems like so many people think this is the case, & will twist Scripture around in an attempt to convince other people this is true.

And, on the opposite side of that same coin, how is it loving to tolerate things that cause pain?  How does that sort of behavior benefit anyone?  It only hurts victims & tells abusers that their awful behavior is fine.

I know this post is a very brief & basic one today, Dear Reader, but I felt the need to put it out there anyway.  I feel someone needs this simple reminder, so here it is.  Keep your boundaries in place & keep enforcing them!  Anyone who doesn’t respect them is the one with the problem, not you.  You aren’t a bad Christian or unloving spouse or adult child for having boundaries.  You are simply giving someone the natural consequences of their behavior, as things should be.  People reap what they so, as the Scripture says…..

Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked [He will not allow Himself to be ridiculed, nor treated with contempt nor allow His precepts to be scornfully set aside]; for whatever a man sows, this and this only is what he will reap.  8 For the one who sows to his flesh [his sinful capacity, his worldliness, his disgraceful impulses] will reap from the flesh ruin and destruction, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (AMP)

Enabling Is NOT Loving!

It seems to be a common false believe that giving someone everything they want, enabling them to do anything they want without consequences is loving & even Godly behavior. 

So many people I spoke with in my family were downright cruel to me because I wouldn’t see my father at the end of his life in 2017.  The barrage of phone calls, social media messages & emails was intense.  I barely read any of the messages, because after reading a couple, I knew how incredibly toxic the rest would be.  I thought it wiser to protect my mental health by saving the messages without reading them as evidence for police if I opted to take that route.  Anyway after my father’s death, I learned that because I refused to say goodbye, he finally turned to God!  In spite of my fears it wouldn’t happen, my father gave his heart to Jesus at the end of his life, & is now in Heaven.  (That story is on my website at: http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you’d like to read it)

While none of us knew it at the time, me not saying good bye to my father was for his benefit.  My family clearly thought I was a cold hearted witch who stayed away out of spite.  I knew in my heart God wanted me to stay away & going would have had terrible consequences, but I didn’t know any further details.  Me not going made him reach out to God for the first time in I don’t know how long.  If I had gone, I firmly believe he wouldn’t have turned to God.  So as strange as it may sound, not saying my final good byes to my father was the most loving thing I could do in that situation.

Although many situations are different, the basics are similar.  Someone wants you to do something that you know is not in their best interest.  It may even cause you pain or problems to do that thing, yet it is expected of you to do it.  If you do it, your actions are applauded & if it caused you problems, those problems ignored.  If you don’t do it, you’re criticized & even shamed for being selfish or unreasonable. 

This is utterly WRONG!

Yes, it’s good to do for other people.  Some people genuinely need help & sometimes you are exactly the right person to give that help.  But doing anything a person wants isn’t always a good thing.  Look what 1 Corinthians 10:23 says:

All things are lawful [that is, morally legitimate, permissible], but not all things are beneficial or advantageous. All things are lawful, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life].  (AMP)

1 Corinthians 6:12 is similar & just as informative:

Everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything [and brought under its power, allowing it to control me]. (AMP)

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean it’s for the best that you do it, either for you or for someone else.  People who are accustomed to getting everything they want are spoiled, entitled, selfish & often feel that they don’t need God.  By saying no sometimes, it actually benefits people.  They learn to be more self sufficient, they don’t become entitled, selfish jerks.  And yes, they may recognize everyone’s need for God in themselves.    

Maybe situations in your life aren’t as dire, but still, if you know that doing something for someone isn’t in their best interest or yours, don’t do it!  The good will far outweigh the bad!

Passive/Aggressive Behavior

Another Reason Why Narcissists Act As They Do

One thing I wondered about narcissists & their flying monkeys for a long time was why do they act the way they do?  I know there’s no “one size fits all” answer to that question of course, but there had to be something that explained why these people all act so similarly.   I’ve met people with narcissistic parents or exes who live in different countries, are of different financial backgrounds, have different religious beliefs (or none at all) & are of different races, yet in spite of all the differences, there are so many similarities.  I found that utterly baffling.  I believed it must be a sign narcissism is demonic in nature, but I wasn’t sure exactly how.

Then one day in October, 2017 when my father was dying, God showed me something very interesting.  As I’ve shared before, at the time of his death, I hadn’t spoken to my parents in some time. My family couldn’t handle me continuing to remain no contact as my father was dying, & they harassed me via email, text, social media messages & telephone daily in an attempt to bully me into seeing him in the hospital.  They were exceptionally cruel & devoted flying monkeys.  One day shortly before he died, the situation got to me.  I was angry.  I was also crying & talking to God about everything that was going on.  One thing I said was, “Why do things have to be like this?  Why is my family so cruel?”  He said, “Some people have made some very bad decisions.”  Then, He showed me one reason for some of the actions of narcissists & their flying monkeys.

God showed me a vision of a person standing directly centered in front of a revolving door much like this one…

Inside that tube where the door stands was God on one side, & on the exact opposite side, Satan.  Every decision the person made would open the door towards one a bit more, while simultaneously closing the door to the other a bit more.  Eventually, either God was completely exposed while Satan was closed off & unable to reach the person, or Satan was free while God was closed off.

The latter is what happens when a person makes very bad decisions, which narcissists do daily & have done for a long time.  They continually choose selfish, abusive, entitled, narcissistic behavior over Godly behavior.  That means that they close the door to God more & more with each bad choice, & they open that door to Satan, giving him more access to their lives than God has.  That makes it easy for them to do the terrible things they do – Satan helps them do such things.  He  deludes them into thinking their behavior is absolutely fine, even justified in many cases.  Such thinking eventually can drown out the voice of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe you have heard the term a seared conscience?  I believe this is what happens when a person ignores the Holy Spirit & normal guilty feelings every human feels.  They ignore these things so much, that nothing or almost nothing they do can make them feel badly.  It’s as if their conscience becomes atrophied from lack of use.

There is another important point of all of this that you need to know.  By sharing all of this, I’m not saying that narcissists have no control over their actions, or “the devil made them do it” so they had no choice in their behavior.  They do still have a choice.  Clearly, even under an evil influence, they still know right from wrong.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t work so hard to hide their actions from people they want to impress.  If they have the ability to choose to hide their actions from certain people, they have the ability to choose to do what’s right.  Unfortunately, I think doing bad things is  just easier for them, & that gets them what they want, so that is why they opt not to do what’s right in spite of knowing better.