People Pleasing vs Kind Behaviors: The Fine Line Between Selflessness & Self Destruction

As Christians, we are taught to love & serve others.  We strive to do as Jesus would do.  However, sometimes our desire to please others can backfire, leading us down a path of self-destruction.  Today, we will explore the difference between people pleasing & genuinely kind behaviors, & the importance of standing up for ourselves & our values.

At first glance, people pleasing & kind behaviors may seem interchangeable.  After all, both involve putting others’ needs before our own.  However, the key difference often lies in the motivation behind our actions.  People pleasing often stems from a desire to be liked or accepted.  We may go out of our way to do things for others, even if it means sacrificing our own time, energy, or resources.  We may say yes to every request, even if it means over committing ourselves & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, kind behaviors come from a place of genuine love & compassion.  We may still do things for others, but we do so out of a desire to help & support them, rather than to gain their approval.

People pleasing can be detrimental to our mental & emotional well,being.  It leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, & low self esteem.  We start to feel like a doormat, constantly saying yes to others & neglecting our own needs.  In contrast, practicing kind behaviors actually boosts our self esteem & overall happiness.  When we help others out of love & compassion, we feel good about ourselves & our ability to make a positive impact on the world.

It’s important to note that there can be a fine line between selflessness & self destruction.  While it’s admirable to put others’ needs before our own, we must also prioritize our own well being.  This means setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, & taking care of ourselves first.  In the words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  We cannot fully love & serve others if we are neglecting our own needs.

Christians also are called to forgive others, even those who have hurt & abused us.  However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring the harm that was done.  When we practice “forgive & forget” without boundaries, we are essentially allowing others to continue to hurt us without consequence.  This is harmful to our mental & emotional health, & is not what God wants for His children! 

Forgiveness is not a one time event, but a process that takes time & effort.  It involves acknowledging the harm that was done, expressing our emotions, & setting boundaries to prevent it from happening again.  It also can mean releasing the person from expectations of making it up to you, especially if that isn’t possible or if the person has no remorse. This may mean limiting contact or ending the relationship with the person who hurt us, seeking counseling, or confronting the person in a healthy & respectful way.  By setting healthy boundaries, we are protecting ourselves from further harm & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.

One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers is the ability to say no.  We feel guilty or selfish for turning down a request, even if it means sacrificing our own needs.  However, saying no is an important part of self care & self respect.  It allows us to prioritize our own needs & set boundaries with others.

Similarly, standing up for ourselves & our values is crucial for our mental & emotional well being.  When we allow others to hurt us or compromise our values, we are essentially giving away our power.  This makes us feel helpless or powerless, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, &/or low self esteem.  By standing up for ourselves & our values, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves. We can assert ourselves in a healthy & respectful way, while still valuing & respecting the other person.  In fact, setting boundaries & standing up for ourselves often improves our relationships with others, as it shows them that we have self respect & expect to be treated with dignity.  When healthy boundaries cause problems in a relationship, it’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

As Christians, we are called to love & serve others.  However, we must also prioritize our own well being & set boundaries to protect ourselves from harm.  By doing so, we are taking back our power & showing others that we value & respect ourselves.