When Narcissists Push Victims Beyond Their Limits

Everyone has their limits, even the kindest, most laid back person.  This is never more evident than when a person is dealing with a narcissist. 

One of the favorite weapons of narcissists is to push their victim so hard that the victim snaps while the narcissist remains calm, then they claim this is evidence that the victim is the real problem in the relationship, over reacting, over sensitive, mentally unstable or even abusive.  A bonus is to quietly push their victim to this point in front of people so they see the victim as the narcissist says they are. 

The aim of a narcissist in such a scenario is to make the victim look bad to others, to gain favor, support &/or pity for the narcissist & to make the victim easier to control by proving to them that they are everything the narcissist claims they are.  It’s quite effective too, unless a victim is aware of this tactic.  After all, when you are the extremely emotional one while the narcissist remains calm, on the surface, it does look like you are the problem.  However, victims in this situation are NOT the problem!  They are victims of something known as reactive abuse.

If you have been in this situation, please know that you are not alone, neither are you crazy, unstable, abusive or anything else the narcissist claimed that you were.  Narcissists only say those things to you to make you think they are true, because someone who feels that way about themselves is easier to control than someone who recognizes the real problem at hand isn’t their reaction, but the behavior leading up to that reaction.  I firmly believe narcissists say the things they do like that because they know they are the exact opposite of being true.  In my experience, if a narcissist has said I was stupid, ugly, crazy, etc. I realized later that they believed exactly the opposite.  In truth, they thought I was very smart, pretty, mentally stable, etc.  That goes for you too!  Whatever the narcissist says you are, there is an excellent chance that he or she thinks exactly the opposite is true about you.

And, if you are ashamed of how you acted when in this position, please try not to be.  Easier said than done, I know, but please try!  You were under extreme duress by someone who was trying to make you act the way you did.  You acted as you did because you’re only human!  As I said at the beginning, everyone has their limits.  There is no shame in that.  I realize many people say that no one can make you feel a specific way, don’t give anyone that kind of power, but sometimes, you have no control.  When pushed hard enough to feel a certain way, you’re going to feel that way.  There is no avoiding that entirely. 

If anyone tells you that your behavior is abusive towards the narcissist, remember, it’s not.  You are the true victim in this situation because you were pushed beyond your mental & emotional limits to react this way.  That doesn’t make you abusive, it makes you a victim of abuse.

Lastly, whatever the narcissist told you about yourself to trigger this reaction from you is a lie.  I know I don’t know you or the narcissist personally, but I do know narcissists enough to know that whenever they say something bad about someone, it’s a lie.  It’s only said to cause pain, to make themselves look better, to manipulate or control another person.  They don’t say these things as a form of constructive criticism to encourage another person to learn & grow.  If that was their motive, they would be kinder about how they said things.  People who truly want to help others are much gentler with their words when they must be critical.  People who want to cause pain & control however are very cruel.

If you still have doubts, then I would encourage you to pray.  Ask God to show you the truth.  Ask Him if you are whatever the narcissist said you are, & let Him tell you what He thinks.  His truth is the only real truth, & you can trust that. 

Ways Narcissistic Abuse Can Make You Feel Crazy

Narcissistic abuse is a horrible thing in so many ways.  It can ruin a person’s faith in God because many narcissists twist God’s word around to justify their abusive ways.  It can ruin a person’s financial stability because narcissists feel entitled to their victim’s money & credit cards.  It can destroy a person’s self-esteem since narcissists are notorious for doing that as a way to gain control over their victims.  Narcissistic abuse also can make a person feel like their crazy, because narcissists love either implying or saying outright that their victims are crazy.

Feeling crazy isn’t only due to the direct abuse inflicted by narcissists however.  It can come as something of an after effect of the abuse, & that is what we’ll be discussing today.

When you have been abused by a narcissist, your emotions are drastically affected.  They can be rather raw due to being so overused by the constant traumatic abuse.  Being oversensitive like this isn’t always a bad thing because it can make you very sensitive to & in tune with other people.  However, it also can leave you feeling ways that are less than pleasant & even make you doubt your sanity.

One such feeling is envy when those close to you are happy.  You don’t think of yourself as being petty, but you get angry at the special people in your life that are experiencing good things happening to them.  You aren’t a mean person or naturally envious, so why does this happen?  It’s normal to feel this way sometimes when going through a hard time, such as after the death of someone you love.  You’re miserable & their joy is a reminder of that.  That being said, doesn’t it seem only logical that when experiencing something as horrid as narcissistic abuse you might feel that same way sometimes?  It does NOT mean you’re crazy!  It means you’ve been through some terrible things & are longing for better times.  Just be sure to stay aware of it & don’t mistreat anyone because of how you feel. 

Closely related is feeling envious of those with loving, healthy relationships.  Growing up with narcissistic parents makes a person feel so many things such as sadness for not having loving parents, grief for their childhood being stolen by their parents & anger for not being safe with those people who were supposed to love them unconditionally to treat them well.  Seeing people with loving, attentive, functional parents is a reminder of what you lacked.  It can trigger envy.  It may make you feel crazy or bad for being so envious, but truly, it’s normal!  The same goes for those romantically involved with a narcissist.  Seeing a happy couple can trigger envy for what you lacked.  That also is very normal! 

Another common issue is being angry & overreacting to the smallest things.  Narcissists are infamous for angering even the calmest, most laid back of people.  They also are infamous for using that justifiable anger to make their victim feel crazy & badly for being angry.  Naturally, victims learn to stuff their anger to hide it.  This works for narcissists because they know their victims will tolerate about anything they do without complaint.  Victims suffer though not only because of the abuse but also because they often lose the ability to show anger in healthy ways.  Instead, they get very angry over inconsequential things.  Something as simple as losing a pen can trigger rage.  Or, someone making an insensitive comment that isn’t even really mean can result in the victim yelling at them.  After the victim calms down, they often feel crazy for getting so angry over something so small.  The victim isn’t crazy though!  They are behaving normally in abnormal circumstances!

If you have experienced feelings like these, please know that there is nothing wrong with you!  You aren’t crazy!  You are a normal person who has experienced abnormal & horrific abuse.  The more you heal, the less you will feel these feelings.  Keep learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & how to heal from narcissistic abuse.  Write in a journal & look back over what you learned often, as it will help you to remember what you learned.  Most importantly, stay close to God.  Let Him help you to heal!

The More Wisdom You Attain, The Crazier Narcissists Will Say You Are

There is a saying that goes, “The more wisdom you attain & the more conscious you become, the crazier you will appear to others.”  This saying is so true with the average person but even more so with narcissists.

If you think about your experience with the narcissist in your life, did this person not claim you were crazy when learned what they did to you was wrong, & you began to speak the truth about their actions?  Chances are excellent your answer is yes.

This can be so difficult to go through!  Wisdom can create cognitive dissonance, which is the very uncomfortable feeling of having conflicting beliefs.  In other words, the new truth is making you doubt the old, dysfunctional beliefs.  Feeling this plus dealing with a narcissist tell you that you’re wrong, stupid, & crazy is incredibly difficult. 

At this time, it often seems easier to forget the new information & just resume life as it was prior to learning what you recently learned.  At least doing that means the narcissist will abandon their newest attack on your mental stability.  While that does seem to be a smart decision & it definitely will make your life easier at first, it is a very bad decision in the long run.

Pacifying narcissists never works.  You may get a few days of some peace, but that is the best any narcissist can offer.  Narcissists refuse to behave reasonably for long periods of time.  They only do it for short periods of time, & they only do it then to lull their victims into a false sense of security by making victims think they have changed.

By rejecting new wisdom, you are setting yourself up to continue in an abusive relationship.  When you learn what the narcissist does is wrong, you stop tolerating their behavior.  Every single abusive thing you stop tolerating from them strengthens you & sets you on the path of breaking away from the relationship.

Also by rejecting new wisdom, you are pretty much guaranteed to be abused by another narcissist in the future.  Narcissists have a built in radar for who will be a good victim for them.  When a victim of one narcissist tolerates abuse, they are not only a good victim to that narcissist, but other narcissists are attracted to them like a moth to a flame.  Consider the common phenomenon of someone raised by narcissistic parents who grows up to marry a narcissistic spouse.  While no one can stop a narcissist from abusing them, they can make themselves unappealing to narcissists.  A person with wisdom who is eager to gain more wisdom is very unappealing to narcissists because they know this person won’t believe their lies & manipulation.

The more you learn, the better it is for you.  Not only relating to how narcissists treat you but because you will become more self confident in all areas of your life.  You will avoid making poor decisions & make prudent ones. 

While gaining wisdom can be difficult when faced with cognitive dissonance & the narcissist’s attempts to convince you how wrong you are, it is absolutely worth it in the long run.  During those times that you struggle, never forget that you have a Heavenly Father who is more than happy to help you.  Ask Him for whatever help you need, including for more wisdom.

Narcissistic Anger

Yesterday, my narcissistic mother called me after barely speaking to me since November.  She was passive/aggressively letting me know just how angry she is with me.  

This is nothing new, & I wasn’t even going to mention it here.  Then I felt God wanted me to share some of the details about it to show other daughters of narcissistic mothers how they operate.  So many emails I get are from women who are tired of the dysfunction in their relationship with their mother, & are looking for answers.  If that describes you, you may benefit from reading this blog.

My goal in sharing this is to help women like this learn some of the common types of comments narcissistic mothers use, & what these mothers hope to accomplish.  While your mother may not say exactly these comments, I would bet she uses something similar, & with similar motives.

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, don’t handle criticism well.  They also are in constant competition, especially with those closest to them.  They must look like the best, smartest, prettiest, etc. & if they don’t, they may go into what is known as a Narcissistic Rage.  This rage can be physically violent, but I believe many narcissistic mothers leave physical violence behind as they get older, & their children grow up.  They replace the physical violence with verbal attacks, often passive/aggressive ones that leave you wondering if your anger is misplaced.  These comments aren’t blatantly abusive- they have subtle, hidden meanings behind them, & are designed to strike at whatever means a lot to you to cause you the most hurt.  If you confront your narcissistic mother about what she has said, she’ll say you are crazy or reading into things because all she said was a simple statement.  This leaves you frustrated & angry because you KNOW that she didn’t just mean that one simple thing- you have absolutely no doubt there was a hidden, nasty crack at you in that comment!  This is gaslighting/crazymaking!

If your mother does this, you are NOT alone!  It is very common behavior for narcissistic mothers!  Read on- I bet you’ll see a bit of your mother in my mother’s comments.

Also, I am a firm believer in not judging people, including their motives.  While what I say below may sound judgmental, like I am judging her motives. I don’t believe it is at all.  This is based on knowledge I’ve gained from experience with my mother’s behavior for the over 42 years I’ve been alive.  

 

“My cousin is so brave.. while she suffers so with depression, she STILL works hard cleaning her house & garden!”

A little background:  Last June, my mother started being oddly nice to me for a few months.  During that time, she mentioned her 60-something year old cousin’s battle with depression.  She has been hospitalized for it, & takes medication daily.  She has gone through many medicines, changing doses repeatedly to find out what helped her best.  While telling me about her cousin, she asked if I’ve ever had problems with depression.  This shocked since when I was about 6, I told my parents I wished I’d never been born, & many times during my childhood my mother commented on how sad I looked & needed to cheer up.  Anyway I told her yes, I have problems with depression (I haven’t told her of the other mental health problems I have).  She asked some questions & I answered some as I felt comfortable.  I told her that I am used to it, it’s miserable, but I go on even when it’s bad.  My family needs me, so I can’t afford to fall apart for long.  Fast forward to yesterday’s conversation with my mother- I have no doubt this comment was to invalidate me, to let me know what I go through is nothing, especially compared to her poor cousin.  My mother’s cousin is so much stronger than me- she suffers so much, yet does so much more than me.  Aren’t I ashamed of myself??  (Truth be told?  Nope, I’m not!)

 

“My cousin & her husband went out one day & came home to find their son had bought & set up a fancy new 55″ television!  They are so lucky to have such a good son!”

I lost track of how many times my mother has told me this story… it has ONE motivation- to let me know I don’t do enough for my parents.  A good child would do things like this for her parents!  (Well, maybe if I wouldn’t have spent my life hearing constantly what a horrible person I am, I might feel more inclined to be nicer to my parents..)

 

Telling me about how long she & a couple of other people have been friends..

From any other person?  This wouldn’t be any issue.  But with my mother, it is.  She wants me to know she keeps friends longer than me (she seems to forget sometimes she is also 32 years older than me- of course some of her friendships are older than mine!  She is older than I am!).  She has told me I’m not a good friend ever since I can remember, & this is just one more way to remind me of what a terrible friend I am.  (We won’t discuss that my best friend & I have been friends since just before we went into our senior year of high school, or how many friends I have had since kindergarten..)

 

Telling me how spoiled her cat is.

This one is really easy.  Translation:  “I am a way better cat mom than you are!  You  should strive to be as good a pet parent as I am!”  Never mind I currently have 9 cats & 1 dog, all of whom are confident, happy, loving, healthy & very well cared for.  The one cat I have with health issues is doing way better than the vet thought he would, partly due to how I care for him.  As for my mother’s cat?  My heart breaks for her- she is overweight & extremely skittish.  Most likely this comes from my mother’s “discipline” when she misbehaves (screaming at the kitty).

 

Telling me how many people wanted to buy her old Dodge when she had it.

I’m not sure how many of you know the story of my car, so bear with me if this is a repeat for you.  I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible.  My ’69 Plymouth Fury belonged to my Granddad.  He gave it to my dad when his car was stolen, then Dad junked it for a bad transmission & rear in 1979.  In 2005, I found what I thought was a twin of that car at a flea market.  After buying the car, when I compared the VIN to Dad’s old records, we learned this is the same car!  My mother knows this, & hates my car with a passion.  She constantly lets me know it’s a piece of junk, no one likes it, Granddad was a terrible mechanic (really??  He kept his & some of his daughters’ cars running for many years) so she would NEVER own a car he owned, etc.  Her motivation with this comment was to let me know how much better her car was than mine since others wanted to buy it, and as a bonus, my granddad was a terrible person.  Funny.. my car is the only one that’s still on the road after 45 years, & I often have people wanting to buy it.  And, when my grandparents gave my parents this car in 1976, my mother didn’t turn it down.  As for her disdain of her father in-law?  It is because he & I were very close.  Once she learned how close Granddad & I were, she hasn’t stopped criticizing him to me.

 

I hope this helps you, fellow daughter of a narcissistic mother.  When your mother says something that sounds innocent enough, yet you feel angry about it, there IS a reason!  You aren’t crazy- your mother has some nasty motivation for saying what she has!  Trust that anger or hurt you feel- it is responding for a reason, I promise you that!  Narcissists always have a motivation for everything they say & do!  (They want you to make themselves look better or hurt anyone who they think is better than them, which motivates probably 99% of their behaviors.)  And, I bet if you think about it for a little while, you’ll figure out exactly what it is she is trying to say.  

Remember this too- just because your mother thinks something you say, do, like, own, etc. is bad, doesn’t mean it is.  I’ve said it many times- just because your mother says something doesn’t mean it is the truth.  Ignore her judgment of you- you are special!  God made you the way He did for a reason.  She is entitled to disagree with your likes or choices, & you are equally entitled to ignore her nastiness & continue your life however you like.