God gave me yet another experience last night on just how badly He wants to help His children. I realized I needed to write it out but rather than simply write it all in my journal, I thought I would share here in the hopes of blessing you, Dear Reader. I apologize in advance- this probably will be long.
A few weeks back, I developed psoriasis on my face, surrounding my mouth. Never had it before-I’ve always had clear, healthy skin- so it’s been rather upsetting feeling like I resemble Freddy Krueger. Immediately I looked up what causes this awful skin condition & how to treat it. For some odd reason, I never thought to ask God about it (not proud of this!). I chalked it up to stress since it started not long after I lost one of my precious cats plus a few days later had the big fight with my parents, & hormone imbalances. But, my husband kept saying how odd the location was. Most people get psoriasis on their arms or backs or chests, but not me. I agreed, it was odd, but had no answers & for whatever reason, didn’t think to ask God about it.
Last night, I went into the bathroom to put cream on my face. I looked in the mirror & was glad to see the psoriasis is improving, slowly but surely. I began to wonder why it was where it was, & suddenly, God spoke to my heart, & I knew the answer!
When I had that fight with my parents, I broke their rules- I yelled at them & even used some bad language. I had been so caught up in feeling the pain of my loss plus the anger & hurt at my parents, I didn’t even realize I felt guilty for breaking the rules. I also felt guilty for feeling nothing for my parents. Any emotions died for them during that argument- it was my final straw with them. So while yes, stress & hormones played a part in why I got the psoriasis in the first place, my own guilt was why it’s around my mouth- because my mouth was the “problem.” Kind of punishing myself for what I did. The body is a strange yet interesting thing. It can take out its own feelings on itself in very unusual ways, which is what happened to me.
Once I put the cream on, I returned to the other room, & got into prayer. Years ago, I read Craig Hill’s book “Ancient Paths” about emotional healing. I used one of his techniques that I’ve found extremely helpful. I asked God if I should feel guilty for how I spoke to my parents. Was I wrong? Was I overreacting? Before I could even finish what I was asking Him, immediately, He said I absolutely was NOT wrong- this was exactly what they needed. They may disagree with me, but they needed to know that they really hurt me with their selfish ways. They also wouldn’t have listened to me if I had spoken in a reasonable way about the topic- they wouldn’t have realized how devastated I was by their behavior. They needed to see their reasonable, normally calm daughter so upset, that she acted totally out of character to understand the depths of how badly they hurt me. Basically, they don’t understand or empathize with my feelings, but they know they hurt me. Apparently that is something God wanted them to know.
As I was thinking about this after praying, I had a flashback..thankfully, it was the “mildest” one I’ve ever had. I remembered back to 10th grade. The boyfriend of one of my friends was hit by a car while riding his bike. The day after the accident, everyone in school was talking about it.. in all the gory details. Although I didn’t know this boy well, it was still horrific hearing about what happened. I lost my appetite so I just took my lunch back home after the school day. Later, my mother asked why I didn’t eat my lunch, so I told her. Her response was awful. Rather than show concern for this boy who happened to be the son of one of her friends, or show concern for me being obviously upset, she attacked me. In an extremely shaming tone, she said things like, “You must really like him to be so affected by this.” She shamed me for being romantically interested in this boy when the truth was I was simply upset someone I knew might die from a horrific accident. The flashback reminded me of all the shame I felt that day. Shame for doing nothing wrong!
After that, I remembered a similar incident. Also in 10th grade, I took driver’s ed. They showed what were known as “blood & gut” films- footage of the aftermath of car accidents. The premise was to scare us enough to be careful drivers. The films gave me nightmares. One of which involved a fellow student from my economics class dead on the hood my grandfather’s Oldsmobile. I still remember the nightmare- it was very vivid & terrible. Strange too- I barely knew him, so I have no idea why he was even in my dream. When I told my mother of this, her only concern was whether or not I thought this boy was “cute.” Again, I was shamed for being interested in a boy that I had no interest in as my feelings were ignored.
As I pondered these awful memories, I asked God what this was all about. He showed me why my mother has acted so outrageously in these instances. She doesn’t genuinely care about other people, she hasn’t the ability to, & is jealous that I do. Also, when I skipped lunch that day, it was proof I don’t have her issues with food (she’s an emotional eater), which was another reason for her to be angry with me. Basically I reminded her of a flaw she has. And lastly, my mother didn’t want me to be interested in boys because that would mean she was losing control of me. If she could shame me for being interested in them, that would prevent me from being interested, & I would remain under her control.
Interestingly, by the way, as difficult as this all should have been remembering such nasty things, it wasn’t too bad. I’m a bit tired today & have some mild body aches, but not bad compared to when other flashbacks have happened. God strengthened me & enabled me to handle these things. It was as if He was somehow holding my hand as I faced things. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but I’m truly grateful He enabled me to do this!
The reason God reminded me of these instances was to show me that I have no reason to feel guilty. There is no reasoning with my mother. In her eyes, I am nothing but a tool to be used. I mean absolutely nothing to her beyond what I can do for her. Why should I feel any guilt or shame for not being willing to tolerate being treated as such? And, in both of those instances, she was completely unreasonable & she put the weight of her issues on me. This is not a safe person, nor is this someone I should feel bad for standing up to, mother or not.
As for my father, he did nothing to defend me to my mother after those instances. He didn’t speak one word to her about her ridiculous behavior. This was typical of him. In fact, he even told me how hard it was for him watching me go through what I did with her when her abuse hit its peak in my late teens. I ended up comforting him when he said that, when should have been comforting & protecting me.
All of this really got to the root of some problems, which is awesome. Admittedly, it’s not fun, but to deal properly with problems, you need to get to the root of them. As hard as remembering such things was, I am truly grateful God showed me such things because now I can heal & ditch the guilt & shame I have felt the past two months. Hopefully the psoriasis will heal quicker now too.
If God did this for me, He certainly will do the same for you, Dear Reader. He wants you to be healed & enjoy your life! If you allow Him, He will gently guide you on the right road for your healing & strengthen you to face whatever you need to face! And, once you face those demons, you can be set free!