Why There Need To Be Limits On Helping Other People

As Christians, we are called to help others in need.  Galatians 6:2 in the Good News Translation reminds to “Help carry one another’s burdens, & in this way, you will obey the law of Christ.”  This is a beautiful sentiment & one that is echoed throughout the Bible.  Helping others is essential to living a fulfilling & compassionate life.  But there is a balance that needs to be in place.  We must also remember that there are limits to how much we can help others, & we must be mindful of those limits to ensure that we are not enabling unhealthy behavior. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to help carry one another’s burdens, as I just mentioned, but what exactly does that mean?  A burden is something heavy & difficult to carry, like a steamer trunk.  It’s something that someone cannot manage on their own, & they need help to carry it.  Moving on to verse 5, we are told, “For each of you have to carry your own load.”  A load is something more manageable than a burden, like a backpack.  It’s something that we can handle on our own without assistance. 

When we help someone with their burdens, we are providing necessary support that they cannot manage on their own.  This is a beautiful act of kindness & compassion.  However, when we constantly step in & help people with their loads, we are doing them a great disservice.  We are teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for their lives & that they can rely on others to do the hard work for them.  This can lead to a cycle of dependency that is unhealthy for both parties involved.

It’s absolutely essential to understand the difference between burdens & loads, & to be mindful of how much we help others with each.  We must be willing to step in & help when someone genuinely needs it, but we must also encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.  To carry their own loads, in other words.

Enabling is when we do things for others that they can & should do for themselves.  Enabling can take many forms, such as constantly lending money to a friend who never pays it back or doing your child’s homework for them.  Enabling behaviors can be harmful to both parties involved.  The person doing the enabling can become resentful & exhausted, while the person being enabled can become dependent & unable to take responsibility for their own lives.

Enabling often starts with good intentions.  We want to help someone we care about, & think that by doing things for them, we are showing love & support.  Over time, enabling can lead to a dysfunctional cycle of dependence that is difficult to break.  The person being enabled may start to rely on the enabler for more & more, & they may not learn the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Therefore, it’s vital to be mindful of enabling behaviors & to set healthy boundaries.  We must be willing to say no when someone asks us to do something that they can & should do for themselves, & encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial when it comes to helping others.  We must be willing to set limits on how much we can help & what kind of help we are willing to provide.  We must also be willing to communicate those boundaries clearly with our loved ones.  This can be difficult, as it may feel like we are letting them down or not being supportive enough, but in reality, healthy boundaries are key to maintaining healthy relationships.

By setting healthy boundaries, we are teaching our loved ones that we care about them enough to be honest with them.  We are also teaching them to take responsibility for their own lives & to respect our limits.  This can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect & trust.

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do.  As Christians, we are called to help those in need & to carry each other’s burdens.  The Bible shows that there also need to be limits on how much we help, & we must be mindful of those limits.  By understanding the difference between burdens & loads, recognizing the dangers of enabling, & maintaining healthy boundaries, we can help others in a way that promotes independence, responsibility, & mutual respect.

November 12, 2013

Good morning, Dear Readers!

I caught a show on tv last night that was so interesting.  It was about PTSD service dogs for soldiers.  One man told his story- he was in the marines for 13 years, did 3 tours in Iraq.  He came home with severe PTSD.  Took 32 (yes, THIRTY TWO!!!) meds, but was still not doing well.  Spent his time drunk & hiding in the basement of his home.  His wife finally took the kids & left.  Then, he was able to get a service dog- a beautiful German shepherd named Axel.  He said it was as if having Axel reset his brain.  He became able to take less meds, quit drinking & function.  Axel gave him security- he said it was somewhat like having his service buddies around, because he knew like them, Axel had his back.  It was a lovely story… 🙂

PTSD service dogs are great- they help their person remember to take meds, but they perform other wonderful tasks, such as providing a buffer between the person & others, thus enabling their person to go into public.  (This alone is a huge blessing since so many people with PTSD & C-PTSD have agoraphobia.)  They keep their person grounded when anxiety & hypervigilance get bad.  They offer a sense of security.  Truly these service animals are a wonderful blessing!  And, not only to the people they serve.  K9s for Wounded Warriors only uses dogs rescued from shelters!  They save the lives of dogs that might otherwise be put down by kill shelters.  

This show also affected me personally.. not only fascinated me because of my deep love & appreciation for animals, but listening to one soldier discuss his PTSD symptoms actually made me cry.  It seems so incredible to me that I can have many of the same symptoms a soldier who survived war can have.  I mentioned this to my husband, who said that like a soldier, I grew up having to be on alert, waiting & watching for the next bomb to drop.  My mother’s moods were my bombs instead of actual physical weapons, but they were also deadly.  

It also drove home the seriousness of PTSD & C-PTSD.  During the course of the show, one lady was interviewed.  She said 3 out of every 5 returning soldiers have severe PTSD, & 1 soldier commits suicide every minute.  How heartbreaking is this?!  People need to appreciate the great sacrifices the men & women in our armed forces are willing to make for the freedoms we take for granted!  God bless these wonderful men & women & their families!  

We also need to appreciate the severity of PTSD/C-PTSD.  This are potentially life threatening disorders, & need to be treated as such!  The rate of suicide with both is quite high in people with these dreadful disorders.  I even realized I have some at risk mindsets myself- yesterday on facebook, I saw a list of some of the warning signs people show when they are contemplating suicide.  While I am not suicidal, I do have some of the potential signs.  It scared me.  I have been suicidal before in my life, & I really do NOT want to go back to that horrible way of living ever again!  This shook me up, & showed me that I need to take better care of myself.  This disorder is nothing to take lightly!

I came up with a few things recently to do to help me take better care of myself.  Just some little things to make myself feel good or show myself that I matter.  Here are some of them.  I would like to encourage you to do the same for yourself.  You are worthy & you deserve it!

 

• Spend more alone time with God.
• Set & enforce healthy boundaries with everyone.
• Realize my own self-worth.  (Listen to & believe complements, ask God to tell me what He thinks of me)
• Practice mindfulness when anxiety kicks in.
• Learn to meditate.
• Focus more on accomplishments than failures.
• Do at least one nice little gesture for myself daily (bubble bath, pampering, manicure, whatever!)
• Be patient & understanding with myself.  (Would I get mad at someone else for having the same issues with C-PTSD?  No?  Then why should I get mad at myself for them?!)