Tag Archives: daughter
Have you ever wondered why people so incredibly self centered as narcissists have children? I have. God showed me a couple of reasons why my parents had me, but I’ve also wondered about narcissists in general, not only my parents, have kids. I think I have figured out some of their “logic”, if you can call it that.
The narcissist who was abused or neglected as a child often has a root of shame, I believe, which is why they work so hard to convince people they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. They’re also trying to convince themselves that they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. By becoming a parent, this proves to themselves & everyone else that someone found them desirable. Someone took this big step with them, so they must be pretty fantastic, right?!
If the narcissist grew up feeling or being told she was abnormal somehow, having a child can be a way to prove to the world that she is normal. Having children is a perfectly normal step for many people, so if she can have a child, it proves to her & other people that she must be normal.
Children are also made to make their narcissistic parent look good, & we know all narcissists are obsessed with appearances. If the narcissistic parent can mold their child into whatever she wants the child to be, that parent can then take credit for the child’s talents, successes, good looks or anything. And, if this child is perfect, he or she will prove to the narcissistic parent that her abusive parents were wrong about her, that she really isn’t bad or unlovable as her parents told her she was.
This “perfect” child also can gain the narcissistic parent attention for being such a wonderful parent as to raise this perfect little human being. People notice exceptional children, so as long as this child is perfect, the narcissistic parent will lap up all of the praise & admiration she receives for her amazing parenting skills. What the narcissistic parent fails to realize is that no child is perfect, & expecting the child to be is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on the child. Trying to meet impossibly high standards creates a great amount of anxiety in anyone, but especially a child who just wants his or her parent’s love.
Often, if two narcissists have children together, one will take the main role in raising the child. That parent gets to enjoy being in control in this capacity as well as looking self-sacrificing & martyr like by doing everything all by herself with virtually no help from the other parent.
Because children need their parents, this also feeds the narcissistic parent’s narcissism. They rely on their child’s dependency because it makes them feel valuable & good to be needed. They don’t take into consideration that at some point, that child is going to grow up & move on. It’s as if that thought isn’t even a possibility to the narcissistic parent, so when that happens, they feel betrayed by their child. How dare that child do something normal by growing up! Doesn’t the child know that their role is to stay a child as long as the parent wants?!
Some parents also have children because they foolishly believe that will repair their relationship or force the partner to stay with them so they can raise the child together. They mistakenly believe that if they have a child together, their partner will start treating them right or love them more, when nothing could be further from the truth.
Along those lines, the narcissist who was abused as a child may think that having a baby will fix her relationship with her abusive parents. She may think no grandparent couldn’t love their grandchild, so if she gives her parents a grandchild, she finally may have her parents’ love.
There are countless reasons people want to start a family, but when it comes to narcissists, you can be sure all of their reasons will be unhealthy. They will be entirely self-serving to the narcissist, & the child will suffer because of it.
Although I didn’t write a specific Mother’s Day post this year, I was thinking of everyone & praying for you. I hope the day was a good one for all of you, in spite of your narcissistic mother!
I found some humor in the day. The IFC channel showed “Mommie Dearest” over & over all day long.. guessing someone who thought of this has a bad or narcissistic mom.
I noticed my stats for this blog, & as usual, lots of people read my posts on the day. It’s really sad, isn’t it? So many people suffer on what should be a lovely day.
It’s hard to know what to do on Mother’s Day when you have a narcissistic mother, isn’t it? I’ve done many things, such as spend time with my furkids, go out to lunch with hubby, feel sad that my mother & I have such a lousy relationship, watch horror movies & yes, even watch “Mommie Dearest” today. As a child, I spent the day with my mother, made her cards & other little gifts.
I think what is important is to do whatever feels right to you. Some may feel the need to grieve their bad relationship with their narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day while others prefer to focus on doing something fun with their own children. Some celebrate the ladies in their lives who have been good role models for them, others choose to ignore the day completely.
I really don’t see anything wrong with any of those options. You need to do what you feel in your heart is right for you. Coping with the pain of having a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. There is no one size fits all solution, either. Do what feels right to you, that gives you comfort, & ignore what anyone else has to say. Self care is vital to your mental health, especially on one of the hardest days of the year.
Mother’s Day is fast approaching. It is possibly the least favorite day of the year for children of narcissistic parents. It’s so hard to find just the right card- something nice, but not too nice as you can’t stand giving her a card thanking her for always being there for you, for her unfailing love, etc. Then there is the gift- should you get her something? If so, what? Chances are she won’t like what you give her anyway, so is a gift even worth it? And, we can’t forget the messages everywhere- on facebook, in stores, online- that say “Don’t forget your mother this Mother’s Day!” (as if we could forget her?!), “She’s always been there for you- give her *fill in the blank* for Mother’s Day!” & other such messages about how great Mom really is. There are also friends & family who tell you that you should do something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day. After all, if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t be here! She did the best she could! She’s your MOTHER!!! Can’t you just give her this one day?!
Mother’s day pretty much sucks for us who have narcissistic mothers.
If you too are dreading tomorrow, just know that you’re not alone! Many others share your feelings of this disturbing day.
I would like to encourage you to take care of yourself as best you can. Do what you feel you need to regarding your mother. Give her a simple card &/or gift, or do nothing for her- whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. If you aren’t sure, pray. God will guide you as to what is the best way to handle this. Once you have done what you need to do for your mother, then let go of thinking about the day & take care of yourself. If you have children, celebrate with them. If not, enjoy your day however you see fit- go to a spa, buy the new book you’ve been wanting, spend the day at a museum. Do something that you enjoy & that doesn’t involve anything to do with your narcissistic mother.
This may sound disrespectful to you, especially if you are new to learning about narcissism, but rest assured, it’s not. Remember, people reap what they sow. Reaping & sowing a law of the universe- if you plant cantaloupe seeds, you get a harvest of cantaloupe, right? It’s the same thing with behavior. If you kick a dog every time every time he comes near you, he learns to run the other way when he sees you coming. Adult children of narcissistic parents eventually behave much like that kicked dog- we eventually don’t want to spend time with our parents & will go to great lengths to avoid it. It’s often not even a deliberate decision- it just seems to happen because we’re tired of the cruelty. That is your narcissistic mother reaping what she has sown.
So I encourage you- enjoy Mother’s Day your way, guilt-free! What can you do to make it a good day for you?
Good morning, Dear Readers!
Again, thank you so much to every one of you who has prayed for me & shown me concern these past 10 days. My father is now home to recover after a caifoplasty (I think it was called?) yesterday to repair a compression fracture on his spine. I took him home last night & he was moving much better already. 🙂
These past 10 days have been brutal. My father went into the hospital with this terrible back pain at 3 a.m. on Tuesday the 9th, then quickly had a bad reaction to the morphine & was delirious for several days. They weren’t sure at first if it was pain, meds or what making him delirious, but thankfully figured out it was the morphine. No more morphine for him! EVER! I warned him never again- I’m not happy with him calling me Mom! lol
Those of you with a narcissistic mother can imagine the “fun” this has been. As if the drama with my father’s health wasn’t enough, she managed to turn everything around on her. Even yesterday, the day he had an operation on his spine, my mother still turned everything around on her. Amazing!! Absolutely amazing!! & not in a good way! By the time I got home, much later than expected mind you, I was in tears of anger & frustration. Not to mention anxiety because I spent the entire day at the hospital- not good for the agoraphobia. My husband, bless his heart, listened to me tell all of the day’s awful events. He also said, “I have seen the light! I really get it now about your mother! I am so sorry!!” Thank God!! I can’t put into words how grateful I am for that. My husband is accustomed to his own narcissistic parents, & due to his upbringing, always