Adult Child Of A Narcissistic Mother, Be Compassionate With Yourself!

Tomorrow, Christmas eve, would’ve been my 24th wedding anniversary, if I had stayed married to my ex husband.

The day always brings some conflicting feelings.  Mostly, I am grateful I was able to get away from him, as he was a narcissist who treated me much like my narcissistic mother used to treat me.  I can’t imagine how bad things would’ve been for me if I had stayed with him.  Chances are good that I would have killed myself if we had stayed together.  I was that depressed with him.

It also makes me sad though, when I think of how damaged I was back then.  I knew marrying him was a mistake, which is why I had broken up with him a few months prior.  Yet I still allowed him to talk me into marrying him anyway.  I married him instead of continuing to date someone who I really enjoyed being with, because I believed my ex when he made me feel guilty for leaving him, & like I owed it to him to marry him for hurting him so badly.

It’s amazing the things that a child of a narcissist will do, isn’t it?

I’m sharing this embarrassing bit of information about myself with you today for a reason.  I’m sure you too have things in your past that you regret.  Bad choices made out of dysfunction, pain or even desperation to be loved.  I want you to know that you’re not alone!  You have nothing to be ashamed of! Mistakes like mine are a normal part of being raised by a narcissistic mother.  You grow up so dysfunctional because all of your growing up years, you were told you were a horrible, stupid, ugly, selfish, etc. etc. person.  You were blamed for things that weren’t your fault, & made to be responsible for things no child should be responsible for, such as her mother’s emotions.  Things like this cause a tremendous amount of damage that permeates your innermost being well into adulthood.  It is completely normal!

Please don’t do like I did for many years.  I beat myself up for being so stupid & marrying someone I didn’t love, for falling for all of his manipulations, for being so starved for love that I believed him when he said he loved me, for ignoring my instincts that told me to stay far from him & for passing up a good man for a narcissistic one.  I asked myself so many times how I could be so stupid, basically continuing the beating up of my self-esteem that both my mother & ex-husband started.  It was wrong & cruel, & I showed myself no understanding or compassion.  Don’t make that same mistake!  You deserve so much better than that!

While yes, you have made mistakes & done dumb things, everyone has!  No one is immune from making mistakes in their life, especially someone raised by a narcissistic mother.  Show yourself some compassion & realize that you have been through some damaging things- it’s only natural you have made mistakes.

Also remember, God loves you & forgives you.  If He forgives you, how can you not forgive yourself?

Be gentle & understanding with yourself, Dear Reader.  You deserve it.  xoxo

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6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Adult Child Of A Narcissistic Mother, Be Compassionate With Yourself!

  1. I’m glad you are sharing your story. Married on Christmas Eve…wow. I know such a similar turn of events-marrying someone for fear of hurting them…Needing to please and fix everything just perfectly, lest we cause unhappiness and wrath. I’ve been out for two years now…learning to love oneself after abuse is a great journey. God bless you💜

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    • Thank you so much. 🙂 Ironically, being married on Christmas eve was his idea, yet he forgot our anniversary each year! lol.

      Wow, so you married for the same reasons? Thank God you got out too! And you’re so right, it is a great journey! Lots of ups & downs.

      God bless you, too! xoxo

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      • Oh my! I had wanted to marry on winter solstice….he disagreed with anything I desired to do…Guess which holiday we married near???? Groundhog Day! The first Saturday after Groundhog Day lol! He walked out on us on Christmas Eve….I guess he was just a pig😳

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  2. LOL!!! Thank you…the last line of your post made me giggle! I would guess your assessment of him is accurate too! lol.

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  3. Margaret Morris

    Thanks Cynthia for sharing your mistakes with everyone. How many of us have made heaps of mistakes in our lives? I bet everyone with a narcissistic parent has. Not beating yourself up is really difficult. People who have “normal” parents surely have no idea what we go through.

    I have found my cousins have absolutely no concept of how their “so called wonderful aunty” actually treats my brother and I. Just recently my brother confessed to one cousin about the abuse my mother has dished out and she was gobsmacked and had a hard time believing him.

    Isn’t it amazing that other people, including other relatives, not the direct children of the narcissistic parent, have massive trouble believing the truth about that person?

    At this time of the year we all need peace and happiness. I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas and successful New Year. You, especially, Cynthia have a lovely Christmas. You have helped me so much with your posts. Keep up the excellent work because it is appreciated.
    Cheers from Australia,
    Margaret

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    • I’m sure you’re right Margaret. Everyone has made plenty of mistakes, but children of narcissistic parents, I would think, have made more due to the dysfunctional thinking we were raised with. But, beating ourselves up isn’t a good thing, as hard as it is to avoid. Caught myself doing that this morning, thinking about my former anniversary today. *sigh*

      I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s truly sad how few people grasp how dangerous the narcissist really is! Not to mention frustrating & hurtful when they shoot you down, because she can’t possibly be all that bad, she’s nice to me, & other sorry comments.

      Do you remember the verse where Jesus says a prophet isn’t without honor except in his home? It’s truly the same way for adult children of narcissists, I believe. I have lovely fans like yourself who I’ve never met in person, yet understand & don’t accuse me of exaggerating, not letting go of the past, etc. but people close to me have said things like that & more.

      Thank you for your kind post, as always Margaret! & may you have a wonderful Christmas too!

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