Tag Archives: repressed

Anger After Narcissistic Abuse

One topic that I haven’t seen a great deal of information on is anger after narcissistic abuse.  It’s a pity too because most victims face a great deal of it, & rightly so!

Not long ago, as I was praying, God spoke to my heart & said that I have a lot of anger inside.  He was not accusatory, simply stating a fact.  He also said it’s time to face it.

I was less than thrilled with this.  Like all other victims I have spoken with, anger was just one more facet of myself I ignored rather than face my mother’s ridicule or shaming for my terrible temper.  It’s only in the last couple of years I’ve begun to recognize & face when I get angry, & it’s not fun!  I’m still not used to it.  Even so, God’s been helping me.

He showed me why this happens in victims, why so many of us stuff our anger.  It isn’t only due to the ridicule & shaming from the narcissists.  It’s also because in many cases, we had two narcissistic parents, & when the overt was abusive, the covert turned the situation around to him or her, & how painful it is for that parent.  As children, we comfort that parent rather than face our anger regarding what was done to us.

There is also the fact that most narcissistic parents don’t give their children time to recover from one abusive incident before inflicting another.  There simply isn’t time to process the anger!  The victim is too busy trying to survive, so emotions get pushed aside so survival instincts can work.  This becomes a habit, even into adulthood, & victims ignore their emotions without even realizing it.

Often, people don’t want to hear our stories.  “It’s in the past”  “Let it go”  “Stop wallowing” “You need to forgive & forget!” & other callous phrases show victims it isn’t safe to talk about their experiences & emotions, so they continue ignoring their emotions.

We can’t forget the flying monkeys, either.  Prior to learning about narcissism or in the very early stages of learning about it, it’s easy to buy into their nonsensical logic.  “That’s your mother!”  “You only get one set of parents!”  “They won’t be around forever yanno!” Such gibberish can make a person feel guilty for their feelings, & resume the dysfunctional lifestyle that is so familiar.

While these situations are understandable, that doesn’t mean they need to be permanent!  Dear Reader, maybe it’s your time to face your anger too!

I know facing anger is scary, especially when you haven’t done it before, but it is also necessary for your mental & physical health!  Holding it in can cause all sorts of physical & mental problems such as high blood pressure, kidney problems, pains without a physical cause, depression & more.  You deserve better than that, don’t you agree?

Once you decide to start facing it, pray.  Let God help you through this difficult process.  I found He guides me to what I need to face & only allows things in small doses.  The anger isn’t overwhelming that way.  I also talk to Him a lot about what I feel, which helps so much in getting it out of me.

Journaling about it is also very helpful!  Seeing your story in writing can be shocking at first, but it also reminds you that yes, this happened, yes it was awful & no it was not something you deserved.

Talk to safe, non judgmental friends.  They can be a gift from God!  They’ll understand, support & validate you, all of which are so very important!

As you work through your anger, you may feel like suddenly you’re angry about all kinds of things that never bothered you before.  I firmly believe this is normal.  I believe facing the unfairness of the awful things done to you seems to make you more aware than you once were of just how many awful or even simply wrong things have been done to you.  I don’t mean things like someone stealing your parking space.  I mean things like how you are usually the one to compromise with your spouse.  Maybe you’ve just always done it, but suddenly you’re seeing that isn’t right & your spouse could do some compromising too for a change.  Just work through that anger like the rest, & have a talk with your spouse when you are able to do so calmly.

You can get through this ugly process, Dear Reader, & you will be so much better for doing so!  You’ll feel freer & more peace & joy than ever.  xoxo

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

About Body Memories

The past week or so, my lower back has been achy.  I haven’t strained it or injured it in any way.  It’s just been achy.  I’ve also been down in the dumps.  I chalked it up to my dislike of holidays, but something else clicked…

 

November 28, 1990, I came home from work to my parents’ home.  I was tired & had a very busy day.  I also had been trying to find somewhere to move to asap during my lunch break with no success.  I wasn’t in the best mood.  As soon as I walked in my parents’ home, my mother started nitpicking at me.  I could tell she wanted a fight & I really didn’t want to give it to her.  Eventually, though I snapped.  I started yelling back at her.  My father got involved briefly, then walked out, leaving me to face 100% of her wrath.  I went to grab some things & leave, & my mother followed me, screaming at me the entire time.  As I was getting my shoes on by the front door, I saw her eyes turn jet black as they did when something awful was about to happen. Looking back, I believe she wanted to kill me that night.  She slammed me into the wall with such force, not only did about every vertebra in my back pop from my tailbone into my neck, I blacked out from pain. There was also a huge hole in the wall.  When I came to, I was biting her arm- my head was the only body part I could move, & I guess survival instincts kicked in.  She was stunned (as was I), & I took advantage of this opportunity to run out of the house.

 

For 10 years after this, I suffered with back pain.  Also I suffered with my mother telling me & others how I was faking it so I wouldn’t have to work, I was lazy, seeking attention, etc.  It was so bad, I wondered many times if she was right.  After all, the doctors couldn’t find any physical cause for my pain so maybe she was right.

 

Thank God for healing the pain in 2000 & showing me that many people who have been through traumatic events suffer with lower back pain with no known physical cause.

 

So here we are, 26 years after the horrible event & I’m sitting here with an achy back.  This is what is known as a body memory.

 

Body memories exist because our body never forgets things.  Our mind may not be able to handle trauma so it “forgets” it for a while (repressed memories), but the body remembers it all.

 

Body memories can be triggered by many things.  For me, it’s usually a date, like this time.  But, many other things can cause them as well, such as the way a person touches you reminding you of someone who sexually abused you.  The smell of a certain perfume or cologne causes anxiety or depression because it smells like what your abusive parent used to wear.

 

It can be tempting to ignore body memories.  After all, who wants to remember awful events?  I sure don’t like thinking about that night my mother threw me into the wall.  However, I think they are showing us areas we need further healing in.  In a way, this is a good thing.  It doesn’t feel like it, but it’s good because we need to know this information so we can heal further & be that much closer to being whole.

 

When they happen, ask God how to help you to heal.  If you don’t remember what caused this particular body memory, then ask Him to reveal it to you when & only when you are able to cope with it.  If you do remember, tell Him how it makes you feel.  (I find writing in my journal easier than speaking out loud about especially difficult things sometimes).  Ask Him to tell you His truth about the event & show you what you need to do for your part to heal.  He truly will help you.

 

I know sometimes body memories can make you feel like you’re crazy, but you truly are NOT crazy, Dear Reader!  You are simply someone who has experienced trauma & abuse.  It’s only natural there are lasting effects from such things.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism