The Importance Of Empathy In Times Of Need

A few years ago, my friend posted on Facebook that he was in the emergency room.  As soon as he posted, several of his friends replied with their own horror stories of having the same issue.  Others commented with, “cheer up…  it could be worse” type comments.  Not one person offered to visit him, help him when he recovered, or even said they hoped he felt better soon besides me.  I realized how commonplace this type of behavior is & just how wrong it is.  Romans 12:15 in the Amplified Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], & weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief]”.  People need this in their lives, not selfish & thoughtless behavior.

Empathy is the ability to understand & share the feelings of another person.  It is the foundation of healthy relationships, & it is essential for all humans to cultivate empathy in their daily lives.  Empathy means that we are willing to put ourselves in another person’s shoes & understand their experiences, feelings, & needs.  It is about being present & supportive without judgment or criticism.

Empathy is not the same as sympathy.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, while empathy is feeling with someone.  Sympathy can be condescending, while empathy is respectful & compassionate.  Empathy requires that we open ourselves up to the emotions of others & seek to understand them fully.

Empathy helps us connect with others on a deeper level.  When we empathize with someone, we build trust, respect, & understanding.  It also helps us to be more patient & tolerant with others, even when we disagree with them.

As Christians, empathy is a huge part of our faith.  We are called to love one another as ourselves, & empathy is an essential part of that love.  Jesus himself modeled empathy when he wept with Mary & Martha over the death of their brother, Lazarus in John 11:35.  He also showed empathy when He healed the sick, fed the hungry, & forgave sinners.

Empathy also helps us to be more Christ-like.  When we empathize with others, we are following the example of compassion & love Jesus gave us during His time on Earth.  It helps us to live out our faith in practical ways, such as visiting the sick, caring for the poor, & comforting those who are grieving.

Also, empathy helps us to build relationships with people who are different from us.  It helps us to see beyond our own biases & prejudices, & to understand the experiences & perspectives of others.  This is essential for building a diverse & inclusive community that reflects the love of God.

If you feel you need to improve in the empathy department, don’t worry!  Empathy can be developed over time by following the simple steps below. 

Listen actively:  This means paying attention to what they are saying, asking questions, & clarifying your understanding.  It shows that you value them & their experiences.

Practice perspective-taking:  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes & try to see things from their perspective. 

Avoid judgment:   This means avoiding criticism, blame, or condemnation.  You can disapprove of the behavior while still treating the person with love & respect.

Show compassion:  Be kind, caring, & supportive.  Show people that you care about their well-being & that you are there for them when they need you.

By cultivating empathy in our daily lives, we can live out our faith in practical ways & reflect the love of God to those around us.

Why There Need To Be Limits On Helping Other People

As Christians, we are called to help others in need.  Galatians 6:2 in the Good News Translation reminds to “Help carry one another’s burdens, & in this way, you will obey the law of Christ.”  This is a beautiful sentiment & one that is echoed throughout the Bible.  Helping others is essential to living a fulfilling & compassionate life.  But there is a balance that needs to be in place.  We must also remember that there are limits to how much we can help others, & we must be mindful of those limits to ensure that we are not enabling unhealthy behavior. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to help carry one another’s burdens, as I just mentioned, but what exactly does that mean?  A burden is something heavy & difficult to carry, like a steamer trunk.  It’s something that someone cannot manage on their own, & they need help to carry it.  Moving on to verse 5, we are told, “For each of you have to carry your own load.”  A load is something more manageable than a burden, like a backpack.  It’s something that we can handle on our own without assistance. 

When we help someone with their burdens, we are providing necessary support that they cannot manage on their own.  This is a beautiful act of kindness & compassion.  However, when we constantly step in & help people with their loads, we are doing them a great disservice.  We are teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for their lives & that they can rely on others to do the hard work for them.  This can lead to a cycle of dependency that is unhealthy for both parties involved.

It’s absolutely essential to understand the difference between burdens & loads, & to be mindful of how much we help others with each.  We must be willing to step in & help when someone genuinely needs it, but we must also encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.  To carry their own loads, in other words.

Enabling is when we do things for others that they can & should do for themselves.  Enabling can take many forms, such as constantly lending money to a friend who never pays it back or doing your child’s homework for them.  Enabling behaviors can be harmful to both parties involved.  The person doing the enabling can become resentful & exhausted, while the person being enabled can become dependent & unable to take responsibility for their own lives.

Enabling often starts with good intentions.  We want to help someone we care about, & think that by doing things for them, we are showing love & support.  Over time, enabling can lead to a dysfunctional cycle of dependence that is difficult to break.  The person being enabled may start to rely on the enabler for more & more, & they may not learn the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Therefore, it’s vital to be mindful of enabling behaviors & to set healthy boundaries.  We must be willing to say no when someone asks us to do something that they can & should do for themselves, & encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when it comes to helping others.  We must be willing to set limits on how much we can help & what kind of help we are willing to provide.  We must also be willing to communicate those boundaries clearly with our loved ones.  This can be difficult, as it may feel like we are letting them down or not being supportive enough, but in reality, healthy boundaries are key to maintaining healthy relationships.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are teaching our loved ones that we care about them enough to be honest with them.  We are also teaching them to take responsibility for their own lives & to respect our limits.  This can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect & trust.

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do.  As Christians, we are called to help those in need & to carry each other’s burdens.  The Bible shows that there also need to be limits on how much we help, & we must be mindful of those limits.  By understanding the difference between burdens & loads, recognizing the dangers of enabling, & maintaining healthy boundaries, we can help others in a way that promotes independence, responsibility, & mutual respect.

Pity & Narcissists

As some of you may remember, my late mother in-law was a covert narcissist.  She also was exceptionally good at what she did.  My own husband didn’t believe me when I told him of many of the things she said & did to me.  Like everyone else, he was fooled by her innocent act.  I can’t blame him entirely for that.  Like I said, she was VERY good.

During the time she was in my life, I knew something was wrong, even though I had no understanding about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the time.  It blew my mind how, like my mother, she could appear one way to other people, but the moment we were alone, the fangs came out.  That just isn’t normal & you don’t have to have a degree in psychology to know that.

Then one day when my husband & I were at his parents’ home, visiting his parents.  My mother in-law said something, & my father in-law said, “Shut your stupid mouth.  Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!”  I’d never seen that side of him before, only heard about it.  He & my husband went outside shortly after.  My mother in-law & I were left alone.  I don’t remember exactly what she said, it was probably over 20 years ago by now, but I do remember that she was especially mean to me that evening.  I figured she was just upset by how her husband spoke to her & taking it out on me.

The anger I usually felt at her because of her nastiness softened a lot.  I felt bad for her for what just happened.  And, for some time after that, I put up with her nastiness without complaint.  I figured she obviously has no real coping skills, so maybe being mean to me is the only way she can deal with the hurt & anger she felt inside.  I didn’t like it but I figured if it helped her somehow, fine.  If I could live through the horrible things my mother said to me, I could handle the mother in-law.

This didn’t last long, a couple of months tops.  I realized it wasn’t helping her, it was really hurting me & frankly, it wasn’t fair.

Situations like this are no doubt why so many people say you should never pity a narcissist.  It means you will tolerate a LOT of abuse.  Well, that is a very valid point.  I tolerated so much more than I should have because I felt pity for my mother in-law.

However, that being said, I still don’t regret feeling that pity for her at that time or at any point.  Probably that makes me sound crazy, but hear me out…

I realized some time later that the ability to feel pity for someone who was so cruel to me showed that in spite of all of the narcissistic abuse I’ve been through in my life, it didn’t destroy my ability to feel compassion for others.  It can be so easy to turn bitter & angry when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse.  I also didn’t turn into a narcissist like a few victims of narcissistic abuse do.  I am grateful that neither happened to me.

Feeling pity for my mother in-law motivated me to pray for her, & all Christians know God wants us to pray for others, including our enemies:

 

Matthew 5:43-48
“43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, [a]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (AMP)

 

I prayed for her quite a bit over the years, albeit not as much as I should have.  All of my prayers for her were answered.  My mother in-law did come to know Jesus, so she is in Heaven now instead of Hell.  She also died in her home rather than a nursing home, as she wanted.  She even died in her sleep, peacefully.

 

Praying for her also was good for me.  It helped me to release the anger I’d felt at her for so long.  I eventually got to the point of feeling nothing for her beyond wanting her to come to the Lord & not to suffer at the end of her life.  Sorta sad, I admit, but it sure beats hating her like I once did!

 

My point in telling you this story is this.. some people find it easy to feel pity for people, even narcissists.  When you know that the narcissistic person in your life has suffered, in spite of how awfully they treat you, there’s probably a little part of you that pities that person.  It’s natural to want to shut that part of you down when the object of your pity is so abusive.  Instead, why not acknowledge it?  Accept that feeling as it is- just a feeling.  Also, you can take the feeling as a sign that person needs prayer & you need to be the one to pray.

 

However, please, PLEASE do not get all crazy like I did & let the pity you feel be a reason to tolerate abuse from the narcissist.  It’s very possible to feel pity for someone while still maintaining healthy boundaries & distance.  I did with my mother in-law & still do with my mother.  Please learn from my mistake in this area!

 

Lastly, if you don’t feel pity for the narcissist in your life, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad Christian.  Many people don’t feel it & there is nothing wrong with that!  Even good, loving, faithful people don’t always feel pity towards narcissists.  It happens, & it’s ok.  This post is simply directed at those who may feel differently than you.  🙂

A Little Kindness Goes A Long Way

Last night I had a very bizarre dream.  I dreamed that there were a bunch of small children in my yard, making a lot of noise.  It was irritating me (I like peace & quiet) & I went to chase them off.  As I was getting my coat, I heard them in the backyard as well & was becoming more irritated.  Who were they & why were they on my property?  I went outside & they were gone, so I came back inside.  I looked at a shelf & found they’d left me things I need, like soap, cleaning supplies, food & even my favorite perfume from my teen years.  I knew they weren’t actually children, but angels when I saw this.

Upon waking up from this bizarre dream, I had no idea what it meant, but it reminded me of a Scripture…Hebrews 13:2 “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” (KJV)  

I wonder how many people really believe this Scripture?  The actions of most people don’t really show that they believe it.

I’m not saying that we have to cater to everyone we meet, ignoring our own needs.  Not by any stretch.  I’m saying just be civil & kind to one another.  Be an example of God’s love- patient, kind, caring, all while exercising healthy boundaries.  Believe it or not, sometimes saying “no” is actually the most loving thing you can do for another person.  If it wasn’t loving behavior, God wouldn’t tell us no sometimes, would He?

I just wanted to take a moment today to make you think about how you treat people, even the strangers you pass on the street or the cashiers at the grocery store.  Simply smiling at a stranger can make their day.  So many people are rude & unpleasant to strangers, so why not be different?  Be nice instead.  Be polite.  Ask how someone is & wait for an answer that you genuinely care to hear.  Don’t give the impression you’re only asking to be polite- let the other person know you really care how they are.  Little gestures like this truly make a person’s day.  They say, “I care about you” & there is a great shortage of caring people in the world.  Be one of those who do care!

Since many of you reading this are also adult children of narcissists, I can’t help but think you may be hoping I don’t mean include your narcissistic parents in this niceness thing.  Well, sort of I do.  What I said about exercising good boundaries?  That is extremely important when you deal with narcissists, & truly, boundaries are very loving.  They mean you won’t enable certain behaviors from others.  Narcissists don’t think boundaries are good or loving, but they really are in God’s eyes, & that is what really counts!  😉