Dealing With Critical People

Most people have little patience for the obviously foolish people, such as those people who repeatedly make poor decisions & are shocked when those poor decisions don’t turn out well for them.  The older we get & the emotionally healthier we get, it seems that tolerance gets lower & lower.  It certainly has for me.  It doesn’t take much for me to become very irritated at the obviously foolish.  One particular feature of foolishness especially irritates me though: people who are only interested in sharing their opinions while not wanting to listen to those of other people. 

The Bible even addresses this behavior specifically.  Proverbs 18:2 in the Amplified Bible says“A [closed-minded] fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his personal opinions [unwittingly displaying his self-indulgence and his stupidity].” 

This behavior is so common in society isn’t it?  It’s all over social media but also people behave this way in person.  If you have any doubts, mention your thoughts on politics.  I don’t care what your thoughts are, there will be people who tell you that not only are you wrong, but you’re foolish for thinking as you do.  If you site evidence that supports your thoughts, then your evidence will be criticized as well as where you obtained said evidence.

One very bad thing about this behavior is it can be excessively triggering for those of us who have survived narcissistic abuse.  Whether you grew up with a narcissistic parent or two, were once married to a narcissist or have had narcissistic friends, you know first hand just how critical narcissists are.  They love to pick apart every single little thing about their victims because it makes them so easy to control & manipulate.  This is clearly very traumatic for victims.  So traumatic that even years after the last episode of abuse, when someone is critical, even when that person isn’t a narcissist, it can trigger intense rage, anxiety & even flashbacks. 

Unfortunately, people like this are impossible to avoid, so you need to learn how to cope with them because at some point, you will be forced to interact with them.

The first step I have found to take is to accept that this is going to happen & ask God not only to help you accept that, but handle it when it does.  If you think you can avoid people like this, you are sadly mistaken.  That is impossible because these people truly are everywhere!  The smartest thing you can do is accept that you won’t have a choice but to encounter people like this sometimes.

This can be hard to do in the situation due to the triggering of old emotions, but if at all possible, remind yourself of what is happening.  The reason this is so upsetting is simply because this person reminds you of the abusive narcissist you have experienced.  Nothing more.  Although this situation makes you feel awful, the truth is that this person can’t hurt you or control you because you know what is happening.  You are safe!

While some people who are very firm in their beliefs periodically are open minded about listening to other input, not all are.  A person who isn’t that open minded is someone that God refers to as a fool.  There is no reasoning with a fool.  Instead, go your separate way from this person as soon as possible.  The Bible says in Proverbs 14:7, “Leave the presence of a [shortsighted] fool, For you will not find knowledge or hear godly wisdom from his lips.”  There is no point in wasting your precious time on someone like this.

30 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

30 responses to “Dealing With Critical People

  1. kavyag

    I have zero tolerance for these people. You are so right they are everywhere. I grey rock these people and pretend to agree with what they say so that they don’t get on my nerves. What pisses me off is even lawyers and Cops are like this. They can’t view things from another’s perspective and side with abusers.
    Actually I would have also been a fool if I did not go through abuse from my narcissistic parents. The pain I suffered made me more rational.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gray rock is best. Not always easy but best.

      I know. The entire legal system needs training in the cluster B personality disorders. So few know anything about these people!

      The abuse tends to make a person more logical for sure. At least once we learn the truth of what we’re dealing with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        Yes training should be mandatory especially in covert abuse.

        Like

        • It should be. But even professional counselors get virtually no training in it, so I guess it’s to be expected those in the legal system don’t get any. I have 2 friends who are counselors. Both attended schools in different states, & have at least 10 years apart in age. Both said the exact same thing- they got one afternoon’s worth of teaching about the cluster B disorders. I assume if that is their situation, that must be the norm. That is horrible & inexcusable!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. kavyag

    Definitely horrible and inexcusable! When I told cops that my sister tried to kill me they laughed it off and invalidated me by saying that in this world I will only be safe with my parents and I should listen to them. Even if it is so blatant they were in denial. I am sure if it was a boyfriend or a husband in that place they would take an action. Such is the state of this world, lacking conscience became normal. My grandma saw my sister’s terrific behaviour yet she is in denial she subconsciously knows that my sister is not good but consciously she doesn’t think that my sister lacks conscience. No one wants to believe that people can lack conscience and be so cruel that is why killing is normalized as “impulsive rage” And the person’s intention is to not literally kill. It makes so angry and upset at how horrible this world is.

    Like

    • That is so disturbing! You’d only be safe with your parents?! Talk about denial!

      Don’t bet on it.. when my ex & I got into a fight as we were separating, the police were involved. They didn’t seem to take it terribly seriously. Later, I told our landlord in the hopes of having him removed from the lease since he was no longer living there anyway. Landlord laughed & said, “HE beat YOU up?!” (ex wasn’t a big guy). My point is just because the abuser is a boyfriend or husband doesn’t mean that abuse would be taken seriously either.

      That is so true. People don’t want to believe that others can lack a conscience, yet there are many folks wandering around just like that.

      The world is a pretty horrible place in so many ways for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kavyag

    My parents are the reason why my sister became a psychopath in the first place. As you know no normal parents would raise their daughter like that.

    I totally agree that even if the abuser is a boyfriend or husband still they can show no botherance. In the police station I went a pregnant lady came with a complaint that her husband kicked her or maybe he is not her husband but someone else I am not sure but the cops were ready to take action saying “How can he kick a pregnant lady”. I am sure if the guy is from an influential family he would surely get away with it.

    Like

    • I really wonder how many psychopaths are made over ones born that way. Guessing most, if not all, are like your sister & made that way.

      Probably he would. Money seems to be proof of innocence in so many people’s minds. My husband’s one niece was married to a guy who beat her. She divorced him. Her parents still hang out with the guy’s parents. Sickens me. Just because his family has money it’s ok to beat their daughter?!?

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        One psychologist posted this on her page.

        “Vitamin D deficiency is so common + it’s been linked to every psychiatric disorder— including schizophrenia. There’s an amazing study linking higher rates of schizophrenia for men born in winter months. Mothers with low vitamin D levels may have an impact on their child’s development of the frontal brain.

        Our central nervous system needs vitamin D in the blood to properly function”.

        It makes sense why it is related to Vitamins as some normal parents end up having psychopathic children even without them abusing their children and abused children like us grow up having empathy and compassion. I noticed that genetics plays a role too. I have genes of my maternal grandfather and maternal uncles I am like them and they all loved me but they were neutral towards my sister since beginning even if they don’t know about her behaviour. My paternal uncle and my sister both are very aggressive and they both got along well.

        It is said that when a mother is pregnant the baby in the womb receives information whatever the mother is experiencing in her environment. So there are many factors which comes into play.

        Like

        • I never heard that about vitamin D. Interesting! Makes sense nutrition, period, has a hand in how a child turns out though. Growing babies need good nutrition to be healthy in all areas.

          I’ve heard that too about the baby experiencing what their mother experiences while she’s carrying them. My mother, ironically, told me about that when I was a kid. She knew from day 1 her mother didn’t want her, so when her mother actually told her that, she wasn’t at all surprised.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. kavyag

    Vitamin D deficiency causes anger issues, anxiety, depression. I am sure narcissists lack Vitamin D their behaviour itself speaks volumes. It explains their paranoia and fear of getting exposed.

    It is very sad that your mom’s mom did not want her. It is very devastating for a child to know that their parent didn’t want them. Generational trauma is the biggest curse to have. It is sad that it caused us great damage.

    It is pathetic and vile that your husband’s niece parents hang out with her ex husband’s parents. The fact that she married such a monster itself shows what kind of an upbringing she has. I am glad she divorced him. In India there are many cruel parents who brutally beat their daughters and lock them up if they don’t marry the guy their parents chose. For money they are ready to marry off their daughters to a criminal too – who have illegal businesses who is into drugs etc etc. If money is there these parents are ready to do anything. They say that “Even if your husband tries to kill you still you shouldn’t divorce him”.

    Like

    • Would be very interesting to know how many narcissists lack vitamin D.

      It was devastating for my mother. She admitted once that she’d considered suicide in her teens. The only reason she didn’t it she knew it would’ve angered her mother. Such a sad reason not to do it.

      It is disgusting, but that’s how my in-laws are. Money trumps everything else. Hubby once told me the reason his mother preferred an ex to me was because she came from a wealthy family & I came from a middle class family. I thought that was pathetic. That person was awful to Eric & I’ve been good to him, yet her family’s money was more important?! Sheesh.

      That is horrid!! I can’t believe so many people in India care so little about their daughters! That breaks my heart for them!

      Liked by 1 person

      • kavyag

        Malignant Narcissists definitely lack Vitamin D.

        Wow if your mom committed suicide then her mom would get narc injury? How dare you commit suicide and threaten my false self and stop being a supply to me? I wonder whether your mom had fear of failed suicide attempt which could have put her in grave trouble.

        Eric is lucky to have you unlike his sorry excuse of a mother. She is jealous that you are good to Eric while she doesn’t have the goodness in her. She feels envious that you are not blood related to him and yet you are kind to him while she can’t be kind to her own son. Does he realize how toxic his mother is? He married his awful ex due to his mother only. I am sure his ex is his mother’s mirror image. Money is definitely the root cause of so much evil happening in this world.

        So many caste killings are happening in India. Parents are killing daughters and son in laws and people actually honor such parents and even sing slogans for them. Can you actually believe that such parents are worshipped for killing a fellow human being that too their own daughter? Daughters are shamed for taking away family’s reputation as if killing and landing in jail doesn’t take away their reputation. Some parents don’t even end up in jail police help them.

        Like

        • This is strange.. I just got an email showing me your comment that you made 2 days ago. Sorry about that! I wasn’t trying to ignore you.

          Probably that would’ve been the case. & a failed suicide attempt would’ve meant my mother’s life would have been even worse. Her mother was very cruel & had no feelings at all. No doubt she would’ve treated my mother even worse for being so “cowardly/stupid/etc” for trying to kill herself.

          He sees some of just how toxic his mother was, but not much. I don’t think the whole thing with the ex girlfriend really “clicks” as being toxic. That money thing in his family is so prevalent, it’s just normal to them all, if you know what I mean. Oddly that old girlfriend wasn’t just like his mother. His mother was a covert narcissist, faking helplessness & naivete. Ex girlfriend is more self reliant & I don’t know enough to know if she’s a narcissist or just highly dysfunctional. Leaning towards dysfunctional though from the little I know.

          That is heartbreaking about what’s happening in India! How can people think that behavior is ok?! I assume nothing is being done to change this situation?

          Liked by 1 person

          • kavyag

            It is ok networking issues happen.

            Do you think that your mom purposefully gave birth to you so that she can project the hatred onto you which she received from her mother? It is all so vicious how hatred of self leads to hatred of others.

            Does Eric’s mom actually hangs out with his ex? Rich and famous will always be prevalent. So ethics are put aside, people always take their side due to their status. I am sure even if Eric’s ex cheated on him with other men still his mother would take her side only just because she is rich and she thinks there is nothing wrong in it. I read stories of daughters who told that their narc moms enabled their rapists. So inhuman and pathetic that such creatures even exist in this world. I can never imagine doing this to my children.

            People in India naturally only lack conscience. Nothing is being done here to change the situation. Even if my parents kill me they can get away with it due to my Dad being influential but they don’t want to risk as there are chances that they can end up in jail. I am saved due to their paranoia of getting caught only. I am planning to move to US this October. India is a gone case only Lord can save people here.

            Like

            • They happen all too often. gggrrr!

              I don’t think so. I think my mother had me to fix her life & marriage. I believe she thought getting married would fix things but when it didn’t, she thought a baby would. Both parents made me responsible for their marital problems ever since I can remember, so I think they both somehow thought I would fix their marriage.

              Yes. Before his parents died, the ex went to visit his parents often. She’s married with some kids & even took them to visit his mom in the hospital. From what I understand, her husband has had a drug abuse problem.. I wonder how much that behavior contributes to it. 😦 I really think the ex regrets losing him even though she cheated & was awful to him, & keeping in touch with his family is her way of keeping her foot in the door. She has to know that his mom & sisters hate me, so maybe she was hoping they’d talk him into dumping me for her.

              I know.. it’s utterly vile & inhuman to side with someone who hurts your child in any way! So despicable!

              I’m so sorry. That’s just heartbreaking about India & about your parents! Thank God you’re coming to the U.S. soon & will be safe from them!

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Cynthia, good post, in general, and as it applies to narcissists. I am reminded of how Daryl Davis, a black man was able to talk members of the KKK into quitting and giving him their robes. He said he asked them questions and listened to their answers. They just wanted to be heard. It also allowed him the opportunity to share his thoughts. Davis has collected over 200 robes.

    As for those narcissists, as I was reading it occurred to me it is almost like a form of “gaslighting” to make you feel your arguments and sources are barren of thought. I detest the use of smugness to win arguments as the arguer tries to steam roll you into acquiescence. I have found a good retort is to say “I understand your points, I just do not agree with them.” Keith

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I feel like victims of narcissistic abuse need to find ways to cope with the behavior since it’s so prevalent. Hoping to help them do just that.

      What an amazing man! Good for Daryl Davis!

      People do want to be heard, for sure.

      I detest that smugness too. Unfortunately with so many people (even ones who aren’t narcissists) it’s common behavior.

      I’ve used a similar retort with non-narcissists who behave that way. Just let them know I disagree, but still respect your views. If they continue to try to change my mind, I tell them I understand what you’re saying, I just disagree & it’s ok- we don’t have to agree on everything. I did this with a particularly stubborn & somewhat dysfunctional ISTJ I know… I could about see his brain trying to comprehend that. In the end, our relationship was ok.. he realized we were different & he wasn’t going to change my mind. We could have intelligent conversation while stating different views. He wanted to be heard & his views respected, so I let that happen without letting him try to manipulate me into change.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. kavyag

    What a selfish reason for your parents to have you 🙁

    Eric’s ex seems one hell of a woman. Thank God you both got rid of her! It is so strange how we always attract woman who despise us for no reason and make our lives living hell.

    My country is a perfect example for how demon possessed people act. I am glad that I am leaving this country for good.

    Like

  7. Truly selfish but is it really surprising considering narcissistic parents?

    She’s special alright.. lol I get regretting losing someone, but my word. He broke up with her before we met & we met in 1992. Give it up. He’s clearly moved on. We’ve been married since 1998. Even if we did divorce, I can’t imagine he’d go back to her.. especially since she’s married with children!

    It is strange for sure!! It gets old too!

    No kidding. Well congratulations on leaving the country soon! That is a big & courageous move! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. kavyag

    It is not surprising at all. After all everything is about themselves.

    She is so special that is why all men should fall at her feet and become a platform for her to walk on 🤣 What makes her think that he will get mesmerized by her? 🤣 She is a very bad example for her children.

    Thank You so much for your kind words❤️ it truly is a nightmare living here!

    Like

    • It really is all about them. So exhausting.

      LOL!! she is a bad example for her children. I can’t imagine how confused they are. “Why is Mom so interested in this guy when she’s married to Dad?”

      You’re very welcome! It sounds like a nightmare living there. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  9. kavyag

    God Bless her children. When they become adults they may call her a family breaker and a whore for trying to lure a married man 🤣

    Like

    • I hope they see the truth of the dysfunctional situation & learn from it. Sheesh.. I can’t imagine watching my mother behaving in such a way!

      I do find one thing really funny though. I’m sure she & my sisters in-law have no clue they’re each being used by the other in this situation. Ex using them to get to my husband & them using her to try to get rid of me. It’s so messed up but funny too. I figure they all deserve each other

      Liked by 1 person

  10. kavyag

    I hope too that they see the truth of their toxic mother and her unprincipled behaviour.

    It is very hilarious how they all are making flying monkeys of each other. They are making a fool of themselves. They all are very miserable in trying to break you and your husband and while you both are happily married 👌I can see where there efforts are going – “in the drain”.

    Like

    • Hopefully! Not sure how old these kids are, but hopefully old enough to recognize bad behavior when they see it.

      It really is hilarious. Sad in a way too that they’re so blind & consumed with whatever it is each one wants that they don’t see how ridiculous & dysfunctional they are.

      That is exactly where their efforts are heading. LOL Nice try, ladies… it’s not working! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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