I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts. Admittedly, growing up with narcissistic parents, you learn early in life not to do so, I certainly did, but as an adult, you need to learn to trust them. Your intuition won’t steer you wrong! I believe it’s the Holy Spirit guiding us gently, not some weird psychic power, & the Holy Spirit needs to be acknowledged! Learning to listen to your instincts can help you in so many ways & make your life much easier.
For months now, I have been feeling it’s time to go no contact with my narcissistic parents. After our big argument last May, I realized I was done with them. But, I haven’t been able to say the words. Something in me was making it impossible to take that step. Why was simply beyond me. I had gone no contact with my mother in 2001 for 7 years, so what was the problem? I was sure since I have done it before, I could do it again. But something in me didn’t feel right about taking that step this time, & frankly, it hasn’t for a long time in spite of wanting to. That is why I went low contact- it was as close as I felt able to go to no contact. Honestly, it was bugging me pretty badly. I felt like I must look like a hypocrite to my readers. I encourage people who want to go no contact to take that step, but here I was, not doing it. What was wrong with me?!
I prayed again recently about it, & God gave me my answer!
My parents are currently in their late 70’s. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a couple of years ago & has a host of other serious health problems. My mother is healthy but has back problems so she needs a lot of help on a daily basis. If I went no contact at this point, it would NOT go well for me. The situation would be viewed as me abandoning my elderly, helpless parents in their time of need rather than me protecting myself from abusive people. My parents would go into the victim role. It’d be very easy to lose what little family I have left as most haven’t seen my parents’ true colors. Maybe they would turn into flying monkeys which is something I really do NOT want to deal with. I would also feel incredibly guilty. Even just wanting to take the step has made me feel guilty, so I’m sure it would be magnified if I actually did it, in spite of knowing it’s in the best interest of my physical & mental health. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to cope with that guilt.
God was quite adamant with me during this prayer about not being the one to initiate no contact, just keep my distance & only deal with my parents if I feel able. (Well, I should say my father since my mother still hasn’t spoken to me since the night of our fight.) My behavior will push them away naturally. I have no more trouble calling them out on bad, hurtful, abusive behavior (which is what started the fight) or setting boundaries. My parents can’t handle such things from me, so this has been pushing them away for a while now, but even more since that fight.
My point in all of this is I am so grateful I listened to my instincts rather than outsiders or even my own logic telling me to go no contact. If I did that, just look at the problems I could be facing right now! I thank God for guiding me! Doing things His way definitely will make my life much easier.
Please learn from me on this topic & trust your instincts too! They will not lead you wrong, even when you don’t understand what the plan is. Ask God to help you to learn to trust your instincts, to guide your words & your actions & to keep you in His perfect will for your life. You will be very blessed by doing so!
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
I agree with you.Your situation sounds like you are doing better in a ‘take it one day at a time’ mode,rather than no contact.
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Thank you Cindy! It could backfire badly if I went no contact- flying monkeys, false guilt, etc- so I guess this is the way to do it. Besides, like I said, my behavior pushes them away anyway & has for quite some time.
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Blessings on your message today, Cynthia! It was certainly just what I needed to read! Sometimes LOW instead of NO contact can be the very best choice for us. That is what I did when my elderly parents needed some care. In spite of flying monkeys flying about and being, often, obstructionistic during my long-distance trips to my hometown, I got things done FOR my parents and my absent brother as well. My parents’ complaints about me (for being independent and normal, I guess) magnified the “justification” the flying monkeys felt at the bank, the attorneys’ offices, and later the funeral home. Nothing much happens in that town, so I guess this was “cheap entertainment” for them to try to obstruct and gossip about the “errant daughter”. All through the years, I and my son (I was a single mother) drove to visit my parents about every 6-8 weeks from 4 hours away. The flying monkeys acted, with my parents’ complaints through the years, like I was “SO bad”. But, like you and others, I got the job done while NOT taking abuse from them (which, of course, added to my Dad’s wild accusations and blaming). Not pleasant, but I know I did the right things. He was beating her by this time with his cane so I helped her finally get situated in an assisted care and tried to get staff to not let him visit her alone in her room–they, of course, DID let him see her and threaten her in her own room but she didn’t live much longer anyway. The townsfolk smirked and said “Your dad sure is upset with you–haha. But I guess you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do–(frowning glares of extreme disapproval).” The flying monkeys can really be even WORSE than our Narcissists at times. But, I did it for me and for OUR family–the RIGHT things for my parents even though they did NOT “deserve” it in the earthly sense. God also guided me to do the right thing for His Will, for me and my future emotional health knowing I did the right things, and for our larger family and those friends we have who actually do matter but just will never understand. Thanks again SO much Cynthia for this validating, healthy message. Marti
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Thank you so much, Marti!! I truly appreciate everything you said!
You’re giving me hope with my parents. I know I can’t handle being around them often, but if I can do stuff online or make calls on their behalf, that’s certainly helping them while keeping my distance. I’m big on having a clear conscious & that would help. Thank you so much!
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