Tag Archives: daughter
Have you ever wondered why people so incredibly self centered as narcissists have children? I have. God showed me a couple of reasons why my parents had me, but I’ve also wondered about narcissists in general, not only my parents, have kids. I think I have figured out some of their “logic”, if you can call it that.
The narcissist who was abused or neglected as a child often has a root of shame, I believe, which is why they work so hard to convince people they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. They’re also trying to convince themselves that they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. By becoming a parent, this proves to themselves & everyone else that someone found them desirable. Someone took this big step with them, so they must be pretty fantastic, right?!
If the narcissist grew up feeling or being told she was abnormal somehow, having a child can be a way to prove to the world that she is normal. Having children is a perfectly normal step for many people, so if she can have a child, it proves to her & other people that she must be normal.
Children are also made to make their narcissistic parent look good, & we know all narcissists are obsessed with appearances. If the narcissistic parent can mold their child into whatever she wants the child to be, that parent can then take credit for the child’s talents, successes, good looks or anything. And, if this child is perfect, he or she will prove to the narcissistic parent that her abusive parents were wrong about her, that she really isn’t bad or unlovable as her parents told her she was.
This “perfect” child also can gain the narcissistic parent attention for being such a wonderful parent as to raise this perfect little human being. People notice exceptional children, so as long as this child is perfect, the narcissistic parent will lap up all of the praise & admiration she receives for her amazing parenting skills. What the narcissistic parent fails to realize is that no child is perfect, & expecting the child to be is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on the child. Trying to meet impossibly high standards creates a great amount of anxiety in anyone, but especially a child who just wants his or her parent’s love.
Often, if two narcissists have children together, one will take the main role in raising the child. That parent gets to enjoy being in control in this capacity as well as looking self-sacrificing & martyr like by doing everything all by herself with virtually no help from the other parent.
Because children need their parents, this also feeds the narcissistic parent’s narcissism. They rely on their child’s dependency because it makes them feel valuable & good to be needed. They don’t take into consideration that at some point, that child is going to grow up & move on. It’s as if that thought isn’t even a possibility to the narcissistic parent, so when that happens, they feel betrayed by their child. How dare that child do something normal by growing up! Doesn’t the child know that their role is to stay a child as long as the parent wants?!
Some parents also have children because they foolishly believe that will repair their relationship or force the partner to stay with them so they can raise the child together. They mistakenly believe that if they have a child together, their partner will start treating them right or love them more, when nothing could be further from the truth.
Along those lines, the narcissist who was abused as a child may think that having a baby will fix her relationship with her abusive parents. She may think no grandparent couldn’t love their grandchild, so if she gives her parents a grandchild, she finally may have her parents’ love.
There are countless reasons people want to start a family, but when it comes to narcissists, you can be sure all of their reasons will be unhealthy. They will be entirely self-serving to the narcissist, & the child will suffer because of it.
Although I didn’t write a specific Mother’s Day post this year, I was thinking of everyone & praying for you. I hope the day was a good one for all of you, in spite of your narcissistic mother!
I found some humor in the day. The IFC channel showed “Mommie Dearest” over & over all day long.. guessing someone who thought of this has a bad or narcissistic mom.
I noticed my stats for this blog, & as usual, lots of people read my posts on the day. It’s really sad, isn’t it? So many people suffer on what should be a lovely day.
It’s hard to know what to do on Mother’s Day when you have a narcissistic mother, isn’t it? I’ve done many things, such as spend time with my furkids, go out to lunch with hubby, feel sad that my mother & I have such a lousy relationship, watch horror movies & yes, even watch “Mommie Dearest” today. As a child, I spent the day with my mother, made her cards & other little gifts.
I think what is important is to do whatever feels right to you. Some may feel the need to grieve their bad relationship with their narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day while others prefer to focus on doing something fun with their own children. Some celebrate the ladies in their lives who have been good role models for them, others choose to ignore the day completely.
I really don’t see anything wrong with any of those options. You need to do what you feel in your heart is right for you. Coping with the pain of having a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. There is no one size fits all solution, either. Do what feels right to you, that gives you comfort, & ignore what anyone else has to say. Self care is vital to your mental health, especially on one of the hardest days of the year.
Mother’s Day is fast approaching. It is possibly the least favorite day of the year for children of narcissistic parents. It’s so hard to find just the right card- something nice, but not too nice as you can’t stand giving her a card thanking her for always being there for you, for her unfailing love, etc. Then there is the gift- should you get her something? If so, what? Chances are she won’t like what you give her anyway, so is a gift even worth it? And, we can’t forget the messages everywhere- on facebook, in stores, online- that say “Don’t forget your mother this Mother’s Day!” (as if we could forget her?!), “She’s always been there for you- give her *fill in the blank* for Mother’s Day!” & other such messages about how great Mom really is. There are also friends & family who tell you that you should do something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day. After all, if it weren’t for her, you wouldn’t be here! She did the best she could! She’s your MOTHER!!! Can’t you just give her this one day?!
Mother’s day pretty much sucks for us who have narcissistic mothers.
If you too are dreading tomorrow, just know that you’re not alone! Many others share your feelings of this disturbing day.
I would like to encourage you to take care of yourself as best you can. Do what you feel you need to regarding your mother. Give her a simple card &/or gift, or do nothing for her- whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. If you aren’t sure, pray. God will guide you as to what is the best way to handle this. Once you have done what you need to do for your mother, then let go of thinking about the day & take care of yourself. If you have children, celebrate with them. If not, enjoy your day however you see fit- go to a spa, buy the new book you’ve been wanting, spend the day at a museum. Do something that you enjoy & that doesn’t involve anything to do with your narcissistic mother.
This may sound disrespectful to you, especially if you are new to learning about narcissism, but rest assured, it’s not. Remember, people reap what they sow. Reaping & sowing a law of the universe- if you plant cantaloupe seeds, you get a harvest of cantaloupe, right? It’s the same thing with behavior. If you kick a dog every time every time he comes near you, he learns to run the other way when he sees you coming. Adult children of narcissistic parents eventually behave much like that kicked dog- we eventually don’t want to spend time with our parents & will go to great lengths to avoid it. It’s often not even a deliberate decision- it just seems to happen because we’re tired of the cruelty. That is your narcissistic mother reaping what she has sown.
So I encourage you- enjoy Mother’s Day your way, guilt-free! What can you do to make it a good day for you?
Good morning, Dear Readers!
Again, thank you so much to every one of you who has prayed for me & shown me concern these past 10 days. My father is now home to recover after a caifoplasty (I think it was called?) yesterday to repair a compression fracture on his spine. I took him home last night & he was moving much better already. 🙂
These past 10 days have been brutal. My father went into the hospital with this terrible back pain at 3 a.m. on Tuesday the 9th, then quickly had a bad reaction to the morphine & was delirious for several days. They weren’t sure at first if it was pain, meds or what making him delirious, but thankfully figured out it was the morphine. No more morphine for him! EVER! I warned him never again- I’m not happy with him calling me Mom! lol
Those of you with a narcissistic mother can imagine the “fun” this has been. As if the drama with my father’s health wasn’t enough, she managed to turn everything around on her. Even yesterday, the day he had an operation on his spine, my mother still turned everything around on her. Amazing!! Absolutely amazing!! & not in a good way! By the time I got home, much later than expected mind you, I was in tears of anger & frustration. Not to mention anxiety because I spent the entire day at the hospital- not good for the agoraphobia. My husband, bless his heart, listened to me tell all of the day’s awful events. He also said, “I have seen the light! I really get it now about your mother! I am so sorry!!” Thank God!! I can’t put into words how grateful I am for that. My husband is accustomed to his own narcissistic parents, & due to his upbringing, always tried to make excuses for or defend my mother. I think that is a thing of the past now. God is truly good- I never expected that to happen!
After I took my father home, I had to leave fast. One of my cats has diabetes & a couple of other health issues, & I’ve found testing his glucose & giving him an insulin injection when needed at about 5 p.m. works well for us, usually keeping his glucose levels pretty stable. By the time I got my father home, it was already 7:30! I told my parents I need to go- Pretty Boy is late for his insulin. My mother kept dragging her feet, pretending she didn’t hear me or coming up with reasons I needed to stay. I ended up pretty much walking out on her. *sigh* She didn’t care that my boy needed help, my husband wasn’t home yet from work & couldn’t take care of him- I had to go. It was maddening!!
The icing on the cake was when I was walking out the door. My mother gave me a hug & said “I love you. You’re doing such a good job!” Maybe with a normal, non-narcissistic parent, this would be a nice thing to say. However… with a narcissistic parent, this made me very angry. The only time my mother tells me she loves me, is proud of me or other such positive things is when I’m doing what she wants me to do, as she wants me to do it. I could count on one hand how many times my mother has said those type of things to me in the last 25 years. Maybe even 30 years.
It was just so maddening!! The only time I’m worthy of any praise, even just a small amount, is when I’m doing her will?! Really?! Never mind I’ve run a non-profit organization designed to help people with depressive disorders. Never mind my writing helps other people often (I know- I get the emails to prove it!). Never mind I’ve rescued over 25 cats since 1990 & 3 dogs who were in horrible situations. (I’m not trying to brag on myself with this information, by the way!!) None of that matters to my mother. All that matters to her is what I do for her. ARGH!!!! It’s not that I’m after her approval- I’ve accepted that I’ll never have it. Even so, the reminders of this fact still hurt. Reminders like this show me, yet again, that I’m not even human to her. That I am simply a tool to be used when needed, according to my mother. I don’t matter to her, nor do my needs, wants, feelings or even my furkids as she showed me so clearly last night. It hurts!!
I guess my point of sharing all of this (aside from venting) is to let you know, Dear Readers, I really do understand. I understand your frustration with your narcissistic mother. I understand your pain & hurt. I understand how aggravating it is when others don’t get it. Having a narcissistic mother is truly a lonely road!
I really hope my experiences can help you somehow to cope with your own narcissistic mother. If nothing else, I hope you realize that you truly are not alone, in spite of how it feels. I love you & am praying for you! xoxo
Good morning, Dear Readers!
Well, it isn’t really a good morning for me. I really do want to keep my posts as encouraging & as positive as I can, but I also promised you readers that I would also be real. That means some posts won’t be all happy & positive. This post is going to be one of those. In fact, I was going to write it only in my journal, but I felt I should write it in here. Maybe someone needs to read this today. It’ll probably be pretty long, longer than normal at least, so get yourself comfortable if you want to read this.. lol
The last few days have been really rough, & the C-PTSD is flaring up badly as of yesterday. My head is simply swimming. To start with, our little American Eskimo dog, Dixie, has been sick. Thankfully, she is well on her way to recovery now, but not recognizing her symptoms at first terrified me. My pets are like my children, so when they are sick, I get extremely concerned. Then my husband’s mother went into the hospital a couple of days ago. I’m not sure she didn’t put herself there for attention, to be completely honest about it. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that. I think it was last year just before Christmas my husband told me she said that she quit taking her meds for a few days prior to going into the hospital. Yep, I love narcissists.. NOT. *sigh*
And, as the icing on this crappy cake, my husband & I saw my parents yesterday.
Recently, my parents bought a new chair. Once it was delivered, my mother decided she didn’t like it, & wanted to exchange it for another one. She called to ask if my husband would mind picking it up with his truck, as she didn’t want to pay another $80 delivery charge. He said he’d be fine with doing it Saturday (yesterday). So Friday, I said I should call her to be sure of what time to meet my parents at the furniture store. He volunteered to make the call instead, which was fine with me at the time. Now, I’m not happy he did this at all & that will not be happening again as I have learned a painful lesson. Although I have told him many times, do NOT say anything about our furkids or his parents to my parents other than everyone is “fine”, he told my mother Dixie was sick & probably needed to see the vet in the morning, & also that his mother was in the hospital so we couldn’t make it a long visit. If my mother hears anything other than FINE about any of them, I will end up very angry with either her nasty comments about my furkids, or fake concern over my in-laws. The fake concern hurts me very badly, because she knows perfectly well I haven’t spoken to my in-laws since 2002 because of how cruelly my narcissistic mother in-law has treated me. And a side note here- I asked God once why my mother does this. He showed me that my mother thinks my in-laws have a perfect life- been married 60+ years, financially comfortable, nice home in a nice area, their children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren visit them often. She fails to see the mountains of dysfunction in their family, only what looks good on the outside. My mother, being a narcissist & naturally overly concerned with appearances, wants to impress them. By me refusing to tolerate my mother in-law’s abusive ways, I’ve embarrassed my mother. In return, she wants to hurt me as much as possible by showing concern for them, as well as showing them even though I’m a “terrible person,” at least she isn’t bad like me. She is good enough to care about them even if I don’t. This is also why she has sent them Christmas cards since I first told her how cruel the mother in-law is. Amazing what goes on in the mind of a narcissist..
Back to the original topic..
The visit started at the furniture store. My mother sat in the car, & my father approached us in hubby’s truck. He handed hubby a booklet about county services for seniors I’d given my parents a couple of months ago. He said it was because hubby’s parents probably needed it. Really? Hubby told my father no, they’re fine- my parents need it. My father said my mother thought they needed it more, so they should have it. Hubby grabbed the booklet & spoke to my mother, telling her SHE needs this, his parents are taken care of. I heard snippets of their conversation- she kept changing the subject, showing concern for his mother being in the hospital. ARGH! So while this happened, my father & I walked into the customer service area & gave them the receipt. We waited a few minutes for him to bring the chair outside for us, & chatted. Finally we were loaded up & ready to go. I moved the truck over to beside my mother’s car to get it out of the way. My mother said hi to me, I ignored her & waited for hubby.
At my parents’ house, my mother asked me how Dixie was. i said fine. She said “Oh? Your dad said she was really sick.” I said nothing further. (I feel somewhat bad about that, because knowing her, she’ll jump on my father for lying to her even though he wasn’t lying. But, not trying to be vengeful here, he has no problems throwing me under the bus with my mother. Why should I feel bad that I inadvertently did the same to him once, yanno?) So she then talked to hubby about his mother. I continued ignoring her, but was stewing inside. How dare she?! Plus i was also angry hubby told her about Dixie when I have said many times mention NOTHING about her or the cats to my mother.
My husband, father & I assembled the chair. While working on it, my mother brought out a plate of cookies & demanded we all eat one. I refused. All my life, my mother has insulted what I eat, how much I do or don’t eat, demanded I eat what she wants when she wants me to & ridiculed me for being fat no matter how little I may weigh. When she tells me to eat something now, I refuse in order to set a boundary. Plus, the emotional flashbacks I get make me feel like I did at around 10 years old when her abuse regarding food was so bad that I became anorexic then later bulimic: terrified of her anger if I didn’t do as was told or take her criticisms with a smile, angry, like I am too hideous & disgusting to live. This feels HORRIBLE & it makes me angry that at 43 years old, I quickly can revert to feeling like I did as a child.
Finally, the chair was done, & we were ready to leave. As I said goodbye to my father, my mother spoke to my husband about his parents again, feigning such great concern for their well-being. I could feel the anger inside me bubbling by this point. Then, as I moved to say goodbye to her before my head exploded, she said “Wait a minute.” My mother went into another room & came back with a plate of cookies & a get well card for my mother in-law!! She handed them to hubby. I was in shock at this point. She then hugged us both & told me she loved me as we left. I practically ran to the truck. I also realized when she has been especially cruel to me recently, she always says she loves me. No other times. In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times she has said that in the last 30 years until this behavior began recently.
I cannot put into words how hurt I am by this whole episode. I know my mother is extremely angry with me because I set boundaries with her early last month. (See this blog entry) I’ve been expecting a narcissistic rage because of that as I mentioned in that post, which meant I was expecting her to say excessively cruel, hurtful things to me in a public place. But this betrayal & flaunting it? And to top it off, my husband basically handed her the weapon on a silver platter & doesn’t understand why I’m upset?
I am just depressed, hurt & angry today. I feel so alone in this situation, & am so tired of feeling that way. I can’t talk to my husband about it since he doesn’t really understand. I can’t talk to my father- he’s got his own concerns with how cruel she is to him, & those concerns are very valid. He also won’t speak on my behalf to my mother. I also feel like I don’t matter. Again. I am so tired of this feeling! My mother made me feel this way growing up. Being a typical malignant narcissist, I was only there to be an extension of her, meet her needs & please her. I wasn’t to “bother” her with having needs or feelings. Growing up, things haven’t really improved with her in that area. My husband’s invalidating “I wouldn’t give it any credence” comment about my mother’s actions yesterday have made me feel the same “I don’t matter” feeling. I’m so tired of it!!!
I’m also incredibly frustrated. Something must be done with my mother, but I am too frazzled at this moment to figure out what. If I speak up about her “Caring” about my mother in-law, it’ll feed her- she will be sure to show more concern for her just because she knows exactly how much it hurts me. If I remain quiet, she will show more concern to be sure she is getting to me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t… So, I need to pray about how to handle this after I feel better.
Right now, I’m wallowing in the self-pity place. I know this all too well, & I don’t like it at all. But, I have learned some things since I’ve been here so many times in my life: this place is necessary, & it doesn’t last forever.
So many people will tell you things like “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” but sometimes you need to wallow for a bit, to feel sorry for yourself because you have been through something very painful. I think of it as feeling compassion for yourself. If someone told me what I just told you, my heart would break for them. I would want to tell them everything will be fine & somehow make it better if I could. So why not have that same compassion for myself?
I also think that the self-pity times allow us to process painful things, & we need to process painful things! Sweeping things under the rug or ignoring the pain they cause do no good at all! In fact, ignoring things can cause a great deal of harm. I never really dealt with the abuse I endured until I was around 30 years old. By the time I was 41, I developed full blown C-PTSD after living with many of the symptoms my whole life. I wonder if I had been able to deal with things earlier, if I would have C-PTSD now. Not dealing with things also can cause physical problems such as arthritis, heart problems, ulcers, high blood pressure, & much more.
If you made it this far, God bless you! Thank you for listening to me rant & rave. I hope somehow you were able to glean something helpful from this post.
I’m revising this post only slightly…..
I saw yesterday that the card my mother gave my husband for his mother wasn’t in a sealed envelope- the flap was just pushed in. Seemed odd to me, but I figured that meant my mother wanted me to read it. Knowing her, that just made sense in her dysfunctional little world. So, I finally gave in a few minutes ago. This is the card- nothing has been altered at all. This shows just how hell bent my mother is to hurt me- she is sending a nicer card to someone she can’t stand than she has ever sent to me. I honestly don’t even know if she’s ever given me a get well card…
Good morning, Dear Readers!
It looks like my caregiving days are over with my parents. My mother called me the other day & told me how my father’s health has suddenly taken a turn for the better. He was doing a little light yard work & other things. She asked him if he could resume doing the laundry (she claims her back is too bad to carry the laundry or maneuver those basement steps). She told me he said sure, he can do it, so I don’t need to come by on Sundays anymore.
I’ve been fired! lol
I’m not sure I believe that my father is suddenly doing so much better than he was. It hasn’t even been one month since he had that mild stroke. He’s had really bad dizzy spells & weakness since.
I have a theory on his sudden “miraculous healing.” My mother would rather make him suffer (she knows he won’t disobey her) than respect the boundaries I put up last Sunday.
As I mentioned before, I told my parents last Sunday that I have arthritis in my knees & climbing their basement steps to do their laundry in addition to doing my own thing hurt me. Going in, I knew it would, but didn’t expect it to be as bad as it was. This meant I wasn’t sure how reliable I was going to be in my helping them (when dealing with this situation with a narcissist, turn it around to how it affects them!). My mother has said for years now she wants her washer & dryer moved upstairs, yet has continually dragged her feet on accomplishing this task. I offered to help clear the spot where she wants them, & help get this task done. She said she couldn’t do it, had (lame) reasons why, & deflected off the topic. (When my husband spoke to her on the topic, she even brought out the crocodile tears!) When I said my knees were bad, she shut me out entirely, so I spoke with my father on the topic. I said if they won’t get the washer & dryer upstairs, then I have a number for the county. A social worker will come & evaluate their needs, & let them know what sort of help they qualify for. Even if they don’t qualify, I have more numbers for home health care aides who aren’t very pricey. My parents don’t need much help, so it wouldn’t cost much at all for a little help. My father was all for either solution, & since my mother wouldn’t listen to me, he said he would talk to her. Apparently he did…
When my mother called on Friday, she said my father told her I have bad knees & asked skeptically, “Is that even true?” WHAT?! I told her yes, & as I’ve said many times, I’ve had arthritis in my knees since 2002 when I was 31. She asked if the doctor was talking knee replacement, & I said I haven’t seen a doctor in years about it because I don’t have insurance. She then told me how if I would just lose weight, it’d help. I was shaking at this point due to an emotional flashback. Growing up, my mother was so hard on me about being “fat” (even though I wasn’t), I developed anorexia when I was about 10 & it later morphed into bulimia which I lived with into my teens. At 43 years old, I was shaking with fear & anger just like I did as a child, waiting for her to say the terrible shaming things she used to say to me about how fat & gross I am. Thankfully, it didn’t happen. Instead, she went on to tell me how much worse others in her family have it with their knees & how a knee replacement is no big deal (bet she’d feel differently if she had one!). The rest of the conversation was not any better. Constant snarky, cruel comments followed, criticizing all kinds of things about me. The volume of the criticisms was impressive, even by my mother’s legendary standards.
This is my mother’s new narcissistic rage. Gone are the days of her screaming in my face, calling me awful, degrading names as she did when I was a teenager. Now that she is older & frailer, & I am stronger than her, she won’t do that. Instead, she uses the common weapons of narcissists- invalidation, criticism, gaslighting- as often as she possibly can work into the conversation.
Why the rage? Because I set boundaries. Rather than seeing them as me taking care of myself while also trying to take care of my parents as any emotionally healthy person would, she saw it more as me being disobedient or disrespectful to her. She is so accustomed to being blindly obeyed by everyone, that she simply cannot handle someone not obeying her wishes. I think the plan was for me to continue doing for my parents, & ignoring my own physical pain. She loves to be waited on, just like her mother, & she believes I owe it to her, as her mother also believed of her children & grandchildren.
Anyone who thinks their narcissistic mother will mellow with age is sadly mistaken. Yes, it can happen, but it is rarer than the spotted owl. In my personal experience plus what I have heard talking with other daughters of narcissistic mothers, they get meaner. Just because they don’t scream in your face anymore doesn’t mean they are nicer! Getting older only means their tactics change. They are still as evil & hurtful as they ever were.
On a positive note, I did get an inspiration for another blog post out of that awful phone call that I’ll share tomorrow. It’s full of good information that can help you in relating to a narcissist.
Good morning, Dear Readers!
I thought I’d share some things with you today…
I am gaining a new appreciation & respect for dreams as of late. All of my dreams seem to have some valuable message in them these days. I seldom understand them immediately, so I look up various symbols on my favorite dream interpretation site, http://www.dreammoods.com, jot notes down, ask God what it all means & wait for His answer. It comes fairly quickly & is always eye opening. God truly speaks to us via our dreams! You would be wise to start paying attention to yours as well.
I also learned something valuable Sunday while at my parents’ house. In typical narcissistic mother fashion, my mother tried to shame me for liking a couple of things she doesn’t like. Obviously, something is wrong with me because I’m different than her yanno! lol As she was making absolutely certain I knew this, a joke I absolutely love popped into my mind…
These 2 proper Southern belles were sitting on a veranda, drinking mint juleps & talking. The one said to the other,
“You see this diamond necklace? My husband gave that to me when we got married.”
The second said, “Well ain’t that nice?”
“You see this pearl bracelet? My husband gave that to me when our son was born.”
“Well ain’t that nice?”
“You see that Jaguar in the driveway? My husband gave that to me for our anniversary last week.”
“Well, ain’t that nice?”
“Speaking of anniversaries, you & your husband had one recently. What did he get you?”
“He paid for me to go to charm school.”
“Charm school? What on earth did you learn there?”
“I learned how to say well ain’t that nice instead of who gives a ****?”
As my mother was finishing up her shaming me because I said I kind of like mincemeat pie & she doesn’t, I simply said, “Well, ain’t that nice?” My mother is from PA- a northern woman through & through- so she just looked at me funny when I said that, & changed the subject immediately. My father, however, is from VA, & thoroughly Southern. He knew what that meant even though I’ve never told him that joke, so he snickered a bit. I realized saying that joke’s punchline worked very well for me. I was able to tell my mother her opinion means nothing to me in a respectful way, & she stopped that shaming thing that irritates me so badly. I’m thinking “well, ain’t that nice” is going to be said a LOT in my near future. You may want to try this one with your narcissistic mother too. 😉
Speaking of my parents, I’ve had several people ask me lately why I’m helping my parents out. Considering how poorly my mother has treated me as I’ve been helping her plus my own health issues, why even try? I thought I would answer this question here. I guess it’s because I’m my parents’ only child. They don’t have any other family they can rely on besides me. Yes, they can hire help (which I’m working on getting that going- I can do some, but more help would be very nice), but I want to at least try to help out. This has been a learning experience for me, too. I’ve come to realize I was thinking more like their child instead of their daughter, & am changing that. I’ve gotten stronger with setting/enforcing boundaries. I’m learning new ways to cope with nastiness & gaslighting (such as the “well ain’t that nice” comment). I’m also getting better at self-care out of sheer necessity. I’ve found local resources that may prove to be valuable to them as well, so while they are not in dire need of a lot of help at the moment, if, God forbid, that happens, we will know where to turn. So, as difficult as things are, at least I’m getting some good from it while providing them with the help they need.
Why is it when people hear you say something about your abusive parents, they say that YOU need to fix it rather than saying something to your abusive parents? That never fails to amaze me.
Yet again recently, I heard another comment along these lines. It was only one of MANY I’ve heard over the years, & when I thought about that, it really ticked me off. Over the years, I have heard things like, “YOU need to make things better with your parents” or, “YOU need to get into counseling so YOU can figure out how to fix things with your parents!” more times than I can count. The truth is I have tried to make things better with my parents, & even got into counseling when I was seventeen to try to figure out how to make things better with them. I have done all the work while they have done nothing.
Time & time again, I have tried talking to my parents about how their behaviors hurt me, & they don’t make any changes. They don’t listen to me enough to hear what I have said, nor care enough to change anyway. Two examples popped into my mind- I told my father that it really hurt me badly to hear him complain about my mother & their bad marriage to me. He said, “Oh ok. I’m sorry. But-” then he went on to complain about her for another forty-five minutes (I timed it). Since, he has not stopped griping about his marriage problems to me every time we spoke, aside for a short two month period after his sister spoke to him on the topic. Suddenly, he was right back at it again, though. The other example is with my mother. She insults my cats when she sees them. This one is too fat, that one too affectionate, etc. I have told her over & over again to knock it off, yet she didn’t. One day on the phone, she asked if she ever offended me with something she’s said about the cats. *sigh* I told her yes & reminded her that I’d told her to stop it. She was shocked- she claimed she had no idea I was upset, let alone said anything to her.
So please tell me – why I am the one who should do all the work on a relationship with these people?
All relationships are a two way street, whether they are friendships, romantic relationships or a parent & child relationship. Any relationship that is one sided is not healthy! Even healthy relationships may be a bit one sided sometimes, but when that is the norm? It needs to stop, otherwise anger, bitterness & resentment build up in the one who does all of the giving. That person also can lose self-esteem, because she may learn she is simply around to be used.
Don’t take those guilt trips when people tell you that you need to fix things with your abusive parent(s). I don’t, & I don’t believe I am being a bad person for it! You have every right to expect to be treated with civility & simple respect & courtesy, just like every other person. Doing all of the work in a relationship, even with a parent, is NOT civil, respectful or courteous to either person involved.
Good afternoon, Dear Readers.
I turned on my television today, & in a very short span of time, saw more ads regarding Mother’s Day than I can remember. I quickly turned it back off rather than listen to the drivel about how wonderful all mothers are, & how much they deserve jewelry & flowers on May 11th.
Since I’m hardly the only daughter of a narcissistic mother, I thought I’d write about what Mother’s Day can mean to us.
It is the day we dread most of the year, isn’t it? It certainly is for me. It’s so hard to want to celebrate your mother when she has done her best to make your life a living hell ever since you were born. Plus, you know she expects admiration, gifts & cards. Not fun. Especially when it seems like everyone thinks you should fawn all over your mother, no matter how she treats you.
Society can be so dysfunctional.
I know all too well that commandment that says we should honor our parents. However, I don’t believe it’s honorable to shower any abuser, even a parent, with insincere praise & gifts. Honoring someone God’s way means showing them respect & courtesy, not being fake. Besides, such a demonstration rewards bad behavior. It shows your mother she can do anything to you that she wants to do, & you still will pamper her. How is that honorable?
So what is a good, honorable way to handle such a difficult day with your narcissistic, abusive mother? To start with, pray. Ask God what He wants you to do, & how to handle Mother’s Day. He will give you the best advice you can ask for. Also, follow what you feel in your heart that you’re capable of doing. If it isn’t much, don’t feel bad! Any abusive mother is blessed if her adult child has any relationship with her at all, because even if she has changed for the better, child abuse causes pain & scars that last a lifetime. By having a relationship with your narcissistic mother, you’re showing what a kind, good person you are.
Whatever you do for your mother, do it with excellence. I’m not saying buy her a huge diamond ring when you barely can pay rent. What I mean is do your best even if it’s something small. Every year, I mail my mother the nicest, prettiest card I can find. I know she takes the messages to heart in cards, so I find the prettiest one I can find, with a picture I know she’ll like, & the simplest verse. Something like, “Happy Mother’s Day! Enjoy!” I’m not above finding a pretty, blank on the inside card if I can’t find one that is simple enough for my liking. I can’t feel right about giving my mother some fake, “You’re the best mom ever!” kind of card that I don’t mean. But, I’m fine with a pretty card wishing her a nice Mother’s Day. And, she seems satisfied with the cards. It works for us both.
Granted, what I do for my mother isn’t much compared to others, but I’m honestly not capable of doing more after a lifetime of abuse. I believe God prefers His children to be sincere rather than phoney. You need to remember that what you do to genuinely bless your mother, on Mother’s Day & every day, will give you peace, & God will be proud of you.
Also, don’t forget to be good to yourself on Mother’s Day! Whether you have kids or furkids like I do, you’re still a mom! Or, if you don’t have either, that’s ok- take care of yourself on a difficult day. You deserve it! 🙂
There is one last thing I feel I should share with you. I’ve often berated myself for not being a better daughter- for not calling my parents more often, or suggesting we do things together. (Usually this happens around Mother’s or Father’s Day). Sadly, I can’t make myself improve in these areas- I’ve tried! But do you know what? After praying about it, God showed me that under the circumstances, I’m not a bad daughter. My parents have abused me, & shown no remorse for it. They’re lucky I speak to them at all, & me not wanting to spend time with them is normal. They are reaping what they’ve sown. Keep this in mind regarding your situation, too. Everyone reaps what they sow, whether they sow good or bad things. I know it can be hard to remember sometimes, but remember it anyway. ❤
Here is the link… 🙂
I finished the print version of my latest book today!!! I am waiting for the proof copy to arrive so I can approve it, then the book goes onto amazon & other online book sellers. You can find it at this url:
Tomorrow, I’ll work on creating the ebook version. Will post when that is available…
Happy mother’s day to all of you!! For those of you with bad relationships with your mothers like me, I feel your pain- today is a very challenging day. One thing that helps me on this day is to remember the following verse…
Psalm 27:10 Amplified Bible (AMP)
Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].
Whether you have children or pets, or none at all, enjoy the day today! If you have a bad relationship or none at all with your mother, be gentle with yourself today. Do something nice just for you! ❤