Behaviors In Relationships You May Not Know Are Actually Abusive

In any relationship, both parties should feel valued, respected, & supported.  When subtle signs of abuse begin to emerge, it can be challenging to identify them, leading to potential emotional damage. 

One of the fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship is a mutual give-and-take where both individuals’ needs are considered important.  One subtle sign of abuse occurs when one person consistently prioritizes their needs over the other’s, even when they know doing so hurts the other person.  This imbalance leads to feeling neglected & resentment, & can lead to the end of the relationship.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which one person denies their actions or alters reality to make the other person question their perception of events.  This insidious behavior naturally leads to confusion, self doubt, & a sense of powerlessness in the targeted victim.  This distorting the truth undermines the victim’s trust in their own judgment.

Controlling behaviors in a relationship can manifest in subtle ways that may not be immediately apparent.  For instance, a manipulative person may forbid their partner from engaging in activities that do not benefit them or insist on actions that serve their own interests, even knowing the behavior will hurt the victim somehow.  This form of control often is done under the guise of care, making it not appear abusive when it truly is.

Another abusive dynamic often involves constantly changing expectations that leave one person feeling inadequate & insecure.  The manipulator may set unattainable standards or move the goals to ensure that their partner never feels good enough.  This abusive behavior greatly damages a victim’s self esteem.

Criticism, when used constructively, can help people to grow & improve.  However, when criticism becomes a tool for manipulation & control, it has detrimental effects.  An abusive, manipulative person may criticize the other person in the relationship relentlessly while claiming it is attempt to help.

In an abusive relationship, one may find themselves walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their words & actions out of fear of the other’s reactions.  This atmosphere of tension & apprehension stifles communication, breeds anxiety, & erodes self esteem.  The fear of setting off an unpredictable or disproportionate response also leads to emotional suppression & detachment.

Another subtle sign of abuse is when one person consistently minimizes or dismisses the other’s feelings.  By labeling their feelings as oversensitive or irrational, the abuser undermines their validity.  This invalidation will create a sense of isolation & self-doubt in the one whose feelings are being disregarded.

Blame & shame are often used as tools of manipulation in abusive relationships.  The manipulator may shift responsibility onto the other for issues that are not their fault, leading to guilt & self blame.  By shaming the other person for natural emotional responses or perceived shortcomings, the abuser maintains control & diminishes their partner’s confidence.

Affection is a crucial component of a healthy relationship, providing emotional support & intimacy.  However, abusers use affection as a form of manipulation.  They may withhold affection as a punishment for not complying with their desires or overwhelm their partner with affection when they behave in a desired manner.  This conditional display of love undermines genuine emotional connection.

Recognizing the subtle signs of abuse in relationships is imperative for maintaining emotional well being & fostering healthy relationships.  By being aware of subtle abusive behaviors, people can identify potential red flags & take steps to protect themselves. 

The Impact Of Enmeshed Mothers On Men

Enmeshment occurs when a mother fails to establish healthy emotional boundaries with her child.  She treats him more like a partner than her child, expecting him to care for her instead of the other way around.  This toxic & abusive behavior leads to a tremendous amount of dysfunction that continues into adulthood.  Today, we’ll focus on how it affects men specifically.

For men with such mothers, carrying the deep insecurity enmeshment causes becomes the norm, affecting their relationships in profound ways.  Any perceived threat of abandonment terrifies them, & even the slightest criticism wounds them to the core.  As a result, they lash out, pushing people away.  It is vital for men to recognize the truth of their toxic upbringing & acknowledge the abuse inflicted upon them so they can begin the journey towards healing.

Enmeshed mothers use love & affection as a tool for control, leaving their sons in a constant state of uncertainty.  These mothers intertwine their lives with their sons’, blurring the lines between their own identities & those of their children.  This manifests in various ways, such as excessive emotional dependence, over involvement in their sons’ lives, & a lack of boundaries.

Within this suffocating environment, a man’s sense of self becomes intertwined with his mother’s approval & love.  He learns to constantly seek validation from her, never sure if he will receive it.  This insecurity seeps into his relationships, & he does not trust that others genuinely care for him.  The fear of abandonment or rejection becomes consuming.

Enmeshed mothers are extremely manipulative.  She uses guilt or passive aggressive tactics to keep her son close, ensuring he remains dependent on her.  This manipulation makes the son’s insecurity grow, making him increasingly vulnerable to her control.

The insecurity instilled by an enmeshed mother has a profound impact on a man’s ability to form & maintain healthy relationships.  The fear of abandonment & rejection makes his need for constant validation overwhelming.  No one can meet such a need, & when they fail, he becomes disappointed with them. 

Enmeshed mothers naturally hate their son’s wives, viewing them as competition, so they often make matters worse by insulting her to him & treating her very badly.  This  creates problems within the son’s marriage.

Also, any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or how gently said, wounds these men deeply.  They react with anger or defensiveness.  This defensive behavior further distances them from their partners, leading to conflict & emotional withdrawal.

Many partners decide to leave, & the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the man’s belief that he is unworthy of love & incapable of maintaining relationships.

Recognizing the truth about enmeshment is essential for victims of enmeshed mothers.  They need to understand that the shame lies with the mother for the abuse she inflicted, not with the son.  Accepting this truth allows men to shed false guilt & begin their healing.

Prayer is absolutely vital on this journey.  God knows more than any human, & can help victims like no one else can.  He has helped & taught me more than I can describe on my healing journey, & will do the same for anyone!

Seeking therapy can teach men to set & maintain boundaries, establish their own identities, & build a foundation of self worth that is independent of their mothers’ opinions.

Online communities or support groups can help men learn & heal from the abuse as well as find friends who understand. These connections also remind men that they are not alone.  I have a Facebook group called “Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug” with several members who have experienced exactly this situation.

Men who grew up with enmeshed mothers face unique challenges in their relationships due to their abusive upbringing.  However, healing is possible.  There is no shame in admitting the abuse.  The shame lies solely with these toxic mothers.  It is time for these victimized men to reclaim their identities & break free from the chains of enmeshment.

Honoring Abusive Parents Is Possible But Not Always What People Think It Should Be

I have been accused countless times of failing to honor my parents & even hating them because of the topics of my writing.  However, that’s not true.  God has shown me that honoring  parents is very possible, but it is not always what people think it is.  It is about respecting their position in your life, treating them respectfully, wanting the best for them, & appreciating any good in them. 

As a Christian & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I have struggled with this concept for a long time.  Thankfully, God showed me how to honor my parents even after cutting off contact with them.

When we think of honoring our parents, many people associate it with blind obedience & complete submission to their will even as adults with our own lives.  However, this inaccurate view is very harmful, especially in cases of abusive parents.  Honoring parents does not mean tolerating abuse or sacrificing our own well being. 

For me, honoring my parents means acknowledging their role as my parents & recognizing the impact they had on my life, both positive & negative.  It meant accepting that they were flawed individuals who made very poor choices, but they still influenced who I am today. 

Respecting their position in my life also meant setting boundaries & prioritizing my own well being.  It meant recognizing that I deserved to be treated with love, kindness, & respect, just like anyone else.  By doing so, I was able to honor them by encouraging them to treat me better with consequences for my healthy boundaries.

After my parents passed away, I struggled with the idea of honoring their memory.  It felt strange at first to appreciate their positive contributions while acknowledging the pain they caused.  Especially because their deaths brought back so many bad memories.  Honoring their memory did not mean condoning their actions or excusing their abuse.

One way I found to honor my parents was by appreciating the things they taught me.  My father, for example, taught me about cars.  Despite the difficult relationship we had, I still appreciate all he taught me & I love cars.  It was a way of acknowledging his influence on my life while doing something I genuinely enjoyed.

Similarly, my mother taught me to crochet when I was five years old.  Crocheting became a favorite hobby of mine that I still enjoy.  After her passing, I stumbled upon a pretty doily she made & a second that she had started but never finished.  I decided to complete it as a way of honoring her.  It was a bittersweet experience that allowed me to appreciate the skill she gave me & the joy I found in crocheting.  A picture of them is at the bottom of this post.

Honoring parents is a complex & deeply personal journey, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse.  It is possible to redefine honor & respect in a way that prioritizes our own well being while acknowledging the role our parents played in our lives.  Finding ways to appreciate the skills they taught us or engaging in activities they influenced, can be a meaningful way to honor them without compromising our own healing.

“But They Seem So Nice!”

If you ever ended a relationship with a narcissist, only to have others question your decision by saying, “But they seem so nice!”, you’re not alone.  It can be frustrating & disheartening to hear these remarks, especially when you know the truth about the narcissist’s behavior.  Don’t let anyone’s words convince you otherwise.  You have seen their true colors & know what they are capable of, even if others cannot see it.

Narcissists are masters at wearing a “good person” mask in front of others.  They go to great lengths to appear charming, kind, & considerate to those who are not their victims.  By presenting this false image, narcissists ensure their victims’ claims are met with skepticism & doubt.  However, their apparent niceness does not reflect their true nature.  Beneath the surface, they possess the need for power, control, & admiration.

When you think about the narcissist in your life, you may recall moments when they seemed genuinely kind & caring.  Perhaps they showered you with compliments, bought thoughtful gifts, or expressed empathy for your struggles.  These actions were not genuine displays of goodness but calculated moves to manipulate your emotions & keep you under their control.

Narcissists are experts at studying their victims & identifying their vulnerabilities.  Once they gain insight into what makes you tick, they use this knowledge to exploit your weaknesses for their benefit.  They know that by being kind & attentive, they can gain your trust, making it easier for them to manipulate & control you in the long run.

So, when others say, “But they seem so nice!”, remember that they have only witnessed the narcissist’s carefully curated act.  They have not experienced the abuse you endured.  Your firsthand knowledge of the narcissist’s true nature is far more valuable than the opinions of those who have been duped by their facade.

As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have a very unique understanding of narcissists.  You have experienced their toxic behaviors firsthand.  While others see only a charming & charismatic individual, you see the darkness beneath their surface.  You have experienced the pain & turmoil caused by that darkness, & your perspective is valid.

Remember, narcissists are experts at portraying themselves as victims or deflecting blame onto others.  They will attempt to convince those around you that you are the problem, not them.  But you know the truth.  Avoid those who don’t believe & support you.

When dealing with narcissists & the people who have fallen for their “good person” act, setting & enforcing boundaries becomes particularly crucial.  It’s essential to establish clear limits on what you will & will not tolerate in your relationships. 

Building healthy boundaries means saying no to toxic behaviors & people, standing up for yourself, & surrounding yourself with people who respect & appreciate you for who you are.  Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that are full of only with kindness, empathy, & respect.

When others question your decision to end a relationship with a narcissist based on their apparent niceness, don’t let their doubts sway you.  You have seen the truth, & you know the extent of the narcissist’s manipulation & abuse.  Trust your instincts, & believe in your own experiences.  Trust yourself & your own experiences.  Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.  Most importantly, remember that you deserve to be in relationships only with people who treat you with kindness, empathy, & respect.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise – you know the truth, & that is what matters.

Understanding Shame Based Trauma Responses

Shame based trauma means growing up in an environment where every mistake, every flaw, & every aspect of your true self was met with shame & ridicule.  Whether it was through emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, the shame inflicted during formative years leaves a lasting impact on adult lives.  Healing is possible, but it takes some time & learning who we are as children of God. 

Overthinking is a common response to shame based trauma as it becomes a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from any possible abusive reaction.  Constantly analyzing every situation & anticipating potential negative outcomes allows us to stay one step ahead, or so we believe.  However, overthinking is exhausting & detrimental to our mental health.

When we have been shamed for even normal aspects of ourselves such as appearance, personality, or interests, it becomes ingrained in our psyche that we must constantly be on guard.  We second guess our decisions, replay conversations in our minds, & obsess over every detail.  Overthinking becomes a way to avoid potential shame & criticism, but it also keeps us trapped in a cycle of self doubt & anxiety.

To break free from overthinking, it is crucial to challenge shame based beliefs that fuel this response.  Learn to question these beliefs, & ask God to tell you the truth about them, rather than simply accepting them.

Another common response to shame based trauma is over apologizing.  When we have been shamed for the most basic aspects of ourselves, we develop a deep fear of conflict & a desire to avoid further abuse.  Apologizing excessively becomes a way to deescalate situations & minimize the chance for conflict.

However, this constant need to apologize can be detrimental to self esteem.  It reinforces the belief that we are inherently flawed & responsible for the actions of others.  Over apologizing also can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration in our relationships.

To overcome over apologizing, it is essential to recognize that we have a right to take up space, have & express needs, & set boundaries.  Building self confidence & assertiveness skills can help us find a balance between acknowledging our mistakes & taking responsibility, without unnecessarily apologizing for who we are.

Shame based trauma can also impact our ability to trust ourselves & others.  When we have been shamed for not meeting unrealistic expectations or for failing to blindly trust those who hurt & abuse us, we begin to doubt our intuition & judgment.  This leads to being too trusting as a defense mechanism, as we fear the consequences of not trusting others.

Being too trusting leads to further abuse & exploitation.  We find ourselves repeatedly drawn to toxic relationships or falling prey to manipulators & abusers, leading to repeated disappointment & betrayal.

Rebuilding trust in ourselves & others requires healing & learning.  It involves recognizing & validating our own emotions & intuition, setting healthy boundaries, & surrounding ourselves with only safe, supportive & trustworthy people. 

After a lack of healthy bonding to abusive parents, it is natural to experience anxiety in connecting with others.  The innate human desire for connection remains, but the fear of being hurt or rejected becomes deeply ingrained.  This fear can manifest as social anxiety, fear of intimacy, or difficulty forming & maintaining relationships.

When we have been shamed for the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, we may struggle with feelings of unworthiness & a belief that we are inherently unlovable.  This makes it challenging to trust others & reveal our true selves, as we fear being met with further shame & rejection.

Overcoming this anxiety requires self compassion, healing & exposure to safe people.  It is also important to remember that we are not defined by our past experiences & that we have the capacity to form healthy & fulfilling connections.

Shame based trauma responses have a profound impact on our thoughts, behaviors, & relationships.  However, through getting to know who God says we are, self awareness, & healing, we can break free from these patterns & cultivate a life filled with self acceptance, healthy boundaries, & meaningful connections.

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Tips For Managing Narcissistic Family Demands During The Holidays

The holiday season is portrayed as a joyful time filled with love, warmth, & togetherness.  However, for those with a narcissistic family or in-laws, this time of year is incredibly challenging.  Dealing with their demanding & toxic behavior leaves you feeling miserable & overwhelmed.  But there are ways to navigate these toxic situations while maintaining your sanity when you can’t avoid them.

One of the most important steps in managing narcissistic demands during the holidays is establishing & maintaining healthy boundaries.  By doing so, you protect yourself from emotional manipulation & maintain control over your own well being. 

Deciding in advance when you will leave & sticking to it, it enables you to take back control & prevents you from getting swept up in their toxic dynamics by ensuring that you are not staying in an unhealthy environment for too long. 

Narcissists thrive on drama & conflict.  They try to instigate arguments or bring up sensitive topics to get a reaction.  To protect yourself, determine ahead of time which subjects you will not engage in & make it clear that you will not be discussing them.  Change the subject, leave the conversation or whatever you must to avoid discussing those topics.  Remain calm & composed, & you take away their power.  Refusing to show anger or hurt protects your emotional well being & sends a clear message that their attempts to manipulate you will not be successful.

It’s also essential to remember that you have the right to do as you please during the holidays, just like any other adult.  Remind yourself that you have the power to make decisions about how you spend your holidays.  Narcissists try to dictate the schedule or demand your presence at certain events, however, you have the right to prioritize your own well being & happiness.  Remember that their attempts to control the holiday season are just a manifestation of their toxicity, & you do not have to comply.

Narcissists are masters of guilt trips.  They may try to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself or not fulfilling their expectations.  Recognize these guilt trips for what they are: manipulative tactics aimed at controlling your actions & emotions.  Stand firm!    Prioritize your well being & reject their guilt trips. 

Narcissists set up impossible expectations & demand that others meet them, including during the holidays.  Remember that you are not obligated to jump through their hoops.  Instead, focus on creating a holiday season that aligns with your values & brings you joy, no matter what that means to the narcissist.  That is your right!

Narcissists will try to make you feel bad or wrong for not conforming to their expectations.  I was subjected to this repeatedly thanks to my narcissistic in-laws.  One important thing I learned is to remind you are not bad or wrong for choosing a different path from theirs.  Embrace your own values & beliefs, & don’t worry about getting their approval or validation.

In conclusion, by implementing the strategies I mentioned, you can create a holiday season that protects your emotional well being.  Remember, you have the power & the right to take control of your own happiness.

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, is a common & strange phenomenon among victims of ongoing abuse.  It happens when abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, & show their victims random kindnesses.  Those kindnesses seem to prove to victims that their abuser isn’t all bad, & they really do care for their victim.  That thinking bonds the victim to their abuser & makes them more willing to tolerate abuse.

Narcissists are exceptionally good at trauma bonding their victims to them.  It happens very subtly & in gradually increasing stages of toxicity.  Trauma bonding is much like the story of putting a frog in a pot of water.  If the water is boiling when he goes in, he recognizes the danger & hops out immediately.  But, if it’s warm & gradually the temperature increases to boiling, he won’t notice he’s in danger until it’s too late.  I’ve been through this with my narcissistic ex husband & want to share today what I’ve learned about trauma bonds in the hopes of helping others avoiding the same suffering I experienced.

The first stage of trauma is love bombing.  This is when the narcissist showers you with love, praise & adoration.  You can do no wrong.  You are absolutely perfect!  They’ve never known anyone as amazing & perfect as you.  Gifts can be a part of love bombing too.  They give you things they know you like or have mentioned wanting. If you’re having sex, they can’t get enough of you & let you know they want you constantly, making you feel like the most desirable human being ever

Concurrently with love bombing, they earn your trust.  They validate & support you in every imaginable way.  Any struggle you experience, they are on your side 1,000%.  You are always right, other people are always wrong.  They won’t hesitate to defend you to anyone.  They also hang on your every word & want to know all about your dreams, desires, innermost thoughts, fantasies & goals.

After some time, you naturally feel as if you met the person you can’t imagine living without.  Once you’re secure in this relationship, things begin to change.  Nothing drastic of course… just tiny, subtle changes.  Maybe they aren’t as anxious to spend time with you as they had been.  They also begin to be less generous with praise & become a bit critical.  They may begin to ask more of you too.  Relationships change over time though so it’s easy to chalk up these things to the normal evolution of relationships. 

The more time passes, the more that romantic partner vanishes.  You no longer are the perfect, love of their life.  Instead, you are to blame for everything.  Things that are their fault aren’t their fault, according to them.  They’re your fault.   They also gaslight you into making you believe that they know best about everything, including what is best for you.  Over time, you believe their narrative, not reality & truth.

When this first happens, you fight back, but quickly learn that the only way to experience that loving person at the beginning of the relationship is to give in & stop asking for things like respect & love.  This trains you to settle for narcissistic breadcrumbs, those rare kind gestures, & to be incredibly grateful for them.

This also results in you losing yourself.  You give up those things you once loved to keep this person happy.  Changing your likes, beliefs, & looks seem a small price to pay to be loved like this person once loved you.  You also think if you become what they want you to, they’ll love you like they did at the beginning.

Trauma bonding can result in the body creating something similar to physical addiction.  The constant stress means your stress hormone cortisol level is constantly too high, & looking to activate dopamine to give you that feeling of pleasure.  If that doesn’t happen, something else can happen that I think is more common with covert narcissists.  You feel extremely obligated to this person, & afraid you can’t live without them.  I married my ex not out of love, but out of feeling I owed it to him.

If this describes your relationship, make no mistake, this is an extremely dangerous relationship!  You deserve better than this, & you can survive without this person.  Do yourself a favor & leave as soon as possible!

Problem With Purchasing My Courses SOLVED!

Please don’t ask, I have absolutely no clue what I did that fixed things, but finally, my courses can be purchased online!! (obviously my talents lie in writing not creating websites!) My sincerest apologies for taking so long!

There are only a couple available now but now that my site is working properly, I will get back to work on creating others & writing books. The link is below if you want to check them out. They’re also on sale until the end of the year.

Thank you everyone for your patience & understanding! So sorry for the inconvenience!

https://store.cynthiabaileyrug.com/home/courses/

Setting Boundaries VS Stating Feelings

Human beings are called to love others & show compassion, but it’s also important to recognize our own worth & set boundaries when necessary.  While stating our feelings may help express our emotions, setting boundaries is crucial to protect our well being & maintain healthy relationships. It’s important to know the correct way to set boundaries, so today we will discuss the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries.

When someone says or does something that hurts us, it’s natural to want to express our feelings & let them know how their actions have impacted us.  Stating our feelings allows us to communicate our emotions & helps the other person understand the consequences of their behavior.  For example, we might say, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” By expressing our feelings, we create an opportunity for empathy, understanding, & potentially resolving the issue.

However, stating our feelings alone may not always lead to a change in behavior or a resolution, especially when the person hurting you is a narcissist.  While it is normal to want to express our emotions honestly, it is equally crucial to take it a step further & set clear boundaries, especially with narcissists.

Consider an example where someone consistently speaks disrespectfully.  We might say, “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me.”  While this statement conveys our emotions, it fails to set a boundary that can prevent further harm.  By solely stating our feelings, we leave the door open for the disrespectful behavior to continue.  The other person may not fully comprehend the impact of their words, & if the person is a narcissist, they get a thrill when their victims admit to feeling pain over something they have said or done which means they will continue to engage in that behavior.

Setting boundaries is about clearly defining what is acceptable & what is not.  It also involves stating the consequences if those boundaries are violated.  For instance, in the previous example, instead of merely expressing hurt, a boundary can be set by saying, “If you continue talking to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”  By setting the boundary, we communicate that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable & establish a consequence for crossing that line.

Boundaries empower us to take control of our well being & protect ourselves from harmful situations.  They serve as a guide to others, showing them how we expect to be treated.  Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or mean spirited as some dysfunctional people think.  It’s about valuing ourselves & promoting healthy relationships.

As Christians, setting boundaries is especially important as we strive to love others as ourselves.  Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of boundaries in His interactions.  He set boundaries when necessary, even with His closest disciples, to maintain healthy relationships & support His mission.  Setting boundaries creates an environment where love, respect, & understanding thrive.

Recognizing the difference between stating our feelings & setting boundaries is essential.  While expressing our emotions is a valid & necessary part of communication, setting boundaries ensures that our emotional well being is protected.  It is important to know when to move beyond stating feelings & take appropriate action to establish boundaries.

Every situation is unique, & there is no one-size-fits-all approach to setting boundaries.  The appropriate action may vary depending on the severity of the situation, the dynamics of the relationship, & our personal boundaries.  Trust God, trust your instincts & prioritize your well-being.

As victims of narcissistic abuse, it can be even more challenging to differentiate between stating feelings & setting boundaries.  Narcissistic individuals manipulate & invalidate emotions, making it difficult to express ourselves authentically.  However, by understanding the difference & learning how to set healthy boundaries, we can establish healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, while stating our feelings allows us to express our emotions, setting boundaries correctly is crucial.  As Christians, it is important to love others, but we must also recognize our own worth & establish boundaries when necessary.  By differentiating between stating our feelings & setting boundaries, we can create an environment of respect & understanding.  I encourage you to be brave in expressing your emotions & in setting boundaries, honoring yourself & those around you.

A Subtle Sign Of Control No One Warns You About: Not Being Willing To Work On The Relationship

Imagine being in a relationship, & everything seems perfect at first.  But, as time goes on, you notice your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship or address any problems.  If you mention problems, he or she always starts a fight.  They know their behavior hurts you, yet they refuse to make any changes.  They even make excuses for their actions, deny any wrongdoing, & minimize the harm they’ve caused.  All of these are red flags that indicate someone expects to be in control of the relationship.

This behavior has a significant impact on your emotional well being.  Being in a relationship where your needs are constantly put on the back burner (if they even make it onto the stove at all!) & invalidated is detrimental to your self esteem. 

Instead of addressing issues or concerns, controlling partners sweep problems under the rug, start fights & avoid taking responsibility for their part in any problems.

A partner who consistently avoids working on the relationship works hard to create a situation where they hold all the control.  They dictate the terms of the relationship, & their partner is left feeling powerless & voiceless. 

Their refusal to work on the relationship also leads to unresolved conflict.  Without open communication & a willingness to address problems, the relationship becomes stagnant & filled with tension. 

Another subtle sign of control is when a partner consistently excuses or denies their harmful behavior.  They downplay the impact of their actions, dismissing their partner’s feelings & invalidating their pain.  This gaslighting is extremely manipulative & aims to make a person doubt their own reality.

Excusing or denying their dysfunctional or even abusive behavior allows a partner like this to maintain control over the relationship.  By refusing to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, they avoid taking responsibility & are able to continue their controlling behavior without consequence. Toxic partners want those in relationship with them to believe that having needs means they’re demanding or, “too much”.  However, having needs is normal & healthy in any relationship.  You deserve to have your needs met & to feel validated in your emotions!

In a healthy relationship, both partners should have an equal amount of space & be able to depend on each other.  When someone expects to be in control of the relationship, they want your needs to be on the back burner, prioritize their own desires & expect you to be ok with it. That’s so wrong!

Controlling individuals also want you to believe that depending on another person is a sign of weakness.  They discourage those in relationship with them from seeking support or leaning on them for emotional support as a way to exert their control over the relationship & prevent healthy dependencies.

Humans are made to need & serve each other.  God designed relationships to be a partnership where both individuals rely on each other for support, love, & understanding.  No one, even including parents, children, should come before one’s spouse.

Recognizing when someone is unwilling to work on the relationship, excuses or denies their behavior, minimizes the pain they inflict, & expects others to put their needs on the back burner are all clear indicators that they desire control.  It’s normal & healthy to have needs, & you should never feel guilty for taking up space in a relationship.  You deserve to be heard, validated, & supported. 

About Continually Incompetent People

Have you ever encountered someone who always seems to conveniently forget how to do certain tasks?  They claim ignorance & helplessness, leaving you to pick up the slack.  These individuals are often covert narcissists.  Whether or not they are narcissists, they are using a manipulation tactic.  It is essential to recognize such behavior & protect ourselves from falling into their trap, so today we’ll discuss ways to do just that.

Covert narcissists are skilled at masking their true intentions behind a facade of vulnerability & helplessness.  They often pretend not to know how to do something, creating an opportunity for others to step in & take charge.  By doing so, they not only avoid tasks they don’t want to do, but they also gain a sense of power & control over those who willingly take on the responsibilities where they feign incompetence. 

One of my friends aptly described this behavior as “weaponized incompetence.”  It is a form of manipulation that capitalizes on others’ willingness to help & serve.  By making others believe they lack the necessary skills or knowledge, covert narcissists can manipulate them into doing their bidding. 

Covert narcissists are adept at playing the victim, & weaponized incompetence is one of their most effective strategies.  They use it to exploit the compassion & empathy most people possess.  This tactic typically unfolds in three distinct phases: feigned ignorance, manipulation, & reinforcement.

Firstly, the covert narcissist will pretend not to know how to perform a specific task or solve a problem.  They may act helpless, seeking assistance from others who possess the necessary skills.  This initial display of incompetence is carefully calculated to elicit sympathy & draw people into their web of manipulation.

Once they have successfully roped someone into helping, the covert narcissist proceeds to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  They may offer half hearted attempts at learning or make excuses for their incompetence.  This manipulation aims to shift the responsibility entirely onto the willing helper, making them feel indispensable & fostering a sense of obligation to continue assisting the narcissist in the future.

Lastly, the covert narcissist reinforces this behavior through positive reinforcement.  They shower the willing helper with praise & gratitude, further cementing their role as the reliable problem solver.  By doing so, the narcissist ensures that the helper remains under their control, ready to step in whenever they feign incompetence again.

It is so crucial to be aware of manipulative tactics such as weaponized incompetence.  Recognizing this behavior enables us to protect ourselves from being manipulated & controlled.  Following are some strategies to help safeguard against falling into the trap:

Trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, listen to your feeling.  Covert narcissists try to exploit kindness, so be vigilant & trust your instincts when something doesn’t seem right.

Set & enforce strict boundaries: Covert narcissists thrive on blurring boundaries & taking advantage of others.  By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from being manipulated & ensure your resources are used wisely.

Develop discernment: Cultivate discernment through prayer, self reflection, & seeking input from wise people.  Understanding the difference between genuine need & manipulative behavior is crucial in avoiding being controlled in this way.

Practice self care: Prioritize self care & nurture your own well being.  Covert narcissists feed off the energy & attention of others.  By taking care of yourself, you gain the wisdom & strength to recognize & resist their manipulative tactics.

It is so important to maintain integrity & discernment, ensuring that kindness & willingness to help are not exploited by those who seek to control & manipulate.  Remember, God calls us to serve & love one another genuinely, but that does not mean we should tolerate anyone using us.  

Growing Up With A Raging Parent Does A Lot Of Damage

The fear & uncertainty that come with living with a raging parent have profound effects on a child’s development & outlook on life.  Today we will explore two distinct ways in which these effects can manifest. 

In homes with raging parents, children often learn that their voice holds no weight, leading them to stop speaking freely & trusting others.  They witness their parent’s explosive reactions to the slightest provocation & quickly realize that expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs only results in more anger.  As a result, they become hesitant to open up to anyone, fearing that they will face the same wrath they experience at home.  This silence can manifest in various ways, such as withdrawing from social interactions, avoiding personal conversations, or even muting their own desires & dreams.  They try to avoid their parent & risk upsetting them, so they often spend a lot of time alone in their room. 

Living with a raging parent instills a deep sense of mistrust within a child.  They learn that confiding in their parent during times of need or distress is futile & may even worsen the situation.  This lack of trust can have long lasting effects on their relationships, making it difficult for them to form deep connections or rely on others for assistance.

Furthermore, children living with raging parents often try to shrink themselves, both physically & emotionally, to avoid triggering their parent’s anger.  They learn to walk on eggshells & become hyper-vigilant, always on the lookout for any signs of potential outbursts.  This constant state of tension & fear leads to feelings of anxiety, low self esteem, & a distorted sense of self.  They may become overly submissive, accommodating, & try to be invisible, believing that their only chance at survival lies in appeasing their raging parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some children who grow up with raging parents respond by mirroring the same behavior.  They internalize their parent’s anger & unleash it onto others, including their abusive parents, disregarding the consequences.  These children develop a defiant attitude, believing that fighting back is the only way to regain control & protect themselves from further harm.

Their rebellion may extend beyond their interactions with their parents.  They may seek solace in the company of individuals who share their destructive tendencies, finding comfort in the chaos they create together.  These relationships often perpetuate the cycle of abuse, leaving the child trapped in a web of toxic dynamics & unhealthy coping mechanisms.

For these children, their parent’s rage becomes a catalyst for their own destructive behavior.  They engage in risky activities, challenge authority figures, or act out in school.  This rebellion is an attempt to regain a sense of power & control, even if it comes at the expense of their well-being.

Lastly, some children who grow up with raging parents experience a combination of the two scenarios.  They may appear quiet & submissive for a significant period of time.  However, there comes a breaking point where they can no longer bear the weight of their parent’s anger.  Suddenly, they rebel.

During this rebellious phase, they may seek solace in the wrong crowd, gravitating towards individuals who validate their anger & provide an outlet for their pent up emotions.  These relationships often lead to further harm & reinforce negative patterns of behavior.

This combination effect is a rollercoaster of emotions, swinging between silence & rebellion.  It reflects the internal turmoil that these children experience, torn between their need for safety & their desire to break free from the cycle of abuse.  This was my experience & I can tell you, it is very painful to go through!

Growing up with a raging parent can have profound & lasting effects on a child’s life.  It is crucial to recognize & address these effects to break the cycle of abuse & provide support to those who have endured this suffering. 

The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

Are You Or Your Siblings Narcissists?

Growing up with narcissistic parents leaves lasting scars, often leading to a range of questions & doubts about oneself & the dynamics within the family.  Many adult children of narcissistic parents wonder if they or their siblings are also narcissists.  While this is relatively rare, it does happen, so today I’ll explain some signs to look for. 

First, I think it’s important to know almost everyone with narcissistic parents can display narcissistic tendencies.  That isn’t a sure sign of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather simply a sign of having narcissistic parents.  When someone realizes those tendencies cause pain & problems & makes appropriate changes, clearly they aren’t a full blown narcissist.  If they refuse to make changes in spite of knowing their behavior hurts others, that is a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One of the most obvious signs that you or your siblings might have narcissistic traits is the tendency to mirror your parents’ behavior & opinions.  Parents have a strong influence on children’s beliefs & perspectives, but children rarely behave & think exactly like their parents.  With narcissistic parents, children think & behave almost exactly like their parents.

Narcissistic parents often play favorites among their children, pitting siblings against each other & creating a toxic & competitive atmosphere within the family.  Showing favoritism among siblings & constantly seeking validation from your parents are signs of narcissistic tendencies.

Additionally, after the passing of narcissistic parents, it is not uncommon for one or more siblings to take over special occasions or family traditions, disregarding the desires & needs of the rest of the family.  This is a need for control & dominance which is another red flag of narcissism.

Another sign of narcissism is the tendency to exclude one another from the family loop.  Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, creating divisions & fostering a sense of superiority within the family.  Anyone aligning with parents’ perspectives & purposely excluding siblings from family events or important decisions is displaying signs of narcissism. 

Furthermore, envy & competition among siblings are the normal scenario in families damaged by narcissistic parenting.  Siblings try to make their siblings envy them while envying them, creating a vicious cycle of rivalry & resentment.  This envy leads to petty & entitled behavior that is common among narcissists.

During difficult times, narcissists reveal their true colors.  Instead of offering support & comfort, they are more likely to rub salt in the wounds, relishing in the hardship of their siblings.  This lack of empathy & the willingness to inflict further pain are very clear signs of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic parents gaslight their children, denying any wrongdoing or problems within the family.  Unfortunately, this behavior can be passed down to their offspring, leading to a cycle of denial & abuse.  If you or your siblings find yourselves dismissing or denying the emotional abuse you endured during your upbringing, it is crucial to recognize this is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  It also can be a red flag of narcissism.

Moreover, narcissists align with their narcissistic parents, defending their actions & disregarding the pain & suffering caused by their behavior.  This loyalty to the narcissistic parents while simultaneously complaining about them is a classic sign of narcissism.  It perpetuates a toxic cycle within the family

In conclusion, while it is relatively rare for adult children of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic traits themselves, it does happen.  Recognizing the signs is so important for your mental health.

The Joy of Playing After Childhood Abuse

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, wonder, & carefree play.  It’s a time when we should learn about the world around us, develop friendships, & create lasting memories.  Unfortunately, for those who have experienced abuse during their formative years, the concept of childhood joy feels like a distant dream.  The trauma of abuse steals the opportunity simply to be a child & enjoy simple childhood pleasures.  However, as adults, we have the power to reclaim what was lost.  One way to do this is by reconnecting with the act of playing.

It may feel daunting to embrace playfulness as an adult, especially if we never had the chance to experience it fully as children.  However, by rediscovering the activities we missed out on, we can bring back a sense of childlike wonder & joy into our lives.  Engaging in play as an adult can act as a form of therapy.

When we engage in play, our brains release endorphins, which are neurotransmitters that promote feelings of happiness & well being.  These endorphins can help counteract some of the negative emotions associated with childhood abuse, such as sadness, anger, or fear.  Even a short break from such emotions is a wonderful thing!

One way to reconnect with your inner child is by revisiting the toys & activities you loved as children.  Whether it’s playing with action figures, building blocks, or puzzles, immersing ourselves in these familiar experiences can be incredibly therapeutic.  If you no longer have the toys from our childhood, search for them online or in antique stores. 

While solitary play can be incredibly fulfilling, involving others in our playtime can enhance our relationships & create lasting memories.  Consider inviting your significant other or other loved ones to join in the fun.  This shared experience can deepen connections.  From playing board games to challenging each other in video games, the possibilities for shared play are endless. 

Now that you understand the importance of play in healing, let’s explore activities that can help you reconnect with your inner child & find joy in the present moment.

Remember the sheer delight of blowing bubbles?  The simple act of creating iridescent orbs that float through the air can be incredibly soothing & mesmerizing.  Have fun watching bubbles dance in the sunlight.  Allow yourself to be fully present in this moment.

Cartoons & movies have a unique ability to transport you to another world.  Set aside some time to indulge in your favorite childhood cartoons or discover new ones that spark joy.  Immerse yourself in the colorful worlds, & grab some popcorn. 

Dressing up allows you to step into different roles & explore your creativity.  Raid your wardrobe or visit a thrift store to find costumes & accessories that resonate with your inner child.  Let your imagination run wild.  Feel the joy of embracing a different persona & allow yourself to escape into a world of make believe.

Stephen King calls books, “A uniquely portable magic,” & I agree with him.  Revisit the stories that captivated you as a child & allow yourself to get lost in them once again.  Collect those special books.  I collect the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I loved as a child, & reading them always brings me joy.

While childhood abuse may have robbed you of the joy & innocence of being a child, you have the power to reclaim what was lost & heal our wounded inner selves.  By embracing playfulness as adults, you can reconnect with your inner child & find solace, healing, & joy in the activities we missed out on.  Approach play with a sense of curiosity, wonder, & let go of our adult worries.  So, dust off your toys, & open your heart to play.

“What Do You Do All Day?”

When I was nineteen, I strained my back at work one day.  Nothing terrible, just quite uncomfortable & I needed to rest it.  About two months later, I moved back in with my parents.  The forth evening, my mother & I got into a physical fight during which she threw me into a wall.  As a result, I had a lot of back pain.  Most people thought I was faking the pain to get out of work.  One doctor specifically asked me if I could work.  I said I couldn’t.  Yet, I later learned he wrote in my record that I said I had no problems working.  Another told me I couldn’t have back problems because I was “too young” for that.  Many people I knew also believed I was faking my injury.  They said more snide comments about me being lazy than I can remember, although mostly those comments came from my mother.

I learned a lot during the ten years I suffered with this pain.  One thing I learned was that when you are of working age but aren’t in school or in an office full time, people think you have nothing to do with your time.  If your time is consumed with trying to survive with chronic pain or raising a family, if you aren’t working at a job, you clearly have nothing to do.  Even those who work at home aren’t immune to this ridiculous mindset.  I not only work at home but have physical & mental disabilities.  I have spoken with many people who think I have tons of free time.  Since I’m home all day, I must have nothing to do according to them. 

Many of these people who assume that not working outside the home equals laziness are exceptionally rude about that foolish assumption & ask the question, “What do you do all day anyway?”

Coming from a background of narcissistic abuse, I believed I had no right to boundaries or privacy, so I had to explain anything people wanted to know about me. I also grew up with a mother who accused me of being lazy constantly. This means no matter who asked me that question or how rude they were about it, I would answer them. When asked what I did all day, I tried hard to make sure they knew I was productive at all times.  I learned quickly this was a big mistake.

A person who has the audacity to ask someone what they do with their personal time isn’t looking for information.  They are judging, period, & looking for things that validate their judgment.  If you say you spend a lot of time resting, they don’t view that as taking care of yourself.  That translates to lazy to people like this.  If you don’t hold down a full time job outside the home because you’re raising a child, there is no reason for you to stay home & you’re just lazy, according to them.  If you have more than one child, you’re not only lazy but irresponsible & have children just so you don’t have to work.  If you’re in a serious relationship & your significant other is the only breadwinner, your in-laws in particular can view your so called laziness as proof that you are using your significant other, & you aren’t good enough to be a part of their family. 

If you are in the position of staying home rather than working outside it for whatever reason, I just want you to know that you owe no one an explanation of “what you do all day.”  Your time is yours, not theirs so it’s not their business.  They aren’t paying your bills either, so again, it’s not their business.

Also if anyone thinks you’re lazy because you’re unable to work due to chronic illness or pain, God is NOT happy with them.  I know this because I’ve seen it first hand.  Six years after my mother threw me into that wall, she began developing back problems that turned into spinal arthritis, spinal stenosis, sciatica pain & bulging disks.  She could barely walk by the time she died twenty three years later.  Also, I didn’t even believe her pain was real until I found her X rays after she died.  She clearly used any health problems to get attention so identifying real from fake pain was impossible.  I refused to do much to help her because I honestly thought she was faking it.  Galatians 6:7 says whatever a person sows is what he reaps, & my mother’s case is proof of that.  I have heard many similar stories of people who judged & criticized people for not working who ended up with the same or even worse disabilities. 

If you are one of the so called lazy people like me who doesn’t work outside the home, please remember to take good care of yourself, including ignoring those who ask you what you do all day.  I know you’re not lazy.  God knows it.  What stupid, judgmental people think isn’t important!

A Common Dynamic In Narcissistic Families: Fear Of Facing The Truth

In narcissistic families, the blame is never placed on the abusive narcissistic parents, but on innocent victims.  This often leads to the selection of a scapegoat, someone who becomes the target of all the family’s frustrations & dysfunctions.  Surprisingly, it is not only the narcissists themselves who choose the scapegoat, but sometimes victims do it as well.  They may prefer to blame a sibling because their parent was not as abusive to them, or they point fingers at someone who married into the family, but they don’t blame the abusive parent.  This blame shifting only perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

As difficult as it may be, it is crucial to face the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists.  In doing so, we can free ourselves from their manipulation & begin the journey towards healing.  As John 8:32 in the New Living Translation says, “And you will know the truth, & the truth will set you free.”

Within narcissistic families, the scapegoat plays a pivotal role in maintaining the dysfunctional dynamic.  They are the ones who bear the brunt of the emotional & psychological abuse, constantly being blamed for the family’s problems.  This role is not assigned randomly or carelessly.  It is carefully chosen by the narcissist & supported by other family members.

By designating a scapegoat, a diversion is created that deflects attention from the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  The family then believes that all their troubles stem from this one individual, thus absolving the narcissist of any responsibility.  Unfortunately, the scapegoat is left to shoulder the burden of both their own pain & the family’s dysfunction.

In spite of the abuse that comes at them from the entire family, scapegoats are often compassionate, sensitive individuals who threaten the narcissist’s control & expose their true nature.  This threatens the narcissist’s ego, leading them to vilify the scapegoat.

I firmly believe this behavior arises from a place of fear & self preservation.  Victims believe that by shifting the blame onto someone else, they don’t have to face the fact that their parents are abusive monsters, & they believe that they can escape the wrath of the narcissist.

For example, one sibling may have been abused less than another.  The one abused more may blame the one abused less for manipulating their parents into treating them better or even “spoiling” them rather than face the fact their parents shouldn’t have abused either of them.

Blaming someone who married into the family is another common tactic used by victims.  They view the newcomer as an outsider, an easy target to blame for the family dysfunction.  By doing so, they are protecting their narcissistic parents by diverting all negative attention onto this person & off their parents’ behavior.  However, this dysfunctional behavior only prolongs their suffering & enables the narcissist to maintain their control.

While it may seem daunting, facing the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists is crucial.  Acknowledging the reality of the abuse & understanding the dynamics at play empowers victims to heal, learn & grow.

When we confront the truth, we reclaim our power, taking it back from narcissists, & begin the process of healing.  We no longer waste our energy trying to excuse the narcissist’s behavior or protect ourselves from their wrath.  Instead, we focus on our own well being & healing.

Remember, the truth will set you free.  By embracing the truth, we can break free from the chains of the narcissistic family dynamic & embark on a journey of self discovery & personal growth.  It may be a challenging path, but the rewards of reclaiming our lives & finding true happiness are immeasurable.

Being Rejected For Not Tolerating Narcissistic Abuse Is Actually A Blessing In Disguise

Have you ever been rejected by your family & in-laws who despise you simply because you refuse to tolerate narcissistic abuse?  It’s an incredibly challenging & isolating experience.  At first, the rejection may be difficult to accept, but in time, you can realize that this rejection is actually a blessing in disguise.  The people who blindly support & enable narcissists are incredibly dysfunctional & toxic, & their rejection is proof that you are on the right path towards healing & growth.  Losing these individuals from your life opens the door for better people to come in, & with trust in God, you can be certain that He will send good people your way.

As a scapegoat & a victim of narcissistic abuse, I understand just how painful it can be to face rejection from your own family & in-laws.  I want my experience to provide reassurance that you are not alone & that you will survive this experience with grace & dignity. 

When I first experienced the rejection from my family & in-laws for not tolerating their narcissistic abuse, it was so painful & isolating!  The people who were supposed to love & support me turned their backs on me, simply because I refused to accept their toxic behavior.  It showed me that those who blindly support & enable narcissists are themselves dysfunctional & toxic individuals, & more often than not, narcissists themselves.

Over time as I began to reflect on their rejection, I came to understand that their hatred & animosity towards me were not a reflection of my worth or character.  In fact, their rejection was proof that I was on the right path.  People who hate truth & healthy, functional individuals are not the kind of people anyone needs in their lives. 

I also learned that the rejection of such people is not a reflection of anyone’s value as a person.  It’s more a reflection of their envy, insecurity, fear, lack of courage & desire to face truth.  By distancing ourselves from these toxic individuals, we create space for healthier relationships & a more fulfilling life.

During my darkest moments, when I felt completely rejected & alone, I turned to my faith in God.  It was at this time I found Psalm 68:6 in the Amplified Bible.  The first half of this verse says, “God makes a home for the lonely.”  This verse is so true!  He has sent wonderful people into my life who are healthy, functional, kind, caring & a thousand times better than any one of those who rejected me.  They are my family now, even though we aren’t biologically related.

Remember, you are not alone in your journey.  There are others who have experienced similar rejection & have come out stronger on the other side.  Surround yourself with people who understand & validate your experiences.  Seek out support groups or communities where you can share your story, gain strength, & find solace in the presence of others who have walked the same path.

While the initial rejection & loss of family & in-laws may be painful, it is essential to recognize that it is truly a blessing in disguise.  By removing toxic individuals from our lives, we create space for personal growth, healing, & the opportunity to cultivate healthy relationships.  We are no longer burdened by the constant emotional abuse & manipulation that comes with being in the presence of narcissists & their enablers.

Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by love, respect, & kindness.  Don’t settle for toxic relationships just because they are familiar or because they are so called “family.”  Being related by blood or marriage to someone who thinks they have the right to control you & demand that you tolerate abuse is a nightmare.  Having relationships with people God sends your way is infinitely better!  Have faith in the journey ahead & trust that better people are waiting to come into your life.