Tomorrow, Christmas eve, would’ve been my 24th wedding anniversary, if I had stayed married to my ex husband.
The day always brings some conflicting feelings. Mostly, I am grateful I was able to get away from him, as he was a narcissist who treated me much like my narcissistic mother used to treat me. I can’t imagine how bad things would’ve been for me if I had stayed with him. Chances are good that I would have killed myself if we had stayed together. I was that depressed with him.
It also makes me sad though, when I think of how damaged I was back then. I knew marrying him was a mistake, which is why I had broken up with him a few months prior. Yet I still allowed him to talk me into marrying him anyway. I married him instead of continuing to date someone who I really enjoyed being with, because I believed my ex when he made me feel guilty for leaving him, & like I owed it to him to marry him for hurting him so badly.
It’s amazing the things that a child of a narcissist will do, isn’t it?
I’m sharing this embarrassing bit of information about myself with you today for a reason. I’m sure you too have things in your past that you regret. Bad choices made out of dysfunction, pain or even desperation to be loved. I want you to know that you’re not alone! You have nothing to be ashamed of! Mistakes like mine are a normal part of being raised by a narcissistic mother. You grow up so dysfunctional because all of your growing up years, you were told you were a horrible, stupid, ugly, selfish, etc. etc. person. You were blamed for things that weren’t your fault, & made to be responsible for things no child should be responsible for, such as her mother’s emotions. Things like this cause a tremendous amount of damage that permeates your innermost being well into adulthood. It is completely normal!
Please don’t do like I did for many years. I beat myself up for being so stupid & marrying someone I didn’t love, for falling for all of his manipulations, for being so starved for love that I believed him when he said he loved me, for ignoring my instincts that told me to stay far from him & for passing up a good man for a narcissistic one. I asked myself so many times how I could be so stupid, basically continuing the beating up of my self-esteem that both my mother & ex-husband started. It was wrong & cruel, & I showed myself no understanding or compassion. Don’t make that same mistake! You deserve so much better than that!
While yes, you have made mistakes & done dumb things, everyone has! No one is immune from making mistakes in their life, especially someone raised by a narcissistic mother. Show yourself some compassion & realize that you have been through some damaging things- it’s only natural you have made mistakes.
Also remember, God loves you & forgives you. If He forgives you, how can you not forgive yourself?
Be gentle & understanding with yourself, Dear Reader. You deserve it. xoxo