Roles Of Children In Dysfunctional Families

When I first started learning about narcissistic abuse, I learned that the children of narcissists were given roles in their family.  Today I want to explain them.

The scapegoat is a common role among children of dysfunctional families.  The scapegoat is the child who is blamed for all of the problems in the family.  The black sheep who doesn’t fit in with the family, the scapegoat is usually the only one willing to face & discuss the truth about the family’s dysfunction.  Rather than recognize the truth in what the scapegoat has to say, dysfunctional families try to shut him or her down & shun this person.  The family feels good about themselves, because in their opinion, they look fantastic in comparison to the scapegoat who is obviously bad, delusional, irrational, oversensitive & more.  The scapegoat is the one who is the most likely to break the pattern of dysfunction & escape the toxicity of their family.  If the scapegoat works on their mental health, they are also likely to be kind, caring people willing to help others & no longer tolerating abuse.  They are the most likely ones to be happy in their lives even without their family.

The golden child is another common role of children from dysfunctional families.  The exact opposite of the scapegoat, golden children can do no wrong.  They often are the oldest in the family, they achieve goals & gain recognition that the family believes prove their family is good & successful.  The golden child also is often very controlling, has a deep fear of failure, is a workaholic, lacks a sense of humor, isn’t likely to have fun & can be narcissistic but at the very least, is quite arrogant.  They love the attention they get in their golden child role.  They also believe that success is measured in their accomplishments or money earned.

Another role among children of dysfunctional families is the lost child.  This child is the one who gets ignored.  They aren’t as “bad” as the scapegoat, but also are clearly not as “good” as the golden child.  They don’t attract much attention with either exceptionally good or bad behavior.  Instead, they fade into the background.  They may try hard to fit in with the rest of their family by mirroring their feelings, beliefs & interests, but they don’t actually feel like this.  The lost child may start out as a golden child or scapegoat, but turn into the lost child if siblings are born after them.  They may be talented & creative people, but don’t share that side of themselves easily, especially without focusing on their healing.

The family clown is another role of children in dysfunctional families. This one acts light hearted, is funny, often jokes around & is quite immature.  The family clown breaks tension with humor, even if it’s not that funny or is inappropriate.  Anything to lighten the mood, avoid the issues of their dysfunctional family or avoid their own pain is fine by them, even if it makes them look bad.  They also use this humor to hide their own pain from others.  They’re also quite slow to do normal things such as move out on their own, they prefer to follow others than lead, they blame others for problems in their family or in their own lives & in many ways, they never grow up unless they focus on their healing.  Then, they finally grow up, build others up & get in touch with their emotions.

There is also the family screw up.  They are similar to the scapegoat.  The family screw up can do nothing right, trying hard yet always failing.  They aren’t to blame for all of the problems in the family, but they are to blame for at least some of them.  They accept this role so completely, that they will self sabotage just to meet their family’s expectations of them.  They are very self sacrificing for their family.  As adults, they expect their spouse & children to be just as self sacrificing for their family.  If they focus on their healing however, they are similar to the scapegoat.  They see the truth & will tell it.

I hope learning about these roles helps you on your healing journey!

If You Allow Your Family To Treat Your Spouse Badly, Stop It!

Imagine marrying the love of your life, the person you want to spend the rest of your days with.  But there’s one problem – your family doesn’t treat your spouse well.  They make snide remarks, ignore their presence, & even criticize their every move. 

Dysfunctional families like to say blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your marriage, your loyalty should lie with your spouse above them.  Allowing your family to mistreat your partner not only betrays your spouse but also creates a huge divide between you because of betraying your partner in this way

Before we dive into the solutions, it’s essential to acknowledge that mistreatment from family members towards your spouse is a serious issue.  Your spouse deserves to feel loved, respected, & valued by the people who are an integral part of your life.  It’s easy to become blind to these behaviors, especially if they have been happening for a long time or if you’ve grown up in an environment where mistreatment was normalized.

However, it’s important to remember that your spouse is not accustomed to this treatment.  They entered your family expecting to be treated with basic common decency, & hopefully love.  By allowing your family to mistreat your spouse, you are abandoning them for the sake of preserving your relationship with your family.  This betrayal erodes trust & creates a wedge between you & your spouse that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

You need to know that when your spouse expresses their hurt over your lack of concern, it is not an overreaction.  It is a normal response to the pain they feel due to your lack of interest.  Their feelings should be taken seriously, & the situation needs to be addressed.

When your family members mistreat your spouse, it’s crucial to recognize that the problem lies with them, not your partner.  Their behaviors are not only immature but also toxic & even narcissistic.  These behaviors are a reflection of their own issues & insecurities, not a reflection of your spouse’s worth.

Some common toxic behaviors include constant criticism, belittling remarks, exclusion from family events or conversations, or outright hostility.  These actions have a profound & negative impact on your spouse.  As their partner, it is your responsibility to protect them from such harm.

If your family members react negatively when you assert the need for respect towards your spouse, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong with them.  Healthy, loving families prioritize the well being of their members & respect the boundaries set by each individual.  Don’t let them sway you from doing what is right for your marriage.

Remember, you chose your spouse – you fell in love with them, committed to building a life together, & vowed to love, support & protect them.  Your family, on the other hand, is a part of your life that you were born into.  Familial relationships never should come at the expense of your spouse’s well being.

Also remember Genesis 2:24.  In the Amplified Bible, it says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It can be difficult to remember with toxic families, but when you get married, you are to create a new family with your spouse.  This means they need to be your first priority after God, not your family.  This means standing up for them, setting clear boundaries with your family, & actively creating a safe & nurturing environment for your marriage.  This may involve having tough conversations with your family members, or even limiting or ending contact with toxic family members who refuse to change their behavior.

Allowing your family to mistreat your spouse is a serious issue that will have lasting consequences on your marriage if it is ignored.  Remember, you chose your spouse, & they deserve to be treated with love, respect, & dignity.  Don’t let your family’s toxic behavior ruin the bond you share with your partner.  Stand up for your spouse, nurture your marriage, & create a happy life together.

The Dynamics Of Abusive Families

Being abused by family members is a horrible & traumatic experience.  It can leave you feeling scared, alone, & confused at best, living with PTSD or C-PTSD at worst.

If you have been abused by a family member, it’s so important to remember that you are not to blame.  Nothing done to you was your fault!  The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your abuser!  Many families don’t see things that way, however.  They blame the victim & defend the abuser.  It’s so shocking that people you thought cared about you attack you rather than offer love & support.  It even can make you wonder if they’re right & you are to blame. 

I want to reassure you today that is absolutely NOT the case!  These people choose to see you as the compliant, victim that you were as a child.  They don’t see you as a capable, intelligent adult.  The reason for this is the cowardice of such people.

Families with at least one abuser are a highly dysfunctional group of people.  Ironically, usually the victim is the most functional, healthy person in the bunch, because they are often the only person willing to discuss the abuse, set boundaries & work on living a healthy life.  Other relatives don’t want any parts of this.  If they admit one of their relatives is an abusive monster, it shatters their delusions that the family member they love isn’t as wonderful as they thought.  It’s hard to deal with learning someone you think highly of is a horrible person, & cowardly people avoid that.

Another problem many people in these dysfunctional families have with recognizing a relative is abusive is it shatters the delusion they have of their family being wonderful or even perfect.  They have created this façade of being just one big happy family, & admitting one of them is a monster would be undeniable proof that their family isn’t so great.

People like this often have been abused either by the same relative who abused you or a different relative, & are too afraid of their pain to deal with it in a healthy way.  Instead, they deny any abuse ever took place, & not only in their life, but in other people’s lives.  If they can normalize abuse, then what happened to them was ok.  Often, people like this feel shame for what was done to them, & convincing themselves that what happened was ok also proves to them that they are ok.

Older family members in such families are the ones expected to protect the children.  When they fail to do so, there is a lot of guilt involved, whether or not they realize it.  If they can deny abuse happened or find a way to blame the victim, they are absolved of any guilt in their mind. 

Abusers find ways to blame victims.  In the dysfunctional family setting, doing this makes it acceptable to abuse the victim.  Anyone & everyone can treat the victim however badly they want to, because it’s ok.  That victim then becomes the scapegoat for all of the family problems.  This works out well for the family because they don’t have to change, do any self reflection or improvements.

If you’re in this situation, my heart truly goes out to you!  I know the pain & frustration of this since I have lived it myself.  You’re not alone!  My Facebook group is full of caring, supportive people who have experienced this type of behavior.  You’re welcome to join if you like! 

It also helps to remember that you’re not crazy or to blame for any of this.  If you’re struggling to do that, the best piece of advice I know to give you is pray.  God will help ground you & show you the truth.  He’s done it with me countless times & will be glad to do it for you too. 

What Happens When You Cut Family Out of Your Life

The abuse inflicted by narcissist family members is extremely cruel, insidious & manipulative.  Narcissistic parents, siblings & other relatives engage in manipulation, gaslighting, & control tactics that leave their victims, their own family members, questioning their own worth & sanity.  The prolonged exposure to such abuse will erode one’s sense of self & lead to a deep longing for escape.

Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of hope & disappointment, desperately clinging to the belief that their family will change.  However, as the abuse continues, they come to the heartbreaking realization that they must prioritize their own well being & break free from the toxic cycle.

Deciding to go no contact with one’s narcissistic family member is intensely challenging & painful, no matter how cruel they may have been.  Deep down, there is a profound recognition that they are still your family, blood relatives who are meant to be an fundamental part of your life forever.  It takes a long time & a multitude of abuses to reach the point where severing ties with your own flesh & blood seems like the best option.  Even then, it requires immense courage to follow through with that decision.

Then there is the challenge of the best way to sever ties.  Talk to them face to face?  Call them?  Write a letter?  Email?  Text?  Or simply walk away, blocking all of their access to you?

Once you take this step & sever all ties, there is also the problem of other relatives either trying to force you to return to the relationship or spewing their hatred of you for treating the narcissist so cruelly.  This is why so many who go no contact with a narcissistic family member also end up losing most if not all of their other family members.

Contrary to popular belief, there also is a great deal of grief that follows the act of cutting family out of one’s life, & often, that grief can be excruciating.  While there is liberation from the abuse, the pain of losing someone you once loved is indescribable.  It’s similar yet different to losing someone to death.  When losing someone to death, there is finality.  Also when someone you love dies, if the relationship was good, although the grief is painful, it isn’t really complicated.  It boils down to you missing someone you love.  Painful of course, but it can be dealt with over time until you reach the point of learning to live without that person’s loving presence in your life. 

When you go no contact with your abusive family member, it involves a very complex mix of emotions that can leave people feeling conflicted, guilty, & lonely.  There is no finality because the family member is still alive.  Yet, you are unable to be with them because of their toxicity.  If you leave near one another, there is also the chance of seeing them at the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant or other public places unexpectedly, which can be extremely shocking & upsetting.

Many people who have not been in this situation fail to recognize these things though. They seem to assume since you chose to end the relationship, you won’t feel sad about doing it.  It’s similar to a couple who gets divorced.  Usually the one who initiated the divorce receives minimal if any support while the one whose idea the divorce was not gets a great deal of support.  It can be hard to find someone who understands how painful it is to end a relationship with an abusive family member who hasn’t ended a relationship with their own abusive family member.

If this describes your situation, please know you’re not alone!  I have been through it, as have countless other people I have spoken to.  There are people out there who understand, will support you & who will pray with & for you.  I have a Facebook group called Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug full of such people.  You’re very welcome to check it out if you like.  If not, there are many other similar groups online & a quick search should reveal plenty of them.  Good support can help you to get through this painful time.  Even more importantly though, God can help you get through & will be glad to do so.  He certainly did me & many others I know personally & have spoken with on this topic.  Pray.. tell Him how you feel & ask Him to comfort & help you.  He absolutely will!

Not Always “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” For Everyone

December is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, a month filled with joy, love, & festivities.  However, for some, it can be a challenging time.  In December 2014, I posted this comment on Facebook:

“December is a kinda rough month for me. We’ve lost five kitties over the years during the month of December, plus my beautiful Jasmine had her first stroke on Christmas day in 2009.  Yet another reason I don’t like that day.  It’s hard not to get overwhelmed with the sadness sometimes, but thinking about them today, in spite of how painful it is missing those wonderful, beautiful babies, I am so incredibly grateful they were a part of my life.  Bubba, Bob, Vincent, Delta & Doofus were 5 of the sweetest, funniest, most stubborn quirky & awesome kitties I could’ve ever asked for.  I truly have been blessed with some amazing furbabies, past & present.”

Little did I know that one awful cousin would attack my “negativity”, even though I still don’t find that post terribly negative.  Immediately after I posted this, she posted about too much negativity on Facebook & people need to lighten up because it’s Christmas.  I knew this was directed at me because she was already mad at me for not attending her Christmas party.  When my post showed up in my Facebook memories recently, it made me realize the importance of acknowledging that not everyone feels the same overwhelming joy during this season, that it’s perfectly alright to not be bubbling over with holiday cheer, & that we should not let anyone make us feel otherwise.

Christmas is often portrayed as a time of happiness & celebration, where everyone is expected to be filled with joy.  However, life doesn’t always align with these expectations.  December can be a challenging month for more people than you realize.  Bad experiences or losses can magnify during this time, making it difficult to embrace the festive spirit.  Some may be missing loved ones who are no longer with them, while others may be stuck dealing with dysfunctional family or in-laws instead of spending time with those they love most.  Feeling less than ecstatic because of such things during the holidays doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.  We are all unique individuals with different circumstances & emotions, & it’s important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we truly feel.

The pressure to be cheerful during the holiday season can be overwhelming & can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.  It’s important to remember that it’s ok not to be ok, & that our emotions are valid.  We should not let expectations or dysfunctional people who try to dictate our feelings make us feel anything other than what we truly feel.

It’s important to remember that the holiday season can bring up a wide range of emotions & some aren’t positive ones.  By sharing our experiences, we give others permission to feel their emotions authentically & remind them that they are not alone in their struggles.

During a time that can be emotionally challenging, it’s crucial to prioritize self care & compassion.  This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or guilt.  It means taking the time to engage in activities that bring comfort & joy, even if they deviate from traditional holiday customs.  This can involve setting boundaries with family members, celebrating on a day other than the one the holiday falls on or refusing to celebrate at all. 

For those who do try to shame those who aren’t filled with the joy of the season, try instead to extend compassion to others who may not be feeling the overwhelming joy you feel.  Instead of judging or pressuring them to conform, creating a space of understanding & acceptance will go much further, & foster healthy relationships based on love & respect.

It’s important to remember that not everyone experiences overwhelming joy during the holidays.  It’s ok to feel differently, to acknowledge & validate all emotions, & to prioritize self care & compassion.  Don’t allow societal pressures or other people close to you to dictate how you should feel during the holiday season.  Remember, you are ok, & your emotions are valid.

Tips For Managing Narcissistic Family Demands During The Holidays

The holiday season is portrayed as a joyful time filled with love, warmth, & togetherness.  However, for those with a narcissistic family or in-laws, this time of year is incredibly challenging.  Dealing with their demanding & toxic behavior leaves you feeling miserable & overwhelmed.  But there are ways to navigate these toxic situations while maintaining your sanity when you can’t avoid them.

One of the most important steps in managing narcissistic demands during the holidays is establishing & maintaining healthy boundaries.  By doing so, you protect yourself from emotional manipulation & maintain control over your own well being. 

Deciding in advance when you will leave & sticking to it, it enables you to take back control & prevents you from getting swept up in their toxic dynamics by ensuring that you are not staying in an unhealthy environment for too long. 

Narcissists thrive on drama & conflict.  They try to instigate arguments or bring up sensitive topics to get a reaction.  To protect yourself, determine ahead of time which subjects you will not engage in & make it clear that you will not be discussing them.  Change the subject, leave the conversation or whatever you must to avoid discussing those topics.  Remain calm & composed, & you take away their power.  Refusing to show anger or hurt protects your emotional well being & sends a clear message that their attempts to manipulate you will not be successful.

It’s also essential to remember that you have the right to do as you please during the holidays, just like any other adult.  Remind yourself that you have the power to make decisions about how you spend your holidays.  Narcissists try to dictate the schedule or demand your presence at certain events, however, you have the right to prioritize your own well being & happiness.  Remember that their attempts to control the holiday season are just a manifestation of their toxicity, & you do not have to comply.

Narcissists are masters of guilt trips.  They may try to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself or not fulfilling their expectations.  Recognize these guilt trips for what they are: manipulative tactics aimed at controlling your actions & emotions.  Stand firm!    Prioritize your well being & reject their guilt trips. 

Narcissists set up impossible expectations & demand that others meet them, including during the holidays.  Remember that you are not obligated to jump through their hoops.  Instead, focus on creating a holiday season that aligns with your values & brings you joy, no matter what that means to the narcissist.  That is your right!

Narcissists will try to make you feel bad or wrong for not conforming to their expectations.  I was subjected to this repeatedly thanks to my narcissistic in-laws.  One important thing I learned is to remind you are not bad or wrong for choosing a different path from theirs.  Embrace your own values & beliefs, & don’t worry about getting their approval or validation.

In conclusion, by implementing the strategies I mentioned, you can create a holiday season that protects your emotional well being.  Remember, you have the power & the right to take control of your own happiness.

People Who Try To Break Up Marriages Are Treading Dangerous Waters

Marriage is a covenant between a husband & wife, but more importantly, it’s a covenant with God.  Throughout the Bible, we can find numerous passages that emphasize the sanctity of marriage & warn against any attempts to break it apart.  One such passage is Genesis 2:24, which in the Amplified Bible states, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” 

In Hebrews 13:4, it is further emphasized that marriage is to be held in honor by all.  The verse says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”  This Scripture reminds us that God takes marriage seriously & will judge those who disrespect this sacred institution.

Matthew 19:6 is another powerful reminder of God’s design for marriage.  Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  These words from Jesus Himself leave no room for ambiguity.  When a couple enters into marriage, they become one flesh, & it is not for anyone to tear that union apart.

Additionally, in 1 Peter 4:15, it is written, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or a thief, or any sort of criminal [in response to persecution], or as a troublesome meddler interfering in the affairs of others;”  This Verse warns against meddling in the affairs of others, which includes marriages.  It is a clear reminder that we should not interfere in something that does not concern us.  By crossing this line, we’re going against God’s command.

Everyone must be aware of the dangers that come with attempting to break up marriages.  People who do this are going against God’s will, & causing immense pain to the couple involved.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who tries to break up our marriage.

It is also essential to discern the difference between offering support & meddling in someone’s marriage.  We must respect the boundaries & privacy of others.  It is crucial for couples to protect their marriage by establishing clear boundaries & remaining steadfast in their commitment to one another.

We must be vigilant in guarding our marriage against any external influences that could potentially harm it.  This includes staying away from individuals who may try to undermine or interfere in our relationship.  When faced with someone attempting to break up your marriage, it is vital to stay grounded in your faith & trust in God’s guidance.

Marriage is a sacred covenant that deserves our utmost respect & protection.  God takes marriage seriously, & we must honor & preserve this institution.  Those who try to break up marriages not only show a great amount of disrespect to the couple but are also going against God’s will.  It is crucial to stay away from anyone who attempts to interfere in marriage & to support & encourage couples in their journey together. 

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The Subtle Destruction & Evil Of Too Close Families

Some families are so tightly knit that no outsider can penetrate their bond.  They appear loving, supportive, & inseparable.  However, beneath the surface, this seemingly close knit family is a breeding ground for destruction, ensnaring its members in a web of enmeshment.  Enmeshed families are characterized by their inability to create healthy boundaries, resulting in the exclusion of friends, the shunning of spouses, & the deterioration of marriages.  Today’s goal is to explore the insidious nature of enmeshment, its devastating consequences, & how victims of enmeshed families can break free using the teachings of Christianity.

Enmeshment is a phenomenon that can be so subtle that it often goes unnoticed until it has already wreaked havoc on the lives of its victims.  In enmeshed families, the concept of individuality is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining an illusion of being a happy, loving family.  Friends are few & far between, as the family demands all of its members’ time, attention, & loyalty.  This exclusivity leaves virtually no room for personal growth or the cultivation of meaningful relationships outside the family circle.

When individuals marry into an enmeshed family, they quickly realize that their spouse’s loyalty lies first & foremost with their family of origin.  This dysfunctional prioritization often leads to a tumultuous marriage, with the enmeshed spouse consistently choosing their family over their partner.  As a result, the non-enmeshed spouse feels neglected, unimportant, & constantly competing for attention & affection from their enmeshed spouse.

Enmeshment treats adults like children, stripping them of their individuality & independence.  Every decision, big or small, is subject to the approval & control of the enmeshed family.  This dysfunction stifles personal growth & perpetuates a cycle of dependency & emotional manipulation.  Enmeshment thrives on lies like “family always comes first,” & “No one loves you like your family!” which is contrary to the teachings of Christianity.

2 Corinthians 11:14 reminds us that evil can disguise itself, appearing harmless or even beneficial.  Enmeshment, with its veneer of love & togetherness, is a perfect example of this deception.  Like the enemy Jesus described in John 10:10, enmeshment steals, kills, & destroys the very essence of its victims’ identities, independence, & normalcy. 

Victims of enmeshment often suffer in silence, unaware of the sinister nature of their situation.  They grew up believing that their family’s behavior is normal & that their suffering is a result of their own inadequacies.  However, by recognizing the truth & seeking to break free from enmeshment, they can begin to reclaim their lives & experience the abundant, fulfilling life that God intended for them.

In order to escape enmeshment, victims must question the lies that have been ingrained in their minds.  They must challenge those false beliefs, like family always comes first, & replace them with the truth such as God’s love encompasses all relationships & calls for healthy boundaries.  To do these things, it helps to have a close relationship with God, to read your Bible often & to have Godly, supportive friends who encourage, help & pray for & with you.

The teachings of Jesus emphasize the value of individuality, love, & healthy relationships.  By focusing on these principles, victims can find solace, support, & the courage to take the necessary steps towards freedom such as setting healthy boundaries.

It is essential for victims to understand that breaking free from enmeshment is a gradual process.  Healing takes time, patience, & self compassion.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.  I did it, with God’s love, support & guidance.

Enmeshment is a truly sinister force that can disguise itself as love & unity.  Never underestimate its evil.  Its destructive power is evident in lost identities, shattered independence, & fractured marriages it leaves in its wake.  To break free from the clutches of enmeshment, victims must embrace the truth, & draw strength from their faith.  By doing so, they can emerge from the darkness & experience the fullness of life that God intended for them.

For more in depth information, check out my book on enmeshment at the following link…

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

How Narcissistic In-Laws Sabotage Their Relatives’ Marriages

When you marry someone, you not only gain a partner for life but also a new family.  While some in-laws can be a blessing, others can be a curse.  Narcissistic in-laws fall under the latter category, & their behavior always takes a toll on a marriage.  Today we will explore how narcissistic in-laws try to destroy their child’s marriage & the impact they have on that marriage.

For simplicity sake, we will refer to narcissistic parents, but the information also goes for narcissistic sisters or brothers in-law.

Narcissistic in-laws want to be the center of attention, & they will do anything to stay there.  When their child gets married, they feel threatened by the new addition to the family, unless they see that person as someone they can control easily.  They see their child’s spouse as a rival for their attention, & they will do anything in an attempt to get rid of them.  And, they don’t simply want this person gone.  They want it to appear that person was completely to blame for the failure of the marriage.  That way, they have a scapegoat to blame for anything & everything.

One thing narcissistic in-laws do is undermining their child’s spouse.  They will exclude them, belittle them, make negative comments about them, & criticize their actions, thoughts, beliefs, values & feelings.  They may also make false accusations, spread rumors, & do or say anything to tarnish their reputation.

Narcissistic in-laws also create conflict in their child’s marriage.  They meddle in their affairs, offer unsolicited advice, try to control their decisions & try to control the in-law.  They may also pit their child against their spouse.  They do this by treating the spouse poorly when alone with him or her & treating them well when there are others around so the spouse’s stories aren’t believed. They also tell them different stories.  Pitting the couple against each other is done to create confusion & mistrust in the marriage.  By doing this, they create the chaos & drama that they thrive on.

The impact of narcissistic in-laws is almost always devastating.  When someone is constantly belittled & criticized, it leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, & depression.  The constant conflict & drama also causes the couple to argue, lose trust in each other, leading to communication breakdowns, resentment, & often, divorce.

If the couple divorces, this reinforces their delusion of being the perfect family.  By blaming the failure of the marriage on the spouse, they prove to themselves that they can do no wrong.  They see themselves as the innocent victims & their child’s spouse as the villain, which further justifies their behavior in their minds.

Disturbingly, if the child married then divorced someone the narcissistic family approved of, like someone with money or status, no matter how badly they treated the narcissist’s family member, they keep in touch with that person as a way to prove to that person they are on his or her side.  Their relative becomes the scapegoat for the divorce in this scenario.  Narcissists want to align themselves with anyone they think makes them look good, even if it means betraying their own family members.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws is incredibly challenging.  The first step is to pray.  When I began asking God for help in dealing with my narcissistic in-laws, I began to cope better with the situation until I was ready to go no contact with them. 

It’s also essential to set boundaries, communicate them clearly & enforce them. 

It’s crucial to maintain a united front with your spouse if at all possible.  Don’t let the narcissistic in-laws come between you.  Communicate openly & honestly with each other, & support each other no matter what.  If your spouse is unwilling to support you & sides with their family, then take care of yourself & get the support you need from God & supportive friends.

Remember, you have a right to a happy & healthy life & marriage, & to protect yourself & your marriage from narcissistic in-laws.

Are You Or Your Siblings Narcissists?

Growing up with narcissistic parents leaves lasting scars, often leading to a range of questions & doubts about oneself & the dynamics within the family.  Many adult children of narcissistic parents wonder if they or their siblings are also narcissists.  While this is relatively rare, it does happen, so today I’ll explain some signs to look for. 

First, I think it’s important to know almost everyone with narcissistic parents can display narcissistic tendencies.  That isn’t a sure sign of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather simply a sign of having narcissistic parents.  When someone realizes those tendencies cause pain & problems & makes appropriate changes, clearly they aren’t a full blown narcissist.  If they refuse to make changes in spite of knowing their behavior hurts others, that is a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One of the most obvious signs that you or your siblings might have narcissistic traits is the tendency to mirror your parents’ behavior & opinions.  Parents have a strong influence on children’s beliefs & perspectives, but children rarely behave & think exactly like their parents.  With narcissistic parents, children think & behave almost exactly like their parents.

Narcissistic parents often play favorites among their children, pitting siblings against each other & creating a toxic & competitive atmosphere within the family.  Showing favoritism among siblings & constantly seeking validation from your parents are signs of narcissistic tendencies.

Additionally, after the passing of narcissistic parents, it is not uncommon for one or more siblings to take over special occasions or family traditions, disregarding the desires & needs of the rest of the family.  This is a need for control & dominance which is another red flag of narcissism.

Another sign of narcissism is the tendency to exclude one another from the family loop.  Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children, creating divisions & fostering a sense of superiority within the family.  Anyone aligning with parents’ perspectives & purposely excluding siblings from family events or important decisions is displaying signs of narcissism. 

Furthermore, envy & competition among siblings are the normal scenario in families damaged by narcissistic parenting.  Siblings try to make their siblings envy them while envying them, creating a vicious cycle of rivalry & resentment.  This envy leads to petty & entitled behavior that is common among narcissists.

During difficult times, narcissists reveal their true colors.  Instead of offering support & comfort, they are more likely to rub salt in the wounds, relishing in the hardship of their siblings.  This lack of empathy & the willingness to inflict further pain are very clear signs of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic parents gaslight their children, denying any wrongdoing or problems within the family.  Unfortunately, this behavior can be passed down to their offspring, leading to a cycle of denial & abuse.  If you or your siblings find yourselves dismissing or denying the emotional abuse you endured during your upbringing, it is crucial to recognize this is extremely dysfunctional behavior.  It also can be a red flag of narcissism.

Moreover, narcissists align with their narcissistic parents, defending their actions & disregarding the pain & suffering caused by their behavior.  This loyalty to the narcissistic parents while simultaneously complaining about them is a classic sign of narcissism.  It perpetuates a toxic cycle within the family

In conclusion, while it is relatively rare for adult children of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic traits themselves, it does happen.  Recognizing the signs is so important for your mental health.

A Common Dynamic In Narcissistic Families: Fear Of Facing The Truth

In narcissistic families, the blame is never placed on the abusive narcissistic parents, but on innocent victims.  This often leads to the selection of a scapegoat, someone who becomes the target of all the family’s frustrations & dysfunctions.  Surprisingly, it is not only the narcissists themselves who choose the scapegoat, but sometimes victims do it as well.  They may prefer to blame a sibling because their parent was not as abusive to them, or they point fingers at someone who married into the family, but they don’t blame the abusive parent.  This blame shifting only perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

As difficult as it may be, it is crucial to face the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists.  In doing so, we can free ourselves from their manipulation & begin the journey towards healing.  As John 8:32 in the New Living Translation says, “And you will know the truth, & the truth will set you free.”

Within narcissistic families, the scapegoat plays a pivotal role in maintaining the dysfunctional dynamic.  They are the ones who bear the brunt of the emotional & psychological abuse, constantly being blamed for the family’s problems.  This role is not assigned randomly or carelessly.  It is carefully chosen by the narcissist & supported by other family members.

By designating a scapegoat, a diversion is created that deflects attention from the narcissist’s abusive behavior.  The family then believes that all their troubles stem from this one individual, thus absolving the narcissist of any responsibility.  Unfortunately, the scapegoat is left to shoulder the burden of both their own pain & the family’s dysfunction.

In spite of the abuse that comes at them from the entire family, scapegoats are often compassionate, sensitive individuals who threaten the narcissist’s control & expose their true nature.  This threatens the narcissist’s ego, leading them to vilify the scapegoat.

I firmly believe this behavior arises from a place of fear & self preservation.  Victims believe that by shifting the blame onto someone else, they don’t have to face the fact that their parents are abusive monsters, & they believe that they can escape the wrath of the narcissist.

For example, one sibling may have been abused less than another.  The one abused more may blame the one abused less for manipulating their parents into treating them better or even “spoiling” them rather than face the fact their parents shouldn’t have abused either of them.

Blaming someone who married into the family is another common tactic used by victims.  They view the newcomer as an outsider, an easy target to blame for the family dysfunction.  By doing so, they are protecting their narcissistic parents by diverting all negative attention onto this person & off their parents’ behavior.  However, this dysfunctional behavior only prolongs their suffering & enables the narcissist to maintain their control.

While it may seem daunting, facing the truth about the toxic nature of narcissists is crucial.  Acknowledging the reality of the abuse & understanding the dynamics at play empowers victims to heal, learn & grow.

When we confront the truth, we reclaim our power, taking it back from narcissists, & begin the process of healing.  We no longer waste our energy trying to excuse the narcissist’s behavior or protect ourselves from their wrath.  Instead, we focus on our own well being & healing.

Remember, the truth will set you free.  By embracing the truth, we can break free from the chains of the narcissistic family dynamic & embark on a journey of self discovery & personal growth.  It may be a challenging path, but the rewards of reclaiming our lives & finding true happiness are immeasurable.

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About Going No Contact With Narcissistic In-Laws

If you’ve followed any blogs or social media pages about Narcissistic Personality Disorder for any length of time, chances are excellent you’ve seen people telling those in relationships with narcissists, “just go no contact!”

I am all for no contact.  It is often necessary to maintain & protect one’s spiritual, mental, physical & even financial health.  That being said though, it isn’t always so easy. 

No contact is a huge challenge for those of us with narcissistic in-laws.  Even when there isn’t any sort of emotional attachment to them on your end, there is an emotional attachment from your spouse who is (unfortunately) related to these people.  Going no contact can be an easy decision for you because of how awfully they treat your spouse & you, but it’s also hard because the decision affects your spouse.  That means it also can drastically affect your marriage.

Having narcissistic in-laws is a very slippery slope.  Ideally, you & your spouse will be in total agreement, that the in-laws are toxic & narcissistic.  Your spouse will protect & support you.  If you want to sever all ties with the in-laws, your spouse is in full agreement, wanting to do the same.  You both go no contact & heal together.  Sadly though, this is very rarely the case.

Frequently what happens is those with a spouse with narcissistic in-laws are alone in their predicament. The spouse is so accustomed to the dysfunction that they think it is normal.  Your ideas & ideals strike your spouse as totally foreign, & even intolerant.   You are seen as the problem because of this.  This dysfunctional view causes discord & division with you & your spouse. 

I am speaking from experience on this topic because I have been there.  It’s not a good place to be.  It’s miserable, horrid & completely unfair.  Yet, it still happens all of the time because narcissists are so good at skewing the reality of their family members, in particular their children. 

If you’re in this situation, I want to encourage you, because I know you need it. 

You do whatever you know in your heart is right in this situation, even if that means no contact with your in-laws.  It’s not going to be easy, because they most likely will make your spouse pay for your behavior.  Seeing the one you love hurt hurts so much more than anything they can do to you, I know. Although it hurts, it can help your spouse to see their behavior clearer, so in the long run, it can be beneficial.

Always do your best to stay calm when discussing the problem in-laws with our spouse.  Openly displaying your disgust for them will trigger him or her to defend them, which will make your situation worse.  It will push your spouse to them & away from you.

Remember, the truth has a way of making itself known.  It may not happen quickly, but it will happen.  Be patient.  Cling to the truth & don’t let anyone convince you of anything else, even that person you love.  Let your spouse see the truth for himself or herself, even if it takes a long time.  That way, he or she can’t blame you for it, saying you manipulated the situation or anything like that.

Always, ALWAYS ask God for wisdom, to guide your words & your timing on discussing the matter with your spouse & to prevent you from saying things that won’t help the situation.  He knows best what will help your situation.  It just makes sense to lean on Him for the help you need, & He is more than willing to provide that help.

When Narcissistic In-Laws Accuse Their Relative’s Spouse Of Controlling Their Relative

From early in my relationship with my husband, I knew my in-laws didn’t like me.   I also got the feeling they thought I controlled him.   I found out I was right in 2002 when one of my sisters in-law raged at my husband about me “stealing him & keeping him from his family.”   She obviously was also speaking for her sister & mother. I also knew just how ridiculous the accusations were.   They were the controlling women in his life, not me.   I didn’t know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder back then so it didn’t make sense why they thought this way about me.   Eventually I learned their behavior with me was typical of narcissistic in-laws, & many other people were in a similar situation to mine.

Narcissistic in-laws often believe that they are the only ones who have the right to control their relative.  They see themselves as the gatekeepers of their family & will do whatever it takes to maintain their power & control.  When they see their relative’s spouse having any say in their relative’s life, they get extremely offended because they see their control over their relative is threatened.

Narcissistic in-laws often accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative to manipulate the situation.  They know that by accusing the spouse they can create doubt & mistrust within the marriage. 

When accused of being controlling, the spouse often starts to wonder if they are being too controlling.  They usually become even more easy going to prove that the accusation is wrong.  This is exactly what narcissistic in-laws want, because it allows them to maintain their control over their relative.

It’s important to remember that when narcissistic in-laws accuse their relative’s spouse of controlling their relative, it’s not about the spouse at all.  It’s about their own need for control & their fear of losing it.  The accusation is just a tool to maintain their power & manipulate the situation.

These narcissistic in-laws cause plenty of tension & mistrust within the marriage.  Their behavior leads to arguments as the spouse tries to defend themselves & the relative often defends their family to the spouse.

Their behavior also can cause the spouse to distance themselves from their in-laws, which can lead to more tension & conflict.  The narcissistic in-laws see this as a victory, as they have successfully driven a wedge between their relative & spouse.  This further reinforces their belief that they are the only ones who can control their family member.

This accusation also causes the spouse to feel isolated & alone, especially when the relative defends their narcissistic family.  They feel that their relationship with their spouse is threatened.  This leads to feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, & frustration.

If you find yourself in a situation where your narcissistic in-laws are accusing you of controlling your spouse, you can cope with it!  To start with pray, & ask God for guidance.

It’s also important to not react emotionally when dealing with you narcissistic in-laws because any anger from you will reinforce to that family that you are the problem, & you don’t want them to have any more power.  Remembering this accusation isn’t personal or true.  It’s about them wanting control over your spouse.

Give them no personal information.  The less they know about you, the more likely they will lie about you to their relative, & the greater the chances their relative will see their lies.

You also can limit your contact with your in-laws.  This means avoiding family gatherings & limiting phone calls & text messages.  If your spouse disapproves of this, remind them their family has problems you.  Why should you try to have a relationship with them?  It’s ok to prioritize your mental health over your relationship with your in-laws.  I severed ties with my in-laws in 2002, & never regretted it.

If your spouse defends their family & refuses to see anything bad about their behavior, you’re in an especially difficult situation.  Don’t try to convince them of the truth, because that makes them even more protective of their family.  Don’t try forcing them to choose you over their family, because that will make them believe their family is right about you & choose them. 

It’s also important to seek support from safe people who see the truth of this dysfunctional situation, especially if your spouse doesn’t see it.  Neutral people also will help keep you grounded which is so important in such a crazy making situation.

Dealing with narcissistic in-laws who accuse you of controlling your spouse can be a challenging & emotional situation, but you can handle it!

When Family Objects To God’s Calling On Your Life

Family is supposed to be a safe haven, a place where although mistakes are made, everyone loves & supports each other.  They encourage each other to learn & to grow.  Sadly, this isn’t how families always work.  Sometimes, families are abusive & cruel, destroying each other physically, emotionally, spiritually & financially.  Some families are more interested in keeping up the appearance of being a loving family than actually working on being one.  Sometimes, families also put their wants above the will of God for each other’s lives, & people in this position are the ones I want to address today.

God created families to love, teach, support & nurture each other.  Sometimes though even families that do this don’t understand when one relative has a calling on their life that is out of the ordinary.  Their intentions may be good, but they still try to discourage that relative from doing what they know God wants them to do.  Then there are other families like mine.  Their intentions were anything but good when they tried to shame me for writing about the topics I do.  God showed me they did this to keep me from discussing topics that reminded them of their own pain or guilt for not helping me when I was being abused.

Being in such a position where people try so hard to discourage you from doing God’s will for your life can be so hard!  It makes you doubt, wondering if you really did hear God correctly.  It makes you feel embarrassed because people clearly think something is very wrong with you to be doing what you’re doing.  You also can’t help but feel like a fool.  But you know something?  If you keep doing what you know to do, you won’t regret it, & I’ll prove it.

Jesus Himself left His earthly family to pursue His heavenly Father’s will. He said in Luke 2:49, “And He answered, “Why did you have to look for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”  By stepping outside of his family’s expectations, Jesus was able to fulfill His divine purpose on earth.

God called Abraham to leave his family, his country, & his people to follow Him to a land that He would show him.  By leaving the familiar land of his family & stepping out in faith, Abraham was able to establish a covenant with God & become the father of many nations.

Ruth, a Moabite woman, chose to leave her family & homeland to follow her mother-in-law Naomi to Israel.  When she did this, she found favor with Boaz, a Godly man she later married.  Ultimately, Ruth became the great-grandmother of King David & part of the lineage of Jesus Christ.

I also can tell you from personal experience that although writing the topics I write about can be extremely difficult & painful when it forces me to remember my own experiences, it has been an incredible blessing too.  I have met some really wonderful people because of my work, several of which I’m happy to call friends.  I have received many messages from people saying how helpful something I wrote has been for them.  I also have the knowledge that I’m doing God’s will for my life, & that alone is incredibly rewarding,

If you want to do God’s will for your life & your family doesn’t approve, I encourage you to do it anyway!  Prioritize your relationship with God above everything else.  By spending time in prayer, Scripture reading, & worship, we can develop a deeper understanding of God’s will for our lives.  As we grow closer to God, He will guide us in how to navigate our relationships & responsibilities to our families. 

If He requires you to leave your family to do His will, you’re not alone!  You will survive it.  Even though it will hurt, the blessings well outweigh that hurt.  He certainly has done this for many people in the Bible & even with me.  He can do it for you too!

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Being Too Close To Your Family Is Unhealthy

Genesis 2:23-24 in the Amplified Bible says, “Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ²⁴ For this reason, a man shall leave his father & his mother, & shall be joined to his wife; & they shall become one flesh.” These verses show how important it is to grow past the close ties with our family of origin in order to grow up.  Leaving the family’s nest is a vital step in becoming the person God has called us to be.  Today, we will discuss why staying too involved with family can be unhealthy & how to find freedom in God’s will.

It is perfectly normal to love & care for our families.  However, when we are too involved or dependent on them, especially as adults, it can hinder personal & spiritual growth.  Staying too involved with family can lead to unhealthy emotional attachments, unhealthy & unrealistic expectations, stress & strain on all of our relationships.

Additionally, staying too involved with family can prevent us from living our own lives & fulfilling our God-given purpose.  When we prioritize our family’s desires & opinions over what God is calling us to do, we may end up living an unfulfilling life that is not in alignment with our calling.

Finally, being overly involved with our family also hiders our ability to form deep & lasting relationships with other people.  When we are overly focused on our family’s needs, we don’t give ourselves the time or space to develop meaningful relationships systems outside of our family.

When we become more independent from our family, we are able to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, letting Him guide our steps & mold us into the person He created us to be.  We also are able to grow & develop as individuals.  We can explore new interests, engage in personal hobbies, & pursue our passions without feeling tied down by familial expectations.  And, when we establish healthy boundaries with our family, our relationships can improve as family members aren’t so deeply involved in our lives.

We must communicate & enforce our boundaries with family members.  This isn’t always easy, especially if the family members are narcissists, but it’s necessary.  Establishing healthy boundaries is vital.  If your family members are narcissistic, don’t show them any emotion because if you do, they will use that to manipulate you.  Remain calm & firm.  Remind yourself that you have every right to healthy boundaries, & they aren’t harming your relatives, no matter what they might say.  Healthy boundaries are always a very good thing!

Seek support & encouragement from others outside of our family unit.  Connecting with like-minded people can help provide affirmation, guidance, & encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will.  They also can pray for & with you, & they will help to keep you grounded.  All of which will help you to avoid falling back into old, dysfunctional habits. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent adult.  It doesn’t mean you want nothing to do with your family or even hate them.  It simply means you’re a normal person with a normal desire that every single person has. 

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Some Common Signs Of Disrespect In Families

Most people have had to deal with disrespect in our families at some point.  Whether it’s gossiping & sharing private information, a fear of saying no, belittling & criticizing, blaming others for our problems, ridiculing someone for making a mistake, taking advantage of others, clique-like behavior where some are excluded, or giving the silent treatment, disrespect in families obviously can take many forms. It’s not only emotionally damaging to the victims of this abuse, but it can also have long-term effects that may not be immediately apparent.

Today, we’ll explore the various types of disrespect in families & how to handle them.

Note that these behaviors can be signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but even people without the disorder can behave in these ways sometimes.  If you’re unsure if your relatives are narcissists, how you deal with their disrespect will show you.  Narcissists get angry or act like a victim when confronted on their bad behavior.  Healthy people offer genuine apologies & change their behavior.

One of the most common forms of disrespect in families is when one member is too afraid to say no to the requests of another.  This fear of saying no can be rooted in fear of punishment or fear of being rejected, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the person’s autonomy.

Making unreasonable demands is another hallmark of disrespect in families.  When people like this are told no, they become angry, accusatory or use guilt in an attempt to manipulate the other person into doing their will.  The demanding person clearly shows they don’t respect their family member’s time or their other relationships when they behave in this way.

Disrespectful relatives also will take advantage of each other at any opportunity. Not only with unreasonable demands, but with anything. Worse yet is when many do this, they act like they are being good to their relative.

Another common form of disrespect in families is belittling & criticizing.  This can be anything from making snide comments about someone’s appearance or abilities to outright insults.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem, but it can also be a sign of a lack of respect for the other person or even narcissism.

Blaming others for their problems is yet another common form of disrespect in families.  This can be anything from blaming someone for not doing something right to blaming them for something they had no control over.  This type of behavior is often rooted in a lack of accountability & is an obvious sign of a lack of respect for the other person.

Ridiculing someone for making a mistake is another form of disrespect in families. This type of behavior is often rooted in a desire to be seen as superior or to put someone else down in order to make one’s self feel better.  It’s a sign of a lack of respect for the other person & can be damaging to their self-esteem.

If you are the victim of disrespect in your family, it is important to know that there are steps that you can take to address the situation. Here are some tips for dealing with disrespect in families:

• Pray.  Ask God to give you insight into your situation, wisdom on ways to cope & strength & courage to do whatever you need to do.
• Take Care Of Yourself: Before confronting the situation, take care of yourself by finding healthy ways to cope with the situation.  This may include talking to a trusted friend or counselor, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in activities that nurture your mental & physical health.
• Set Boundaries: It is important to set boundaries & make clear what kind of behavior is & is not acceptable.  Communicate these boundaries to those involved & make sure that they are respected.  If they aren’t respected, be prepared to give consequences, such as creating some distance between you & the other person.
• Focus On Solutions: Work together as a family to come up with strategies for addressing the situation & for improving communication & relationships within the family.  If your relative in question is a narcissist, clearly this won’t work since they don’t want solutions.  In that case, focus on finding ways to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

Dealing with disrespect in families can be a difficult & traumatic experience, but it can be done.  You can handle this situation!

Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity

Betrayal is an extremely painful & confusing experience.  The worst part is that it doesn’t come from strangers or acquaintances.  It comes from those closest to you.

Betrayal takes many forms.  Betrayal can mean being unfaithful to your partner or course, but it also can mean lying, hiding information that you need to know, prioritizing someone else over you when it should be the other way around or using or taking advantage of you.  It even can mean defending someone who has wronged you instead of supporting you.  Betrayal is incredibly painful,& no matter what form it takes, it can leave you feeling hurt & confused. That being said, you can heal from the pain of betrayal.

The most important step in healing from betrayal is to seek help from God.  When it comes to betrayal, it can be easy to feel like no one can understand what you are going through.  It is important to remember that God knows & understands every emotion that you are feeling.  He will not judge you for feeling hurt & betrayed, & He will be there to listen & provide comfort when you need it.  You can talk to God about your feelings, & He will provide you with the strength to cope with the betrayal.

It can also help to read God’s Word to receive comfort & guidance. His Word is full of stories of people who have gone through betrayal & have been able to find strength & solace in God. Reading these stories can help you to feel less alone & to understand that God is with you on this journey.

God is the ultimate healer & comforter, & He will be glad to help you to find the strength & courage to heal & to move forward.  Pray & ask God to help you to forgive, to heal, & to find the peace & strength you need to move on when necessary.

When you’ve been betrayed, it’s important to take the time to recognize & process your emotions.  It can be tempting to ignore your feelings or try to rush through them, but that is counter-productive.  Instead, allow yourself to really sit with your emotions, whatever they may be.  Don’t judge or criticize how you feel.  Just accept how you’re feeling & give yourself whatever time you need to fully process your emotions.  If you need to, write about your feelings in a journal, or talk to a trusted friend.

When it comes to processing your emotions, it also can be helpful to remember that it’s ok to be angry.  Anger is a valid emotion & it’s ok to express it in a healthy way.  It’s also ok to cry.  Crying can help to release some of the built-up emotion & tension, & is incredibly healing.

Another important step in healing from betrayal is to re-evaluate the relationship with the person who has betrayed you.  If someone has betrayed you, & then repeated that behavior even after knowing that it has hurt you or betrayed you in a different way, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship.  This can be hard, especially if it’s a close family member or friend, but it’s important to remember that your own wellbeing should always come first.  Always remember – someone who knowingly hurts you, especially repeatedly, doesn’t deserve your love & loyalty.

No matter what form betrayal has taken, it can be incredibly painful & confusing. But, with God’s help & by taking the time to recognize & process your emotions, you can heal & move forward.

Siblings In Narcissistic Families

Although I’m an only child, I’ve talked to many people who have siblings & narcissistic parents.  Their stories are often quite similar.  Following is some of what I have seen in these situations.

There is that one child who is the “good” one who can do no wrong, also known as the golden child.  There is also a scapegoat who receives all the blame for the problems in the family.  There are also some other possible roles for children in this family.  The lost child is the one whose parents mostly ignore them.  The family screw up is similar to the scapegoat in that he or she can do nothing right but they also aren’t necessarily to blame for all problems.  Lastly is the family joker who constantly tries to lighten the mood of the dysfunction with humor. 

Whatever the child’s role, they are all simply trying to survive their environment however works best for them.  The golden child tries to please their narcissistic parents, often by making them look good or even imitating them.  The scapegoat tries to please them until they realize they can’t no matter what they do, & then they usually begin to rebel.  The lost child fades quietly into the background.  The family screw up tries pleasing their parents, even if it means failing to prove the parents are right about how awful they are.  The joker says or does anything, even inappropriate things, when things get too tense in an attempt to diffuse bad situations.  Sometimes, children follow in their narcissistic parents’ footsteps, & become narcissists themselves.  At the very least, they often display some narcissistic tendencies until they realize they dislike that behavior in themselves & make healthy changes.

These children continue their roles into adulthood, unless they understand the truth of their situation.  Usually the first one to recognize the dysfunction is the scapegoat.  Often, they try to get their siblings to see the truth, but are met with shaming, mocking &/or denial.  Scapegoats are also usually the first ones who sever ties with their family members because once they have seen the truth, they can’t return to the toxicity.  The other children bond even closer to their abusive parents & talk badly about the scapegoat when this happens. 

The remaining children, even as adults often with their own children & even grandchildren, remain blindly loyal to their parents.  They won’t hesitate to hurt their spouse, children or grandchildren by keeping their narcissistic parents as their top priority.  Of course, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  After all, they’re just helping out their parents & that certainly can’t be wrong, according to them.  They often are sanctimonious about how much they do for their parents, & judge other siblings for not doing enough.  In their minds, this relationship with their parents proves they are good people & part of a loving, close family. 

Once the narcissistic parents are gone & only their adult children remain, things can get interesting.  Sometimes, they simply go their own ways, losing contact with each other.  Other times, they continue their dysfunctional relationships with each other.  In some ways, it’s almost as if their parents are still alive.  They still see each other as their parents saw them.  Even after their parents have died, they still treat each other as their parents taught them to, basically carrying out their parents’ tradition of abuse.

If this is your situation, please know you’re not alone!  There are so many people with similar stories.  Find some support.  There are online forums that can help.  My Facebook group is full of caring, kind, supportive people with all kinds of experience with narcissistic abuse.  Talking with others with similar stories will help you so much.  Learn all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & healing from narcissistic abuse, too.  Read books & blogs, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  There is a great deal of information out there.  Most of all, never forget to pray.  God wants to help you!  Tell him whatever you’re experiencing & ask for His help to heal & cope.  He will be more than happy to help you!

Signs Someone Is Being Or Has Been Abused

There are abusive people in all walks of life.  Abusers are a part of every race, financial standing, culture, & religion.  As a result, there are also victims in every walk of life.  Chances are excellent that you know someone right now who is being abused, even though that person hasn’t said anything about it.  There are some signs that can help you determine if someone is being abused. 

An exaggerated startle response or flinching are signs of abuse.  Someone who is physically abused naturally flinches easily because they expect to be hit.  A person whose startle response is exaggerated is that way because they are accustomed to being on alert constantly as a way to protect themselves from abuse.

People pleasing is a learned behavior from being abused.  It stems from trying to keep an abuser happy so they don’t hurt the victim.  This people pleasing behavior naturally branches out into other relationships in a victim’s life.

Lack of confidence is common in victims of all types of abuse.  Abusers blame their victims for everything & destroy their self esteem.

Constantly second guessing one’s self is a natural occurrence of someone with abuse in their past or present.  It goes along with the lack of self esteem. 

Distrusting one’s perceptions is a common sign of someone who has been or is being subjected to gaslighting.  Gaslighting makes a person doubt themselves so intensely that they even doubt what they see or hear.  They lose all trust in their perceptions of reality.

Struggling to express emotions is another sign that someone is being abused. Abusers have no tolerance for their victims’ emotions.  They are very shaming when victims show emotions, which teaches victims not to display any emotions.  Even after the abuse has ended & the abuser is out of their lives, many victims struggle with healthy expressions of their emotions for a long time.

Feeling inappropriately responsible for their parents is common among those who were abused by their parents.  While it’s normal to help parents periodically, especially as they get older, it’s not normal to put parents first when they are healthy.  Abusive parents don’t believe this.  They think their wants, feelings, needs, etc. should be their children’s top priority no matter their children’s age.  Failure to do so results in intense suffering for their child, usually in the form of guilt or even shame.  In order to avoid this, children in these situations take on the responsibility of their parents, even at the expense of their marriage & other relationships.

Constantly over explaining stems from having to explain everything about themselves to abusers.  This spills over into other relationships in a victim’s life, & that victim often supplies way too much unnecessary information to other people.

Constantly apologizing also stems from being abused.  Abusers blame their victims for making them angry or even making them abuse their victims.  Victims learn to apologize for anything & everything after experiencing this.

If someone you know expresses these behaviors, it would be a good idea to see if they are being abused.  Ask questions about their life & relationships.  If they are currently being abused, you can help!  Offer to help them find somewhere to move if they live with their abuser or offer them a room in your home.  You can store things they may need when they move out, too, that way the abuser won’t know they have these things.  If they don’t live with their abuser, help them by encouraging them, teaching them about healthy boundaries & Narcissistic Personality Disorder if their abuser sounds like a narcissist.

If this person has abuse in their past, you still can help.  Listen, encourage, pray with & for them.  Show them you care & will help them to heal.

My New Book Is Now Available!

I have just finished publishing my newest book! It’s called, “How Close is Too Close: When Close Families are Dysfunctional” The topic is about enmeshed families/emotional incest. At this moment, the ebook only is available, but the print version will be available very soon too.

I hope you’ll check it out at the link below. It’s a universal link, & will show you all the places the book can be purchased so you can purchase it from your favorite ebook retailer. If you don’t see your favorite retailer, feel free to email me (CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com). I can sell it to you directly after I convert the book into your desired format.

https://books2read.com/u/47VO5E

The Day After Christmas

Even if I didn’t look at the calender, I still would know when Christmas & Mother’s Day are. The days surrounding both holidays are when my blog & site are the busiest. This year has been no different.

I am no exception to struggling this time of year. You can count on less than two hands how many decent Christmases I’ve had in my entire adult life. Making matters worse is the judgmental things people have said to me because I’m not happy about Christmas like most people. They say things like I just need to get over it & be happy, I need to celebrate the birth of Jesus since I’m supposed to be a Christian & more. <sigh> Got a bit of that nonsense this Christmas too, which is what made me think of writing to those of you who also have been on the receiving end of such treatment simply because of your lack of Christmas spirit.

When a person who has survived narcissistic abuse gets to this point of not wanting to celebrate Christmas, there is almost always a plethora of valid reasons for it. Narcissists love ruining things for their victims, & holidays are no exception. After all, the focus MUST be on them, & if it isn’t, they will make their victims’ life a living hell.

I think my situation was quite normal like this. My narcissistic mother in-law had to have Christmas her way. There was no excuse not to do things her way. Only her traditions were allowed & they had to be done only on Christmas day. Not Christmas eve, not the day after. Christmas day, period. This meant those of us who married into this family weren’t to consider spending the day any other way. Even mentioning the possibility was met with anger, disdain & comments like, “You will be here, right?”. This left me with two yukky options. Spend a miserable day with people who hated me or spend it alone while my husband spent it with them. As a result, I stopped celebrating Christmas many years ago. I did try to find ways to celebrate that I enjoyed or do things for my husband the few times he stayed home, but nothing made me like Christmas as I once did. People criticizing me for not being happy about Christmas just added insult to injury.

If you can relate, I just want to let you know it’s not just you! There are plenty of us out there who have lost interest in Christmas thanks to the narcissists in our lives. If you’re beating yourself up for your feelings, please just stop. Feelings show us when something is wrong, but the feelings themselves aren’t wrong. They just are. Honor your feelings. Feel them & process them how you need to.

Also remember, how you feel doesn’t mean you aren’t a “good Christian.” People created negative feelings in you because of their behavior. That has nothing to do with your faith. Your faith is there, whether or not you have or participate in a huge, fancy Christmas celebration. In fact, something I’ve noticed is many people who do have those huge & fancy Christmas celebrations have no real faith in God. They have the celebrations to keep up appearances or simply because that’s what they’ve always done.

It may help you to create new traditions, even ones that don’t celebrate Christmas per se, like going to dinner or watching your favorite movies. Sometimes those new traditions can help break the bad feelings. Sometimes, they don’t though, & you know something? That’s ok too. Not pleasant of course, but it’s ok. You can’t always help how you feel. Sometimes there was too much damage done, & you can’t fix it. Don’t beat yourself up for that & don’t let anyone else do it either! They aren’t you, & they have no right to criticize you for how you feel! Just take good care of yourself! ❤️

If you have read this & disagree with what I have said, please keep your opinions to yourself. Criticizing the feelings & views of those of us in this situation won’t fill us with Christmas spirit. In fact, it only adds to the negative feelings. I’d just as soon spare my readers from that. Also, I’d like to suggest you take a moment to realize how very blessed you are that you weren’t made to feel this way. That truly is a wonderful thing, & I sincerely hope you appreciate that!

Is It Really The Most Wonderful Time Of Year?

The Christmas season is a very difficult time of year for many people with narcissistic families & in-laws.  They make it an over the top, incredibly stressful time with their unrealistic demands & expectations, so it’s no wonder so many people dread this supposed “most wonderful time of year.”  I plan to offer some survival tips today to help you survive a dysfunctional family gathering if you can’t get out of it.

First & foremost, pray.  Ask God to give you strength, wisdom, courage & anything else you can think of that you may need.  Ask Him to guide your words, too.  I can’t stress enough how important prayer is at any time but in particular regarding dealing with narcissists.

Remember you aren’t dealing with normal, functional people.  You’re dealing with people who have unrealistic expectations that no one can possibly meet.  When you let them down, & you will, remind yourself of this.  The inevitable guilt trips & shaming will follow, but if you remember that their expectations are designed so others will fail as a way to hurt & control, it helps you reject the guilt & shaming.

Also remember why this get together is so important.  It’s not about enjoying time together with loved ones & celebrating a special day.  It’s about appearances, & portraying the family as a happy, functional family.  When you see family members getting along well, remember that it’s just an illusion to create narcissistic supply.  Don’t let it suck you in.

Another important thing to remember is narcissists use gifts as one more tool to manipulate & control others.  They may give expensive, extravagant gifts as a way to make the receiver feel indebted to them or make the narcissist appear overly generous, even martyr-like to other people.  They may “forget” to give someone a gift or give an obviously thoughtless gift as a way to make receivers feel that they aren’t worthy of the narcissist’s affections.  Another popular narcissistic motivation is trying to change the receiver.  Rather than give the receiver what they truly want or need, they give that person what they think they should have.  They give clothes in their taste, not the receivers.  They give supplies for a hobby or interest that the receiver has no interest in, but they do.  This happened to me.  I foolishly told my mother in-law I hated to cook a couple of months before Christmas one year.  I knew she & her daughters loved to cook, but naively thought it wasn’t important I didn’t share this quality with them.  For Christmas, my mother in-law & both sisters in-law gave me all kinds of cooking items like food, cookbooks, dishes & utensils.  Clearly this was supposed to spark a newfound love of cooking in me.  It failed, & I threw away or gave away everything.

When a narcissist gives you a gift, you can be sure that one of the motives I just mentioned is in play.  If you can remember that, it helps make receiving their awful gifts a bit easier.  You won’t feel guilty for giving away or throwing out what they gave you when you know the motives behind that gift were bad.

If you are in the unenviable position of being forced to deal with a narcissist around Christmas, prioritize yourself.  Set boundaries & stick to them.  Only spend a couple of hours with the narcissist instead of all day.  Remember the Gray Rock Method.  Keep all conversation superficial & divulge nothing personal.  Change the subject back to the narcissist instead.  They love to talk about themselves, so use this to your advantage!  If you get a terrible gift, show no emotion.  Simply say thank you, then once you have the opportunity, get rid of the terrible gift. 

It won’t be fun but you can survive this situation with your sanity in tact! You can do it!

A Way Dysfunctional Families Try To Keep Everyone Close

Most everyone has had a few moments of feeling paranoid, feeling like other people are out to get them.  Sadly, there are those who feel this way due to mental illness.  Schizophrenia is known to make people feel this way, for example.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can do it as well.  Some folks, however, behave in this manner while having no mental illness. 

Consider cases of couples with a child who are getting divorced.  One parent tells the child the other parent is terrible, doesn’t love them & other awful things.  This parent is vilifying the other to turn the child against him or her, which also naturally draws the child closer to the accusatory parent.  This also sets the child up to have what is known as persecutory delusions.

Another common scenario where persecutory delusions happen involves narcissistic families.  They often want their children to stay close to them forever.  One of the ways they try to accomplish this is by using persecutory delusions.  They tell each other that other people are bad, don’t really care about them, no one loves you like family & other untrue things.  This doesn’t stop in adulthood.  When children of narcissistic families marry, often their parents & siblings have no problem showing their disapproval of their new in-law.  They not only treat this person terribly, they let their feelings be known to their adult child.  These narcissists either insinuate or say clearly that this person isn’t good enough to be in their family.  They find ways to convince the adult child of their feelings, even to the point of blatantly lying about the spouse.  Their lies are often completely outrageous.  As one example from my life, one of my sisters in-law once told my husband I “stole” him & keep him from their family.  Nothing could have been further from the truth, yet she was very convicted when she told him this.  Clearly she was trying to convince my husband that her lies were the truth in an attempt to cause us problems or even get us to split up. 

When one person in a marriage has been subjected to this treatment by their family members that facilitates persecutory delusions, it can be incredibly difficult for both parties in the marriage.  One doesn’t want to believe that their family would lie to them, & may believe their family rather than face the fact they are lying.  The one being lied about is going to be hurt not only by the in-laws, but by their spouse who believes the lies.  Couples in this situation can end up divorced because of such toxic behavior.

If you are in this situation, there is hope!  The best thing I know to do is ask God to reveal the truth.  Whether you are the relative being abused or the spouse, the truth is vital to your situation.

If you are the one in this situation, question everything.  Don’t blindly believe what your family tells you.  Just because they are your family doesn’t mean they know everything or have your best interests at heart.  Often family can be the cruelest to their own.  When they say things to you that make you feel others are out to get you somehow, look for the truth & keep an open mind.  Ask yourself what evidence is there that what this person says is happening?  Look for information that either supports or disproves what they say.  If it helps, write things down.  Make two columns, one for things that prove what they say is accurate & the other for things that prove what they say is inaccurate.  Talk to someone you know who is safe, logical & can be objective.  Sometimes an objective third party can give a new perspective on your situation.  

If you are the spouse, then the best piece of advice I can offer is to love your spouse & live in such a way that they can’t help but know that what their narcissistic family says about you makes absolutely no sense.  This will make them question things their family members say, or ideally not believe them at all.  If they somehow don’t question things, ask your spouse to give examples of when you behaved as the narcissists say you did.  When they can’t come up with anything, that will plant doubt in their mind about the validity of their family’s comments.  Also when discussing this topic, remain as calm as possible.  If you show your anger, your spouse naturally will feel they must defend their family.

You can handle this situation, & you will come out of it stronger & wiser.

It’s Still Abuse If..

Many victims of abuse are quick to deny that they are actually being abused or have been abused.  A woman may defend her husband who beat her up saying she deserved it because she didn’t do something he wanted her to do, or he had too much to drink before he hit her.  A man is even more likely to deny being abused, thanks to the ridiculous attitude society has that women can’t abuse men.  Many men would rather convince themselves it wasn’t abuse than to deal with the disrespect & disdain they will receive if they admit it was. 

Unfortunately such denials are normal for many victims of abuse.  I did it myself.  Growing up, I told myself & others my mother was simply overprotective of me, & my father needed me to take care of him rather than him take care of me.  I was in my late teens when I realized my mother wasn’t simply overprotective, & about thirty years old when I realized my father was abusive.

I thought today it would be a good idea to spell out some facts about abuse that are commonly ignored, minimized or denied to help people to face the truth about abuse in their life.  I know this is a painful thing to face, but it truly is better to face it!  Once you face it, you can start to heal.  The pain you feel at facing the truth is absolutely going to be worth it when you can heal.

It’s still abuse if it wasn’t physical.  Abuse comes in many forms.  Someone can abuse you even if he or she never hit you.  Harsh words, criticisms, intimidation, invalidation, mind games, forcing you to perform sexual acts in spite of you not wanting to, isolating you from friends & family, controlling your money, & twisting Scripture to claim God is angry with you are all examples of abusive behavior that is not physical.

It’s still abuse if your abuser apologized.  Abusers often apologize, claiming they won’t do what they did ever again.  For a while, they don’t.  Things are good.  Suddenly though, once they believe that you are comfortable again, they go back into old patterns.  An apology without genuine efforts to change bad behavior long term is still abuse.

It’s still abuse if your abuser told you they love you.  Abusers claim to love their victim.  Maybe some do on some level, but that doesn’t mean that abusing you is acceptable just because you think this person may love you.

It’s still abuse if your abuser was abused as a child.  The phrase, “hurting people hurt people” is often a lie said by abusers & their enablers as a way to excuse abusive behavior.  Countless children have been abused, yet grew up to become kind, compassionate people who would rather do anything but hurt another person.

It’s still abuse if your abuser has a mental illness.  There are relatively few people with a mental illness who truly don’t know right from wrong.  Unless your abuser is one of those few people, he or she is using mental illness as an excuse to abuse.

It’s still abuse if there were good times in your relationship with your abuser.  No relationship is completely abusive.  If so, abusers would be much easier to identify.  Good times are natural in a relationship with an abuser, but they don’t nullify the abusive behavior.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is your elderly parent.  People often are under the delusion that all older folks are sweet & kind, especially to their own family.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  There are plenty of lovely older folks, but not all of them are.  Many of them are as cruel to their adult children as they were when they were younger, they just changed their tactics a bit to adjust with their age.

It’s still abuse if your abuser is a relative.  Many people put family on a pedestal, as if it’s impossible for family members to abuse other.  I can tell you that this is a complete lie, because I have been abused by several of my family members.  Family members can be the worst abusers of all.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in someone that you are in a bad relationship with, then the relationship is abusive.  You have the right to protect yourself from this behavior.  Exercise that right!  Do what you have to in order to protect yourself from this person, even if it means ending the relationship.  If you don’t know what to do, pray.  Ask God to help you.  Learn all you can about toxic relationships.  Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, join online forums, read books.  Do whatever you have to do to learn about your toxic situation so you can formulate a plan on how to deal with the situation. 

When Narcissistic In-Laws Say “You Stole My Son Or Daughter!”

In the years I’ve been writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I’ve talked to lots of people.  As if my own experience didn’t teach me enough, I’ve learned a lot more from the wonderful people who shared their stories with me.

One of the things I’ve learned about people with narcissistic in-laws is what I want to talk to you about today.

Narcissistic in-laws often are cruel to the spouse of their adult child in countless ways.  One of them is shaming that person for having complete control over their adult child.  This often manifests for others in the same way it did for me.  Like many others with narcissistic in-laws, I was accused of “stealing” my husband & keeping him from his family. 

For the sake of simplicity & also because it’s just fun to say it this way, I will refer to the accusers as “in-laws” & those of us who supposedly steal someone from their family as “outlaws.” 

Narcissistic in-laws must have things their way in every area, including in their children’s lives.  Many would prefer that child not marry, so that way, there is no interference in the control they have over their adult children.  If he or she does marry however, they need to marry someone of which the in-laws approve.  Marrying someone who doesn’t meet up to the in-laws’ standards means things will get ugly, in particular for the outlaw. 

In addition to the frequent scathing criticisms, excluding & shunning the outlaw, & a thousand other ways they let the outlaw know they are not good enough for this family. One thing almost all narcissistic parent in-laws or narcissistic siblings will say is that the outlaw stole the victim from his or her family.  Outlaws like me who are accused of this are almost always shocked since they are hardly controlling people, let alone manipulative enough to control their spouse.  Yet, the accusation is said anyway.

Chances are, when this outlaw talks to their spouse, the victim of the in-laws, he or she will defend the in-laws, minimize their behavior or even deny it entirely.  Naturally this causes a lot of problems in the marriage.

If you are in this situation of being an outlaw as I have been, I know it’s hard.  You definitely will need some ways to cope while minimizing the chances of the in-laws getting their way & destroying your marriage.

When you & your spouse discuss the in-laws, maintain a calm demeanor as much as you possibly can.  Showing your anger will make your spouse feel he or she must defend & protect the in-laws.  Staying calm minimizes the possibility of that happening so you can have an actual discussion about the problem.

Use logic & ask questions when your spouse defends the in-laws.  It is totally reasonable to ask why your spouse thinks it’s acceptable for your in-laws to do what they do to you both.  Ask why he or she doesn’t consider their behavior disrespectful to you, your spouse & your marriage.  Ask for examples of the bad behavior they accuse you of doing.  Expect answers, & don’t let your spouse avoid giving them.  Being forced to think about these things will hurt, so he or she most likely won’t want to give them, but it is vital.  He or she needs to see the truth of the situation in order to deal with it correctly.

If your spouse refuses to see the truth, you may be forced to sever all ties with the in-laws.  It won’t make your spouse happy, but you must protect your mental health & avoid these toxic people.  If you must do this, stick to your convictions & refuse to talk to them at all while not telling your spouse that they must choose you or their family.  The person who gives the ultimatum on these situations almost always ends up abandonded, which is why I say that. 

Most of all, pray, pray, pray!  In such a delicate situation, you need God’s wisdom & for Him to guide your timing & words.  Leaning on Him is the smartest thing you can do in this situation.

I truly wish you all the best in your situation, & am praying for you!

When Your Family Refuses To See You As Anything But A Dysfunctional Child

When you grew up in a dysfunctional family, one of the most frustrating parts of it is that your family never sees you as a mature, independent adult.  If you have done your best to escape the dysfunction & live in a healthier way &/or have decided to live your life for Jesus, this is especially common & frustrating.  The dysfunctional family never will see you as a healthy, God fearing adult.  Instead they only see you as the dysfunctional child you once were.

This is so incredibly frustrating!  Even when you know that they’re content remaining in their dysfunction, it seems like they could at least acknowledge that you have changed.  Even if they disagree with your changes, that doesn’t seem like to much to ask, yet sadly it really is for the most dysfunctional of people. 

People who are content living their dysfunctional lives hate those who are a threat to it in any way.  Anyone who doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction obviously is a problem.  Anyone who is a part of this toxic family & doesn’t condone or enable the dysfunction is especially problematic for such people.

A member of such a family who dares to live their life in such a way as to be different from the family or the family’s expectations for them is absolutely a problem for these people.  That behavior is seen as being rebellious or even betraying the family.  It’s as if they think, how dare someone be so arrogant & think that they’re so much better than the family as to live life on their own terms rather than fit onto the mold the family has made for them!

Even Jesus faced this problem.  His own family didn’t take Him or His work seriously.  Imagine that.  The family of Jesus didn’t take Him seriously!  Isn’t that amazing?!  In Matthew 13:57-58 in the Amplified Bible, Jesus says, “And they took offense at Him [refusing to believe in Him]. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household.” ⁵⁸And He did not do many miracles there [in Nazareth] because of their unbelief.”

If you’re from a dysfunctional family & they treat you as they always have in spite of you growing up, getting healthier & even turning to God, then you are truly not alone!  Even Jesus experienced this.

I know it hurts when your own family treats you so poorly.  It can seem like the best choice would be to return to your old, dysfunctional ways so they stop mistreating you, but I promise you, that isn’t best!  I have been in this position since my family never saw me as anyone but the dysfunctional, blindly obedient & foolish child I once was.  Returning to those behaviors may have made them tolerate me, but I would have been miserable!  What is best is to keep walking the path that you know God has for you.

It also helps to remember that when people treat you in such a manner, it isn’t personal.  It literally has nothing to do with you, even though it certainly feels personal.  It has everything to do with the person behaving this way, their toxicity & their desire to avoid becoming healthier at all costs.  They are so truly toxic that they have zero problem with hurting another person if that will protect their dysfunctional ways & help them to avoid facing what made them this way.  That is pretty terrible!  There is no shame in being dysfunctional of course, so long as you are willing to work on it & improve yourself!  Being determined to live that way forever, no matter how much pain it causes other people, however, is absolutely toxic.

If at all possible, your best bet it to avoid such people.  If that isn’t possible, then do your best to minimize contact with them, stay true to yourself & your beliefs, & never forget to ask God to help you find creative & effective ways of dealing with such people.