Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

Some Causes Of Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever felt resentment in your marriage?  You’re not alone.  Resentment can arise from various sources, & today, we will explore some common causes of resentment in marriage. 

Resentment is a complex emotion that can stem from various factors.  It is not solely the result of one person’s actions or shortcomings.  Marriage is a two way street, & both partners can contribute to the dynamics that can lead to resentment. 

One of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship is not feeling like your spouse prioritizes you.  This feeling of being overlooked can be particularly painful for victims of narcissistic abuse, who struggle with low self esteem, but it is painful for anyone.

Compromise is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.  It allows both partners to find common ground & make decisions that benefit the overall well being of the relationship.  The concept of selflessness can sometimes blur the lines between being taken advantage of & healthy compromise.  You may find yourself constantly putting your own needs aside to accommodate your spouse’s desires, leaving you feeling unfulfilled & dismissed.  When one person consistently finds themselves making the majority of sacrifices, it breeds resentment & feelings of unfairness.

Feeling taken for granted can be incredibly disheartening, leading to resentment & emotional distance in a relationship.  When you strive to show kindness & appreciation towards others, it becomes very challenging when you don’t receive the same treatment in return.

In situations like this, it’s important to express your feelings & needs.  Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to understand & acknowledge each other’s needs.  An open conversation can lead towards finding a balance that respects both spouses’ desires.  Make a time to sit down together & discuss your relationship, without distractions, when you both are calm & able to talk comfortably & openly.

Most importantly, pray.  Pray for your spouse & your marriage.  Pray to know God’s will for your life & marriage.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray with your spouse too, not only alone, if they are willing to do this.  

If you are in the miserable situation of having a narcissistic spouse, I know such suggestion will not work due to their lack of empathy & desire to do anything for anyone if it can’t benefit them.  In such a case, I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to make them want to stop treating you this way.

Resentment can be a challenging emotion to navigate.  By understanding some common causes of resentment, you can begin to address these issues & work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.  Remember, it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy & a willingness to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Relationships require effort from both partners, & by fostering open communication & mutual understanding, you can create a stronger foundation for addressing & overcoming resentment.

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

Accusing Someone Of Bad Behavior Versus Stating Facts

Many people believe that when a victim accuses someone of hurting or abusing them, they are unfairly attacking the other person.  However, there are clear distinctions between accusing someone of bad behavior & simply stating facts.  Stating facts involves sharing events that have occurred without adding any false details.  On the other hand, accusations often involve fabrications & lies without any basis in reality.  Today we’ll discuss the differences between the two & why it’s essential to understand them.

Accusations are typically rooted in falsehoods & are completely fabricated.  In the Amplified Bible, Revelation 12:10 refers to Satan as “the accuser of our [believing] brothers & sisters.”  In the story of Job, Satan accused Job of wrongdoing that he had never committed.  This behavior continues today, with the addition of Satan influencing people, using them as tools to accuse others unjustly. 

Accusations come from a place of deception & malice & with evil motives.  People who falsely accuse others are looking to cause problems for the person they are accusing, & they allowed Satan to tempt them into making their false accusations.

People who falsely accuse others of terrible things also do so as a last resort.  They have nothing truly bad to say about someone, so they resort to inventing terrible things of which to accuse their victims.  If someone accuses you of something you know is untrue, remember that their accusations have nothing to do with the type of person you are, but everything to do with the accuser’s own issues.

Stating facts, on the other hand, involves recounting events as they truly happened.  When a victim shares their story & provides factual information about what occurred, they are not accusing someone unjustly but simply sharing the truth about their situation. 

Victims who state facts also don’t have evil motives when doing so.  Anyone who has been mistreated somehow or even abused has every right to discuss what happened especially when they are doing so to help themselves process what happened, heal from the damage or warn others who know their abuser about what type of person he or she truly is.

By distinguishing between accusations & facts, people can create a safe environment for victims to come forward & share their painful experiences without fear of people responding with cruelty, such being called a liar or denying the abuse took place.

Understanding the differences between accusations & stating facts is crucial in creating an environment where victims feel comfortable sharing their stories.  By encouraging honesty & transparency, victims can be empowered to speak out against abuse & raise awareness about the importance of addressing such behavior.  When victims feel validated & supported, they also are more likely to come forward & seek justice for the harm they have endured.

In conclusion, accusations & stating facts are two very different things.  Accusations are said by people with evil motives, & stem from falsehoods & deceit, while stating facts is about sharing experiences truthfully.  By recognizing the differences between the two, we can create a society where victims are heard & supported in their journey towards healing.  It is essential to validate the experiences of victims & provide a platform for them to speak the truth without fear of cruel retribution. 

Why Gossip Is Truly Harmful – A Biblical Perspective

Gossip is often dismissed as harmless chatter or idle talk, but according to the Bible, it’s much more than that.  Proverbs 20:19 in the Amplified Bible states, “He who goes about as a gossip reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip [who talks freely or flatters].”   This Verse shows the gravity of gossip, emphasizing that those who engage in it reveal secrets & betray trust.  Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns us of the terrible characteristics of people in the last days, including being malicious gossips, which may explain why gossip is so prevalent these days.

Words hold immense power.  They have the ability to build up or tear down, to encourage or discourage, to heal or harm.  The tongue, as depicted in the Bible, is described as a “small member, yet it boasts of great things” according to James 3:5.  When gossip becomes a regular part of our conversations, it becomes a weapon of destruction.

Firstly, gossip breaches trust & violates the bond between people.  When someone shares personal information in confidence, it should be kept confidential.  However, gossipers betray this trust by revealing secrets to others, causing immense pain & damage to relationships. 

Gossip also perpetuates negativity & spreads false information.  It often involves the distortion or exaggeration of facts, leading to misunderstandings & misjudgments.  The spreading of false information can damage reputations, tarnish character, & lead to a breakdown in relationships. 

Not only does gossip harm individuals, but it also has far-reaching consequences for communities.  When gossip runs rampant within a church or community, it creates an atmosphere of tension, suspicion, & division.  People become wary of one another, relationships become strained, & unity is shattered.  The body of Christ is meant to be a place of love, support, & encouragement, but gossip undermines these values & hinders the growth of the church.

Furthermore, gossip can have devastating effects on mental & emotional well being.  People who are victims of gossip often experience feelings of shame, humiliation, & isolation.  They may struggle with self esteem issues, anxiety, & even depression.  Engaging in gossip goes against the basic principles of Godly love & causes a great deal of harm.

Additionally, gossip can negatively impact the witness of the Church.  When Christians gossip, it creates a dissonance between their actions & Biblical teachings.  This leads to a loss of credibility & makes them appear as hypocrites.  As followers of Jesus, we are called to be a light in the world, reflecting His love & grace.  Gossip undermines this mission & damages the reputation of the Church.

As humans, we are all prone to the temptation of gossip.  It can be enticing to indulge in juicy tidbits of information sometimes.  However, Christians are called to a higher standard.  We are called to be imitators of Christ, who “committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth” as said in 1 Peter 2:22.  Overcoming the temptation to gossip requires a conscious effort & a commitment to aligning our words with the teachings of Scripture.

We must have a heart of love & compassion.  When we genuinely care for others, we are less likely to engage in gossip.  Instead, we should seek to build others up, speak words of encouragement, & offer support in times of need. 

Additionally, we should practice discernment & wisdom in our conversations refusing to spread or listen to gossip.  

We also must be accountable to one another.  Surrounding ourselves with those who hold us responsible for our words can help us resist the temptation to join in gossip. 

Gossip may seem harmless on the surface, but it is a destructive force that can cause immense harm to people, relationships, & communities.  By adhering to the teachings of Scripture & cultivating compassion, we can reject gossip & contribute to a community that reflects the love & grace of Christ.

My Newest Mini Book Is Now Available!

I just thought I’d let everyone know my newest mini book is available in ebook format.  Not sure if I’ll do print or not.. seems silly for mini books since they are maybe half the length of other books.

Anyway my newest ebook is called, “A Biblical Perspectives Mini Book The Pain of Being Your Parent’s Parent: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults.” It is designed to help those who are either under age & still living with their parents or recently have moved out of their parents’ homes deal with their parents who treat them as if their job is to take care of their parents.

This book came about because recently, my podcast analytics showed that the bulk of my audience listened to a podcast about this topic, & they were under age 22. It reminded me of being that age & younger, suffering through the same nightmare. It seemed like the right time to write a book to (hopefully!) help others in that horrible situation.

The ebook is available at amazon at this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CWWQMBB3/ref=sr_1_16?crid=IRN3GPJPPQRM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.M4u3RJkm2BvE5PhKeYIIiethbwADWlJtBojIcSYT9GHEG0ZV6BuFg6B1h8-y_524ckwDQ3xV0k_y2Fe5x-ifuATItuVnMe0tc_cO5POc8AxU1RdMDX4Kyq8qun0qw58v_TMpUnY8Up10On-jPyZUp06mDnaMCaXvZSXklW7BAq3YJAGGLYv-E5XJiTOS1YPqLL3Z3bGZ4dotB-3bsajrG-hCVZkGDYz7TiBh-IbyiTo.maI7PI4xLeg-hzJ_WuIwNVjNNusQ-v5YwH2kayHml5M&dib_tag=se&keywords=cynthia+bailey-rug&qid=1709393357&s=books&sprefix=cynthia+bailey-rug%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-16

It is available at other retailers at this link: https://books2read.com/u/4E7jPz

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

Love Requires Evidence

There is a common saying: actions speak louder than words.  It’s easy for anyone to say the three little words, “I love you,” but it is their actions that truly prove or disprove their declaration of love.  Love requires evidence, & it is through one’s actions that love is revealed & felt.

The Bible beautifully defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  This passage in the Amplified Bible says, “Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. ⁵It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. ⁶It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. ⁷Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].  ⁸Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.”

But how often do we truly witness these qualities in someone who claims to love us?  Are their actions in line with the Biblical definition of love?

If someone claims to love you but fails to display the qualities mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is questionable.  Their actions are a testament to their true feelings.  Ask yourself, does this person display the qualities of Biblical love?

Love endures with patience & serenity.  It requires a willingness to understand, forgive, & support the other person.  Does this person display those behaviors or impatience, irritability, or a lack of understanding?

Love is kind & thoughtful.  It goes beyond mere words & encompasses acts of kindness, consideration, & thoughtfulness.  Does this person exhibit those behaviors or fail to show kindness in their actions?

Love is not jealous or envious.  It celebrates the successes & happiness of the other person without feeling threatened or envious.  Does that describe this person accurately? 

Love does not brag & is not proud or arrogant.  It embraces humility & acknowledges the importance of equality & respect in a relationship.  If anyone constantly seeks to assert their superiority or demean the other person, their actions contradict the fundamental nature of love.

Love is not rude or self seeking.  Love manifests through politeness, courtesy, & selflessness. Anyone who consistently disregards your feelings, needs, or boundaries, reveals a lack of genuine love & concern.

Love does not take into account a wrong endured.  It forgives & lets go of past mistakes or hurts.  Holding onto grudges or constantly bringing up past offenses indicates an inability to truly love & forgive.  (Please know I am not referring here to anger at being abused.  That should not be in the “forgive & forget” category!)

Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth.  It stands for justice, fairness, & honesty.  Not doing so is evidence of a lack of Godly love. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, & endures all things.  It remains steadfast & unwavering during difficult times.  If someone abandons you in times of hardship or fails to support you, their love is not as true as they claim.

Love never fails.  It never fades or ends.  When someone says they love you but their actions consistently fall short of the qualities of love, it is an indication that their love may not be as authentic as they proclaim.

Words are important, but actions reveal the sincerity & depth of love.  When someone’s actions align with the qualities of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 8, their love is genuine.  However, if their actions consistently contradict these qualities, their love is questionable.  Remember, love requires evidence, & it is through actions that true love is revealed & experienced.

“But They Seem So Nice!”

If you ever ended a relationship with a narcissist, only to have others question your decision by saying, “But they seem so nice!”, you’re not alone.  It can be frustrating & disheartening to hear these remarks, especially when you know the truth about the narcissist’s behavior.  Don’t let anyone’s words convince you otherwise.  You have seen their true colors & know what they are capable of, even if others cannot see it.

Narcissists are masters at wearing a “good person” mask in front of others.  They go to great lengths to appear charming, kind, & considerate to those who are not their victims.  By presenting this false image, narcissists ensure their victims’ claims are met with skepticism & doubt.  However, their apparent niceness does not reflect their true nature.  Beneath the surface, they possess the need for power, control, & admiration.

When you think about the narcissist in your life, you may recall moments when they seemed genuinely kind & caring.  Perhaps they showered you with compliments, bought thoughtful gifts, or expressed empathy for your struggles.  These actions were not genuine displays of goodness but calculated moves to manipulate your emotions & keep you under their control.

Narcissists are experts at studying their victims & identifying their vulnerabilities.  Once they gain insight into what makes you tick, they use this knowledge to exploit your weaknesses for their benefit.  They know that by being kind & attentive, they can gain your trust, making it easier for them to manipulate & control you in the long run.

So, when others say, “But they seem so nice!”, remember that they have only witnessed the narcissist’s carefully curated act.  They have not experienced the abuse you endured.  Your firsthand knowledge of the narcissist’s true nature is far more valuable than the opinions of those who have been duped by their facade.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have a very unique understanding of narcissists.  You have experienced their toxic behaviors firsthand.  While others see only a charming & charismatic individual, you see the darkness beneath their surface.  You have experienced the pain & turmoil caused by that darkness, & your perspective is valid.

Remember, narcissists are experts at portraying themselves as victims or deflecting blame onto others.  They will attempt to convince those around you that you are the problem, not them.  But you know the truth.  Avoid those who don’t believe & support you.

When dealing with narcissists & the people who have fallen for their “good person” act, setting & enforcing boundaries becomes particularly crucial.  It’s essential to establish clear limits on what you will & will not tolerate in your relationships. 

Building healthy boundaries means saying no to toxic behaviors & people, standing up for yourself, & surrounding yourself with people who respect & appreciate you for who you are.  Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that are full of only with kindness, empathy, & respect.

When others question your decision to end a relationship with a narcissist based on their apparent niceness, don’t let their doubts sway you.  You have seen the truth, & you know the extent of the narcissist’s manipulation & abuse.  Trust your instincts, & believe in your own experiences.  Trust yourself & your own experiences.  Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.  Most importantly, remember that you deserve to be in relationships only with people who treat you with kindness, empathy, & respect.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise – you know the truth, & that is what matters.

Perspective Is So Important In Relationships

Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are complex & require constant effort & understanding from all parties involved.  However, when misunderstandings or conflicts arise, it can be all too easy to jump to conclusions & assume the worst about the other person’s intentions.  This is where perspective becomes crucial. 

In this blog post, we will explore the significance of perspective in relationships & how this mindset can lead to growth, understanding, & healthier interactions.  We also will discuss different factors that can influence someone’s behavir.

When faced with a strained or damaged relationship, it can be tempting to solely focus on the other person’s actions & place blame on them for the issues at hand.  However, it is essential to take a hard look at our own behavior & evaluate how it may have contributed to the current state of affairs.

Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if we have done something to make the other person feel unsafe or apprehensive about opening up to us.  It is important to create an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts & emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.  By reflecting on our own actions, we can identify any patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their reluctance to communicate openly.

Secondly, we must consider if the other person’s expectations of us are unrealistic or if they simply desire consistency from us.  Behaving a certain way at the beginning of the relationship determines what will be expected from the other person long term.  When that changes, it can damage trust, be disappointing & can lead to conflict because the one expecting certain behaviors may feel let down or mislead.

Trust is vital to any healthy relationship, & when it is compromised or even destroyed, it leads to significant challenges.  If someone is displaying signs of insecurity, it is only reasonable to explore whether our actions have contributed to their lack of trust.

Trust can be eroded through a series of small betrayals or a single significant breach.  It is crucial to acknowledge the impact of our actions & take responsibility for repairing the trust we may have damaged.  By empathizing with the other person’s perspective & demonstrating genuine remorse & a willingness to change, we can rebuild trust in time.

It’s also important to recognize that some individuals have deep rooted insecurities that are not solely a result of our actions.  These insecurities can significantly impact their ability to trust & engage in healthy communication.  By being understanding & patient, we can work together to address these insecurities & encourage growth & healing.

Another aspect to consider when examining a damaged or failed relationship is the importance of boundaries & self respect.  It can be easy to dismiss someone’s decision to step away from a toxic dynamic as them giving up too easily.  However, someone having healthy self respect & refusing to tolerate ongoing unhealthy behavior isn’t bad.

Over time, individuals may develop a greater sense of self awareness & realize that certain behaviors or patterns are detrimental to their well being.  By setting boundaries & refusing to accept mistreatment, they are prioritizing their own mental & emotional health.  Their actions should prompt us to honestly evaluate our own behavior & make necessary changes to foster a healthier relationship.

Ultimately, it is vital to approach relationships with humility & a willingness to examine our own actions.  A perspective that values self reflection & understanding creates stronger, healthier connections.  Blaming the other person for a damaged or failed relationship may provide temporary relief, but true growth & resolution can only be achieved by taking an honest look at ourselves & learning to do better. It is through self reflection & a commitment to growth that we can learn from past mistakes & build a better future for ourselves & those we care about.

Being The Fixer In A One Sided Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly the one trying to fix things?  It’s an exhausting & emotionally draining place to be.  The truth is, a healthy relationship should never be one sided.  Both individuals need to put in the effort, compromise, & show each other love.  In this blog post, we will explore the detrimental effects of one sided relationships & why they rarely work in the long run.

Being the fixer in a relationship means that you’re always the one putting in the effort to make things right.  You may find yourself constantly forgiving the other person’s mistakes, overlooking their bad behavior, & making excuses for them.  It feels awful, like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders alone. 

Being the fixer often means that you’re compromising your own needs & desires for the sake of the relationship.  You may find yourself constantly putting the other person’s needs first, while your own take a back seat.  This imbalance leads to resentment & feeling unappreciated.

Constantly trying to fix things also often leads to a cycle of enabling bad behavior.  By always swooping in to clean up the mess or make excuses for the other person, you’re inadvertently sending the message that their actions are acceptable.  This can perpetuate a dynamic where the other person feels entitled to continue their harmful behavior without any consequences or responsibility.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals actively work on the relationship & put in effort to make it thrive.  It’s not the sole responsibility of one person to fix everything or carry the burden.  Love & commitment should be a two way street.

When both individuals are willing to work on the relationship, compromise becomes easier.  Each person’s needs & desires are taken into consideration, & both partners actively seek solutions that benefit both parties.  This creates equality & mutual respect, fostering a healthier & more fulfilling connection. It also strengthens the bond between them.  The shared effort & commitment create a solid foundation of trust & understanding.  It becomes a partnership where both people can rely on each other & feel secure in the knowledge that they are both invested in the relationship’s success.

One sided relationships have severe consequences for the person who is constantly giving too much.  They struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, anger, resentment & mental health issues such as anxiety & depression.  Constantly trying to fix things & change your feelings about bad behavior definitely takes a toll on your mental & even physical well being.

One sided relationships rarely work in the long run.  The person who is always on the receiving end becomes complacent & take the other person for granted.  They come to expect the constant fixing & giving without putting in any effort themselves.  This creates an unsustainable dynamic that is bound to crumble over time.

It’s essential to recognize the signs of a one sided relationship & take action to address the imbalance.  Communication, boundaries, & self care are crucial in navigating these situations.  Remember, you deserve a relationship where both individuals are willing to work on it, compromise, & show each other love.  Don’t settle for anything less.

Sometimes Illness & Injury Can Make Us Self Centered

When we think of narcissism, we often associate it with selfish & self centered individuals who only care about themselves.  However, sometimes when a person becomes seriously ill or injured, they may exhibit similar behavior.  It’s crucial to recognize that this self centeredness doesn’t necessarily mean they are true narcissists.  Instead, it stems from the necessity to focus on their healing or adapting to a new disability.

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I can attest to the profound impact serious health concerns can have on one’s perspective & behavior.  After barely surviving carbon monoxide poisoning, I found myself constantly thinking about my own well being.  Simple tasks that were once effortless became daunting, as was the fear of never fully recovering.  This experience made me realize the importance of acknowledging & addressing this self centeredness. 

When faced with a severe illness or injury, individuals often find themselves forced to prioritize their own well being.  Whether it’s the physical healing process or adjusting to life with a disability, the focus becomes very centered on oneself.  This shift in perspective is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but rather a necessary response to the immediate challenges at hand.

During my recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning, I had to redirect my attention to the simplest tasks that I once performed effortlessly.  Suddenly simple things became monumental endeavors.  The fear of not fully recovering & the uncertainty of the future intensified this self centeredness.  It was a survival mechanism, a way to cope with my “new normal” but it easily could have become a problem in my relationships.

It’s important to remember that when someone is going through this self centered phase, they may not even realize it themselves.  They are deeply immersed in their own struggles & challenges that make it difficult for them to consider others as they once did.  This realization can help us approach them with empathy & understanding while also helping them to broaden their focus.

When someone we care about is going through a serious health concern, they need plenty of reassurance & support.  Letting them know that you are there for them can provide a sense of comfort & help alleviate some of their fears & anxieties.  It’s also equally important to prioritize your own well being in the process.

As a caregiver or supporter, it’s easy to get caught up in the needs & demands of the person who needs your help.  While you can be there for them, it’s equally crucial to take care of yourself.  Neglecting your own needs leads to burnout & resentment, ultimately hindering your ability to provide the support they need & taking a toll on your mental health.

Changing the subject sometimes to your own experiences or challenges can be a gentle way to introduce the idea that they may be talking about themselves excessively.  By sharing your own stories & struggles, you can subtly encourage them to broaden their conversations & shift their focus.  However, this approach should be handled delicately, ensuring that they are open to such discussions & receptive to feedback.

It’s important to recognize that this self centeredness is not limited to any specific group of individuals.  Anyone facing significant health challenges can exhibit these behaviors. 

By recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior, we can avoid labeling individuals as narcissists who don’t deserve that label.  Instead, we can offer support, reassurance, & gentle guidance to help them navigate their journey.

Don’t Let Holiday Traditions Become False Gods

Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, celebration, & coming together with loved ones. For many people, these traditions create a sense of continuity, nostalgia, connection to their faith, family, or culture. However, there are some who elevate these traditions to a god like status, valuing them above all else. Some covert narcissists become obsessed with doing things exactly a certain way on specific days, & if their expectations are not met, their holidays are ruined. Today, I want to shed light on the dangers of treating traditions as false gods & how this can quickly ruin holidays.

Traditions are an integral part of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging & stability, bring comfort & joy, & strengthen family bonds. Traditions help create cherished memories & reinforce our cultural or religious identity. Many people eagerly look forward to the holiday season because of these traditions.

However, when traditions dictate lives & become rigid rules to follow, they lose their true essence. Instead of fostering love & togetherness, they cause stress, anxiety, disappointment & frustration. Covert narcissists are particularly adept at manipulating these traditions for their own benefit. They place an excessive emphasis on the appearance of working hard for their family or projecting an image of a perfect, happy family. The reason behind the holiday becomes secondary to the performance of the tradition itself.

I have experienced firsthand how covert narcissists can turn holiday traditions into weapons, thanks to my mother in-law. Like her, they demand that everything be done exactly their way, only on specific days they determine, & any deviation from their expectations is met with anger & hostility. They prioritize the external display of a picture perfect holiday over genuine connection, love, & understanding. This not only ruins holidays but also creates a toxic environment that can leave lasting damage.

When holiday traditions become false gods, they no longer serve their intended purpose. Instead of bringing people together, they drive a wedge between family members & friends. The obsession with inflexibly adhering to these traditions naturally leads to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, & resentment for those who can’t or won’t meet the narcissist’s expectations.

Covert narcissists use their performance of traditions as a means to control & manipulate others. They derive power from enforcing their rules & punishing those who dare to deviate. This control extends beyond the immediate family & extends to extended family members, in-laws & friends who are pulled into the narcissist’s web.

Furthermore, when traditions are elevated to god like status, they overshadow the true meaning & purpose of the holiday. Holidays are supposed to celebrate love, compassion, & gratitude, not about meeting demands no matter what & creating a false image of a “big happy family.”

Breaking free is essential for reclaiming your joy & creating meaningful holiday experiences. By creating your own holiday traditions that are flexible & fun, you can take back control over your celebrations & focus on what truly matters.

Reflect on the values & experiences you want to cultivate during the holiday season. Once you have identified your priorities, brainstorm activities that align with those values. Consider involving your loved ones in the process of creating new traditions. Ask for their input & ideas, ensuring that everyone feels heard & valued. Create new traditions that are adaptable & inclusive, allowing everyone to participate & enjoy themselves.

Also remember, there is no law against celebrating holidays on different days. If you must attend a narcissist’s holiday gathering, why not celebrate your own way on a different day without them? My paternal grandparents always had our family celebration on the Sunday after Christmas. It was always a relaxed atmosphere without pressure to attend, & people looked forward to attending it rather than dreading it.

Remember, the goal is to enjoy holidays & foster connection, love, & joy, not to adhere to a rigid set of rules. By embracing flexibility & fun, you can create a holiday experience that is authentic & meaningful for you & your family.

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

Tips For Managing Narcissistic Family Demands During The Holidays

The holiday season is portrayed as a joyful time filled with love, warmth, & togetherness.  However, for those with a narcissistic family or in-laws, this time of year is incredibly challenging.  Dealing with their demanding & toxic behavior leaves you feeling miserable & overwhelmed.  But there are ways to navigate these toxic situations while maintaining your sanity when you can’t avoid them.

One of the most important steps in managing narcissistic demands during the holidays is establishing & maintaining healthy boundaries.  By doing so, you protect yourself from emotional manipulation & maintain control over your own well being. 

Deciding in advance when you will leave & sticking to it, it enables you to take back control & prevents you from getting swept up in their toxic dynamics by ensuring that you are not staying in an unhealthy environment for too long. 

Narcissists thrive on drama & conflict.  They try to instigate arguments or bring up sensitive topics to get a reaction.  To protect yourself, determine ahead of time which subjects you will not engage in & make it clear that you will not be discussing them.  Change the subject, leave the conversation or whatever you must to avoid discussing those topics.  Remain calm & composed, & you take away their power.  Refusing to show anger or hurt protects your emotional well being & sends a clear message that their attempts to manipulate you will not be successful.

It’s also essential to remember that you have the right to do as you please during the holidays, just like any other adult.  Remind yourself that you have the power to make decisions about how you spend your holidays.  Narcissists try to dictate the schedule or demand your presence at certain events, however, you have the right to prioritize your own well being & happiness.  Remember that their attempts to control the holiday season are just a manifestation of their toxicity, & you do not have to comply.

Narcissists are masters of guilt trips.  They may try to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself or not fulfilling their expectations.  Recognize these guilt trips for what they are: manipulative tactics aimed at controlling your actions & emotions.  Stand firm!    Prioritize your well being & reject their guilt trips. 

Narcissists set up impossible expectations & demand that others meet them, including during the holidays.  Remember that you are not obligated to jump through their hoops.  Instead, focus on creating a holiday season that aligns with your values & brings you joy, no matter what that means to the narcissist.  That is your right!

Narcissists will try to make you feel bad or wrong for not conforming to their expectations.  I was subjected to this repeatedly thanks to my narcissistic in-laws.  One important thing I learned is to remind you are not bad or wrong for choosing a different path from theirs.  Embrace your own values & beliefs, & don’t worry about getting their approval or validation.

In conclusion, by implementing the strategies I mentioned, you can create a holiday season that protects your emotional well being.  Remember, you have the power & the right to take control of your own happiness.

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse.  It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses.  Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim.  That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.

Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them.  It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity.  Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water.  If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately.  But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late.  I’ve been through this with my narcissistic ex husband & want to share today what I’ve learned about trauma bonds in the hopes of helping others avoiding the same suffering I experienced.

The first stage of trauma is love bombing.  This is when the narcissist showers you with love, praise & adoration.  You can do no wrong.  You are absolutely perfect!  They’ve never known anyone as amazing & perfect as you.  Gifts can be a part of love bombing too.  They give you things they know you like or have mentioned wanting. If you’re having sex, they can’t get enough of you & let you know they want you constantly, making you feel like the most desirable human being ever

Concurrently with love bombing, they earn your trust.  They validate & support you in every imaginable way.  Any struggle you experience, they are on your side 1,000%.  You are always right, other people are always wrong.  They won’t hesitate to defend you to anyone.  They also hang on your every word & want to know all about your dreams, desires, innermost thoughts, fantasies & goals.

After some time, you naturally feel as if you met the person you can’t imagine living without.  Once you’re secure in this relationship, things begin to change.  Nothing drastic of course… just tiny, subtle changes.  Maybe they aren’t as anxious to spend time with you as they had been.  They also begin to be less generous with praise & become a bit critical.  They may begin to ask more of you too.  Relationships change over time though so it’s easy to chalk up these things to the normal evolution of relationships. 

The more time passes, the more that romantic partner vanishes.  You no longer are the perfect, love of their life.  Instead, you are to blame for everything.  Things that are their fault aren’t their fault, according to them.  They’re your fault.   They also gaslight you into making you believe that they know best about everything, including what is best for you.  Over time, you believe their narrative, not reality & truth.

When this first happens, you fight back, but quickly learn that the only way to experience that loving person at the beginning of the relationship is to give in & stop asking for things like respect & love.  This trains you to settle for narcissistic breadcrumbs, those rare kind gestures, & to be incredibly grateful for them.

This also results in you losing yourself.  You give up those things you once loved to keep this person happy.  Changing your likes, beliefs, & looks seem a small price to pay to be loved like this person once loved you.  You also think if you become what they want you to, they’ll love you like they did at the beginning.

Trauma bonding can result in the body creating something similar to physical addiction.  The constant stress means your stress hormone cortisol level is constantly too high, & looking to activate dopamine to give you that feeling of pleasure.  If that doesn’t happen, something else can happen that I think is more common with covert narcissists.  You feel extremely obligated to this person, & afraid you can’t live without them.  I married my ex not out of love, but out of feeling I owed it to him.

If this describes your relationship, make no mistake, this is an extremely dangerous relationship!  You deserve better than this, & you can survive without this person.  Do yourself a favor & leave as soon as possible!

Problem With Purchasing My Courses SOLVED!

Please don’t ask, I have absolutely no clue what I did that fixed things, but finally, my courses can be purchased online!! (obviously my talents lie in writing not creating websites!) My sincerest apologies for taking so long!

There are only a couple available now but now that my site is working properly, I will get back to work on creating others & writing books. The link is below if you want to check them out. They’re also on sale until the end of the year.

Thank you everyone for your patience & understanding! So sorry for the inconvenience!

https://store.cynthiabaileyrug.com/home/courses/

Unmasking The Ahab Spirit

The Ahab spirit is a toxic evil spirit that can influence or even possess people.  It appears as a toxic personality that often goes unnoticed due to its subtlety.  This blog post aims to shed light on the characteristics & behaviors of the Ahab spirit, exploring how it is just as toxic as the infamous Jezebel spirit, albeit in a quieter & more covert manner.

The Ahab spirit is a master manipulator that is highly skilled at using guilt & subtle tactics to control & manipulate others.  They often feign helplessness, portraying themselves as weak & incompetent, to gain pity & sympathy & also to encourage others to cater to their needs.  By adopting a passive & helpless persona, they frequently succeed in convincing others to take care of them in all kinds of ways.

The Ahab spirit also is extremely selfish & critical.  They may constantly find fault in others, criticizing their actions & behavior under the guise of false concern, while simultaneously shirking their own responsibilities.  This critical nature serves as a defense mechanism, deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings & inadequacies.  By using the façade of false concern, they also are able to make others think they are good people, who aren’t cruel but genuinely concerned about the person they are so harshly criticizing.

Despite lacking empathy, the Ahab spirit possesses a unique ability to fake it.  They may mimic empathy periodically to manipulate others & fulfill their own desires.  This calculated behavior allows them to maintain control over their surroundings & ensure their needs are met, all while appearing caring & concerned.

Another defining trait of the Ahab spirit is its sense of entitlement.  They believe they are deserving of preferential treatment & attention, expecting others to prioritize their needs at any cost.  This entitlement can manifest in various ways, such as expecting others to cater to their every whim or assuming that others should always be available to meet their needs.

Moreover, the Ahab spirit exhibits a lack of responsibility & maturity, resembling a perpetual child.  They rely heavily on others to handle their responsibilities & shield them from the consequences of their actions.  This irresponsibility further reinforces their dependency on others & perpetuates their “always a victim” act.

Interestingly, the Ahab spirit is frequently attracted to the Jezebel spirit, creating a toxic union.  This pairing appears to be a case of the long-suffering spouse (Ahab) enduring the awful behavior of their partner (Jezebel), but in reality, the Ahab spirit is just as toxic, if not more so, albeit in a quieter & more subtle manner.

If you are thinking that the Ahab spirit sounds like a covert narcissist, I fully agree with you!  I believe narcissistic behavior to be demonic.  This spirit guides the toxic & abusive behavior of covert narcissists, because, in my opinion they are either influenced or possessed by it.  Likewise I believe the Jezebel spirit influences overt narcissists, & will discuss that in a separate post.

Recognizing the Ahab spirit is crucial if one is to break away from it.  To do so, people must establish firm boundaries to reclaim their autonomy.  This involves recognizing & challenging the manipulative tactics employed by the Ahab spirit, such as guilt-tripping & shifting responsibility, as well as keeping a distance. 

The Ahab spirit may present itself as passive, helpless, & weak, but beneath this facade lies a toxic & manipulative personality.  Its subtlety allows it to fly under the radar, making it all the more insidious.  By recognizing its traits & behaviors, individuals can protect themselves from its harmful influence.

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

People Who Try To Break Up Marriages Are Treading Dangerous Waters

Marriage is a covenant between a husband & wife, but more importantly, it’s a covenant with God.  Throughout the Bible, we can find numerous passages that emphasize the sanctity of marriage & warn against any attempts to break it apart.  One such passage is Genesis 2:24, which in the Amplified Bible states, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” 

In Hebrews 13:4, it is further emphasized that marriage is to be held in honor by all.  The verse says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”  This Scripture reminds us that God takes marriage seriously & will judge those who disrespect this sacred institution.

Matthew 19:6 is another powerful reminder of God’s design for marriage.  Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  These words from Jesus Himself leave no room for ambiguity.  When a couple enters into marriage, they become one flesh, & it is not for anyone to tear that union apart.

Additionally, in 1 Peter 4:15, it is written, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;”  This Verse warns against meddling in the affairs of others, which includes marriages.  It is a clear reminder that we should not interfere in something that does not concern us.  By crossing this line, we’re going against God’s command.

Everyone must be aware of the dangers that come with attempting to break up marriages.  People who do this are going against God’s will, & causing immense pain to the couple involved.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who tries to break up our marriage.

It is also essential to discern the difference between offering support & meddling in someone’s marriage.  We must respect the boundaries & privacy of others.  It is crucial for couples to protect their marriage by establishing clear boundaries & remaining steadfast in their commitment to one another.

We must be vigilant in guarding our marriage against any external influences that could potentially harm it.  This includes staying away from individuals who may try to undermine or interfere in our relationship.  When faced with someone attempting to break up your marriage, it is vital to stay grounded in your faith & trust in God’s guidance.

Marriage is a sacred covenant that deserves our utmost respect & protection.  God takes marriage seriously, & we must honor & preserve this institution.  Those who try to break up marriages not only show a great amount of disrespect to the couple but are also going against God’s will.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who attempts to interfere in marriage & to support & encourage couples in their journey together. 

For All Of The “Good Girls”

From a young age, girls labeled as “good girls” bear the weight of unrealistic expectations, meaning the label comes at a very high price.  They are trained from a very early age to embrace a life without boundaries, where saying no is deemed unacceptable, & expressing negative feelings is taboo.  These girls are taught that showing anger isn’t “ladylike”, & their main focus should be on pleasing others, even at the expense of their own needs.  These harmful beliefs create a freeze or fawn response, leaving many girls feeling trapped & unable to assert themselves.  To all the other “good girls” like me out there, you need to recognize that you were lied to.  These lies are perpetrated by abusers & other toxic, dysfunctional individuals who seek to manipulate & control.  It’s time to reject these terrible beliefs & embrace the fact that you deserve so much better.

As young girls, the pressure to be labeled a “good girl” often begins subtly.  We are praised for being compliant, for not causing trouble, & for putting others’ needs before our own.  However, this praise comes at the cost of erasing our boundaries.  We are taught that saying no is impolite & makes us “bad girls.”  We are conditioned to prioritize the desires of others above our own, leading us to develop a deep sense of self sacrifice.

This erasure of boundaries has long lasting effects.  As we grow older, we struggle to assert ourselves or establish healthy boundaries in relationships.  We become people pleasers, constantly seeking validation & approval from others.  We fear disappointing others & often find it challenging to say no, even when we are overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

It’s so essential to recognize that boundaries are not only necessary but also healthy.  They define who we are, what we stand for, & what we will & will not tolerate.  By reclaiming our boundaries, we can regain control over our lives & establish healthier relationships built on mutual respect & understanding.

Another damaging aspect of being labeled a “good girl” is the expectation to hide or suppress negative emotions.  From a young age, we are taught that expressing anger or even frustration is unacceptable.  My narcissistic mother would shame me for having what she called, “That Bailey temper” even if I was simply frustrated, yet her screaming & raging was perfectly acceptable.  Sadly this is the norm with narcissistic parents.  We are told to be polite, kind, & accommodating at all times while they are allowed to say & do anything they like.  Because of this, we learn to bury our negative feelings deep within ourselves, fearing that acknowledging them will make us “difficult” or “unladylike” or feel terrible shame.

This suppression of negative emotions can lead to struggling to identify & process our feelings effectively, which can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.  By denying ourselves the right to express our emotions, we deny our own humanity & perpetuate the harmful notion that our negative experiences are invalid.

It’s vital to embrace all of our emotions & recognize that they are valid & worthy of acknowledgment.  By allowing ourselves to express anger, sadness, & frustration in healthy ways, we cultivate emotional & mental health.

One of the most damaging expectations placed upon “good girls” is the belief that our main focus should be on pleasing others.  We learn that our worth lies in our ability to make others happy & meet their needs.  We find ourselves constantly striving for external validation, seeking approval & acceptance from others.  In doing so, we lose touch with our own desires & needs, sacrificing our own health & happiness.  This perpetual people-pleasing leaves us exhausted, empty, & unfulfilled.

It’s time to prioritize our needs & desires, & cultivate self worth & build healthier, more authentic relationships.  Pleasing others should not be our sole purpose in life; rather, it should be a byproduct of living true to ourselves.

To all the other “good girls” out there, it’s time to break free from the harmful beliefs that have held us captive for far too long.  We were lied to, manipulated by abusers & other toxic individuals who sought to control & exploit our innate goodness.  Embrace your boundaries, express your emotions, & prioritize your well being.  You deserve so much better than a life defined by unrealistic expectations.  Reclaim your power & know that you are worthy of love, respect, & happiness.

My Latest Venture

I decided some time back to try creating courses. I looked into what many online courses on all topics involve, thought & prayed about what I learned. So far, I have created two, but look forward to creating more. The current courses are called, “Rediscovering Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse” & “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries.”

My courses are all downloadable. They consist of written lessons with corresponding fillable .pdf forms (makes them easy to complete on your phone, tablet or computer or print out). So many folks who follow my work have told me that they, like me, learn best from reading over video or audio. I’d rather write than make either video or audio any day so that works for me!

Below is the link to these new courses. I hope you’ll check them out. I plan to add more over time so check back often.

Also, I’m offering them at a discount from now until the end of the year.

By the way… I’ve never created a site with a shopping cart & downloadable anything before. It looks like everything works ok, but I’m not 100% sure. If you find any problems, please let me know! Just email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com Thank you!

Cynthia’s Courses

How & Why People Try To Normalize Bad Behavior

Have you ever wondered why some people try to normalize bad behavior?  Why do they downplay or even defend actions that are clearly harmful or abusive?  The answer is complex & goes deep into the dysfunctional mind.

When it comes to dysfunctional or abusive relationships, people use various coping mechanisms to survive the emotional turmoil.  One common yet very dysfunctional coping mechanism is the act of normalizing bad behavior.  By convincing themselves that the actions of their abusers are not evil or abusive, they create a distorted reality where their trauma becomes more manageable.

For many victims, admitting that their abusers were truly evil would mean confronting the depth of their pain & the extent of the trauma they endured.  It can be incredibly difficult to accept that someone you loved & trusted could be capable of such cruelty.  Doing that is a frightening prospect, one that is too frightening for some people.  But, if they can normalize the behavior, they can avoid having to accept the painful truth.  If they can convince themselves that the abusive behavior is normal or acceptable, they can shield themselves from the full weight of their trauma.

Narcissists have different reasons when it comes to normalizing bad behavior.  They actively condition their victims to tolerate abuse by convincing them that it is not as bad as they think it is.  By subtly manipulating their victims’ perception of reality, over time, narcissists make their victims feel ashamed for being upset or traumatized by the abuse.

Through gaslighting, a common tactic used by narcissists, victims are made to question the validity of their emotions & over time, even question their own sanity.  Narcissists will twist the truth, deny their actions, or even blame the victim for provoking the abuse.  This constant manipulation erodes a victim’s self esteem & makes them believe that their reactions to the abuse are exaggerated or unwarranted.  It also makes them believe their reactions are the real problem rather than the abuse.

As a result of all of this manipulation, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to tolerate the abusive behavior in an attempt to avoid the shame associated with their emotional responses.  They fear being labeled as overly sensitive, irrational or crazy, & so they suppress their true feelings.  This allows the narcissist to maintain control over the victim & perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

By normalizing bad behavior, both dysfunctional individuals & narcissists create an illusion of normalcy that shields them from facing any harsh reality.  For dysfunctional individuals, it helps them maintain the illusion of normalcy & stability in their lives, even if those things are built upon a foundation of denial.  By convincing themselves that the abuse they endured is not truly abusive, they can continue to function without confronting the trauma.

Similarly, narcissists rely on the normalization of their behavior to perpetuate their control over their victims.  By making the victims believe that the abuse is normal or deserved, they ensure that the victim will not seek help or escape the toxic relationship.  This manipulation allows the narcissist to maintain power & control, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

To sum it up, the normalization of bad behavior serves as a coping mechanism for dysfunctional individuals & a means of control for narcissists.  By distorting reality & convincing themselves or their victims that the abuse is not bad or is even simply normal behavior, they create an environment where abuse can be denied.  Understanding these dynamics is crucial for breaking free of abuse, healing from it & protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse.  Remember, as painful as the ugly truth can be, it’s always less painful than living a lie.

A Subtle Sign Of Control No One Warns You About: Not Being Willing To Work On The Relationship

Imagine being in a relationship, & everything seems perfect at first.  But, as time goes on, you notice your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship or address any problems.  If you mention problems, he or she always starts a fight.  They know their behavior hurts you, yet they refuse to make any changes.  They even make excuses for their actions, deny any wrongdoing, & minimize the harm they’ve caused.  All of these are red flags that indicate someone expects to be in control of the relationship.

This behavior has a significant impact on your emotional well being.  Being in a relationship where your needs are constantly put on the back burner (if they even make it onto the stove at all!) & invalidated is detrimental to your self esteem. 

Instead of addressing issues or concerns, controlling partners sweep problems under the rug, start fights & avoid taking responsibility for their part in any problems.

A partner who consistently avoids working on the relationship works hard to create a situation where they hold all the control.  They dictate the terms of the relationship, & their partner is left feeling powerless & voiceless. 

Their refusal to work on the relationship also leads to unresolved conflict.  Without open communication & a willingness to address problems, the relationship becomes stagnant & filled with tension. 

Another subtle sign of control is when a partner consistently excuses or denies their harmful behavior.  They downplay the impact of their actions, dismissing their partner’s feelings & invalidating their pain.  This gaslighting is extremely manipulative & aims to make a person doubt their own reality.

Excusing or denying their dysfunctional or even abusive behavior allows a partner like this to maintain control over the relationship.  By refusing to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, they avoid taking responsibility & are able to continue their controlling behavior without consequence. Toxic partners want those in relationship with them to believe that having needs means they’re demanding or, “too much”.  However, having needs is normal & healthy in any relationship.  You deserve to have your needs met & to feel validated in your emotions!

In a healthy relationship, both partners should have an equal amount of space & be able to depend on each other.  When someone expects to be in control of the relationship, they want your needs to be on the back burner, prioritize their own desires & expect you to be ok with it. That’s so wrong!

Controlling individuals also want you to believe that depending on another person is a sign of weakness.  They discourage those in relationship with them from seeking support or leaning on them for emotional support as a way to exert their control over the relationship & prevent healthy dependencies.

Humans are made to need & serve each other.  God designed relationships to be a partnership where both individuals rely on each other for support, love, & understanding.  No one, even including parents, children, should come before one’s spouse.

Recognizing when someone is unwilling to work on the relationship, excuses or denies their behavior, minimizes the pain they inflict, & expects others to put their needs on the back burner are all clear indicators that they desire control.  It’s normal & healthy to have needs, & you should never feel guilty for taking up space in a relationship.  You deserve to be heard, validated, & supported. 

About Continually Incompetent People

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to conveniently forget how to do certain tasks?  They claim ignorance & helplessness, leaving you to pick up the slack.  These individuals are often covert narcissists.  Whether or not they are narcissists, they are using a manipulation tactic.  It is essential to recognize such behavior & protect ourselves from falling into their trap, so today we’ll discuss ways to do just that.

Covert narcissists are skilled at masking their true intentions behind a facade of vulnerability & helplessness.  They often pretend not to know how to do something, creating an opportunity for others to step in & take charge.  By doing so, they not only avoid tasks they don’t want to do, but they also gain a sense of power & control over those who willingly take on the responsibilities where they feign incompetence. 

One of my friends aptly described this behavior as “weaponized incompetence.”  It is a form of manipulation that capitalizes on others’ willingness to help & serve.  By making others believe they lack the necessary skills or knowledge, covert narcissists can manipulate them into doing their bidding. 

Covert narcissists are adept at playing the victim, & weaponized incompetence is one of their most effective strategies.  They use it to exploit the compassion & empathy most people possess.  This tactic typically unfolds in three distinct phases: feigned ignorance, manipulation, & reinforcement.

Firstly, the covert narcissist will pretend not to know how to perform a specific task or solve a problem.  They may act helpless, seeking assistance from others who possess the necessary skills.  This initial display of incompetence is carefully calculated to elicit sympathy & draw people into their web of manipulation.

Once they have successfully roped someone into helping, the covert narcissist proceeds to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  They may offer half hearted attempts at learning or make excuses for their incompetence.  This manipulation aims to shift the responsibility entirely onto the willing helper, making them feel indispensable & fostering a sense of obligation to continue assisting the narcissist in the future.

Lastly, the covert narcissist reinforces this behavior through positive reinforcement.  They shower the willing helper with praise & gratitude, further cementing their role as the reliable problem solver.  By doing so, the narcissist ensures that the helper remains under their control, ready to step in whenever they feign incompetence again.

It is so crucial to be aware of manipulative tactics such as weaponized incompetence.  Recognizing this behavior enables us to protect ourselves from being manipulated & controlled.  Following are some strategies to help safeguard against falling into the trap:

Trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, listen to your feeling.  Covert narcissists try to exploit kindness, so be vigilant & trust your instincts when something doesn’t seem right.

Set & enforce strict boundaries: Covert narcissists thrive on blurring boundaries & taking advantage of others.  By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from being manipulated & ensure your resources are used wisely.

Develop discernment: Cultivate discernment through prayer, self reflection, & seeking input from wise people.  Understanding the difference between genuine need & manipulative behavior is crucial in avoiding being controlled in this way.

Practice self care: Prioritize self care & nurture your own well being.  Covert narcissists feed off the energy & attention of others.  By taking care of yourself, you gain the wisdom & strength to recognize & resist their manipulative tactics.

It is so important to maintain integrity & discernment, ensuring that kindness & willingness to help are not exploited by those who seek to control & manipulate.  Remember, God calls us to serve & love one another genuinely, but that does not mean we should tolerate anyone using us.  

Ways To Build A Closer More Loving Marriage: Tips For Husbands

Women are often given plenty of advice on how to be a loving wife & how to support our husbands.  However, there seems to be a lack of guidance when it comes to being a loving, supportive husband.  I thought today would be a good day to explore some practical ways to help men create a more loving marriage that brings joy to both husbands & their wives.

Ephesians 5:25-33 says that it is a husband’s responsibility to love & cherish your wives.  Yet, it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of life & put such things on the back burner.  This shouldn’t be!  There are some simple things men can do to show their wives that they are loved & cherished

One of the most important things you can do is making sure your wives feel like a top priority.  As Christians, God naturally should be first, but after Him, your wives should be your top priority.  One way to do this is to pray for & with your wife.  This is a powerful way to connect spiritually & emotionally.  It shows that you care deeply about her well being & are committed to walking together in faith.

In addition to prayer, it’s also important to let your wives know that they are always on your minds.  Simple gestures such as sending a text or making a quick call during the day when you are apart can go a long way in making her feel loved & appreciated.  These small acts of thoughtfulness show that you value her presence in your life & that she is always in your thoughts.

Your wife also needs to know that you do not expect perfection from her.  Marriage is a journey of growth & learning, & it is vital to create an environment where both people feel safe to be themselves.  By reassuring her that you accept & love her unconditionally, flaws & all, you foster an atmosphere of trust & understanding.

Acts of love & thoughtfulness can strengthen the bond between husband & wife.  Surprise your wife with small, meaningful gifts just because.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant; a heartfelt note, a flower, or her favorite treat can make her day.  These gestures remind her that she is cherished & that you are always thinking of her.

Another way to show love & support is by taking an active role in household chores.  It is unfair for all the responsibilities to fall on your wife’s shoulders.  Regularly ask what you can do or even take the initiative to pitch in without being asked.  If she’s been the primary one to do chores, then ask her how she wants you to do things.  She has experience in this area, so trust that she knows best how to maintain your home.

An open & safe space for communication is so important in marriage.  Share your thoughts, dreams, & concerns with your wife & encourage her to share hers with you.  By allowing each other into your inner worlds, you strengthen the emotional connection & gain a deeper understanding of each other.  Actively listening & engaging in meaningful conversations will make your wife feel valued & loved.

As husbands, you always should have your wives’ backs.  Defend & protect her against anyone who is critical or disrespectful, including family members.  Show unwavering support, both privately & publicly.  By doing this, you increase her trust & let your wife know that you are her biggest advocate & ally.

Lastly, never stop wooing your wife.  Just because you are married doesn’t mean romance should fade away.  Continue to surprise her, plan date nights, & find ways to keep the spark alive in your relationship.  Small gestures like leaving love notes, planning surprise outings, or even a small but meaningful gift reminds her of your love.  If you aren’t sure how to do this, watch how Gomez treated Morticia in the Adaams family movies.  Clearly he adored his wife & showed it at any opportunity.

By making a conscious effort to be a loving husband, you can create a closer & more loving relationship with your wife.  Remember, showing love is not something to be checked off a to do list, but a continuous display of your love & commitment.  With God’s help, you can cultivate a marriage that flourishes & brings joy to both you & your wife.

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

An Easy & Biblical Way To Identify Good From Bad

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you weren’t sure if something was really good or bad?  Maybe you were faced with a decision that seemed harmless at first, but deep down, you had doubts.  It’s in these moments that having a clear filter can be incredibly helpful.  One Scripture that I’ve found to be incredibly helpful is John 10:10.   In the Amplified Bible it says, “The thief comes only in order to steal & kill & destroy.  I came that they may have & enjoy life, & have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”  This Scripture has served me well in distinguishing between what is good & what is bad. 

John 10:10 provides a clear distinction between the intentions of the enemy, Satan, & the purpose of Jesus.  The enemy’s intentions are to steal, kill, & destroy, while Jesus came to give us life in abundance.  By analyzing a situation objectively, we can assess whether it aligns with the life giving purpose of Jesus or if it aligns with the destructive intentions of Satan.

The best example of applying it that comes to mind is my marriage.  My husband’s family always has hated me.  They believe that I “stole” him away from them, kept him from them & that I’m not a suitable wife for him.  However, if you look at our marriage, you can see that it’s brought growth, success, & maturity to both of us.   There is no hint of stealing, killing, or destroying in any capacity.  Although they view it as bad, it truly is not bad. 

Emotions can cloud our judgment & make it difficult to see things objectively.  But looking at things through the lens of John 10:10 helps us to remove personal emotions & biases from a situation.  When evaluating whether something is truly good or bad, it’s so important to set aside emotions & biases.  This is especially true when dealing with personal matters such as relationships, where our emotions easily can influence our perception.

Look again at the case of my marriage.  They believed I had taken my husband away from them, & claimed I treated them badly so they were angry.  However, by looking at the situation without emotion, it’s clear that their perspective is skewed, partly by their anger.  There is no evidence to support their warped beliefs or that our marriage had caused anyone any harm.  I prayed & considered my situation because I wanted to be absolutely certain I was innocent of the accusations. Leaving emotion out of the equation while considering John 10:10 allowed me to see the situation for what it truly was – gaslighting & projection by narcissists.

It’s also essential to look for evidence.  Evidence provides a factual basis for our assessments, which helps separate truth from perception.  In the case of my marriage, there is no evidence my husband or I could find to support the negative claims made by his family.  The only evidence was that our relationship had brought positive changes & growth to us both.  By focusing on the tangible aspects of our marriage, it’s very clear that it’s not bad, even if it doesn’t align with their ideal scenario.

When applying John 10:10 as a filter, never forget to look for evidence that supports or contradicts the intentions described.  Evidence will help you to make informed decisions & avoid being swayed by subjective opinions or emotional responses.

John 10:10 serves as a powerful filter to identify what is truly good or bad in our lives.  By considering it without allowing your emotions or biases to influence you as you examine the evidence, you can navigate through your doubts & uncertainties with greater clarity & confidence.

Life With Chronic Illness Or Pain

Living with a chronic illness or pain is filled with immense loss & challenges.  It is not simply the physical symptoms, but also the profound emotional impact it has on the lack of ability to live a “normal” life.  We lose the freedom to do things we once loved without pain or exhaustion, & with that loss comes grief & mourning for the life we once enjoyed.  Additionally, we find ourselves having to adapt to new limitations, which can be emotionally draining & isolating.  Today, I want to offer some hope & encouragement in the midst of these struggles.

One of the most significant losses that individuals with chronic illness or pain experience is the loss of normalcy.  Before the onset of the condition, we were able to engage in activities without the burden of pain or exhaustion.  We could pursue passions, hobbies, & dreams with vigor & enthusiasm.  However, chronic illness or pain changes everything.  Suddenly, even the simplest tasks become arduous & draining.  The ability to work, socialize, or engage in physical activities may become limited or even impossible, which naturally leads to a profound sense of loss.

With this loss of normalcy comes a deep longing for the life that once was.  It is common to grieve over the things we can no longer do & the dreams we had to lose.  The future envisioned is now filled with uncertainty & limitations.  This loss can be especially challenging for individuals who had a strong sense of identity tied to their abilities & achievements.  They struggle the hardest with feelings of inadequacy, as the illness or pain creates a new version of themselves that they have to learn to adapt to.

The loss of normalcy extends beyond physical limitations.  It also impacts our emotional well being.  The constant presence of pain or the challenges of managing a chronic illness leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, & even depression.  The emotional toll of chronic illness or pain is often underestimated & misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. 

Living with a chronic illness or pain is even more challenging when faced with the lack of understanding & empathy from others.  People who have not experienced chronic illness or pain firsthand often fail to comprehend the daily struggles & limitations.  Some question the authenticity of our condition, accusing us of faking or seeking attention.  These accusations are hurtful & invalidating, especially when they come from those close to us.

Furthermore, the impatience of others compounds the challenges we face.  It is common for those with chronic illnesses or pain to have limitations & require accommodations or adjustments.  However, this may frustrate those around us.  They may become impatient with our slower pace, our need for rest & breaks, or our inability to participate in certain activities.  This impatience makes us feel like a burden, further eroding our sense of self worth.

Amidst the losses & challenges of living with chronic illness or pain, finding hope & strength can be a difficult but necessary journey.  As a Christian, I have found solace in my relationship with God.  2 Corinthians 12:9 in the Amplified Bible says, “but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.”  This Scripture reminds me that even in my limitations, I am not alone & that God still can work through me.

While it is natural to grieve over the losses that chronic illness or pain brings, it is also important to remember that our identity is not solely defined by our abilities or achievements.  Our worth as individuals is rooted in our inherent value as children of God.  Through a relationship with God, we can find strength, hope, & purpose in our lives, even in the midst of our limitations.  God’s grace is sufficient for you, & His power is made perfect in your weakness.