Are You Or Your Siblings Narcissists?

Growing up with narcissistic parents leaves lasting scars, often leading to a range of questions & doubts about oneself & the dynamics within the family.  Many adult children of narcissistic parents wonder if they or their siblings are also narcissists.  While this is relatively rare, it does happen, so today I’ll explain some signs to look for. 

First, I think it’s important to know almost everyone with narcissistic parents can display narcissistic tendencies.  That isn’t a sure sign of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather simply a sign of having narcissistic parents.  When someone realizes those tendencies cause pain & problems & makes appropriate changes, clearly they aren’t a full blown narcissist.  If they refuse to make changes in spite of knowing their behavior hurts others, that is a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One of the most obvious signs that you or your siblings might have narcissistic traits is the tendency to mirror your parents’ behavior & opinions.  Parents have a strong influence on children’s beliefs & perspectives, but children rarely behave & think exactly like their parents.  With narcissistic parents, children think & behave almost exactly like their parents.

Narcissistic parents often play favorites among their children, pitting siblings against each other & creating a toxic & competitive atmosphere within the family.  Showing favoritism among siblings & constantly seeking validation from your parents are signs of narcissistic tendencies.

Additionally, after the passing of narcissistic parents, it is not uncommon for one or more siblings to take over special occasions or family traditions, disregarding the desires & needs of the rest of the family.  This is a need for control & dominance which is another red flag of narcissism.

Another sign of narcissism is the tendency to exclude one another from the family loop.  Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, creating divisions & fostering a sense of superiority within the family.  Anyone aligning with parents’ perspectives & purposely excluding siblings from family events or important decisions is displaying signs of narcissism. 

Furthermore, envy & competition among siblings are the normal scenario in families damaged by narcissistic parenting.  Siblings try to make their siblings envy them while envying them, creating a vicious cycle of rivalry & resentment.  This envy leads to petty & entitled behavior that is common among narcissists.

During difficult times, narcissists reveal their true colors.  Instead of offering support & comfort, they are more likely to rub salt in the wounds, relishing in the hardship of their siblings.  This lack of empathy & the willingness to inflict further pain are very clear signs of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic parents gaslight their children, denying any wrongdoing or problems within the family.  Unfortunately, this behavior can be passed down to their offspring, leading to a cycle of denial & abuse.  If you or your siblings find yourselves dismissing or denying the emotional abuse you endured during your upbringing, it is crucial to recognize this is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  It also can be a red flag of narcissism.

Moreover, narcissists align with their narcissistic parents, defending their actions & disregarding the pain & suffering caused by their behavior.  This loyalty to the narcissistic parents while simultaneously complaining about them is a classic sign of narcissism.  It perpetuates a toxic cycle within the family

In conclusion, while it is relatively rare for adult children of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic traits themselves, it does happen.  Recognizing the signs is so important for your mental health.

Siblings In Narcissistic Families

Although I’m an only child, I’ve talked to many people who have siblings & narcissistic parents.  Their stories are often quite similar.  Following is some of what I have seen in these situations.

There is that one child who is the “good” one who can do no wrong, also known as the golden child.  There is also a scapegoat who receives all the blame for the problems in the family.  There are also some other possible roles for children in this family.  The lost child is the one whose parents mostly ignore them.  The family screw up is similar to the scapegoat in that he or she can do nothing right but they also aren’t necessarily to blame for all problems.  Lastly is the family joker who constantly tries to lighten the mood of the dysfunction with humor. 

Whatever the child’s role, they are all simply trying to survive their environment however works best for them.  The golden child tries to please their narcissistic parents, often by making them look good or even imitating them.  The scapegoat tries to please them until they realize they can’t no matter what they do, & then they usually begin to rebel.  The lost child fades quietly into the background.  The family screw up tries pleasing their parents, even if it means failing to prove the parents are right about how awful they are.  The joker says or does anything, even inappropriate things, when things get too tense in an attempt to diffuse bad situations.  Sometimes, children follow in their narcissistic parents’ footsteps, & become narcissists themselves.  At the very least, they often display some narcissistic tendencies until they realize they dislike that behavior in themselves & make healthy changes.

These children continue their roles into adulthood, unless they understand the truth of their situation.  Usually the first one to recognize the dysfunction is the scapegoat.  Often, they try to get their siblings to see the truth, but are met with shaming, mocking &/or denial.  Scapegoats are also usually the first ones who sever ties with their family members because once they have seen the truth, they can’t return to the toxicity.  The other children bond even closer to their abusive parents & talk badly about the scapegoat when this happens. 

The remaining children, even as adults often with their own children & even grandchildren, remain blindly loyal to their parents.  They won’t hesitate to hurt their spouse, children or grandchildren by keeping their narcissistic parents as their top priority.  Of course, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  After all, they’re just helping out their parents & that certainly can’t be wrong, according to them.  They often are sanctimonious about how much they do for their parents, & judge other siblings for not doing enough.  In their minds, this relationship with their parents proves they are good people & part of a loving, close family. 

Once the narcissistic parents are gone & only their adult children remain, things can get interesting.  Sometimes, they simply go their own ways, losing contact with each other.  Other times, they continue their dysfunctional relationships with each other.  In some ways, it’s almost as if their parents are still alive.  They still see each other as their parents saw them.  Even after their parents have died, they still treat each other as their parents taught them to, basically carrying out their parents’ tradition of abuse.

If this is your situation, please know you’re not alone!  There are so many people with similar stories.  Find some support.  There are online forums that can help.  My Facebook group is full of caring, kind, supportive people with all kinds of experience with narcissistic abuse.  Talking with others with similar stories will help you so much.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & healing from narcissistic abuse, too.  Read books & blogs, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  There is a great deal of information out there.  Most of all, never forget to pray.  God wants to help you!  Tell him whatever you’re experiencing & ask for His help to heal & cope.  He will be more than happy to help you!