One topic that I haven’t seen a great deal of information on is anger after narcissistic abuse. It’s a pity too because most victims face a great deal of it, & rightly so!
Not long ago, as I was praying, God spoke to my heart & said that I have a lot of anger inside. He was not accusatory, simply stating a fact. He also said it’s time to face it.
I was less than thrilled with this. Like all other victims I have spoken with, anger was just one more facet of myself I ignored rather than face my mother’s ridicule or shaming for my terrible temper. It’s only in the last couple of years I’ve begun to recognize & face when I get angry, & it’s not fun! I’m still not used to it. Even so, God’s been helping me.
He showed me why this happens in victims, why so many of us stuff our anger. It isn’t only due to the ridicule & shaming from the narcissists. It’s also because in many cases, we had two narcissistic parents, & when the overt was abusive, the covert turned the situation around to him or her, & how painful it is for that parent. As children, we comfort that parent rather than face our anger regarding what was done to us.
There is also the fact that most narcissistic parents don’t give their children time to recover from one abusive incident before inflicting another. There simply isn’t time to process the anger! The victim is too busy trying to survive, so emotions get pushed aside so survival instincts can work. This becomes a habit, even into adulthood, & victims ignore their emotions without even realizing it.
Often, people don’t want to hear our stories. “It’s in the past” “Let it go” “Stop wallowing” “You need to forgive & forget!” & other callous phrases show victims it isn’t safe to talk about their experiences & emotions, so they continue ignoring their emotions.
We can’t forget the flying monkeys, either. Prior to learning about narcissism or in the very early stages of learning about it, it’s easy to buy into their nonsensical logic. “That’s your mother!” “You only get one set of parents!” “They won’t be around forever yanno!” Such gibberish can make a person feel guilty for their feelings, & resume the dysfunctional lifestyle that is so familiar.
While these situations are understandable, that doesn’t mean they need to be permanent! Dear Reader, maybe it’s your time to face your anger too!
I know facing anger is scary, especially when you haven’t done it before, but it is also necessary for your mental & physical health! Holding it in can cause all sorts of physical & mental problems such as high blood pressure, kidney problems, pains without a physical cause, depression & more. You deserve better than that, don’t you agree?
Once you decide to start facing it, pray. Let God help you through this difficult process. I found He guides me to what I need to face & only allows things in small doses. The anger isn’t overwhelming that way. I also talk to Him a lot about what I feel, which helps so much in getting it out of me.
Journaling about it is also very helpful! Seeing your story in writing can be shocking at first, but it also reminds you that yes, this happened, yes it was awful & no it was not something you deserved.
Talk to safe, non judgmental friends. They can be a gift from God! They’ll understand, support & validate you, all of which are so very important!
As you work through your anger, you may feel like suddenly you’re angry about all kinds of things that never bothered you before. I firmly believe this is normal. I believe facing the unfairness of the awful things done to you seems to make you more aware than you once were of just how many awful or even simply wrong things have been done to you. I don’t mean things like someone stealing your parking space. I mean things like how you are usually the one to compromise with your spouse. Maybe you’ve just always done it, but suddenly you’re seeing that isn’t right & your spouse could do some compromising too for a change. Just work through that anger like the rest, & have a talk with your spouse when you are able to do so calmly.
You can get through this ugly process, Dear Reader, & you will be so much better for doing so! You’ll feel freer & more peace & joy than ever. xoxo