When Children Defend Themselves To Their Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents learn very quickly that defending themselves to their narcissistic parents isn’t an option.  Any time they try to stand up for themselves or express their own feelings, their parents accuse them of being disobedient, rebellious, a troublemaker & more.  Soon they learn to forget themselves & tolerate anything, including abuse, to be worthy of their parents’ love.  Eventually they learn that this was not a healthy way to live, & began to understand the importance of standing up for themselves.

Today, I will share some things I have learned on this topic.  

The first thing you need to understand is that narcissistic parents are primarily focused on themselves & their own needs, rather than those of their children. They are emotionally abusive, controlling, & manipulative, & they often use their children as a means of validation for their own egos.

For children of narcissistic parents, this can be a very difficult & confusing experience.  On the one hand, they may feel a strong attachment to their parent & want to please them.  On the other hand, they feel neglected, unloved, & abused by their parent’s behavior.  This can create cognitive dissonance, where the child feels both love & fear towards their parent at the same time.

Growing up with narcissistic parents means constantly walking on eggshells.  You never knew what could set them off, & always afraid of doing something wrong.  Although you may try your best to be the perfect child, no matter how hard you tried, it’s never enough.  My overtly narcissistic mother always found something to criticize or belittle me for, & I felt I could never do anything right.

Once I was in my late teens, I began to realize that I didn’t have to put up with my mother’s abuse anymore.  I started to see that her behavior was not normal or acceptable, & I stopped excusing it.  Standing up to her was not easy.  Every time I tried to express my own feelings or defend myself, she would rage at me, say terrible things about me or accuse me of awful things I hadn’t done.  She even told me me that she was thinking of sending me away to a military school or a psychiatric hospital. 

As an adult, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & her behavior finally made sense.  I realized why defending myself to her was always a problem!  I just needed to figure out how to defend myself in ways that wouldn’t anger her but also would help me.  The best way I found to do this was gently but firmly setting boundaries.

When dealing with narcissists, showing no emotion is best.  Any emotion at all gives them fuel to abuse you.  They accuse you of being over sensitive, having anger issues & more.  Keeping that in mind, when I needed to defend myself, I calmly stated no, that isn’t right or no, that wouldn’t work for me & not budge from this position.  My mother couldn’t get too angry because I was being reasonable.

I also learned how to pick my battles.  If the matter was important, I would calmly say she was incorrect & state the facts.  If it wasn’t important to me, I just let it go.

To do this, I leaned on God a lot.  I asked Him to guide me & that He did.  It wasn’t easy but with His help, my mother eventually began to respect my boundaries & be less critical.  It wasn’t perfect but for the most part, our relationship was better by the time we went no contact.

If you are in a similar situation with a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to know where to start. I would encourage you to start by praying, then by setting boundaries.  Calmly stated boundaries with consequences will let your parent know that you will not tolerate their abuse or manipulation anymore.  It may take time, but eventually they will start to understand that you are serious.

If you are struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic child abuse, I also encourage you to prioritize your own self-care.  This will feel strange at first, prioritizing yourself but you can do it!  Do whatever helps your mental health.  

Remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, & that you have the right to set boundaries & defend yourself.  It may take time & effort, but with patience & perseverance, you’ll learn to set boundaries & take good care of yourself!

A Balanced View Of Evil

So many people seem to think that evil is a state of mind rather than an actual force at work in the world today.  Underestimating evil can lead to nothing but trouble.

There is great evil at work in the world today.  If you don’t believe it, just look around.  People constantly treat each other terribly, & integrity & morals seem to be a thing of the past for many people.  I believe that this happens in part because for the most part, people don’t believe that Satan & his demons are real & powerful enemies. 

They do exist however.  In the Amplified Bible, Matthew 4:10 says, “Then Jesus said to him, “Go away, Satan! For it is written and forever remains written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and serve Him only.’””  Jesus clearly addressed Satan.  He wasn’t just talking to Himself!  And, 2 Timothy 2:26 says, “and that they may come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.”  Clearly Satan exists & as Christians we need to be fully aware of this & how to protect ourselves from falling prey to him.

One thing that all Christians need to do is never to underestimate that the enemy wants to destroy us all.  1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour.”  This is all he does, look for open doors into people’s lives so he can destroy them.  Thankfully, there are ways to prevent him from doing this.

The next verse, 1 Peter 5:9 gives us the best way to do this.  It says, “But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable], knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being experienced by your brothers and sisters throughout the world. [You do not suffer alone.]”  Fight back against the enemy. Question everything & compare it to the truth of God’s word.  Also be open about what he does & says to you.  Ephesians 5:11 says, “Do not participate in the worthless and unproductive deeds of darkness, but instead expose them [by exemplifying personal integrity, moral courage, and godly character];”  Bringing such things into the open minimizes or even fully removes their power.  John 3:20 says, “For every wrongdoer hates the Light, and does not come to the Light [but shrinks from it] for fear that his [sinful, worthless] activities will be exposed and condemned.”  Notice how it says they shrink from the light.

Always remember that God is in your corner, enabling you to resist Satan.  In John 16:33, Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]”  And, 1 John 4:4 says, “Little children (believers, dear ones), you are of God and you belong to Him and have [already] overcome them [the agents of the antichrist]; because He who is in you is greater than he (Satan) who is in the world [of sinful mankind].”  Satan can tempt us & hassle us, but he can’t overtake us, because God has equipped us to defeat him.

Another wise move to take is to remember to avoid anything that opens a door to evil, even slightly.  Astrology, tarot cards, trying to contact the dead, psychics & similar things may seem harmless but they aren’t.  Deuteronomy 18:9-12 says, “⁹When you enter the land which the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not learn to imitate the detestable (repulsive) practices of those nations. ¹⁰There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or daughter pass through the fire [as a sacrifice], one who uses divination and fortune-telling, one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, ¹¹or one who casts a charm or spell, or a medium, or a spiritist, or a necromancer [who seeks the dead]. ¹²For everyone who does these things is utterly repulsive to the Lord; and because of these detestable practices the Lord your God is driving them out before you.”  Practices involving the occult in any fashion open the door to the enemy, giving him access to your life.  Instead of opening that door, turn from such things & turn to God. 

While we need not to be afraid of the enemy, we do need to be aware of his tactics to protect ourselves.  Be aware, but don’t be afraid.  Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world!

Some Signs Of A Person With Evil Intentions

Everyone is a sinner according to Romans 3:23.  In the Amplified Translation it says, “For all have sinned & continually fall short of the glory of God.” This being said though, not everyone has evil intentions.  The Bible speaks of those who find joy in doing evil & delight in the perversity of evil in Proverbs 2:14.  It is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.

If you know even a small amount about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, chances are you will recognize some common narcissistic behaviors in this list.

Also, this list is far from all inclusive.  It only includes a few of the most common signs.

One of the most common signs of someone with evil intentions is their false flattery.  They may say kind words & promise you good things, but don’t be fooled.  Jeremiah 12:6 warns, “For even your [tribal] brothers & the household of your father, Even they have dealt treacherously (unfaithfully) with you; Indeed they are [like a pack of hounds] howling after you. Do not believe them, although they may say kind words & promise you good things.”

A person with evil intentions will use their false flattery to manipulate & control you to further their own selfish motives.  They may make you feel special & unique, but don’t be fooled.  It is only to benefit their selfish ambitions rather than be good to you.  Romans 2:8 says, “But for those who are selfishly ambitious & self-seeking & disobedient to the truth but responsive to wickedness, [there will be] wrath & indignation.”  Always be wary of people who are always flattering you & never call you out when you do or say something wrong.

Another sign of someone with evil intentions is their need to manipulate & control people.  They may try to dictate what you do & how you do it, or constantly try to change your opinions & beliefs.  They may also try to control your emotions, making you feel guilty or ashamed for expressing how you truly feel.  They may even try to isolate you from your family & friends, so they can have complete control over you.

Another common sign of someone with evil intentions is their lack of empathy.  They may not be able to understand or relate to how you feel, or may even seem to take pleasure in your suffering.  Anyone who can see you clearly very upset over something they have done, yet show no reaction or desire to change is toxic.  People like this also may be unwilling to admit their wrongdoings, or even may try to blame you for their mistakes.

A person with evil intentions may also be very quick to anger, even over small things, & can resort to verbal or physical abuse when they don’t get their way.  They may also try to manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want to do, or may even threaten you if you don’t do what they say.

No one is perfect, & we all make mistakes.  That is a given.  However, it is important to be aware of the signs of someone with evil intentions in order to protect yourself from potential harm.  False flattery, extreme selfishness, manipulation & control, lack of empathy & exceptionally quick to anger are all common signs of someone with evil intentions, so be sure to stay aware of the behavior of the people around you.  If you ever feel like something isn’t right, don’t be afraid to speak up & seek help.

Remember, it is never too late to make a change.  God is always with you, even in the darkest of times.  With Him, nothing is impossible!

What Got Me Started Learning About Spiritual Warfare

As I’d written about some time back, I decided to learn more about evil & spiritual warfare.  I started this journey after watching a sermon about witchcraft, & would like to share some about what I learned from that sermon.  Just so you know, this is just scratching the surface. It’s quite an in depth topic.

Most people hear the word “witch” & think of images of a woman wearing all black, with a pointy black hat, & either riding a broom or stirring something in a large cauldron.  This is not the norm, however, except in movies.  Witches are all around us.  Many who are involved with certain religions, such as Wicca & Paganism, openly practice witchcraft, but there are even more people who practice witchcraft in much more subtle ways.  So subtle, in fact, that many witches don’t even consider themselves witches.  These are those who do things that go against God yet aren’t as obvious, such as manipulating, controlling, envying or hating others.  By doing these things that go against God, they are inviting the enemy, Satan, & his demons to work.

A side note here… such behaviors as manipulation, control & envying others are especially common among narcissists.  This is just one more reason I believe Narcissistic Personality Disorder to be more about evil than a mental health problem.  That isn’t the topic of this post, obviously, but I wanted to put it out there for something to think about.

Satan is a powerful enemy, but his powers are limited.  He needs to use human beings to enable him to do much of his work in the physical realm.  This is where people who don’t know God intimately come into play.  When they come across someone who they feel threatened by – such as someone they view as more successful, popular or attractive – they hate that person easily.  That hatred opens the door for Satan to work in their life as well as their victim’s life.  To keep the original person engaged, Satan often works subtly to keep their minds focused on their hatred.  One thing he does is to remind them to keep up with the personal details of that person they hate.  I firmly believe that this is why some people are so devoted about keeping up with the personal details such as snooping on social media posts of people they hate.  They certainly aren’t looking in the hopes of learning that the object of their hatred is happy & doing well.  They are looking in the hopes of finding out that person is miserable, alone, broke, sick or whatever. 

An important thing to keep in mind is that even Christians aren’t completely immune to the enemy’s attacks.  Consider the story of Job.  He was loyal to God, yet Satan attacked his health, family & more.  Even Jesus was not immune to the enemy’s attacks while He was here in human form.  Satan tempted Him.  That story can be found in Matthew 4.  No matter how much you love God, Satan still can cause you problems.

To protect yourself, you must learn about Satan.  No one who successfully defeats an enemy does so without knowing about their enemy.  They get to know how their enemy thinks & how they work.  Remember that fighting Satan & his demons isn’t like fighting humans.  Ephesians 6:12 describes them in the Amplified Bible, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places.” 

To fight a spiritual enemy, you also need to wear the armor of God as described in Ephesians 6:13-17: “Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to [successfully] resist and stand your ground in the evil day [of danger], and having done everything [that the crisis demands], to stand firm [in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious]. ¹⁴ So stand firm and hold your ground, having tightened the wide band of truth (personal integrity, moral courage) around your waist and having put on the breastplate of righteousness (an upright heart), ¹⁵ and having strapped on your feet the gospel of peace in preparation [to face the enemy with firm-footed stability and the readiness produced by the good news]. ¹⁶ Above all, lift up the [protective] shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” 

And above all, never, ever fail to ask God for help, guidance, discernment, courage & anything else you need.  If you don’t know what you need, that is ok!  Just ask Him for help, & He will be glad to do so!  Remember, Psalm 46 says that God is an ever present help in times of trouble, He is always with us & our Stronghold! 

You Have The Right To Protect Yourself From Abusive Family Members!

I read a really good article the other day.  It gave me another reminder that it’s ok to cut toxic people out of my life, even if they’re so called “family.”  I thought I’d pass this excellent reminder along to you, Dear Reader.

Although family is supposed to be a safe haven, that isn’t always the case, as no doubt you are well aware.  Many families are downright cruel & abusive to their own family members.  When their victims defend themselves, they often are shunned by other relatives (even ones who know how the abusers are), friends & society in general.  Why people seem to think you should tolerate abuse from someone because you share some genes & maybe a name is beyond me!

Being related to someone by blood or by marriage does NOT give a person the right to be abusive.  In fact, there is NOTHING that gives any person the right to be abusive. 

As the victim of an abusive person, you have rights…

• You have every right to protect yourself from all abuse- spiritual, mental, emotional, verbal, financial, physical & sexual.
• You have the right to expect people to treat you with basic respect- be polite, not try to cause you harm or pain, etc.
• You have the right to be upset when you are mistreated or abused.
• You have the right to say no & to have healthy boundaries & to expect them to be respected.
• You have the right not to tolerate guilt trips, manipulation & attempts to control you.
• You have the right to be in a relationship without losing yourself, to maintain your own identity & independence that is pleasing to you.
• You have the right to live your life in a way that is good & healthy for you, even if others disapprove.
• You have the right to end a relationship with an abusive person, even if that person is “family.”

 

Remember these rights, Dear Reader.  If someone in your family is abusive, you absolutely have every right to eliminate that person from your life if you have to do so to protect yourself.

Why Do Some People Defend Narcissists Rather Than Their Victims?

My mind wanders…a lot.  Today, it wandered to something I’ve wondered about off & on for years.

Why is it that when a narcissist hurts someone, most people close to the narcissist & her victim are quick to defend the narcissist rather than the victim?   Have you noticed this?  People say you need to understand your narcissistic mother, be more patient with her, realize she was abused as a child, don’t forget- she’s the only mother you’ll ever have & she won’t be around forever, or a plethora of other reasons you should give her a free pass to abuse you.  In fact, when I was seventeen & my mother’s abuse of me was at its peak, one of her friends (a school principal, by the way!) scolded me for giving my mother so much trouble, & for not appreciating how much my mother loved me.  She claimed my mother did everything she did out of love for me.  And, it isn’t just with a narcissistic  mother this type of thing happens – I went through this with my narcissistic mother in-law as well, like so very many other frustrated daughters in-law.  When my husband’s mother told me how ‘stupid’ my grandfather was (she never met him), or would criticize me, my family, my pets, my car, etc., my husband told me I needed to understand her, or that she simply didn’t know any better.  His sisters have not once in the almost twenty years of our relationship acknowledged their mother mistreated me.  They, too, don’t believe how devious their mother can be, instead believing her to be only sweet & naive.

Why does this happen?  Are people afraid of a narcissistic rage if they disagree with the narcissist?  Do survival instincts kick in, & people look to placate the more dangerous person for their own protection, while ignoring the fact the safer person has been mistreated?   Or, is it something about the victim that says, “Sure, it’s ok- I don’t matter.  It’s fine to treat me any old way you like!”  After all, when you’ve been the victim of a narcissist, you are accustomed to being mistreated.  Maybe some people unconsciously pick up on that, & assume you don’t object to how you’re being treated.  Or, could they see you as the stronger, healthier person, more able to be the mature one in this situation?  Whatever the reason or reasons, it is so wrong!  God doesn’t defend abuse, & neither should anyone else!  True, Godly love wants what is best for people, & abuse isn’t in anyone’s best interest!  Not the innocent victim, nor the abusive person, determined to inflict pain.  What is best for everyone is to treat each other with gentleness, love, understanding, wisdom & patience

Psychology fascinates me, so I can’t help wondering about this.  What do you think?  I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this topic.