Tag Archives: mistreat

Why Do Some People Defend Narcissists Rather Than Their Victims?

My mind wanders…a lot.  Today, it wandered to something I’ve wondered about off & on for years.

Why is it that when a narcissist hurts someone, most people close to the narcissist & her victim are quick to defend the narcissist rather than the victim?   Have you noticed this?  People say you need to understand your narcissistic mother, be more patient with her, realize she was abused as a child, don’t forget- she’s the only mother you’ll ever have & she won’t be around forever, or a plethora of other reasons you should give her a free pass to abuse you.  In fact, when I was seventeen & my mother’s abuse of me was at its peak, one of her friends (a school principal, by the way!) scolded me for giving my mother so much trouble, & for not appreciating how much my mother loved me.  She claimed my mother did everything she did out of love for me.  And, it isn’t just with a narcissistic  mother this type of thing happens – I went through this with my narcissistic mother in-law as well, like so very many other frustrated daughters in-law.  When my husband’s mother told me how ‘stupid’ my grandfather was (she never met him), or would criticize me, my family, my pets, my car, etc., my husband told me I needed to understand her, or that she simply didn’t know any better.  His sisters have not once in the almost twenty years of our relationship acknowledged their mother mistreated me.  They, too, don’t believe how devious their mother can be, instead believing her to be only sweet & naive.

Why does this happen?  Are people afraid of a narcissistic rage if they disagree with the narcissist?  Do survival instincts kick in, & people look to placate the more dangerous person for their own protection, while ignoring the fact the safer person has been mistreated?   Or, is it something about the victim that says, “Sure, it’s ok- I don’t matter.  It’s fine to treat me any old way you like!”  After all, when you’ve been the victim of a narcissist, you are accustomed to being mistreated.  Maybe some people unconsciously pick up on that, & assume you don’t object to how you’re being treated.  Or, could they see you as the stronger, healthier person, more able to be the mature one in this situation?  Whatever the reason or reasons, it is so wrong!  God doesn’t defend abuse, & neither should anyone else!  True, Godly love wants what is best for people, & abuse isn’t in anyone’s best interest!  Not the innocent victim, nor the abusive person, determined to inflict pain.  What is best for everyone is to treat each other with gentleness, love, understanding, wisdom & patience

Psychology fascinates me, so I can’t help wondering about this.  What do you think?  I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this topic.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism