I saw a comment on one of my old YouTube videos I thought was rather interesting. The comment said that this person took care of her elderly abusive mother until the end of her life. She suffered health problems that didn’t run in her family as a result of dealing with their “complicated” relationship, but she is glad she didn’t abandon her like I did my parents. She went on to say that although she didn’t like my video, she said she’s glad she watched it anyway because she realized maybe she wasn’t such a terrible daughter like me after all.
Rather than simply delete the stupid comment, I left it up. It’s sort of a lesson within a lesson. The original lesson being my video, & the secondary lesson is how to deal with people like this.
This sort of comment happens all the time with adult children of narcissistic parents. The smug ignoramuses of the world think they have the right to judge how we treated our parents while they truly know nothing of our experiences. We need to be aware that this can happen & how to handle it.
To start with, I believe it’s very important to realize this is a trigger, which is why your reaction may be exceptionally emotional. Mine certainly was. I immediately felt rage & wanted to tell this person exactly what I thought of her judgmental words. I took a few moments to calm down because I recognized my strong reaction was a trigger. It reminded me of things my own family has said. If a comment like this is said to you in person or on the phone, you don’t have the luxury of taking a few minutes to calm yourself before responding as I did. Instead, take a deep breath & let it out slowly. This will calm your mind & body long enough for you to formulate a good response rather than react. Reactions in situations like this only cause more problems. You need to have a calm & calculated response instead.
It’s also important to recognize that a person saying this sort of drivel has some ulterior motive. Often they are flying monkeys, saying such idiocy to hurt you on behalf of the narcissist. They may even know the truth but say this anyway simply to hurt you because you hurt the narcissist that they idolize. In my case, I don’t know this person nor does this person know my parents. Flying monkey obviously can’t be the case. I have another idea of what her problem is though…
The commenter in my situation is, I believe, a covert narcissist or at the very least, has narcissistic tendencies. Covert narcissists will do anything they can to get the word out that they are wonderful, caring, & even martyr like. That is what this person did with me. She came across as a loving, devoted daughter who was willing to sacrifice herself & even her health for her abusive mother. She shamed me for not being a “good daughter” like she obviously was while at the same time building up her martyr image. I’m glad this person was so obvious in displaying those narcissistic tendencies because that enabled me to know how to handle the situation immediately: provide no narcissistic supply. I debated deleting the comment, but that would’ve validated to this person how mean & unreasonable I am. It also would’ve enabled her to look like the victim of my meanness, & provided narcissistic supply. Instead, I figured it best to respond simply, without emotion. I said that everyone has to do what they feel is right in their situation. I did in mine just as she did in hers. I’m not judging her so please don’t judge mine & if she can’t refrain from that, please stay off my page. Simple, to the point & calm.
Whether the person in question in these situations is a narcissist, flying monkey or just some poorly informed person with good intentions, it’s never wise to defend your actions. Somehow, that always seems to make things worse, so don’t do it! If you must say something for whatever reason, keep your comments unemotional & logical. State only the facts, not how you felt. And, ask logical questions like, “I don’t understand how you think me doing what you think I should makes any sense. Why should I subject myself to being treated so poorly?”
Lastly, always remember that God is there for you. If you don’t know what to do, ask Him for help. Even a prayer as simple as “Please help me!” can work wonders! As the adult child of a narcissistic parent, you need to know how to handle yourself when these situations arise & unfortunately, they will arise. I hope my situation has given you ideas on how to do that when the time comes.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
Great post and great response! Your wisdom in these situations is amazing and inspiring.
About 9 or 10 years ago, when I was new to the blogging world and equally new to the concept of narcissists and their flying monkies, I said something ignorant on a blog about narcissism, which attracted the attention of a particular person. I then unwittingly made things worse by apologizing and trying to explain my ignorance.
Well, that did it. This person, that I had thought was friendly, turned into a flying monkey stalked me all over the internet for the next couple of years. He was apparently googling my name and finding where I was posting comments on other people’s blogs, and then he would leave comments on those blogs telling them sick lies about me, calling me a psycho because I had been put in a mental institution by my abusers when I was a young teenager way back in the 1960s, things like that. He was vicious! Thankfully, his comments were hateful enough that most people could see that he was a narcissist flying monkey — but not all could see that, unfortunately.
I was about to give up on social media and blogging altogether, because he was finding me everywhere. Then, suddenly, everything stopped. No more stalking, and no more hater comments for me to delete off my own blog without approving. The peace was great! Maybe he got tired, or found another victim. Or maybe he had found God…
Then one of my blogger friends told me what had happened. The poor hater had died. Man, oh man. The mixed up emotions that I felt were very unsettling. I was glad not to have an online stalker hater anymore. But, I really didn’t want him to die. I just — wanted him to stop it!
I hope he got right with God before he died. The whole thing was just very, very sad. And yes, I have forgiven him. He clearly had his own demons, of which alcohol addiction was one. I believe that was why he died so young. Sad.
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aww, thank you. Just comes from practice & thanks to my family, I got plenty of practice under my belt. lol
Oh wow! What a story! It amazes me how unhinged people can be on certain topics. I always thought it was just religion & politics but apparently narcissism is also on the list. Thank God you didn’t give up because of him! I get that temptation though. When someone is that determined to harass, bully & badmouth you, you are so desperate for it to stop, giving it all up seems a very feasible option!
Very sad he died young! How old was he? I can only imagine the emotions that stirred up for you! So confusing for sure! It sounds like he truly had his own demons… he probably saw you as a convenient target for him to take his anger out on & the devil saw him as an easy tool to use to get you to stop talking about NPD.
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As an abuse survivor who chose to forgive, I have encountered harsh judgments like these from some fellow survivors.
At first, I was amazed that anyone who had endured the same suffering I did could be so cruel, would be presumptuous enough to condemn my choices rather than respecting them.
I’ve since concluded that abuse (narcissistic and otherwise) damages the victim, leaving deep scars. Those scars can cause survivors to lash out against their fellows, as if they were defending their lives. As you say, our ultimate comfort is in God. ❤
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I can believe that. Some survivors have absolutely skewed views on forgiveness & think everyone who doesn’t share their views is wrong.
What you say is so true.. abuse causes a tremendous amount of damage deep down & survivors can lash out even at other survivors
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