Everyone Has Individual Paths To Take In Life

Recently, I was talking with a dear friend.  She’s been having trouble with her sister, & handling the problem very well.  She’s showing God’s love & grace in this difficult situation.

 

I felt bad as we spoke, because I knew if that was me in her shoes, I’d be very angry.  I felt like I wasn’t being a good Christian because of that.  Immediately, God spoke to my heart.

 

This friend has told me that growing up, she spoke up to her narcissistic mother.  She never stifled her anger.

 

I however, was her polar opposite- I learned early on never to show any anger.

 

Growing up, my mother would holler at me for my “Bailey temper” even if I was simply frustrated.  I learned very young it was better to stifle my anger rather than show it & be shamed.  It’s only been the last couple of years I’ve been letting myself show anger.  In fact, I can’t stifle it any longer.  I get over it & forgive the other person quickly, but it still feels somewhat foreign to get angry.

 

I can’t really compare myself to this lady because we’re so different.  God wants me to show my anger, I believe, so I’m not wrong when I feel it or show it.  For her, she chooses not to get angry with her sister & that is what’s right for her.  Neither of us are wrong or bad.  We’re simply doing what is right for us.  And, both of our solutions are Biblical.  Matthew 5:44 tells us to love our enemies & forgive them, which is what my friend is doing in her situation.  Various Scriptures tell of times when Jesus Himself got angry (Mark 10:13-16, Mark 11:15-17, etc).  Being angry is not a sin!  It’s what you do with your anger that can be sinful.  Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and do not sin” do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” (NKJV)

 

Realizing all of this was so freeing!  It helped me to feel I’m on the right path for me, just as she is for her.  It also helped me to stop feeling shame for when I get angry like I did at first (old habits truly die hard).
This situation also goes to prove that we all have very individual walks with God. Sure, there are some basic things He wants from all of us, like following the 10 commandments. But beyond that?  We all have very unique & individual paths to take. Don’t compare yourself to another person.  Instead, enjoy your own path, & enjoy the freedom there is in that.

Free To Be You

I have learned that something rather magical happens to many folks when they hit 40.  Suddenly they no longer have the patience for abusive people & will confront them on their behavior.  They become more outspoken without being hurtful, & more free with their praise.  They begin to practice self-care for the first time.  They are more compassionate & caring, because they have seen & been through some pretty rough things.  They finally are freer as well.  Free to be themselves, & free to do as they like without caring about the criticisms & judgments of others.

It’s a wonderful thing!!

If you aren’t 40 yet or if you passed 40 without experiencing this, don’t think you need to be 40 to experience this.  It’s never too early or too late to improve yourself!  Ask God to help  you change however you need or want to.  He will do so gladly.  He wants you to be happy & if changing will help you accomplish that, He will be glad to help you.

Also think about some things & ask yourself questions.  You don’t really need to worry about what other people think of you, so why does it matter to you what others think?  Are you putting others before yourself constantly?  Why?  If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, I’m sure you believe (as I still battle with sometimes) that everyone else is more important & you don’t deserve to do good things for yourself.  That is a lie!  You DO deserve to do good things for yourself & take care of yourself.  In fact, if you want to help others so much, you need to take care of yourself.  If you don’t, you won’t have the physical or mental strength to help other people.

Do some soul searching.  Ask yourself the tough questions like the ones in the previous paragraph & honestly answer them.  You may surprise yourself.  You also will become aware of some  changes you need to make to help yourself live a happier life.

Don’t Let Anyone Put You In A Box!

Have you ever noticed how people love to put other people in a box?  People don’t like to deal with topics outside of their comfort zone, so if you discuss those topics, you are told you’re too serious, too negative, too bitter,  dwelling in the past, etc.

 

I’ve experienced this quite a bit first hand.  When people find out what I blog & write about, many people feel free to open up to me about their own narcissistic mother or former spouse.  But many other people are immediately uncomfortable.  “You need to let that go.  I was hurt  by my parents, too, but I let it go.”  “Why don’t you focus on more positive things?”  “The past doesn’t have any bearing on who you are today, so why talk about it?”  Statements like this  are very frustrating, invalidating & hurtful!

 

People are so uncomfortable talking about abuse in any form!  Victims are supposed to forgive & forget, to understand that their abuser is a wounded person which is why he/she hurt you so you can’t be angry.  Victims are the ones who are supposed to do all the work- all of the forgiving & understanding, while the perpetrator gets off scott free.  No one confronts most abusers, especially narcissists.  Instead, many people insist on silencing the victims or denying abuse ever happened, especially if the abuser is a family member.

 

If you have been abused, I encourage you to talk about it!  Break the silence!  Talking about your story releases its power over you.  It also helps to raise awareness of the signs of abuse, & the symptoms of someone being abused.  Telling your story also encourages & helps others who are suffering in silence, possibly even giving them the courage to open up about their pain.

 

This is how I started to heal- talking on a message board & meeting other women who have experienced abusive mothers.  This lead to me healing & learning  more & more, & gaining strength.  Eventually, God graced me with the ability to speak openly about what I have experienced, which has helped quite a few other daughters of narcissistic mothers.  I now know that speaking about narcissistic abuse is what God wants me to do, to raise awareness of this insidious form of abuse & to help others heal.  So now when people tell me to be more positive, stopliving in the past, etc., although it may hurt a bit, I ignore them.  Writing about what I write about is a calling, & I am blessed to be able to help others with this calling.  🙂

 

Don’t let other people dictate what you talk about.  If you feel the need to share your story, then by all means, share it!  Blog about it, write a book, speak to groups, whatever you feel you need to do.  However, when you do, know it may be difficult.  Speaking about such intimate details, especially when you have been scared into secrecy is scary at first.  But remember- this is your story & you have every right to share it as much or as little as you wish.

 

If you are looking to share your story in order to heal only, which is a great first step, then I strongly encourage you to be wise with whom you share it.  Oddly, most people closest to us are also the ones who are the least supportive in these situations.  You may be better off finding a caring therapist, support group or even an online group.  I don’t understand why it is, but strangers who have experienced similar situations are often more validating than those closest to us.