Tag Archives: protection

You Have The Right To Protect Yourself From Abusive Family Members!

I read a really good article the other day.  It gave me another reminder that it’s ok to cut toxic people out of my life, even if they’re so called “family.”  I thought I’d pass this excellent reminder along to you, Dear Reader.

Although family is supposed to be a safe haven, that isn’t always the case, as no doubt you are well aware.  Many families are downright cruel & abusive to their own family members.  When their victims defend themselves, they often are shunned by other relatives (even ones who know how the abusers are), friends & society in general.  Why people seem to think you should tolerate abuse from someone because you share some genes & maybe a name is beyond me!

Being related to someone by blood or by marriage does NOT give a person the right to be abusive.  In fact, there is NOTHING that gives any person the right to be abusive. 

As the victim of an abusive person, you have rights…

  • You have every right to protect yourself from all abuse- spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, financial, physical & sexual.
  • You have the right to expect people to treat you with basic respect- be polite, not try to cause you harm or pain, etc.
  • You have the right to be upset when you are mistreated or abused.
  • You have the right to say no & to have healthy boundaries & to expect them to be respected.
  • You have the right not to tolerate guilt trips, manipulation & attempts to control you.
  • You have the right to be in a relationship without losing yourself, to maintain your own identity & independence that is pleasing to you.
  • You have the right to live your life in a way that is good & healthy for you, even if others disapprove.
  • You have the right to end a relationship with an abusive person, even if that person is “family.”

 

Remember these rights, Dear Reader.  If someone in your family is abusive, you absolutely have every right to eliminate that person from your life if you have to do so to protect yourself.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

Why Do Some People Defend Narcissists Rather Than Their Victims?

My mind wanders…a lot.  Today, it wandered to something I’ve wondered about off & on for years.

Why is it that when a narcissist hurts someone, most people close to the narcissist & her victim are quick to defend the narcissist rather than the victim?   Have you noticed this?  People say you need to understand your narcissistic mother, be more patient with her, realize she was abused as a child, don’t forget- she’s the only mother you’ll ever have & she won’t be around forever, or a plethora of other reasons you should give her a free pass to abuse you.  In fact, when I was seventeen & my mother’s abuse of me was at its peak, one of her friends (a school principal, by the way!) scolded me for giving my mother so much trouble, & for not appreciating how much my mother loved me.  She claimed my mother did everything she did out of love for me.  And, it isn’t just with a narcissistic  mother this type of thing happens – I went through this with my narcissistic mother in-law as well, like so very many other frustrated daughters in-law.  When my husband’s mother told me how ‘stupid’ my grandfather was (she never met him), or would criticize me, my family, my pets, my car, etc., my husband told me I needed to understand her, or that she simply didn’t know any better.  His sisters have not once in the almost twenty years of our relationship acknowledged their mother mistreated me.  They, too, don’t believe how devious their mother can be, instead believing her to be only sweet & naive.

Why does this happen?  Are people afraid of a narcissistic rage if they disagree with the narcissist?  Do survival instincts kick in, & people look to placate the more dangerous person for their own protection, while ignoring the fact the safer person has been mistreated?   Or, is it something about the victim that says, “Sure, it’s ok- I don’t matter.  It’s fine to treat me any old way you like!”  After all, when you’ve been the victim of a narcissist, you are accustomed to being mistreated.  Maybe some people unconsciously pick up on that, & assume you don’t object to how you’re being treated.  Or, could they see you as the stronger, healthier person, more able to be the mature one in this situation?  Whatever the reason or reasons, it is so wrong!  God doesn’t defend abuse, & neither should anyone else!  True, Godly love wants what is best for people, & abuse isn’t in anyone’s best interest!  Not the innocent victim, nor the abusive person, determined to inflict pain.  What is best for everyone is to treat each other with gentleness, love, understanding, wisdom & patience

Psychology fascinates me, so I can’t help wondering about this.  What do you think?  I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this topic.

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism